Trinity #7

Since Cullen Bunn blocked me on Twitter because he can't handle the truth, can somebody let me know if he calls me an asshole for this review?

I don't even know if my review is going to be good or bad but, based on experience, it's going to be a shitshow. So I'll probably be called an asshole or some jerk trying to get attention from a famous writer who has little self-esteem and can't handle a few jokes about how terrible he writes. For all I know, he writes a fabulous X-Men story! Although usually Marvel and DC put the shittiest writers on the properties they know will sell well no matter how poorly they're written. Unless the property is Batman or Wolverine. You don't want to dilute Momma's money makers!

I just noticed Cullen Bunn was on the cover of this comic book!

I haven't even opened the cover of this book yet but I can see the great spark of inspiration which generated the story within. Cullen Bunn was probably sitting at the kitchen table listening to one of his frog podcasts when he thought, "This new book DC wants me to write is about the Trinity? What if I take a look at the Trinity through the funhouse mirror of their most dangerous nemeses?! That's probably never been done...oh no! Not again!" His thought was interrupted because he shit himself.

How can I block Cullen Bunn from seeing my reviews of his books so he doesn't get his feelings hurt? I'd like to spare him the psychic pain and self-reflection which might cause him to think, "Maybe I should put a little more effort into my writing?" People criticize my writing all the time but I have no capacity for self-reflection so I don't worry about putting more effort into my writing. No wait. Did I say "more effort"? I mean "any effort"!

This story is called "The New Pandoras." That probably means the story will examine how superheroes are supposed to be inspirations offering hope to mankind but they really just cause a lot of trouble by existing because comic book writers have fucking shit all over the reason superheroes meant anything to anybody in the first place. It also might be about a new group of girls down at the local strip club who all thought using the name "Pandora" would be cool and hilarious. You know, because they have hope in their boxes.

If I were female and a stripper, I would have danced under the name Medea. Although I know an ex-stripper who sometimes used the name Pandora and all the horny idiots watching her dance thought she was Pantera. So I imagine if I used the name Medea, everybody would think I took the name from Tyler Perry's drag character.

The story begins with Lex Luthor and Ra's al Ghul encountering each other in an ancient crypt.

"We're both bad guys so I guess we should fight now?" "Hold on! Let's let the story play out! Sometimes bad guys work together! And we're still missing Wonder Woman's nemesis!"

The pages preceding this moment where Lex boldly says the cue to bring the third player on stage consists of a rambling pissing contest. I suppose it's for the reader's benefit to show that the ego of each of these characters is too large for either to back down from a challenge. Not that there's a challenge here. Ra's had a dream and arrived. Lex hasn't stated why he's here. I'm sure Circe will explain it when she walks out of the shadows on the next page.

Right on cue!

What does she mean, "Yes, that Circe"? The one with the great ass?

Circe explains that she brought them to this cave to take a dunk in the Pandora Pits. They're some pools of filthy water that are supposed to house powerful evil released by Pandora. But this evil was too frightened of mankind and so hid in these pits. How powerful could it have been if it ran and hid? If I were Luthor, I wouldn't set one foot in this muck!

A creature that's half Wonder Woman and half Composite Superman rises from one of the pools to attack. The only way it can be defeated is if the Dark Trinity work together to defeat it! It's a sign that they should work together to defeat Wonder Woman and Composite Superman too! Don't worry about how Lex and Superman have begun trying to understand each other and work together in that other comic book that you should ignore while reading this one. He still hates aliens.

Lex still isn't quite on board with bathing in the pits so Circe decides to show him an ancient mural on a wall. It shows Circe, Ra's, and Lex all standing together. Oh, well then! If an ancient carving provides evidence that they're going to work together, why fight it?

The Ranking!
-1! This story begins with a couple of comic book tropes I've never liked. First, the characters are compelled by a vision or a prophecy to get the plot moving. I'd suggest Circe was manipulating everything for reasons of her own but the whole three pits thing and the half Wonder Woman, half Composite Superman creature, and the mural all seem a bit much to not be the real motivator. Circe could just cast a spell on these guys and force them to help her. Second, I dislike stories where superheroes are specifically targeted by the villains. Those are the types of stories that have created this idea in comic books that heroes are more of a menace than an inspiration. If heroes are constantly being personally attacked, they're more harm to the city where they reside than help. So here's yet another story where the heroes are going to be targeted specifically. How are they helping to save the world or being an inspiration to mankind when all they're really doing is saving their own asses?

Okay, sure, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe Lex, Ra's, and Circe will just begin their plans of world domination while trying to avoid being noticed by the Trinity. You know, the way villains should be acting. When did the sole motivation of so many super villains become vengeance against the hero that constantly kicks their ass and locks them up? Wouldn't you avoid pissing off that person after being beaten by them so many times? The DC Universe is full of idiots.

Wonder Woman #50

I like how David Finch snuck naked female breasts onto Ares!

Rating: Meredith Finch often tries to get too philosophical for my tastes and she doesn't back off on that tact this issue. She even packs the back end with a story about fate and choices and destiny which really could have just been replaced by eight pages of somebody masturbating. Philosophically, I'm not against philosophy. But in reality? When philosophers start philosophizing? I just want to cut my own throat. Philosophy is like crossing a street by traveling around the world to get to the other side from the other direction. What I mean is when a philosophical premise is brought up, you can see exactly where they're going to wind up in the first few seconds. But then the philosopher has to pad out the argument until they've spoken for five hours about how the point they were getting to is the only conclusion to be made. Then they throw out some Latin words to close the argument before waking you up and asking if they need to repeat themselves. What I'm trying to say is Wonder Woman #50 was actually a fairly readable comic book which doesn't quite live up to its pretensions.

At the end of the last issue, Wonder Woman was carted off, unconscious, by a walking dick with arms. She got into trouble trying to help cure Zeus of Crib Seizures. Normally Diana wouldn't give a shit about helping Zeus but he's currently in the guise of a toddler. He's so cute that when Diana looks at him, her vagina aches. The last issue was also full of allegorical references to the Patriarchy but I think they were all accidental. I bet every time David Finch asked Meredith to write a scene where Diana is in the shower, Meredith subconsciously got more and more angry. This subconscious anger came out in metaphorical representations of the patriarchy and how Diana is being kept down by it. Diana's entire mission is to take care of a baby. First she has to look to the Mother of All Mothers as an example. Then she has to swim up Hera's Fallopian Tubes to steal some of her eggs. Then she's knocked unconscious by a Cyclops which we all know is the least subtle of all mythological penis references. And being that this whole comic book is in a Greek setting, the whole Cyclops dragging an unconscious Wonder Woman back to its lair has to be a critique of the Greek System in our schools.

This issue begins with the Penis fingering Wonder Woman.

