The Phantom Stranger #15

The New 52 has been ongoing for well over two years now. Don't you think it's time to at least drop the exclamation point on "The New 52!"?

I'm going to tell a quick anecdote here because that's what I do. Regular readers understand this and put up with it or learn to skip the first few paragraphs. If you're just here to read about The Phantom Stranger #15, don't worry. I'll be getting to it very quickly. This is a short one.

So last night at one of the gas stations whose floor I clean, I overheard a conversation with a customer and the clerk. The customer was talking about how there was an ATM outside of the store where he's employed that everybody always has trouble getting to read their cards. Invariably, he has to go outside and help them with it because it takes a very special touch. He described it thusly: "It's like Excalibur. It takes the Midas Touch to get it to work." I laughed out loud but that's not unusual because I've taken to listening to podcasts while I work. Anyway, the clerk seemed to think that was a reasonable statement, so who am I to point right in their faces and laugh uproariously at the preposterous suggestion that you need Midas's Touch to free Excalibur! It's not like I'm twelve years old! I didn't feel the need to mock them at all. I did murder them both before I left though because I owe the world at least that much.

See? That was a short one! Far shorter than many of my opening rambles! And now, on to the next Chapter of Forever Evil: The Blight Years. I think The Phantom Stranger had just gotten up the courage to ask the new exchange student out on a date. But mostly he did it so he could go to the same party as Pandora and keep an eye on her since she'd begun going out with the high school quarterback.

The Phantom Stranger has currently ditched the Justice League Dark so that he and Terrance Thirteen can save Chris the Babysitter. But Dog has other plans based on mysterious ways.

The Phantom Stranger isn't buying your bullshit, Dog!

Just knock it off, Dog. You're omnipotent! Plans within plans mean nothing to you! All this interfering with mankind after giving them free will is like a child drinking his sea monkeys. Somehow. Don't ask me to explain myself! I write in mysterious ways!

Because it's his nature and he's a Dog's fucking puppet, The Phantom Stranger surrenders to Blight, betraying his Mini-Justice League Dark comrades. I don't remember if I'd previously had any respect for The Phantom Stranger before this but if I did, I'm tossing it into the trash can right now! Right on top of the empty Starbucks' cups and Oreo packages!

Blight's first goal is to extinguish the humanity of his host, Chris the Babysitter. To do this, he is going to show Chris how his family are just regular jerks and assholes like everybody else. Well, if Chris the Babysitter is anything like me, he already knows that and won't fucking care what he winds up hearing.

So Envy has remained dead! Just like The Sea King! My Seven Sins equating with The Crime Syndicate theory still holds true! It's probably less valid than Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake from the Future, but it's still possible!

As soon as Blight begins fucking with Babysitter Chris's sister, Phantom Stranger flips the fuck out and decides he can't go through with Dog's plan to work with Blight. He blasts the sins with his Stranger Danger Power and tells Thirteen to get Chris's family to safety. But since Dog works in mysterious ways and knows everything that will ever happen (that's what omniscient means! I think!), Dog probably knew that The Phantom Stranger couldn't go along with it. But Dog probably needed Blight to think The Stranger was working with him just like Dog needed Jesus to think Judas was working with him! Come on! I'm sure Jesus wasn't omniscient! Why would the Father want the Son to know everything he was thinking? The Holy Ghost also isn't omniscient. It just lies in the corner moaning as it works through an eternal hangover.

What Blight does next to The Phantom Stranger might be inappropriate for younger readers. So I'm asking all of those twelve years old or younger who read my commentaries, please cover your eyes as you scroll past this next scan.

Does this sex move have a name? Where you completely fill your lover's eyes with sperm? Catarakake?

Once again, somebody gets the whole Jesus Mythos completely wrong. How in the fuck did Judas unleash a tide of evil? Judas helped save everybody by helping Jesus get crucified so that he could die for everybody's sins. I don't think the story would have had the same impact if Jesus died old and bloated sitting in a recliner on a quiet Sunday afternoon. The Crucifixion of Jesus, if you believe in that kind of thing, actually brought about an age of good! An age where everyone has the opportunity to enter Heaven just by accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior! It's not like Jesus was flying around the world protecting everybody from evil and kicking Satan's minions' asses while he was alive! And Judas stopped that shit from happening and everybody was suddenly miserable because their hero was now gone. If I were a Christian, Judas would be my hero! He had the hard job! He had to betray his BFF and make-out partner. Jesus had the easy part! Somebody even carried his cross up Boot Hill the day he died!

Meanwhile in The House of Mystery, John Constantine is trying to get as much information out of the little bit of consciousness left of The Sea King. But magic being magic (meaning it's unreliable and dangerous and doesn't actually exist as a matter of fact but if it did, boy would it be tough to control, amirite?), Constantine loses his bit of Sea King or it enters into his psyche. But John got what he needed. He realizes The Sea King was terrified when he died. Maybe he was terrified because he realized the bit of him that existed on New Earth, the bit that tethered him to the place and allowed him to come over, had just recently been shot dead by Pandora! Yes, I'm talking about Envy! I'm going to jam my square theory into this circle story no matter how different the shapes are! And really, squares and circles aren't that different. A circle is just a super chill square, know 'ut I'm sayin'?

Meanwhile, The Phantom Stranger continues his weird sexual relationship with Blight.

I think the Phantom Stranger is supposed to work with Blight but only so he can encourage Chris to save everybody in the end.

I read The Last Temptation of Christ by Nikos Kazantzakis many, many years ago. Some years later, I decided to rent the film from a little video place in Lincoln, Nebraska. When I returned the tapes I'd rented, the cashier, a teenage boy, repeated the movies back to me from their titles on his computer screen. When he got to The Last Temptation, he said, "And The Last Temptation of Chris." Just like after I heard the Midas guy earlier, I laughed out loud. I repeated the title back to him correctly, mainly so he'd understand why I laughed. Come on! That's funny! But he just got defensive and muttered about how was he suppose to know and he was only reading it off the computer screen. But I think that's what's happening here! It's the last temptation of Chris Esperanza. Christ was the Redeemer. He was our hope. And Chris's last name means hope. Also, Chris died and was resurrected. So The Phantom Stranger is very much reliving his time with Jesus. Except Chris the Babysitter is less impressive and he's being a really big dick right now.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the world, Nick Necro and Felix Faust are working with Ultraman to get Project Thaumaton underway. Lord Google tells me that "Thaumaton" means Wonderland. Also, one of the few hits on the word brings up a book written in Greek by David Icke. I need to find a translation of that! I bet it's crazy good! Emphasis on the crazy. Anyway, the Project, so far, consists of a Bio-Weapon that uses a Mage as a fuel source. In the first test, Mindwarp is loaded in and killed when the weapon fires. At least I think he's killed.

