Justice League of America #7

Terrorstrike is a near perfect name for a guy whose super power is teleporting into anal.

Once again, DC Comics screws up by not putting Lobo on the cover. I will admit that there are probably some Killer Frost fans, and there are probably some Ryan Choi fans (mostly because Gail Simone and Grant Morrison created him to be the biggest and yet tiniest sex pervert in history (unless I read his debut story wrong (I don't think I did. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, after all))). But if you put them all on one side of a scale (it would have to be a really big scale but not for those fans. The scale would have to be big for the next part of this statement. Hold your horses!) and put all of the Lobo fans on the other side of the scale (see? That's why you need such a large scale! I told you it was coming!), the world would end because that comparison is practically like dividing zero by infinity. So good job, asshole. Maybe don't try that thought experiment for real next time.

This issue begins with Batman showing Xeno his penis. He's all, "You see the size of this penis? It's a big fucking penis, right? I bet yours is microscopic compared to this penis." Xenos asks, "Why are you showing me your penis?" Batman smirks and says, "A penis this size? It means you listen to the person it's attached to." Xeno pulls out his penis and it's just as big. "Looks like we're both in charge, buddy!" he laughs. Meanwhile Ray masturbates furiously in the shadows.

The Atom and Killer Frost take a field trip to the Museum of Unnatural History. It's in Manhattan and it's full of unnatural things like sex between two men and uncircumcised penises. That was a joke for my conservative and religious followers. Sometimes they like to laugh too! I know that seems outrageous judging by how none of them seem to be amused by anything whimsical but I suspect everybody likes to laugh. I sometimes think the real anger filling conservatives is that they don't have anybody funny on their side. Mike Huckabee wants to be that guy but the only jokes they know how to make are ones that feature the word "libtard." It's tough when they can't laugh at being caught in the shower by their grandmother with a dildo halfway up their butthole. That's a moment where their life is completely ruined. Whereas if you're on the left, you now have a funny story to tell all of your friends! It's so much more fun being liberal. I really pity those other humorless assholes. I mean, if you found a joke about two men having sex being unnatural funny, you're not actually laughing at a joke. There's no joke there! The joke isn't, "Oh yeah! That's funny because God would kill the fuck out of them for that! So unnatural!" The joke is that some people think that two men having sex can somehow be unnatural! It's not like my dick was made by Big Oil. I was born with it! If I choose to stick it in the asshole of a man who was also born with that asshole, it couldn't be more natural. Now if I fucked a robot's asshole, that would be unnatural and disgusting.

This paragraph is even less about the comic book then the last few paragraphs, so you busy people who don't have time for sidebar bullshit can skip it. Anyway, my Twitter feed is currently suggesting I follow these people: Sue Perkins, Alan Carr, and Romesh Ranganathan. I'm not sure why I don't currently follow them anyway! For once, Twitter, you've actually been helpful with your intrusive bullshit. You're like a little kid constantly vying for attention while I'm busy trying to feed a starving puppy. If you're wondering what the starving puppy was doing in that metaphor, it was representative of my sensitive ego.

I did have to click back to Twitter to make sure I spelled Romesh's last name right but I think I'll remember it forever now. It only uses one vowel! How hard is that to remember?

After I followed them, Twitter was all, "Oh? You like those guys? How about Paul Hollywood?" Oy. Go fuck yourself, Twitter. I'm sorry I ever engaged you.

Anyway, Killer Frost and The Atom are looking for a cure for her body's inability to regulate its temperature. I mean a different cure than lying on a rock in a sun like a lizard.

I don't get it. Why doesn't Killer Frost just get into a lesbian relationship with Fire? Problem fucking solved!

Three pages in and so far Terrorstrike's penis has not teleported itself into anybody's anal cavity. I bet this cover was one of those lying covers that never show the actual truth of the story!