Typical guy! I'm fairly certain the clit isn't on the temple.

Wonder Woman wakes up to find herself in a dungeon full of huge Penises. But she's not afraid of them! They're also not being aggressive. And who could be afraid of a flaccid Penis? Wonder Woman even accepts a drink from one of them! I bet it's Pocari Sweat.

The Penises, or Cyclopes as some less accurate people might refer to them, offer to show Wonder Woman the way out of the secret passage she fell into. At least that's what she assumes they're going to do. Mostly they just stare at her and offer stuff to drink. On the way out, Hephaestus arrives to choke and beat the Cyclopes. Wonder Woman begins to feel sorry for them. But not sorry enough to actually try to understand why they find it uncomfortable to sit without their legs spread wide.

Wonder Woman watches the way Hephaestus treats the Cyclopes and wonders, "Was I so desperate to belong, to have a family, that I've ignored who and what the Olympians really are?" When the fuck did she do that?! She hasn't trusted these bastards without reason ever! At least not that I can remember. She sort of trusted a few of her siblings but even when she trusted a god like Hermes or Cupid or Hades, they eventually betrayed her for their own ends. And it's not like she was surprised! And the only reason she trusted Hera was because Hera lost all of her powers and was mortal for awhile! No way Hera would have been able to stay in Diana's flat in London if she'd still been a god!

Precum.

Diana learns the most cliche lesson to be learned! She learns that the creatures who look like monsters aren't monsters at all! The actual monsters are the people who look just like her! In...the Twilight Zone!

You know who must really hate that "whole monsters aren't defined by their looks" crap? People who look like monsters and act monstrous! Where's their uplifting lesson?!

I think somebody forgot to tell Johnny Desjardins to draw the wrap around Wonder Woman's torso carrying Hera's eggs! That's probably because the first page of the scene that Johnny draws was drawn by Finch (the drinking Penis juice scene) and he forgot the wrap in those panels.

Anyway, Wonder Woman can't free the Cyclopes but promises to set them free of their patriarchal chains after she saves Zeke.

This dialogue made me snicker.

Do you think anybody has yet told David Finch that it was "Iapetus" and not "Lapetus"?

The totally believable and trustworthy Hecate (who looks like a monster which must mean she isn't a monster. I think?) informs Wonder Woman that the Mother of Everything, Gaia, is behind Zeke's sickness! No! It can't be! That would mean the real problem is...the Matriarchy! GASP!

Why do superheroes default to threats of punching when discussions don't go their way? Can you imagine if this was how every conversation in a place of business went down?

Looking at Wonder Woman's crotch in the previous scan caused me to remember flipping the channel to Columbo earlier this evening. I heard a familiar voice and thought, "Oh hey! Roddy McDowall!" Then I looked up and was greeted to the tightest pair of pants I've ever seen Roddy McDowall wear. Apparently Cornelius's penis rests to the left nearly parallel with the ground.

Hecate informs Wonder Woman that to save Zeke, Diana must first save the children of Gaia: the Cyclopes, the Hecatonchires, and Typhoeus. Wonder Woman is all, "I can do that! Because I know that monsters aren't really monsters! The real monsters are men!" There's probably high-fiving at that point.

While Diana is saving Typhoeus, she encounters Ares. He's less the God of Drinking Whisky Barefoot and more Ares the Old Ares That We're All Used To In Preboot Wonder Woman Ares. And he wants to be Diana's enemy again! Mostly because he wants his God of Warhood back. But I think the only way to regain that is over Diana's dead body. So it probably won't happen.

I love all the bullshit philosophy to try to make war seem important. It isn't. Here's an idea! How about getting rid of the gods of Peace and War and setting up the gods of Compromise and Having A Bit of a Row?

Ares and Diana crash through the ice and fall into the lair of Typhoeus. Typhoeus is, of course, a giant Wyrm. I'm seeing a trend in Mother's children! They're all just a bunch of penises! And you know what you need when you have a lot of penises?! A lot of hands! That's where the Hecatonchires come in!

Diana rides off on the father of monsters in a completely non-sexually allegorical way, leaving her father figure in the past. In the next issue, she'll have to save the Hecatonchires. Until then, this fiftieth issue isn't quite over yet because DC needed to charge five dollars for it. I guess even with Johnny's help, David couldn't fill an extra-big book with his art in a single month.

The backup story is about how Donna Troy has low self-esteem and can't make a decision. It's a walk on slippery rocks. It's the talk on a cereal box. It's masturbating in your own face. Edie Brickell didn't describe philosophy in that way but I think she would have if she had time for another verse.

Teen Titans #13

Did Manchester Black get a new chest tattoo?

I should probably provide a recap for every comic book series whenever they hit a year. Taking a look back at where things began and how they've progressed, discussing how the characters have changed over that time and what they've learned...wouldn't that be interesting? Probably. But that's something to do by somebody who takes comic books and their stories seriously. And it definitely isn't something to be done with this comic book because it's a fucking mess. The team became heroes of New York. Then they got in bed with Manchester Black. Then Superboy killed a bunch of Muslim Durlans. Then Red Robin decided to flip the bird at the American justice system because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody and if he believed it, it must be true. So fuck letting Superboy go on trial! But then a bunch of Titans that didn't want to be Titans and decided to be Elites decided to fight with the Titans. Most of that was Superboy's fault because eventually he reveals that he did murder the aliens and that Red Robin probably should have let justice take its course. So then, of course, Harvest reappears and takes Superboy away. Red Robin and the others express a bunch of lies so that stupid readers who hate remembering the past could feel like last issue was an emotional triumph that left them feeling all of the feelings. And now that Superboy is gone, the comic book can get back to Manchester Black trying to control the Titans and the Elites for his own nefarious purposes.

I suppose I could have just said, "This comic book has lacked any direction and has no fucking clue what the hell it wants to say about these characters." Or I could have just typed out a line of Shit Emojis. It's all the same.

This issue begins in the middle of the prison break that was ignored last issue. Hopefully the Teen Titans will spend the next six issues on trial for breaking into a prison. Then the next seventy two issues will be the Teen Titans in prison.

Manchester Black brought the Elite to the prison to do something. It's all part of his plan.

I don't think Manchester Black remembers that he had a plan which sent Red Robin to this prison.

Power Girl begins to doubt Manchester Black. But didn't she just join Manchester Black because she doubted Red Robin? Is she just going to flip back over to the Teen Titans now? What was the fucking point?! I suppose the entire team is going to be back together again by the end of this story and Manchester Black is going to be out on his rear. And I suppose Manchester Black will say something nefarious like, "I knew turning them against each other only to get them to trust each other again would strengthen their bond. Now they will be a team like no other!" Then he'll smoke a cigarette and bury the prostitute he just murdered in Powers' backyard.

