Red Hood Loves Arsenal #6

This cover is all wrong. Roy Harper's brains should be splattered all over the place.

I fucking can't stand Facebook. I'm only on Facebook to stay in touch with all of the jerks with whom I play Call of Duty! Otherwise it's just a sea of inane statements proving to me just how fucking stupid every single person in my family truly is. They take fucking quizzes that proclaim only the smallest percentage of people will be smart enough to pass the quiz and then crow about how fucking smart they are because they passed. Really, Cousin NAME REDACTED? If you were so fucking smart, you'd realize those quizzes are merely created to jerk you off. Links to stupid fucking articles full of vitriolic nonsense that back up their idiotic opinions! Status updates where they think they're holding an intelligent opinion but they're just expressing their own selfish prejudices! The stupid site makes me so angry! Why are these dumb people so happy with posting bullshit on a near constant basis?!

Currently the popular thing is that vonvon app that makes a picture of the words you most use on Facebook. Considering that I fucking can't stand Facebook and generally only participate by saying the most snide crap on other people's status updates (because I embrace that I'm a bitter fucking prick who wishes he could be happy with the constant stream of inane bullshit that life throws in your path), I decided to try it. So here are the results of my most commonly used words on Facebook.

Apparently it doesn't work if all of your settings are private. I imagine if, like all of my friends and family apparently, I wanted everybody in the world to see every stupid thing about me, this picture would have been one gigantic FUCK with a few smaller satellites of SHIT, CUNT, ASSHOLE, and OREOS.

This issue begins on some good notes and some bad notes (which will eventually deteriorate into all bad notes)! The good note is that Arsenal was really shot in the head. At least that's what the first page picture seems to indicate. Blood everywhere. The Joker's Daughter's gun is smoking in the way that modern guns don't actually do. Sure, his head is off the page so I don't instantly know that he only has a superficial wound because he's a Rockabilly Genius who knew to turn his head in just the right way to not be shot in the brain. But for now, let's just be happy that Roy Harper is too dead to Narration Box.

The bad notes are all of those speech bubbles full of unfunny bullshit. Who is the moron that told Scott Lobdell he was hilarious?! Tell me! Who was it?! Because I need that person in my life to bolster my fragile ego too!

Who is she talking to?! Oh yeah, she's crazy. She probably says hilarious stuff like this constantly. The funniest part is how she refers to herself as a Millennial. Good job getting that bit in, Scott Lobdell! The Millennials will flock to this character if you tell them over and over again that she is one of them even if she's written by an old fart who can't get the voice of young people correct no matter how often he fails at trying.

Apparently The Joker's Daughter was talking to somebody (even if accidentally since it seems like they just happened to walk up on her (stop wondering what everybody is doing on the top of a building)) and it was the members of The Hero Manifesto! "Who are they?" you say because you're an idiot who doesn't know comic books at all. Also they were just recently created last issue so don't feel bad when I try to make you feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong (it was your parents who fucked up). Don't worry about no knowing who any of these characters are because The Joker's Daughter knows and she's going to name them all for us! And don't worry if you're also wondering, "Who is this Red Hood Arsenal that has his name on the cover? Der?!" That'll be explained soon too, I'm sure! This comic book always wastes the first five or six pages on recaps and introductions because it means less work for Scott Lobdell who really hates to write because he's so terrible at it.

How did anybody in the Nethers even learn of this group? They were created like sixty seconds ago!

The Hero Manifesto agree to hire The Joker's Daughter if she can kill Red Hood as well. Then she cartwheels off the roof and says "fun" about fifty times because she's so wacky and adorable. What a Millennial!

The Joker's Daughter easily tracks Jason Todd down to a plane leaving Gotham. That's because the people in the Nethers know everything. It's easier to write a story when characters can just know stuff. Who wants to read all the boring panels where people are doing research and investigating? I'll give that up for all of these nonsense shortcuts any day! Who wants to hear Scott Lobdell try to actually explain the scientific reasons why one of Roy Harper's experimental arrows actually works?! Just mention how he's a Rockabilly Genius about five thousand times and then when Roy goes to explain his latest Day Sex Mockingjay, have Jason Todd cut him off with a few shut the fuck ups!

