Batwing #18

Come on! I'm not done mourning Robin yet!

If David Zavimbe is killed, am I just supposed to accept the next Batwing because of the stupid super hero name? There's nothing about the character of Batwing that makes a Batwing comic book worth reading. But the character of David Zavimbe makes the book interesting. Well, somewhat interesting. I've still never been completely sold on this book. Maybe a new person and new writers are what is needed! I hope Dawn has another inexplicable change of heart and decides fighting for good is actually what she wants to do and she becomes the next Batwing. But she has that sword creating super power and I'm not sure if people in the Bat-family are allowed to have super powers.

This issue begins with Sky Pirate's ugly ass spaceship, The Flying Dutch Oven, blowing the shit out of Matu's house which is also Batwing's Haven. Matu is inside Haven but I think he'll survive long enough to have a few last words with Batwing.

Sky Pirate was hired by some rich white bastard to kill Batwing because Batwing didn't play by the rules. Sure, he played by the normal rules. The rules I'm talking about are the ones where if somebody has enough money, they don't have to play by the rules. It's the not allowing someone to not play by the rules rule that Batwing wasn't playing by. So he deserved to die. So the guy hired The Sky Pirate.

Looking at Sky Pirate's spaceship which is the size of a small city, I can't even begin to imagine how much money it costs to hire that guy. He must charge a large fortune simply to pay for the ship's fuel and the salaries of the ship's crew and the munitions and the parking fees and the bribes to all the law enforcement and military so that they continue to pretend they don't see this gigantic spaceship shooting the shit out of civilian houses. I would think just paying ten thousand people with guns to shoot at Batwing next time he appeared in the sky would be cheaper.

Sky Pirate isn't much for subtlety. Or research. Since this Matu guy was linked to the Batwing technology Sky Pirate recovered, it must mean Matu was Batwing. Duh! Now pay up!

David ends up in the hospital to find Matu on the edge of death from burns. The Haven is a complete loss which means all of Batwing's technology is destroyed. Hopefully he had the Batman Incorporated Credit Card on his person at the time of the explosion. He must have an emergency Batwing suit somewhere, right? Batman has two or three dozen hidden all over Gotham. Probably.

Meanwhile, Dawn learns why being a mercenary is a stupid idea. Not only does it completely go against the character Judd Winick developed, but it also tends to get a person killed. Instead of getting paid, Marksbury tries to have her killed so that nobody will know where his son is. But he fucks it up and she gets away. Hopefully the first place she'll head is to where Marksubry's son is and beat the fuck out of him.

On his near-death bed, Matu says one thing: Children's Harbor. It's the school for Wayward and Deadly Youths that Matu and Rene created. It's where Dawn and David grew up. And it's where David eventually finds a pod Matu launched out of Haven filled with an emergency Batwing suit!

This suit doesn't make him look fat. It makes him look distorted.

Batwing #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. I guess Fabian's entire run was to simply make Batwing turn away from his refusal to kill and wade back into the war he knew growing up. And since Batman wouldn't approve, I have a feeling Batwing has just quit Batman Incorporated. I still have to wonder how a mercenary like Sky Pirate gets his hands on a ship that dwarfs Jason Todd's ship he stole from Crux.

Worlds' Finest #10

Do I have to start dealing with the reality of Damian's death now?

After Holt Industries sent a bunch of mercenaries to steal back the technology that Power Girl stole from them, Power Girl goes on a rampage destroying a bunch of Holt Industry labs, factories, and research facilities to get even with them for trying to rob her after she robbed them. It all makes sense if you're an arrogant asshole.

Power Girl is like the guy who bumps into another guy on purpose in the hopes that the other guy says something so the first guy feels justified in busting the second guy in the chops. Although she's more like somebody who stole something from someone and then when they try to get their property back, she sues them for harassment on Judge Judy.

Power Girl is trying to make the devastation look like natural disasters. So she somehow creates a lightning storm (or lightening storm for anyone that has learned to spell from the internet) to destroy (or destory) one building and then (or than) she completely goes rogue (or rouge) and loses (or looses) control. Power Girl decides she'll demolish the next building with an earthquake. But that causes a few other minor problems.

