Pandora #5

Is the Pandora logo an emoticon of her body where the "O" is her vagina? The "P" is her windswept hair and face. The "A" are her breasts held tightly in her buttoned coat. The "N" is the bunched fabric on her midsection (or abs!). The "D" is her belly leading into her waist formed by the constricting lines. The "O" is her pelvis. And the "R" and "A" are her legs and cape and gun holster and stuff.

I am currently snacking on Fresh Gourmet (Registered Trademark) Crispy Jalapenos (Lightly Salted). Thankfully, if I want more than just these Crispy Jalapenos, they've provided me with some recipe suggestions on the back. "Taco Salad with Crispy Jalapenos." "Mashed Potatoes with Crispy Jalapenos." "Cheeseburger with Crispy Jalapenos." "Macaroni and Cheese with Crispy Jalapenos." Wow! I can make all of those meals using Crispy Jalapenos?! But what if I don't feel like any of those? How can I incorporate Crispy Jalapenos into other meals without a recipe? No worries! There are more recipe ideas at www.freshgourmet.com!

You know what, Fresh Gourmet? I think I've cracked your little pattern! I suspect you haven't created any of these recipes at all! You've just thought up a meal and added "with Crispy Jalapenos" at the end! That's quite the opposite of clever! Whenever I think Gourmet, I always think a previously complete recipe with some random ingredient out of a sealed plastic bag sprinkled over the top. Mmm! Delicious! I'm going to send them an email suggestion for my recipe of Crispy Jalapenos with Meatloaf. Why not make the Crispy Jalapenos the star of the dish?

Last issue, Pandora hunted down The Outsider because she needs some information. Or perhaps, like this cover states, she just needs to kill him.

Pandora asks him how to reopen the portal back to Earth 3 and The Outsider decides to answer the question by telling Pandora that she's not asking the right question.

She's not interested in the history of the box, you dick. She just needs to know how to get your ass back into it. So stop waxing philosophic and answer the Got-Damn Question!

Philosophy literally means "wasted knowledge" in Greek. Because "sofia" means wisdom and "Philo" was the name of the head of the first Greek Fraternity who could drink all the other frat brothers under the sundial. Also, he invented the term "fraternity" which was later incorporated into Latin by those thieving Romans.

The Outsider relates the history of the Seven Sins to Pandora because somebody has to know something so that the reader can learn everything. The Seven Sins don't cause sin at all. They just masturbate to it. Our actions are their pornography. The Outsider then points out what anybody paying attention to the Trinity of Sin has already been screaming about from the beginning: Pandora did nothing wrong. Just like The Phantom Stranger did nothing wrong except play an integral part in Jesus's plan. So I'm guessing The Question didn't do any shit to warrant his punishment either. The Council of Wizards was just a bunch of privileged douchebags expecting everybody in the world to know their rules and play by their rules and accept being punished when they broke a rule they'd never been told not to break. That whole Council can eat a tasty bag of deep fried donkey dick.

That's just the kind of stupid shit Philo Sophocles would come up with while lying in a puddle of vomit.

Phil Sophocles: "In my world, dicks are vaginas and vaginas are dicks! In my world, mouths are assholes and assholes are mouths! In my world, your world is my world and my world is your world! OH MY GOD! Everything is the same and nothing is everything!"
Aggie Gnostic: "You're not making any sense, Phil. Are you? I think you aren't. Well, you might be. Meh, whatever."

Pandora decides The Outsider might not be lying about one thing he said: The Crime Syndicate can kill immortals. So she tries to teleport back to Marcus where he's got an idea on how to fix the Box. But she gets caught up in the transporter beam, becoming pure knowledge. Well, slightly impure knowledge seeing as how she still has her guns and she begins shooting them at the knowledge tentacles that are trying to find an uncovered orifice.

"When a society decides that sexual imagery and intimate knowledge of the pleasurable arts should be repressed, that society will find stranger, creepier, more octopus-like outlets to represent sexual expression." -- Philo Sophocles, 663 BCE. Sometimes Philo said things that may have made sense although in this particular instance, he was only defending his habit of shoving calamari into his rectum.

