Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #6

I sometimes make miniatures like this out of straw wrappers.

The Review!
Dog Welder dies saving the world and is added to the remembrance board at Noonan's.

Along with Steve Dillon.

The Ranking!
No change. Even though Steve Dillon died during this comic's run, it makes a fitting tribute to Garth Ennis's friend. It's also super gross because Constantine fucks a pile of guts and then throws up in his helmet when Bueno fucks him in the ass. Unless the splatter on the helmet wasn't on the inside but on the outside. Which is entirely possible and disgusting in quite a different way.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #5

Now I want to reread The Right Stuff. Although I really wanted to reread it after seeing Hidden Figures. That movie didn't have enough Gus Grissom in it.

I would review Hidden Figures but I know I'm not sensitive enough to handle something like that. Although here I go as I say, "My review would be something like 'Holy shit! I can't believe that one smarty-pants that sort of looked like Queen Latifah's daughter married that evil son-of-a-bitch Cottonmouth! And that woman who wanted to be an engineer was super adorable! And, um, so smart! Wooee! What a looker! I mean genius! That one part when Bull Durham knocks down the colored restroom sign was really good because it showed the most important part of the movie which was that sometimes white men stood up for black women's rights, even if it was only because it meant he could get more work out of them. Two parts of the movie really ruined it though. How come Sheldon wasn't good at math and no way that Scream Queens frat bro could be an astronaut. So unbelievable.'"

The Review!
I love that Constantine can call people "berks" in this comic book. What percentage of the audience does an editor have to assume can recognize a coded way of saying "cunt" before the editor cuts out the word? That's a serious question!

After Constantine calls a bunch of people berks, Section Eight steals a space shuttle and flies off to save the world. I guess Dogwelder needs to weld the Dogstar to somebody's face or something. Bonus story: Six Pack has an emotional breakdown.

The Ranking!
No change. Steve Dillon did the cover. It's like seeing a ghost!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #4

I wish the Portland Art Museum would get the Dog Welders Throughout History exhibit.

Yesterday, I received a call from a foreigner who wanted to tell me about my Windows 10 security issues. He began the conversation by asking, "Is this Tess?" And I was all, "Nope!" Nonplussed, he continued, "I'm calling about your Windows 10 security issues and I would like to--". At that point I interrupted him and said that I don't have Windows 10. This was as much a lie as my not being Tess. Again, he forged ahead with his script. I interrupted him one more time and asked, "How much is this costing you?" He said, "Oh, it won't cost you anything!" And I said, "No, no. How much is this stupid scam phone call costing you?" He paused for a second and said, "A lot. Send me the money!" As I was laughing, he hung up. Can I consider that guy my new friend because that was the best phone call I've had all year.

The Review!
I cut the commentary section short because all you need to know about this Garth Ennis book is contained in the following panel:

I suppose I also could have scanned a picture of Dog Welder welding dogs to somebody's face or Bueno Excellente trying to fuck something disgusting but they'd basically transmit the same information, just differing in degree.

Although I suppose, maybe, I should sum up the entire book--in fact, Garth Ennis's entire take on superhero comics--with this panel:

Usually this comic book depresses me because it's so physically revolting that I can think of nothing but my body's inevitable decay. But now I also feel I wasted my entire life while trying to ignore that fact!

Actually, I'm comfortable enough knowing that my life has been nothing but dogwelding, day in and day out. In college, I decided that I was the reincarnation of every great writer that had ever lived because I never learned anything new from anything I read. Everything just reiterated things I'd already contemplated, sometimes simply giving me names to past philosophical musings, like Taoism and Existentialism. I decided that my responsibility in life was to give my previous lives a break. This was the life where they could relax and have fun and just enjoy themselves. That's why I masturbate so much!

This issue ends with The Second Sign screaming out of space toward Section Eight. I hope it's Lobo!

Actually, it ends with a double page spread of Jesse Custer by Steve Dillon. He's dead so I won't critique his art!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #3

I hope the last thing Steve Dillon ever drew wasn't Six Pack's befouled pants or Dog Welder's hand up a dog's ass.

Holy shit! Thanks to Steve Dillon's cover which reminded my of artists whose art I don't really like which reminded my of Charlie Adlard, I just remembered I haven't watched this week's The Walking Dead! I'm such a slacker! I also haven't watched this week's Supergirl! Or the last two week's Scream Queens! I'm so far behind in my television watching. I haven't even mentioned all of the shows that have been on HBO or Showtime that I don't have easy access to which are in the queue of things to watch, if I can get to them before I die.

Anyway, Six Pack and Dog Welder are three issues in and they haven't traveled hard at all yet. But I shouldn't get angry because, according to the cover, they're finally going to get out of Gotham and head to England. I know most of you are probably thinking I'm an idiot because they're obviously in Egypt. As if Egypt still has any of their mummies! I admit the pyramids are are still in Egypt but I'm sure that's only because the British couldn't figure out an easy way to smuggle them back home.

This issue begins with Constantine saying "fuck" but in all asterisks which confuses me because this book is the same rating as Vigilante: Southland and they were able to print the actual swear in that comic book! Maybe that's because Vigilante didn't also have a guy with his hand up a dog's asshole. Garth Ennis probably had to make some concessions with the language to get in the dog fisting.

This issue is called "All He Left Us Was Alone" so now I'm weeping inconsolably and yelling "Daddy!" for some reason.

My first thought as I scanned this scene was, "Is this the same artist? Everything in Noonan's is so clean!" And then I noticed the little drop of liquid shit on the floor between Six Pack's legs and almost threw up.

Dog Welder wanders off so now the road trip has to wait for Hacken to tell Six Pack a story about something that happened to Dog Welder the previous year. But before Hacken can get to his story so that the story can get to the road trip, the story shifts to where Dog Welder wandered off to. He's gone off to see his kids! Which is probably the story Hacken was going to get to! You know, the one where Dog Welder's family came to find him and then he welded dogs to his kids' faces? I wish my father had showed that much affection.

