Swamp Thing #32

The sea life is tired of Aquaman forcing them to do his dirty work! Time for the sea plant life to be forced into service.

If you want to be good at comedy, here's a tip from somebody who doesn't want to be good at comedy and isn't at all good at comedy but is fairly certain this is a good tip anyway: have a brain that is easily distracted. My ex-assistant Pickle Boy's son likes to make horrible puns so I suggested Pickle Boy force his son to write jokes for an hour every day. I was going to say he should train him up to be funny the way Tiger Woods was trained to play golf. But instead, my brain changed the direction of the comment as I was typing it and it came out like this: "You should raise him to do comedy the way Tiger Woods' father raised him to cheat on his wife." Then he said Pickle Boy Jr refused to eat his dinner, so he was served it again for breakfast. Then he refused to eat his breakfast and Pickle Boy asked me, "Guess what he's having for lunch?" I answered, "A knuckle sandwich?" Because child abuse is always a good punch line!

Hmm. Maybe I should force myself to write jokes for an hour every day! Every day I should pick a character and just think up jokes to make about that character. Then I'll be prepared to really give it to Aquaman the next time I read his stupid stories. Now I'm just going to have to make up Aquaman jokes on the fly as I read about him in Swamp Thing. Maybe Lord Google can think up some that I can tell!

Tess: "Lord Google! Tell me some Aquaman jokes!"
Lord Google: "Are you certain? If I show you the Aquaman jokes, I'm also going to have to show you the people that feel the need to defend Aquaman too."
Tess: "Ha ha! Aquaman needs internet trolls to defend him! Because he's a loser!"
Lord Google: "You're just making them angry."
Tess: "The only people more useless than Aquaman are his defenders! 'Hey now. You just don't realize he has super strength and a really large cock. Also he can talk to the fish part of the human brain and make people involuntarily come in their pants. Haven't you read the memo? He's totally cool now.' Ha ha! Jerkos!"
Lord Google: "So did you want an Aquaman joke or do y..."
Tess: "I don't care if everybody in the world suddenly declares making Aquaman jokes is uncool! I will not drink the Kool-Aid! I will not succumb! Aquaman was more fun when he was silly and embraced his fishy lifestyle! You know what the biggest Aquaman joke is? Trying to make him cool! It's not a popularity contest, Aquaman! Stop trying to be Batman and Superman! You're fine just the way you are! When kids are bullied at school, nobody should tell them, "Stop riding seahorses, you goof!" They should be told, "Embrace yourself! Love who you are! Be a flying fish riding weirdo if that's who you want to be!" Aquaman isn't cool because he can punch a person's head off and deflect bullets with his rock hard skin! He's cool because of the things the people that declare he's cool always deny! That's why I still make Aquaman jokes! Because Aquaman used to be fun and now he's a stoic, boring asshole. But at least he's popular, right?!"
Lord Google: "So, about those jokes?"
Tess: "Fuck the jokes! I love the real Aquaman and I'm not afraid to say it! Fuck all the people who love Aquaman because he's useful and powerful and a king and tough and bad-ass! I love the Aquaman that's not afraid to mentally command a sea cucumber to suck him off! Long live silly Aquaman!"

Seriously though. People get really touchy when they read Aquaman jokes nowadays! They act like its an offense to civilization! And they always defend him by saying how bad-ass he is! Stop denying what makes Aquaman great! It's the stuff that you can easily make fun of that makes him terrific! I hate fucking Aquaman defenders because they truly don't get Aquaman! Get off my lawn!

Wait wait! I'm not done! Here's a quote about Aquaman from Razzatazz at Comic Vine way back when The New 52 began: "Of course the mocking of the character will continue in mainstream media because it is an already estblished running gag, but among comic fans that should know better its [sic] maybe time to put the past behind." Seriously, Razzatazz? "Comic fans that should know better"? That should be "comic fans who should know better!" No wait. That's not my point! My point is that "knowing better" isn't the point when making Aquaman jokes! I am a Master Comic Book Reader and I know all about Aquaman's powers! And I still think he's worth making fun of! All super heroes are worth making fun of! It's just that Aquaman fans are overly sensitive what with their butts getting so much hurt because they're ashamed of Aquaman's whimsical side! I'm surprised I didn't see any Aquaman defenders say, "That ain't no loser. Look at what he's fucking." Yeah, yeah! I'm now calling all Aquaman defenders misogynists! And assholes! And dog dick lickers! And by Aquaman defender, I don't mean me or anybody that loves Aquaman for all of his faults. I mean the other people that don't like Aquaman jokes.

P.S. Most Aquaman jokes are dumb because most people aren't funny. So that's a problem as well.

P.P.S. Batman and Superman jokes are also funny! But Wonder Woman jokes are not funny because that's wrong.

P.P.P.S. I think I'm supposed to be reading Swamp Thing! Fuck!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing investigating the weird plant creature he accidentally created when he made the oceans bloom with red algae.

When Swamp Thing touches his giant baby, it begins to absorb his essence. As he's thinking up a new way to deal with it, Aquaman comes along and stabs him with his salad fork. Aquaman got his ass beat by Swamp Thing in his own comic book last month. But that was on land! Now Swamp Thing has decided to enter the ocean and risk getting his ass beat in his own comic book! It's a rare event! Most people aren't buying Swamp Thing every month because they want to see one of their favorite characters get beat up by Aquaman.