Pandora finds herself transported back to where it began before she tries to kill herself with a rock but she has herself outgunned with pistols. Then she appears back at The Rock of Eternity with her fellow Trinity members. But this time, the Council of Wizards is composed of John Constantine, Fake Swamp Thing, and The Nightmare Nurse. So the Trinity will probably get a better trial this time.

Pandora #5 Rating: No change. Pandora didn't really get much done, did she? I suppose she got some advice from the people in her past as she time traveled but that won't get her far. "Immortals are overconfident." "Every person has a part to play." "There are two kinds of people: strays and losts." It all just sounds like Philo Sophocles, drunk again and fucking the house mascot. The house mascot was a huge marble tablet of wisdom which Philo chiseled a hole in. Which might be why some people think "philosophy" actually means "love of wisdom." Whatever. I'm sure a visit to Snopes will set those assholes straight.

Pandora #4

Pandora backwards is "A Rod Nap."

I have to believe there's a strip club out there somewhere called Pandora's Box. Probably one called The Golden Fleece as well. I think I'd have to go with Medea's Golden Chariot. When you're tucking in for a night of exploitation and boners, it's only proper to invoke the image of a woman fleeing from the dismembered corpses of her children in a magic chariot pulled by dragons.

Anyway, that's the last time I'm ever going to allude to Pandora's vagina when I talk about her box. It's crass and old hat and I don't peddle in those kinds of wares. This is a high brow blog where I drop Shakespeare quotes when I can remember them and constantly quote philosophers after consulting Lord Google and Lady Wikipedia. If I had to rely on the things I actually know, you'd simply be reading a lot of Looney Tunes references here.

Somewhere during the Trinity War, Pandora learned that she could kill a Deadly Sin if she first fully embraced the sin. So she killed Envy in the Trinity War and now she's ready to hunt the rest.

Except maybe she has to first deal with the aftermath of the Crime Syndicate traveling to Earth Prime.

I don't know but I have a feeling we're going to get a lot of Forever Evil tie-ins beginning this way!

Pandora begins her post-Trinity War blackout amongst the ruins of Washington, DC: smoke billows out of the capitol dome, bones litter the National Mall, thick black clouds hang in the air. In other words, business as usual.

So turn it the fuck over, you stupid clown. Sometimes I get confused when I pick up a book the wrong way and wonder how the publisher could fuck up so bad by printing everything upside down.

Oh look at that. It's just like I said somewhere in some commentary someplace at sometime: the Justice League was not killed but just transported to Earth 3. Which is also where Stargirl wound up after escaping the Cube. See how the Earth 3 American flag is opposite Earth Prime's? Because black is the opposite of red and red is the opposite of white! Now here is the part where I sing some Les Miserables!

"BLACK! THE COLOR THAT IS NOT RED!
RED! THE COLOR THAT IS NOW WHITE!
BLACK! THE COLOR THAT IS ALSO NOT WHITE!
RED! THE TEARS OF ANGRY MEN THAT HAVE HAD THEIR EYES GOUGED OUT!"

See, you can tell that Black is the opposite of Red on Earth 3 because the stripe at the bottom of the flag should be red but it's black on Earth 3. And you thought I was just being stupid when I said black was the opposite of red! Well, you say stupid, I say super logical, perceptive, and observant! Unless perceptive and observant are basically the same thing so shut up!

This is the first person Pandora meets on her Steve Ricks backpacking trip across Earth 3:

It's Man Martianhunter!

That red inked font on a gray background is nearly impossible to read without doing severe damage to your retinas. So it's probably a good thing you've already read this bit in your own copy of Pandora #4 because you certainly aren't reading my blog simply to avoid paying $2.99 each month for this comic book. Are you? I'm especially looking squinty-eyed at all y'all pretending to "boycott" DC for "transgressions" against "stuff" but still need to follow everything they put out like rabid French hyenas who want their bread and their cake too.

My God. Who taught me these analogies?! I guess I was raised by Victorian Werewolves. Is that a thing? I hope it's a thing.