Remember how I've often complained about John Constantine not being John Constantine now that he can't say cunt in his own comic book? Well, that's been rectified here! Um...sort of.

Berk is Cockney rhyming slang for cunt!

I know berk doesn't rhyme with cunt but you have to get past that! Cockney rhyming slang is more complicated than just thinking up a rhyme and using the rhyming word. That's too fucking obvious! If you called somebody a "hunt," they'd totally know what you were getting at! But if the rhyme for cunt were, say, "Berkshire Hunt" then you drop the last word, chop a syllable off the first word, and whammo! Berk! Now you can call people the worst word in the world and get away with it!

Section 8 arrives to calm the situation between Dog Welder and his ex-wife. He does this by guzzling vodka and throwing up between his fingers. That should work, right? When a maniac dressed in a welder's outfit shows up talking to you through a dead dog shoved onto his hand, it takes a back seat to a flying surfboard showing up carrying a pile of guts, a barely verbal drooling sodomite, a demon screaming his name, a drunk smelling of shit and piss, and a British guy in an astronaut's helmet, right? That's kind of like de-escalating a situation.

The cops also arrive but Constantine takes them out with his sci-fi Hellb-laser. Is that why he became a parody of the Silver Surfer in this? Just for the Hellblazer laser joke?

Dog Welder realizes that he can't go back to his family so that's his super hero cross to bear. I think it's the part of the comic book where Garth Ennis gets a big maudlin so that readers can think, "Oh yeah! Ennis knows how to write stuff that isn't just piss and puke and hating on super heroes and massively injuring the bad guy in innumerably unspeakable ways!" And then Constantine makes Dog Welder's family forget him so that nobody ever has to deal with that part of the story again! But he doesn't use the Hellblazer on Dog Welder because that would take away his need to be a hero. Remember what happened to Bruce Wayne when he forgot all about his childhood trauma?! He became boring and began helping children in the community instead of dressing them up like whackjobs and endangering their lives. So boring!

And then Section Eight finally hits the road! Or the skies! Or the surf! I'm not sure how to describe traveling by magical surfboard.

Once in Egypt, they must enter a pyramid because that's where all of the cool shit happens like turning guys into Metamorphos and all of the other comic book stuff that has happened in pyramids that I can't remember but I'm sure must have happened a lot. And that's when the mummies attack! Should I have used an exclamation point for that? It's not like it was a surprise or anything. Even if the mummies weren't on the cover, who was expecting anything other than mummies? I suppose curses and death traps too! But those are optional. You can have a trip to Egypt and the pyramids without those. But you can't leave out the mummies!

The Review
This issue wasn't as gross as some of the past issues so it didn't feel like I was reading a Section Eight comic book. Which on one hand is a good thing because I hate being reminded of how squishy and disgusting the human body is. But on the other hand, I really felt like the issue was missing something. Of course, on the other hand, that something was splatterings of semen, shit, piss, and vomit on every surface in the background and on everybody's clothing. I've now gone into debt on the amount of hands I've used to explain myself.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #2

Did Steve Dillon think this was Six Pack Loves Rabbit Welder?

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with John Constantine moaning about DC Comics merging the Vertigo titles which spawned from the DC Universe back into the regular DC Universe. He probably doesn't say anything about the Wildstorm Universe because he doesn't know about it and also because DC is bringing it back as its own thing. I guess they're kind of doing that for the Vertigo titles too but they're going to be Young Animals titles now. Because that name will probably make cool kids who read comics (which are actually just the least dorky of the nerds who read comics) think, "Young! That's me! And Animals? I'm wild like that! I'd only be more interested in these comic books if they were under the Random Hookup label!"

• The title of this issue is "Heckblazer" because DC wouldn't allow Ennis to use "Constantine Can't Say Cunt in His Own Comic Book Anymore."

Although he sort of says cunt here!

• The Spectre has returned to Gotham City to send Baytor back to Hell. Uh oh! Who's going to run Noonan's if Baytor is banished?

• Noonan, Nat, and Tommy get a cameo this issue in a memory! How long before Garth Ennis gets to write another Hitman series? I'm sure he can think up a reason to bring Tommy and Nat back, and some great stories to tell. Heck, he doesn't even have to bring them back. He can just tell new stories from the past.

• The Spectre doesn't remember what Baytor looks like due to DC's constant rebooting of the universe. So he keeps asking, "Who is Baytor? Who is Baytor? Which one of you is Baytor? Come on! Just say which one of you is Baytor?" And Baytor can't resist screaming the only thing he ever screams (well, mostly ever). Luckily Six Pack shuts him up before identifying himself. Section Eight has already lost enough members.

• Constantine tells Dog Welder that he can speak but he has to utilize the dog in a particular way.

This is all canon, right? Completely in continuity, right?

• Baytor finally manages to scream who he is. But he doesn't get sent to hell because everybody at Noonan's pulls a Spartacus on The Spectre. I don't see why The Spectre doesn't just send them all to Hell! What's it to him?

• The Spectre gets on the phone with God to find out what he should do. And whattya know? God thinks like me! He tells The Spectre to just send them all to Hell! That would probably make an entertaining and completely disgusting comic book all on its own.

• Dog Welder arrives and says "We are all Baytor" through the dog on the end of his fist. Apparently that's the first sign of some oncoming apocalypse. I think the second sign is The Spectre shitting his pants.

• Constantine knows of a real apocalypse that's headed Earth's way (probably the one he's bringing about by teaching Dog Welder how to be a proper incarnation of Dog Welder) that only Dog Welder can stop (because he's the only one who can start it?). But first he needs to train Dog Welder! Section Eight decides to tag along since they're supposed to be going on some kind of road trip in this thing and it's already been two issues without leaving Noonan's.

