Animal Man #25

Animal Man! Animal Man! Animal Man fights Bloody Faced Man!

I can't remember what happened last issue. Oh, that's right. Because I forgot to read my commentary on Issue #24. Be right back.

I'm back but I don't know how much I remembered since the entire time I was singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Animal Man fights Butterface Man!" Yes, I changed the antagonist although not on purpose. My subconscious tends to have its way with my conscious because my conscious is a weak-willed piece of shit.

Maxine was battling Brother Blood for control of The Red while Buddy Baker had an awards ceremony to save. Oh, that was easy. I guess I did remember everything.

I decided to waste time scanning this picture so I could say this: I first read it as "Hollywood's royalty all basking in your own bloated beauty and poop."

Animal Man gets the message which The Church of Blood knew he would because not a single space in any Comic Book World is lacking a live video feed of important events. He heads off to save the day with his new sidekick, Ellen Baker.

And now for the rare part where I talk about the art. I'm fucking digging Rafael Albequerque's shit. Although the signatures every few pages is a bit much. Don't worry! I won't forget who is drawing the comic book!

I will! I will! Choose me as your priestess! Me!

Buddy Baker comes Polar Bearing in from Stage Left desecrating and blaspheming the Church of Blood all over the fucking place. He's a little bit pissed off that his daughter's missing and this High Priest of the Church of Blood mentioned how dead Cliff was earlier in the broadcast. So Buddy is ready to get some payback on the universe and he doesn't fucking care whose teeth pay the price. That sentence probably would have been marked up in red by my high school English teacher. Enh, fuck him. What did he ever give me but an A- and a bladder infection? No wait. That was somebody else.

Backstage, Ellen has been ambushed by an Acolyte of the High Priest of the Church of Blood and a starlet whose been a card carrying Bloodite for three whole years! Lucky! But Ellen isn't just a fucking victim. She's a sidekick, remember? No wait. I just said she isn't a victim. So she's better than a sidekick! I think she might be her own Goddamn Batman!

Spoiler Warning: Best fucking Best Actor Winner reveal ever.

That spoiler warning was a general warning for the rest of your life. Shit will get spoiled. You will pout and kick non-existent things while muttering, "Phooey." That's just life, kids. Although if you ever spoil anything for me, I will hunt down your grandmother and win her love and treat her nice and take her to fine restaurants and write her poetry and caress her thinning but still beautiful hair before I break her fucking heart on Christmas morning by handing her a beautifully wrapped, blood soaked present with your head inside.

Baker continues to beat the crap out of the High Priest while millions watch. It's the audience The Church of Blood is after so that they can commit suicide on camera and everybody watching can see their souls ascend into The Red which will hopefully make them believers and they'll join the church. Hey, you didn't have to go through all that trouble! You had me at Brother Blood's Preboot costume with the snake hoodie and the big collar and the flowing white cape. The shiny black diaper was a bit much but the gloss really classed up the entire look!

The High Priest's last action is to try to get Buddy Baker to kill him on television so he alludes to the fact that he's going to fuck Cliff when he gets to The Red. But Ellen is there to stop him. Maybe now Buddy will begin to realize his family is his team and not just targets he needs to protect. I think Ellen needs to realize that too! I wonder if they can convince Ellen's Mom to join Team Animal Man? She's pretty good with a shotgun.

Buddy and Ellen share a kiss as Buddy promises he'll get Maxine back. And then he's suddenly sucked off to an alien planet where some strange creatures begin yelling at him. I think the aliens Googled his name in the Morphogenetic Web and he was sucked off into space to save their day. Or night. Or daynight.

Animal Man #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. I tried to translate the alien's speech at the end of the issue but the patterns just don't make any sense. If it isn't just gibberish, I think some of the icons must represent letter pairs. But then I'm just an Apprentice Comic Book Reader now, so maybe I've just lost my skill at translating. Never again will I be able to read Old Portugese [sic] or understand anything Doop is saying. I'll have to rely on *gasp* the internet.

Pandora #5

Is the Pandora logo an emoticon of her body where the "O" is her vagina? The "P" is her windswept hair and face. The "A" are her breasts held tightly in her buttoned coat. The "N" is the bunched fabric on her midsection (or abs!). The "D" is her belly leading into her waist formed by the constricting lines. The "O" is her pelvis. And the "R" and "A" are her legs and cape and gun holster and stuff.