Before Swamp Thing headed to the ocean, he held a meeting with the previous avatars of the Green. They informed him he was dealing with something that could only be described by a German word. Hmm. That's never a good sign! Since the Non-Certified Spouse isn't here to tell me what the word means and the nuances of the translation in this context, I have to resort to Lord Google. Lord Google informs me the word, kreuzblütler, means "cruciferous" or cross-blossom. Apparently I should eat more vegetables so I would know what kinds of plants are cruciferous! I think Jesus was a cruciferous! So does that mean the transubstantiation that takes place during the Holy Communion is vegetarian? The kreuzblütler has manifested because Swamp Thing destroyed the Parliament of Trees. Their job was to maintain The Green so this kind of shit wouldn't happen. It would have been nice if they'd explained their job wasn't just to manipulate the Avatar. Maybe their disbanding never would have happened!

Don't be what, Swamp Thing? Don't be a dick? Don't be ridiculous? Don't be the laughing stock of the DC Universe?

See? This is what makes Aquaman great! Not punching the Swamp Thing stoically in the face for twenty pages! Commanding a bunch of peaceful, vegetarian sea creatures to murder Swamp Thing. What a fucking gigantic douchebag, Aquaman! Manipulating these poor creatures into destroying a sentient being! The Dugongs are probably thinking, "Oh god! Don't make me kill this creature! So fucking delicious! I weep salty tears of tasty sadness!"

The Swamp Thing doesn't want to explode out of the Dugongs stomachs because he has more respect for the sea life than Aquaman, so he waits and observes to see what Aquaman does. Aquaman does what he always does: he throws away the lives of dozens of sea creatures.

I wouldn't feel so bad if I felt the sea creatures weren't conscripted and actually had a choice in the matter.

Swamp Thing reforms as a bit of floating something or other and whispers in Aquaman's ear that he can defeat it but Aquaman needs to sit this one out. Aquaman agrees for now. I'm sure that will change when Swamp Thing begins realizing he has no idea how to defeat this thing.

And "this thing" turns out to be a new Green forming. I guess it's a tiny rebellion. I'm sure it's Lady Weeds doing. Unless it's the Parliament of Trees deciding to start over since their champion betrayed them. Whoever created it (and perhaps it's just one of those things The Green does from time to time when its ignored because the Parliament is dead and the Avatar is fucking mushroom people), they don't ever get to enjoy it. Swamp Thing defeats it or absorbs it or something and the ocean is saved. So now that all the fighting is done, it's time for that part of the comic book where Charles Soule actually allows the characters to speak with each other.

Oh shit! Aquaman got schooled in both issues of this team-up! What a joke!

The issue ends with Lady Weeds stabbing Swamp Thing in the head to show him that she doesn't like him. Swamp Thing might be regretting just about every decision he's ever made up to this point in his life.

Swamp Thing #32 Rating: No change. Why is this book so good?! Hey comic books! Be better or be written by Charles Soule. Those are your choices. I suppose some of the comic books are doing okay and being written well on their own. But those comic books can ignore my warning because they're already confident in themselves rather than telling me, "But Tess! Not all comic books not written by Charles Soule are bad!" Maybe, hypothetical comic books. Maybe.

Green Arrow #32

Who is Ken and why is he Green Arrow's bro?

What is it about Green Arrow that appeals to uninteresting people that bore me with their reasons for why Green Arrow appeals to them? Oh shut up already! I'm already bored with the subject and nobody has even begun to tell me what makes Green Arrow their favorite character. My favorite part about Green Arrow (and I'm not going to say his Boxing Glove Arrow even though, really, that's the best thing about him) is how he was one half of the earliest political talking heads show in the entertainment industry. I was only interested in Green Arrow when he was telling Hawkman how much of a fascist bully boy he was.

Speaking of the term "fascist bully boy," I'm fairly certain I stole it from Rik Mayall who died yesterday. I'm an emotionless twat that is only ever touched by amazing science, animals, and spectacularly well written fiction like The Grapes of Wrath and Matt Damon's poetry, so it might be surprising that I was really fucking sad yesterday. I don't give a shit about celebrities for the most part but Rik's character Rik on "The Young Ones" was one of my favorite people in the short list of people that are my favorites. He and Ade Edmondson's Vyvyan were oft-quoted throughout my ninth grade year. That was one of the many years in which my love life did not take off for some reason. I think it's because I'd approach somebody I had a crush on and mutter, "This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence." "The Young Ones" were the punk rock version of Monty Python's Flying Circus and I still pull out my DVD collection from time to time and sit through all the episodes. I know what I'm truly mourning is my lost youth (and my friend Philip Newby who introduced me to the show) but I'm glad Rik was a part of those years.

Now that I'm thinking about The Young Ones, I have a feeling I'm going to be bitterly disappointed in Green Arrow this month. Even if it is written by the legend in his own eyes, Jeff Lemire.

Currently in Green Arrow's universe, Seattle has been under siege for two weeks by unrepentant criminals and obnoxious post-grunge music fanatics.

The city is falling apart and the greatest mystery is where is the guy that runs around shooting arrows? Call me skeptical.

It looks like Seattle has the most incompetent police force in the entire DC Universe if it needs an archer to save it from descending into violence and lawlessness. Even Ollie is surprised at how angry Naomi is that he abandoned the city to go run some errands. Are you kidding, Naomi? Seattle couldn't behave itself for a few weeks without Green Arrow maintaining order with his Boxing Glove Arrow? What an embarrassment.

Before Green Arrow can sarcastically apologize for leaving because he thought a city might be able to run itself while he was away for a bit, Red Dart blows her way into the safe house. Dick Dragon has put a thirty million dollar bounty on Green Arrow's head. Really? Thirty million? You don't think that's a bit excessive, Dick? Even comparing it with Robin's bounty set at 500 million over in Batman Incorporated way back when, I think 30 million is too much. And didn't somebody put a bounty on Batman's head during The New 52 that was even less than this? That might make sense though since most of the people that want to kill Batman are batshit insane and don't really need a monetary incentive.