The Ranking!
+1! Ennis has been given this book to criticize DC Comics because what's new? Most of the time biting the hand that feeds you is a poor tactic. But occasionally, biting the hand that feeds you makes you a star! Or is this really just a case of biting the hand that feeds you when you don't need the food but the hand really needs to be associated with you so that the hand can make a shitload of money?

All Star Section Eight #6

This could have ended DK III before it begun thus saving me a load of money.

I probably won't have much to say about this comic book. I never really have much to say about All Star Section Eight. It's Ennis and McCrea having a goof about superheroes. Again. Although Superman stars in this one and Ennis gets Superman. Which is weird when you realize Garth Ennis doesn't really give a shit about superheroes and seems to find them patently ridiculous. And yet he's one of the few writers who consistently does a good job writing Superman. Probably because he doesn't view Superman as his superpowers but as his heart, motivation, and ultimate kindness for all people. Weird how that concept frustrates so many writers.

At the end of the last issue, Superman walked into Noonan's to rescues Sixpack. Superman's probably just a hallucination but what does that matter, right? Since he's already a fictional character, a hallucinated version of the fictional character really won't be that far off from the real thing. In fact it will be better than 95% of The New 52's portrayals of the real thing, probably.

Sixpack is having an existentialist crisis brought on by dying in the snow in an alley. Unless it's been brought on by drinking too much. Or maybe it was seeing his friends die horrible deaths because he told them they were heroes. Maybe he's just mentally ill. Is Sixpack freezing because he's lying in a snowbank or is it because he's visiting the Fortress of Solitude? And how can Superman help him figure it out? Or, um, how can a hallucination of Superman help him?

Sixpack's been asking himself if he's a hero or a loser lately. That's probably why he's finally worked his way up to thinking he's meeting Superman because Superman is the heroiest of heroes. Sixpack needs his advice.

Okay, okay, Ennis. Pull it back a little! Stepping on a lot of toes here!

That being said...I think this comic book is going to make me cry. Garth Ennis is ultimately going to defend superhero comic books. Sixpack will be seen as heroic simply because he believed in it and made the attempt to be so. And Superman will help him reach this realization by being uplifting and kind and understanding.

One time, I believed I had dreamt my life. I was on mushrooms in the parking lot of a strip club and I suddenly felt with absolute certainty that that had been my life and I had dreamed the person with the college degree who would be soon be driving a VW Bus across the country followed by a trip to Asia. I had simply believed that those things were in my future because my reality was like Superman's arctic panorama...too bleak to comprehend. Interestingly enough, I also believed that I came up with the concept of comic books during that period of mushroom induced madness.

Later, with Sixpack believing he's lying in the alley dreaming it all, Superman explains that maybe he is, and that maybe they should all be thankful for it. He mentions a story about a god dreaming it all and, if that god were to awake, reality would disappear. Here's another common thread I have with this story. The Red King of Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass always fascinated and scared me. When I first went online in the mid-nineties, I took the online name The Red King because the online world only existed while I was logged on. When I logged off--Poof!--out it would go like a candle.

Superman takes Sixpack to a park in Gotham where a statue has been erected of Sixpack claiming he's a superhero and savior of the world.

Superman then hands Sixpack some whisky to ensure that Superman will continue to exist.

Okay. I now see where I went wrong in assuming a hallucination of Superman would be equal to the regular old fictional Superman. It depends on whose doing the hallucinating, doesn't it? In Sixpack's mind, Superman gives people what they need and so Sixpack's Superman is an enabler!

Meanwhile, Grappler has realized he's in the most disgusting place in the DC You (Noonan's toilet) and decides to hang himself. Dogwelder almost returns to normal but then decides to weld his son's dog to the rest of his family. Powertool fries himself and Baytor heads back to hell. That just leaves Guts and Bueno Excellente and they're off honeymooning in the ladies' room. So Sixpack rushes off to torment passersby in the streets with a broken bottle of whisky as he battles an evil only he can see.

The issue ends with Sixpack either running around crazy or sleeping in a snowy alley wrapped in Superman's cape. It's ambiguous because none of it is real. But let's say the sleeping Sixpack in the alley is real. Then Garth Ennis got New 52 Superman exactly right! He's a fucking selfish dick who has decided that it's too risky to wake a dying drunk man to get him help because he might be dreaming the DC You!

All Star Section Eight #6 Rating: No change. What more could you expect from this comic book than commentary on the ridiculousness of super heroes, disgusting and offensive characters, and loads of drinking? I won't miss all the vomit and soiled pants, I tell you what.

All Star Section Eight #5

Yay! Zombie Section Eight is going to rejoin Section Eight!

So far, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, and Batman have all declined to join Section Eight. The cover has not helped me actually figure out who gets to be the all star this issue. Since it has a hell theme, I hope it's Etrigan!

Good enough.

The Phantom Stranger is into rap in Sixpack's probably near death hallucination. I guess it's because he wears a gold chain? Except it's really silver?

Sixpack isn't dead because he's really Sidney and he's in a fugue state. So instead he's just thinking he's visiting the afterlife with Hip Hop Phantom Stranger who takes a jab at Neil Gaiman and everybody else that worked on Vertigo titles, really. A friendly jab, I'm sure! And then The Phantom Stranger calls on some guests to help with the afterlife festival.

Yay again! Etrigan!

The Demon appears to tell readers to ask to get Ennis and Mcrea's Demon run printed up in a trade paperback. That's cool and all but I'd like to point out that Grant and Semeiks' run on The Demon was better! Just reprint the entire run for all the poor losers who don't own the issues.