To be fair, who would think an earthquake would be such a big problem?

The Huntress decides to take the stealthy approach and breaks into Holt's Los Angeles Headquarters home where he had his main office before he disappeared. His office is still as he left it and it's still guarded by his balls.

After she grabs his balls, she checks under his kimono but doesn't find anything else.

It seems odd that Michael Holt would use Mister Terrific's T-Balls as home security. That would be like Bruce Wayne chucking Batarangs at burglars or Clark Kent punching the head off of an attacker. Why do these fucking heroes care about secret identities when they do everything in their power to expose themselves? And nothing says "exposing yourself" like showing a thief your balls! Sorry. I already made a Michael Holt's balls joke. I should try to raise my standards on this blog.

And then Power Girl calls The Huntress up to tell her that Grant Morrison fucked up their future story plans with Damian. Time to go visit the cemetery (or cemetary (or sematary))!

Karen leaves Helena to mourn alone. Well, to mourn without Power Girl around. You're never alone when you're in Gotham and you're a strange person wearing a strange uniform and you're kneeling over the Batman's son's grave! What I'm trying to say is Batman shows up! But The Huntress is not ready to meet her Second Daddy, so she whistles for a quick rescue from Power Girl.

Now Batman is going to think Damian was dating college women.

While the police investigate the break-in at Holt's house, Aleeka (Holt's assistant with the super smart son that Mr. Terrific was totally jealous of) shows up to tell them to get the fuck out. But they don't accept her authority. They'll only listen to Robot Michael Holt so it's a good thing he shows up to tell them they're not needed. I wonder if Robot Michael Holt is the third smartest robot in the world?

While Power Girl and The Huntress fly home from Gotham, The Huntress decides to ask Power Girl a question.

See, Michael Holt? Your fucking security sold you out. Third smartest person in the world my ass.

Worlds' Finest #10 Rating: No change. Everything in this comic is still status quo. Nothing to see here. Either you like it or you don't. Either you're right or you're wrong. Either you love freedom or you hate America or any of those other dozens and dozens of free countries that don't go around measuring the size of their freedom dong. Either you love kittens or you're a serial cow rapist. You might be thinking, "Hey! I don't love kittens nor do I rape cows serially! There must be other choices!" Nope. You're wrong. These are all either/or statements. How else does the world function if it isn't programmed with either/or statements? And the way they work is if the first statement is false then the second statement must be true. So get to loving kittens, you bovine butt burglar!

Against my better judgment, I'm going to read Channel 52 and be inundated with spoilers! That's how much I love Ambush Bug! I'll even read him when he's just a shill for DC spoiling the plots of future comic books to trump up sales. Here's some non-spoilery panels from Channel 52.

Yes, I write in my fucking comic books.

Superman #17

Hooray! Three cheers for the conclusion of H'el on Earth!

The only problem with H'el on Earth ending is that Scott Lobdell will be starting a new story directly after it!

I hope this Oracle character is super interesting and makes the whole thing worth it. I can't wait to hear what sage wisdom and sugary advice it gives our heroes! Let's dive right in, shall we?

Scott Lobdell begins with an omniscient narrator instead of having a character narrate like he usually does. Perhaps Oracle himself is narrating! Or herself. Or itself. I don't think it had any distinguishing primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The narration is about Superman since he was just flung into space by H'el and was caught by Oracle. But what is Oracle, Narrator?

Aha! That's what Oracle is! He appears when a person fucks with time and says, "Shame! Shaaaaaame!" Except he must have only come into existence due to The Flash fucking with time in Flashpoint since The Oracle didn't appear to The Flash and say, "Shame. Shaaaaaaame!"

The Oracle speaks to Superman in the most confusing way possible: by showing him images of the past and the maybe past and the shouldn't be past. I think it shows Superman in Kryptonian Garb arguing with Normal Looking H'el and maybe Superman in Kryptonian Garb sucking face with his mother. Except I'm probably wrong about all of that because I'm just as confused as Superman!