In the Chamber of Harvest (which is located in that mysterious place that exists for the sake of telling horrible stories), Wonder Girl points out that Kon was Tim's friend. No. No he wasn't. Not at all. Ever. Kon may have been Bunker's friend. But not Tim's. He didn't even know Tim's name! None of the Titans knew Tim's name until this series began and suddenly they all knew it. Bart is all, "We're trapped and it's all Red Robin's fault and everything is awful!" But Wonder Girl is all, "Tim will find us a way out! He was trained by Batman so he'll beat something into submission which should get us all out of here!"

No, he did not. Pardon me, Wonder Girl, but didn't you just praise his ability to get them out? So why are you trying to get him to slow it the fuck down?

I can't fault Pfeifer for not knowing that Kon wasn't Tim's best friend. That would mean Will would have had to read Lobdell's run of the Teen Titans and I wouldn't expect anybody to suffer through that. And Eddie Berganza was probably too busy building an office groping machine to explain the previous series to him.

Red Robin points out that what separates the Titans from the other super hero groups is that the Titans never give up. You know, unlike the Justice League who are constantly throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Well! We tried!" Tim gives a speech about how the Teen Titans will save the day (a day which needs saving primarily because of the Teen Titans breaking into jail and starting a riot) and gain the respect of the world! Hey, guess what? You fucking had the respect of the world after the first story arc of this comic book! Remember how all of New York cheered you for saving the city? Does anybody remember that? No? Nobody? I seem to remember praising that aspect of the comic book because the Teen Titans should be a group that cares about saving the city where they live and the people of New York should know and love them for it instead of being frightened by them. But then Superboy was all, "Whoops! I kilted some Musliens! Did I do the bad stuff again?!"

I hate New 52 Superboy. He ruins everything. Did you know he's a living weapon?

Back in the prison, Doctor Psycho is defeating everybody with his mind powers because he wants to slip into Raven's mind without consent.

Why is Doctor Psycho suddenly the big culprit in the prison? Did Despero only sign on for a single page appearance?

Maybe Doctor Psycho is back because he was one of Superboy's foes! I think. Does anybody remember The New 52 Superboy comic book? All I can remember is that his name was Superboy and he was a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Raven defeats Doctor Psycho in Azareth or wherever the corpse of her father lies rotting away. It's probably not really Trigon though. I think Doctor Psycho just wound up in the part of Raven's brain that houses her Daddy Issues. Everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues but I don't think any of them are as hilariously monstrous as Raven's. Her Daddy Issues are so big that they launched two Teen Titans series in the Eighties and made the Teen Titans fan favorites even over the X-men! At least for a little while.

Tim, Cassie, and Bart manage to teleport back into the MAW because Tim is a genius at hacking computers. They arrive in the prison to find that the riot and everything that happened after they broke in was an illusion created by Doctor Psycho. Except there are still a few loose ends that the Doctor Psycho Retcon can't tie up.

Well, that's a surefire way for the Titans to earn the respect of the world! Continue to break into the prison and steal the guns from all the guards simply because the number one rule of being a Titan is "I've got your back no matter how many laws you're thinking of breaking and no matter how many Musliens you've murdered."

Now, I don't agree with the prison guards opening fire on Red Robin. Although I'm sure they've got rubber bullets in their weapons to simply suppress any riots. And maybe Red Robin could even do with some consequences for his actions, you know (especially the action where the Teen Titans break into a prison to speak with Despero instead of trying to figure out another way. Like maybe having Raven teleport Red Robin directly to Despero? Or maybe calling up Martian Manhunter to help and bribing him with a plastic container of Costco's multi-pack of cookies?)?

Down in Sublevel Triple Z (that's pretty far down! I wonder if the levels go A through Z and then AA through ZZ and then AAA through ZZZ or if they just go A through Z and then ZZ and then ZZZ?!), Manchester Black runs into Despero who is obviously Chimera because Tim just called out her name and she's been missing and Despero is suspiciously out of his cell. I suppose this is the big trick where Manchester Black finally fucks up his overly complicated plan and tells the fake Despero the entire plan which will ruin his chances of accomplishing whatever the fuck he was trying to accomplish. Apparently it was to work with the Titans, steal some of their members, then finally destroy the Titans. And his motivation was fuck you. What do you think this is? Literature? If it's motivation you want the you should probably stop reading shitty comic books!

I failed Karate because my go-to stance was the same as Power Girl's in the middle panel.

Power Girl discovers she can grow so I guess she's Elasti-Power-Girl now. She beats Manchester Black against every inch of prison wall before Red Robin convinces her that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Since, you know, Titans don't kill. Apparently that's their only rule though. Titans don't kill but they do break into prisons, help wanted fugitives, and destroy property as often as possible all while backing each other up no matter how wrong they are as long as one of them thinks that they're right. Go Titans!

The issue ends with Alpha Centurion arriving on the scene to speak what in an accent that is definitely not Roman because he's an idiot and probably a fraud to boot. He defeats all of the Titans in one panel per Titan because the comic book only had two pages left. That's not enough time to write a coherent fight with a group this big so it's easier to just have them lose. Also there's nothing at stake here because the Alpha Centurion is another hero. Instead of killing them all because they obviously are horrible at superheroing, he arrests them all. Good. Fuckers need to sit in jail for awhile and think about all the asshole bullshit trouble they've caused.

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This comic book is a complete mess. It's the kind of comic book that probably works better if you're somebody who just picked up one issue without having read any of the others. Then you don't have to be baffled by all of the contortions of the plot. The Titans are a team and loved! No wait! They've broken up and now half of them are wanted by the police and on the run! And the others want to kick their asses even thought they're all apparently the very best of friends forever! Manchester Black is siding with the Titans and then he leaves them to side with the Elite and then he wants to capture the Titans which the Elite are behind but then the Elite decide maybe Black wants to do more than catch the Titans and so they betray him and now everybody is a Titan again and how about we just start over and forget about this whole Manchester Black nonsense? At least the Titans are going to fucking jail where they belong, the lawbreaking bastards.

Superman Isn't Sure If He Loves Wonder Woman Anymore #22

I hope this is the breakup issue.

The worst part about being heterosexual is not being able to arrive at a location and yelling, "I'm here and I'm queer!" I mean, I guess you can if you want to tease all of the local gay people. If you still want to yell it and don't want to be a tease, I suppose after you have sex with all of the gay people, you can say, "Oh, I just meant I'm eccentric!"