Looks dead to me.

Now why would they call it Project Wonderland? It makes me think of Beyond the Looking Glass since the Crime Syndicate come from a mirror world. It's a distorted mirror but at least when looked at from space, the land masses are a mirror image of our world. Perhaps it has something to do with connecting the two Earths. Also, it's a fucking weapon! I probably shouldn't look past that part. Maybe the entire thing is merely a weapon to defeat Darkseid if he ever shows his fat, smug, rock-hard, chair-loving face again.

Back to Phantom Stranger, he discovers that Chris the Babysitter wants to be Blight's host. So The Phantom Stranger, realizing he can't make Chris change if Chris doesn't want to change, he heads back to the Mini-Justice League Dark to wait for Chris the Babysitter to hit rock bottom. While he waits, The Stranger collects his teammates and heads off to Heaven to kick his fucking Dog.

The Phantom Stranger #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. Next issue of Constantine is called "Two Fingers to Heaven." Talk about blasphemy! For the very, very few that don't understand the reference, that means flipping off heaven the British way. All around good issue, this one. How's that? One fucking single line review after blathering on and on for-Goddamn-ever!

Swamp Thing #27

How come as soon as Charles Soule took over this book, every issue feels slightly pornographic?

Last issue, the part of Swamp Thing was played by Jason Woodrue. The part of the Omniscient Narrator was played by Alec Holland. The part of the long-lived French woman seeking sanctuary was played by a cup of coffee. The part of the Avatar of the Red was played by Maxine Baker's understudy, Buddy Baker. This issue, I don't know what the fuck happens because I haven't read it yet. But it looks like I might need to mention who plays the part of Alec Holland's penis next time.

Alec Holland actually decides to make an appearance this issue as he hangs about in The Green with his new BFF, The Wolf. The Wolf was an Avatar of the Green from 1754 to 1787 and not a Country Music Station like you probably assumed. It is a bit weird that you would assume that since this is a Swamp Thing comic book! Stupid weirdo. I'm Tumblr judging you! That's where I get to feel real pride in calling you out and pointing out all of your flaws because you did something that I was able to purposefully misunderstand in such a way that makes you seem like a complete asshole and makes me feel better and seem way more enlightened than you. But it's your own fault for allowing me to pretend that you thought something incredibly stupid! You really should know better.

In the Tumblr Perfect World, facetiousness would be the world's greatest crime. Which might just make me the rough beast slouching toward Tumblr. Don't worry, Tumblr. Facetiousness is also the greatest crime in the Hipster Perfect World. In both cases, most things must be taken very seriously. Sure, you can act whimsically and silly when it comes to fandoms and facial hair. Although you can't be mean when discussing other people's fandoms and you have to be overly intellectual when discussing popular culture. Also, you have to love and accept everyone, and you must hate and ridicule everything. You must overly care about all of your Followers, and you must remain dispassionate and unmoved by everyone not in your clique. I'm talking about Tumblr Perfect World in the first halves of those sentences and Hipster Perfect World in the second halves of those sentences. I probably could have made that more clear by doing it differently. But why should I bother clarifying anything to you?! You thought The Wolf was a Country Music Station!

The Wolf is currently busy trying to distract Alec from his thoughts of revenge against Woodrue.

No, they're not women. They're plants.

This issue has a new advertisement for the television show Arrow and I have just one question: Does anybody in that show ever wear a shirt?

Alec Holland is desperate to find a way out of The Green. Probably as desperate as I am to delete the comments I made above before anybody takes them the wrong way! Maybe I should just remove the header to my blog and replace it with the definition of facetious. Oh, who am I kidding? Comic books aren't serious! Nobody expects me to be serious about anything I write about, right? If you're reading this for intense treatises on improving the human condition then you probably should take a deeper look into your choices and how they brought you to this place! In much the same way that Alec Holland is doing now as The Wolf takes him to meet a resident of The Green that has tried to escape before.

Ah! Lady Weeds! I have not been this horny for a plant since my freshman year of college.

Lady Weeds acts just like Shado from Green Arrow #27. Alec needs information about how to get back to Earth and instead of telling him, she decides to be mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. She tells him he already knows. Alec reacts in exactly the same way Oliver reacted. He's a bit pissy at such a fucking dick answer. But at least Lady Weeds offers a hint to Swamp Thing that he can understand. But neither of them mention the place where The Green "pokes right through the skin of the world." Is it where the Parliament of Trees stand in the bayous of Louisiana? Maybe it's in the Fertile Crescent! Or deep within the Amazon? That's all of my guesses because I don't know anything about nature or natural places. I like to hide from the world inside man-made structures and pretend that reality isn't an objective thing that exists when I'm not taking part in it.

Oh. The riddle was easier than I expected!

I guess now Alec Holland just has to get naked and climb up their heads and into their thought rivers! Easy peasy!

Actually, he and Lady Weeds have to battle all five members of the Parliament of Trees to the death so that they can escape back to Earth. Alec seems up for it which is weird since he refused to kill just one guy (Jason Woodrue!) to maintain his job as Avatar of the Green and now he's willing to kill five ancient beings to get back to Earth? I guess they have screwed with his life on multiple occasions. Alec probably has a few bitter resentments rattling away in his brain.

Alec easily defeats the Parliament because they'd been sitting for so long that their arms and legs were asleep and they were a bit foggy waking up to being killed. But Lady Weeds gets her sexy butt cut off so that she can't follow Alec when he heads back to Earth. He blocks off the access route so she can't follow because he's an asshole and he doesn't want the prettiest plant in existence to have too many guest appearances in his comic book. So it serves him right when he arrives back on Earth but finds he can only manifest as a tree. So he lures Jason Woodrue to him so that he can steal his Avatarness.