The Phantom Stranger takes Sixpack to Limbo so he can visit his old teammates. He explains how Limbo is the place where DC Comics puts the characters that they're embarrassed by. If the same rule applies for the real afterlife, I can't wait to wind up there!

His old teammates send Sixpack back to New York where Sidney is lying naked in an alley freezing in the snow. Sixpack covers him up with his cape and then lies down beside him to keep him warm. And then he wakes up screaming back in Noonan's! Which life is real?! Are they both real?! Does it matter?! I think if I were living Sixpack's life in Noonan's with all the shit and vomit and human filth, I'd rather die in the snow in an alley outside of a pretentious art gallery.

Sixpack really begins to freak out when Superman comes walking in the door to take Sixpack home.

All Star Section Eight #5 Rating: No change. This issue wasn't as gross as the others although it had lots and lots of swearing! That's probably cool! Although the coolest part was that Superman showed up at the end to actually help Sixpack. Garth Ennis understands Superman so the next issue might wind up being one of the best portrayals of Superman since The New 52 began, and in an issue of the grossest and silliest comic book DC has put out since then. I really hope so because I'd love to see Superman actually being heroic even if it is in the hallucination of a dying drunk in an alley.

All Star Section Eight #4

Nobody wants to hear the truths these guys have to tell.

Logging on to Facebook is like asking to be disappointed in humanity. A friend of a friend posted the Mark Twain quote, "When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade without further introduction." They then went on to add, "Or better yet, 'When a man loves animals...'". Excuse me. You do not "or better yet" Mark Twain. Besides, you're missing the point of the entire quote if you think you can simply replace "cats" with any animal at all. I will now add you to my list of nemeses, Jackson Galaxy, whoever the fuck you are.

Another post by one of my friend's daughters about that gender fluid reporter from out of Ireland featured a comment by one of her friends in which she said, "I'm super gender fluid!" Well, la dee da! Aren't you the most special snowflake. I have a feeling a lot of young people are currently saying they're some sexuality other than heterosexual even if they are heterosexual simply because you're seen as a vanilla nobody on the wrong side of all causes if you're just a lousy, boring hetero. Well, I'm not afraid to be uncool! I'll say it now: I'm super heterosexual, Mr. and Mrs. Super Gender Fluid! Just ask any woman I've ever been with! I'm so super heterosexual that I've failed to please every single one of them because I get so super excited about the potential sex I'm going to have that I simply coat the inside of my pants leg with my love spunk. So there!

I know I'm not supposed to question things like people's expressed sexual identity but come on! I'm a cynic! I question everything! Young people love to do things that will increase their cool factor and they've never, in the history of young people (and older people, for that matter), hesitated to embellish things with a few lies here and there. Everybody wants to be more sexually diverse than the next person when all that matters is that, in matters of sex, you satisfy your partner however you can. All sex is the pursuit of the orgasm so vanilla sex is just as good as Double Fudge Crunch Oral so long as all parties involved come their fucking minds out. Although when one sexual activity is referred to as Double Fudge Crunch Oral, I can't help but think it's better than Vanilla. No wonder all the cool kids are fucking everything!

Before reading this issue, I took another look at the cover because Wonder Woman's negative space is super sexy. Although her torso is about one-fifth the size of her legs which, I think, is not the proper proportions for the human body. I could be wrong though since I didn't really do well in Biology. All of the tests were multiple choice but in that way that makes multiple choice really hard by having only the slightest variances in the answers and then saving choices D and E for things like "A and C" or "B and C". Fuck that professor.

I think Guts might have a problem with this speech.

Wonder Woman says one of those things you should never say if you're in a comic book or on Three's Company. She says that the only super-heroine who would ever join Section Eight is one suffering from brain damage. Besides being a super ableist thing to say (see how I added the "super" to make it literally five million times better? I'm practically a youth myself over here!), it also ensures that she's going to take a blow to the head which will allow her to join Section Eight. So walking out of the bar, Baytor accidentally hits her in the face with a Harley-sized mallet.

The title of this issue is "In Your Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights" because that was the most feminist part of Wonder Woman's theme song.

I think Diana got knocked down to Starfire level intelligence.

Wonder Woman excitedly joins the team even though Sixpack has doubts about allowing her in under these conditions. He feels like maybe it might be taking advantage of her and that's probably a thing Section Eight doesn't want to be known for, excluding Bueno Excellente. But Hacken tells Sixpack all about feminism and how no guy should stand in the way of what a woman wants to do so Sixpack thinks maybe it's not his call to tell Wonder Woman she can't be a part of the team even though she's suffering from a major concussion. It's all very ethically complex, especially when you're completely intoxicated.

Sixpack passes out or strokes out or has a heart attack or something. It's a bit unclear since he often lies on the floor of Noonan's in puddles of piss, shit, and vomit. While he's unconscious, Wonder Woman encounters Bueno Excellente and Guts.

No way is a wedding going to take place or else the cover would have had Guts in a bridal gown.

See the picture of Tommy on the wall? McCrea lifted that from his JLA/Hitman crossover:

I remember some stuff better than other stuff!

The wedding actually does take place and Guts looks radiant in her gown. Bueno cuts a nice figure in his coat and leather loincloth as well. Baytor presides over the marriage by reciting Revelations and screaming his name a bunch. When the ceremony ends, Bueno and Guts kiss to make it official.

Brain damaged Wonder Woman is adorable.

After the wedding, Wonder Woman rearranges the furniture in Noonan's (one of the tables has Hacken Hearts Ringo carved into it. So cute!) to create a hotel for Bueno and Guts to engage in Honeymoon activities. If anything is going to knock some sense back into Wonder Woman, it'll be watching Bueno and Guts deprave each other.