The last three comic books I read were Doomed, Doctor Fate, and Lost Army. The subtext of that rather boring sentence is "I am one more shitty comic book away from killing myself." Now, I could have dug through the stack and picked a comic book I know I'll love. But instead I'm taking my chances with Superman Loves Wonder Woman. This is like a game of Russian Roulette. It's written by Peter J. Tomasi which probably means there's only one bullet in the chamber. But even he hasn't been enough to save the mess that has become Superman which probably means that lone bullet is about to get ass raped by the firing pin. Maybe I should put some tarps down before I read this because I have a feeling it's going to get messy.

The issue begins with Superman teleporting up to the Justice League satellite and it might be the most terrifying thing I'll read over Halloween. It takes--get this!--thirty freaking seconds for Superman to be transported from one location to the next! He thinks about it as if it's thirty seconds of peace and quiet. But what it really is is thirty long seconds of non-existence! Although judging by the way transporters work, it's probably not thirty seconds at all. It's probably fucking eternity! Transporters are little more than suicide machines! Once the original Superman is taken apart molecule by molecule, he's dead. Done. Gone! That thing that arrives at the other side? The one that looks like him because the transporter arranged all of his bits back into the proper structure? That's not Superman. That's a monster!

Oh! Maybe that can help me explain why he's been acting like such a jerk!

The way this is beginning, it feels like the Convergence Sneak Peek. I hope not. That's where all these awful powerless Superman stories began! Before that, they were mostly crap. After that, they were all crap. I'm surprised anybody still buys Superman comic books. I suppose lots of readers think they're reading good stories because shitty comic book reviewers talk about this depowered Superman story line as if it's exciting and well-written. I wish they could all be fired from doing something they all do for free anyway. Most of them are probably just a bunch of sweaty assholes dying to get their Pro-Superman blurb on the next collected edition. They trade their dignity and honor for a spoonful of silver coins and a song from Pontius Poppins. Bastards.

Superman tracks blood all over the satellite as he heads to the shuttle bay. I guess this is the extended version of the Sneak Peek. Superman is going to fly into the sun and Wonder Woman is going to go after him. I will try my hardest not to wonder how fast the Justice League Shuttles can fly as he goes from the Earth to the sun in probably less than an hour.

Back on Earth, this happens because why not?

The way she's been written lately (the way they've all been written!), I'd say Lois Lane probably deserved to get smacked in the face by somebody. Superman wasn't going to do it. Wonder Woman probably wanted to do it and may have actually paid Lana to do it. But I guess Lana did it because she's angry that Lois Lane endangered her friend and brought all of this bullshit down on his head. Although did she really? How did things go from Superman being mostly loved by everybody except General Lane, Lex Luthor, and the United States Government to everybody hating him simply because people learned his name is Clark Kent? The only person who doesn't believe Clark Kent is Superman is Lex Luthor which is stupid since Lex Luthor was the only one smart enough to figure out Bruce Wayne was Batman after the Dick Grayson/Nightwing reveal. I have a feeling Lex Luthor is going to be set up by Batman and Superman so that he gets proof that Clark isn't Superman. Then he'll expose the secret to the world and everybody will breathe a sigh of relief and go back to pointing out what a clumsy four-eyed jerk Clark Kent is.

Wonder Woman ditches Lana and Lois to go after Clark herself. She finds The Flash groggy from having been sucker punched by Clark. That's appropriate. Everybody punching everybody else for the most negligible of reasons! Even if they had good reason, it's still idiotic. For being good people and super heroes, they sure do rely on violence an awful lot.

Diana flies out to bring Superman back before he burns up or suffocates in space or dies in any number of horrible ways now that he's not even close to being invulnerable anymore. The Flash teleports them back and then Superman drops the bomb that really should have been Wonder Woman's bomb about sixteen issues ago.

Remember all the dead-eyed stares from Wonder Woman last issue? I'm pretty sure she knows she doesn't love Superman anymore. Although it could have just been Doug Mahnke not giving a shit about his job.

Clark decides to hold a grudge against Diana because she didn't do as he told her in the last few issues. Plus he's probably just trying to push her away in a lame attempt to keep her safe. But if he is, he's doing it in one of those ways that, if you're Diana, should be unforgivable. Telling somebody you're supposed to love that "you don't think you love them anymore" is the fucking end of it. If not for the person saying that, definitely for the person who was told it. Because either they don't love you anymore and you should just move on because they're trying to end it, or they do still love you and they're playing fucking games and trying to hurt you. Either way, fuck it. Dealbreaker. Done. Walk away from that shit, Diana.

Wonder Woman takes this petty garbage like the only adult in pretty much any Superman comic book right now. She just gets on with the business of finding the enemy kidnapping powerful beings to use as a source of energy. She's determined to do League work no matter how Superman's acting. So if he said the thing about not loving her to push her away, it didn't work anyway.

Superman and Wonder Woman decide to kidnap Parasite to use him as bait for their unknown stalker. They board the helicopter transporting him and actually take over without punching the shit out of a bunch of people just doing their job.

Although if I were one of the guards, I'd hate to have to face Amanda Waller after this. Maybe it would have been better if they were all knocked unconscious.

And so they kidnap Parasite and are ready to use him for bait next issue.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #22 Rating: No change. This was just the Convergence Sneak Peek with some extra pages and a breakup. At least I hope it's a breakup. It had better fucking stick. I want Diana to run into Selina and have Selina tell Diana to just forget about Superman. It's such a waste of time trying to have a fuckship with these do-gooders who think everything out of their face-holes is righteous wisdom. I guess the bad guy still hasn't been revealed either. I mean, aside from him being called Mr. Bend. Too bad I didn't read this earlier so I could have advised everybody to just skip it! Although if you're into women punching other women in the face, I guess this was worth the cover price.

Wonder Woman #45

What's with the diamond shaped negative space in Wonder Woman's crotch region? Is that supposed to symbolize something?

I gave mild praise to the last two issues of Wonder Woman because they weren't completely awful and they felt like maybe they were moving Donna's character in the right direction. But all of my goodwill (which is hard earned and should not be taken so lightly, Meredith. When I hate, I hate for life!) has been casually tossed like a salad on the first page! And I wasn't expecting it so I jumped right in thinking, "Okay! Time for some Wonder Woman. It probably won't be too tough to deal with if I can ignore David Finch's fish mouths which he loves to stick on male characters. And it should be a quick read because it will probably contain two or three double splash pages. I also won't be distracted too much by the inevitable shower scene because I think I've masturbated enough times today. I guess that's enough talking to myself before opening the comic book so maybe I should narrate my final actions and open up the comic book...". And that's when I was sucker punched right in the part of my brain that doesn't like having to read crappy dialogue.

Shut up shut up shut up!