Alec is the worst Champion of Plants ever. He doesn't mind killing the Parliament but he's got to save fucking Woodrue.

Alec uses Woodrue's power to make The Green bloom across all the oceans, making the Earth a big green ball for a brief amount of time. In that time, he demands to be made the Avatar once again and The Green, seeing his power and resolve, relents. Woodrue is left to die but Alec sends him into The Green to keep him alive. Alec also sends the Parliament (which he only humiliated and didn't actually kill, I guess) into dormancy. They are put to sleep so that they will never again interfere with his job. All that is left is Alec Holland and The Green. And of course the enemies he's made inside The Green, Lady Weeds and Jason Woodrue. Also that Country Music Station. And probably a whole bunch of others.

When he's finished with his coup, Alec is left standing around a bunch of naked bodies.

Is that Lady Weeds? And The Wolf? And the other guy? Or are they just corpses that were disposed of in the swamp by some serial killer?!

Swamp Thing #27 Rating: No change. Charles Soule made a major blunder this issue! He showed me too much of Lady Weeds and now fuck it if I don't want Lady Weeds as the main Swamp Thing! Fuck Alec Holland! He had his turn and he fucked it all up. Multiple times! Give Lady Weeds a chance!

Green Arrow #27

Is this cover a Blue Shield joke? I suppose all of the clans are going to have an associated color! The shield equals hope while the arrow equals willpower!

Oliver Queen (I keep wanting to call him "Oliver North" or "Oliver Green") has finally found the Arrow Totem but the comic book ended before he could get his hands on it last month. Also not happening before the comic book ended last month: Green Arrow became interesting! Ha ha! Take that, you non-super-powered archer! You're worse than Aquaman! At least he can have tea and crumpets with dolphins. What can you do? Shoot a boxing glove at somebody's face and make a lame quip as you do it? What a jerk!

Now that Green Arrow finally has a competent writer, I feel like I can really hate him like I used to without feeling like I'm kicking him while he's down and bleeding out and not breathing and practically dead. I'd like to say I've never been a fan of Green Arrow but a much younger version of myself did enjoy seeing what kind of stupid arrows he would wind up shooting at the bad guys. He never seemed to think the time was right for a normal arrow through the heart though. That was disappointing.

This issue begins by pointing out that I was wrong about Green Arrow finding the Arrow Totem. It seems he found the place where the Arrow Totem once was.

Oh come on! If you know more than you've been telling, spill it! Stop being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious! And also for the sake of contrived plot tension!

Let me guess: everyone is going to jump out from behind some rocks and yell "Surprise!" now, right? It's Ollie's birthday and they've all pitched in and purchased him his own Arrow Totem! But nobody appears. Instead, Ollie shakes Shado and demands she tell him what she knows. But she only tells him that he already knows what she knows! But I don't think he does! And I don't really care if he knows or not! She should tell me! Maybe the Arrow Totem has been inside of Oliver all along! No, no. This isn't some happy-go-lucky Afternoon Special. Besides, that would be really uncomfortable. Before Shado can tell Ollie her secret (which I don't think she was willing to tell anyway), Lemire thinks up some loud drums to distract Green Arrow from seeking the truth. Whew, that was a close one! The readership almost found out too much too quickly! Thank goodness for Native Island Contrivances like war drums!

Or a bunch of maniacs banging on their shields.

The Shield Clan is the worst clan ever. So boring! I would be embarrassed to have become a part of the Shield Clan. I would have at least brought a Kite Shield.

Meanwhile in Japantown in San Francisco, Katana is breathing a sigh of relief that she's finally going to get the chance to be in a decent comic book. Magus visits her and says, "All the shit you've been through, it was all tied up with this group called the Outsiders. I need your help for mysterious and unclear reasons which I won't tell you. But I will promise you answers to all of your questions! And you will get to kill people! Are you ready to join me?" And Katana says, "You had me at no more Ann Nocenti." And Magus goes, "I never sai...." And Katana put her sword up to Magus's lips and whispered, "Shhh."

Meanwhile back on Arrow Totem Island, Green Arrow and Shado shoot a bunch of arrows at the Shield Clan. The results are...well, you know. What you would expect. A bunch of shields with arrows sticking out of them. But Green Arrow has more than just regular arrows! Remember how I remembered that about him earlier?! Remember?! He doesn't use his Boxing Glove Arrow which is the one that always needs to be mentioned because it's the most iconic. Instead he chooses his Explosion Arrow which would seem really fucking dangerous, especially for a guy who doesn't like to kill. I suppose he usually saves that one for when he's trapped behind a big steel door or when he needs to blow a hole in the side of a mountain to get to the Arrow Totem. He also uses a Net Arrow and a Fire Arrow and that Arrow that The Weapon Expert Formerly Known as the Alive Weapon Expert made for him. You know the one! The one that covers the person in hardening foam? I think the guy's name was Jax. Also, maybe he didn't invent that arrow. That one may have been invented by the Techie That is Overweight and Has a Crush on Naomi. I can't fucking remember his name at all but I think it began with a "P".

Anyway, Ollie defeats all of them except for their leader Kodiak who drops out of the sky! I guess he has a Hover Shield. Maybe that's what he calls his helicopter.

Don't your boys have to be conscious and/or alive to learn from your example?

Green Arrow and Shado flee from Kodiak because his shield is too powerful for them. Also, he broke all of their arrows when he crashed down on top of them. Now the only way Ollie is going to be able to defeat Kodiak and his Shield Totem is to find the last arrow left on the island: The Boxing Glove Arrow! I mean, The Totem Arrow!

Green Arrow takes Shado back to the place where he became a man. It didn't matter that he became a man by doing it to another man. That's how some men become men! It's just kind of weird because I think Green Arrow is heterosexual. But hey! What happens in college (or on deserted islands) stays in college (or on deserted islands)!

Sexual!

As Ollie and Shado near the place where Oliver became a new man, Shado decides to get mysterious again. "You know why you're here, Oliver! It wasn't a coincidence, Oliver! Just think about all the tropes that have gotten you to this point, Oliver! What's the last trope that you'd totally expect? Come on! Whose responsibility is it to make certain that the son becomes a man-fucker? I mean a man?! Well, don't think about it too long because he's going to answer the question for you, you stupid dishrag! I mean douchebag!"