Terrorstrike does arrive but not by anal teleportation (I fucking knew it was too good to be true!). Instead he just walks up to the entrance of the Unnatural History Museum, explains that he wants to see the Jackalope, exposes the cat on his shoulder hidden beneath his hoodie, and murders the guards. No wait! He refrains from murder because he needs to explain his origin story and then his motive for being in this comic book. The guards area all, "Um, hey, dude? Could you back off? Nobody cares about aliens ejaculating into your central nervous system as much as you think they should. It's probably why your wife and son can't stand you." If I were one of the guards, I'd probably just let him see the jackalope. But then I'm a terrible employee who never feels loyalty to my employer simply because they're paying me to expend precious moments of my finite life doing things they want me to do.

The cover lied in another way: this guy's name is Terrorsmith. That's worse than Terrorstrike! No wonder nobody notices or respects him! You don't stick the most boring last name in the English language onto a fear invoking concept if you want to demand respect. Terrorstrike could work. Terrorsmith just means a lot of people are going to respond, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Smith. But I'm kind of busy here."

I suppose if Bloodlines had been more interesting, I would remember more about Terrorsmith. I think I do have his appearance in Showcase '94 but I probably haven't read it since, um, you know...1994.

Terrorsmith turns the guards into monsters. Get it? He creates terrors! Although can you really call two monsters attacking a museum terrors? It's not like they have brown skin and yelled "Allahu akbar!" That was another joke for my conservative readers! Of course, the real joke is that conservatives and the media seems to only think that terrorism is terrorism if the attackers are Muslim. If terrorism is committed by a black guy, it's gang violence. If it's a white guy, it's mental illness or loner who has no fucking connection with other white guys just because he's white and stop being ridiculous because guns are good and shut up. See how jokes work, Internet Scolds? It might seem like I'm saying, "Hey! Muslims are terrorists who are worse than Terrorsmith's monsters!" But what I'm actually saying is, "Hey! Why the fuck do people continue to only use the term 'terrorism' when Muslim attackers are involved? Seems like an agenda there, no?"

I love when people use vulgar in the way most people don't read the word vulgar. Also I love Lobo.

Lobo is busy beating up another alien in a casino somewhere while Black Canary shrugs and sighs and looks askance at the camera as the end credits roll.

Terrorsmith has a whole cadre of monster cats that follow him around. Did I use cadre correctly? Sometimes I wish I had an editor because Googling takes too long. It's easier to just ignore an editor when they say, "You can't say so many offensive things!" But they also know all the words I don't know. So sometimes they're useful.

During the battle with Terrorsmith's monsters, The Atom crashes into an Unnatural History display of Dr. Sivana's fossilized time pills. Oh, that's convenient! I mean, I don't know how it's convenient but I'm pretty sure it will wind up being convenient. I wish he'd crashed into the display just to the right where they keep Dr. Sivana's time suppositories.

Killer Frost moves in to stop Terrorsmith alone. That's because he can't turn her into a monster since she already thinks of herself as a monster. That's like that time that woman touched me and tried to turn me into a God and I didn't change because I'm an atheist and apparently we all believe we're God. Or something. I don't really understand Christians who think they're smart instead of dull when they say that. How does not believing in gods suddenly turn into believing that I'm my own god? I just said I don't believe in God but I do believe in myself! If I thought I was my own God, that would be a paradox, dum-dum!

If the idea that atheists think they're their own God comes down to the fact that they believe they're in control of their lives and their decisions then Christians think they're their own God as well. They make decisions all the time whether or not they point to the sky and wink sexily at God for the help. They especially make their own decisions when they decide that there are certain ideas in The Bible or aspects of church dogma that they can live without acknowledging.

