Phantom Stranger #13

My final guess as to the identity of The Question: Humbaba!

Last issue, The Phantom Stranger returned to his home to find Sineater and Natas had set the place on fire. Sineater did own it first, so I think he had every right to burn it down. Is it legal to burn down your own home as long as you don't expect the insurance company to cover the damage? I bet there are some other bullshit anti-freedom laws that keep us from burning down our house if we really want to. Now I've got that song stuck in my head. You know the one! Games Without Frontiers!

The House burns down, Sineater's dog bites The Phantom Stranger, and The Phantom Stranger tells his neighbors to fuck off. And then Zauriel shows up.

Sure, I remember! But how does The Phantom Stranger remember not existing?!

Zauriel gives The Phantom Stranger a lesson on compassion because The Phantom Stranger never played Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar. He learns that even a jerk that goes around judging and slaughtering orcs and trolls and gargoyles that are just trying to live their lives in peace can earn compassion points by giving bread and money to beggars. The world isn't completely black and white no matter how the modern media tries to portray it. Some day, Paris Hilton is going to sacrifice her life to save a baby's jewel encrusted necklace and everybody will be ashamed for judging her as a shallow, fame-obsessed, born with a silver dildo in her vagina heiress.

It feels like I wrote this eight years ago by mentioning Paris Hilton and Ultima IV! Way to keep up with popular culture, me!

There's your Forever Evil tie-in! It's like in the mid-eighties when you read a Crisis on Infinite Earths tie-in and partway through, Lois Lane would look up in the sky and say, "Boy, the skies sure look weird today!"

Zauriel reminds The Phantom Stranger that he has Doctor Light's power and he's supposed to return it to Doctor Light's wife. The Phantom Stranger (can I just call him Phil?) delivers the power and it lights up the house and takes the form of Arthur Light and kisses his wife right on the mouth! And maybe it does more because she sure is sleeping soundly after the encounter. Is this why Doctor Light has exploded back onto the scene over in Forever Evil: ARGUS (or whatever Forever Evil book that happened in)?

After that touching moment (sarcasm!), Zauriel takes off and leaves Phil to enjoy some free time. Hopefully he spends it doing free movement to music.

Instead he spends it visiting The Question. Boring.

I'm just going to imagine he's free dancing to the music stuck in my head! "Whistling tunes we piss on goons burning down the house!"

Phil realizes that The Question only has questions and not answers. So he doesn't know who he is or what sin he committed to be one of the Trinity of Sin. Judging by the sins which Pandora and The Phantom Stranger were being punished for, I'd say he probably wiped with the wrong hand or prepared a loaf of bread with instruments used to prepare non-Kosher food. Even if he wasn't Jewish, he would probably be punished for that by The Council of Wizards who really just kind of made up the rules on the fly and then punished people who broke the rules with completely arbitrary punishments.

No? But you are going to be responsible for his future medical bills, you dick.

The Question answers all of The Phantom Stranger's questions with more questions which causes The Phantom Stranger to have still more questions. And since nobody is getting anywhere with this conversation, The Phantom Stranger decides to kill himself. But before he can, he sees a Tumblr post that says, "If you are looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it." So Phil decides to continue living which causes him to be kidnapped by John Constantine and transported to The Rock of Eternity with his pals Pandora and The Question. It seems John has a favor to ask of them and, judging by the shackles restraining the Trinity of Sin, he isn't taking no or let me think about it for answers.

The Phantom Stranger #13 Rating: No change. I just thought the title of the comic book, "That is the Question!", was just a stupid pun because The Question was guest starring. But it actually wound up being a little bit about suicide! Color me surprised! What color is surprised? If it's red, I take it back. Color me stupid instead. Because I don't know why The Question was hanging about Philip Stark's fire-engulfed house!

Did he finally figure out that Philip Stark was The Phantom Stranger but he didn't get there in time and had to run off when he saw Zauriel?

Maybe The Question arrives at the site of all suicides and The Phantom Stranger was on the edge of despair finding the last memory of his fake family going up in flames? The Question has "To be or not to be?" on his vision board, is that a clue to his ultimate nature? He is The Question of "To be or not to be?" And how then is he tied to The Phantom Stranger being that The Stranger, as Judas Iscariot, hung himself from a tree? Could it be Judas was not supposed to kill himself and that's why he's being punished? And Pandora is being punished because, in some way, the Seven Sins she let out helped convince The Stranger to hang himself? And The Question was supposed to chop down the tree which Judas hung himself on earlier that day but being filled with Lust or Sloth or Gluttony, put it off until later? That's probably exactly it! So The Question's real identity is some lazy Jewish Orchard Keeper.

Sure, sure! You're asking, "But why would they all be punished due to Judas killing himself? What was Judas's destiny to have been if he hadn't died?" But I say, "Don't ask that question! That's a stupid question!" And then you say, "Oh yeah! It is!" And we take each other by the hand and skip off into forever.

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?

Swamp Thing #25

Why does the Swamp Thing have an erection?