Before I shit myself from the exciting battle between an archer and a dart thrower, the scene shifts to Dick Dragon and Cunt Vertigo arguing over what to do with Diggle Berry.

Umm, Diggle? That's two things.

Money and power aren't the reasons Dick Dragon is after Green Arrow at all. This is really all about dealing with Dick's Father Issues which should come as no surprise to anybody that has read my comprehensive psychological analysis of DC's New 52. Apparently Ollie and Diggle humiliated Dick's father in front of little Dick many years ago and Dick Dragon has never gotten over it. He had built up his father as the greatest, strongest man that had ever lived and then a liberal douche with a bow and arrow came by and spanked him hard. But now that Dick Dragon is all grown up, it's time for him to do the spanking!

Show me an ambitious man and I'll show you a person that desperately craved their father's love and attention and never got it. Men who never got love and attention from their mother and never got it don't wind up ambitious. They wind up in rehab for sex addiction. For women, just flip the scenarios. And that's as long as any psych textbook ever needs to be!

People's motivations don't invariably have to revolve around their relationship with their parents. The main psychological problems people have come from the schism between the way they believe the world should be and how the world actually is. Trying to bend the world to your will and your believed perceptions is how people cope with reality instead of simply dealing with the reality presented before them. And since our formative years are spent dealing with our parents and being disappointed by them more and more every year as we become more and more individualistic, it's usually the relationship with our parents that causes most of our adult problems. The other main problem that affects our emotional stability as adults is that time when you had that kitten and it died really young and you spent three days straight crying your fucking eyes out and vowed never to love anything ever again. We've all had that problem, right? That one was the worst.

Back to the fight with Dart, Oliver is getting his ass handed to him. He's shocked and exploded and blinded which makes it the perfect moment for Red Dart to retreat. Wait, what? For thirty million dollars, I don't think I'd play fast and loose with Green Arrow, no matter how stupid his super hero gimmick is. For God's sake, Red Dart, your gimmick is even dumber! You've stunned him and blinded him, it's time to go in for the kill! Double damage! Critical hit! He can't fucking defend himself! But no! Red Dart decides to flee the scene so that her partners Brick and Killer Moth can get a shot at him. And even though Green Arrow is getting the shit kicked out of him, he still feels it's an appropriate time to point out how these three are "D-listers." You know what you probably shouldn't do, Green Arrow, when you're getting beat by somebody? Mention how much they suck. Because you now suck worse than they suck since they defeated you. Idiot.

The Injustice League?

Back to Dick and Diggle for a moment! You'd think because Diggle is the one tied to the chair and being punched in the face, he's be the one spilling beans all over the place. But instead, Dick Dragon tells Diggle his entire history because he's the Evil Mr. Smartypants and he doesn't know any other way. He has to brag about how he watched his father humiliated by a guy with a bow and arrow after which he vowed never to be soft again! So he traveled the world until he found the League of Assassins where he trained until he earned the title Master of Kung Fu! Or, at the very least (and more accurate), Kung Fu Fighter!

After forcing all of that information from Dick Dragon, Diggle tries one last desperate tactic to save Green Arrow's life!

I suppose since Andrea Sorrentino and Marcelo Maiolo are doing the art and colors for the flashback, it was hard for little Dick Dragon to tell that Green Arrow was a black man back then.

And then back on the rooftops of Seattle, Green Arrow's life is saved by Emiko who has come to visit much sooner than I expected. I thought she'd remain with Shado for at least four or five months. I suppose Shado wasn't doing enough killing for Emiko's tastes. When Emiko appears, Green Arrow shouts out her name and then she refers to him as "big brother." Luckily for Oliver Queen, his family history is a mess of a very high temperature and it'll take more than three D-Listers to figure out his secret identity from these clues. Shit, if it took the reveal of Nightwing's secret identity for Lex Luthor to figure out that Batman was Bruce Wayne, this Emiko and big brother shit are like clues from an Umberto Eco novel.

Green Arrow #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. Oh shut up! Don't judge me for enjoying a Green Arrow story just because I can't fucking stand Green Arrow! I don't live by the seat of my bias! Well, sometimes I don't! And other times, the comic book is written by Scott Lobdell.

Aquaman and the Others #3

Hopefully the legend is Aquaman and we'll find out the answer to this question!

Americans are a population that loves to believe in grand ideologies no matter what the cost in reality or the logic behind the ideals. So they believe in an omnipotent creator that loves His creation and judges them harshly and never actually makes any public appearances. They'll go on and on about how soldiers are heroes protecting their freedoms while ignoring the evidence that the soldiers are actually just tools of a Corporatocracy. They also believe that conviction means shouting their side of any debate and pointing out how idiotic the other side is. But I think it's time to test the conviction of the American people because I just woke up to another school shooting and wasn't fazed in the slightest.

I think it's time gun advocates stand up and show how much they believe in the need for guns. It's time for them to be willing to die for their beliefs because they sure as shit don't mind if other people die for their beliefs. Here's my suggestion: when a gun is used to kill another person, not only is the person that shot the gun responsible for the death of the victim but also the last owner of the gun. If the gun actually belonged to the shooter and the shooter purchased the gun in a private sale, the person that sold the gun to the shooter should also be held responsible for the murder. If the gun was purchased legally through a gun store following all laws put into place for the sale of guns, that gun store should merely be fined. I don't know how much they should be fined since I've never been able to put a price on human life in the way the NRA has. So let the NRA figure out the fine. Although if they were in charge, they'd probably decide life was worth about a buck fifty. So maybe someone else.