But since nobody wants to witness Bueno and Guts consummate their marriage, Baytor smashes Wonder Woman in the face with his mallet again because that's the only real remedy for a severe concussion. Sixpack pisses himself for probably the eighth time in this issue alone (it's hard to tell since his crotch is always seeping) as Wonder Woman gets back up. She declares none of this ever happened and Sixpack agrees since he sort of has the same deal with every other super hero in the DC Universe. As she walks out, Sixpack hears somebody telling Sidney that he needs to stop. But Sixpack isn't quite ready to let go of his hallucination in his alcoholic fugue state. He still needs to deal with a couple of more characters. Maybe next issue he'll meet Swamp Thing or John Constantine. I think they can help him.

All Star Section Eight #4 Rating: No change. Does this comic book really need to be reviewed? It's by Ennis and McCrea and it's about a ridiculous group of disgusting individuals, many of which he created in the pages of Hitman almost two decades ago. I'm pretty sure you know when you see it sitting on the shelf whether you're going to enjoy its humor or you're only buying it so you can rant about how offensive and tasteless it is online. That being said, this was a particularly funny issue with a fantastic cover by Amanda Conner because of that one leg and then the other one and then that place they meet.

All Star Section Eight #3

I guess this is a fart joke?

What have we learned from Section Eight so far that we didn't know before delving into this series? Alcoholism is funny? No, no. We already knew that. Lecherous sodomites would love a sentient pile of colon and intestines? No, I think Garth Ennis taught us that lesson in Preacher. Being a human being is ninety percent faking not being disgusting by showering regularly, wearing clean clothes, and keeping our lust in check? Yeah, I think that might be the main thing I'm learning here! One other minor thing I've learned is that reading a book about sweaty, drunk people in a sleazy bar makes me feel nauseated about the human condition and adds one more addition to the "PRO" column of my "Should I kill myself" spreadsheet.

Hopefully Martian Manhunter will bring a level of respectability and hope to this comic book so I can feel good when I'm done. Although it's not a good sign if he's blasting martian ass gas on the cover.

The issue begins with the revelation of the, um, person who stopped Bueno Excellente from masturbating while watching Guts undress.

Oh Christ. I'm going to start running the tub right now and hope I can find my razors for when I'm done here.

So that's canon now. Sir Percival Orifice, Tape of the Wyrm is a thing in the DC Youniverse! I hope he winds up in Twat Lobo's intestines. That might actually make that comic book interesting. And in case you didn't notice from the scan, Sir Percival has a cute little waxed mustache.

Even if this entire comic book winds up being Six-Pack's hallucination while in a fugue state, I'm just going to assume that the entire DC Youniverse was that hallucination which means Percival will still exist in the DC Youniverse.

While Bueno deals with his imminent duel with a tapeworm in Noonan's women's restroom, Martian Manhunter, in the bar proper, declares that he will join with Section Eight! He declares that Six-Pack's return has been the talk of every hero in the world!

I guess J'onn is taking one for the team. But apparently he smells so bad, he's going to get cut.

Maybe the smell is actually from all the weird shit going on in the women's bathroom. But I have a feeling J'onn is going to be blamed for it and kicked off the team. You can't have a putrid smell around Six-Pack who is constantly on the verge of vomiting. Although Guts made the team and she can't smell pretty.

Back in the toilet, Bueno discovers that he gets to choose the weapon of battle in the upcoming duel with Sir Percival and he's got one in mind. It probably involves sodomy.

Six-Pack gets a moment to talk to J'onn privately when J'onn follows Six-Pack out to the alley where Six-Pack makes room for some more alcohol. I might have to take a shower before I can finish this comic book. Human beings are gross. Hasn't Google invented the technology to attach my head to an automaton? And maybe my penis too.

Uh-oh. Six-Pack is getting meta-textual.

Martian Manhunter convinces Six-Pack that every hero has doubts. He even points out that people scream mean shit at him all the time like "You look like a douchebag in that gay-ass outfit" (I filled in the parts of the quote that were edited out in the comic book). J'onn convinces Six-Pack that the only way to quell the doubts and ignore the assholes is to find some action! It's finally time to hit the streets and battle evil! Maybe.

Six-Pack imagines Section Eight in action and it's exactly as glorious as I think it would be if these disgusting creatures could ever get their asses out of Noonan's.

I'm feeling a little better about being a gross human being now!

Before Six-Pack and Section Eight head out to battle the evil that Six-Pack has been warning everybody about, Martian Manhunter has to take a dump. But the men's room is out of order so he knocks politely at the woman's door. When nobody enters, he walks in on Bueno and Sir Percival's "Perve-off."

This probably takes place just prior to Martian Manhunter #1 and was the cause of the split between the superhero J'onn and Mister Biscuits.

Martian Manhunter goes insane and flies out through Noonan's roof. Also, to nobody's surprise, Bueno wins the Perve-off and the heart of Guts. This team has its first romance! It could get sticky! Heh, heh, heh. Excellente.

All Star Section Eight #3 Rating: No change. John McCrea might be an artistic genius. He captures so truthfully the opposite of majesty which is what being a human is really about. We are not majestic creatures. We are gross and disgusting and I can barely stand to look at any of us. All of the other comic books are lying with their beautiful people who you imagine must smell dreamy. That's not reality at all! Of course Garth Ennis helps what with writing the most disgusting characters he can think of. But McCrea really brings their putrid disgustingness to life in a way that truly turns my stomach. We are all so gross. Thanks for the reminder, Garth and John! That "thanks" was sarcastic, dicks.

All Star Section Eight #2

I know you can use the Lantern ring to make a baseball mitt, a one ton weight, and a sex doll...but alcohol? Come on!

Last issue, Batman turned down an offer to join Section Eight. This issue, Green Lantern turns down an offer to join Section Eight. Did I miss anything?

