Robin, Son of Batman #13

The Review!
Ray Fawkes finally convinces me that he's capable of writing Damian well. He may have done it an issue or two but I'm only now publicly acknowledging the fact. He had a lot of help from my crush on Maya. Without that, I might not have cared enough to finish reading this series. That's a lie. I would have finished reading this series whether I cared about it or not. Having horribly inappropriate feelings for an underaged fictional character just helped! The important word in that last sentence was "fictional". Now I'm wondering if Nabokov wrote Lolita so he could look at every man who ever read it and think, "You probably got aroused reading that, didn't you? You pervert!" It is a pretty awesome accomplishment to write something that should so horribly offend the social and cultural norms of the reader but still allows them to get all hot and heavy about the sexy bits. They're just as disgusting as the protagonist of the novel! Whose name I can't remember because his name wasn't used as the title! I would also like to say that I totally didn't find any bits of Lolita sexy. Maybe my penis did. But my mind was all, "Ew! Who would want a relationship with a young girl?! I can't even imagine having a relationship with somebody in their twenties at this point in my life! And I'm not even sure I could deal with somebody in their thirties! To me, they're all just unwashed twelve-year olds playing Dungeons and Dragons around their parents' kitchen table! No matter how hot they might look!" Also, A+ or 8 out of 10 or 77% or whatever rating you want to choose for this issue. What do you care if I liked it?! Formulate your own opinions!

The Commentary!
Damian has decided that to truly atone for his wickedness and bad behavior, he's going to rehabilitate Naimad! Err, Suren! Suren is currently the physical manifestation of Damian's bad attitude. Maya probably totally thinks he's hot. Except she's way older than him, by like two years or something. That might not seem like a lot but it's vast when you're eleven and thirteen. Or ten and twelve. Or thirteen and fifteen (although maybe not so much there). I really don't know how old any of these kids are!

Maya is super cute so if I write anything disgusting involving her and my seedy desires, just remember that it isn't my old, perverse man desires talking! It's the naive, innocent longing that still lives in my head which allows me to remember being that age! Boy, the things I would do to Maya if I were her age again! I'd sit and stare at her creepily! I'd avoid eye contact! I'd develop several different spontaneous speech impediments if I were somehow forced into a situation where we had to speak! I'd write down the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" on a sheet of paper and think about giving it to her! After I was through with Maya, she'd never even know I existed!

Oh Maya! You're so dreamy!

Sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to know if I wanted to be with a girl (in an innocent, I have no idea what to do around a girl but my heart is dying kind of way) or if I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power to allure boys like me! For some reason, I associated that power to capture hearts as only one that girls had. But I'm sure there were just as many girls my age (probably more!) wishing they could also be the cute girl I was pining for. So it wasn't so much being a girl as being a cute girl! And that thought just made my mind think of doing a parody Robert Frost poem that I probably shouldn't type but will anyway.

Bitches By Grunion Frost

When I see hot bitches bend to left and right,
Across the lines of taller, uglier girls,
I like to think some boy's been doing it to them.
But doing it to them doesn't bend them down to stay
As text-books do. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with books a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They clique upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored
As the stares watch the wind lift their hemlines.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed fuzzy sweaters
Plopping and tumbling on the snowy bench--
Such heaps of frilly warmth abandoned
You'd think a passing Gap truck lost its merch.
They are dragged from class to class by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bored
So bad for so long, they never write themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the mall
Years afterwards, trailing their jackets on the ground
Like birches bent over by ice from an ice-storm, their limbs
Before them on the ground, leaves darkening in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the text-books
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to "fetch the cows"--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only porn was porn he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could jerk alone.
One by one he subdued his school's 'B's
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not propositioning too soon
And so not driving the girl away
Clear to her home. He always kept his poise
With the hot bitches, escalating carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he swung forward, lips first, with a swish,
Groping his way down through the clothes to the mound.
So was I once myself a doer of bitches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a loveless bang
Where your face burns and tickles with MDMA
Racing across it, and one eye is weeping (if you get my meaning)
From a "twig's" having jacked it off across the room.
I'd like to get away from maleness awhile
And then come back to it after being a hot bitch.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
To return me an ugly girl. Hot bitches are right for love:
I don't know who it's like to go better with.
I'd like to go by climbing a bitch
And climb black limbs up a chocolate trunk
Toward heaven, till the girl could bear no more,
But doffed her top and got me off again.
That would be good both going and coming and coming and coming.
One could do worse than be a doer of bitches.

Just remember as you judge me that that was a playful parody of a poem I love very much! It never even occurred to me to turn "Birches" into "Bitches" or how it might be manipulated to, um, sort of work. Kind of. Not really but remember, it was playful! The only reason it sprang to mind was the line about some fate half granting the wish to leave and come back to Earth when I said I sometimes fantasized about being a girl but, of course, realized what I wanted was to be an adorable girl. I mean, who doesn't?! Anyway, you either forgive me for that playful bent or you don't. Either way, let's get back to Robin, Son of Batman!

While eating dessert, the kids are attacked by some Lu'un Darga Ninjas. They're a little bit angry that Suren fucked up the world ending ritual because they had already told all of the people they owe money to fuck off. Now imagine how embarrassed they are to have to deal with those people again, seeing as how the world didn't end! I'd be mad too.

The Ninjas drop down dead, killed by some energy draining power from one of Suren's still living relatives. He or she probably should have coordinated the attack with the ninjas so that the ninjas weren't accidentally killed. Maya is able to trace the energy drain to beneath the crater in Tunguska, Russia.

Even in the face of unspeakable evil, they're adorable!

Deep under Tunguska, Damian, Maya, Goliath, and Suren encounter Suren's father, Den Darga! That probably means this story is almost over! Suren is about to come to term with his Daddy Issues! That's always the ultimate story in any DC character's character arc. I think Marvel must deal with the Mommy Issues. Is that why DC begins with a "D" and Marvel begins with an "M"? Did I just crack the comic book equivalent of the Da Vinci Code?!

Den Darga is surprised to see his son alive while the world yet lives. But I'm glad they had this encounter so I can point out another great moment in Grandmaster Comic Book Readerdom!

As I said in the commentary on Issue #12: "His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn’t love him now, the little failure!"

Robin's great big plan to stop Den Darga is one of his dad's favorite plans: play the martyr! That always gets the girl! So Damian destroys Den Darga's Apocalyptic Battery of Souls but, in so doing, collapses from the strain. He's probably dead, right? Totally dead. It's not like Gotham and Gotham Girl could be bothered to save a fricking Robin.

Damian is only mostly dead and his spirit is able to reenter his body through the encouragement of his friends and the obliteration of Daddy Issues. I would scan the page where Robin cries (not letting his friends see his joy in being loved so well) but there's a really cute picture of Maya's butt on that page and I fear I might get creepy talking about it. I think it's okay to talk about it in this paragraph where you can't actually look at it. Also she's a fictional character and I'm going to believe she's thirty-eight years old. And you know what they say about thirty-eight year olds and their butts! Yeah, you know what. I don't either. I think maybe nobody says anything about that.