This guy shot Wonder Woman with an arrow two issues ago. I think it's safe to assume she can punch him in the face after he says "Surprised?" Instead, she listens to him moan and whine and insult her for nearly thirty seconds (Yes. I timed myself reading his rant! And included the dramatic pauses and the occasional moan and wince of pain due to my ankles being crushed by debris). Strife shows uncharacteristic restraint in not immediately turning him into a blood stain. She simply suggests he deserves a spanking. But Diana is against adults beating up on children and threatening them with physical harm to keep them in line. She'd probably rather kneel down, look him directly in the eye, tell him what he did was wrong, and then hug him.

The next page is the first of who knows how many boring double splash pages. Because Aegus punching Wonder Woman in the face and shouting isn't something that could have fit in a half-page panel (or smaller even).

Wonder Woman deserved to get punched for not shutting him up earlier.

After Aegus punches a woman in the face, he flexes and says, "Does this look like 'just a boy' to you?!" Wonder Woman does not answer, "No, it looks like the douchiest douche in doucheville." Probably because that's a weak retort. My go-to comeback would have been, "No, you look like just a boy!" But that wouldn't make any sense so I had to go with "You're the Xiest X in Xville." Wonder Woman decides to ask him if he needs a hug because he seems like he's in a lot of pain. I bet he tells her she's about to be in a lot of pain!

This kid has a lot to learn. Everybody in the DC You suffers from Daddy Issues but they don't admit to it immediately.

Luckily, as he beats the shit out of a woman, Aegus opens up about how his father abused him and his mother. Now Wonder Woman can give him the standard speech about not being to blame for what happened to him and how he can change the cycle by making different choices and all the other After School Special crap that's been said five million times already. It's also nice that she gives her "you didn't deserve the abuse" speech while crawling before him in a pool of her own blood while weeping bloody tears. I'm glad pictures are worth 1000 words because I'd hate to have to read the 1000 hateful and misogynistic words that make up this picture.

I know Strife doesn't like Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman did ask Strife to let her handle this, but it seems strange that Strife would just let this intruder beat on Wonder Woman for four pages before intervening. Maybe it took her that long to grow into a giant in preparation for the next double page splash (although this one has a few inset panels so it can pretend to be something different).

At least some characters full of macho bravado can admit when they're beaten. I'm looking at you, Powerless Superman.

But being that this is a comic book and the only dramatic tension most writers know is dangling the answers to questions just out of the reader's reach, Aegus says "It was..." and then disappears. Noooo! But I so wanted to know that it was Poseidon! I mean I wanted Strife to know that it was Poseidon since the reader already knows that it's Poseidon. Hmm, I think Meredith has this comic book convention backwards.

Meanwhile in London, I finally learn the name of Donna Troy's new urchin friend: Violet! So it's not Terry Long's daughter. But it might be Halo! They have a fun tour of London that's totes brill. But then Violet ditches her and leaves her bag of dead rats for Donna to deal with.

Aegus reappears in his basement by his smoking swimming pool to be chastised by the person who isn't Poseidon who sent Aegus to kill Wonder Woman. She's angry that Wonder Woman did something to her "dearest love." So it must be a lover of Ares or Apollo, right? Who else did Wonder Woman get killed recently? I doubt it's Ares because that would mean the female God was Aphrodite. But she doesn't wear clothing and she never shows her face. So this must be one of Apollo's dozens of lovers. It could be practically anybody so I'll just randomly guess that it's Hecate even though she isn't green with spikes around her brow and she doesn't have a big lizard tail. Hmm. Maybe it is Aphrodite. She is in London where it's chilly, so she'd probably be wearing clothes.

Back in London, Donna Troy easily finds Violet again because fuck you.

If you want to read a comic book where women are constantly being beaten or groped by men, Wonder Woman is the comic book for you!

This guy Link hates it when Donna Troy kicks his ass while he was in the middle of kicking Violet's ass. But this time, he's got a gun! And Donna Troy doesn't have bracelets!

This guy must be Plastic Man!

Violet hits her head on the hearth when Link throws her to the ground and begins bleeding all over the place. That probably means Donna Troy is going to kill somebody. And she tries except Wonder Woman finally finds her! And she didn't need the help of The Fates after all! All she had to do was wait until Donna Troy's friend was killed so that Diana could try to stop Donna from killing Violet's murderer which would allow for Donna and Diana to fight! Too bad Diana didn't think of that earlier.

Donna learns the "with great power comes great responsibility" lesson but comes to a different conclusion than the other idiots who have learned that lesson before her. Donna learns that she should kill people like The Joker when she has the chance or else every death The Joker causes afterward is on her hands. I can't say I disagree with that conclusion! But I can disagree with the subsequent conclusion Donna makes that it's all Wonder Woman's fault. She has to come to that conclusion so that she can keep fighting Diana though. Comic books, you know?

Aegus appears on the scene because everybody seems to know how to find anybody at this point in the comic book. I guess all the searching stuff is just getting in the way of the plot. It's better when characters can find other characters instantly. All that detective work to figure out who did what or where they might be? That's Batman crap.

Anyway, Aegus puts an arrow through Donna Troy's heart and turns her to stone. I guess that's what happens when Clay People die? But guess what? He didn't do it because he was trying to hurt Diana! No! He's had a change of heart!

See? All it takes to help a victim of abuse is a one paragraph explanation about how they aren't to blame and they didn't deserve what happened to them!

Oh! Time for the reveal of the evil villain! And it's...Eirene? The Goddess of Peace? Um. Okay. I guess she's mad at Diana because...um...uh...fuck it. I don't know. She should be going after Deathstroke since he broke her mother, Iapetus's spear!

Wonder Woman #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you like stories where characters change their motivations constantly and for nearly no reason, stories where women are brutally beaten and killed, stories where characters constantly explicate their every action so the reader understands what the fuck is going on, or stories where the ultimate enemy is peace, then this is the comic book for you, you dumb bozo!

Wonder Woman #42

Who is the red-headed girl with the chicken arm?

This issue begins with Diana hanging out at a dance club with some friend I don't recognize. It must be Hessia or Zola since those are her only friends. You would think I'd be able to tell Hessia and Zola apart since they're two totally different shades of human and they have different facial features and hairstyles and eye colors. But without a good shot of the character's ass, I just can't tell who it is. The nearly shaved head leads me to believe it's Delirium Strife but since she mentions not having the dance moves of a god, it can't be her. Plus Strife hates Wonder Woman. Plus I'm certain it's Hessia. I really just wanted to point out how Wonder Woman only has two friends. Which is twice as many as I have, so she's doing really well.

Since Wonder Woman is in a dance club, she'll probably wind up beating the crap out of a guy for being too forward. She is a feminist icon, you know! And the best way to show that a character is a feminist is to have her physically overpower a man after she's been victimized by him.

Hooray! Diana is the greatest feminist since...since...hmm, I can't seem to name any feminists.