When I say the owner or seller of the gun should be responsible as well, it means they should wind up with whatever punishment the shooter receives without the benefit of trial. Now if the shooter is killed during the crime, the owner of the gun or previous seller should also be killed. It might sound harsh but this is about conviction and belief. Gun advocates believe Americans are safer with lots and lots of guns. Are they willing to die for that belief? If they aren't, I don't think they truly believe it and we should do away with all guns. I'm not saying we should get rid of all guns though. Let's try out my system first! Let people have guns! Bear arms motherfuckers! But if you think they're so safe, stand by your belief. If you think you aren't putting anybody's life in danger with your gun, why not back up a law that makes you as responsible as a person that winds up killing with your gun? If you believe you have the right to sell your gun to whoever the fuck you want, you should be responsible if the person you decided was fit enough to own the gun turns out not to be so responsible.

I'm sure some gun owners would balk at the idea that their gun might be stolen and used in a crime and then they'd be a victim. But you have control of that gun, right? You've chosen to take that risk. You know who hasn't chosen to take the risk of being shot with that gun? Every-fucking-body else. I'm not saying we should take away all guns (although look at this country. I think we probably should seriously consider it. We're just not responsible enough). This is a brilliant solution because it would make gun owners extremely cautious because now their lives are also at risk if any bullshit shenanigans take place with the firearms they're keeping for their protection. Or for hunting. Or, you know, for just going down to the local gravel pit and turning some targets into confetti. Whatever!

Poor Aquaman! The last time I commented on gun violence was way back when that little incident at Sandy Hook happened and I did the commenting in Aquaman #12. Remember how barely anything happened at Sandy Hook? Not even worth remembering, apparently. Since, you know, nothing fucking changed because Americans are cold-hearted bastards that don't actually fucking care about their fellow citizens. Sure, they'll make sure to thank a military person for their service and maybe wave a flag or something, but fuck putting any other effort into freedom. That's what those jarheads are getting paid for! Keep me free, motherfuckers! I've got a gun to clean!

You know what's a bigger issue than what America is going to do with its guns? The name of this comic book. How the fuck do you name a team "the Others" and decide you've done your best? How many dicks is Geoff Johns sucking so that he doesn't have to follow any rules or put any effort into anything he does?!

The last issue, Ya'wara was consumed with doing nothing but saving Sayeh. But this month, she'll throw Sayeh's life away in a heartbeat!

Darya transforms Tomo into a monstrous cat beast and takes control of it. At least that's what the story wants you to believe even if the person speaking and doing the transformation and saying "Sorry, kitty" is actually Sky Alchesay of The Others. But don't worry, DC! I don't think very many people pay close attention to the comic books they read. Also, I don't think very many people are reading this comic book!

After The Operative puts a bullet in Tomo's head instead of putting a bullet in Darya's head, Darya transports everybody back to her and her brother's castle. It's time to either fight or negotiate terms on the return of The Others' relics to their rightful owners.

So you found a thing and now find it unbelievable that perhaps that thing was actually owned by someone else?

Aquaman doesn't really care about the question of ownership since he has some fairly good evidence that they belong to Atlantis and Atlanteans. How could Arthur know that the legitimacy of ownership goes back even further than when Atlantis got their hands on the gold? Sure, if he decided to have an actual discussion about the items, he might discover the truth. Instead, he decides to threaten the Solokov twins if they don't simply do things his way. I think this is where the game show announcer whispers, "The password is...impasse."

Well you see, the strap-on buckles around the waist and each thigh. Then the water guy bends over and grabs his ankles while the jungle girl pounds him into fish paste.

At this point, Aquaman and the Others split up into three groups to explore the castle and search for Sayeh. I think a more pressing concern would be subduing Darya and Anton since they know where Sayeh is and can teleport. So if they want, they can just go kill her at any moment while The Others stumble around the dark castle without any clues directing their search. But then I'm not a fly by the seat of my leotards superhero! I think things through! I never would have wound up in Trezygstan in the first place! I would have said, "Wait a minute. Aren't there people that have decided to risk their lives for other people's freedom? Shouldn't we get them to rescue Sayeh? And barring that, doesn't Aquaman have Superman's phone number?"

Meanwhile, Prisoner of War is bitching for reasons that I misunderstood. I thought he was upset that the original owners of the gold were still looking for his manacles. Turns out, he's pissed that Aquaman considers them property of Atlantis and they're just on loan to The Others. I think that's a fair beef to bring up. Just because the treasures were found in an Atlantean King's tomb doesn't give Aquaman the right to claim all of the treasure. Equal shares, buddy!

And then the voice in the pool finally makes an appearance even though I wasn't expecting it to make an appearance because I just thought it was a voice in a pool.

I guess I could have just said it's the guy from the cover instead of scanning this picture.

Legend calmly drops the fact that he's thousands of years old and that his father was the original owner of the gold which was turned into relics by Atlan. This causes The Operative's son to call Legend "Don Quixote" as an insult. I don't get it! Admittedly, I have never gotten more than one hundred pages through Don Quixote so I might be missing the link that causes Aaron to associate Legend with Don Quixote.

Meanwhile in Sky's Land of the Dead, Ya'wara (who was sent there to protect her as the other Others all fell to the Solokov siblings) meets up with Kahina and Vostok. They have a special mission for her but since this comic book is quickly running out of pages and Jurgens still has to try to convince us readers that he's killed Aquaman, Vostok doesn't get around to explaining the mission this month.