So, you know, that's it! The end! The kids win! Suren has defeated his father just like every child must if they're going to become an adult. I think that's why I'm still not much of an adult. I should probably get on solving all of those Daddy Issues and/or destroying my father.

I wanted to end with this picture saying, "So cute!" But the cynical, disgusting part of my brain keeps screaming, "Suren has a boner!"

Robin, Son of Batman #12

You know, it's been quite awhile since a hero was swallowed whole to explode out of the stomach of their attacker!

The Review!
Damian and his reflection battle with the entire world up for grabs. In the process, Damian learns that he's already learned everything that needs to be learned about family. He knows parents argue, pets are better than people, and cute girls in tattered dresses are the best kind of friends to have. He also remembers that he was once a terror, so maybe if he can take his evil reflection under his wing, he'll be able to teach him to not need his parents' approval too. Damian seems to have found a place where he can accept the relationship he has with his mother and father, and accept that they'll continue to argue and beat the shit out of each other on a fairly regular basis, and that none of that has anything to do with him or how much he loves each of them. He also realizes he can keep them both at arm's length because they're so annoying and he will probably go off on his own to form a team of kid superheroes.

The Commentary!
Last issue, everybody was headed to Dinosaur Island. That's the island that has dinosaurs where Superboy and Wonder Girl engaged in some really awkward flirting. Unless I mean disgusting when I say awkward. If you don't remember it, let me remind you in an inexact but probably close to the truth reenactment.

Superboy: (punching Wonder Girl in the face) "You're so cute!"
Wonder Girl: (kicking Superboy in the balls) "I hate you but I'm so wet!"
Superboy: (choking Wonder Girl) "If I didn't dislike you so much I would totally do it with you!"
Wonder Girl: (knocking out Superboy's teeth) "I would never do you in a million years even though I totally want to because you're so hot!"
Superboy: (orgasming in his pants) "I'm tired of fighting now, you whore!"
Wonder Girl: (not quite reaching orgasm) "You're such a typical guy, you bastard!"

Now that's how you force a romantic subplot into existence!

I don't think there will be a romantic subplot this time around on Dinosaur Island. Damian and Maya should just remain friends and Batman and Talia will totally remain enemies. So unless Titus has hitched a ride and winds up humping somebody's leg, this is probably going to be a violence only issue. Darn! I always like sex and violence together! That's a better match than chocolate and peanut butter.

Naimad and Maya arrive on Dinosaur Island first. But that was six hours ago and they're early because the ritual to end the world doesn't begin until midnight. That gives Damian and his family plenty of time to get to the island and the "NOW" narration box.

See? Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Maya has been turned into a booty trap. I know it's booby trap but she doesn't have any boobies yet. Batman remains behind to disarm her while Damian and Talia rush off to stop Naimad from doing whatever he has to do to end the world.

The ritual takes place at the bottom of a volcano. That's because there's some kind of Lazarus Well inside the volcano that reaches to the center of the Earth and keeps the dinosaurs on dinosaur island from dying. But apparently if you throw a goofy eyeball into it, it will erupt and destroy all life on Earth. Who built that feature into the Lazarus Well? That just sounds like trouble. And now it is because Damian fails to stop the ritual. Hopefully there's a second part of the ritual that can still be stopped or else this disaster might be the reason the DC You needed a Rebirth.

There doesn't seem to be any more to the ritual but there's still enough time left for Naimad to stop it if Damian can convince him that his father doesn't love him because he waited so long to bring Naimad back from the dead. Although how would Naimad know how much time had passed since he died? Wouldn't it just seem like he woke up from a short nap?

It's probably a good thing he didn't add "My father resurrected me almost immediately!"

Naimad has no confidence in his plan and is easily talked out of it at the last minute by Damian. His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn't love him now, the little failure! After Naimad believes he's made a friend in Damian, Damian punches him in the face and knocks him out. I don't know if the rational side was from his dad or the punching side was! Maybe both parts were a little bit Talia and a little bit Bruce.

Speaking of Bruce and Talia, they have a nice bitter ex argument after the day is saved which drives Damian into the arms of a monster. Oh, and Goliath too!

Talia plans to keep Naimad for her own nefarious al Ghul purposes but Damian has other plans. Those plans are breaking him free and teaching him to be his sidekick. Those plans will also take place in the final issue next month.

Robin, Son of Batman #11

Why is Robin's doublet covered in semen?

The Review!
Tom Napolitano just nails the lettering in this issue. Every "A" looks like an "A"! And his "C"s look totally like "C"s! Not once did he make an "L" and an "I" run together so that they look like a "U"! He did his job so well that not once did I think that somebody was responsible for the lettering! His word balloon placements were par excellence! At one point, he even managed to use lowercase letters! I fucking thought that was impossible in a DC Comic! My mind was fucking blown! If you're into lettering as much as I am not, you will love his use of letters. They're just all over the place! It made me think, "You know? Without letters, how would the story be told?! What an important job Tom has!" Then I realized there's probably a sexual fetish where people become aroused when they see certain letters and I began to wonder if Tom would work in the porn industry. Then I searched the NSFW tag on Tumblr. Then I had a nap. This was an entertaining issue well lettered! Kudos, Tom!

The Commentary!
I'm angry that I have the John Romita Jr. cover for this issue because the regular cover has a gorilla and a pun on it and that pun is not "Gorilla Warfare"! It's "Gorilla in the Midst". Ha ha! So good. Although it also brings to mind the death of Dian Fossey so maybe it isn't the funniest pun. Perhaps DC should have just gone with Gorilla Warfare.

Last issue ended with Damian off to Gorilla City. Is Gorilla City still something fans find exciting? That seems like something that should have been left to the Silver Age when kids were still fascinated by talking Gorillas. Now that science has taught at least one of them to use sign language, the world has discovered how boring and kitten obsessed they are. They're just like us! How about if Gorilla City were invaded and destroyed by a bunch of Magic the Gathering playing nerds who masturbate to their Chandra Nalaar cards? Now that would be a scary and mysterious city. It would also be full of boring arguments about rules by people who think they're consistently logical but are almost always simply interpreting rules to favor their style of gameplay. God how I don't miss playing Magic the Gathering with strangers. Especially the assholes who would play all of their cards super fast so that if they played a card you weren't familiar with, they might be able to get past your hand full of counterspells. I suppose that's my fault for never finding the time to memorize every fucking card and what that fucking card does. Fucking Feldon's Cane. Piece of shit asshole should have lost if I'd known what that card did but the fucker was already shuffling his graveyard into his hand and by then I didn't want to have to punch him in the face in the argument that would ensue if I declared I countered it. Dick.

You know what? I'm going to say it! All Magic the Gathering players are dicks. They're fucking piece of shit monsters who should not be allowed out in public! Win at all costs nerds are my bane! No, they're my Bane! They may not have broken my back but they definitely broke my spirit. I'm a white male and they drove me away from their tournaments and their collector's shops backroom gaming tables! Christ they're assholes.

