Vibe #9

Is this akin to sitting on the washing machine?

From issue one, I believed that Vibe's brother Dante was going to be Vibe's arch-villain. But instead, his brother Armando has turned out to be his rival. How could I have been so stupid? Of course it's the guy you least suspect that becomes the guy you expected the guy you most suspected to become! It's how the biggest, lamest, most Hollywood bullshit twists happen every year! Although this twist isn't as horrible and cliche (without the accent because I'm too lazy to add one and it doesn't actually matter anyway because that's an accepted version that doesn't change the meaning of the word in the way that if you left the tilde off of año) as I've just now made it out to sound. It's just a thing that happened that surprised Vibe and worked well in the context of the story (especially with all that "Dante is obviously the bad brother" legerdemain going on) and has now given Vibe something to fight for! Besides saving the world and helping Gypsy and making a few bucks as a member of the Justice League of America, I mean.

Currently Vibe is in Piradell where Mordeth, Gypsy's father also known as Breacher, took him so that he can save everything. Or omnithing if you're a jackass Scott Lobdell character. Which Vibe isn't so I don't know why I even mentioned it. Probably because Scott Lobdell is my arch-villain! Unless I'm his? It's hard to know if you're the good guy or the bad guy in any given story because life is complicated and gray and messy. Mordeth has this problem, see? His world was once the most peaceful and cliche and happy place in all of existence! Nobody ever got hemorrhoids. Nobody ever had diarrhea. Impotence never reared its ugly head, so to speak. And the female orgasm was by no means a mystery to anybody. In short, it was paradise. But then an American (Armando!) landed on its golden shores and the party was over for everyone forever.

Vibe has now joined Mordeth's resistance force to overthrow Rupture and Mordeth's cuckolding wife and save everybody from everything forever.

I've read enough Stephen King to know that Price is from Maine.

Mordeth's resistance force (which Vibe has renamed "Justice League Sort Of" because America is awesome) saves a couple of kids named Hopper and Corr. The members of the Resistance are Vibe, Sniper Pirate, Little Dickhead, and Perfect Posture Lass. I don't know. Do you think Sniper Pirate should be Sni-pirate? I think both names have potential. Although neither of them have quite the ring that "cunt punching pumpkin fucker" has. I wish I could take credit for that curse but it's just one of many that April Winchell's fans put together for SailorTrouble. I do not offer links because fuck you, you know how to use the internets! Besides, if you're reading this little piece of shit blog, you obviously know April Winchell and Regretsy and all that shit. And you obviously know her father since he voiced the greatest cartoon villain of all time ever, Dick Dastardly.

After saving the little kids, Vibe decides to loudly and explicitly state the plans of the Resistance because the little girl and her doll couldn't be working with fucking Rupture now, could they?

Never trust anybody in comics carrying a doll. Unless that doll is named Cheeks the Toy Wonder.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn spends some quality time with Dante as he heals up in the hospital. Cisco has now been missing for two weeks and nobody knows what dimension he belly-flopped into. Hopefully Dante's nanocites are working on giving him super powers so he can be a gigantic pain in the ass to Waller's A.R.G.U.S.

And back on Piradell, Mordeth has been sucking all of the Earth juice out of Gypsy so that she can open a portal back to Earth. She wants to take over Earth because it is "the cornerstone of the multiverse." Of course it is! What place in the universe would work better? Why else do alien races and UFOs visit are planet constantly, mutilating our livestock and anally probing the mentally ill? It's because Earth is the most important place ever! And America is the most important country on the most important planet in the most important solar system in the most important galaxy in the most important universe in the most important time across all the vastness of infinite time and space. Why else would Jesus have chosen us?

Rupture tries to think about his brother but Mordeth forbids it by stuffing his head full of lightning. She knows the memory erasing, head clearing benefits of shock therapy better than most.

Breacher's resistance think they have more time but they didn't get the memo that this comic won't be making it past issue ten, so things begin going downhill really fast.

Rupture's speech bubbles aren't outlined in red! That means he has his own mind back! Right? No?

No matter how I come across in this blog, I'm actually a pretty calm, rational, sweet, likable person that doesn't have any issues with anybody. But I'm really, really, really beginning to hate Blair Herter and Tiffany Smith.