Yay! It's Dicky Queen! Whose first name isn't actually Richard even though he was called Richard a few issues ago and then his name was corrected to something else that I can't remember because it was in no way as good as Dicky Queen!

Green Arrow #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. This ranking is mostly for Sorrentino's art which is fabulous. But that Shield Clan was shit. What a bunch of stupid assholes. No wonder they get sent in first! They get no respect and they don't deserve any! I suppose they showed how their "stability" was their downfall, resorting to traditional shield tactics while Ollie has entered the modern age with Boxing Glove Arrows. Anyway, Ollie still needs to deal with Kodiak but next issue can't be a Shield Clan cover again, so I suppose it's going to be an Arrow Clan cover since Dicky Queen just showed up with the Arrow Totem. Although it could be a Sword Clan cover since Katana is being brought in by Magus. Of course I'm the only one that doesn't know what the next cover will be because, before any internet assholes can scoff at me and tell me to take a look at the solicits once in a fucking while, I don't motherfucking look at the Goddamn motherfucking solicits. Get off my back!

Batwing #27

Batwing's covers continue to be twelve times more interesting than the story inside.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Batwing? Batwing? Bat. Wing?

How do you get to be a writing team at DC? Why would DC want to pay two writers when they could just hire one really acerbic and cynical piece of shit blogger to do all the writing by himself? Or herself if I were female. I mean if the blogger they decided to hire was female. Maybe Jimmy and Justin simply split the standard pay for a single writer doing the same job? Perhaps Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti cannot physically be separated without great harm or possible death to one or the other? Maybe Justin Gray is simply a puppet that Jimmy Palmiotti believes is alive and so DC gives him writing credits to keep Jimmy Palmiotti from breaking down and collapsing into a world inside his own mind? I wonder why Justin Gray didn't get a credit on Harley Quinn? Does Amanda Conner lock Justin away in a trunk in the attic when she wants to spend time alone with her husband?

I suppose I could ask Lord Google about Justin Gray but then I might be disappointed that he isn't a puppet and I'd have to go lie down for awhile and rethink everything I know about the way the world works. So I guess I'll just read Batwing which was at a nice point in the story where I don't really need to remember what was happening last issue. Clean slate! Or as they say in Latin, "Benicio del Toro!"

This issue begins with Batwing remembering that he was once Flying Fox but then Gotham City became the safest city in America and now GOTHTOPIA! I forgot all about Gothtopia when I said this issue was going to be all Benicio del Toro! I wonder if every time Lucas Fox would drop down in front of the criminals and yell, "The Flying Fox will stop you!", he'd give a little wink and giggle about how his vigilante name was playing off of his secret identity name! And as he did that, the criminals would stop and look at each other confused and say, "What the fuck?" and "Did he just say Flying Fox?" and "What the fuck is a Flying Fox?" and "Actually, a Flying Fox is a type of bat, one of the 'megachiroptera' or 'megabat'!" That last guy was the smart-ass bitch of the group that none of the other criminals could stand because his stupid name was Lord Google.

Gotham City! Now with Hot Air Balloons instead of menacing Black Blimps watching your every move!

I thought about scanning this whole page because it demonstrates nicely how Gotham is not what it seems and how Lucas Fox is oblivious to what's really going on and how he hasn't shaved in a week. But I really wanted to focus on the hot air balloons and not the dog attacking that guy and the person committing suicide by jumping off of a roof. I wonder if you tried to masturbate in Gothtopia, you'd actually just wind up punching yourself in the genitals over and over again?

Lucas remembers four days ago at the Gotham Knights versus the Coast City Emerald Warriors game how he and his father got totally gay for each other in Bruce Wayne's private box. It was the feel good moment of the year! But in reality, they were probably sitting in a dumpster watching cockroaches fight over a crust of pizza while some itinerant vagabond sucked them off.

You know what they were really knocking together! GOTHTOPIA!

Lucas Fox finally realizes something might be wrong when he checks his phone and realizes it's Wednesday instead of Monday. Fuck, that happens to me all the time! Except I don't have a phone to let me know what day it really is. I just wander around like a vacant-eyed zombie until I turn on the television and wonder why Judge Judy is playing golf and think, "What the fuck? Oh! It must be the weekend!" But Lucas Fox doesn't usually have that problem, so he runs back to his lab to run some tests. Also, the phone that told him it was a different day was probably actually a piece of dog shit and his lab is probably an overflowing honey bucket.

Meanwhile, The Victimizer and Rat Catcher are busy in their actual lab creating Viper to sell on the streets. The Victimizer has taken control of four Gotham Gangs (Anubis, The Corpse Corps, Speaker Heads, and The Darklings. Too bad he couldn't get The Shuteye Train on his side. Those guys are bad ass!) to help him distribute Viper across Gotham. And this is the perfect time to sell it because everybody will think it's a delicious bag of Pop Rocks that they get to take intravenously!

The Victimizer's plan is to make a lot of money. But with Rat Catcher's help, he also wants to punch Lucas Fox in his smug face. Neither of these fellas is affected by Scarecrow's Gothtopia Gas. The Victimizer because of reasons and The Rat Catcher because he's wearing a jar on his head with a rat in it. He calls his invention "Bell Jar Gas Breather Rat Pal." Fuck it. I'd buy one.

Meanwhile Lucius Fox is about to blow his brains out in the boardroom at Wayne Enterprises. Since Gothtopia shows the happy-go-lucky side of everything, I can't even begin to imagine what he's really doing that this is better! Fucking a corpse? Tearing the heads off of kittens? Punching a baby in the nuts?

I know! I know! I read that fucking huge Detective Comics already! You don't have to explain to me how the Gothtopia Toxin is causing people to go mad and commit suicide. But you wouldn't think a place where people were committing suicide in droves would ever be labeled the safest place in America. No, wait. I'm wrong about that. Our media fucking sucks dead donkey assholes. Of course they wouldn't tell the whole story! Although they might replay a viral video of a kitten riding a dolphin for the 0.05% of people that don't have access to the internet and still think newscasters and journalists are not total fucking puppet whores.