So The Joker's Daughter appears on the wing of the plane Jason Todd is in which immediately gets into the air and then flips around and tries to land just as quickly. I don't think the timing and position of the plane matter. Is it on the ground when The Joker's Daughter shows up? Is it in the air? Has it turned around to land? Did it never take off at all? Bah! Useless details! Petty distractions! The real point is that Jason Todd kicks open the emergency door of the plane so he can fight The Joker's Daughter on the wing. Exciting!

Well, I was wondering how you got here! I guess the ticket explains it as well as her Nether Information Highway. Although she never actually spent any time going through Roy's pockets. Maybe she had time after shooting him and before standing back with smoke pouring out of the muzzle of her gun to make her speech about bad jokes.

I don't know how public Arsenal is with his secret identity but it doesn't matter now, right? Unless the airlines allow him to fly under the name "Arsenal", The Joker's Daughter now knows who he is. Oh wait. I'm sure they all fly under aliases anyway. Stupid Dick Grayson giving all of the Bat-kids and their friends fake IDs!

Back to Roy Harper, it turns out he was just shot with a paint ball full of gore. That fooled everybody long enough for Roy to regain consciousness just in time to murder Suzie Su again with an arrow to the back of her neck. In the previous scene, Jason Todd declared that Roy Harper couldn't be dead by this kid. But the truth is, he could be dead by her. If The Joker's Daughter had been using real bullets, Roy Harper would be dead now. Some fucking hero, right?!

Of course, if she had been using real bullets, Roy Harper would have dodged the bullet and kicked her ass. How do heroes get so lucky all the time?! When the villain gets the drop on them, they're never killed! But when the villain really is trying to kill them, the villain never gets the drop on them! I'm starting to think comic books are written for brain-dead assholes!

Did I just hurt my own feelings? Dammit!

Oh my god! Just put your dick in her mouth already!

So what? Now Jason Todd is going to be seeing himself in everybody he battles? Oh no! Underbelly was created by The Joker! He deserves a second chance! Oh no! The Joker's Daughter is lost and crying out for help! She deserves to suck my peener! Maybe this entire series is going to wind up being some kind of therapy session via Hugo Strange and a bunch of drugs injected directly into Jason Todd's brain! That's why it has so many mimes in it!

The plane lands (How did it get in the air and land at the same airport in the space of one or two minutes?!) and Jason Todd loses his grip. But The Joker's Daughter manages to survive by being crazy and/or knowing some gymnastics. The scene provides a good example of Scott Lobdell's poorly thought out and unedited writing. The Joker's Daughter says, "I almost believe you. Or not." Ha ha! Funny, right? The "or not" is almost as hilarious as adding "again" to a statement! Jason Todd averts his eyes because he thinks she's going to die. He thinks, "She must be a pink and purple stain on the tarmac." Then he sees her getting away and thinks, "Or not." Ha ha! Even funnier the second time on the same page and from a different character than the first time! I guess giving each character a different voice isn't something Scott Lobdell bothers with. I totally understand that! I'm the opposite! I can't even stay in one voice in the same commentary when all of these dumb words are supposed to be from the same person's head!

Not only do the characters share the same voice, apparently they also share all of the same information!

How the fuck does Roy know about the Hero Manifesto?! Does he have contact with The Nethers too? Or does he simply remember everything anybody says in his proximity when he's unconscious or sleeping?!

Palette attacks Roy and he kills him too. But at least he feels bad because he's started drinking again in Titans Hunt. Or something. I don't know. Why would anybody allow Scott Lobdell to tie his story into their story?! Keep this guy's taint far away from you work, other DC writers!