Anyway, I only like to associate with people who can determine right from wrong without somebody else having to explain it to them. I'm fairly certain a good percentage of religious people who believe the only way somebody can know right from wrong is through religion are sociopaths. Because I've never been taught religion but I was raised in a house constantly full of cats and learned a good deal about love and empathy which stand in as pretty good markers for determining whether an action is right or wrong. Sure some actions are ambiguous. And some are judgment neutral, like masturbation. If you don't think masturbation is a right/wrong neutral action, you've probably been told how to feel about it. How can you tell if making and eating a sandwich is right or wrong? I guess it depends on what's in the sandwich and what religion's list of acceptable food products you go by. It's so much easier being an atheist! Nobody ever tells me my peanut butter and semen sandwich will send me to Hell. No wait. Everybody does. That was a poor example.

The Atom never gets to use his time pills because Frost's plan of threatening Terrorsmith with an agonizing death works to get him to change the guards back. Killer Frost is all, "Terrorsmith couldn't hurt me because I already see myself as a monster!" And The Atom is all, "But my penis doesn't think that! I mean my brain! I'm not trying to save you simply because I want to have sex with you! I mean, I want to have sex with you, I do! But I don't want my dick to freeze off when we do it. So I sort of have to save you! But I'd also want to save you if you were a man too! But then I wouldn't want to have sex with you! So you can see how I probably should have shut up and never opened my mouth at all and just went about trying to help you because you're my friend. I mean, we can be more than friends if you want, of course. You know? To do the sex!"

Don't worry, Frost. He's a guy. He's totally interested. I mean, he'd wrap a jellyfish around his dick if somebody said it felt as good as fucking.

Terrorsmith winds up in Belle Reve where maybe — just maybe! — he'll become fodder for the Suicide Squad. I know they generally don't like working with villains who aren't super popular these days. But at some point, they're going to need to kill somebody or the name is going to lose all meaning (if it hasn't fucking already). There's probably a generation of youths who can't figure out why the fuck the comic is called Suicide Squad.

Youth: "So they, like, all want to die or something?"
Elder: "No, no! It's just the missions are so dangerous that it's practically suicide to go on them!"
Youth: "Wait. The missions are dangerous? Since when?!"
Elder: "Well, I mean, that's the premise."
Youth: "You're shitting me, right?"
Elder: "Don't swear. And stop smoking in front of me. And stop having sex outside of marriage!"
Youth: "Well why don't you stop being racist and homophobic?!"
Elder: "Touché, young one! Touché! You have taught me this day!"

This issue did not have enough Lobo for my $2.99.

Vixen Rebirth #1

What animal do you think Vixen channels when she shits?

Vixen is a superhero that I think could easily have made it on the Doom Patrol. I know they sort of already had Beast Boy so maybe that's why she didn't make the cut. Another reason she didn't make the cut was that she has control over which animal she wants to channel at any one time. If she were really Doom Patrol material, she'd probably still have control over what animal she channels but she'd be even more like the animal and it would be harder to get back to a human state. Also, she would flip into animal behavior easier. So if she were being interviewed for a job, Vixen would have to be really careful not to think of an owl because standing on the back of the chair and tilting your head from side to side ominously before diving at the interviewer's pen probably would cause her to lose the job. Unless that's what the job was for. Then boom! Job acquired!

Not that Mari McCabe (Vixen!) would ever need to go out on a job interview. She's an internationally renowned model! People are dying to see her walk with a dress on! They pay big money for that kind of talent. I know that kind of sounded like I was mocking models and I probably was. But not because I don't think what they do isn't useful. I mean, I do think what they do isn't useful. But I would never mock them for that! I totally want a job doing things that aren't useful! I was kind of mocking them because people who think of the job as something serious take it way too seriously. Sure, there are people on the other end who think it's the stupidest thing in the world and nobody should ever do it. I think that is a poor attitude! Just because something somebody does is stupid that's no reason to decry its very existence. If people are willing to pay money for something, other people will do that thing no matter how many people believe there's no reason for that thing to exist. I'm not into fashion so I don't give a fuck about modeling. But I don't care that modeling exists. It doesn't affect me at all! Sometimes it even helps me because a fashion trend might accidentally line up with the moth-eaten potato sack look with jeans style that I totally rock! It would be nice if people thought I was trendy for once.