There it is! Just in time as the comic ran out of panels!

Aquaman and the Others #3 Rating: No change. I think this is the kind of comic book I would have enjoyed before the British Invasion swept in and changed everything forever. Except I don't know how Legend's father was avenged by stabbing Aquaman in the stomach with the gold stolen by Atlan. Arthur's ancestor was no friend of Atlan either! He betrayed the fuck out of him and took everything that ever belonged to him ever! Aquaman and Legend should have had a few beers and exchanged stories about how awful Atlan was instead of fighting with each other.

It's also possible I'm misremembering the history on the fall of Atlantis! I should probably try to pay more attention to even the comic books that I don't really want to pay much attention to. I never was very studious.

Batwing #32

Due to my current disinterest in Batwing and the fact that this story has become way too depressing, this commentary will be preempted by an encore presentation of a previous commentary. Please enjoy this look into the past. If you're interested in a few thoughts about Batwing #32, stay tuned to the end of the broadcast where I'll give a brief synopsis. And now, Vandal Savage!

Flashback! See little Kass Savage run! Run Kass Run! Learn how to run well, Kass! Run very fast! Run home to Mommy and Daddy! Oh! Here is mommy! Mommy is sad! But where is Daddy? Daddy, come out! Come out Daddy! Mommy says Daddy killed them all! All of them were killed by Daddy! Bye bye, childhood! Bye bye!

The Present! See Kass fly on a helicopter. Fly Kass Fly! Kass has found her daddy. Where were you hiding, Daddy? Kass asks Daddy about Mommy. Daddy says he doesn't think about Mommy anymore. Kass is angry. Kass is disappointed. Daddy says Kass should get over it. Get over it, Kass. Get over it. Daddy is helping Kass now. Isn't that enough?

Elsewhere! See the Swan? Isn't The Swan beautiful? Oh! And the Angel! The Angel is with the Swan! What are they up to? They are playing a game! Play, Swan, Play! Play, Angel, Play!

The Scene of the Crime! Look, Daddy, Look! This is where it happened, Daddy! Look down, Daddy, not up! Look down at the ground! Daddy looks up. Daddy doesn't need to look at the ground! The stars are a map, says Daddy. The stars will lead you to the Swan, Kass. See the stars twinkle, Kass? Twinkle, stars, twinkle.

Watch Daddy use a sextant. Line up the stars, Daddy! Line them up! Daddy was a lawyer, not a sailor! How does Daddy know how to use a sextant? See Daddy find dead stars in the sky! Kass looks. Kass does not see the dead stars. How does Daddy see dead stars? Are you immortal, Daddy?

Daddy sees the path. Daddy knows where the Swan plays his games. Daddy leads Kass to the Swan's clubhouse. See the clubhouse! It has been desanctified! Can you say desanctify? I can't.

Kass doesn't need Daddy anymore! See Kass send Daddy back to the helicopter. Daddy is upset. No, Kass, no, says Daddy. Yes, Daddy, yes, says Kass. Daddy goes back to the helicopter. But Daddy remembers. Remember, Daddy, remember. It was too easy. Daddy senses a trap. Look out, Kass! Look out!

See the helicopter head back to Belle Reve? Bye bye, Helicopter! Bye bye! Bye bye, Daddy! Bye bye!

But Daddy does not want to go! Daddy wants to help Kass. The Swan is going to play a mean game with Kass. A very mean game. Daddy kills the guards with his bare hands. Beat them, Daddy, beat them! Daddy gets the key to his shackles with his teeth. Bite, Daddy, bite! Daddy escapes from the helicopter! See Daddy fall. Fall, Daddy, fall! Daddy smashes into the ground. Smash! Crash! Daddy gets up, unhurt!

Daddy has escaped to help Kass! Go help Kass, Daddy! Help Kass!

Batwing #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. I guess Lucas Fox had to learn that being a member of the Bat-family meant losing people that are close to you and spiraling deeper and deeper into a place of darkness before rising out of it on the other side an emotionless, secretive bastard. Although the troubles Lucas Fox got into in this last story were not due to his being Batwing. So I guess what he really should have learned is that Gotham City is too dangerous for anybody to live in it. His youngest sister Tiffany is now safe thanks to Batwing (although no thanks to Lucas Fox so that's a wash) but his other sister Tam has severe brain damage. This causes Luke Fox to have a crisis of faith because faith is easy to have when God is only killing members of other people's families. But bad things shouldn't happen to you when you believe in Jesus! Didn't Jesus get the memo that you worship him and shit? Why would he punish you for worshiping him?! I'm sure Luke will make peace with Jesus before the series is over because I don't fucking know why. Nothing about this character interests me and his sister being fitted for a refrigerator was just depressing.

Batman Eternal #9

Yay! My two favorite characters: Batman of Japan and Swallow! Or whatever his sidekick's name is. Does she count as a favorite character if I can't remember her name?

I wrote a thing about twenty years ago. It was a retelling of the movie Heathers in a kind of epic storytelling format. It was meant to be spoken aloud and told to a group, perhaps over a campfire or a fresh kill. I wanted to show how important the story had been to me, to try to convey how it spoke to me, and to generally celebrate movies as our modern myths. Too often popular entertainment is lambasted by adults and pseudo-intellectuals. I wanted to show how much could be gotten from a movie when a movie burrowed under your skin. I wrote the entire thing at work on a yellow legal pad and avoided watching the movie again to get any lines right or to discover other scenes that might fit with the story I told. I wanted it to come from that place it had set up shop deep in my psyche; I wanted to write about the Heathers that was real and true to me. If you're curious about it, you can Google search "heathers pop epic." I was also reading a lot of Douglas Coupland at the time which might shine through a bit.