I am currently snacking on Fresh Gourmet (Registered Trademark) Crispy Jalapenos (Lightly Salted). Thankfully, if I want more than just these Crispy Jalapenos, they've provided me with some recipe suggestions on the back. "Taco Salad with Crispy Jalapenos." "Mashed Potatoes with Crispy Jalapenos." "Cheeseburger with Crispy Jalapenos." "Macaroni and Cheese with Crispy Jalapenos." Wow! I can make all of those meals using Crispy Jalapenos?! But what if I don't feel like any of those? How can I incorporate Crispy Jalapenos into other meals without a recipe? No worries! There are more recipe ideas at www.freshgourmet.com!

You know what, Fresh Gourmet? I think I've cracked your little pattern! I suspect you haven't created any of these recipes at all! You've just thought up a meal and added "with Crispy Jalapenos" at the end! That's quite the opposite of clever! Whenever I think Gourmet, I always think a previously complete recipe with some random ingredient out of a sealed plastic bag sprinkled over the top. Mmm! Delicious! I'm going to send them an email suggestion for my recipe of Crispy Jalapenos with Meatloaf. Why not make the Crispy Jalapenos the star of the dish?

Last issue, Pandora hunted down The Outsider because she needs some information. Or perhaps, like this cover states, she just needs to kill him.

Pandora asks him how to reopen the portal back to Earth 3 and The Outsider decides to answer the question by telling Pandora that she's not asking the right question.

She's not interested in the history of the box, you dick. She just needs to know how to get your ass back into it. So stop waxing philosophic and answer the Got-Damn Question!

Philosophy literally means "wasted knowledge" in Greek. Because "sofia" means wisdom and "Philo" was the name of the head of the first Greek Fraternity who could drink all the other frat brothers under the sundial. Also, he invented the term "fraternity" which was later incorporated into Latin by those thieving Romans.

The Outsider relates the history of the Seven Sins to Pandora because somebody has to know something so that the reader can learn everything. The Seven Sins don't cause sin at all. They just masturbate to it. Our actions are their pornography. The Outsider then points out what anybody paying attention to the Trinity of Sin has already been screaming about from the beginning: Pandora did nothing wrong. Just like The Phantom Stranger did nothing wrong except play an integral part in Jesus's plan. So I'm guessing The Question didn't do any shit to warrant his punishment either. The Council of Wizards was just a bunch of privileged douchebags expecting everybody in the world to know their rules and play by their rules and accept being punished when they broke a rule they'd never been told not to break. That whole Council can eat a tasty bag of deep fried donkey dick.

That's just the kind of stupid shit Philo Sophocles would come up with while lying in a puddle of vomit.

Phil Sophocles: "In my world, dicks are vaginas and vaginas are dicks! In my world, mouths are assholes and assholes are mouths! In my world, your world is my world and my world is your world! OH MY GOD! Everything is the same and nothing is everything!"
Aggie Gnostic: "You're not making any sense, Phil. Are you? I think you aren't. Well, you might be. Meh, whatever."

Pandora decides The Outsider might not be lying about one thing he said: The Crime Syndicate can kill immortals. So she tries to teleport back to Marcus where he's got an idea on how to fix the Box. But she gets caught up in the transporter beam, becoming pure knowledge. Well, slightly impure knowledge seeing as how she still has her guns and she begins shooting them at the knowledge tentacles that are trying to find an uncovered orifice.

"When a society decides that sexual imagery and intimate knowledge of the pleasurable arts should be repressed, that society will find stranger, creepier, more octopus-like outlets to represent sexual expression." -- Philo Sophocles, 663 BCE. Sometimes Philo said things that may have made sense although in this particular instance, he was only defending his habit of shoving calamari into his rectum.

Pandora finds herself transported back to where it began before she tries to kill herself with a rock but she has herself outgunned with pistols. Then she appears back at The Rock of Eternity with her fellow Trinity members. But this time, the Council of Wizards is composed of John Constantine, Fake Swamp Thing, and The Nightmare Nurse. So the Trinity will probably get a better trial this time.

Pandora #5 Rating: No change. Pandora didn't really get much done, did she? I suppose she got some advice from the people in her past as she time traveled but that won't get her far. "Immortals are overconfident." "Every person has a part to play." "There are two kinds of people: strays and losts." It all just sounds like Philo Sophocles, drunk again and fucking the house mascot. The house mascot was a huge marble tablet of wisdom which Philo chiseled a hole in. Which might be why some people think "philosophy" actually means "love of wisdom." Whatever. I'm sure a visit to Snopes will set those assholes straight.

Rogues Rebellion #2

In Which The Parasite Gets Kicked Out of the House on Real World: Keystone City.