As the shit keeps picking up steam, Vibe learns that the technology Breacher implanted into Vibe's chest to keep him stable has a second use: it's a bomb! Breacher turns it on and drops Vibe onto Mordeth's palace to destroy her ability to access Earth and to save Omnithing! I mean everything! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! I can't stop saying "omni" now!

And back on Earth, Amanda Waller visits Dante in his hospital room because she needs a new agent named Purgatorio! And he's infested with just the right nanocites to get the job done!

Justice League of America's Vibe #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if the "Betrayed by Gypsy" cover was meant for a storyline that was interrupted by the comic book's cancellation? We've seen it time and again how the covers really begin to veer off course from the story inside as a book nears its end date (the first time I experienced this was in Blackhawks). I imagine a lot of story needs to be changed once the writer knows the comic needs to be wrapped up in a few months. But that's okay because I'm glad I don't have to see Gypsy turned into a bad guy for the sake of plot twists although, I'm sure, she would have been just as mind-controlled as Armando.

Vibe #7

"When you're running down the hall and your balls hit the wall, it's called Rupture! When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, it's a Rupture!" Wait a second. Who slides into first? What was wrong with that kid?

Rereading the entry to Vibe #6, I noticed that Spell Check didn't like "anilingus" so I clicked on it to see its spelling recommendation. Spell Check recommended "cunnilingus." Oh, Spell Check. You're so vanilla.

Hmm. If cunnilingus is vanilla and anilingus is chocolate, would that make cunnilingus during menses strawberry?

This might not have been the best way to begin my Vibe commentary!

Last issue, Vibe discovered that a villain named Rupture was responsible for driving Gypsy and her family from her homeworld. He also discovered that Rupture was his brother Armando who disappeared in a Boom Tube five years ago. He was the first victim of Darkseid's invasion. Now he's the strong right arm of some horrible dictator that has conquered Gypsy's home.

This is the first panel on the second and third pages (spanning them both) and I love it. Although it's effect is much better in real size.

I love ARGUS agents trying to contain the gigantic robot thing in the background amidst the explosions and chaos while Rupture stares at his brother, confused and unsure. Gypsy behind Vibe ready to bolt. And Vibe ready to defend Gypsy and hug the fuck out of his brother, whichever seems most appropriate in a minute or so.

Rupture's need to catch Gypsy for his master, Mordeth, overpowers his love for his brother because hugging doesn't sell comic books, Goddammit! Unless you're one of those Independent Writers! And then isolation and ostracization and not fitting in sell better than hugs in those stories anyway! Excuse me while I go reread Ghost World and Box Office Poison and Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth, and all those other comic books that seemingly never wind up portraying physical violence for some reason. I guess they don't like selling comic books!

I'm going to start a new web comic where Vibe uses his powers to open a portal where he winds up in the Tomb Raider video game. It will be a romantic comic and I'm going to call it "Vibe Raider." It'll mostly be long, protracted sex scenes of Vibe using his powers to please Lara Croft.

The fight between Vibe and his brother lasts exactly one panel. Although that one panel is two pages! So that's exciting! I think. I just don't feel as overwhelmed as I think I'm supposed to feel.

It's Phantasm from Team Titans! I know I already pointed him out last issue. Fuck you. I'm excited!

Didn't Phantasm turn out to be an already established DC Character using his or her powers to simply float a mask and rags around? I'm fairly certain it was something like that. I want to say it was Jericho but he didn't have those kinds of powers. I wish my memory worked better!

Vibe gets his head straight after being thrown across The Circus only to realize Gypsy and Dante are gone. He also notices that his vibe energies and Rupture's rupture energies have begun to commingle to create a portal to another world. That other world apparently has dragons in it. Because one comes through the portal. Fucking dragons. They're more curious than ferrets. Although ferrets just seem to want to answer the mysteries of the universe in their explorations while dragons are simply looking for more treasure they don't need. I suppose a dragon's treasure hoard is like a bowerbird's nest. It's all about attracting a mate rather than any kind of dragon economic system based on how much of other people's money a dragon can own.