For a long time after writing that, I kept toying with the idea of doing a version for another movie that imprinted itself on my brain, The Breakfast Club. One of the things that first bothered me upon seeing the movie was how everybody pairs up except for The Brain who is then convinced to write the essay for them. For a long time, it was just a joke I'd bring up about the movie and how much bullshit that was. But inside, I kept asking myself, "Why?" And eventually I realized the movie was all about power and shifts of power. One of the more brilliant scenes in the movie is when the lowly janitor reveals his true power of being unseen, thus becoming the eyes and ears of the school. The give and take of power between the kids and the institution, between the kids and their parents, and ultimately between the kids themselves drive the movie. It's a fairly obvious observation but one that still didn't allow me to have the breakthrough for why The Brain winds up taking on the extra work. But when it clicked, I finally I had the structure to do a Pop Epic for The Breakfast Club. At the end of the movie, the person with the greatest power is the one that tells the story. It is the writer. It is, ultimately, John Hughes. That Pop Epic can be seen here in Web Comic Format. I sometimes think of doing a text only version of it but I just can't think of the essay being separated from Lord Fondlerot as the principal. I think I photoshopped the two months of detention hand signal pretty fucking well!

I bring these things up because I've been considering writing my third Pop Epic which would be based on Mulan. While it's easy to say upon the release of each new Disney cartoon "Now that was my favorite Disney cartoon!", Mulan has remained my favorite unlike the others. Prior to Mulan, I think Beauty and the Beast held the top spot. My friend Daniel Justice wasn't a huge fan of Mulan because it didn't have a great villain like Skeletor or Blanche Devereaux. But that's what I loved about it. The enemy was not Agent Albert Rosenberg but the culture and Mulan's belief in filling the proper roles within that culture. This was another movie which left me asking "Why?" after seeing it. This time, it was why did Mulan have to defeat the Huns twice? And in the answer to that question lies the theme of my third Pop Epic.

But until I get around to writing that, I think I'll write about Batman of Japan and Sparrow! But first let's catch up on the situation in Gotham City! But first first, let me just say it didn't take me fifteen fucking years to answer that Mulan question, okay, you smart asses? I just recently decided that Mulan could work as another Pop Epic. Jesus Christ, you have to over-explain everything on the internet or some know-it-all asshole is going to try to point out how fucking stupid and ignorant you are! Okay, now let's check in on Gotham!

Hey! That's what I said Batman should start doing! Taking the fucking cash for himself!

Turns out it was Catwoman doing the stealing and not Batman because Catwoman is much smarter than Batman. She knows how to truly hurt the Evil Mr. Smartypantses. They don't offer healthcare, so putting their thugs in the hospital isn't much of a hindrance. There are always more amoral assholes ready to make an illegal buck to take the place of anybody injured. But if you take the cash, that's hurting the Evil Mr. Smartypantses right in the pants! The pocketbook part of the pants and not the crotch part of the pants!

Last issue I thought Catwoman was in Hong Kong when Batman arrived. But now it seems like it must have been Batman of Japan that I mistook for Catwoman. I'm not sure how I managed to do that. I guess you know how some people say they don't see color? I don't see gender! Or, to be more accurate before some smart-off internet asshole gets on my case, I don't see secondary sexual characteristics! Not pubic hair! I mean breasts! Anyway, if I was trying to identify somebody by their pubic hair, I would have recognized Batman of Japan instantly because his pubic hair would have been pixelated! Maybe! The internet big mouths can have that one for free! Come at me with your facts!

Oh look! I guess I do notice breasts! British breasts! Is that Felicity Kendal?

Batman and Batman of Japan head to Wayne Industries Hong Kong Headquarters where the roof is set aside for Batman Incorporated discussions. Canary (Canary! That was it!) is waiting for them along with Alfred of Japan, Master Hong. The Penthouse is a Hong Kong Batcave with a giant Koku and a huge Godzilla statue. I don't see its version of The Joker's playing card though. I guess Hong Kong doesn't have a version of The Joker. I'm glad it doesn't because it would probably be truly terrifying.

Canary seems to be able to grow large. I thought she was stuck as a tiny little thing which is why Batman of Japan was so desperate to get his hands on a shrink ray? Maybe I just forgot some plot point where she learned how to grow again. My mind isn't what it used to be and it used to be not very good at remembering things. That doesn't imply I'm better at remembering things! It implies that my brain is even worse now! Try to keep up! If you didn't understand that, realize that you can't even follow what an addle-minded middle-aged moron writes! Hmm, that's probably not a bad thing if you can't understand an addle-minded middle-aged moron! Sorry! You were right to misunderstand everything I go on and on about.

Batman and Batman of Japan decide to go ask the local gang boss, Shen Fang, what happened between he and Falcone. But as Batman infiltrates Shen Fang's hideout, he encounters the young British lass (or more probably the Hong Kong lass that learned British English) in the Catwomanesque outfit. And even though they're both after Shen Fang, she decides to battle Batman for dibs on who gets to kick Shen Fang's ass first. But that only gets her stabbed near the kidney.

If Batman asks if you're a certain person, you should probably answer, "What? Who? I'm not that!"

Batman begins asking Shen Fang questions punctuated by punching Shen Fang in the face. Shen Fang says, "I'll never talk!" And then one knee to the chin and two panels later, Shen Fang mutters, "Please. No more." Oh my god! How did this guy drive Falcone out of Hong Kong and take over the Criminal Underground Illegal Businesses Committee!?