The Joker's Daughter returns to The Hero Manifesto so that they'll explain why they want Red Hood and Arsenal killed. They tell her because it's always nice when somebody is interested in your work. Apparently it has nothing to do with them having killed just about every member of The Hero Manifesto. It's really just about crushing "vigilantes for hire" competitors. The Joker's Daughter finds it funny because she finds everything funny. Which totally makes her the opposite of a Millennial since they find very little funny.

Jason Todd follows The Joker's Daughter and arrives in time to blow off the heads of the mimes (who weren't real anyway). Roy Harper shows up to shoot Sara Phina, the final member of The Hero Manifesto, in the face with an arrow. That's when the big twist takes place! The Joker's Daughter wanted to join The Outlaws! She didn't want to kill them at all!

During the epilogue, all of the members of The Hero Manifesto (including the mimes who lost their heads and disappeared from reality) are all alive and accounted for and ready to be shipped off across the sea. I guess Jason Todd and Roy Harper have reformed (even if they actually killed all of these now not dead people earlier in the story. Hooray for nonsense!). Plus Jason Todd hires The Joker's Daughter to be part of their Heroes for Hire bullshit.

What editorial mandate was this? How long before Red Hood goes back to killing?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #6 Rating: No change. So Red Hood and Roy Harper are done with killing people! Pussies. But at least all of the people who love Red Hood and love Arsenal but hate seeing them written by Scott Lobdell have company! Welcome fan favorite The Joker's Daughter to ruination! I can hear The Joker's Daughter's fans rolling over in their black sheets in their black painted room full of blacklight posters of unicorns! We're gonna have a good time in this comic book now!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #5

If Red Hood and Arsenal are busted by Batman, it's only because they wanted to be busted by Batman and he fell for it. What a dope!

Whenever I read this comic book, I think, "How does he do it? How does Scott Lobdell, a severely older person, manage to nail what it's like to be a young person?" I suppose he's just that great at writing and imagining things! I can never figure out how to make young characters act so I just fill all of my stories with old people. Otherwise my stories sound contrived and poorly researched. One time I went to an arcade to talk with young people so I could pick up some of their slang and learn to talk like them. Then I wrote this scene based on my observations.

Male Teenager: "Oh yeah. We're heading up to the Twenty One Pilots show later. You got the Molly?"
Female Teenager: "Not yet. I plan on scoring some on the...what the fuck?"
Male Teenager: "Hunh?"
Female Teenager: "Ew. That creepy fucking old guy at the next table keeps fucking staring at me."
Male Teenager: "Who? That weirdo with the 'fro scribbling in his notebook? What a fat loser."
Female Teenager: "Ugh. He's so gross. Hey! Old fuck! You never seen tits before?"
Male Teenager: "Want I should beat his ass?"
Female Teenager: "Fuck no. I'm going to beat his ass myself if he keeps fucking scribbling in that stupid fucking notebook! You hear me, you eye rapist?!"
Male Teenager: "Is he...oh god! He just pissed himself!"
Female Teenager: "Ha ha! Let's get the fuck out of here. Whackjob."

Most of that scene is fictional and only based slightly in reality on my observations. I made most of it up in my head and, anyways, I spilled my Coke in my lap.

Like last issue, this issue begins with Batman battling Red Hood and Arsenal. It starts off with Jason Todd thinking something super smart the way young people are constantly thinking things smartly.

I've left my house dozens of times and I still manage to get back in! Whoever made up that saying must have had a poor sense of direction.

Whoops. I guess Red Hood and Arsenal are now working with Batman. I couldn't remember if they'd gotten past the point where the good guys realize they should be teaming up instead of fighting. I guess they have. Batman is blasting Underbelly with sonic blasters which makes sense because loud music is cool to young people. Commissioner Gordon (who is in the bat armor in case you didn't know since nobody narrated that it was him so how could you know if you just picked up this issue?) is yelling, "Freeze! Or don't." I'm not sure that sounds like something Old Man Gordon would say since he's an old man and you know old men don't say snarky, whimsical things that totally crack me up every time.