Last issue, the Swamp Thing learned how to say no. So now he's ready to date! I mean, battle! Look out, The Seeder! Swamp Thing has a very large purple eggplant to insert into your very small pinkish brown anal sphincter muscle!

I included the colors in that last sentence so that synesthetes could smell the description.

After the title that is a joke and also a reference to one of the greatest movie franchises of all time, Swamp Thing is ready to enter the Salad Bowl (also known as Thunderdome in that previous movie franchise I mentioned). My favorite moment in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is when all the little barbarian kids want to hear a story so they begin chanting, "One of us! One of us! Goo goo ga joob! We accept Visa and Mastercard!" So good.

This fight is less about completely obliterating your opponent and more about showing that you're a greater abuser of your power. So it's pretty much exactly like Chess.

The Seeder's first move is to fling his seed all over the place. So it's like me clearing my head every morning.

I bet Swamp Thing's first move is to whine about the loss of his humanity! Just kidding! That's the old Swamp Thing! This Swamp Thing is ready to embrace the vegetable he's become. Although not at the expense of who he is! Which is Alec Holland, human! I don't know how he's compartmentalizing it all in his fucked up head. Maybe he just discarded the notion that he'll ever get to have his dick sucked but still treasures the memory of having it sucked in the past. It's kind of a Zen thing.

Here's Swamp Thing after his opening move. This is some of that overconfidence I was talking about last commentary.

Big deal, Swamp Thing. There are now eleven of you and you barely know how to control the one body. Meanwhile, The Seeder has just flung dozens of seeds into the arena which are about to sprout right up the asses of all the stupid puppets you've created. Get your mind in the game, asshole!

You're such an idiot, Alec Holland! Stop playing at Batman and be The Swamp Thing already!

Here's how you defeat him, jerko. Turn into a spray of every single pollen in the world. Blow right up his nose. He's bound to be allergic to something. Find out which spore he's allergic to and just explode into a cloud of that, clogging up his nose and throat and eyes and whatever other orifices pollen gets into. Get his own body to shut itself down! Or turn into a gigantic tree and spill your sap all over him until he can't move! Hmm. Why do all of my attack suggestions sound like pornographic money shots?

Porn Titles for Swamp Thing Porn Parody: Swamp Thingy; Swamp Thing's Giant-Sized Man Thing; Swallow Thing; Anal Fistfest Fifteen starring Swamp Thing.

To continue the hot vegetable action, The Seeder shoots his seed into Swamp Thing's face where it sprouts into a beautiful, purple starfish. The Seeder then takes Swamp Thing from behind by ramming his large staff straight through him. It turns out the staff is a past Avatar which means this is technically a three-way. Also, doesn't that mean The Seeder has brought in a weapon from outside? His seeds also count as weapons, don't they? Or does the rule against bringing in weapons from the outside only count once the fight gets started and ignores whatever a contestant brought in with them? Which means Swamp Thing should have carried the entire world inside his heart as he entered! Aww!

The Seeder opens up a gaping portal which The Retired Avatar Staff hauls Swamp Thing into as Alec screams "No!" I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with this entire parable. I see through your Avatar battle to the perverse sexual fiction you're really into, Charles Soule.

Swamp Thing defeated? Or anally raped? Which story did you just read?

It's a good thing plants don't have anuses so the Swamp Thing barely even notices what's been done to him. He does feel some shame that he was defeated so easily. But he should be proud that he fought his own fight while The Seeder simply stole Alan Scott's playbook for defeating an Earthly Avatar.

Swamp Thing's problem is that he needs to move his consciousness across the Green and back to Earth. But The Seeder has poisoned the ground in the Arena, so if Swamp Thing returns, he'll be leaving the Arena (although the Moon probably isn't inside the bounds of the Arena anyway. I guess it's not like Sumo Wrestling. You can leave the Arena in this contest if forced out; you just have to find a way back in). But The Seeder wasn't the only one to be able to conceive on the opponent's face! Swamp Thing explodes a new body out of The Seeder's head and forces him into a submissive position.

The Green tells Swamp Thing to kill The Seeder because that's how these contests work. The challenger must die! But Alec Holland isn't known for listening to authority. He's also not very good at killing humans. So I think he's going to puss out. Although "puss out" here probably actually shows a strength of character somehow. I don't know how! How can showing mercy and empathy be strong?! Killing and maiming is true strength!

Alec refuses to kill The Seeder after The Green takes The Seeder's power and returns him to being simply a man. But The Green doesn't like lackeys that don't fall in line. The Swamp Thing is found lacking and offered a generous redundancy package.

This is what happens when you listen to the advice of stupid blue Swamp Things that want to take your job! Idiot!

Swamp Thing's body rots away and Jason Woodrue sits up as The Floronic Man, The Green's new Avatar. Whoops!

Swamp Thing #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I thought a lot about how to describe this comic book and finally came up with the perfect phrase that, I hope, DC is willing to use to promote the Trade Paperback: "This comic book is very, very, very good and I enjoy it a lot. It makes my dick hard and/or my pussy wet."