I hope that wasn't the last we'll see of Oracle! He deserves his own title! It can simply be composed of twenty pages of various panels from DC's Preboot comic books.

Superman shrugs his shoulders because he needs to get back to Earth and stop H'el. Although Superman suddenly doesn't want to stop H'el! I mean, he wants to save the lives of everyone on Earth. But he's suddenly sympathetic to H'el's cause to save Krypton. What a fool! Didn't he learn anything about mucking with time from Superman the Movie? Oh, yeah. I guess he did learn something: go for it because it always works out in the end and doesn't cause anybody any harm.

Batman and the others tell Superman to go save the planet because they're pretty much useless in situations like this. They're just going to sit around the Watchtower pushing buttons and reading monitors and hoping they don't suddenly cease to exist. And while they fiddle about waiting for the end of the world, the Narrator decides to fill the readers in on H'el's plan (just in case they've forgotten after the multiple reminders in every issue of H'el on Earth).

Really? The "imminent" destruction of Krypton? I guess if you have a time machine, everything is imminent! At least Lobdell got the "arctic" part of the story correct. Perhaps the elementary school website I linked to long ago helped him sort out the differences between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Man! I should have quizzed him about that when I met him at the Portland Comic Con!

With Wonder Woman's girl-on-girl advice, Supergirl has finally realized that H'el's sexy shaved upper pubic area is no consolation for his lying, murderous, insane ways! She's decided to help Superboy and Wonder Woman shut down his time travel project.

Speaking of Time Travel, Primer is once again available on Netflix. Anybody reading this that has Netflix, I highly recommend the movie Primer. Good, good time travel stuff.

Superboy is able to destroy H'el's Star Fuel Machine with his Tactile Telekinesis which he finally has the use of again because H'el ripped off the Super Suit that was keeping him from using it. But not in time! Because H'el has a time machine! He can use it to go back in time and stop Superboy from destroying the Star Fuel Machine! Oh, but he doesn't need to. His time machine is all fueled up and ready to go. Now he's just waiting for the navigation system to align with the proper chronus-portal and he'll be off to Krypton, leaving a gaping hole in our solar system and destroying it.

Superman finally comes charging in from space to begin pummeling H'el. What he should be doing is pummeling H'el's time machine because we've seen what happens when Superman goes toe to toe with H'el! Superman can't match all of H'el's amazing powers that really make no sense if he's merely another Kryptonian. He must be something else since he has super teleporting breath and super DNA unraveling vision and super duper super strength. Maybe if Superboy isn't feeling too sick from trying to keep his DNA inside himself, he'll remember to destroy H'el's time machine now that he's destroyed the time machine's fuel source too late.

I wonder where Oracle went?

"Making this up as I go along." We know, Lobdell, we know. I mean Superboy!

The next minor thing that happens is purely idiotic and unnecessary but I think Lobdell just can't help himself at this point.

Oh look! H'el planned it all right down to this moment! Because that's all he's been doing is planning! The revelation isn't even needed. It just makes this moment worse. How about H'el just built a hardy ship that's majorly resistant to physical trauma? That's easy to accept because it only means he took care against Superman trying to stop him. But I think this is Lobdell's way to show why these idiot heroes haven't just smashed the shit out of his ship. Because H'el planned the diversion! Or something. Whatever. Fuck you, Harvest. I mean H'el.

H'el punches Superman off of him and Superboy exclaims he's never seen anything hit that hard in his life. Since Superman only flies a few dozen feet, I guess Superboy didn't see when H'el punched Superman into space.

With that amazing punch that Superman barely felt, H'el gets away and is about to enter his Time Machine when Kara asks him to forgive her and take her with him. Oh baby! How can anybody say no to that sweet face and the Kryptonite you're hiding in your underwear? Come on board!

Oh snap! Didn't plan for that, did you bitch?!