Meanwhile Agent Gunn is busy creating super villains.

Just like I said! Injection with nano-particles. Just a matter of time before they turn him into Purgatorio! I mean, Inferno!

As Agent Gunn tries to get Dante to safety, he's suddenly attacked by a twenty foot tall Parademon. Is this Omni, Darkseid's daughter? I don't know why I thought Darkseid's daughter was going to be a smoking hot babe in a thong and pasties. I am disappoint.

On the next page, Agent Gunn shoots the parademon in the face and kills it. So there's still hope! Being a Master Comic Book Reader and all that, I probably should have realized that Darkseid's Daughter isn't going to be revealed in the middle of an issue. She'll have the presence of mind to only make her appearance in a last page splash.

Gunn loads up Dante into the Dog Soldier Suit and programs it to take him to the nearest hospital. Even though The Circus is in full lockdown and nobody can leave. Gunn points out that Dante is a nobody so he can leave. That's the dumbest bit of semantic nonsense to get Dante out of the comic book that I've ever seen! I don't know what Sterling Gates diet consists of to give him that kind of nerve! Now I need to discover his secret dietary powers so I can become a great writer of bullshit plot contrivances!

Not that I really care! Dante needs to get sent out of this current issue. I really can't follow the plot with three brothers interacting! Two at a time is about all I can handle. Plus with all of these side characters running around like Gunn and Gypsy! Hmm. That's kind of sad that my limit of characters I can follow in a comic book without losing my mind is four.

Although if Phantasm gets some lines, I'll try to manage five characters at once!

Eventually Vibe catches up with Rupture.

I hope this doesn't mean Dante can't be a super villain too. I suppose he'd be okay as Vibe's shitty sidekick.

While Vibe and Rupture do some family counseling, the rest of the ARGUS installation has turned into the final act of Cabin in the Woods. Breachers are tearing the place apart and Gunn is about to find out what it's like to be a feeder mouse. Lucky for Gunn, his superior is Amanda Waller and she's not just an administrative asshole in The New 52. She blows the Snake Lord of Quonos's face off with a gun that's about the same size as she is. Carried in one arm. Although I have a feeling the Preboot Amanda Waller could have taken care of the snake as well just by giving it one of her "you going to try my patience?" stares.

Back to family therapy, Vibe continues to talk out his problems while Rupture puts his sickle through Vibe's chest. I'm not an expert but I'm sure one of those approaches should bring these two together. I would have preferred the use of puppets though. But Mordeth's hold over Rupture is too strong and he grabs Gypsy to bring her home. Since she turns out to be Mordeth's daughter.

Dammit! Does that mean Amanda Waller knows what she's doing? Is this prison actually a good place? Are they really containing actual threats to humanity in The Circus? Or did she just get lucky with this one? Of course keeping the daughter of some psycho war-mongering dictator on Earth probably isn't the best way to keep the world safe.

Rupture drags Vibe along with him to help break through the dimensional wall as he drags Gypsy home. The power burst from their leaving kills the electrical grid in ARGUS, allowing Omega, Darkseid's daughter, to escape. But she still hasn't been shown because capturing her will have to wait until Vibe comes back triumphant from Gypsy's homeworld.

Vibe #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book although I hope the title will change soon from "Justice League of America's Vibe" to "Vibe and Friends" when he gains a retinue of Breachers like Gypsy and Phantasm and that Scissorman.

Vibe #6

What the fuck is Vibe's worst nightmare? Anilingus?

Last issue, Vibe ended up in a prison cell in ARGUS's Circus with Gypsy in a cell across the way. Pariah is also in one of these cells because he probably came by to warn everybody about some big jerk called The New 52 Anti-Monitor but Amanda Waller and her goons threw him in his prison tube before he could get the message across. Or maybe he arrived to alert everyone to Darkseid's invasion? I wonder if Harbinger is imprisoned here as well?

Agent Gunn is pissed off at Amanda Waller because she's micro-managing his work in The Circus.

Gunn's husband telling Gunn to act like a punk-ass bitch.