Luckily for new readers, Red Hood introduces himself on the next page. And everybody is reminded that Roy Harper is a "Rockabilly Genius." I'm always thankful of that reminder so when Roy Harper creates some technological marvel out of silly putty and used retainers, I don't have to think, "Wait. What? How is that even possible?" I can just think, "Way to go, Rockabilly Genius! You are the master of the Day Sex Mockingjay!"

Underbelly, being a criminal thought and not actually a living organism, reconstitutes itself right when the Rockabilly Genius says it will. It then knocks out Batman because who needs an old person getting in the way of the hilariously exciting fight that's about to take place!

But first an appropriately overly long explanation of Underbelly's origin! By Underbelly! And to the two guys trying to kill it!

I'm so glad Scott Lobdell spends as much time as he does explaining and reexplaining the story or I'd never be able to follow this comic book. How can anybody of above average intelligence read this comic book? It probably comes off as patronizing to people who can actually remember things. New readers are probably really thankful for all of these reminders of things said and done in previous issues as well because how else would they follow the story if they didn't pick up the previous issue? As a person who reads this series consistently, I do not at all feel cheated by all of these wasted pages written without any thought to the loyal fans who already know all of this stuff. I get that it's a necessary evil in comic book writing. Also it makes writing each issue easier for poor, overworked Scott Lobdell who can burn through five or six pages just repeating things from the last issue.

Whoops! I thought the one page I scanned was the end of Underbelly's monologue. But he goes on to explain how he fed off the evil and corruption of Gotham until he became the evil and corruption of Gotham! He became the reason Gotham was so horrible! He was the ultimate criminal mastermind and evil influence! It all makes sense now. Underbelly is why Gotham is so awful and Red Hood and Arsenal are going to kill it and save the city!

I'm actually surprised they didn't kill Underbelly while he was wasting time explicating the plot. They're slackers.

Roy Harper is always ready with a timely cultural quip!

Three pages ago, Red Hood said he was going to kill Underbelly. But while writing the interim pages, Scott Lobdell had a better idea and that was to show how Red Hood is more compassionate than Old Man Batman! He realizes that Underbelly deserves a second chance because The Joker was involved with creating him. Hey! That's a lot like how Batman gave Red Hood a second chance even though he came back as a murderous jerk! Why shouldn't Jason Todd reform Underbelly? I knew Jason Todd was an empathetic, compassionate, understanding hunk! But before Red Hood can give Underbelly a hug, Old Man Batman jumps up and begins beating Underbelly in the face!

Ha ha! Yeah! He's totally a butt! Trying to arrest people who have broken multiple laws and murdered countless people! Daring to think people aren't above the law even if they're breaking the law for their own good reasons! Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt!

Roy Harper runs off to fetch his Day Sex Mockingjay when Jason Todd is suddenly possessed by Underbelly! Oh no! He's turned on Batman! I wonder how this is...oh wait. He's not possessed. That was just...um...a twist? A bit of tension that totally wasn't contrived? Another point where Scott Lobdell changed his mind after he thought up a better idea a few panels later? I don't want to call that bit of drama a misstep but...well...you know what? I'm probably just too dumb to understand this comic book. Red Hood was almost possessed because Underbelly can possess evil people but Red Hood isn't evil and that was the point of showing how he was possessed for a little bit. To show he's not evil because Underbelly can only possess evil hearts and Jason Todd's heart isn't evil which is why he was only possessed for a short time. Um. Anyway.

The Rockabilly Genius returns and shoots his Day Sex Mockingjay arrow into Underbelly and the fight is over. Underbelly is destroyed from coast to coast! "How did it work?" you ask? I'll tell you how it worked: Arsenal is a tech genius who is also rockabilly but not in any way that you would recognize as rockabilly which is why you have to constantly be reminded lest you forget. Boom! Underbelly destroying arrow. Totally explained in the comic book and completely makes sense. I suppose. I'm not a genius so if Roy says the arrow has an EMP neural disrupting gas delivered by electricity which can also be relayed through satellites to all parts of Underbelly across America, I'll take his word for it.