Oh! That's how! Smart! I mean...pathetic!

Meanwhile in Gotham City, Catwoman falls for a trap set up by Falcone. You'd think she'd have some kind of Cat-sense that enables her to avoid traps like this one even if a cat can't resist a shiny bauble or two. She should have walked into the place she was about to burgle and thought, "Did I just hear somebody think about taking me to the vet? I'm fucking out of here!" And then she should have hid directly under the middle of the bed for the next five hours.

Even though this comic book is Eternal and Weekly, it's still allowed to end with an epilogue. And I'm glad it did because this one is a doozy!

Why Alfred! You cad!

I realize that just because her last name is Pennyworth it doesn't mean she has to be a child of Alfred's but isn't it great to believe that completely?! Sometimes you just have to kick cynicism in the balls and toss it out of the house for a bit so you can actually enjoy your own emotions and good feelings for awhile. I'm going to bask in the idea that Alfred is a dad for a bit now. I'll be back next week!

Batman Eternal #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. Even though Jiro wasn't front and center in this issue, I still love seeing him. He's my favorite character ever (as of this second. It'll change when I begin reading Batwing in a bit. No wait. I won't find any new favorite characters in Batwing. He'll still be my favorite until I read Aquaman and the Others. Oh wait. How about Green Arrow? Nope. Oh well. It looks like he'll be my favorite for at least a day or two!). Plus I actually felt tingly and alive when I read that "Julia Pennyworth" speech bubble. How can I get more of that kind of feeling out of life? Heroin maybe?

Futures End #5

Want to play a game? How about a game of thermonuclear break-up?

This issue begins with Mister Terrific pitching his T-Balls to the public but rebranding them uSpheres and making them different somehow. I don't care how because I find Mister Terrific incredibly obnoxious. I also find all the people salivating for his newest technology pathetic. He doesn't even explain what the uSpheres do! Unless I'm supposed to take him at his word and truly believe they're backup files for a person's brain. Which is just stupid. I don't want people using what's in my head for their own purposes if I ever get hit by a car! And I don't want my brain downloaded into some other creature to act like me when I'm dead! When my light winks out, I'm outta here! Who wants to be reminded that I died every time you're insulted by something that thinks it's me?! These uSpheres sound awful.

Mister Terrific didn't even need a new product. His fans are so rabid that they would stand before the stage, mouths agape like baby birds while Mister Terrific jerked himself off onto the spectators. Have some iSperm, you zombies! I mean uSperm! I didn't mean to slip out of the allegory!

A super annoying hero!

Grifter has found himself paralyzed and held captive by King Faraday of I-Spy fame. Unless nobody fucking remembers I-Spy. I sure as hell don't! But he's in my Who's Who and that's what it says his code name was! It also says his first appearance was in Danger Trail #1 which sounds awfully exciting! It also says that King Faraday "is an Olympic-level athlete and highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant" and that he's "expert with all forms of firearms and countless other weapons." Countless other weapons! So like the list of pole-arms in Dungeons and Dragons?

Meanwhile on Cadmus Island, a woman named Fury-Squar-rrk is trying to escape. She kills two different OMAC creatures and then gets eye-blasted by a little girl in a dandelion shirt. This is the same little girl with which King Faraday seems to have partnered a paralyzed Grifter. I don't know if she's a new version of Superboy or if she's just another Cadmus Genomorph. She's dressed a bit like Punky Brewster. But since this comic book is weekly, it can answer questions next week. For now, it's time to catch up with Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm.

After weeks of living inside Ronnie Raymond's filthy little skull, Jason Rusch is set free when Ronnie shuts down Firestorm.

No! Not Ronnie's Mom! But I found her dog dick dinners and her intolerance adorable!

Ronnie runs home crying while Jason begins letting people know he isn't dead in a ditch. The first person he talks to is a professor building a teleporter. He mentions how the Justice League have that technology but keep it from the rest of the world. If that's true, they're huge dicks. I always just assumed they got the tech from one of America's not-so-secret black ops groups and it was the United States government that was hoarding the technology. Although I can see Batman not giving away technology secrets. He's a fucking businessman!

Meanwhile in Kansas, John Constantine makes some new friends.

I hope by "Tommy" she means Tommy Monaghan. I know it appeared his entire Preboot comic run had actually already taken place according to that scene in Batman and Two-Face but since this is a weird, probably alternate future, I can dream, right?

The Tommy guy has way more facial hair and bulk than the old Hitman had but he's wearing dark glasses in the dark, so it could be him! In this alternate reality, he may have eaten all of the meals that Amanda Waller seems to have avoided. He actually looks more like Vandal Savage than Hitman but when did Vandal every go by "Tommy"?! The woman's name is Midge and I don't know her. But then I'm not caught up on the last eight years of Hellblazer. And I've pretty much forgotten the years before that! Also maybe she's new!

Constantine was pulled to Kansas by Midge and Tommy to investigate some crop circles. He realizes they're ancient killing fields. He may or may not realize they're in the shape of Firestorm's chest design. Unless they're in the shape of Daemonite landing rockets. I can't answer those questions this week because there will be more comic book next week! I bet none of the questions get answered then either!

Futures End #5 Rating: No change. Still no way to tell if Futures End is good or bad or boring or exciting. It still just feels like it's launching from the dock and it's not quite out past the buoys where it can really start humming along. That's some kind of ship metaphor! But I don't know anything about ships or metaphors, so you can probably ignore it.