If I were Gunn, I'd tell Waller to fuck off. But then I've never quit a job with a back-up job already in place. When something about a job bothered me, I quit. I once quit a job because my feelings were hurt when they printed up the catalog for the company and they listed everybody's name but mine. Instead of my name, they printed, "The Warehouse Staff." The Warehouse Staff was me, motherfuckers. Just me! My fucking name is shorter than "The Warehouse Staff", you stupid fucking jerks! It was a company that made leather bags and it was owned by a husband and wife team. On the plus side, when I told the husband I quit, he seemed genuinely moved and sorry about the mistake. But it was time to move on anyway. That was less of a reason to quit than the time my manager cried during one of my quarterly reviews. Big surprise, I didn't get the raise because I wasn't trying to be her friend. I suppose I could have gone to Human Resources with that one but since that was my manager's sister's job, I figured I'd be better off just leaving that sinking ship.

If you hadn't noticed, I'm the kind of worker that corporations hate. It's a good thing I have my own business now because who the fuck would want me? The hardest part of my job now is keeping myself from quitting.

Back to the comic book (I know, I know! I'm way more interesting than Vibe! But you're not the only one who reads this blog, Mom! People want to hear me make dick jokes about Vibe!), Dante busts in through Gunn's front window to lay down the law. He's going to help him break Vibe out of The Circus or else he's going to Tumbl everything he knows about ARGUS and tag it "social justice." That shit will have 100,000 Notes in no time!

Speaking of dick jokes, Amanda Waller has a stupid bourgeois thing or two to say to Gypsy.

If someone runs from people that claim to be in authority, it doesn't always fucking mean they have something to hide. Sometimes it means those people in authority are violent, bigoted, overzealous, power hungry dildos. Oh, I didn't actually have a dick joke. I just meant Amanda Waller was a dick and what she had to say was a joke.

I'm curious if that Scissorman in the Circus Tube in the background is from Doom Patrol. I mean, fuck, where else would he be from? I think they were from that weird dimension where everybody spoke in random strings of words.

Later Gunn appears at ARGUS dragging along a humanoid hyena in armor speaking the language of the aliens who ate Sunboy in the Legion of Super-heroes. I wasn't able to decipher that language because every time the aliens spoke, they seemed to use over 26 symbols meaning they were just regurgitating the alphabet and maybe some numbers or punctuation. This hyena guy (which is probably, somehow, Dante in Dog Drag) is speaking shorter words but the font is so small and crazy that I'm not even going to bother straining my eyes trying to read it.

But then on the next page, Dog-Dante gives me what must be an "I" in the alien language and I decide to give it a very, very slight go at deciphering.

And that's when I realize this is The Trench Language which had some translations given in Aquaman. So there is hope! Although the font is still crazy hard to read.

This will probably get a little boring as I walk through my process for solving cryptograms. Cryptograms with pictures help to clue you in to the context of the quote. This looks like it begins with "I" and then a four letter word. Since this is Dante and he's pissed, my first guess is that he's saying, "I hate" something. By looking at The Trench translation of "What are you?" from Aquaman #3, it looks like "I hate" is correct. The Trench font is less clear and more blotchy, as if it were written by a leaky fountain pen or a quill. But I'm fairly certain Dog-Dante is saying, "I hate you all." The font is very difficult to see unless I scan it and enlarge it, I'm just not even going to be bothered to translate the first couple of speech bubbles by Dog-Dante earlier. Maybe if Sterling Gates pokes his head around these parts, he'll be so impressed by my translation of this one bubble that he'll give us the others for free!

Except I'm a stubborn bastard so one more scan to try before I continue. Don't worry, I won't write about this process! If I give up, I'll just continue with my normally scheduled commentary in the next paragraph.

Dante is allowed to remove the Dog-Soldier Armor before entering The Zoo so the reader can finally understand him and then he begins speaking Spanish. You know what? Spanish is harder to translate than Trench speak! Although if he were saying "mal niño" I'd know what he was saying because that and "hace frio" and "hace calor" are pretty much all the Spanish my grandmother used around me. Mostly just "mal niño" though. That means "You're a great kid of exceptional quality." Although I don't know why she thought beating me with a wooden spoon while praising me was a good idea.

Dante manages to break Vibe free while I was distracted by nostalgia. But that's about the only part of the plan that works out for them.