Man Martianhunter dies at Pandora's beautifully booted feet and then Pandora disintegrates. No, wait. She probably just gets transported somewhere else.

So menstruation is the key to traveling between worlds? I'm confused.

Once Pandora is back on Earth Prime, she goes to see her arms dealer, Marcus Aurelius. Although he's probably just named Marcus after somebody else because he's practically barren of stupid, trite, boring quotations. He has yet to say anything like "The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer." Wait. Really? So am I actually praying on a daily basis? And here I thought I was masturbating!

When I was a kid (this is not a masturbation story! It's a Marcus Aurelius story!), I used to spend a lot of time exploring the shit in the basement of our home. My dad had built a trophy rack for my parent's road rally trophies and a bookshelf for a bunch of random books and National Geographic magazines. Amongst the books was a series that collected three or four classic works (probably some abridged) into one book. It was in these books that I first encountered Alice in Wonderland, Gulliver's Travels, Moby Dick and many others. I remember essays by Charles Lamb and quotations by Marcus Aurelius. I don't remember Marcus's wisdom having any great impact on me although I bet I tried to memorize some of them to quote to people. Although the proper situation to use the quotes probably never came up before I quickly forgot them. I wish I could remember who published that series of collections. In a way, that bookshelf, with its collections and National Geographics and other odd books, was my internet of the Seventies.

Anyway, Pandora has come to Marcus to have him help her with her box. The Crime Syndicate tore it up and she needs help putting it back together. Only Marcus has the knowledge and the dextrous fingers needed to fix Pandora's box and save the world.

Meanwhile in Mexico, Vandal Savage is having a bit of a crisis. He's discovered that he isn't pure evil like he always wanted to be because he understands the difference between good and evil. By understanding the difference, he understands good which means he can't be purely and innocently evil. What he really wants is for evil to be so ingrained in his nature that he simply understands that evil is the way of things. What he wants is to be from Earth 3! But he is too self-aware and now he's even afraid that he might have a spark of good within him. Oh, Vandal. Stop worrying about your true nature! You were perfect the way you were in Demon Knights! Just a selfish prick that wasn't concerned about bad or good. You were only concerned with your own desires. You were so beautiful!

Pandora plans a trip to Mexico because she needs to find The Outsider so he can help Marcus rebuild her box. But to find The Oustider, she needs a guide. And Vandal Savage fits that role since she already knows him from their constant run-ins across time and space.

I even find the act of shaking hands violent and aggressive. Which is why I don't participate in it anymore. Now I hug. I even hugged the guys I just met or barely knew when I was in Vegas last week! Because I live by my convictions, baby! Although sometimes I still get sucked into a bro-hug. But that's more of a hand clasp and half-hug which is still far better than the sizing up of the other person that's involved with a handshake.

Vandal Savage hands over his Communication Coin to Pandora so that she can go meet with The Outsider. He's decided that he doesn't want to work for them. I guess the whimsy of it wore off and now Savage is off to satisfy some other desire. Pandora crashes the Happy Harbor meeting that's been repeated about twenty or more times now. But she skips the meeting so I don't have to see poor Monocle fried to a crisp again. Instead, Pandora heads straight on into the crashed remains of the Justice League Watchtower to find her prey.

I wondered what The Outsider was up to during this stupid meeting.