Call of Duty: Clan Wars began last week so I fell behind in my reading of comic books to earn some virtual patches that nobody will ever see. I wonder if I can get Sunset Embroidery (my aunt's business) to make some real world versions of my First Place Clan Wars Patches! Then I can affix them to a nice sport coat and pretend I attend a really hoity-toity Country Club where most of the members are probably racist and have never read a work of fiction in their adult lives. Hmm, if my Country Club is imaginary, why can't I imagine it better than every other Country Club that has ever existed? You can't say "Country Club" without "Cunt!" Or "lube" if you have a bit of a weird accent or speech impediment.

Last issue, the Rogues had one job to do and they fucked it up because they allowed their empathy and their ethics to get in the way of their greed. But The Crime Syndicate sent the 2000 Assassanition Bureau Committee to slap their wrists. But apparently they couldn't get the job done fast enough because now Power Ring and Deathstorm have appeared to take away The Rogues' powers and give them a rather severe tongue lashing.

Hmm. I've seen worse tongue lashings than this on Little House on the Prairie! Although to be fair, Laura Ingalls often deserved to be whupped. That child was a true monster. And yet Nellie Olsen gets all the bad press.

Remember Perfect Strangers? Man, no wonder so many Hollywood executives were doing cocaine in the eighties. They could put anything on television and the populace would watch it. "Hey, look at this, Ma! There's a guy with a funny accent on the television! And he's trying to live in America! What a hoot!" Advertising money would pour in faster than anybody in Hollywood knew what to do with it, so they just shoved it up their noses and thought up more half hour comedies where two to four characters with catch phrases argued with each other until wacky hijinks ensued. Some people may think that this country lost its innocence after we dropped a couple of nuclear bombs on Japan while still others believe that Vietnam brought the country into a cynical state of adulthood. But I can point to one single factor that shows most of our country had yet to lose its innocence well into the eighties: Growing Pains had a character named "Boner" on it without the slightest bit of tongue in cheek irony. That's some fifties era level naïveté right there.

I think that every organization should hire one person to be a cynical smart-ass, piece of shit motherfucker. That way, she'll be there to point out when they're putting out a product or starting an ad campaign that could be misconstrued as in bad taste or silly or just fucking messed up. I find myself inadvertently laughing at serious ads or news stories a few times a week because nobody sassed the people in charge about their stupid idea. Too bad I can't think of any examples right now to make my point seem legitimate! But seriously! Companies! You really need a Board of Cynics to look over every single thing you do. It'll make life much easier!

I know I called The Trickster "annoying" and "Toto" last issue but this made me change my mind.

Power Ring's paranoia takes over and he decides The Rogues need to be killed before they begin killing him. So a brawl breaks out between The Crime Goons and The Rogues. This scene already took place in Forever Evil #3 with some minor changes to the dialogue. In Forever Evil #3, Trickster replaces "You guys, obviously he's crazy--Am I right?" with "My mask has been itching all day!" This version is much better. I mentioned earlier that the Rogues had lost their powers but I was wrong. That happens in this fight and took place in Forever Evil #3 which my brain simply assumed happened in Rogues Rebellion #1. Go figure!

A little bit more of the action is covered here since the focus is on the other team members whereas the focus was on Captain Cold in Forever Evil #3. So now we get to see Trickster call Deathstorm "Skeletor" (he says, "Eat metal fist, Skeletor," which I, of course, first read as "Eat metal, Fist Skeletor."). We also get to see this juicy piece of non-information!

What are these two up to? Oh wait. Mirror Master just meant the fog. For a second there, I thought they were Nightwing and Damian disguised as Mirror Master and Heatwave. But then I remembered those characters are both dead. Or as good as, anyway.

Next on the agenda is to recount the pages from Forever Evil where Deathstorm removed Captain Cold's powers. Even though I've already read this bit, I like it much better with Hepburn's art over Finch's as well as some of the slight modifications in the writing. Also, Forever Evil doesn't have a post dick sucking shot of Captain Cold when all is said and done.

Somebody's got dick breath!

I'm sure this comic book isn't going to continually repeat everything that happens in Forever Evil, so my guess is that this comic book will continue to follow the other Rogues as they escape the Crime Syndicate while Captain Cold teams up with Luthor and Bizarro and Black Manta and Black Adam in Forever Evil.

I rant and I rave about the state of comic books today but I don't think I've ever offered any real solutions except for having Batman and Superman comics subsidize all of the other comic books. And I'm often hard pressed to explain what exactly I can't stand about a comic book and what I really like about another. I suppose that's because the real, initial, primary lure of comic books is rarely intellectual. It's visceral and emotional and feelsy. Buccelato tends to write comic books that satisfy my Comic Book Love Zone (yes, it's as disgusting as it sounds). And this here art of Scott Hepburn, who sounds familiar but I'm not sure where I've seen his work before, really rubs up against my Comic Book G-spot. And this page I'm about to scan in is a prime example of the things I love about comic books. This here ruins my Comic Book Underwear. I wish I could say that last sentence was metaphorical.