Whoops!

Now ARGUS can take Dante away and heal him with some kind of nanobotistry which will give him super powers. Waller will tell Vibe that his brother died. And then Dante will become Purgatorio Inferno who will be a tool of ARGUS and end up becoming Vibe's nemesis. Or maybe he'll escape from ARGUS and Vibe will have to battle him every time he comes back to kill Waller or destroy ARGUS's Circus.

ARGUS Mecha-men attempt to subdue Vibe but he has this power which allows him to break glass with hardly any effort at all! So he shakes a little of that shit around the Circus and things suddenly begin to feel like Arkham on every day of the week ending in Ednesday!

Ladies and Gentleman, your 2013 Circus Escapees! Sergeant Horned Rogue! Pariah! Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast! And Transgendermensional! Unless that last one is Warp. It could be Warp!

The only other characters I recognize on the next page are Phantasm from Team Titans and Lady Quark from any comic that I found dull and boring. And the three demon brothers might not be Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast. But this could be what happened to them after they failed to help Felix Faust take over The Black Room.

Oh yeah. It's one of Morrison's Doom Patrol Scissormen.

During the chaos, Vibe begins to break down again. Oh right. How often is he going to pull this stunt now that he knows Gypsy will kiss him to get his concentration back? I'm not buying it. Stop fucking around and trying to get your smooch on and help your dying brother escape this place, you horndog!

Well, he is only like seventeen or something. I'd probably be spending every waking second trying to figure out how to get Gypsy to touch me again too.

Vibe's freakout causes the barriers between dimensions to grow weak and then a villain with possibly the most squirm inducing name I could have come up with breaches the barrier: RUPTURE! I don't live in fear of much but every time I move anything heavier than a sandwich, I imagine I'm going to get a hernia. I hate the human body and all of its frailties. My top three body malfunctions would have to be rectal prolapse, hernia, and biting the inside of my cheek.

Here comes Rupture tearing through dimensional walls allowing himself and the intestines of his homeworld to slither on into Earth Prime! Gypsy refers to him as "The Hound of Mordeth" so I suppose Mordeth is the bad guy that put Gypsy's people on the run. That may have already been information that the reader knew but I'm not one of those people that can remember everything! Or anything, most of the time. I once took the test to get on Jeopardy when Alex Trebek came to San Francisco mostly because my mom encouraged me and, well, why the fuck not try out? But even if I know the answers to questions, I really need a format that lets the contestant buzz in and go, "Okay! Yeah, I know this one. It's...let me see...shit, it's right on the tip of my tongue! I know it has to do with that guy who did that thing and the name of his dog was the name of the wife of the guy who traveled to that place back in the thirties...oh! It's so close!" Also, I'd probably have to walk over and slap Alex Trebek when he corrected my pronunciation of every fucking French word that would come out of my mouth.

Amanda Waller believes that Rupture has come for Omega, so she sends all of her soldiers to guard the Omega Room. So now all Vibe has to do is get past Rupture who Gypsy has assured him has killed thousands of people with his bared teeth. But then Rupture recognizes Vibe because like I've been saying, "DOMINO MASKS DON'T HIDE IDENTITIES!" Sheesh.

Breacher #1 meet Breacher #2! Also, notice Dante is going to become Inferno. I'd still prefer Purgatorio.

Vibe #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm still not sure why the cover said his only hope is his worst nightmare. Dante was his only hope, so Dante is his worst nightmare? Or is Rupture his only hope which is also his (and my!) worst nightmare? I don't fucking get the cover copy! Somebody needs to explain it to me. Slowly and clearly! I'm obviously an idiot.

Vibe #5

This has the potential to be the best issue of Suicide Squad yet.

It only took five issues before Amanda Waller lost all control of Vibe and had to send the Suicide Squad after him. She is one impatient asshole. Too bad the Squad doesn't have an additional member like Air Wave or Shockwave or Tidal Wave so there might be some tension from the possibility of a member dying. But if it's just King Shark and Deadshot and Harley Quinn, nobody is going to die. Except maybe Agent Gunn's husband! He seems pretty dispensable after the big ring controversy from last issue.