Swamp Thing Annual #2

Wait. What? I still have an Annual to read?!

So as I was rereading the commentary for Swamp Thing #24, I thought of a topic I wanted to discuss in this commentary. But now it's now and not then, so I've forgotten what that topic was supposed to be.

Time for a speed reading of Swamp Thing Annual #2!

The issue begins with a Narrator judging us for having to eat food. Forgive me for trying to keep my biological processes going! I would love to be a plant as well and just soak up the nutrients as I went about my daily life. It sure would save a lot of time! And money! Shit, if we got our nutrients directly from sunlight, we'd all be free of our corporate overlords! We could walk out on our jobs and shove our middle finger right in the boss's face! Or the boss's secretary's face, if he's in a meeting or something. Sure, there would still be people who would work long hours for large stacks of cash so they could buy luxury items. But just imagine not needing a fucking job at all?! Sun and water is all you need to live? I mean all you need to live without working to grow crops using sun and water. Because, really, sun and water is basically all you need to live now! But you need land too right now and that's a bit harder to come by what with governments and thieving property owners. Why isn't science working on chlorophyll implants? Oh, that's right. Because of what I just said. Because it would free us all from the shackles of capitalist work ethics.

The good old days is right! But then those fucking herbivores came along and had to shit on the Goddamned party. Literally! Those things shit everywhere!

Look at the pure bliss on that guy's face as he just soaks up the sun! So beautiful! Unless that look is because he's releasing pollen spores. Gross!

The plant's defense against the herbivore invasion was not to propagate in huge numbers, or to become poisonous, or to shift all of their energy into delicious little hanging sacks of sugar to distract the greedy, stupid plant eaters, as you might have guessed. No, the plant's defense was to kidnap one of the eaters and turn it into a meat/plant hybrid to protect them. That makes sense. We used that defense in junior high! Instead of hanging out with more and more nerds so we were less likely to be the one picked on by a bully, we showed the bully how to play Dungeons and Dragons and got him to join us! Or did we just dream of doing that? I can't remember due to all of the concussions from banging my head against porcelain during the twice-daily swirlies.

Eventually man reared his handsome, lovely locked head and the Green shit itself. That's when they created The Parliament of Trees so that they would have a reservoir of wisdom to combat the intelligence of mankind. Probably also the brutality. And the selfishness.

This must be The Seeder's Patron in the Parliament of Trees. He's quite the refined vegetable.

Except it's not. Not the patron of The Seeder, that is. He's still quite refined. It looks like the patron of Alec Holland. I should have known better. The Seeder's patron is probably a Venus Fly Trap with eight penises. I don't know why a plant needs penises but that's the picture that popped into my head. Stupid brain doesn't know anything about biology.

The patron's name was The Wolf and he must have been the Avatar of 1920s New York. Or maybe 1790s Philadelphia. Perhaps 1630s London? Apparently my brain doesn't know anything about historical decor either! Maybe if I knew what year Grape Earrings were in, I'd have a better guess. Stupid fucking brain! Stop playing so much Call of Duty and get thee to a library!

Benjamin Franklin was an Avatar?

The Wolf is giving Alec a tour of the Parliament of Trees before the big duel with The Seeder. He's also, I guess, going to give him some training. The Parliament members sure look different deep inside The Green then they do as skinny little saplings in the swamps of Louisiana.

The Wolf sends Alec on alone to attain wisdom from Lady Weeds. The Wolf is afraid of her because she is a lady. Or maybe because she's a weed. When Swamp Thing stumbles upon her, she, as The Wolf did, points out how shitty he's been as an Avatar even though he's full of potential. They acknowledge he could be a great Avatar but they love to point out how often he's nearly failed as well. Alec really needs to point out how he saved their fucking asses and gave them a nice, new swampy home to live in. If I were Alec, when I got back home, I'd build a nice dark shed around the Parliament of Trees and make them work for their daily dose of sunlight. Fuck these bastards.

Never mind what I just said. I'm quite partial to Lady Weeds. *swoon*

There's a historical precedent for the Swamp Thing always almost dying, isn't there? Hasn't the Swamp Thing always taken severe amounts of damage to its person without much consequence and so he sometimes finds himself striding into situations where the damage actually hurts him and he almost dies? A little bit of overconfidence although it's not unwarranted. He gets arms ripped off, holes blasted through him, burnt to cinders...and none of that ever fazes him. So maybe he does like nearly dying because at least it makes him feel alive.

What was I just saying?

Lady Weeds fucks up Swamp Thing's shit to prove a point. He was warned she was dangerous. He went in ready to fight. But then when she appeared as a Dandelion, he got all soft and hesitant. Which is when she pounced and exploded him into salad confetti. Lady Weeds takes her proper form which seems to be a woman from the Victorian Era. You know the time? When they wore their hair like a jellyfish made of dreaded broccoli stalks. Dreaded like as in hair and not as in feared! Maybe that's not quite Victorian. But she has gloves and a corset! I think that's probably Victorian! She's also into pain and violence which was the favorite hobby in the movers of upper class salons of the era.