Trickster has flying shoes, so they'll probably be okay.

Not only is this page tense and fun, it also utilizes the medium of comics in a way that Kenneth Rocafort's staccato, crazy panel layout never can. We get depth and height and the seriousness of the situation in the first panel. It's also static and tame. They are safe for the moment. But it's the next series of panels that really make the page shine. We see the upward, hopeful movement of Mirror Master pulling Heatwave to safety in the first two. But the movement slowly shifts so that when Heatwave and The Trickster finally do slip through Mirror Master's fingers, the panels help to make the reader feel the downward movement. And to top it all off, the whole design feels natural to the eye because the panels also mimic the perspective of the windows on the building. Gorgeous stuff, this.

Trickster's flying shoes don't save them because they have Weather Wizard who is able to create a safety funnel and deposit the Rogues on a nearby roof. The Rogues dust themselves off and find that they're in Metropolis now after being rejected from Mirror World. That would make more sense than Captain Cold running into Lex Luthor in Central City like I thought was going on during Forever Evil #3. It also makes more sense for Black Manta to come swimming out of the ocean with Black Adam in tow! I knew there was something fishy about the set up in Forever Evil!

Captain Cold leaves the Rogues to figure out how to get back to Glider while he runs off to play with Lex Luthor. The next incident in the Rogues life is meeting up with an idiot with a death wish.

Ha ha! That's extra funny because Green Arrow is already low-budget. It's like calling somebody the uncool Aquaman!

The next person, if I can use the term "person," that attacks them is The Parasite. It seems that everybody's magic coin has proclaimed that the Rogues are wanted by the Crime Syndicate. And the Crime Syndicate is actually paying for this job instead of filling everybody's clutch purses with hope and promises. Did Twat Lobo get a coin? Because I think just hearing about a job that pays means that he has to complete it due to his ethics or something. Unless Twat Lobo is less ethical than Regular Flavoured Lobo.

Time for a What Not to Wear, Super-Villain Edition? I would vote for Signalman to be on the show.

Parasite usually fights Superman so I would recommend to the Rogues that they get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Weather Wizard blasts the Parasite with lightning (not "lightening," Internet) and fills him super full of tasty good potential energy which he's just dying to make kinetic all over Weather Wizard's face. Weather Wizard desperately calls for a new plan five times although I already told him the best plan! In the immortal words of the Amityville Pig Ghost: "GET. OUT."

They decide to go with my (and the Pig Ghost's) plan and escape into the Mirror World. Which Mirror Master has no ability to control anymore. So they're quickly rocketed out of it into another random location. Although not the real type of random. The kind of random where they don't get to choose but the writer has already thought out and planned for them all along.

If it were truly random, they probably would have come out in San Jose, California.

Rogues Rebellion #2 Rating: +4 Ranking. Do I have to justify my rankings at this point? This blog was never supposed to be a review site and yet sometimes people feel incomplete if I just make jokes and don't actually give my opinion. I suppose it's the same sort of feeling people experienced when walking out of The Blair Witch Project. That movie made people physically ill and, I suspect, many of them probably blamed it on the way it was filmed. But I'll tell you why they really felt ill. Because the movie offered no catharsis. It built more and more tension throughout the film, building up to a crescendo and what should have been a huge scare or epic reveal. Instead, it just ended with a guy possibly masturbating in the corner and the camera falling on the floor. There was no huge release. No scream to get out the built up tension. Instead, it remained a tight ball in the pit of the stomach. I'm surprised more people didn't walk out of the theater and vandalize cars in the parking lot. Oh, I almost forgot my justification! This comic book was fun and I like fun comic books and I'm a big fan of Captain Cold.

Damian (Son of Batman) #1

Welcome to Bat country!
Special Guest Commentary by jaeger-bomber because I don't have time for all of these fucking mini-series and shit.

Before I begin, it needs to be known that this book takes place on some shaky continuity ground. Written by Andy Kubert, before the New 52's inception but released now, before we know if, when and how Damian comes back from the dead.

We open at Gotham City's Tricorner Docks "Some years from now". The narration boxes take the form of entries on something called "Graybook" which appear to be a recounting of the events by Damian.

I notice that this book is not printed in the normal DC glossy paper, nor on the toilet paper Marvel tries to pass off as quality. No, it is printed on very high quality paper, like you would get in a high end hardback.