I suppose I could chalk up most of my bad experiences playing Magic to my own ignorance. Like when a player cast Winter Blast, a sorcery, as an instant to tap and kill my flying creatures that were about to attack on my turn to win the game. I only had one card left in my deck at that point so I was sure to lose. Except my final card was Ball Lightning which was able to attack the same turn it was summoned and trampled all over his cheating fucking ass! Once again though, I should have memorized every fucking card and I wouldn't have been manipulated like that! This was back when The Dark had just come out, so there weren't nearly as many cards to memorize. But this was also in the early days of the internet so even finding out about all the Legends and Antiquities and Arabian Nights cards that were out there was a bit of a chore. Which explains why I'm being so sarcastic about having to memorize every card, and yet not being sarcastic in that it's the only way to make sure your fucking asshole opponent doesn't take advantage of you.

I shouldn't act as if Magic the Gathering and its players are the problem. The problem is playing against strangers. Also the problem is assholes. Also the problem is asshole strangers who love to play Magic the Gathering.

I know, I know. I know what you're all thinking: #notallMagicplayers. But in this case, yes, yes indeed. All Magic players. Every last one of the stinking twats. And probably all the Yu-Gi-Oh players too!

That gorilla really hates it when somebody touches his weapon!

Robin has gone to Gorilla City to stop the Lu'un Darga from destroying the world. But he's trying to stop them from doing exactly what he was doing during the Year of Retribution. I'm not sure if Ray Fawkes completely understood the story he was taking over.

But isn't that exactly what you were doing during your Year of Retribution? Undoing your Year of Blood work? And, I might add, helping the Lu'un Darga while doing it! I guess once Damian's brothers were killed, he realized undoing the Year of Blood was ultimately a bad thing?

Also in the raid on Gorilla City? Talia and Nobody's Daughter!

Worst human in the world? Talia plays Magic?!

Damian, son of Batman and Talia al Ghul, discovers that his enemy is Bad Son, Son of Lu'un Darga and Mrs. Lu'un Darga. I wonder if the Bad Son's real name is Naimad! It would help make the point so ridiculously unsubtle that it ceases to be annoying for how unsubtle the whole "Damian versus a version of himself he could have become" plot is. I suppose Batman has had about five gamillion of these types of stories, so Damian needs a few too.

I don't know if this scene is supposed to show that Naimad is less witty than a high-schooler who thinks constantly quoting Oscar Wilde is the height of wit, or it's merely Ray Fawkes who has been exposed.

I already forgot that Naimad had mentioned his name was Suren earlier. I'll probably just keep referring to him as Naimad.

As Damian bickers with his new little playmate, Bruce arrives to send somebody into a timeout. A Bat-timeout!

I think Damian's dialogue should read "Faaaaaaaatheeeeeeer...!"

I suppose since this is the first time Damian has seen his dad since he became Batman again, he's toning down the whining and just trying to be happy to see him. Although Batman is still interrupting Damian's big day.

Naimad completes his task which means his family will soon be resurrected and the world will end. He disappears but not before Maya can hop on his back and go with him. Damian witnesses his mother and father getting along (a bit) and has sitcom dreams of his parents getting back together. As if Alfred would allow Talia to live under his roof.

Naimad has one last Year of Blood item to replace before Damian's Year of Retribution can be complete. Although by completing it, the world will end, so Damian needs to kind of stop it from happening. Even though he did most of the work himself. The last item to be replaced is something from Dinosaur Island!

Gorilla City? Dinosaur Island? Ray Fawkes does know he's writing modern comic books, right?

Robin, Son of Batman #10

Having wings that are an extra set of limbs is just weird. It's insectile!

Rating: Unchanged at 8 of 51 DC Comics. That means it's a decent way to spend a few minutes of your finite life. You know, if you're not busy doing something important like curing cancer or perfecting a Super Mario Speed Run.

• Does Batman disapprove of bullet points? Does he call them Bat-Dots? He probably shapes them like little bats, doesn't he?

• Robin has been trying to prove that he's not a disappointment. You know the kinds of people who worry about being disappointments? People with demanding father figures! I may or may not be a disappointment. Don't know. Don't care!

• The Robin of the title is Damian Wayne (just to clarify in case a Marvel Comics fan wandered in to this blog on accident. Although why the fuck am I clarifying that when, if they didn't know it, they're only going to have a boatload of butts more questions about it! Like "Who the fuck is Damian Wayne?" And "People actually like the Robin character?" And "What is the phone number I call to get this kid killed?"). Some people like Damian Wayne and other people don't like Damian Wayne. There are tons of other options but why should I list them all?

• Don't you hate when people say they're the kind of person that people either love or hate? They're so right! I hate them all.

• Robin has a new little friend named Maya. I think. Her non-secret identity is Nobody. She's a little cutie pat-her-booty. Is that how the saying goes? I'm also just going to assume that she's of the appropriate age to think of as a sexual being, depending, logically, what country she's in. I'm also reminding myself that she's fictional so she actually is an object and I don't have to worry about treating her like a real person. In other words, Nobody is a sex object. Powerful!

• Damian has returned to Gotham to hang out with his pets while the Son of Lu'un Darga has been resurrected by Damian's efforts to fix the things he broke during the Year of Blood. This is a common theme in comic books. The villain always has to be some kind of twisted reflection of the hero. Although, as of yet, I'm not sure which son is the hero in this story.

• I'm fairly certain Machiavelli came up with this quote while playing chess with a seven year old.

• People who are oft quoted aren't necessarily the geniuses the people quoting them think they are. They're just people who have been so oft quoted that other people think they should read the things those people wrote and then quote them to seem intelligent. If I were quoted more often, I'd totally be quoted more often! Somebody should quote me on that.

• The title of this issue is "Son is Rising." This marks the 18,000th time that that pun has been used as a title in a comic book. Probably. I'll fact check that later.

• Why did co-creator of Batman Bill Finger go by the name Bill? Do you think he introduced himself to single ladies as "Will Finger"?

• I sometimes wish I were female simply so I could wear this exact outfit. I would probably spontaneously orgasm from feeling so sexy. I mean, I suppose this outfit is just a sheet with a rope cinching the waist. I might be assuming that women feel sexy all of the time no matter what they're wearing because I've relegated them to being sex objects. I mean, the fictional ones, of course! Ha ha.

• I watched last night's Walking Dead today. There was a scene where Rosita is pulling up her pants and it shows her bare belly and upper pubic area. The scene begins with that shot and the viewer doesn't know it's Rosita. My first thought was "That's a really sexy shot of Carl putting on his jeans." Seriously. I thought it was Carl.

• Some people might not think I'm a feminist because I still joke about treating women like sex objects. On the other hand, I'm reading comic books which are 85% treating women as sex objects. So you just have to laugh about it! Remember that shot in Deathstroke of Rose's dead female friend? Remember how sexual it was? That's pretty much comic books. Even when they're corpses, women need to look fuckable.