One thing I missed was that this issue is called "It's Not Easy Being Green" which is just a lazy title. It's probably been used as many times as Gorilla Warfare. Unoriginality is a plague that eventually visits most writers, even ones like Garth Ennis who is known for always being innovative and exciting because he never steals ideas from anybody but himself. Like how many times have you read a comic book by anybody other than Garth Ennis where somebody is sodomized? Pretty much never, right? And how many comic books have you read by Garth Ennis where nobody gets sodomized? Practically never! See? Total original, that guy.

This is the first ever presentation of on-panel fingering of a butthole in a mainstream comic book. If you discount the seven or eight times that happened in Preacher.

At one point during the comic book, Six Pack blacks out and hears somebody trying to council him for his alcohol. But he's able to maintain his fugue state, return to Noonan's, and continue his quest for Green Lantern. It's a good thing writers are still allowed to make fun of a serious illness like alcoholism. Although, if we're going to be frank about it, is alcoholism really an illness? Isn't "reality" the real illness here? Alcohol is just a friendly reminder that we don't have to be shackled to the horrible life we've made for ourselves! Instead, we can drink until we forget our families and our jobs and society's expectations of us. And sometimes some people imbibe too much friendly reminder far too often until their entire world falls apart. But then they start a new life and stop drinking because the real problem was the old life which walked out on them when they were drunk all of the time and the new life is an empty slate and a reason to start over! Yay for alcohol! You solved the problem yet again!

That's what Six Pack is doing! Alcohol allows him to be the super hero he's always wanted to be instead of that boring old life as an art critic.

Section Eight dress up like Green Lanterns so they can attract the attention of the real Green Lantern. It's one of those plans that is the exact opposite of foolproof. But at least Guts dresses up in a Slutty Vampire Costume (which is really just female underwear). So that's hot?

This comic book is just a twenty page reminder how disgusting it is to be a human being.

Bueno Excellente stops masturbating because he's suddenly challenged by a rival suitor. It's a mystery who it might be though because the scene changes before anybody but Bueno sees the suitor.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan stops by to battle a space dinosaur so Six Pack is going to get his chance to recruit him!

Garth Ennis should write a comic book where the Justice League just sits around badmouthing Batman.

Green Lantern is scared away from the interview by Section Eight because he...um...I don't know, thinks he's getting Punk'd or something? Maybe I'm too deep in the heart of my disease to understand what just happened. Stupid reality. Where's my medicine?!

All Star Section Eight #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what everybody who picked it up expected it to be. It's full of sweating and barfing and jerking off in dirty, desperate, despicable places. At least Garth Ennis put a dinosaur in a space helmet with a lightsaber in it or I might have slit my throat and just ended it all. Humans! Ugh. So gross.

All Star Section Eight #1

Oh! Oh! I know how this series will end!

Sixpack and the rest of Section Eight are going to be such complete nuisances and waste so much of Batman's time that it'll force Batman to resurrect Tommy Monaghan so that Hitman can keep Section Eight in control! And then Garth Ennis gets to write another run of Hitman!

The first thing I noticed about the cover was that Sixpack was probably fucking the Bat Signal. You just can't see his dick flopped out of his fly because his leg is in the way and he's drunk so little Sixpack isn't really up to the task. The second thing I noted was that the issue number doesn't have the tiny mini-series print "1 of 6" like on Bat-mite and Bizarro. Does that mean Garth Ennis is going to tell this story until he's done telling this story? Or does it just mean DC Comics made a mistake that will dash what little hope I have left against the rocks of ultimate despair? The third thing is I'm not drunk. I think I should be drunk while reading this. But I have to work tonight. I don't mind driving to each store drunk but it might be a little dangerous operating a floor buffer while intoxicated.

All Star Section Eight begins with a flash back to the Preboot Universe. You can tell it's the Preboot Universe because Superman and Batman have their underwear on the outside of their costumes. Plus the Narration Boxes are describing a time when super heroes were heroic and their battles meant more than just protecting their own lives and reputations.

The Narrator must be Sixpack because he goes on to say how the greatest heroes of the time always talked about the greaterest heroes of the time being Section Eight. That seems a bit farfetched! Unless they were constantly talking about them because they couldn't believe Section Eight actually existed. Especially Bueno Excellente.

And his dong! I didn't know you could show dong in a Teen Plus comic book! This is exciting!

The Narrator mentions a battle where Section Eight fell protecting the world and Sixpack sacrificed himself to save that world. But what happened to Sixpack? Where does the story go from there?

The scene opens on an art gallery in New York's Chelsea district where art critic Sidney Speck amuses the crowds with his bon mots and tales of gauche poseurs of the art scene. One of the guests at the opening mixes up the drink orders. Sidney winds up with a rye and coke instead of the diet coke he ordered. You see, Sidney is an alcoholic! He can't touch alcohol or he becomes...he becomes...he becomes an embarrassment.

I have to imagine one thing the Avengers and Defenders never talk about is how Bruce Banner completely shits and pisses himself every time he transforms into The Hulk.

Sidney rushes over to the bar and chugs a pint of whiskey before coming around and finding himself in his Six Pack costume inside Noonan's with Baytor still tending bar. Hacken is hanging out at the bar. He's still missing a hand which he lost during zombie night at the Gotham Zoo. One of the guys in the crowd looks like Nat the Hat but that would be impossible even if this were a comic book where demons tend bar and seals become zombies and drunks dressed in super hero outfits piss themselves during a minor fugue state in the middle of the dance floor.

But Dogwelder was alive in the Sneak Peek! I think Six Pack might have memories of another universe!

Sixpack mentions that Bueno Excellente is still alive. Of course he is! He was part of Matches Malone's gang in Batman Incorporated!

That's semen. It's possibly Lobo's semen. Or, more probably, Bueno's own semen he felched out of Lobo's ass. That's not a joke. It's a more than likely pretty apt description of Lobo's only encounter with Bueno Excllente.