H'el drips blood that burns like acid and reveals that he was keeping the portals open psionically which is why he needed Superboy to free the ship from the Fueling Station. But what does that reveal about H'el? There's no way he's a Kryptonian! Perhaps he was a biological experiment created by Jor-el? Wounded although most likely not mortally, H'el falls backwards through one of the chronus-portals never to be heard from again! Well, as long as Scott Lobdell doesn't keep writing Superman. If Lobdell is still writing Superman around this time next year, I figure H'el will be back around then.

And then I get to have one of those rare moments where I scan in a scene by Lobdell that I really like! Enjoy this rare moment!

Such a well-written scene!

No, no. Just kidding! Although I should have saved that shot for the "THE END OF H'EL ON EARTH" Supergirl Bum Shot! Here's the real scene:

That'll happen when you hide Kryptonite in your hoo-ha.

Afterward, The Oracle wishes it could cheer because Superman didn't do anything Superman wasn't supposed to do anyway and has always done no matter how many times The Oracle experiences it. Except apparently time has changed because Lobdell says, "The past has been changed" in the teaser box for next issue. Also because H'el did make it back to Krypton with the Kryptonite stuck in his chest and without his time machine space ship.

So basically H'el spent all those years planning a plan that he didn't even need? He didn't need to suck up our solar system's energy to fuel his ship to travel back in time and through space. He simply had to open a chronus-portal and jump the fuck through all by himself. Fuck, he's an idiot.

Superman #17 Rating: Let's do some math to figure out how I'll change the Ranking! I'll give it a +1 for the Supergirl stabbing H'el in the chest with the Kryptonite. And I'll give it another +1 for the homage to Crisis on Infinite Earths! It'll get another +1 for the leaving it up to her baby cousin line! That's +3 Rankings so far! But it'll get a -1 for the stupid ass build up to the Oracle that fucking did nothing. It gets a -1 for the stupid ass plan by H'el which completely failed and yet still delivered him to Krypton. It gets a -1 for stupid ass time travel post Flashpoint. So now it's even! Oh! It gets a -1 for Batman feeling Superman punch H'el all the way up in the satellite and Batman NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! Are you trying to make Batman look stupid, Mr. Lobdell?! So that means Superman gets a -1 Ranking this month! And that's simply because I'm being fucking kind. How dare you pull that Oracle shit, Mr. Lobdell. How. Fucking. Dare. You. Build up this bullshit character for months and then have it do absolutely nothing except make Superman think, "Great. Real helpful, that."

Fuck you.

Red Lanterns #17

Krona Unleashed!

Atrocitus has traveled to the original planet of the Guardians of the Universe, Maltus. He's stumbled upon the ghost of Krona or the holographic projection of Krona or the time trapped brainwaves of Krona or some being doing a Krona Puppet Show. Somehow and someway, Atrocitus is going to speak with Krona and maybe find out some secrets about Volthoom, The First Lantern.

Oh yeah! Duh! Electric echo!

Krona's electric echo tells Atrocitus why they should be best friends forever or at least until the electrical echo degrades. Why wouldn't they be friends? They both have so much in common! They both had wives (Krona more than Atrocitus). They both had children! They both had their families wiped out by monsters! Sure, Krona was the monster that wiped out Atrocitus's family, but come on! Let bygones be bygones! That was a long time ago before Krona had become an electric echo living inside a sphincter television set. Living conditions like that change a guy!

Atrocitus is too angry to listen to the secrets I'm sure Krona was about to tell him even as Atrocitus walks away feeling pity for Krona. I think Atrocitus needs a tune-up to his hot lava blood. He just doesn't rage as much as the leader of the Red Lantern Corps should rage.

Atrocitus digs into the center of Maltus to find what he came to find: The Great Heart. I have no idea what that is. I mean, I see what it is on a big double splash page. It's a big glowing ball thing on top of a big tower in a buried city. But I have no idea why the Guardians of the Universe have something called The Great Heart and why it was abandoned on their ancient homeworld.

While Atrocitus is examining the Great Heart, Krona meets a new possible best friend forever.

I want to learn more about these Electric Echoes and the Sphincter Holes. Is this the Guardians' Afterlife?

Meanwhile on Earth, Rankorr is still trying to be human. Now he's using his construct power to try to disguise himself as the human he once was. This boy needs to let go already.