Now that the Finches have gotten the Diana beating the groping man scene out of the way and proved that they're totally against sexist pigs, they can move on to the double splash page of Wonder Woman getting out of the shower.

No wait! The scene needs an exclamation point so the audience understands this is a lesson to be learned!

Seriously? What's next? Having to ask my lamp permission if I can turn it on?!

Diana walks off with Hessia saying, "I'd like to say he was harmless...but that kind of thing always hurts someone." What?! Harmless groping and sexy lecherous come-ons while trying to shove your tongue in a lady's unwilling ear hurts someone? I'm trying my hardest here but I can't figure out who's the victim in a situation like that!

You know, maybe I'd find the previous scene a little more sincere if Meredith Finch hadn't been writing Wonder Woman like a stereotypical working woman trying to find balance between her working life and social life the way no male character ever has to.

On their way home, Diana stops to help a homeless vet and to nearly be assassinated.

They have homeless vets in England too?! But what about their socialisms?! Aren't they too polite to not give a shit about actual veterans while constantly posting status updates on Facebook about how everybody in the military is a hero?

Just look at the Finches tackling social problems right and left here! Groping women is wrong? Awareness raised! Hungry and homeless vets need help? Awareness raised! People who suck at shooting bows even when they're outfitted with targeting scopes? Awareness raised! I'm so full of awareness right now that I must be a good person!

Wonder Woman abandons the homeless veteran before she can tie him up with her lasso and find out if he's really a vet before giving him any money. She has to catch the would-be assassin! She leaves Hessia to help the Vet although what is Hessia going to do? She doesn't have any British currency on her and she doesn't know the way to any shelters. She's only a previously immortal physician from an island that never learned how the biology of a man differs from that of a woman. I think it has to do with peeing and the position of the body while evacuating fluids.

Wonder Woman catches the killer and discovers it's the boy from the bridge who she failed to stop last issue. This issue will be different though! Diana says, "You're not going to get away so easily this time!" at the bottom of one page. Then in the next panel at the top of the next page, she thinks, "Damn it, where did he go?!" Oh, Diana! You're such a failure.

The man mounts up on Pegasus just a few feet away from Diana which totally means he's already escaped and Diana should just watch him fly away and through a magic portal. It's also possible Diana was just trying not to cry seeing as how she put Pegasus out of his misery in the pages of Batwoman because he was so horribly wounded that he would be in constant pain for centuries.

After the guy escapes, the story flashes back months earlier so the readers can learn the history of the kid.

I noticed she just glossed over the whole incest thing.

If the whole point of the story was to prove to Aegeus that he has the blood of the gods in him, then I would have left out Aegeus's role in fucking his daughter. Maybe just point out how Theseus was born of Aethra and Poseidon and just leave it at that? Although I guess she needed to throw the King of Athens' name in there since she named her son Aegeus. Seems like a strange choice though. I would have just gone with Theseus.

How can you not believe her? She's so adorably tiny!

Aegeus's mom gives him a token by which he can summon Poseidon. But Poseidon is dead or horribly wounded and laid up or something, so he doesn't answer. But some other creepy voice answers and decides to use this kid for its own nefarious purposes. You all know who that voice belongs to. Strife's been trying to embarrass Wonder Woman since The New 52 began. And ever since Wonder Woman killed Strife's boss, Strife has had too much free time. Also her name is Strife so she kind of has to be the antagonist of this comic book.

Diana heads to Olympus to ask Hera if she knows of anybody who rides Pegasus and shoots golden arrows. Hippolyta says she knows of nobody like that. I'm not entirely sure about the golden arrows part but maybe check with Bellerophon? See if he has an alibi for the other night? I'm more concerned that Wonder Woman says "a pegasus" as if it's just another mythological species and not a single creature which sprang from the blood of Medusa and which Diana killed back in the pages of Batwoman. I guess we're playing Dungeons and Dragons now?

While on Olympus, Diana stops by the prison to make sure Donna Troy still feels really badly for killing the sons of the Amazons. Diana is all, "You have to forgive yourself for the horrendous consequences of your stupid actions, you self-indulgent non-monster!" But Donna believes she's a monster and that she must be punished. Really? I didn't know golems could feel remorse.

Strife appears to convince Donna that suicide is her best option. But Donna can't kill herself while she's trapped in prison on Olympus. So Strife tells Donna that she can ask the three sisters of Fate to cut her thread and kill her. But to get to the Sisters, Donna must be free to go to London. So Strife sets Donna free. So now Donna doesn't need to visit the Fates, right? She can just find a cutlery shop and a bathtub.

Wonder Woman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. Just another superhero story where the hero isn't saving the world (or even one homeless vet due to having to punch somebody in the face) but protecting themselves from a threat that only exists because the antagonist is pissed at the hero. So many fucking sarcastic yays. Can I get a superhero that's actually doing heroic things and saving people instead of one who is simply defending themselves from assassins and groping pigs?

Wonder Woman #41

Why is Dick Van Dyke threatening to blow up Wonder Woman?

This issue is called "Balance" because, like all women, Wonder Woman has had to find a balance between her home life and work life. Men never have to figure out that balance because they don't feel guilty about not spending time with their kids or cheating on their wives. Men never think, "Should I be spending this much time at work?" They just think, "Twelve hours at work? I deserve a four hour break at the strip club on the way home!" Balance schmalance! The idea that women need to balance their schedules was created by a bunch of men who feared not having dinner on the table after getting home with cum-stained britches. Play on a woman's guilt and she'll always think she's being selfish when she's actually being codependent! Good work, men! Now even Wonder Woman is confused!

Diana begins by feeling sorry for Donna Troy because Donna Troy wasn't responsible for her actions. She only murdered all of the Amazons' brothers because Derinoe created her to murder all of the Amazons' brothers (and Wonder Woman too, of course!). So Wonder Woman decides to visit Donna Troy and make her feel bad.

"A monster? No! You're just all these other horrible things!"

After chastising Donna Troy for feeling miserable, Diana heads over to visit Zola and Zeke. Zola mentions how she doesn't know how Wonder Woman does it all: superheroing, Godding, Queening, Girlfriending! It's just crazy that she finds the time! All Zola has to do is watch Zeke while lounging safely around Mt. Olympus and, by golly, it's exhausting! Being a non-working mother is the hardest job ever! It sucks spending every single minute with the greatest object of your affection! Sure, she doesn't have anybody adult to talk to but in my book, that's a positive! Besides, I'm sure the Home of the Gods could figure out a way to set up Skype.

"It's so hard being the mother to an immortal God who doesn't need me for anything but hugs and belly raspberries!"

Wonder Woman is also visiting Mt. Olympus because she needs to pick up her new uniform from Hephaestus.

Does the "V" stand for "vagina" so she knows which way to put the suit on?