Vibe is currently trying to save Gypsy from being taken by ARGUS. He's seen enough of ARGUS and their secretive ways to know they're not telling him the whole truth about the Breachers. Plus he had that half of a message delivered to him by the first Breacher that seemed to be pretty important if a bit mysterious being that it was half of a message. Plus Gypsy is really pretty, so you have to believe the pretty girl is innocent and the soldiers with the guns and the violence are not very innocent at all.

To make sure ARGUS can't trace him and Gypsy as they light out for the territories (the territories being a secret place where Vibe is going to meet up with his brother Dante), he destroys any piece of ARGUS technology he has on him.

Rules Violation! Vibe should be blurry and indistinct in the video feed!

Gypsy explains to Vibe that her wicked stepmother kicked her out of the caravan for making a bad trade. So her tribe left without her but her father has been sending messages to her every time the tribe entered a new dimension. So Vibe believes he can find Gypsy a portal back to her family.

Vibe fiddles with his Vibration Vision and realizes he can see Interdimensional Portals all over the city. But he's laid low from the pain caused by using this power and Gypsy can think of only one way to distract him so he can stop focusing on his powers.

Vibe the Living Sex Toy!

And then the Suicide Squad attacks! Goddamn cock blockers.

The best part about their appearance is that a guy named Crowbar is hanging out with them! Yay! Crowbar is going to get his ass killed! I know Vibe won't kill him and I'm pretty sure Gypsy won't either. I bet Deadshot kills him. Gypsy will disguise herself to look like Crowbar and Deadshot will put a bullet in the real Crowbar's brain! And then that'll mean Sterling Gates killed just as many members of the Suicide Squad as Adam Glass did!

But first the Suicide Squad has to actually do their job well! Deadshot shoots Gypsy in the shoulder which causes her to say 'fiddle sticks' in Runespeak and which puts King Shark into a blood frenzy. As he's about to eat her, Vibe fails to save her because he gets hit in the back of the head by Crowbar's crowbar.

Let's take a moment to discuss Crowbar. Is this guy a member of Sixpack's Section Eight? Who picks up a fucking crowbar and thinks, "Holy damn! I'm a fucking Super Villain!" Maybe the Crowbar is the one used to kill Jason Todd and it's gained a demonic sentience, imbuing the wielder with super strength, invulnerability, and bad one-liners.

Is his sister back home in Ethiopia?

Crowbar's crowbar (help me please don't make me say that anymore) absorbs Vibe's powers. It can apparently redirect the power as well but Crowbar just keeps building up more and more power. There's a huge blast of power from the feedback and Crowbar disappears. His crowbar doesn't though. He's probably not dead though. I'm sure he was just blasted into another dimension. But is he an interesting enough character to rescue from that dimension? Probably not. So he's dead. Or maybe he's now the sentient presence in the crowbar! Because his name is Crowbar and now he's actually a crowbar! That's probably the way that went down.

The feedback also knocked Vibe silly and Deadshot knocks him unconscious with one more punch. Now they just have to find Gypsy since she was knocked free from King Shark's grip in Crowbar's power release.

Nobody would have let King Shark carry a deliciously edible person anyway.

Vibe and Gypsy wake up back in The Zoo. Agent Gunn isn't happy about it. Dante knows his brother is in trouble because he never arrived at their rendezvous. And Agent Gunn gets a dressing down from Waller. Amanda's next big project is to find a replacement on the Justice League of America for Vibe. If that happens, they'll have to change the title of this comic book from Justice League of America's Vibe to Now Nobody Has a Reason To Keep Reading Vibe.

Vibe #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. That ranking was actually for the Suicide Squad. How come they work so well as a team when they're in somebody else's comic book? That's the opposite of what usually happens. Maybe because they're bad guys, they have to fail and suck in their own books but they're allowed to defeat the protagonist of other titles since heroes always have to rise up after being defeated to truly be heroic. So the Squad served their purpose and moved on. And a Suicide Squad member died! Sure, he was some nobody named Crowbar using a magic crowbar imbued with the demonic energy of the murder of Jason Todd. But that's probably why he was killed. Because the Magic Crowbar is the important half of that villain team.