Damian discusses how he has been surrounded by death as they search a huge pile of bodies for clues, speculating that maybe someone is trying to teach them a thing or two.
[[MORE]]

Or not, "Just some poor bastard as ugly as Tim"

I don't know about you Americans, but "Bastard" is a word we here in the motherland have always been taught as being just 1 tier of swear words down from the big 2 "Fuck" and "Shit" and 2 tiers down from the word that must be never be uttered "Cunt". I have noticed in American TV shows that it is used almost with impunity, that and "Wanker". I applaud that you are still sticking 2 fingers up at King George, but if published in the UK this book would probably be Teen Plus just for that.

Anyway, on with the show. Damian gets called out for his lack of respect towards the dead. Oh the irony! Batman finds a jokerized fish and states that Joker is usually more deceptive than this. As he examines the fish, he lifts it ever so slightly, at which point Damian here's a click. There's not enough time to warn Batman before he get's blown to Kingdom Come though.

I like the call out to the "Batman cradles dead Robin" trope.

After the funeral, Damian heads to his mother's to ask for the League of Assassin's help in hunting down whoever was responsible for Batman's death. Before meeting his mother and grandfather, he passes through the clone room, where we see that there are still some backup Damian's on ice.

Talia explains how he was bred to be the ultimate warrior "" but that she is disappointed he chose to become Robin instead and therefore he will get no help from them. She also mentions that he was resurrected following a "submarine incident" before he joined Batman. I don't know if I missed this in Batman Inc. or whether it happened pre-New52, but if he's been resurrected once, he can be again.

Robin returns home defeated, so he deals with the situation the best way he knows how. The master comic book reader will be glad to know that Jacknapes survives the events of Joker #1....(if this is indeed in continuity).

Presented without comment.

After his murderous rampage, he seeks solace in the confession booth. Where he proceeds to confess that it feels righteous and that he won't stop. The priest insists that it makes him no better than those that oppose him, to which Damian rebuts that it's the only way to stop them from returning.

Damian storms off, mumbling about how the priest "acts like he knows me." The priest peeks out after him and says to himself "Oh, but I do." Glasses and a mustache, me thinks old Commissioner Gordon has had a career change.

Alfred has no more success at convincing Damian of the errors of his ways.

Maybe he will.

I really enjoyed this book, the art is fantastic, the paper makes it feel fantastic and the story sets up the rest of the series nicely. I noticed how Damian, and everyone else for that matter, never referred to Batman as anything other than Batman, so I'm retrospectively stating that I knew it wasn't Bruce all along. For the record, I think it's Dick. It's definitely not Tim, which really leaves Jason as the only other candidate. It looks like that which Bruce feared is coming to pass, but will it? Tune in next time folks.

Harley Quinn #0

Rated Teen? I guess Harley's Clown Car won't be seeing any action in this series.

Charlie Adlard contributed some art to this comic? Does that mean I won't be able to tell any of the characters apart during his pages? Sometimes while reading The Walking Dead, I can't tell if a page is full of the main characters or it's a shot of zombies. I haven't disliked an artist on a comic book that I continued to purchase because of the writer so much since Preacher and Steve Dillon's interchangeable faces with different hairpieces.

And the really good ones don't draw any two characters alike, Charlie Adlard!

The premise seems to be Harley Quinn is wasted on alcohol and sugar and, probably, anti-psychotics. This causes her to strike up a conversation with Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti who might possibly write a comic book about her. I probably don't know enough about all the individual artists to understand most of the jokes that will be in this comic book. It already took me long enough to figure out why Jimmy Palmiotti does the cowboy stuff! But that's because I'm only an Apprentice Comic Book Reader!

I only recently became aware that Connor and Palmiotti were a couple (probably when I heard about them doing this book?) because I don't really clamber around behind the scenes of comic books. Not that I'm not interested to maybe know more about the creators. But you can never seem to read articles about comic books without getting a shit-fucking-ton of spoilers about upcoming stories and what's next on DC or Marvel's big crossover to-do list. Most of the conversation about comic books takes place somewhere about four to six months ahead of the stories currently sitting on the shelves of the comic book store. Just by writing about Harley Quinn #0, I'm already at least six months behind the conversation. Everybody already talked this issue out! Why am I bothering?!

Another reason I like to remain fairly ignorant of the background noise of the industry is to keep my thoughts about the comic book storylines as untainted as possible. I want my reactions to be my reactions based on what has been written previously and what is currently being revealed as I turn each page. I don't need to know what Scott Lobdell's intentions were for the Teen Titans because I'm not reading it to see how well he executes his vision; I merely want to judge the story by the execution alone.