Old people lack all conviction! I thought Red Hood had a rap sheet a mile long? And now you aren't going to arrest him? Bah. No wonder old people ruined the world!

Meanwhile in Mexico some group called the Hero Manifesto are planning to kill Red Hood and Roy Harper. It's chilling! I can't wait!

Later, Jason Todd runs into Bruce Wayne at the Lucius Fox Home for Wayward Youths. Bruce Wayne doesn't recognize him and Jason Todd doesn't know why. But then that's perfect! Because Jason Todd is always thinking, "I would never say this out loud but..." and then he thinks something that he should really say out loud because it would be nice to hear! So now that Bruce doesn't know who he is, it's the perfect time to hug him and thank him for everything! Otherwise Jason Todd would have just thought, "I would never thank him out loud even though I totally want to thank him!" I guess Jason Todd now respects what Bruce did for him rather than still being angry for whatever reasons young people have to be angry at older people for?

Yay! Roy Harper is dead! No more fucking Roy Harper Narration Boxes! No more stupid inexplicable weapons! No more fucking rockabilly genius! No more...err, I mean, NOO! NOT ROY! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #5 Rating: +1000 Rankings! How come DC Comics doesn't publish more comic books like this? Scott Lobdell has his pulse on the finger of the youth! Has any comic before this ever had this kind of plotting or characterization? I think you'd have to say, "No, sir! Not at all!" If DC Comics really loved money, they would remove Scott Lobdell's brain to find out how it worked. Then they would apply their knowledge to the hiring of other writers by comparing their brain to Scott Lobdell's! Judging by the results, they would know instantly if the new hire were a terrifically great writer or a superbly horrible writer who might be the worst writer ever! Scott Lobdell, I implore you for the sake of the comic book reading community: give your brain up for science!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #4

I bet Batman loses because he's an adult and adults are BLECH!

This is my favorite comic book that DC puts out each month. It is full of action and rebellion and hilarious jokes. My favorite character is the rockabilly genius. He is so rockabilly and smart! One of the things he does that is totally hilarious is when he says to himself, "Note to self!" Then he says a thing that he wants to remember later! His name is Roy Harper and he is a red-headed, half-Navajo, recovering alcoholic. His best friend in all of the world is Jason Todd, also known as the Red Hood. He is quite funny himself. When he meets somebody who annoys him a little bit, he shoots that person in the face with two guns! Ha ha! Take that, minor annoyance! You deserved it! They are currently working as Freelance Vigilantes which is a much better career choice than Salaried Vigilantes because they have more free time to themselves and they get to be picky about the jobs they choose. But they have to be careful being freelance! If they are not careful, they will find they did not put enough money away at the end of the year to pay all of their taxes! That could shut them down for good!

This issue begins with Roy and Jason visiting Gotham City to promote their business. If you are new to this comic book series, do not worry. Jason Todd narrates the story and makes sure at the beginning of every issue that new readers can be caught up on who he is. In this issue, he explains that he was a Robin and that he was pretty good at it until he died. Ha ha! That is a good joke, correct? If he were pretty good at the job, he would not have died while attempting it. Then he points out how he came back to life with a huge mad-on. Oh! I know that phrase! When a writer wants to show just how well they can write while also connecting with a young, rebellious audience, they drop in the phrase "mad-on." When you see that phrase, you know exactly the quality of writing you will be getting in the comic book.

Roy and Jason have encountered Batman on the first page of the comic book. That makes things very exciting because nobody wants to read about how they traveled from Detroit to Gotham. That would be very boring and I would not want to continue reading the comic book. But this is very exciting! I am literally excited! Pretty soon, Batman, who is an adult, will learn a lesson about not taking young people lightly! Young people are very smart and know a lot of things that old people are too stupid and biased to know. If old people were smart then they wouldn't have had so much sexism and racism in the world before young people could change it, right?