Lady Weeds teaches Swamp Thing another trick, one that I've been yelling at his stupid face for about twenty four issues now: stop thinking of yourself as a human!

I would gone with Leaves of Grass but then I'm not as violent-minded as Lady Weeds.

Lady Weeds tells Swamp Thing a story about when she was Avatar in 1845 in Ireland. Oh! That makes sense. She does look a bit like an Irish waif. Unless waif doesn't mean prostitute. That's probably why she has dreadlocks too! Because people often sound Jamaican when they're trying to do an Irish accent.

Except it was her rival that was from Ireland which is why Lady Weeds introduced the fungus that destroyed the potato crops. Creating the plague on the potatoes caused the Parliament at the time to stop challenging her for some reason. I guess it made them all happy that she took out her anger on The Red's smartest monkeys.

Oh yeah, see? I should probably stop thinking about the comic book and just read ahead so the comic book tells me the things I come up with anyway. It'd be quicker and easier!

After Swamp Thing leaves Lady Weeds, he and The Wolf pass The Seeder on his way to see Lady Weeds himself. His patron seems to be an 18th Century British Naval Officer and an emaciated version of Alec Holland's Swamp Thing. Maybe it's a fashion model. So The Seeder is getting some lessons as well. But The Wolf assures Alec that the next person Alec meets, The Seeder will not be able to. I suppose if this next person doesn't kill Alec, it's an advantage.

I knew Alec wasn't going to learn that thing about babies because he never visited me.

The next Avatar Alec meets is his predecessor, Fake Alec Holland Swamp Thing. It's the one that was supposed to be Alec but The Parliament of Trees got to Alec too late and he died. So they gave this Avatar the memories of Alec and it ran around thinking it had once been human. But then The New 52 happened and Alec Holland was brought back to life and The Parliament of Trees had another chance to nab him up and use him for their own ends. This non-human Swamp Thing, the one with no humanity at all, gives Alec the most human advice. And it's my favorite moment in a comic book that so far has been filled with favorite moments.

If only everyone would learn this fucking lesson already.

And that's it. Alec Holland is now ready to battle The Seeder!

Swamp Thing Annual #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. I usually don't change a comic book's rankings for an annual but since none of the rules in my life are written in stone, I'm giving Swamp Thing a boost for this issue. This issue was charming and other words I wanted to use to describe it that have fled from my mind. I really love Charles Soule take on this character. And the characters he's created to be members of the Parliament? I love them all and I can't wait to meet the rest!

Green Arrow #25

I hope this issue finally reveals why such enmity exists between Green Arrow and Aquaman! Which has probably been forgotten by everybody except me.

I think Aquaman and Green Arrow dislike each other because they're the two heroes at the bottom of the totem pole. Aquaman probably defends his abilities by saying, "You think I'm worse than a jerk running around with a bow and arrow?! I have actual super-powers! I'm nigh invulnerable! Super strength! Nine inch cock! Come on!" And Green Arrow just has to point out that some guy is running around calling himself "Aquaman" when defending against the ridiculousness of his own career.

Although, if you want to get technical and be an Actually Nerd, Aquaman doesn't think of himself as Aquaman. But he's so stoic, you'd never know! If you call him Aquaman, he simply grunts and rolls his eyes and answers anyway. But if Mera is in the room, you'll never hear the end of it. "You better not fucking call my man "Aquaman!" You better show him some Goddamn respect! He's the fucking king of the seven seas, bitch. What are you the fucking king of? That's what I thought."

As you might expect, this issue begins six years ago during Zero Year. It's what I expected but then I rarely miss subtle clues by writers, artists, and graphic design elements on the covers of comic books. What I don't expect is for everybody else in the world to be as perceptive as I am. You might have missed it, but if you look at the cover again, you'll see it costs $3.99. That's the first clue that something is different about this month. That might cause you to examine the cover a bit more closely where you'll see a flock of bats fluttering above Green Arrow's head. And just above those bats in small print that you might have missed if you were paying as much attention as I'd expect the average person to pay a Green Arrow comic book cover, the words "Zero Year." What does it all mean? It means you're paying an extra dollar this month to learn what Oliver was up to six years ago.

As long as J.T. Krul wasn't writing him back then, I think this could be interesting.

I see Judd Winick's Zero Issue is still in Green Arrow's New 52 continuity. I guess some story elements had to be retained from the first four writer's attempts at this hero's reboot.

Oliver Green has just returned from a three year stint stranded on an island. It just happens that he reveals himself to Emerson the same weekend that The Riddler has shut down Gotham. Ollie mentions he was rescued by a Thai fishing boat. Or was he? My original theory was that he was rescued by Aquaman and their animosity toward each other stemmed from that somehow. And once I believe something, I never don't not believe it afterward! Unless that means I stop believing it which isn't what I meant. Perhaps I shouldn't use so many negatives next time I'm trying to not unexplain some non-inexplicable fact.

Another thing I stubbornly still believe: Harvest is Vampire Tim Drake from the future! I'm never letting that one go. I'm so right about that one.