Sixpack goes through his Little Black Book of Potential Superheroes to audition new members for Section Eight. They're all various Bloodlines characters that didn't make the grade. Basically no Bloodlines characters made the grade except Hitman. Okay, maybe a few had some minor appearances here and there. But DC Comic's grab for trademarks disguised as a huge summer annual crossover really didn't create any hit characters. Except for Hitman! Bloodlines was a pretty shit stunt but since I was reading The Demon at the time and Hitman made his first appearance in The Demon annual, I have to credit it for giving me one of my favorite comic books of all time.

Sixpack's new team is composed of Dogwelder (probably Dogwelder II since the first Dogwelder was, you know, white. Also killed), The Grapplah!, Guts, Bueno Excellente, and Powertool. That's six members! Sixpack just needs two more. Baytor seems pretty excited to join which would leave one last open spot for Batman. Probably.

This might be the most disgusting moment in any comic book ever. At least up until Bueno actually sodomizes Guts.

Batman does indeed drive through the neighborhood so Sixpack runs out to ask him to join. Sixpack also shits himself on the way. Batman doesn't really give Sixpack the attention a drunk man in shit and piss stained pants deserves because he has to deal with a meter maid and an ATM and constant costume changes. Plus he needs a really dramatic moment for McCrea to draw and make some extra cash on the original pencils.

Although to get top dollar, it really needs to have the word balloons added.

Batman does not join Section Eight. But now Sixpack is thinking big! Next issue, it's time to recruit Green Lantern!

Section Eight #1 Rating: This comic book gets Batman exactly right. How have all the other comic books been writing him so poorly for so long?! Overdramatic Batman who must deal with all the same problems of being a person living in a city is Real Batman! I know when I hit an ATM and then head back to my car, I whisper dramatically, "Got to move fast!" Sometimes before I use the ATM, I'll whisper loudly, "One. Last. Chance!" I bet this is the Batman that Catwoman fell in love with! And seeing Bueno Excellente back in action is just as disturbing as I'd hoped it would be.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2

I'm eating Carrot Cake right now, so I think I know who I want to win.

How many times have you gone to the library and suddenly realized, "Why am I drunk in a library?" Well no more! From now on, my comic book reviews are going to be so full of reviewer goodness that you'll wonder why you even bother to cultivate your own opinions!

Am I supposed to read the comic book before I actually review it? I've been doing this incorrectly for three years, so I don't know exactly what I'm doing. This will probably be how I'll feel when I have sex for the first time. I mean, ha ha! That was fiction! As a writer, I'm allowed to tell lies because it brings out the greater truth of the world. And the greater truth is that I've done it like infinity times and every time I do it, it's like doing it for the first time. Remember how incredible the first time was? I totally remember it like it was yesterday! Except it wasn't yesterday! It was, like, when I was twelve or something! But oh boy! Remember how great that first time was?! I mean, if you're male. If you're female, remember how incredible the time was when you finally decided to have sex with an older guy with experience who didn't premature ejaculate all over your clothing as soon as he saw you look directly at his cock? I'll leave the following paragraph blank for people whose first times weren't heterosexual because I don't want to erase their experiences by not writing about them at all because I can barely make up my totally real and believable first hetero experience, so I probably shouldn't even attempt to make up a first time experienced by other sexualities!

___________________________________________________________________________!

This issue begins with Pig Iron being teleportated into Multiversal Thunderdome by Alley Kat-abra so that Pig Iron can warn Captain Carrot about how crazy his opponent, Harley Quinn, really is. I think "Pig Iron" is some kind of old fashioned pun that none of the kids or the hip young cats understand anymore. Or is that "hep young cats"? This modern slang is tough to keep track of! I mean, this modern slang is of which tough to keep track!

Kal Kan was a kind of pet food! Who is writing this comic book? Mister Old Person Von Oldestperson?

Mister Oldestperson is actually doing a really good job of making me believe that these characters came out of a pre-1985, pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths universe. So that's a positive thing to say in my review! That means the comic book is doing well so far and I'm only on the first page! Do I start giving it stars right now? Is that how people get to three and a half out of ten star reviews?! I'm going to give it half a carrot for making me roll my eyes and check the year on the calendar. Good work, Mr. Oldestperson! I truly believe that these characters are from a time before things were interesting.

From now on when this comic earns or loses Review Carrots (those are like stars but bunnies are interested in them), I'll just add a note in parentheses like this: (+1). That one doesn't count! Plus I'll assume that all comics begin with Five Whatevers!

Pig Iron runs into Harley Quinn whose profile looks like a sexy rabbit so he obviously mistakes her for Captain Carrot. (+1)

"No squealers" means either Harley doesn't want Pig Iron telling Captain Carrot about her or she's not going to do it to him in the butt without his consent.

Harley smashes him into bits because Pig Iron is apparently a robot. That's the pig part of him. I mean the iron part! Dammit. I had a fifty percent chance to not screw that up and I did! Now I wish my backspace and delete keys weren't worn out from all of my previous backspacing and deleting!

Harley Quinn writes a message for Captain Carrot on the wall in Pig Iron's oil: "Rabbit Season." I don't think Harley Quinn watched enough Bugs Bunny cartoons! She should not be willingly taking the role of Elmer Fudd in this battle! Now the issue can't end any way except with Harley shooting herself in the face with a shotgun.

I bet there's a scene where Captain Carrot says, "It's Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Rabbit Season!" And Harley says, "Clown Season!" And then Harley will shoot herself in the face.

Captain Carrot mutters, "You shall be avenged, old buddy," to Pig Iron's corpse which is weird because they're cartoons and Pig Iron will be just fine. Heck, when I turn the page, his head, torn from his body and lying in a pool of oil, will probably answer Captain Carrot with a "Thoinks good buddy!"

Get it? I said "thoinks" instead of "thanks!" Just the way a pig would say it!