I don't know how the new outfit helps her embrace the woman she's become. I guess it's like getting her first pant suit?

After her visit to Olympus, Wonder Woman stops by a bridge where some kid is threatening to blow himself up if he doesn't get to meet Wonder Woman. It winds up being some villain who attacks her but she continues to think it's just some kid looking for attention. It's not until the villain calls her The God of War and then escapes does Wonder Woman think that maybe this wasn't some poor kid who just needed a hug. The villain is working with a glowing green pit. Together, they plan on stealing the mantle of the God of War! But the villain doesn't know how to do that. The glowing green pit is all, "Don't worry! I've got just the weapons you need!" Then it spits out a Pegasus and a bow with a few arrows.

Wonder Woman #41 Rating: No change. No wait! -1 Ranking because it was a twenty page comic book for $3.99 in which really not much happened. Sure, we get two pages of sketches of Wonder Woman in her new outfit with commentary by David Finch about how his wife was all, "Stop drawing her with your dick in your hand!"

"But honey! This is hard! I'm just not interested in drawing clothing! I want to draw titties!"

David Finch goes on to explain how difficult it was coming up with a design that made Wonder Woman look tough but feminine. He then quickly adds that "feminine means whatever a woman is, regardless of shape, size or demeanor." So then why was it so hard coming up with the concept if feminine was just an automatic part of the outfit because she was a woman regardless of how she looked?

DC, you owe me about thirty-six cents for the bullshit two extra pages that should have been story! How hard is it for David Finch to fill up two extra pages of story?! He usually wastes at least that many with unnecessary double splash pages! But really, DC. You owe me thirty-six cents. I know the Finches didn't realize they needed a 22 page comic book for the beginning of the DCyou but you had already planned on the price increase so you had to stick these bullshit pages into the back. Fuck you, you monsters! No wait! You aren't monsters. You're just misguided, confused, and self-indulgent.

Wonder Woman Annual #1

This cover is not interesting in the least. It doesn't show any of Wonder Woman's best features! Like, um, her bravery and dedication to hugging it out!

The New DCyou is the Universe YOU, the fans, have been asking for! Which is why Wonder Woman is soon going to be at war with the Amazons lead by the most unrecognizable version of Donna Troy ever conceived! This is going to be so exciting! And nothing like that bullshit New 52 version of Wonder Woman where Azzarello made her the daughter of a man! Pee-yuke! This version of Wonder Woman is an incompetent leader full of self-doubt who needs constant advice from the male members of the Justice League before deciding on any course of action! Hugging it out with Aquaman's teddy bear is also one way she copes with the stress in her life. The way things are going, I bet this whole internal crisis she's struggling with turns out to be caused by her fear that she might never become a mother! Or PMS!

If you're not into Meredith Finch's perfect characterization of Wonder Woman, you can ogle Wonder Woman's perfectly sexy adult body attached to a fourteen year old face drawn so creepily by David Finch. It's hard pretending that rubbing one out to a beautiful fourteen year old is difficult, right adult male Wonder Woman fans?! But it is nice that David Finch understands your penchant for child pornography and gives you a legal out to pursue it, amirite?!

The issue begins in the Lair of the Bug Queen where Wonder Woman was having a discussion about how humans need to let the Bug People eat them because it's just the nature of the Bug People and how dare humans judge their culture. Fucking Bugophobes. The Bug Person that Wonder Woman flipped during the fight for no reason is nowhere to be seen. He probably wandered off to chew on his wounds until he killed himself because bugs aren't smart. They're like medieval surgeons!

Wonder Woman is still doubting herself which has been a staple of the character since William Moulton Marston created her. He would often have her save a bondage club and then think, "I wonder if I'll be able to orgasm by sticking this knobbed flail up my cooter?" It's why she was called Wonder Woman in the first place! Because her self-doubt was her most notable trait and she often wondered if she could ever be successful at or sexually fulfilled by any of her endeavors. Now Diana is pondering the possibility that she is the cause of the Bug People being true to their nature. Such a white guilty way of thinking!

"Oh! Trapped?! I don't want to blame any victims on accident here! You go ahead and keep eating all the people you want!"

I hope Wonder Woman decides she needs a bath after this encounter! I could sure use a double page splash of her getting into the tub!

I haven't turned to the second page yet but it looks like Wonder Woman is going to feel the need to help the Bug People which is more than she's felt she's needed to do with the Amazons. And she'll be able to help them without risk to Earth because if you were reading closely, you'll remember how Wonder Woman began this comic calling the Queen "this alien queen" even though no mention of the Bug People being anything but creatures of Inner Earth was made prior to that moment. Perhaps she's just calling her "alien" because she's so different from anything Wonder Woman has ever known. But I bet she means "alien" as in the Bug People are from space and have been trapped on Earth and could use some help getting off of Earth where they can go back to their home planet where they eat people that Wonder Woman doesn't have to care about.

Those damnable solar flares! So much trouble!

Wonder Woman argues that crashing on Earth a million years ago is no excuse for being hungry. I'm surprised that Superman has allowed Diana to speak for the team for so long! Shouldn't he be telling her that this is a job for a man now...a Superman! I haven't seen Batman for a few panels either. I wonder if he's sneaking up behind the Queen so he can break her neck. She just revealed that she's an alien and I think Batman is allowed to kill aliens, especially if they're bugs from space.

The alien world is called Gaea and nobody here raises an eyebrow?!

Meanwhile on Paradise Island where Wonder Woman's attention should be turned, the sons of the Amazons are being slaughtered by their mothers and sisters. Probably. At least that was what was happening last issue. I suppose I'll turn the page soon enough and see a double page splash of a bunch of smooth-skinned fourteen year old girls standing amidst the corpses of a bunch of weary, battered looking men. So after Wonder Woman helps these murderous Bug People return to their home planet where they can murder to their heart's content, Wonder Woman can head back to Paradise Island where she'll start a war because how dare the Amazons murder! It's not like it's in their nature where it could be excused!

Cyborg checks out the ship and he's all, "Oh yeah. This ride can be systematic...hydromatic...why couldn't it be Greased Lightning?!" Then Superman sings something about chicks creaming and Batman sings something about getting lots of tit and The Flash sings something about pussy wagons. The Bug Queen says, "Thank you!" Wonder Woman is all, "No problem! I feel like what you really needed was to not be judged for slaughtering whole villages around the globe. What you really needed was a hug and a step up, sister! Now I'm off to Paradise Island to judge my real sisters and punish them because they've completely worn out all of their hugs."

If only this were a double page splash, I would have nailed my prediction! I should have known better. This was too grim for a sexy double page splash. Who would want to buy the original art of sexy Amazons standing amidst a bunch of corpses. Way too hard to rub one out with all those dead eyes staring at your hidden shame.