I really like how much Roy and Jason narrate the story so that I can be right inside of their heads and know everything they are thinking. It helps me to understand their motivations which would be difficult to understand if I just looked at the pictures and read the dialogue because the narration often contradicts the dialogue and images. Plus Roy and Jason can be very snarky inside their heads in ways that they are not being snarky with their mouths. It is so funny that I cannot be drinking soda while reading the comic book.

Ha ha! I thought this was funny when Jason Todd was just being sarcastic. But it reaches a whole new level of hilarity when he makes the clarification that he was being sarcastic!

Roy Harper makes a great pun about throwing the baby out with the bat-water which I didn't get at first and had to look up because I'd never heard the phrase "to throw the baby out with the bathwater." But once I realized that was a thing older people say (which Roy knows about because he is a genius), it was super funny. I'm not sure what the phrase means or how it fits into the battle but it's pretty clever anyway, right?

Even though the comic book began perfectly by starting with a battle, the story winds up jumping back to hours earlier when no fighting was taking place. It is slightly disappointing because I just want to see Red Hood and Arsenal kick the butt of the new Batman. But I guess I don't mind since I now get some conversation between Roy and Jason which should be hilarious.

In case you missed it earlier when Jason Todd narrated that he was the Red Hood, or the part where Robot Batman called them "Red Hood and Arsenal," Jason Todd explains in his narration that he is Jason Todd and Red Hood and his friend is Roy Harper and Arsenal. I'm super glad that he continues to clarify this stuff because you never know when a new reader will pick up a new issue and begin reading it on page four.

See? Roy Harper is a genius. He already knows how to defeat Underbelly. You can tell because he pointed out that he was being brilliant with his new idea that would probably make perfect sense if Jason Todd had let him finish his thought.

Jason Todd runs into a woman that used to care about him a lot when they were both just kids on the street. He could never drive her away from him because she was totally in love with his tight abs and rebellious attitude. He would say, "Get away from me! I can take care of myself!" And Gabby would be, "Oh my! I think I just peed myself with love pee!" He remembers this one time where she was very nice to him in the past. It only lasts for half a page but now I know exactly how much she means to him and how much he meant to her and I hope they kiss and do the other things that happen after the kissing! The thing that makes them both pee love pee! That is an adult thing but I understand it just fine. I have seen the pornographic websites on my father's laptop that doesn't work anymore for some reason.

Jason leaves Gabby a thousand dollar tip instead of taking her into a seedy motel bedroom like she really wanted. He then goes off to pout about Batman saving his life as a kid because look where that got him! Dead, that's where!

Roy Harper has gone off to meet Killer Croc under an Alcoholic's Anonymous Meeting. He lied to Jason about going there because Roy and Jason are best friends and completely trust each other. So much so that they can lie to each other's faces and know that the other one already knows they're lying and nobody needs to explain anything and it saves face and makes dignity and is not immature at all but very realistic.

This dialogue would be easier to understand if Jason Todd narrated what they were talking about! More narration please, Mister Lobdell!

Meanwhile "behind" the Mexican Border, Palette wakes up full of holes. I don't know why he's called Palette but I think it's because he loves having paint mixed on him. He was dead but now he's not. That probably somehow explains why Suzie Su is staring at him from the corner of the room. See, she was dead once and now she's not! I'm glad she's back and alive because Jason Todd really isn't the cold blooded murderer that some writers like to portray him as being. So when he previously shot Suzie Su in the face, he probably knew she would come back to life and that he wasn't actually murdering her at all. Although Jason Todd is no Batman and he understands that bad people sometimes need to die, he's not as cruel or vicious as that scene where he murdered Suzie made him look. He's really just a lost, angry kid who had a lot of bad breaks and feels like he was abandoned by his cherished father figure. He just needs to be loved! But not in the peeing love pee way of love. He needs caring non-doing-it intimacy like you would get from your mother or your uncle or a dog. He needs hugs, the poor baby!