Anyway, ignore those last few paragraphs. I probably should have deleted them but I'm a firm believer in transparency so I think anybody reading this should know that I suck at what I'm doing. I also firmly believe in padding out my commentaries with bullshit so that most responses to my work, at least from the internet, amounts to "TL;DR." Fucking internet. The next time you're having a conversation with somebody, respond to them with, "Too Verbose; Didn't Listen." Although I think most people passively respond this way anyway as they sit there mumbling "mmm hmm" to whoever is speaking while their attention is firmly on the phone in their hands. Sort of like what I'm doing to Green Arrow right now! I'm just ignoring the book so that I can ramble about bullshit I'm not even interested in rambling about! I'm simply avoiding having to listen to Green Arrow.

What I really wanted to talk about was Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I think about this book often because some people's reaction to it drives me nuts. For the life of me, I can't understand how people can be offended by this book. Sure, there are the supposed adults who act completely childlike in their inability to even look at the word "nigger" no matter what the context because it just upsets their delicate sensibilities which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt how not racist they are because that word just turns their stomach and they can't even begin to even think about it at all ever even in intellectual discussions. What I don't get is people's condemnation and dislike of the character of Huck Finn. Do they expect him to be full of our own modern sensibilities about slavery and equality and human rights? Because Huck Finn is not a smart character. He is not an abolitionist. He is not a free thinker. He generally believes that society is trying to teach him the "moral" and "just" way to live life. He finds it a flaw within himself that he can't be "virtuous" and an "upstanding citizen." So what you have is a kid that escapes with a slave because it's a game to him. He eventually realizes Jim has feelings just as he does when Jim is hurt by Huck playing tricks on him. He becomes friends with this man while still believing that slavery is an acceptable institution because that's what he's been taught. So by the end of the novel when Huck has to trick Tom into helping Jim escape once again by turning it, once again, into a game, Huck isn't doing it because he believes slavery is wrong. He absolutely buys into what society has taught him and that it's wrong to help a slave escape. So where does that leave us? What are we to learn from that, if this kid isn't some great liberal forward-thinking abolitionist? Well, what we wind up with is a kid that is willing to condemn his soul to Hell for his friend. And that ending, that thought above all else, almost always brings me to tears when I think about this book. It's Huck's belief that he's going to Hell, that he's going against what is "right," that he's breaking the law and acting immoral that makes Huck's action so powerful. He cares about his friend's happiness and freedom more than his own soul at the end of the book. It would lose all of its power if Huck believed he were fighting a noble fight against the tyranny of the civilization that surrounded him. Huck must be a truly flawed character to make his decision mean so fucking much.

Another thing I was thinking was, "Where is the Age of Innocence fandom on Tumblr? Where are the Team Mays and Team Ellens? Why aren't people shipping Newland Archer with, well, I don't know with who! Gatsby?"

At this point, you might suspect I don't give a shit about Green Arrow. But you'd be wrong! I'm just distracted and hungry. I'll get back to the comic book now.

Oh yeah. Ollie's mom is in Gotham fighting vampires during a horrible earthquake while The Riddler shuts down the city and a storm blows in and Bane has taken over and everybody has escaped from Arkham and Batman is missing and whatever other tragedies constantly bubble to Gotham's surface.

Bodyguard Diggle is trying to keep Moira Queen safe but it's pretty much an impossible job since they're in Gotham. Especially since they're in Gotham before it was full of Batfamily vigilantes. Anyway, she's nabbed by some jerko (not Joker) in a gas mask. At least I think she is. I'm jumping to the conclusion that Diggle failed to protect her and she's going to wind up dying because I haven't seen any evidence of Moira in previous comics. Although I might have zoned out while reading previous references to her character.

Ollie sneaks into Gotham City through the sewers after taking a limo ride from the private airport where he arrived via the Queen Industries private jet. He doesn't want anybody to know he's alive yet because he hasn't had a chance to shave and who needs publicity photos of your mangy three years on an island face gracing the covers of every magazine in existence. He sure thinks a lot of himself, doesn't he? He's been gone for three years! I don't think anybody even remembers him.

I don't get the moth theme. Is it because he's annoying as fuck?

The arrow, surprisingly, isn't from Green Arrow. It's hard to tell since Sorrentino's panels generally have a limited color palette so that arrow could have been green. Instead, it's bat and was fired from a Batbow. Killer Mothman the Moth declares that Batman was his inspiration so right from Zero Year, we have evidence that Batman's existence has hurt Gotham more than it's helped. He inspired all of the wrong kinds of people! I think that's why Bruce Wayne had to get more involved with his city so that people who wore normal business suits could also be inspired to do normal, legal business things instead of taking shortcuts by wearing funny costumes and doing abnormal, illegal business things.

That arrow probably is from Green Arrow because we've run out of heroes that it possibly could be. Also it's, you know, green.