As Atrocitus nears the Great Heart, he meets some new robot friends. They guard the Great Heart which is the receptacle for all of the Guardians' emotions. But those with emotions are not allowed to approach it. The robots can help drain a person of their emotions if the person accepts. So Atrocitus considers it as his Squadron of Manhunters are free to pass. That seems like a flaw in security. Just because someone is emotionless, it doesn't mean they won't vandalize your Great Heart! Robots don't have emotions but they can be programmed to smash shit, right?

The Great Heart is leaking emotions all over the place which is why Atrocitus is displaying other emotions besides rage. But his Manhunters tessellate all over the Great Heart so that it stops affecting Atrocitus and he can get back to Plan A: Get mad and barf on stuff.

Apparently Cats and Red Lanterns have the same modus operandi.

Atrocitus destroys his new robot pals and is about to head off and give the emotions back to the Guardians when Volthoom appears. I don't know what Atrocitus is going to do with the emotion-filled Great Heart now that the Third Army is dead. Maybe he can feed it to the Inversions. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Next issue, Atrocitus is going to have to take a walk down memory lane with Volthoom.

Red Lanterns #17 Rating: No change. I have a feeling this Great Heart thing has been dealt with before in the Preboot. But what about the Electric Echoes and the Sphincter Televisions that make up what is seemingly The Guardians' afterlife? Is that new?

Justice League Dark #17

Terrific cover. Except, of course, for the copy. I know the creative team on the book doesn't add the words to the covers, so who does? Who is in charge to put that fucking inane tripe on so many comic book covers?

Here is the copy from just three of the comic books from the last two weeks:

Justice League Dark: "Trapped in the lab from Hell!"
Talon: "Trapped in the depths of Gotham!"
Green Lantern: "Trapped in the land of death!"

I'm sure if it were another week, there might have been three or four "UNLEASHED" super heroes as well. Mostly that kind of thing doesn't really bother me because it isn't like a comic book cover is going to be hung on a wall as a print what with the UPC Bar Code and the cover price and the stupid flapping DC Comics logo. But I think most readers will agree the copy doesn't ever add anything to the book. Look at Batman Incorporated #8! Lose the fucking R.I.P. on the cover and I might have still been surprised by the death of Robin. But (and this really fucking pisses me off) corporations don't give a fuck about the people already handing over their money. Who fucking cares if loyal readers are surprised? We need more fucking money so put Robin's death right there on the fucking cover and in the stupid fucking 52 News Comic in the back so we can sell more fucking comic books to the people that don't really give a shit about reading Batman Incorporated. But they'll definitely want the Death of Robin in their collection! This happens all the time with television shows as well but mostly I don't watch any of those shows. I just laugh at their stupid fucking commercials that spoil the episode every week for loyal viewers simply to get other viewers interested. Fuck you, you douchebags. How about thinking up another way to sell your stupid show or book than by ruining it for the fanbase? Dicks.

I don't know how anybody trusts any major corporation at all. It always confuses me when people have brand loyalty. You realize the corporation doesn't give a fuck about you, right? If they gave a crap about anything besides the bottom line, they wouldn't try to gain your business by telling half-truths in their adverts asterisked half to death with footnotes changing the reality and meaning of the fucking lie they printed in bold print.

How many of y'all are old enough to remember Fight Back! with David Horowitz? That guy was one of my heroes as a kid. Sure, challenging the veracity of commercials was akin to tilting windmills. But at least somebody was out there sticking it to these corporations that feel the only way people will buy their products are if they lie to and manipulate buyers. David Horowitz taught me about transparency and I never forgot that lesson. If a company has to hide their business practices or massage the truth to earn a buck, they're not worth shit. Fucking David Horowitz. I wish he were here today to single-handedly roam the country like a 21st century Kwai Chang Caine kicking the asses of every member of every local news station so they'd get their act together and stop simply reporting spoon fed bullshit from press releases and start doing some fucking investigations of their own.