• Damian has taken a trip to Bald Headed Mexican, Mexico. That's a reference to Leave it to Beaver.

• In the earlier seasons, Leave it to Beaver had more continuity problems than DC's New 52.

• Oh! I was supposed to be writing a bullet point about Robin in Mexico. He's gone there to save the world! Meanwhile, Maya's beach in Bronisia is being attacked by Jet-Skiing Ninjas.

• I guess Robin would have been upset if somebody else returned the thing he stole during the Year of Blood. It's his Year of Redemption! Not some artifact stealing thief's!

• Robin didn't know the kind of chaos he was causing by returning the items he stole during the Year of Blood. But now he seems to know that returning certain items will cause all kinds of chaos. Well, one specific kind of chaos which is the end of the world.

• Talia is the leader of the ninjas attacking Maya. Is it weird that I want Talia and Maya to kiss? I hope the next DC movie is Talia vs Maya. Then I know it's okay to want them to kiss because that's all I see people hoping for in Batman vs Superman.

• Talia's yacht is called the Hunky Dory. I don't think she has the sense of humor to own a yacht like that. There's a reason she fell in love with that sourpuss Batman.

• Talia, like Damian, is trying to stop the three artifacts stolen from Damian's vault from being returned to their rightful, world-ending places.

• Damian's thematic doppelganger (and quite possibly his literal doppelganger!) is headed to the next location: Gorilla City! Oh man! I hope next issue is called "Gorilla Warfare"!

Robin, Son of Batman #9

Don't worry, Talia. Just scrape his sperm out of the bat-condom he threw in the trash.

Rating: No change.

Damian finally gets around to seeing what his father's up to (pretending Batman doesn't exist so he can fuck Julie Madison and pretend he's happy). It's been a long time coming and I've been particularly looking forward to it. But since Duke had already done the thing that Damian was meant to do (tell Bruce to stop fucking Julie Madison because he's not really happy), I knew I would be surprised by whatever he did. And I guess I was. I mean, the surprising thing was that I didn't give a shit about Damian watching his father while he slept. No, the reunion I had really been hoping for happened at the end of the comic book! Damian finally getting around to visiting his pets! Lucky for Alfred, he's kept them all in good health.

I know you hate whimsy, DC (even if you think you don't and are still patting yourself on the back for publishing the mostly awful and not really very entertaining Bat-Mite and Bizarro books) but can't you make some room for some super pet stories again? Sure it's not cool or hip or epic or savage or fuddly-doo. Yet! See, that's your problem, DC! You're all about trying to keep up with the cool. Your shit is so off fleek you keep it in a music box with a little pink ballerina. You need to take some shit and make it the thing everybody wants to be! Stop pointing at Batgirl. You can't be happy about a change of character that you're constantly grousing about! You know you hate that books like Gotham Academy and Batgirl are popular because they're not fucking grimdark! Get with the times and embrace cute, you sock drawer!

You know what you need, DC? A monthly Tig the Vampire book where Tig is a somewhat immature eighteen year old immortal who loves cute shit and can't get laid no matter how horny she is. Maybe Maps could be a regular guest star because Tig the Vampire is totally into roleplaying and practicing kissing on her friends. Also she should express her love for a mysterious werefish named Grunion Guy who she totally wants to bang tons!

Robin, Son of Batman #8

Gotham pigeons are a color that only exists inside of your mind.

Rating: No change. Ray Fawkes tells a story that is similar to the stories which Patrick Gleason was telling but is somehow missing the heart of those stories. It's bland and centered less on character than on making a point. That point is something like Damian still has the potential to become the horrible person his mother trained him to be. But he's willing to accept that side of him and acknowledge it so that he can continually fight against it. Or something.

It's pretty much what Tomasi and Gleason have been saying in their stories without taking an issue to lube up the mallet and bash us about the head with it. I don't know why the mallet needed to be lubed up for that. Maybe it's what Ray plans on doing with the mallet after I'm unconscious from the bashing.

I don't generally dislike Damian because there's something about Robins I almost always hate and Damian doesn't have any of that. But now he has it and I'm starting to dislike him: the fucking sidekick haircut! Way to go, Alfred! I was going to defend you and point out that Damian is a disrespectful little cunt but then you went and cut his hair like that? You know what? Who cares? Damian deserves that haircut after that attitude on display. Hey Damian! You don't treat older people who care about you like they're annoying servants who can't help butting in instead of just doing their job. I mean, yes, Alfred is also that! But you can try to be fucking kind to him, right? He's basically your grandfather and I can't fucking stand when grandkids have a shitty attitude towards their grandparents who obviously love and care for them very much and would do everything in the world for them.

Don't get me wrong! If your grandparent is a racist, guilt-inducing, judgmental bastard, treat them like shit! But Alfred is not that. Usually. Don't judge him by Gotham standards.

Robin, Son of Batman #7

Damian is my hero.

Damian Wayne is my hero because he doesn't suffer bullshit gladly. I understand people of less than or average intelligence are desperate to claim niceness as a quality far more important than intelligence but it drives me nuts. Do we have to lie about so much for the purposes of being nice that we become saddled with dozens of crappy traditions that nobody really wants to take part in?! I just mentioned on Facebook that my favorite Christams tradition is shredding the photos of my friends and family's children two seconds after I've glanced at them. Yes, this statement is hyperbolic. Usually I just throw them in the "to be shredded" basket. But why is that a bad thing? Shouldn't I acknowledge the truth of what I do with pictures I don't really give a shit about? Is there an appropriate amount of time I'm supposed to pretend to cherish them before I destroy them forever?! Or are my friends and family seriously asking me to hang on to these pictures until I die?! They must know that nobody fucking wants this shit cluttering up their lives, right?! I can understand this tradition when things like fucking social media, email, and texting didn't fucking exist. But now I see pictures of your stupid fucking kids every day! Why do I need a hard copy of them?!

Other than that (and the smugness of people giving me gifts I told them I didn't fucking want), my Christmas was pretty good! I got my Kill/Death Ratio in Call of Duty up to 2.12 so that it equaled my Score Per Minute of 2.12! It's almost orgasmic seeing those numbers lined up so nicely! Also I ate a lot, read DC Comics Presents: Titans Hunt #1, and played Apples to Apples Junior with the Non-Certified Spouse, her sister, our niece (her sister's daughter! Just in case some of you internet trolls don't know the definition of "niece"), and the girlfriend of some step-something or other. I wish all these holiday interruptions were over already but now I have to have dinner at my dad's on Sunday! Christ, he's still alive?!

Um, anyway, this issue begins on the roof of the Gotham Police Department where some Talons have ambushed the Robins. It's a good thing three real Robins are in the crowd of Robins or else they'd all be dead in the amount of time it takes for me to shred a Christmas card.

Here's where the whole "no killing" rule really falls apart.