Now I've completely been derailed in my reading of Batwing #27 because distractedbyshinyobjects posted David Foster Wallace's Tense Present, an essay on grammar and more grammar. I bring this up because my fascination with grammar does not help in any way with my ability to ever get any of it right. I love to read about improper usage but fuck all if anything ever actually sticks. Grammar rules are like names, you either have an innate ability to remember them or you simply blunder about pretending that you could call the person you're talking with by their given name if you only wanted to. I suppose if I had somebody constantly pointing out my errors (full-time job, anybody?), I'd eventually learn the grammar. As David Foster Wallace points out, most SNOOTs (grammar Nazis, Language Police, you know. Read the article! He explains it) become SNOOTs because they had at least one parent pointing out the flaws in their language skills on a daily basis. One of my few bookmarked "read when I get a chance" pages (should "read when I get a chance" have been hyphenated instead of quotatated?) is Paul Brians' Common Errors in English Usage. It's sometimes helpful but mostly I just find it entertaining. Now I really think I need to pick up Bryan Garner's A Dictionary of Modern American Usage. Maybe I'll learn me somethin'! Of course, I still haven't made it very far through Steven Pinker's The Stuff of Thought, so maybe I should start by finishing that up! Or finishing that! Or finishing it? Fuck you, English!

Anyway, back to GOTHTOPIA to see if Lucius Fox kills himself!

Surprise! He doesn't! The Flying Fox stops him by crashing through a steel-reinforced window! Or windowpane! Fucking English! Looking up "windowpane" via TheFreeDictionary.whatevs, I see that it's also slang for "LSD." My friend Bob and I used to call doing LSD "carving pumpkins" because we had once planned to do that while on LSD. It's probably a good thing that we never did or one of us would have had a really scary, gory Jack-o'-lantern and the other one would have been dead.

Once Lucas Fox has his dad safely tucked away in his Honey Bucket, The Flying Fox creates a serum to ward off The Scarecrow's Gothtopia Gas.

Hey! Speaking of carving pumpkins!

Lucius Fox doesn't remember anything that happened while he was drugged because amnesia is "a byproduct of surviving withdrawal from the drug." But I think Batwing and Batman are able to remember! Maybe they go through the withdrawal. There is a single panel of Batwing falling to one knee and saying, "Well, that sucked." That must have been the withdrawal which he didn't want anybody else to go through so he changed up the serum for civilian ingestion.

This is the same logic that should have everybody suspecting that Bruce Wayne is Batman! And there are even more clues to Batman's identity with the links between his sidekicks and Bruce's wards!

When Lucius heads back to administer the cure to his daughters, he finds his daughter Tam is missing. But Lucas is there to get his dose! Batwing should have given his father a placebo dose for Lucas. It would have been easy to label all the syringes with who they were for seeing as how Batwing could have convinced Lucius that different body weights needed different doses. He wouldn't want to give Luke's dose for a 190 pound man to his daughter Tiff who is a seventy-five pound little smart-ass. But Batwing wasn't thinking clearly. Who does after they've just come down off of a hallucinogenic? I'm surprised he's not just sitting vacantly on the couch drinking lots of water and stuffing pork rinds into his mouth as he watches old reruns of "In Search Of."

Luke and Lucius head off to find Tam but they're not going to find her this issue because she's been kidnapped to be used as cheese bait to draw in Lukas Fox so The Victimizer can destroy him!

I suppose Rat Catcher and Mouse are going to have to have a rat-off at some point.

Batwing #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't know what it is about people with Rat Powers but they really pull at my heartstrings. And also my G-string. Don't mistake this comic book getting a +2 Ranking as being anywhere near equivalent to a comic book in the top fifteen getting a rating of "No change." I rank on a curve! A Deadman's Curve! Also, pro-tip for DC Comic Book creators that want to get into my good graces: images of lots of cute little rats really help lighten my mood!

Batman Loves Superman #7

Is this comic book ever going to right itself? Did Brett Booth take a blow to the head recently? Does he not remember the proper orientation of comic books?

I have a nagging feeling that I'm going to get chastised for suggesting that a comic book has a "proper orientation!" How dare I suggest that the traditional and most oft-used orientation of comic books be the "proper" one! Well, I'll tell you why I can say that! Because the orientation the creative team is using in Batman/Superman #7 makes it a calendar!

This issue begins with a woman delivering mail. It really draws the reader in quickly as the reader wonders, "Will she be able to mail her package on time? Or will her life be forever ruined because the line moves too slowly and she can't get her loan application postmarked by 5:00!?" I suppose that might draw the reader in if the reader wasn't like me and didn't immediately start berating the woman for waiting until the last minute to get her loan application in the mail. She can't blame the people in line in front of her simply because they were better prepared and arrived at a decent time to get their errands done. She can't blame the postal employees even if they drag their feet with each customer because it's her own fault for waiting so long. I suppose if I were kind, I could imagine that she's done everything just as promptly as possible and has still arrived at this moment in time where she must now rely on the speed with which other people live their lives. But I'm not kind at all. I'm a jerk. I'm a huge asshole. Which is why I also can't bring myself to blame Batman and Superman for her failure when they bust every window in the post office while fighting each other, causing the postal employees to flee for their lives as the clock ticks over to 5 PM and the woman misses her deadline.

I won't blame them. But it looks like she will.

This moment is as ridiculous as those situations that used to arise in the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials where somebody walking along with a jar of peanut butter would wind up nearly killing somebody holding a chocolate bar and they would discover the joy of peanut butter on chocolate. Who walks around eating peanut butter out of a jar in public? And if that person exists and another person happens to accidentally get their chocolate bar into the peanut butter jar, what kind of peanut butter jar carrying asshole suddenly decides that half of that chocolate bar is now his? The only person that should discover the delicious taste of peanut butter and chocolate is the grungy person that doesn't mind fishing her chocolate out of a stranger's peanut butter jar with her filthy hands and trusting that the peanut butter now on the end of that chocolate bar is not covered in hepatitis or syphilis (that's how those diseases are transmitted, right? From double dipped peanut butter?). And then after taking a bite, that person could then choose to share her discovery with the asshole that nearly broke her neck while roller blading down the street fingering a jar of peanut butter.