Batman and Green Arrow don't act civilly because why should they? Fuck acknowledging help from another person. That would be weak! Instead they bicker about territory and about saving asses and all the usual shit. At least they don't wind up fighting each other. Moira chooses to remain with Green Arrow as Batman carts off Killer Moth (who really needs to go back to the drawing board with his theme). She recognizes Green Arrow as her son probably because he began by calling her "Mo--". Also because why wouldn't she recognize her baby boy? Even with that disgusting beard full of island lice.

The story ends with Moira asking Ollie how he's alive and he says, "I don't know where to start." Then there's an image of him being kicked off of a cliff with lots and lots of red ink. I guess Andrea Sorrentino finally restocked on red ink after using it all up during his I, Vampire run. And the Next Blurb states that the secrets of the island will finally be revealed next issue! I bet it's Purgatory!

That story was short so there's a back-up story about Diggle and how he wound up helping Green Arrow. But he only helped Ollie for a year before Ollie brought in Roy Harper and everything fell apart because Roy Harper is fucking annoying. He's actually gotten a bit better and had one or two nice moments since Tynion took over Red Hood and the Outlaws. But he's really not been a very sympathetic or likable character at the hands of Scott Lobdell. So I can understand why Diggle left Team Arrow when that jerk was brought in. Anyway, Diggle gets this brief history since he was brought in at the end of last issue trying to get Clock King to help him take back Seattle from Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu, and whoever else is fucking up the city.

Green Arrow #25 Rating: No ranking. This felt too much like an annual to get any kind of rating assigned to it. An interlude. A way to pass the time. A month off to introduce Diggle. But at least Batman was in it for a couple of pages! Although I will rate my commentary: -5 Rankings! What was that shit? Where's the care? It's like the mind of whoever wrote it was somewhere else. Perhaps dick deep in the burrito they're dreaming of eating!

Earth 2 #17

I hope Earth 2 New Batman is Ben Affleck.

Last issue ended with Earth 2 getting a great big cock right up its hoo-haw. Even Steppenwolf was fucked hard when Brutaal sliced him in twain with his Kryptonian heat vision. Oh yeah, Brutaal turned out to be Superman. Has he been working undercover? And is Bedlam really Aquaman of Earth 2?! I know, you would think Bedlam would be the resurrected, sodomized corpse of Batman because of the connotations of that word with Batman's career. But my guess is it's mummified Aquaman brought back to life by an ancient Atlantean protozoa. And Beguile will turn out to be Aubrey Plaza.

Whoops. Pardon my gaffe. Superman's heat vision was actually an Omega Beam. That's much scarier. I think.

The world is ready to give up because how can they defeat Superman when Batman no longer exists (they haven't seen the cover of the comic so they don't know they still have a chance)? The military has one idea though! It's a long shot! It's not something they've ever tried before! It's pretty crazy because it's the antithesis of everything they stand for! But it's so crazy it just might work! They're going to try to stop Superman using love!

Robot Love, to be exact. Sexy, hot, beautiful assed Robot Love. This plan is a winner!

The ass is in the panel on the next page. You'll have to trust me that it's very nice.

So Lois Lane's consciousness has been downloaded into Red Tornado. Does Red Tornado get a Responsometer? Does Red Tornado have working parts? You know which parts. The important parts! She looks soft and supple. I wonder if she has a kryptonite bomb in her robot uterus? At least Superman will die happy.

Mister Terrific, being the Third Smartest Man on Earth Prime, comes up with a plan that doesn't involve Red Tornado removing her panties: Kryptonite! Oh, unless his plan is also the one I came up with about the Kryptonite Uterus Bomb. But Doctor Fate has an even better answer: Magic! Of course, he could still be talking about Lois's magical vagina. It's probably a good thing I'm not on the Committee to Come Up With a Plan to Defeat Superman.

While the World Army is worried about Superman penetrating their Headquarters and tearing them all apart, New Batman has infiltrated the lower levels! He seems to be seeking the stasis chambers where the World Headquarters keeps its prisoners. I bet Batman has the best plan! Hopefully one of the prisoners is made out of Kryptonite. I shouldn't even try to guess what Batman's plan is even though this is New Batman and probably not as smart as Old Batman. He's smart enough to wear the Batsuit and that's all I need to declare him the greatest hero on Earth 2!

Turns out, Doctor Fate's plan sucked.

Superman does the Kryptonian Twist on Doctor Fate's face which is actually lucky for Doctor Fate since that's probably the only part of him that can withstand Superman's furious stomping. I say "furious stomping" instead of "rhythmic twisting" because Superman isn't fucking good at everything. Ugh. He's as graceful as a three-legged giraffe jonesing for its next heroin fix.

Jay Garrick saves Doctor Fate although the helmet was cracked. This causes Khalid to continue to repeat slogans for cookies or something.

He might be talking about an old dog he once had named Crumbles.

Back at World Army Headquarters (which should just simply be called "Building for Lease" now), Lois Tornado watches her father die and New Batman finally decides to explain his plan instead of beating the shit out of the guys that are simply trying to save the world. Fucking Batman. Why does he always think punching is quicker than explanations? Anyway, his plan is to release some criminals and madmen in the hopes that one of them can help defeat Superman. Or maybe he just wants to use them as cannon fodder while he thinks up an actual plan.