I wonder how much David Horowitz was paid by Orville Redenbacher Popcorn for that episode I linked to?! In my mind, it wouldn't even matter if David Horowitz had been corrupt and just a corporate shill because he didn't get me to go buy "honest" products. I was just a kid! But he did teach me valuable lessons about advertising and corporate corruption. Maybe he was simply paid by the Communists to spread anti-capitalist propaganda! If so, good job, Communists. Good job! Although I don't think Communists in the late seventies and early eighties understood the value of entertainment programming and production. If this had been Communist propaganda, he probably would have shown Orville's popcorn fail and then burned an effigy of Orville Redenbacher filled with his popcorn. "Die, capitalist pig and your bourgeois butter flavored popping treats!"

You know, I had in mind beginning this commentary discussing the things I liked about this cover and holy fuck did I take a wrong turn! What I was going to say was, "The look on Frank's face is awesomest!"

This issue of Justice League Dark begins with Madame Xanadu realizing how fucking useless she is. If your primary ability is to see the future and the future constantly turns out different than what you see, are you really helping to save the world and keep it from being destroyed or are your visions just always fucking wrong?!

Yeah, you dumb psychic fraud. I'm on to you!

Did I already mention how last issue both Faerie and Earth Prime were about to tear themselves apart because of the connection between them made by Dr. Mist's portal? Well that was happening. And it looks like the only way to stop this sudden venting of chaotic magic is to get Zatanna and Tim Hunter to cast as many spells as they possibly can and act as a kind of emergency release valve for the pressure. Dr. Peril figures this out but he's on the wrong side of the portal to let Zatanna know the plan. So Tim Hunter's dad, whose thinking is probably still a bit muddled from ejaculating on the Books of Magic, volunteers to cross over and deliver the message. Also the message might be something completely different than my speculation about the emergency release valve since the scene ended before Dr. Peril tells it to Mr. Hunter.

Meanwhile on Faerie, Timothy Hunter has gone all Harry Potter on everyone. Which is to say Timothy Hunter has gone all Timothy Hunter since Harry Potter was such a blatant rip-off of Timothy Hunter! Just saying!

Harry Potter and the Dragon's Dick? Harry Potter and the Army of Fairies? Harry Potter and the Woman Who Said "TNUC YM KCIL!"?

The fairies and ogres and goblins and kobolds and minotaurs and centaurs and beholders...no wait! Not beholders because they're intellectual property of Wizards of the Coast and I wouldn't want to be sued by Wizards of the Coast for fucking with their intellectual property, would I? [As an aside before I get back to my list of creatures, Lord Fondlerot (the minotaur in the previous link) is one of my favorite characters I've ever created. When he first appears in Dwarf Lover, he does the Dick in a Box thing (not an actual dick! Fondlerot's junk is actually a piece of driftwood!). But that was before the SNL video Dick in a Box. I'm not saying Andy Samberg stole the idea from Lord Fondelrot. I'm fucking typing it.] Back to my list of monsters...ah screw it! All those monsters and the ones I didn't list have finally decided to stop cowering in the woods and attack the capital city of Sciencetonia.

Meanwhile in the Science Labs, the cover turns out to be a big lie! Everybody is in the tentacular interrogation machine except Frank!

Frank's truth? "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!" SMASH BANG CRASH KILL!

In the interrogation room, Xanadu realizes that all her years are finally catching up to her and she's going to die. So she does one last reading for John.

So Xanadu's great power is to tell John that he's a selfish twat that will do anything to survive? She's the worst! Any one of John's companions could have given that reading!

John and his friends escape the lab to find a way out of the city while Tim Hunter and his army begin their attack on the city. I think Tim Hunter's father got lost somewhere in the portal.

Justice League Dark #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now that Infernal Core has left the fucking building, this comic is back on track! Stop using the better comics for ulterior purposes, DC! Can't the editors at DC distinguish between good writing and bad writing? Don't you think they'd just "UNLEASH!" the good writers instead of leaving them "TRAPPED!" in an editorial quagmire?

Talon #5

Ugh. No more Court of Owls!