I am surprised that Tony Daniel's piece wasn't a one panel, two page splash!

The Joker is fairly reminiscent of Roger Sterling. They have the same skin tone, anyway. And I could see Roger coming in to work in that suit.

Harley winds up in a fairly standard 90s comic bit by Walter Simonson and then she gets a Jim Lee reprint page dressed in her new costume with one roller skate. The New 52 universe does not explode by having Reboot Harley interact with Preboot Batman. It's just a drunken hallucination anyway although if it's all in Harley's mind, The Joker must have told her that Bruce Wayne is Batman! Although she does get to cameo in her old outfit when Bruce Timm takes over.

I want five hundred dollar bucks!

When does she meet Ambush Bug? I think he warrants an appearance in this comic book. Let him out of the stupid Channel 52 bullpen, even if it's for a drunken fantasy comic book!

Next there's a joke about Doctor Manhattan's penis and a panel I especially like.

Of course Harley wants Batman's love interest to come in last place!

Next she gets to spend some time in the Tiny Titans world which doesn't go so well for Robin's underwear. Next Harley is in the passenger seat of a convertible as Poison Ivy drives it away from lots and lots of cops. Palmiotti comments on Harley doing that thing where you hold your hand out of a car and let it wave with the wind. I also used to like cupping my hand and feeling the ball of air inside of it and running my fingers as if they were a little man running along the fence posts and jumping from tree to tree to sign to hydrant to whatever until he would slam into a sign or a trash can or something that came out of nowhere.

Next she drives through some nice looking Sin City stuff before she winds up in the page that caused a lot of consternation. I'm not impressed by the new guy's work. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more if Harley had been drawn naked in a tub.

The numbers on All-Star Western shouldn't be anywhere near where they are! That's one of my favoritest books!

In the end, Harley Quinn goes with Chad Hardin which I approve of because he did a great job on the later issues of Demon Knights. Although the ad placement for Harley Quinn #1 kind of spoiled the surprise. Or would have spoiled the surprise if it were a surprise that Chad Hardin had been picked as the artist for the series. Hell, I already had his as the only name in the tags anyway!

Also, Harley finds out that some old client from Arkham has left her a building in Brooklyn. I guess that means she'll be opening up a detective agency for the criminally insane.

Harley Quinn #0 Rating: You really can't judge the series that this will eventually become by this issue. But I'll stick it somewhere on the ranking charts in middle or something anyway. Right next to Justice League 3000! Whenever that comes out.

Vibe #9

Is this akin to sitting on the washing machine?

From issue one, I believed that Vibe's brother Dante was going to be Vibe's arch-villain. But instead, his brother Armando has turned out to be his rival. How could I have been so stupid? Of course it's the guy you least suspect that becomes the guy you expected the guy you most suspected to become! It's how the biggest, lamest, most Hollywood bullshit twists happen every year! Although this twist isn't as horrible and cliche (without the accent because I'm too lazy to add one and it doesn't actually matter anyway because that's an accepted version that doesn't change the meaning of the word in the way that if you left the tilde off of año) as I've just now made it out to sound. It's just a thing that happened that surprised Vibe and worked well in the context of the story (especially with all that "Dante is obviously the bad brother" legerdemain going on) and has now given Vibe something to fight for! Besides saving the world and helping Gypsy and making a few bucks as a member of the Justice League of America, I mean.

Currently Vibe is in Piradell where Mordeth, Gypsy's father also known as Breacher, took him so that he can save everything. Or omnithing if you're a jackass Scott Lobdell character. Which Vibe isn't so I don't know why I even mentioned it. Probably because Scott Lobdell is my arch-villain! Unless I'm his? It's hard to know if you're the good guy or the bad guy in any given story because life is complicated and gray and messy. Mordeth has this problem, see? His world was once the most peaceful and cliche and happy place in all of existence! Nobody ever got hemorrhoids. Nobody ever had diarrhea. Impotence never reared its ugly head, so to speak. And the female orgasm was by no means a mystery to anybody. In short, it was paradise. But then an American (Armando!) landed on its golden shores and the party was over for everyone forever.

Vibe has now joined Mordeth's resistance force to overthrow Rupture and Mordeth's cuckolding wife and save everybody from everything forever.

I've read enough Stephen King to know that Price is from Maine.