Why is Jason Todd always thinking things he would never say out loud?! What kind of person hides their true thoughts?! Poor damaged baby-faced, rock-hard-absed Jason Todds, that's who! My poor sweetie!

Jason Todd believes the city is only behaving because it's being watched by cameras. How did that ever stop Gotham from behaving before?! He doesn't want to be watched doing whatever it is he's going to do, so he shoots out the camera.

Here he is shorting out the camera.

And here is the footage. It's been edited!

Roy meets Jason outside the place where Jason thinks they'll find the Gotham version of Underbelly. Jason Todd points out in the narration that he knows about Roy's secret meeting which isn't awful and horrible at all but good. It is very good. It is so very good that Jason Todd must know about this thing. It would be so very bad if Roy Harper somehow were allowed to have a thing he did in secret without Jason Todd obviously knowing everything there was to know about that thing. It...is...so...very...eeeEeeeerrrrrr...good. Gasp. Gasp. Okay. Okay. Fun comic book. Good comic book. Best comic book.

Jason Todd tells Roy a story which is proof for why the location he's scouted is where Underbelly was created. See, this one time, he and Batman battled some villains there and it wasn't fun. There you go. Proof. Bingo. Bad place.

But before Jason Todd can drop the real big bit of evidence, Batman attacks! So now the story has caught up with the beginning and it's time for a big action packed battle!

What do you mean, "How is that possible?" It's only happened to you and your Bat-Armor in every single appearance you've made since Bruce died!

As Roy and Jason battle Robot Batman, Jason narrates how he was holding back in all of his attempts to kill Batman. I knew it! He could have killed him if he wanted to! Batman is such a decrepit old stooge! And Jason Todd isn't a psychopathic murderer and never has been no matter how many stories seem to say otherwise! He's my favorite and he's the way I think he should be and will always be that way and everybody who writes him different is wrong! He's such a sympathetic boo-bear!

Underbelly appears during the battle so that nobody will ever know if Red Hood and Arsenal could defeat Robot Batman (they totally could). Now they'll all have to battle Underbelly! Which shouldn't be too hard since Arsenal blew up Underbelly with a single arrow last issue.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #4 Rating: +52 Rankings! How is this comic book not outselling every other comic book published each month? It is so very entertaining and full of value. The jokes are sublime and other words that are synonymous with sublime. The narration is very helpful and very much appreciated because it helps to understand who Jason Todd is and how extremely capable he is even if his actions would seem to show otherwise. Because even if he's being defeated by his opponent, he can narrate the story and say, "I could easily defeat this opponent but reasons prevent me." See? He's the best! Also, whenever anybody does something in secret without telling Jason about it, he can narrate, "I know exactly what they are up to because I am the smartest and the very best." If you want to read a comic book that nails the characterization of two rebellious young people then you should be reading this comic book. And remember that Roy Harper is a rockabilly genius because it might not be very apparent and I'm not sure how often Jason Todd narrated that fact this issue.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #3

My kid's party does need a couple of clowns this weekend.

Deep breath. Deeper breath. Repeat mantra: "I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will lie my fucking head off to prove that I'm not biased."

Okay! I did my part! Now it's time for you to do your part, Scott Lobdell! Write this one out of the park, big guy!

The issue begins as expected: one full page panel with Red Hood Narration Boxing some not very good jokes to himself. He's one of those guys who has to clarify every thought that goes through his own head just in case he misunderstands himself. It seems he and Roy have decided not to work with Tara Battleworth but to become "freelance vigilantes" which I think is just a stupid way of saying "mercenaries." I would say a "fancy way" but I hate Scott Lobdell's writing.