Batman and the Batfamily do not kill. It's practically the first rule, as Dick pointed out over in Batman and Robin Eternal. But apparently the rule has a whole list of clarifications and exceptions. Aliens are generally okay to kill if they're monstrous and don't speak Interlac. They might be sentient and have their own grunty language but to Batman they're fair game. Apparently it's also okay to kill the Talons because they've been reanimated. Does that mean it's okay to kill Damian or Jason Todd? What about Superman and Batman? Superman "died" once, right? And Batman is currently only alive because he's a partial Toymaster video game construct! I think. Holy shit that story was awful! No, don't get distracted by remembering Greg Pak's failures! Must list more reanimated heroes that it's okay for Batman to kill! Here's one: Swamp Thing! A monster and reanimated!

Some people might want to argue the semantics of "resurrected" and "reanimated" but have you read The Court of Owls story arc and it's tie-ins? The Talons are as sentient as any of the heroes I've mentioned who have been resurrected. Calling them "zombies" or "reanimated corpses" is just ignoring a lengthy philosophical debate on what makes something sentient. And I'm not even touching the rabbit hole we'd fall down if we brought stupid fucking animals into the equation!

The debate is actually moot since the Talons regenerate at room temperature. Luckily, more of those flammable barrels that were in the prison are also on the roof. As was sort of seen in the ambiguous art of the last chapter of Robin's War, the barrels contain some kind of freezing chemicals used to power the air conditioners! I think. Some of my jumps I take to conclusions are Olympic level. But if they are freezing chemicals, we know what they're going to be used for, right?! No, not huffing, cheeky monkey.

Oh. These ones actually explode as opposed to the ones stored inside which...well, they did something different.

Elsewhere in Gotham, Councilwoman Noctua continues to prepare Gotham for a Court of Owls takeover. And beneath the city in the layer of Gotham above Nocenti's Stupid Gotham Underground but beneath Killer Croc's sewers and the Gotham subway system, Dick Grayson has entered the Court of Owls' labyrinth. He's gone to find answers but he's really just going to find a trap because he's the one the Court really want. Tonight is the night Dick Grayson once again becomes Nightwing! At least that's what they're hoping for. I doubt that will happen because Dick is already in a really successful comic book that isn't called Nightwing at all.

But this is a Robin, Son of Batman comic book so Dick fucking Grayson can hold his giblets. Back at Gotham PD, Damian blows a hole in the roof and the Talons drop to their temporary deaths. All of the Robins (being smarter and more agile than the Talons, I guess?) manage to grab on to the hanging jail cells and not plunge to their permanent deaths. Riko mentions how she saw a Talon at Gotham Academy (probably in the Gotham Academy Tie-In I haven't read yet) so the Robins figure it's as good a lead as any. During the ruckus, Damian has disappeared because that fucking idiot must have forgotten about this being a Robin, Son of Batman comic book. I guess Jason Todd and Tim Drake need to fulfill their roles in this comic since their monthly comic books are ass.

Tim, Luke, and Jason send most of the Robins home because no reader is going to remember dozens of different names. Plus it's a pain in the ass to draw so many people. So now it's just a handful of Robins going after the Owls living at Gotham Academy: Tim, Jason, Luke, Riko, Dax, Dre, and Izzy. I think.

I append "I think" to a lot of my sentences because fuck if I can remember anything, especially names.

They stumble upon the Talon's hatchery when help arrives.

Elite Talons!? What the fuck are those comprised of?!

The Robins and Batman somehow defeat a room full of Talons without the Elite Talons waking up. Batman calls in the cops and sends the kids off to the next chapter.

Meanwhile Dick Grayson meets the new leader of the Court of Owls...Lincoln March! Oh shit. So he is going to be behind all the shenanigans in Batman and Robin Eternal, isn't he?!

Lincoln March declines to invite Dick to be the Court of Owls new superstar because Damian already accepted the position. That must make Lincoln March the dumbest supervillain to ever take an oath of supervillainry! Damian Wayne is playing you, you fool! You shouldn't be throwing Dick Grayson away because you think Damian is honestly on your side! You should use Damian's attempt at sabotaging your organization through treachery to help convince Dick Grayson that he has to be the new Gray Son or the Elite Talons will tear Damian apart! Maybe Lincoln March's stupidity is proof that the reanimated Talons aren't as sentient as I thought and it is okay to kill them. At the very least, Stephanie Brown is technically not a murderer.

Robin, Son of Batman #7 Rating: No change. I'm actually quite enjoying this Robin War no matter my tone while writing about it. I'm not really sure of my tone since I've already forgotten everything I typed on this page and am ready to move on to working on my Cribbage Role Playing game that I'll be sending to all of my Patrons as an end of the year bonus. So you should learn how to play cribbage or you won't be able to enjoy it. Although I'm having Pickle Boy write an addendum to the rules which are just the rules for cribbage. Mostly I've asked him to take care of that part so when the game is inevitably delayed past the end of the year, I can blame it on him not having gotten his part finished.

Robin, Son of Batman #6

I never liked Tweety Bird. I hope that asshole was the appetizer.

I'm way behind on my comic book reading due to important things like leveling up my guns in Call of Duty and replaying The Temple of Elemental Evil! I've got thirty-four comic books in my stack and I won't be able to do any commentaries between Sunday and Wednesday of this week because my cousin is flying into town to go see Alice Cooper with me on Tuesday. So I'm going to see how many books I can do today by sticking to some kind of bullet point system. Can I actually read a comic book without writing a ton of extraneous, meaningless bullshit? Can I actually concentrate on the story's themes? Probably not. But I'm going to try anyway! If I can actually catch up, it'll be my Christmas present to myself!

Side note regarding giving myself Christmas presents: I am an atheist. I grew up in a family that were, technically, Catholic. At some point. In the past. I was baptized and that's about as much religious upbringing as I had. Religion wasn't really important in my family although my mother still had enough Catholic guilt to yell at me if I ever said "Goddammit!" So Christmas is a secular tradition for me. I suppose since the word is Christ's Mass, I wouldn't ever go so far as to say it should ultimately be embraced as secular. But to think that it's always been all about religion and that everybody has always celebrated it that way until all the Happy Holiday Heathens ruined it is simply ludicrousmas.

This issue begins during one of Damian's Year of Blood quests. He's battling his way through a dungeon when he comes to his next prize guarded by a giant werebat and its children. Damian slays all but one of them because the last one is just too cute to kill, even if you are Damian Wayne, bloodthirsty bastard child of Talia al Ghul.

Poor baby newly orphaned Goliath! I'm totally not sad at all!

It's not fair to use animals to pull on the emotional ripcords of your audience! I'll cry at the drop of a hat if an animal is harmed in a book, comic, or movie. Or if the animal is lonely. Or if the animal is well loved. Or if the animal is an animal. But if you can make me cry in a story that's only about people? You're on some kind of super game at that point. Sure, it happens just not as often as with animals. What I'm trying to say, Patrick Gleason, is don't think you're something special because you're getting my eyes to water seeing the panel of Robin with his eyes watering as he looks down at this cute little critter whose family he just murdered!

Oh god. OH GOD WHY, GLEASON?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!