Earth 2 #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm tentatively excited for the new direction this comic book is taking. I want to see all the Earth 2 Unwonders now! I hope the first one Batman frees is Ultra-Humanite! Although I have to wonder what's going on with Fury, Barda, and Scott Free over in Dinosaur Gotham. And Hawkgirl! Wasn't she doing something with some weird couple in Monte Carlo or somewhere? Mainly I have to wonder those things in type in this commentary so that I don't forget that they're happening! Anyway, a whole Earth is a lot to cover in just one comic book!

Batwing #25

Lucas Fox was like 12 years old during Zero Year, right? Or shouldn't Lucas Fox's Zero Year be the last few issues?

This is the first Zero Year comic book that I'm reading and I hate it already because it cost a whole dollar more than usual! Does Zero Year just mean it takes place at the time when Gotham City was a wasteland because Batman hadn't quite gotten a handle on juggling his duties as Bruce Wayne, Rebuilder of Gotham, and Batman, Insane Savior of the Oppressed? I'm guessing that's what is happening this month. I'm also guessing that Lucas Fox did a lot of drugs and hallucinated fighting zombies as a kid.

You can tell Lucas Fox is a 90's kid. Apparently the losers of my generation (the 70s) decided that when they had children, they would raise them exactly opposite of the way we were raised. I'm fairly certain the most heard phrase out of our parent's mouths was, "Life's not fair. Get used to it," just before they'd shove us outside and tell us to just be home by dark. And try not to forget to bring home some cigarettes from the local convenience store.

I know, I know. You're a 90's kid and your parents told you that life wasn't fair all the time as well. But there's a difference. Your parents used it to explain why they were selfish assholes and you weren't getting your way because it inconvenienced them. But if you ever came home from school and mentioned some injustice perpetrated on you by the staff or some other kid, holy fucking God look out! There will be hell to pay because things need to be Goddamned fair outside the fucking house. Fucking newfangled parents. They're so up their own ass that they can't see how they're letting their kids down by raising them in a world that doesn't actually fucking exist. You know why kids get out of college so far in debt now? It's not (simply) because the secondary educational system has become so greedy and corrupt. It's because kids today were raised to put a premium on education and, in so doing, believed that it was expensive. Instead of teaching kids about debt, parents just began shrugging their shoulders and steering their kids to schools they can't afford. Sure, even people of my generation still have, twenty years down the line, debt from college tuition. They're also part of the problem. If people are willing to go deeper and deeper into debt for their education, the educational system will keep charging more and more. I made the choice to not accrue a massive debt from college. Sure, my father paid for tuition while I paid for supplies and books. But it was San Jose State and quite affordable. And I had a lot of terrific teachers. Fuck people that only pay attention to the name of the school you went to. You don't need debt just to wave around a label. If you need a time out from being an adult, if you just need a few years to study whatever the fuck you want without the agenda of a high-paying job at the end, you can find these things for reasonable amounts of money. Hell, no money if you just educate yourself at a fucking library. And even if your main goal is to get the skills (and the degree!) to become a doctor or a lawyer or some other high-paying job, you still don't need to go to a prestigious college. You can learn that shit anywhere from educators that don't charge a premium. Well, maybe not anywhere! I suppose you could learn brain surgery from the guy living in the cardboard box in the alleyway outside of Walgreens but it might be an uphill battle afterward to get a job with that training.

I'm not completely blaming people that found themselves in huge debt out of college. They're just one part of the issue in that most of them have accepted the terms for their education. But the main problem is the parents of these kids. What kind of world did they bring them up where debt was an ordinary staple in their lives? Was there no thought involved in how to deal with money? Did they teach their kids that college loans were simply free money and they should enjoy it while they can? Did growing up with no-lose T-ball and no-score soccer teach them that everything is a big game without any consequences? I don't fucking know. All I know is that I was raised by a grandfather who once found $1 while in Reno and walked around super excited showing it off to everybody. A few hours later, he was walking around dejected because he lost that $1 playing Craps. I knew if I didn't have the money for some shit, I didn't need that shit. That doesn't make me better than people that found themselves in crazy debt out of college but it did make me better prepared for my adult life and to feel less trapped in my choices. If you leave college in huge debt, the system suddenly owns your ass. You have to get into the work force. You need a job. The System loves these people. The System hates me because I have always been able to shove a job right back up the employer's ass when they didn't treat me well. Debt is the new slavery and corporations and government love it. They fucking revel in that shit. Which is why the big American dream is a great education, a house, a car, and children. Because all of those leave you desperate for money and easily manipulated into taking jobs that fucking suck.

So none of that had to do with Batwing. Sorry.

What if you're fat? Does it owe you something if you're fat?