Pandora #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now this felt much more like a Forever Evil tie-in! Stupid Justice League of America should pay attention. But then Pandora's story is inextricably tied to the entire Trinity War story. She is, after all, the catalyst for the entire thing. I like that we're given a glimpse of Earth 3 (as we were in JLA #8 but without being coy about it here) and that Pandora is given an obvious motivation for her movements. It's odd that suddenly the Deadly Sins have just winked out of existence though. Perhaps they got cold feet when they saw Pandora kill Envy and they're off regrouping. Or another theory: each of the Crime Syndicate that came through took over the role of a Deadly Sin as they came through. Perhaps it was the only way for them to make the journey because the Deadly Sins were sort of shadows of their true selves already on Earth Prime. Which is why Earth 3 Aquaman (Sea King!) died during the journey. Because Pandora killed Envy and obviously Aquaman would represent Envy! The others might go as follows: Superwoman/Pride, Ultraman/Gluttony, Power Ring/Sloth, Johnny Quick/Lust, Deathstorm/Wrath, and Owlman/Greed. Some of the characters might have some overlap but I felt if I needed to go one for one in comparison, these work best. Owlman as greed because of his need to own and control everything. Ultraman for gluttony because of his consuming Kryptonite for power. Deathstorm as Wrath because he's most destructive. Power Ring as Sloth because he's fearful and hesitant. Johnny Quick as Lust because he's quick to satisfy his needs. Sea King as Envy because he just wants to be one of the big, grown-up super heroes that nobody makes fun of. Superwoman as Pride because she's a proud, strong female. I refused to make her Lust simply because she's fucking two members of the team. They'd all be Lust if I equated it with fucking! If only the real Justice League would fuck as much as the Crime Syndicate does, they might lose some of the sticks up their asses.

Secret Society #1

Bill, I bet I can comment on this comic in three paragraphs!

The story, narrated by The Outsider, begins on Earth 3 men are women and children are adults and cats are mice. Your ass is in your crotch and you sit on your genitals. And worst of all, tomatoes are vegetables but everybody thinks they're fruits.

Oh! If everything is opposite, I bet Earth 3's Talon is interesting!

Owlman and Alfred "The Outsider" Pennyworth run Gotham City. I'm not exactly sure how you run a city where everybody murders everyone else and nobody can keep a television for more than a few hours and all the cars are stolen. Who does any legitimate work? Why would anybody want to when someone will just shoot you in the face to take whatever they want? It's really no surprise that Earth 3 was destroyed. It's breaking my brain just trying to comprehend how the place works! I guess Owlman says, "Hey you! Do that thing I want or Alfred will drill a hole in your abdomen and fuck your liver!" And then Hey You gets to fucking work because he's already had his liver fucked five times that week and he just can't take anymore.

Owlman has a secret about the reason he cried the day Alfred Pennyworth shot Owlman's parents. And Alfred Pennyworth has a secret about how much he loves Owlman's butt. No joke: it's better than Nightwing's. But Alfred thinks it's too early in the comic book to reveal those secrets and I have to agree for once. Because they're probably terrible and they'll just make me angry that they're secret at all. I'd rather be in a good mood for the first eighteen pages.

According to this exposition, it looks like The Godblessed Owlman does keep Gotham operating with a semblance of sanity. And bucket loads of fear and beatings. Just like Batman!

The Joker has killed Talon. Talon is dead! Hooray! But Talon was Dick Grayson. Boo! But Talon is dead! And Tim Drake too! Hooray for Earth 3! Although this Tim Drake had never been written by Scott Lobdell, so I really shouldn't celebrate his demise. Anyway, Owlman declares he's going to kill The Joker for killing Dick but we'll get to that later.

First let's talk about how this affects Owlman's feelings toward the currently captured Nightwing! No way is he going to allow the others to kill him. He'll probably slobber all over him and kiss his feet and underbelly and ask him for forgiveness. He'll probably call him Talon and then Nightwing will be all, "What the fuck?! How dare you! That guy's a boring jerk!" And Owlman will be all, "Don't you dare talk about Dick Grayson that way, Dick Grayson! Dick Grayson was a better Dick Grayson than you'll ever be, Dick Grayson!" And then he'll slap him and begin to walk away but he'll suddenly turn and fall on his knees and hug Dick Grayson around the waist (while caressing his butt because who can blame him? It's so amazing!) crying, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for everything!" And Nightwing will be all, "It's cool."

It's later!

With Talon dead and The Outsider convulsed in fits of laughter from The Joker's gag lapel flower, the Gotham City Police Department begin attacking Owlman. The Joker's final joke! With his death, the people of Gotham shall live!

Earth 3 finally fell apart when Darkseid attacked. Only The Outsider and Atomica escaped and that's been documented in other comic books. So I think I can stop reading now.