After Captain Carrot says that think about avengeance, the comic book reverts to one hour earlier. I hate when comic books do that (-0.5!). But I guess we need to see how Captain Carrot got to this point. We know how Harley did! She ran out of medication, began talking to invisible fish, was told by her friends that she couldn't defeat a costumed rabbit, and then probably pooped on the coffee table before running from the room with her mallet going "Yoik yoik yoik yoik yoik!"

Check out the Amazing Fetish Crew in the top panel! I had to say that because you probably didn't notice it being that you're probably not as good at reading comics as I am.

Here comes Harley pleasantly accepting the role of Elmer Fudd! She's not very bright when it comes to cartoons. Although Captain Carrot is the good guy, so I guess Harley is doomed to lose no matter what. It's not like that coyote that was really a crazy clown ever caught the roadrabbit, right? She's destined to lose. And not only lose, but have horrible things happen to her! Running into cliff walls with painted on tunnels. Acme safes falling out of the sky. Shotguns. Lumps of tea that aren't sugar at all! The good guy and the rabbit always come out on top!

Harley lies to Captain Carrot and tells him that she has a whole bunch of super powers that she doesn't actually have. The only super power she has is Pants on Fire. Unless the arena they're fighting in is like the Roller Playing Game "Toons" where the combatants can pretty much do anything they can think of. Back in the Zoo Crew Universe, the New Zoo Revue Gang are trying to figure out a way to help Captain Carrot.

Remember that show New Zoo Revue? It was so creepy! It was this gay guy and his beard and they lived in a village with a gigantic mutated owl, a juvenile delinquent frog (also giant and mutated), and a prissy hippo with the biggest nostrils anybody has ever seen. It had a theme song that went something like "It's the New Zoo Revue! Coming right at you!" That was always my cue to dive behind the couch and pray.

Meanwhile funny stuff happens that you wouldn't believe if you didn't read the comic book and you were too cheap to buy it and you expected me to tell you all of the jokes but now are sorely disappointed in my story telling skills (+1)(+1)(+1)(+0.5!).

People say that tight clothing leaves nothing to the imagination but if you've never seen a naked woman before, you better believe you'd be imagining a whole lot of different stuff! Like what does a lady's pee-pee look like and how come in tight clothing I can't see the outline of it?!

After Harley (and Steve Pugh because he's the writer and a traitorous unloyal jerk because of the thing I'm going to point out after the parentheses close) says, "I wish Animal Man were here. Hey, I wonder if anyone's ever said that before?", Pig Iron appears out of a Alley Kat-abra's magick portal. The comic book catches up to how it started except it shows one important scene that's probably important if you like your Harley dangerous but not mean to animals: Pig Iron is teleported back to Zoo Crew Revue World by Telos's robots because he wasn't supposed to participate in the battle. But he peed a little oil and dropped his belt buckle when Harley hit him with her hammer. It's his urine that Harley uses to write Rabbit Season on the fence.

Harley and Captain Carrot wind up on the roller coaster when that mysterious earthquake hits. The tracks crumble, sending them (and Harley's fish, Mister Mackeral Cakes) to their tiny deaths. Tiny deaths is a euphemism for being unconscious, right?

The tiny deaths don't last very long though.

Oh my god! I just realized Harleen is a doctor! And Captain Carrot is a rabbit! So is he going to say it?! Is he?!

Harley says, "Hey, what's up?" That's as close as DC's lawyers would probably let them get, I guess.

So later, Catwoman, Harley, and Ivy team up again to travel the world in a florist's van. Also the earthquake hits while they're leaving so I guess the earlier rumble was simply the roller coaster falling apart because Harley smashed some structural supports with her hammer.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2 Rating: 9.5 Review Carrots! Hello my baby! Steve Pugh can write jokes! I always knew he was funny because have you seen his art? HA! Burn! And a zing! That was a burnzing! Now that I'm doing actual reviews, maybe I'll get a blurb in a trade paperback! Hey DC Comics! I said one of your comic books was good! You can quote me on that! My name is Grunion Guy! With two "G"s! I'll give you my bank account information when you're ready to pay me for using my blurb!

Divergence: Section Eight
"Befuddled hero Sixpack returns to Gotham City, desperate to rebuild all-star team Section Eight -- the greatest super heroes of all time, unseen since t end of the hit series Hitman!"

Yay! Yay! So many yays! Section Eight is back! And they're probably going to save the world from Darkseid! I can't wait to see Darkseid with dogs welded onto him as he's thrown out of a window after his honeymoon with Bueno Excellente!

The Sneak Peek begins with Dogwelder sneaking out of the Gotham City pound with a sack full of dogs ripe for the welding. As he's leaving, he runs into some wannabe newbies just itchin' to be members of Section Eight!

Unless they're trying to make a name for themselves by killing Dogwelder!

I don't think they're cool enough for Section Eight. Look at these heroes!

Okay, maybe Guts will make the cut.

Powertool asks Dogwelder what happened because he seems to remember hearing that Six Pack and the others all died. I guess he doesn't realize DC Comics had a Reboot! That was like a dream now or something. Although Hitman is still dead according to Batman and Robin #27. Unless it wasn't really that clear! I do keep hoping Tommy returns as well.

Grapplah gets too up in Dogwelder's face and Powertool asks too many questions and Guts, well...look at him! Ew! So Dogwelder gets them to leave him alone the only way he knows how: by welding dogs!

I hope there isn't a sudden rash of dogweldings or DC Comics will be up the courtroom creek!

It's a good thing we had this prologue to Section Eight! I was worried that Dogwelder was stealing living dogs from the pound and welding them to people. It's comforting to know he's just using the ones murdered by the pound. I wonder if he'll get an archenemy in this series: Catgrafter!

This is going to be the best comic ever published.