Mordeth's resistance force (which Vibe has renamed "Justice League Sort Of" because America is awesome) saves a couple of kids named Hopper and Corr. The members of the Resistance are Vibe, Sniper Pirate, Little Dickhead, and Perfect Posture Lass. I don't know. Do you think Sniper Pirate should be Sni-pirate? I think both names have potential. Although neither of them have quite the ring that "cunt punching pumpkin fucker" has. I wish I could take credit for that curse but it's just one of many that April Winchell's fans put together for SailorTrouble. I do not offer links because fuck you, you know how to use the internets! Besides, if you're reading this little piece of shit blog, you obviously know April Winchell and Regretsy and all that shit. And you obviously know her father since he voiced the greatest cartoon villain of all time ever, Dick Dastardly.

After saving the little kids, Vibe decides to loudly and explicitly state the plans of the Resistance because the little girl and her doll couldn't be working with fucking Rupture now, could they?

Never trust anybody in comics carrying a doll. Unless that doll is named Cheeks the Toy Wonder.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn spends some quality time with Dante as he heals up in the hospital. Cisco has now been missing for two weeks and nobody knows what dimension he belly-flopped into. Hopefully Dante's nanocites are working on giving him super powers so he can be a gigantic pain in the ass to Waller's A.R.G.U.S.

And back on Piradell, Mordeth has been sucking all of the Earth juice out of Gypsy so that she can open a portal back to Earth. She wants to take over Earth because it is "the cornerstone of the multiverse." Of course it is! What place in the universe would work better? Why else do alien races and UFOs visit are planet constantly, mutilating our livestock and anally probing the mentally ill? It's because Earth is the most important place ever! And America is the most important country on the most important planet in the most important solar system in the most important galaxy in the most important universe in the most important time across all the vastness of infinite time and space. Why else would Jesus have chosen us?

Rupture tries to think about his brother but Mordeth forbids it by stuffing his head full of lightning. She knows the memory erasing, head clearing benefits of shock therapy better than most.

Breacher's resistance think they have more time but they didn't get the memo that this comic won't be making it past issue ten, so things begin going downhill really fast.

Rupture's speech bubbles aren't outlined in red! That means he has his own mind back! Right? No?

No matter how I come across in this blog, I'm actually a pretty calm, rational, sweet, likable person that doesn't have any issues with anybody. But I'm really, really, really beginning to hate Blair Herter and Tiffany Smith.

As the shit keeps picking up steam, Vibe learns that the technology Breacher implanted into Vibe's chest to keep him stable has a second use: it's a bomb! Breacher turns it on and drops Vibe onto Mordeth's palace to destroy her ability to access Earth and to save Omnithing! I mean everything! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! I can't stop saying "omni" now!

And back on Earth, Amanda Waller visits Dante in his hospital room because she needs a new agent named Purgatorio! And he's infested with just the right nanocites to get the job done!

Justice League of America's Vibe #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if the "Betrayed by Gypsy" cover was meant for a storyline that was interrupted by the comic book's cancellation? We've seen it time and again how the covers really begin to veer off course from the story inside as a book nears its end date (the first time I experienced this was in Blackhawks). I imagine a lot of story needs to be changed once the writer knows the comic needs to be wrapped up in a few months. But that's okay because I'm glad I don't have to see Gypsy turned into a bad guy for the sake of plot twists although, I'm sure, she would have been just as mind-controlled as Armando.

Superboy #25

You beware the Eradicator!

I wish I were eight years old and writing these commentaries. They'd be so much more entertaining. I wonder where I can hire an eight year old to take over? Anybody have a son or daughter that you wouldn't mind exposing DC Comics to? Also, they'd have to work with me so they'd have to have an extensive knowledge of curse words and know a bunch of synonyms for poop.

The last issue of Superboy, Superboy and Krypto were imprisoned by Psycho Pirate. Superboy had lost his powers. I don't know if Krypto had. But forget that story. That story doesn't exist anymore. That story will probably never continue. I can see no possible future event that will cause that story to continue since Superboy wound up flip-flopping through time until he was spit out in the Action Comics Annual to be a part of Krypton Returns! And that is the story that this issue follows. Not the Psycho Pirate story! Remember, you're supposed to forget that story!

For a company that seems to try to keep tight reigns on continuity, DC, deep down, doesn't actually give any fucks.

So, returning to the shittiest Superman story ever created (Return to Krypton Returns Again), Superboy was last left with the task of getting Past Supergirl into a rocket headed toward Earth before Krypton explodes. The difficulty is that she'll probably punch him in the face before every conversation. But she's young and boy crazy, so he should be able to lure her into a dark, confined space fairly easily.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell or Justin Jordan is responsible for the Narration Boxes but I'm taking them at face value: whoever wrote it really isn't clear on any of this story.