Luke Fox is busy training at a local gym to learn how to beat up the world when the world mistakes you for a punching bag. To be fair to the world, you kind of look like a punching bag. Perhaps Punching Bag manufacturers should have made punching bags less torso-like. Perhaps Punching Bags should just be outlawed so that people can't compare other people to punching bags and then use that as an excuse to hit them. Also, the words "punch" and "fight" and "kick" should be outlawed because without the words, how can anybody do those actions? Luke doesn't actually have to worry too much about being bullied because he's powerful and muscular and is full of confidence. But his friend the weirdo synesthete isn't so lucky. He talks cinnamon and tastes love so kids think he's a punching bag even though punching bags can't do either of those things. It's more likely he gets beat up because of his orange hair that smells like ice cream. Although, and I know it's not Luke's problem, but if Luke would just beat up one bully that picked on Russ the Synesthete, I have a feeling the bullying would stop. Luke's excuse for not doing it is that he won't always be around. But if Luke just kills one guy for Russ (kills because otherwise things would escalate and Russ would be in trouble), the other bullies won't take that chance and they'll move on to some other weirdo. Problem solved! I think. I might be missing something there. Oh, who cares! It's just a story! This kind of thing doesn't really happen so nobody needs to really think up a way to stop it!

I'm starting to suspect Russ's mouth might be part of his problem as well.

It might be cliche, but I think Russ should become a supervillain! Mostly because his synesthesia would make for a great super power.

On their way home from anti-bully class, Luke and Russ have a run-in with some Gotham Goliaths. Those are gang members and not members of a farm league baseball team. Russ wants to give up his cash like a good victim (plus, giving up cash feels like blowjobs to him) but Luke Fox ain't nobody's mugging victim! Even if the guy has a gun and is threatening to use it. As a twelve year old, you've got to take a stand somewhere, right? Live free or die with some petty cash in your pocket, right? That's the State Motto of Gotham City, right? I've always thought that was a weird name for a state: Gotham City.

Luke beats down the entire gang and then it's Russ's turn to give Luke a few life tips from a professional victim's viewpoint.

See? This is why I said he needed to kill! It's a simple matter of deescalating before things can escalate!

The next week at school, Russ gets tormented and abused until he lashes out and strikes some jerk. That jerk beats the crap out of Russ. Does Russ even feel the beating or does he just smell the overpowering stench of Durian Fruit? Whatever the case, he's well on the road to becoming a Super Villain! He's brilliant and he's ready to strike back. All he needs is for somebody to call him a name so he'll have a moniker! He was called "freak" by the guy that beat him up but that seems too generic for a good super villain name. He might just wind up going with Synesthete.

Russ withdraws from Luke as he plans his costume and theme. And Luke winds up nearly killed by the 99%ers who, I guess, are the gang he beat up on and not the Gotham Goliaths. I guess the Gotham Goliaths actually are the Gotham City Farm League Baseball Team! But Batman saves Luke's life! The real, goshdarned Batman! Talk about your weirdo freaks. Which reminded Luke of his pal, Russ! So Luke rushes home to tell Russ all about his encounter with The Batman!

Good for you, Russ! Now throw that "life is not fair" crap back in their faces! I bet he derives his power from smelling!

Russ heads off to blow up the levee and wash away his school full of bullies. But Luke follows him to try to talk him out of it.

I think Russ faced his problems head on quite nicely. Bravo!

Let me get this straight. It's okay to tell the victims of bullies that life is unfair and that they should learn to defend themselves against the bullies. But what? It's unfair to punish the fucking bullies for doing what they're doing? It's up to the victim to solve the problem as opposed to the headmasters of the school? And it's okay for Luke to react to a bunch of gang members and break their bones and beat the fucking snot out of them but it's not okay for Russ to blow up a levee and drown hundreds of people? Don't you dare tell Russ he's wrong, Luke. He learned you and your Trainer's lessons very fucking well. Life is unfair and now he's dealing with it in an unfair way.

I almost stabbed a bully once. I was one of those kids that would flip out and go insane if people were jerks, so nobody fucked with me because I was unpredictable. But in elementary school, I was in a bowling league on Fridays. There was a bully there named Brian and I guess I did something to piss him off one week because he said if I came back next Friday, I would regret it. So next Friday, I brought a little souvenir knife to school with me to protect myself. And knowing how I used to flip out, I'm sure I would have stabbed him. But someone at school told on me and the knife was taken away and I cried in the principal's office and my grandmother took me home early. But I still went to bowling because fuck anybody telling me what I can and can't do. Anyway, at the end of the round, he started shit with me, I flipped out, and he got kicked out of the league. I could say we're both lucky he didn't get stabbed but, really, he's fucking lucky somebody reported me at school. I suppose a better plan would have been to plant explosives all around the bowling alley and blown everybody sky high. Man, I should have thought that through better!

The police arrive and shit goes down and Luke accidentally triggers the detonator on Russ's bombs, blowing him up and into the reservoir. Luke is arrested although his father probably pulled some strings and had him released with no record of what happened. But Russ's body was never recovered. Because he didn't die! Dun dun DUN!

Russ mentions that Luke Fox named him so I'm guessing he's taken the name "The Victimizer."

Batwing #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I actually read an issue of Batwing without once feeling like I was bored! Good show!