Anyway, this situation is just as ridiculous as the one I just proposed because who falls to the ground, angry and defeated about life, stoned on Mongul's Space Fury Pollen, just wanting to kill somebody and thinks, "Oh look. Google Glasses screaming 'Die die die' and 'Kill kill kill' at me. Might as well put them on and see what this is about!" Luckily for her, the glasses allow her to take her rage out on Superman as she now gets to control Nano-Enhanced Robot Batman.

But this woman is not the real villain. No, she is just a minor player in an epic struggle between mankind and the alien hordes that are dying to use mankind's rage to enslave the universe! That plan totally makes a lot of sense. And by "a lot of," I mean none at all. So I probably should have just said "none at all" instead of doing that cliche thing where I change the meaning of the phrase I just uttered just to underline my sarcasm. Now I just feel like a dirty, filthy internet blogger.

These are the butts of the real antagonists.

Toymaster Gameshop CTO, Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones, has programmed a brilliant game that utilizes one million humans who believe they're controlling Batman and decide on the move they want to use against Superman. The game system picks the move most likely to get past Superman's defenses and chooses it. Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones declares that each player has a million moves at their disposal and in a feat of amazingly accurate math, declares that each of Batman's punches is "literally one-in-a-trillion." And by "amazingly accurate," I mean "I'm fairly certain she fucking failed statistics so how did she program such an amazing game?" First off, each of the million players do not have one million different attacks at their disposal. I'll grant her that her amazing controller she invented allows for one million attacks. But then each punch is simply "one-in-a-million." I suppose if you want to mention 1 million twice and then pretend that you can multiply them together, you can carelessly declare that the trillion you've just come up with fits into her stupid word problem some how.

Although she does declare that the million users all have "millions of unique moves." But I don't know how long-lived Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones is or how many alien programmers she employs, so I suppose it's possible that she somehow had enough time and manpower to think up one trillion different attacks. I have to admit she's probably a lot smarter than me because I can only come up with Round Kick, Jump Right, Low Punch, Jump Left, Back Kick, Back Round Kick, Jumping Back Kick, Foot Sweep Left, Front Kick, Lunge Punch, Jumping Kick, Low Kick, Foot Sweep Right, Jump, Block, Squat, and Move Forward. And of those, I'd simply continually attempt the "Lunge Punch" or the "Jumping Back Kick." Those always worked well!

Mongul wonders why the humans would continue to try to defeat Superman even as they all begin to realize it's not a game but reality. And Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones begins blathering all that anti-Superman bullshit that I can't get behind because it paints humanity as a bunch of whining assholes that are more concerned with what others have than what's good in their own lives. I can't get behind humanity being like that. But I might be able to make an exception for Americans.

This is how I walk around Portland. I imagine people screaming at me, "You are not rich! You don't have a fancy handlebar mustache! You are not a DJ! You can't afford retro chic clothing that makes you look poor! You aren't nostalgic enough for last week!" Fuckers.

Mongul swells with pride as his scheme allows for the little people to enjoy their power. But mostly he's just engorged because he's going to kill everyone on Earth as he saps their hatred and anger to fuel his new Warworld. And the only person on Earth that can now stop his plan is The Toymaker! He kicks over the Alien Gaming Console in an effort to kill the program and save the world!

But stupid Superman saves the console from smashing into the ground because it might just be the only thing keeping Batman alive. Hey, look Superman. Batman's already dead and it's kind of your fault for ignoring Mongul's arrival in Gotham City. I say ignore because there is no way in hell you didn't hear all that space shit go down with your super hearing that you're always bragging about. You're always going on and on about hearing humanity's collective heartbeat speed up or how you can hear Lana Lang on the other side of the world flipping the fuck out. But when Batman needs help? "Oh, sorry! I must have spaced out for a second while you were getting a hole blown in your chest!" Now, I'm not laying all of the blame on you, Clark. Bruce is just as responsible for constantly insisting he doesn't need your help and that he is, in fact, better than you at everything. So now look where all your stupid game playing has gotten you guys? Fighting to the death playing a stupid game! Way to go, assholes.

This comic book should just be titled "Asshole/Big Dick." Maybe it couldn't be named that because that title was already taken by a gay porno mag.

Oh? Now it's 90 million? So I guess it was "literally" one-in-ninety-trillion. Unless the math is different!

Batman begins repeating my commentary when he tells Superman that the game has already killed him so Superman should just go ahead and destroy the console already. Looking back, I see I only got through half of that statement about Batman already being dead and that he wouldn't want to risk everybody's lives by remaining a Nano-Enhanced Robot version of himself because I was distracted by pointing out how Superman is a huge dick. But Batman gets it! Save the world, Superman! Batman has given his consent!

Superman decides instead of saving the world at Batman's expense, a better plan is to get killed by Batman so that he can become Nano-Enhanced Robot Superman. Good plan! I can't see anything going wrong with this one! I mean, the only downside to Batman being a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot was that he had no free will and was being controlled by 90 million raging gamerholics!

Oh! That must be Superman's plan! He'll now be controlled by 45 million or more of those gamerholics which will allow Batman to break free of their control and figure out how to save the day because Batman is much better at solving problems that need more than punching to solve them.

Crickets.

Batman learns a lesson in stupid comic book tropes by learning that after the heroes fight, they team up to beat the bad guy. Somebody says, "It's a trope 'cause it works." Oh, bullshit! It's a trope because most comic book writers are lazy bastards! It's easier to script "Enter Batman. Superman punches Batman. Batman punches Superman" than to script "Someone appears at the door and knocks. Superman: 'Who is it?' Voice from off-panel: 'It's Batman!' Superman opens the door and hugs Batman. Superman: 'Hi Batman! Glad to see you! I'm glad you didn't surprise me or I might have bopped you one on accident!' Batman: 'Oho! That would have been a bad mix-up that would have wasted much of our time discussing the real problem at hand!'"

Okay, maybe the punching is more exciting.

The trope works and all the raging gamers in the world actually decide to team up and defeat Mongul. I know this ending is bullshit because I play Halo and Call of Duty. In Halo, there's always plenty of people willing to drive their teammates off of a cliff in the Warthog. And in Call of Duty during Hardcore Ricochet where if you kill a teammate with one of your weapons, you die, there will always be at least one asshole going around blowing up his teammate's explosives so that it hurts them and kills the teammate that planted it. Fucking griefers.