If I were to give up one comic book in The New 52, it would be this one. It's not because of the quality. There are far worse comic books than this one that I'm currently reading. But I'm just so fucking sick of the Court of Owls. I'm just not interested in them anymore! And because they're supposed to be some kind of super mega-evil syndicate whose influences reach across all space and time, I don't see them going anywhere any time soon. If only Calvin Rose could defeat them and move on with his life to fight petty criminals like Night Rat or Garter Snake, maybe even Tiny Poodle. But until that happens, it's just going to be Court of Owls, Talons, Escape, Court of Owls, Talons, Escape, ad nauseum.

Before I could begin my ramblings about how Batman should have his little bat hairs in a bunch over this Talon shit going on around him, I picked up the comic to see that Batman has his little bat hairs in a bunch over this Talon shit. He's trying to get Nightwing interested too but Nightwing's not biting.

Well, not at first he isn't. I supposed Dick recognizes him from his associations with Haly's Circus.

Calvin and Casey and her daughter have settled down in Gotham City since the battle with the Gotham Butcher. It's taken two weeks for Calvin to heal but now he's ready to start his crusade again and Casey wants to help. They're ready to destroy Securitus, Casey's father's company that the Court of Owls took over. Taking over the company was the reason they wanted her and her daughter killed, so nobody would step forward claiming a right to the company. But now it's one of the Court's biggest assets and Sebastian believes it should be their next target and Casey has no problem destroying it. As long as the Court of Owls can't have it, she'll be satisfied.

The Gotham Butcher has also returned to Gotham to hunt down Calvin Rose. I thought he'd be out of the action for a few issues at least. If he fails, what will the Court of Owls do next? This was their most vile Talon of all! They've blown their load on this guy. I guess that's a good thing for me! Get rid of this asshole and maybe the Court of Owls disappears and Calvin Rose has to begin dealing with bad guys like The Owl Pellet and Feral Cat.

Or maybe the Court will piss The Butcher off themselves and he'll turn on them! If only John Constantine were here to get that ball rolling.

The Securitus building is a towering glacier-like structure located in Gotham Harbor. It's different from the squat glacier-like structure located in Gotham Harbor which is the Iceberg Casino. It's impenetrable. Electrified surfaces. Turbines under the water that drag down any ship getting too close. DNA recognition alarms. The inside layout is a complete mystery. Casey's father was about as loony as Mrs. Winchester, it seems. But Casey's father's ghosts were real. And they weren't ghosts. They were owls!

You know, since that wasn't a revelation to anyone, I think I just wasted an exclamation point.

While Casey is telling the story, she says something that Calvin picks up on which makes it sound like they aren't going to have to break in after all (well, maybe a little bit!). Her father designed the computers to complete wipe themselves if the place were bombed. So that's all Calvin needs to do! Drop a bomb!

Meanwhile The Butcher of Gotham relieves some stress.

Once Talon's plan is set in motion, it makes me think he might have to set the bomb off from inside. He manages to swim through the undertow creating turbines while they're off by hitching an underwater tow ride underneath a Securitus Boat headed toward the island.

I wish I had a story about how I once infiltrated a high security building with my elite Escaperotomy Skills but the closest I've ever come to that is drunkenly sneaking past trucks picking up grain at a factory in Los Banos one night, sneaking up the side of the building to enter the factory on the catwalks above the darkness, and running off with a fire extinguisher. Ocean's 11 it was not. I guess I also climbed over the wrought-iron spiked fence of the Carmelite Monastery in Santa Clara (which I grew up directly across the street from) and padded about their library. That, also, was a drunken escapade. Go figure.

Anyway, things don't work out so great for Calvin Rose.

I'm glad the Carmelites didn't have this kind of security.

Talon #5 Rating: No change. I keep hoping something will ignite my interest in this comic. But until then, I can't really judge it one way or the other. It isn't bad, so I won't drop it in ranks. And it might be good, but I just don't care.

I, Vampire #17

Isn't Constantine's ego already big enough? Do you have to declare him Earth's last, best hope as well?