Another to way to make me cry if it's a movie is to make your movie a musical. That's also a shortcut to tapping right into a person's emotions so it's mostly cheating. I know there are quite a few movies that don't have animals or songs in them that make me bawl but I can't really think of many right now except maybe Slingblade and Young Guns II.

Robin returns to Talia with the scepter and the Neopet. He asks Talia if he can keep the creature by telling her a lie about how the creature helped him escape the cave and how he totally didn't completely break down from shame and guilt as the innocent creature reached out to Damian who was still bathed in its family's blood. Damian names it Goliath. And that's Goliath's origin story! It was sadder than Batman's origin!

Back to the present, Talia returns to Bialya with the Scepter of Kings. She marches into the court of Prince Abush who has had some dental work since we last saw him. Whoever wields (or "WEILDS" if I want to spell the way Tom Napolitano spells similar words!) the Scepter of Kings will rule Bialya. Prince Abush doesn't like that idea but after getting his new dental work knocked out by the mother of the kid who caused the need for that work, he relents. Or falls unconscious. Talia is now the ruler of Bialya!

Damian has an exploding vagina?

Talia attempts to talk to her son about the upcoming battle with Den Darga. But Damian only has one question for mother: "Why did you kill me?" I can't answer for Talia but I'm pretty sure it has to with with trains in mother's tunnels and Oedipal cigars and reverse Electral penitentiaries. It's all quite psychologically complicated! Or it just might be that she was pissed at him for leaving her and bonding with his father.

Is that other she believed "Grant Morrison"? And when Grant was removed with his need to make Talia and Bruce bitter divorcees, Patrick is now able to make Talia more than just Bruce's vindictive ex?

Just as Damian brought his father a pearl to symbolize how much he was trying to change and loved by his father, Talia brings a black pearl to Damian. It supposedly contains the evil al Ghul side of her that she has left behind so that she can simply be the mother to her son. If Damian chooses, he can restore her memories and kill her. Or he can allow her the same chance at redemption which Batman gave him.

Patrick Gleason is killing this shit.

Damian goes to speak with Nobody and finds her watching news reports about the death of Batman. I suppose it finally had to be dealt with since Damian needs to go participate in the Robin War! Damian seems to shrug off the idea that his father is dead because he knows firsthand how fickle death is in comic books. Damian is a bit down on the whole Robin thing at this point but Nobody has never believed in Robin more (even though he did kill her father. I mean, her father was kind of a jerk so she can probably forgive him). Damian has done good even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it might take away from his need to keep striving for redemption. But he saved Goliath. And he saved his brothers. And now he has the chance to save Nobody and his mother and maybe even his father too.

Okay, now Patrick is making me cry without using animals. Jerk.

For Damian to truly understand the idea of Jesus's rebuke to those willing to cast stones shows real maturity. It's not about punishment and being above sin. It's about second chances and redemption. Who has the right to take away somebody else's chance to make good on past evil? Damian could easily have been treated in the same way. It's an even more mature reason for not killing than Batman's usual reason for not wanting to become the thing he hates. You don't kill because you aren't the one who should determine that somebody is beyond redemption.

This train of thought always brings me back to The Lord of the Rings and how Bilbo has the strength to let Gollum live. And later when Gandalf tells Frodo that nobody has the ability to give life back to the dead, so why should they presume to think they have the right to end somebody's life? And how, in the end, Gollum is needed to destroy the ring. Yes, it's ultimately an accident. But without Gollum, Frodo would not have chosen to destroy the ring. It's grip was too powerful in the end. It isn't quite a story of redemption but it's an interesting take on pity and condemning others to death.

I think it's time to stop being surprised at how well Patrick Gleason is writing this book and just accept that, at this point, he's the fucking man to write Damian.

The next day, Maya is about ready to set off to look for her mother. Damian is headed back to Gotham. And Goliath...I guess Goliath gets to choose because Damian sets him free. He chooses to remain behind with Ravi. I'm sure they'll all get back together after the Robin War is over. Damian leaves a note with Ravi to give to his mother in the arena where they were supposed to battle the next day. And then he's off to Gotham.

Damian also gives the pearl back to Talia along with the note. He's decided to let her choose her path rather than decide it for her. I'm not sure what she's choosing but she seems to have an army waiting for her in the arena the next day. Was she going to have Damian battle them all? Or is she just preparing to battle Den Darga? I guess that's the question, right?

Robin, Son of Batman #6 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic may not be at the extreme top of my comic book rankings but after this issue, it's up there with Grayson and The Omega Men as one of my favorites. Patrick Gleason is writing the fucking hell out of Damian and telling the story Damian needed outside of his life with Batman. I can't recommend this book highly enough. Gleason has taken Batman and Robin, one of my consistently favorite original New 52 books, and continued the quality of that series, if he hasn't actually raised it by a few notches. I can't say anything better about this book than that it made me cry at least twice while reading this issue. Usually that would mean I'd call Gleason an asshole because I have a problem dealing with emotions but I'll let him off the hook this time and just say, "Thank you, Pat!" Great fucking book.

Robin, Son of Batman #5

During Robin's Year of Blood, he stole a lot of shit from some cult whose symbol is a horned head surrounded by triangles. He stole their possessions, their dignities, their homes, and sometimes their lives. Damian simply assumed he was being tested so that he could become a man at age 10. But nobody told him the truth of the matter. He was really decimating one of Ra's al Ghul's most ancient enemies. But that was years ago. Or months ago? Weeks ago, maybe? Whatever the case, that was when Damian was a bad seed. Now that Robin has decided that Batman is cooler than Ra's al Ghul, he's decided to atone for all of the horrible shit he did as a kid. That means returning 365 prized possessions to Ra's al Ghul's enemies. And even though they're the enemies of Ra's, I don't think this is one of those cases where the enemy of your father is your friend. I think these enemies are just all around bad people and Robin is going to accidentally help them get back on track to conquer the world.

Robin, Nobody, and Goliath are currently pit-stopping on al Ghul Island to pick up a little food and the next bit of booty to return.

You saw a penis, Nobody. That pleasant tingling in your lower abdomen is not scarring. Unless you're a lesbian?

It's possible that Nobody just saw the craziest looking penises ever and that's why she's scarred for life. But she's fairly young so she probably has no idea what a penis is supposed to look like anyway. Although she lives in the internet age which makes it impossible to guess how old somebody has to be to have gotten a glimpse of a naked member of the opposite sex. Back before the internet when I was around the age of Damian and Nobody, I remember girls being quite interested in seeing what was going on down there. I don't think anybody was feeling "scarred" by getting a glimpse of a sibling's friend's genitals. It was kind of like trading baseball cards. I'm old now and we live in the age of free porn at our fingertips, so I simply assume that kids would be bored out of their minds just looking at somebody else's naked crotch.

There was a nice bit between Robin and his differently shaped brothers (I didn't want to use a possibly ableist term like "deformed") immediately following the above scan but it would have diluted the whole penis-viewing part of the scene which is the part I found most interesting.