Anyway, Mongul is defeated and tossed in the Phantom Zone and everything returns to normal! Hooray! And somehow Batman isn't dead! Yay! I guess the Nano-bots just rebuilt all of his organs so he's not a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot anymore; he's just normal Bruce Wayne, human. I guess. Whatever.

Nice job on consistency, Greg Pak! Fucking up your own themes from the first story arc where Batman trusts the boy to take care of his own problems and Superman doesn't so he interferes with the kid's life and saves him. Basically this is the opposite of that. Now Batman doesn't trust people to save themselves and Superman does. Oh yeah, by "nice job on consistency" I meant the exact opposite!

Batman Loves Superman #7 Rating: -3 Ranking. I have to give this comic book a negative ranking because it just sort of hand-waves away killing Batman and bringing him back to life so that he's completely normal again. And I suppose Superman was killed as well by a single punch of Nano-Enhanced Super Robot Batman which really fucking doesn't make any sense also. I'm also not a fan of Batman telling Superman people are afraid of him because he trusts them too much. That's just stupid! I'm always afraid of the people that trust me too much. More to the point, I resent them because they trust me to live my own life instead of doing everything for me! Assholes.

The Movement #8

Instead of "buried alive," I would have gone with "All blocked up!" to keep with the poo theme already established by the title, "The Movement."

Speaking of bowels, don't you hate when you sit on the toilet for a bowel movement and instantly let go with a huge fart while still having the bowel movement to get to? It's like losing all of your propellant!

Umm, maybe I should move on to less interesting but more socially acceptable topics. Like this comic book! Last issue, Burden had turned into a fucking megademon. It could possibly have been Demogorgon although I really don't think it was Orcus. He had tentacles coming out of his stomach so he might have accidentally belched "Hastur" and his new form was the result. I wonder if as the demon, Burden composes letters to his demon mom in his head?

"Dear Mommagorgon,
I'm sorry I disappointed you by not being able to shit flaming turds but I tried my hardest to cover the unbaptized babies in my filth anyway. They truly deserve my disgusting wrath, don't they, Mommagorgon? How dare they die before undergoing the proper religious ceremony for God to accept them into his ever-loving bosom. I hope they like being stuffed into my anal sphincter just as much as being hugged by Jesus. Maybe while I'm on Earth, I can learn to truly be evil from American politicians. That's why I've joined The Movement, Mommagorgon. So I can encounter the Corruptiticians personally! I miss you terribly. Tell father to go fuck himself.
Your boy,
Burden."

As this issue begins, Vengeance Moth calls the Graveyard Faction "a bunch of snarky buttholes." And that is a big reason why this comic book is so great. The only other character in the DC Universe that I can see saying that is maybe Alfred Pennyworth. Holy shit. I would so read a comic book written by Gail Simone about Alfred Pennyworth at home taking care of Alfred Pennyworth (the cat!), Titus, and Batcow. Also Bruce. He probably needs the most taking care of.

Burden in his demon form battling Arson, Assholster, Hester Prynne, and Butterface.

Assholster reminds me that his real name is Pallas when he calls himself a god. Why choose Pallas if you're going to be under the delusion that you're a god? I suppose that's the problem with delusions! You don't get to pick them! Although I wish one of the ancient Greek gods really had been named Assholster. I bet Assholster the god would be more effective against Burden the Pit-Lord than stupid dumb Pallas manages to be. But even a raging Pit-Lord with mommy issues can't hope to hold out against four other super powered beings. Which is why Vengeance Moth needs to come to his rescue.

But first, an interlude! A very sexy interlude!

Mouse is micexual.

Back to Vengeance Moth's rescue, she beats Hester Prynne with a crutch. She beat that bitch with a stick. She beat that bitch with a stick. She beat she beat she beat she beat she beat that bitch with a stick.

Sorry.

That'll only work if the Fruit Snack is Dimmesdale's Cock Flavoured.

Hester Prynne manages to fail in her attempt to kill Vengeance Moth because Pallas's blasts of godhood cause the ceiling to collapse all around everyone. For some reason, Pallas dislikes demons from Hell. He's so fucking judgmental. But Vengeance Moth manages to put a call in to Virtue before she completely passes out from rocks hitting her in the face.

There's this whole other scene back at the police station that I've been completely ignoring because it's just a bunch of cops and they're all, "Tell our story! Tell our story! We're so fucking important because we keep you safe! We protect you so pay attention to us!" But I was all, "Daaaaaamn. Fuck that shit, bitchstacios! You gotta learn that there's a difference between 'protecting' and 'policing,' doggydaddios! And until you get that crapoler through your fat-ass blue shields, I'mma just stand over here pretendin' you ain't even there." And they were all, "What the fuck did he just say?" And I was all, "You heard me! It takes different strokes to rule the world. Yes it does." And then I skipped out of there humming the theme from What's Happening and one of the cops whistled and said, "Dang. That boy is smooth crystals!"

And then there is a romantic part!

Talk about smooth crystals!

I wonder if Mouse's breath smells like rat piss? No, I don't actually. I'm fairly certain everything about Mouse smells like rat piss. I had one rat in my room in high school and every fucking thing smelled like rat piss. But it was probably worth it because rats are pretty sweet creatures. Except that Willard one. That one was a dick.

Back at The Movement's Batcave, Hester Prynne was about to have The Graveyard Faction retreat from Burden and Vengeance Moth and the collapsing roof when Katharsis, Virtue, Tremor, and Mouse appear to back everyone up. Apparently Hester Prynne believes that gave her team better odds because now she's decided to attack instead of flee! Hester Prynne might not be the brightest leader The Graveyard Faction ever had.

Virtue borrows Vengeance Moth's fear and uses it against Hester Prynne who becomes incapacitated. Arson has a shattered leg and Butterface really should probably put on more clothes. But in the meantime, Virtue tells them to get the hell out and they get out while the getting out gets them out.

"Tell our story! Pay attention to us! We have things to say too!" Ugh! It's those fucking cops again. Okay, okay. You get two panels! Make them good! And don't make them about Toothless Joe since he's getting fired anyway. I'm sure he'll be back for revengeance later.