Kara and Kon are immediately set upon by The Eradickator, a deus ex plot device to keep Supergirl from going to Earth. Which will keep H'el from being stabbed by Kryptonite which will make it so he never comes back in time to Krypton's past which would ruin all of his plans completely. Wait. What? I think that's the opposite of what he wants. I guess H'el figured out a way to set up the time stream so that he is successful with his initial H'el on Earth plan while setting up all the other events that will make Krypton return in the correct and proper format for his supreme transcendence.

I don't know what I'm talking about. But I already gave up trying to make sense of Ann Nocenti's Katana. Can I allow myself to give up trying to make sense of anything Scott Lobdell interferes with as well?

So, The Eradickator. He appears and gives us his amazingly awesome origin as part of his introduction:

Really? Is that who you are? Because you just look like a great big flaming green cock with arms and legs.

The Eradickator is awfully proactive for being the living embodiment of entropy. I would expect to find him sitting on a couch covered in cheese puff powder and empty Mountain Dew cans. If he's the entropy across the entire universe, why is Krypton so special to him? He's playing favorites, isn't he? Shouldn't he love all of his gradually decaying planets equally?

He really is quite veiny, isn't he?

Superboy engages with The Eradickator while remembering the past events and comic books that led up to this. He conveniently forgets what was happening at the end of Superboy #24 though because that doesn't fit in with any of the other various titles he's appeared in (and, I think, he's guest starred in all of The New 52!).

While Superboy tries to get his giant dick under control, Supergirl has appeared in the past to wipe out the Clone Rebellion. From her initial observation, she declares that the clones are even more savage than historical records had indicated. So that means they must have served tea and biscuits to unwanted intruders because these Clones don't immediately kill her. In fact, they tell her several times the interesting ways that she's going to die and yet still don't try to kill her. I don't think they actually want to engage in violence. Perhaps their language has evolved to use only the phrases they've heard snarled at them by the authorities of Krypton? So when they say, "Have guts. See them on ground. Kneel and die," what they really mean is, "Welcome to our humble abode. Please, have a seat." And when they say, "I cut pretty throat now," they actually mean, "Would you care for a cool beverage?"

A fight erupts between Supergirl and the Clones because she's an ungrateful guest although it's not really any more aggressive than a handshake. Perhaps this is the way Clones size each other up and earn each other's respect. Instead of testing out the firmness of the other person's handshake in a judgmental display of passive superiority, they punch each other in the jaw and see who knocks out the most teeth. All of this fighting leads Kara to remember the days when she trained under Superman's mother, for some reason. I guess she learned an important lesson in manners that day.

This must be the lesson that taught Supergirl to punch people in the face when she first meets them. Which is why she remembered it now that she's punching her new friends, The Clone Army, in their faces!

Meanwhile in another place and time, Superman is busy beating the shit out of his mother because he has to. Oracle said so!

He also calls her an ass.

After Superman is laid out by his mother's kick, he tells her he's a friend. Then the Superman Sigil appears on his chest and she decides not to kick him in the face anymore. She says he'll get to meet Jor-el later so they can figure out what is going on. Then Superman will get to say, "Surprise! Baby's back! And I'm here to make sure you die!"

Back to Superboy fighting The Eradicator, Superboy is concerned that his power reserves are running out under the Red Sun (just as they've all been because they have to remind the readers that they'll eventually lose their powers so there is more tension. Although if it takes such a long time for them to lose their powers under the red sun simply because their reserve of yellow sun energy is running out, why is Superman always so adversely affected by Red Sun energy like when battling the, ugh, Sunturians? Shouldn't it just be a non-issue? I'm confused. Is Red Sunlight harmful to Kryptonians or is it simply the absence of Yellow Sunlight that is the problem?). But do Superboy's powers actually derive from the Yellow Sun? I thought he was different somehow since his powers are so different. Shouldn't he maintain his tactile telekinesis since that was developed in the lab somehow or derived from Alternate Future Lois Lane's latent abilities? I think The New 52 has some 'splaining to do.

Well, Superboy explains some of it. But the fact still remains: Why the fuck was he even concerned about the Red Sun in the first place?!

Superboy "eradicat"s The Eradicator (because that was what he was thinking too! That he would eradicat!) and taps into Argo City, realizing that the city itself is going to detach from the planet soon. Maybe. That might be what he realized. I'm guessing at that.

Back to Supergirl's dinner party, it's been a feral success! But there's a latecomer to the party and he's brought a gift!

I still hate the stupid fucking backwards "S" on his chest. Get your own gimmick, assH'el.

Superboy #25 Rating: No change. I have nothing more to say about Krypton Returns so let me say this instead: I woke up with my epitaph ringing in my head. This shall be on my tombstone, if I can afford one after I die a pauper:

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.