Robin returns to his Vault of Ill-gotten Goodies only to find his servant Ravi and the Skull of Den--his next treasure he was going to return--are gone! And Damian claims only one other person knows of the vault! I'll pretend I didn't look at the cover and have no idea who he might be talking about! I used "who" there instead of "whom" simply because it sounds better. Sometimes you have to just listen to your ears and disregard your barely passable knowledge of grammar. We all know the most important rule when it comes to using who and whom correctly, right? "If you don't actually know what you're doing, just fucking use who, you asshole." At the very least, by following that one simple rule, you'll know which people in the room are the pretentious, didactic asshats when they correct you.

Damain heads out to the island temple to find the super mysterious unknown thief while Nobody and Goliath pretend to search the rest of the island but really Nobody just goes back to look at penises.

Gasp!

Talia was brought back to life by the Lu'un Darga who are Ra's al Ghul's ancient enemies. I couldn't remember their name earlier and I won't remember their name after I turn the page. Talia wants to stop them before they use her to destroy the world. Probably. That's sort of how these things work. When evil druids bring you back to life, they generally expect something in return.

So I was correct in my initial synopsis. That either means I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Writer or Patrick Gleason is a competent storyteller (meaning the opposite of Tony S. Daniel). It's probably 85% me, 15% Pat.

While Mother and Son battle, the Skull of Den tumbles to the ground to fall on the symbol of the Lu'un Darga. I guess Damian didn't actually have to return it from wherever he stole it. He just had to leave it here in the citadel on al Ghul Island. Which, if that's the case, seems like a poor place for Talia to bring it if she's actually trying to stop the Lu'un Darga. I sense shenanigans.

Lu'un Darga rains down fire and lightning on the island while bringing up death worms and earthquakes from beneath the island. It's a catastrophe that's causing the island to break up and fall beneath the sea. I guess Robin's brothers will be heading back down to Atlantis for a bit. Or they'll choose to paint "R"s on their chests and give their lives rescuing Damian.

Ohana means deformed penises!

Damian and Talia are dragged beneath the sea but Nowhere and Goliath save them. It's probably all kinds of touching for people who feel things with their feelings which they still have because they haven't been worn away by years of cynicism and horror movies. Ravi appears at the last minute with the submarine so that the group still has possession of Robin's treasures and a means to search for safe harbor where they can plan their attack on Lu'un Darga. The guy seemed like a pretty major end of level boss monster but they're probably going to have to defeat him next issue so that Damian can take a break from his solo adventures and participate in the Robin War.

Robin, Son of Batman #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was probably a smart move sacrificing Robin's malformed brothers because they were just too strange to have around. They're the kind of thing that would normally be forgotten or become some kind of weird footnote to Damian's story. Tomasi kept them around to show Damian had empathy for somebody on his own terms. But how much more use could they be after that? Well, Gleason gives them a fitting and emotional end. They couldn't really serve much more purpose since I doubt DC would have published an Island of Misfit Robins book (I would have read it). So having them pull the whole We Are Robins and Brothers thing to repay Damian for treating them like family was more than I would have expected, and I'm grateful to Gleason for giving them a heroic moment. Although I wish he would have shown at least one of their penises on panel. Missed opportunity!

Robin, Son of Batman #1

Goliath the Werebat is either Bruce Wayne or Alfred's right hand or Tim Drake.

Hopefully Patrick Gleason is a better artist-writer than David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I'll probably determine that he isn't not out of any objective skill he has but out of my subjective sour, and ever worsening, attitude toward comic books. As art, comic books are the crusty boogers of long grown fifth graders still haunting the underside of elementary school desks. But I'm not sophisticated enough to appreciate art via any other medium because movies are too long, poetry is too individualized, novels have too many fucking words that usually aren't fuck, and television isn't art, according to the Sophomores in my Humanities class in college. I suppose I could get my fix through children's books since everybody at every Portland Wine Tasting always has to mention how their favorite book was always one by Seuss or Sendak or Eastman (probably just to show that they're still full of wonder and childhood goodness and the adult world hasn't crushed their spirit at all although the way they're chugging that fucking wine says otherwise). I also don't go to wine tastings so that last sentence might be bullshit. But I can imagine what it would be like if I went to a wine tasting and in my imagination, it's exactly as I described it!

Okay, so I really don't think comic books are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to art. I think they have an opportunity to tell stories in ways that no other medium is able. So the problem isn't the medium at all; the problem is with the writers and artists within the medium failing to use it to its full advantage. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when the only comics I'm really reading right now our superhero comics. I have plenty of comic books in trade paperback editions that prove writers and artists know full well how to take advantage of comic books (Chris Ware probably top among them. Get thee to Building Stories or Jimmy Corrigan preposthaste!). But those comic books aren't as fun to comment on as I read them. Those are the kinds of comic books which deserve critical essays written about every aspect of their existence. But those are fucking hard to write, you know?! That's why you won't find me saying anything about them here. But writing about Robin and his gigantic Werebat that makes no goddamned sense at all? Welcome to the funhouse!

And a cowfucker too, unless I'm mistaking the reason for using the word "engorged"!

The Pot calling the Werebat fat is the ruler of Bialya which probably means he's a lover of Black Adam (in the fandom sense, not in the sodomy sense). Robin crashed the Robinwing in this man's country and Goliath fucked this man's cows and now this man wants to make Robin his son. Just to remind everybody what New 52 Damian Wayne comics are all about, a decapitation is depicted seven panels in. Can't have a Damian Wayne comic book without somebody losing their head! Anyway, Robin is going to have to fight the Prince to prove he is worthy to become a prince himself. I think instead of taking this rich guy up on his offer, Damian is just going to beat up a whole mess of people soon. Or very soon. Whichever comes first.

Oh! It was very soon!

Patrick Gleason Artist-Writer Update!
His storytelling is clear and concise. He sets up action so that it makes sense as it takes place. Just in this first meeting, he gives the reader a clear feel for the size of the room, the location of Damian and those within it, and makes sure that the background adds additional information about the owner of the location. I'm only four pages into the comic book so I might be optimistic. Maybe Patrick Gleason spent three weeks doing these four pages and the rest of the comic book is going to be a mess! But after these four pages, I trust that Gleason knows how to write, draw, and pace an intelligible story. That might seem like low hanging fruit but after some of the shit Artist-Writers have published, I'll be ecstatic with simply intelligible!

The story flashes back to Damian back at Wayne Manor. When it takes place is anybody's guess because Damian himself is the cause of much consternation to the continuity purists. Did Batman's search for Damian take place after Batman Eternal and Endgame? If not, where was Damian? How could Batman have searched for Damian after Endgame if he was dead?! Perhaps this will explain how Damian was running around the world on his own during Endgame. Perhaps Gleason won't even deal with it. As for me, I only care up until the end of this paragraph.

Meanwhile in Gotham Harbor, somebody is recovering the mask of Nobody. The mask has file footage on it revealing the identities of Batman and Robin. And the certain somebody recovering the mask is Nobody's daughter, Whats-her-name Ducard.