Except I almost forgot about Pennyworth's secret! I'm going to finish reading but he'd better tell it by the end or I'm going to rank this lower than Joker's Daughter #1!

And then the issue ends without revealing The Outsider's secret. But that's okay! I was just joking about ranking this issue lower than Ann Nocenti's crap. That was probably mean-spirited, threatening Johns and Sterling's work that way. Now I feel as guilty as Thomas Wayne AKA The Godblessed Owlman! And you know why he feels guilty? Because Dick Grayson is dead! But Dick Grayson is also alive! And Owlman wants him on his team!

Nightwing might as well join. What else is left for him?

Now that the Crime Syndicate have exposed Nightwing as Dick Grayson, every villain with even an average intelligence that is familiar with Gotham City or Bruce Wayne should jump to the conclusion that The Goddamned Batman is Bruce Wayne! Nightwing just won't be able to show his face at any of the Batfamily functions after this, especially after the way everybody treated Bruce when he almost exposed their secret identities.

Secret Society #1 Ranking: I enjoyed this one far more than a lot of the other issues this month mainly because it tied in to Forever Evil and helped flesh out some of the stuff hinted at concerning Owlman in Forever Evil #1. I also enjoyed getting a little glimpse into Earth 3. Having Dick Grayson become Talon to Thomas Wayne's The Godblessed Owlman was a nice piece of symmetry. And while some of the Villains Month comics didn't really feel like they did much, I'm sure as The New 52 continues plodding along, I'll be glad to have read them. Some of the stories might not have been very good but they at least planted some interesting seeds like Darkseid's Superman Corpse Room or Lex Luthor's experiments on Bizarro. Or they cleared up some really fucking stupid shit and added some decent enough explanations for things like H'el's abilities and origin. Although just like Scott Lobdell, he didn't stop at the explanation of H'el being a time loop. No, that fucker had to tack on all the other bullshit like H'el killing Jor-el and Zod just to have some kind of exciting ending plot point. You do know you could have just left the issue with the explanation of H'el, right? You didn't need to fuck it all up by continuing with your stupid time travel fucked up bullshit. God damn you, Scott Lobdell. You never know when to stop, do you?!

The Outsider! (as seen in Trinity War)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Alfred Pennyworth
Occupation: Attempted Murderer [For fuck's sake. That's not an occupation! What next? Attempted Plumber? Attempted Doctor? Attempted Babysitter?]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Julia Pennyworth (possible daughter) [Oh Alfred! You scandalous man you!]
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #356 (First Manifestation: DETECTIVE COMICS #334)
Height: 6'6" Weight: 225 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: None

HISTORY
When Alfred Pennyworth, butler to Bruce Wayne and confidant of Batman (see Batman II) and Robin (see Nightwing), learned that his friends had been captured by gangsters and condemned to death, he succeeded in saving them, but lost his own life in the process. Later, however, it was found that Alfred was not dead, but had been discovered, in a death-like trance, by a scientist [Who probably couldn't leave well enough alone, judging by the picture. Fucking amoral scientists!]. In an attempt to revive Alfred, the scientist subjected Alfred to the rays of an experimental machine that, to his surprise, not only revived Alfred, but transformed him into another being with a bizarre appearance and great mental powers. Calling himself The Outsider, because "I am outside the human race," the transformed Alfred now wished to kill Batman and Robin, rather than aid them. To this end, he made several attempts to slay the Dynamic Duo over the next few months, each of which ended in failure. He finally confronted his foes in person, which resulted in his defeat and his transformation back to Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred retains no memory of his role as The Outsider, and Batman has kept from him the knowledge that the transformation has ever taken place, feeling that the news of Alfred's treachery might kill him, even though he is not responsible for his evil alter ego's actions. Alfred has since been transformed back to The Outsider several times.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Outsider's powers are psionic in nature, enabling him at assume telekinetic control over anything he touches, as well as permitting him to transmute matter, affect teleportation over limited distances, and communicate telepathically. His advanced brain is also capable of mastering scientific principles that today's savants cannot begin to comprehend.