Action Comics #32

Meet your Anti-Superman Army! Metallo! Atomic Skull! Steel! Ghost Soldier!

You know who's missing from the Anti-Superman Army? Ambush Bug. He was Superman's greatest enemy.

Like the rest of the Doomed issues, this issue begins with an article by Lois Lane. She's decided to cutely refer to the creature that will soon probably kill everybody on Earth as "Superdoom." She relates the conversation she had with him in Superman #31 which pisses me off because Scott Lobdell wrote that conversation. I thought I was done reading Scott Lobdell's version of Superman! I had cleansed myself after reading Superman #31, performed ancient rituals to purify my psyche, and sacrificed a small child to the Great Old Ones so that the dark corners of my house would no longer haunt me. That last part had little to do with Lobdell but I figured it was that time of year to clear the cobwebs.

Anyway, horrible Lobdell scripted conversation better, Lois agreed to tell the world that Superman can't be trusted. And the world went, "Oh yeah. We already got the memo. We're xenophobic, racist bastards who would rather die painfully than be saved by a guy that thinks he's better than we are. Way ahead of you, Lois."

And then Superman escaped the people who were trying to help him so he could interact with The Teen Titans for some reason. I think that reason was that Scott Lobdell just can't let go. I wonder if he thinks he wrote the best run of Teen Titans ever as opposed to the worst run?

Now Superman is on the loose in a story Greg Pak titled "Nightmare".

And Doomed devolves into the kind of Superman story I can't stand. Superman versus the government.

Lois Lane goes on to warn people that Superman is not acting like himself, so if they see him on the streets, "do not engage." It's a good thing she put out that warning our else you might have a lot of do-gooders engaging in fisticuffs with the Man of Steel thinking they can subdue him and become national heroes.

Superman knows he's becoming a danger to everybody but he still remains on Earth because fuck humanity. Why don't they leave?! If I were Superman, I'd go sit in the heart of a yellow sun and see if I couldn't boost my immune system and defeat the Doomsday Virus inside of me. Or maybe the Doomsday Virus acts like an auto-immune disorder which is why Superman is getting so bumpy and scaly? Maybe he needs to take some super prednisone?

I was already thoroughly confused as to how Superman's secret Clark Kent identity hasn't been exposed due to his dating Wonder Woman and Clark dating Diana Prince and Wonder Woman not having a secret identity before Wonder Woman begins talking to Lana Lang while trying to reach Clark Kent. Clark set up some weird emergency phone system so that if he's ever in trouble, Wonder Woman and Lana Lang would reach each other. For some reason. Because it's more important that Wonder Woman work with Lana Lang than Batman? Anyway, that isn't the part of the secret identity confusion that concerns me. Obviously these two women both know his secret, so they can talk freely about it. What concerns me is when Wonder Woman calls Clark's emergency number and a female voice on the other end answers and asks "Who is it?", Wonder Woman answers "Wonder Woman." What if it were Lois Lane on the other end? Or Cat Grant? Then Wonder Woman would have to think up an excuse as to why she's calling Clark Kent! I guess she can pretend to be one of his sources. Or she could just pretend she's cheating on Superman with Clark. Although how about just exhibiting a little more caution, Diana. Do you need to take Batman's Paranoia, Secret Identities, and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Seminar again?

Well I'm a plumber and I took some readings too! They're farting into space as well!

The panel underneath the panel I scanned above is a shot of Wonder Woman leaping from the roof of the building. I didn't actually take any proper measurements but I'm fairly certain that 83% of Wonder Woman in that picture is bosom.

Steel suggests Superman retreat to the moon for a bit while they work on a cure. Superman's excuse for not going to the moon is that he won't abandon the comatose people of Smallville. No, of course not. You'd rather kill the entire world instead. Makes sense.

Yeah, I know his mind is fucked up from the Doomsday Virus. But that's still a sorry fucking excuse to stay. I'm sure he could have come up with a better reason like "Fuck you, Steel!" or "...!" That second quote is Superman just killing Steel quietly and burying him in an unmarked grave in the desert.

Steel's attempt to convince Superman that the moon is lovely this time of year is interrupted by an attack of the Anti-Superman Army! I guess it's just composed of Atomic Skull and Metallo. Lois is kind of part of the team as well since she's acting as Braniac's second.

Is that a popular pastime? Bottling dead fetuses?

Atomic Skull blows himself up and somehow Steel survives. Metallo blows his own ship up when Superman boards it and it explodes like a Kryptonite nuclear blast (because the ship was full of kryptonite powder) and somehow Steel survives. Superman also survives but not very well. The Kryptonite invaded his body and weakened Superman so that the Doomsday DNA could completely take over.

Clark's not here, Mrs. Torrance.

Action Comics #32 Rating: No change. Once again, the government of the United States decides that violence is the best answer to a problem! And guess what? They were wrong! Again! I think governments (as well as a lot of assholes in everybody's daily life) believe that fucking up and following it with the phrase "At least I tried something" is an acceptable way to go through life. Fuck thinking things through before acting. Fuck trying to work with other people or compromise. If there is a problem and you can do something violent to exacerbate that problem, do the violent thing! Hell, even if the violent thing doesn't cause more trouble and actually does solve the problem, I'm still against it. Violence is really just a way of changing the subject. And that's why governments (and many people) want the best weapons they can find. Because when they change the subject, they don't want the opposition to have as good an argument at the ready as they have. And of course some people don't know any other subjects but violence. You probably should avoid having disagreements with those kinds of people. Let them miss out on everything good in life while they rage and rant at everything they encounter. Meanwhile, I'll be over in the corner with this string and these kittens.