While Robin is left at home because Batman wanted to patrol on his own, Damian gets a message from somebody that Goliath has escaped so Damian has to sneak out to go take care of his pet Werebat. Apparently he's got an Alfred on Al Ghul Island who takes care of the pets he doesn't have time for just like the Alfred back in Gotham taking care of Alfred II, Titus, and Batcow.

Some consider it a privilege, not a job, to tend to their pet's every need!

Damian has to fetch a whistle on a submarine from the "Year of Blood" which I know nothing about either because it's something new Gleason has come up with or it's something that happened during the years I wasn't reading comic books or it's that thing where Damian killed lots of assassins while Talia trained him that I can barely remember. I've been playing too much Nethack again so I'm totally into this pet/whistle connection thing going on. While Damian is down in the sub, something from behind a sealed door calls out his name. It makes Damian sweat so it must be super scary. Like Japanese Urban Legends scary!

Damian uses the magic whistle to control Goliath and they beat up a few more guards before escaping. But Goliath flies too high so that Damian passes out to have a nice dream with Dick in it. Although it quickly goes from a pleasant dream where Damian is treating Dick like crap to a nightmare where Batman is interrogating Damian about "The Year of Blood."

Damian wakes up screaming the way he never does because it would indicate he isn't in as much control as he wants everybody to believe. He finds he's still on Al Ghul Island because he told Goliath to take him home and that's Goliath's home. It also gives Damian another opportunity to call something stupid. But after his dream, Damian figures he should probably stay on the island until he's dealt with The Year of Blood. So he heads back into the submarine to take a sneak peek at whatever was calling him from behind the door.

Was Damian working for Planetary that year?

On board the submarine are all the trophies Damian kept after concluding every mission during the Year of Blood. One trophy per day. Now Damian wants to begin the Year of Atonement where he redeems himself for every trophy he took during the Year of Blood. So "Robin, Son of Batman" is a bit like the comic book version of "Friday the 13th" the television show. And I bet the final day of Damian's atonement will be when he partakes of a Couples' Skate with Nobody Jr. and then they kiss while sharing some nachos in the snack room. So cute!

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, Talia al Ghul climbs out of a crevice where she was dropped way back during Batman's search for Damian's corpse. She confronts a creature called the Lu'un Darga which bears nearly the same symbol as the symbol on the object Damian chose to atone for first. Damian's object was connected to something called "The Guardian" and had six little whisker arrow things pointing up. Lu'un Darga's symbol has six little whisker arrow things pointing down! I bet the Guardian was supposed to have kept Lu'un Darga in its pit but Damian killed the Guardian! Or, you know, something vaguely like that or something.

Robin, Son of Batman #1 Rating: This feels like a near seamless continuation of Batman and Robin because, obviously, the art is exactly the same. But I feel like Gleason and Tomasi must have shared ideas on who Damian is and how he acts. Some might be thinking how wrong can somebody really write the little prick, right? But seriously, I can see Damian Wayne being written horribly. We need to share some kind of compassionate link with him. Early in the comic book when Damian is training alone in the Batcave, he stumbles over Alfred II and falls into a pit. He finds himself lying next to the skeleton of a bat. Now, I'm sure bats die and decay all the time in the cave, and this is probably one of them. But the way Damian looks at it, you can tell he's already realizing how much he has to atone for, even the smallest things he did like killing a bat in the batcave. He'll always have reminders of the person he used to be and he needs to find a way to set that boat sailing away as his father once, I guess, said. And Gleason sets it up nicely to have the daughter of Nobody as Damian's foil for the series. I would probably give this start an A+ if I wasn't such a monstrous asshole. Instead it gets a C- because I have a reputation to uphold!

Damian (Son of Batman) #1

Welcome to Bat country!
Special Guest Commentary by jaeger-bomber because I don't have time for all of these fucking mini-series and shit.

Before I begin, it needs to be known that this book takes place on some shaky continuity ground. Written by Andy Kubert, before the New 52's inception but released now, before we know if, when and how Damian comes back from the dead.

We open at Gotham City's Tricorner Docks "Some years from now". The narration boxes take the form of entries on something called "Graybook" which appear to be a recounting of the events by Damian.

I notice that this book is not printed in the normal DC glossy paper, nor on the toilet paper Marvel tries to pass off as quality. No, it is printed on very high quality paper, like you would get in a high end hardback.

Damian discusses how he has been surrounded by death as they search a huge pile of bodies for clues, speculating that maybe someone is trying to teach them a thing or two.
[[MORE]]

Or not, "Just some poor bastard as ugly as Tim"

I don't know about you Americans, but "Bastard" is a word we here in the motherland have always been taught as being just 1 tier of swear words down from the big 2 "Fuck" and "Shit" and 2 tiers down from the word that must be never be uttered "Cunt". I have noticed in American TV shows that it is used almost with impunity, that and "Wanker". I applaud that you are still sticking 2 fingers up at King George, but if published in the UK this book would probably be Teen Plus just for that.

Anyway, on with the show. Damian gets called out for his lack of respect towards the dead. Oh the irony! Batman finds a jokerized fish and states that Joker is usually more deceptive than this. As he examines the fish, he lifts it ever so slightly, at which point Damian here's a click. There's not enough time to warn Batman before he get's blown to Kingdom Come though.

I like the call out to the "Batman cradles dead Robin" trope.

After the funeral, Damian heads to his mother's to ask for the League of Assassin's help in hunting down whoever was responsible for Batman's death. Before meeting his mother and grandfather, he passes through the clone room, where we see that there are still some backup Damian's on ice.

Talia explains how he was bred to be the ultimate warrior "" but that she is disappointed he chose to become Robin instead and therefore he will get no help from them. She also mentions that he was resurrected following a "submarine incident" before he joined Batman. I don't know if I missed this in Batman Inc. or whether it happened pre-New52, but if he's been resurrected once, he can be again.

Robin returns home defeated, so he deals with the situation the best way he knows how. The master comic book reader will be glad to know that Jacknapes survives the events of Joker #1....(if this is indeed in continuity).

Presented without comment.

After his murderous rampage, he seeks solace in the confession booth. Where he proceeds to confess that it feels righteous and that he won't stop. The priest insists that it makes him no better than those that oppose him, to which Damian rebuts that it's the only way to stop them from returning.

Damian storms off, mumbling about how the priest "acts like he knows me." The priest peeks out after him and says to himself "Oh, but I do." Glasses and a mustache, me thinks old Commissioner Gordon has had a career change.

Alfred has no more success at convincing Damian of the errors of his ways.

Maybe he will.

I really enjoyed this book, the art is fantastic, the paper makes it feel fantastic and the story sets up the rest of the series nicely. I noticed how Damian, and everyone else for that matter, never referred to Batman as anything other than Batman, so I'm retrospectively stating that I knew it wasn't Bruce all along. For the record, I think it's Dick. It's definitely not Tim, which really leaves Jason as the only other candidate. It looks like that which Bruce feared is coming to pass, but will it? Tune in next time folks.