So, um, anyway, I totally wasn't mocking modeling. But I was jealously kind of mocking it because wouldn't it be nice to be so good looking you only have to learn to walk a certain way with a certain look on your face and maybe turn around and walk back? Of course you have to be good looking in the way that the people doing fashion and have all the money think is good looking at the time. That's kind of a crap shoot, really. Obviously modeling is a job just like any other job and most people hate being at their jobs. Not always because the job sucks. I imagine modeling can be pretty fun if you're the kind of person who doesn't stress out over every little thing. But it's still a job where somebody else is telling you where you have to be for how many hours and you have to be there even if you'd rather be home playing Overwatch. I guess if your job was staying at home to play Overwatch and you liked doing that, it would be okay. Like, if I actually got paid for writing terrible shit about people's efforts in the comic book industry, I'd probably enjoy that. But that's really about it. Maybe I'd also like to get paid to shit all over people's religions.

The issue begins with Mari McCabe on a talk show called "Impossible...But True!" That stupid title is impossible but true.

Host Angela Chen is an asshole.

I can't imagine this is the first time Angela Chen has ambushed a guest on her show. My guess is that this is her show. So why would anybody go on it? This person might be hurt and angry about their life but how does that mean Mari McCabe is in any way responsible? Why do people like television where people just yell and scream at each other? Fine, I like some television like that! But certainly not the kind that pretends they're doing something meaningful or helping in any way other than helping people who love to jerk off to drama on daytime television. I like shows where people fight like Big Brother because nobody is pretending putting a bunch of narcissists into a house with each other is doing something beneficial. They know it's just to see them fuck and fight and flip out! But what kind of journalism does Angela Chen think she's up to? "This week, I'll destroy the reputation of somebody who is known for doing good by having one person who has a beef with her on the show to yell at her and expose her flaws of not completely helping everybody who thinks they deserve her help! BOOM! Ratings! I mean, better world!"

Goddammit! My rant made me miss a better caption for that picture! I just realized what that girl screamed: "What were you doing that was more important than my mom?" Giggle giggle snicker snicker nudge nudge.

Mari decides she's going to help this bitter little asshole of a girl who thinks she deserves her help. Fucking entitled brat. But, I guess that's what makes Mari a hero and me just a bitter, middle-aged man writing about comic books as I sit in my underwear and stroke my cat.

Mari takes this young girl's words to heart because she lost her mother at an early age as well. She saw her butchered in front of her eyes by some warlord named Kwesi in her home in Zambesi. I chose the word "butchered" because that's how people die in Africa, at least according to every issue of The New 52 Batwing. I suppose sometimes they're also massacred. Batwing's brother even took the name Massacre! Her mother passed down the Tantu Totem but the flashback doesn't get to the part where Mari accepts it yet. She's being a stubborn teenager who doesn't believe in magic. Mari doesn't even don the totem until she decides to help the girl who yelled at her on television.

Mari tracks the girl's mother to a cave where a man named Spiderbite has imprisoned every member of the jury who convicted him of murder. Mari defeats him easily because this is just a single issue story. Heroes only have trouble when the story has to go at least two parts. Then they have to fail before they can succeed or else the entire second half of the story will be denouement. And you can only have so much denouement before readers get antsy.

After a few public heroic acts, Mari returns to jerko Angela's show to introduce the world to Vixen. The subsequent yawn threatens to destroy the world.

What Did We Learn?
We learned Vixen is back and she's going to be in the Justice League of America! Oh, did you learn something else about responsibility and legacies? Well, I can't help what you decided to learn after reading a funny book and taking it too seriously. That's your problem.

The Ranking!
I don't rank one-shots! Unless I do! Then I should have said, "I'm not ranking these JLA one-shots!"