Wonder Woman, stop being an arrogant prick. You are not the arbiter of everything. These men had a home. They had a perfectly acceptable adopted home with Hephaestus. You might have thought of Hephaestus's world as a slave labor camp for lost boys but at least they were learning a trade! And they were alive! Although maybe I should stop trying to shame Wonder Woman for trying to desegregate the Amazon world because I'm really beginning to take the side of racist Americans during the civil rights years. I think I need a double page splash of me entering the shower now!

According to the story about how the Amazons became pregnant with all those unwanted boys, they are, in fact, murderers.

I know how you can deal with the murderous Amazons, Diana! Send them off to the resort planet of Gaea along with the murderous Bug People! Justice!

Wonder Woman heads immediately to Donna Troy's throne room to confront her. It's like how she was in that throne room earlier with the murderous Bug Queen whom she found compassion for! But this time is different! Donna Troy wasn't acting on her nature so she needs to be put down like a wild animal that would have been acting on its nature and thus wouldn't have to be put down so maybe I should have come up with a more appropriate simile.

Did she call herself that? I'd go back through the last few issues to determine the veracity of that statement but I can't bring myself to reread any Meredith Finch Wonder Woman comic books.

I hope this fight lasts for most of the comic book so I can just skim the pages quickly. I will be paying attention for some really good wank panels though! Maybe I should start up a new Tumblr called Wank Panels! I bet it would get loads and loads of positive attention and nobody would find it disgusting or inappropriate at all! Although it is possible that the feminist message would be too subtle!

Here's a good one!

We finally get a double page splash during the fight because that wasn't entirely predictable or anything.

Donna Troy needs to appeal to Wonder Woman's sense of justice by saying something like how she was abused as a small lump of unformed clay, or how she couldn't help murdering all those men because it's an inherent tenet of her feminist credo that men who hide in the bushes by the Amazon hot springs and jerk off into holes in the ground must be put to death for participating in Clay Rape Culture. Then Wonder Woman will stop and think up a way to hug Donna Troy for justice.

Wonder Woman cuts off Donna Troy's arm but it's no big deal. Donna just reattaches it and keeps fighting. It's one of the benefits of being fully formed from clay! And she doesn't even need glue because she's still the wet, malleable kind of clay. What Wonder Woman needs to do is shove Donna Troy in an oven so she becomes super fragile and can easily be broken by being bumped by a basketball.

Donna Troy gets the upper hand after reattaching her arm because that's symbolic or something. She points out how hugging and love and justice are weak and she's not weak at all! She's the opposite of weak! She never hugs at all! And then when she's about to strike down Wonder Woman, David Finch produces another double page splash. But he really framed it poorly because he could have gotten a ton of money for the original art if he'd just opened up the right margin some.

What a missed opportunity, Dave! How do you expect to be the number one artist at Wank Panels with teases like this?!

Wonder Woman plays the "I feel sorry for you" card which always works to make the antagonist pause in self-reflection. I always hate that moment in movies where the bad guy is somehow shamed by the pure goodness of the protagonist. They're bad guys for a reason! At least when Luke pulls that shit on Darth Vader, he's got a sentimental and familial attachment that motivates his turning on the Emperor. And it works here as well but only because Wonder Woman has a lasso of truth to force Donna Troy to confront the reasons for how awful she is. She can't help it! She was made that way.

Wonder Woman captures Donna Troy and hauls her off to face justice. Hopefully it involves some kind of public display of bondage to humiliate her! It's off to a good start what with Donna Troy being bound up in Diana's lasso. Diana hauls her out in front of the other Amazons to give a speech about how people will be punished! They will be tied up and spanked and called weak and kissed roughly, right in front of all of the other Amazons! Plus Wonder Woman explains what Amazons are meant to be so we, the readers, can start off the DCyou unconfused about them.

She's a sinner! She's a saint!

The old woman that caused all of this trouble, Donna Troy's sculptor (I wanted to say "thrower" but felt that was a bit too ambiguous even if it's more correct), tries to murder Wonder Woman as she speechifies. But an Amazon whose name I don't remember (and I'm not even sure I should), throws a sword into Derinoe and murders her. But this is the good kind of murder, so she'll probably receive a hug for it. Amazon laws are confusing!

And that's it! No war breaks out. The Amazons who were against Diana concede that they were actually the problem and that maybe they should be punished. They're sent to Hephaestus's slave labor camp while Donna Troy is sent to a prison in Olympus. A new law is established that no male boy born on Paradise Island will ever again be thrown off of a cliff. Although how many babies are being born on the island? Aren't the Amazons immortal? And haven't they stopped having children since they don't go on those murderous, rapey sea raids anymore? I think this is just another useless law on the books!

And that's the end of the main story! I guess the Alien Bug People found their way home to Gaea with Cyborg and the Thunderbirds' help. Next up, a short story with art by Goran Sudzuka! That might help fool me into believing this backup story is well-written!

The back-up story is about Derinoe so the reader can understand why she was such a bitter evil Amazon! I hope it's not because that's her nature or else we'll have to let her off the hook. Hopefully she was just betrayed by love because a broken heart isn't an excuse to be a dick to everybody else. I think.

Many centuries ago, Hippolyta and Derinoe were frienefits. That means exactly what you think it means if you think it means something sexy that, as a male, I shouldn't be finding sexy because I'm making it about me and not about two women in love with each other. On the day this story takes place, Hippolyta's mother, Hippohippolyta, is meeting with the Spartans on Paradise Island. I bet the Spartans are going to act like pigs which will explain why Derinoe can't stand the idea of men on Paradise Island! And when I say "act like pigs," I actually mean "act like rapists" and I should probably apologize to pigs for implying that they'd ever commit a heinous act such as rape. They just love to root around in the mud and eat corpses. Nothing wrong with that!

The Spartans poison the Queen which causes Hippolyta to become Queen which causes her relationship with Derinoe to end. So she was betrayed by love! And men! And poisoned wine! I bet the whole Donna Troy story would have taken place in nearly the exact same way if Diana had opened a vineyard and winery on Paradise Island!

Derinoe saves Hippolyta's life from Hecate but turns into an old woman in the process. After that she spends centuries stalking Hippolyta and resenting her for having sex with a man. That's why she hated Wonder Woman! She was a reminder of horrible, untrustworthy, cowardly penis! Ptui! The end!

Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: If you really love a version of Wonder Woman that is atypical of the version of Wonder Woman most people love, you'll love this Wonder Woman! Although now that Meredith Finch's first training story is over, and DC Comics has entered the Fabled DCyou Period, perhaps things will change and this book will become a wonderful voice for feminism! And since David Finch is drawing it, we can be assured of many, many Wank Panels! So something for everybody!