Oh! Fascinating! Good choice of panels!

Does that mean Virtue died during Darkseid's invasion? Is that when she got her powers? I bet she was eating a bag of skittles when a Boom Tube opened directly on top of her, infusing her with the taste of the rainbow. She could also have been eating Sprees but Sprees don't have a catchy commercial telling people to eat them. They simply get by on their own delicious reputation and their silky smooth feeling on the tongue.

And then the issue ends with Batgirl coming to town because Babs feels like this comic book doesn't have enough Narration Boxing in it. Plus...wedding plans!

Mouse wanted me to crop out Tremor's negative reaction.

The Movement #8 Rating: +1 Ranking because this is one of the few comic books that serves up a nice dose of whimsy and people calling other people buttholes. That word is awesome because it sounds pretty innocent and it's never censored because it isn't an actual swear word like "assholes." But I love the word because when people hear asshole, they think of a person that is a fucking dick. But when you hear the word butthole, you picture an actual butthole! That word is dirtier than most of the other curse words! Mmmm, buttholes! Who doesn't love buttholes?! Also donut holes. Those are good too.

Arkham War #4

It's signing time with Talon and Bane! It's signing time with Talon and Bane! Come and play! Come and play! Come and play!

Bane begins the festivities by waking up the only Talon left in his possession, William Cobb. I think William Cobb was Dick Grayson's ancestor but my memory is faultier than that thing I can't quite think of, so I might be a bit unreliable. Speaking of family, I got this email from my mom about a week ago:

Haven't heard from you guys in awhile. I hope you got your Xmas gifts. My December was the worst one in history, excluding 2010. Give me a call once in awhile, please. You know I'm all alone down here.

I didn't reply because I don't respond well to guilt trips and only remembered to call her earlier tonight while watching Dexter when he mentioned how family is annoying and irritating! I glanced over at The Uncertified Spouse and said, "Oh! I should probably call my mom!" So I spent a an hour or two talking about Cats and Walking Dead and the reason her December was so shitty. It was because somebody let a bunch of Talons loose in Santa Clara. Which brings me back on track to this comic book!

Bane is still pretending he's Batman because that's weird. I've always felt that the villains that populate Gotham City do so because they have huge crushes on Batman. And Bane is just helping prove my theory due to his cosplay choices.

Bane informs Cobb (through the use of grandiose and overly burdened metaphors) that he is taking Gotham City and he'd like William Cobb's help. Cobb would like to see the other Talons freed from the grasp of Gotham's Madmen, so he agrees. And Bane declares he would like to see the Talons free as well because "to know thine enemy, you must become thine enemy." What the fuck does that mean? Is that why he dressed up as Batman? Does that mean that I have to begin writing like Scott Lobdell? No, no! That's only if I want to know my enemy! What the fuck do I care if I know my enemy? And why does Bane need to know his enemy? Doesn't he just want to defeat his enemy? I think Bane has been brain-damaged from too much Venom.

But don't you want to know them first? Like a landmass knows the ocean, tide after tide of endless greetings, wearing away the landmass's resistance one grain of sand at a time?

William Cobb burns off Sumo's face by using an unconscious Firebug's flaming hands to, well, you know. Emit flames! He then declares "One down, an entire asylum to go." But Sumo isn't actually down. He's just in the background clutching his face due to the slightly irritating heat. William Cobb is a Talon! He should be ripping these guys apart! Where's the gory overkills? He's just going to go easy on these assholes? Come on, Editorial! Give him some B-listers that he can kill! Where the fuck is White Rabbit? Kill her! She was created by David Finch during his shit tenure on Batman: The Dark Knight, so she still reminds me of all that time I wasted reading that crap. Finish her! Finish her now!

Little Wooden Ferdie does more damage than the Talon by shoving one of his fist screws into Mister Incandescent's face, rupturing it and sending his goo all over the street. Unless that wasn't Mister Incandescent. This is probably a good time to tell you how my memory isn't so good.

Bane grabs Zsasz by the face and calls off William Cobb before Cobb even gets started. What a disappointment. The only people that have died so far in this great war are nameless prisoners from Blackgate! This war sucks!

Bane is going to clean up this city better than Batman ever did! Nobody will have any individual freedoms but they'll all be too afraid to commit any crimes! Hooray for Bane!

Bane's actual plan is to take Gotham so that he can give it to the Court of Owls in exchange for a battalion of Talons powered by his Venom so that he can take over Metropolis and, probably, the rest of the world. That's a pretty ambitious plan. It also seems like a really fucking crappy plan. Why the fuck would anybody want to rule the world? What a shit job. Why are people so obsessed with fucking power? Just give me the amount of money I'm making each month right now each and every month until the day I die without my having to do anything I don't want to do. That's all I want! I certainly don't want to be responsible for anything! I just want to be free to travel whenever I want, to sit around reading and writing, maybe pick up a few more hobbies like painting and bathing, and some time left over to play Call of Duty while speaking in a high-pitched voice. Is that too much to ask?

Meanwhile The Scarecrow and Mr. Freeze and some (hopefully expendable) chump named Vortex have just woken up the rest of the Talons. With a nice mixture of Scarecrow's fear toxin and Mad Hatter's brainwashing technology, Scarecrow believes the Talons will fight for the Arkhamites and help them protect their sectors of Gotham from The Penguin and Bane. I don't think they have to worry about The Penguin since he's currently consumed with applying every medieval torture he can think of to Emperor Blackgate's scrotum.

Akrham War #4 Rating: No change. I don't think this can rightly be called a war until somebody with super powers and a stupid name bites the ticket. Buys the dust? Farms the roosters? Sails the crimson byway? Gets a visit from Aunt Flo? Spirals up the down staircase? Goes gently into that good Qwik-E-Mart? Sucks the peanut butter? Tips the waitress in cigarettes? Boils the bunnies? Have I gotten even one euphemism for dying right yet?! Oh! Suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?! Loves too well?! Fucks a Capulet? Mephisto up the yin-yang? Dreams of bottom's ass? Wanders over the Cliffs of Dover? Oh! That one should do it by whatever means a person would judge! That'd do you!