Why do you suppose DC changed the title of I...Vampire in the Preboot era to I, Vampire in the Reboot era? Not that I care. Both of them suck. Maybe I, Vampire and my Blog were mixed up in this timeline. I think it should be "Eee! Vampire!" and "I, Tess Ate Chai Tea." Except then my blog name loses all of its attitude and charm and hidden swearing. Although "Eee! Vampire!" sounds like a fun book.

At the end of last issue, Andrew Bennett had taken over The House of Mystery and evicted John Constantine. That might be a problem for most of this issue but I have a feeling the real owner of The House of Mystery might show up to set things right. You know? Cain the Original Vampire? Now, he's not the Preboot Cain, obviously. But he very well may have the same relationship to The House of Mystery that that Cain had. Not that Cain is really much of a solution to anything unless it serves his own interests. So until John Constantine can do that thing he always does where he convinces his enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests, John is going to have to figure out on his own how to boot the squatters from his house.

I think these were my downstairs neighbors a few years ago. At one point I had a housemate I called "The Troll" and at another point, there was "Dead Boy."

John has enough magic power to drive the wolf vampire squatters back inside the House of Mystery. John's companions charge after them while John finishes his cigarette. Then he heads in too. But now that they've all entered the House of Mystery at slightly different moments, they're going to find themselves in all sorts of weird rooms and situations all by themselves! Remember Frank and Amy and Orchy and their run through the House? I think this will be a lot like that! Except with Wolfy Vampire Squatters!

Professor John runs into his lesbian grandmother. Virgin Bloody Mary winds up in a room full of the animated corpses of all of her previous meals. Deborah Dancer finds herself with zombified Mishkin (her lover the dog was named after). And John finds himself alone with Tig with his first opportunity to convince an enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests!

Constantine continues on the next page, "Well, kid...I suppose you should do something about that." These are my favorite moments when doing these commentaries. When something I mentioned earlier about a character actually proves out a few pages later. Although it can only be done when a writer knows his craft and allows the characters to be themselves. You'll never see me correctly guessing how one of Scott Lobdell's characters is going to act!

While the good guys are involved in their little House of Mystery detours, Puppy Mishkin and the two lesser members of Andrew Bennett's team, the magic vampire and the Van Helsing's artifact librarian, are busy doing some magic rituals involving the brick from the Tower of Babel. The librarian says something in Runespeak but he fucks it up so I don't know if his spell is going to work. He says, "Sere's the damn Runespeak again." Pretty sure he meant to say "here's" instead of "sere's". Dumb dumb!

During the ritual, guess who appears easily enough inside the House of Mystery? Oh, you don't have to guess. You know I always make the right call!

I forget what Constantine told Cain last issue but whatever it was, he may have already convinced Cain to help out.

The ritual being performed is one which will open a gateway to Hell. Cain is here to use the portal himself and bring his bride Lilith back to Earth. And he's more than powerful enough to get through these newly vampired yahoos.

Meanwhile, Professor John's grandmother has turned into a lesbian octopus flailing on the floor. She's just a distraction anyway. Andrew Bennett is John's real problem.

Holy shit! Is that how gay sex always ends?!

Constantine must have convinced Tig that he didn't kill her father because instead of being dead when he next appears, he's wandering in on Virgin Bloody Mary covered in writhing corpses. He saves her and then binds Andrew Bennett to the wall before heading off to close the portal to Hell.

This comic book might as well be the first issue of Constantine. Or the last issue of Hellblazer. Maybe it's the bridging story.

By the final page, it seems like Constantine fails to close the portal before Lilith comes through. None of that is shown though so it may not be too late. It could be Cain merely jumping the gun. But that's secondary news. The real ending is when Virgin Bloody Mary kisses Andrew Bennett and he bites her lip to begin sucking her blood to change her back to normal Bloody Mary! But he doesn't get to finish the process before my sweet baby Tig comes back into the story.

Apparently Tig is a huge nerd.

I, Vampire #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Two of the supporting characters were killed in this one? Feels like they're closing up shop! I just hope Tig survives and winds up in Green Arrow where she can once again be drawn by Sorrentino and I can continue to crush hard on her.