Well, I kept my bias out of the commentary for a full ten minutes! Of course I was petting the cat and wasn't actually typing anything during those ten minutes. Still, I think it's a record.

"Note to self" jokes are the purview of hack comedy writers and failed stand-up comedians! Using the word "purview" probably means something too! Especially if I used it wrong!

Why does Jason Todd have to tell himself not to ever tell Roy Harper that he trusts him more than anybody he's ever trusted? He really should tell himself to tell him. That would be a nice thing to know and a sweet thing to hear from a friend. It would really make their working relationship better! And since Jason Todd began this comic book thinking about how important it is to know your partner, shouldn't he fucking tell his partner shit like this?! Maybe their special chemistry only works if Roy Harper's low self-esteem forces him to continually try to prove himself to Jason Todd and to win his love. I guess Jason Todd learned a lot more from Bruce Wayne than I realized.

Arsenal has purchased billboards to "Rent-a-bat" with a really hilarious and embarrassing phone number. Well, he is a rockabilly genius! You can never tell what a rockabilly genius is going to do! Also, if I keep calling him a rockabilly genius enough times (in much the way Scott Lobdell does), everybody will have to accept that it's true. Then when they tell their friends about this shitty comic book they read, they'll say, "And this one guy is a total rockabilly and a genius!" And their friend will be all, "Oh yeah?! What makes him rockabilly? His clothes? His hair? His tattoos? His attitude?!" And the dumb guy who paid for Red Hood Loves Arsenal will be all, "No! It's the way he's constantly referred to as rockabilly by the writer! Also he's a genius! And before you ask how I know, it's because the comic book keeps saying he is. And he must be because he invents all these great gadgets like napalm flamethrowers and napalm-proof masturbation lotions!"

After Roy and Jason complete the cold opening mission, they go back to their Los Angeles headquarters from which they hopefully won't be evicted from like last time since they're making money being "freelance vigilantes" now. Jason needs to point out why they're in Los Angeles and it turns out it's because Roy likes sunny places that aren't islands and Jason enjoys "artifice as lifestyle." My, my, Mister Lobdell! Look at how intellectually snide you've become, you East Coast snob! I don't like Los Angeles myself. It's the big neon dumpster grabbing the rest of the country's attention so that when they think "California," they think L.A. Well, it's a big state, you know! Some of it is actually really fucking nice!

Tara Battleworth kicks down their front door pissed off that Arsenal has begun advertising on the web to support their new mercenary business. I mean, their new "freelance vigilante" corporation. I don't know why she cares. She sent them on an audition, she paid them some money, they parted ways. Or did I miss the part where they signed a contract that said if they pass the audition, they become her ass puppets?

Why? Why do they need to be taken care of? Are you going to hire them to stop yourself? That would be a bad idea.

Arsenal is impressed by how many views their ViewTube commercial has received. Hey dumbass! How many phone calls have those views generated?! That's when you start making money! Didn't somebody say this guy was a genius somewhere?

Tara Battleworth decides she can't use Red Hood and Arsenal anymore and storms out of their headquarters. I hope she was in town for other business because DC to LA was a long way to go just to scream at these idiots. So they lost Tara's business? Big deal! Remember how Arsenal put the goofy phone number on the Rent-A-Bat ad? Well it's paying off already because he already received an email from a client! I totally want to make fun of that except I have a phone number for my business that I never answer because it sends me email alerts where I get to play the voice messages. Dammit. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find another way to make fun of these jerks before the comic book is over.

At the end of the last issue, Jay and Roy were in Detroit to meet a decrepit old guy in a seedy looking house. But when they get to Detroit in this issue, they're meeting a middle-aged guy on a park bench. Maybe the old guy in the house will come later! Although the meeting with the old guy took place two days after Roy and Jason got their check from Tara Battleworth, so it seems unlikely that the meeting with this other guy on a park bench is happening earlier than that! That would mean Roy rented the new apartment in Los Angeles and moved all of this shit and advertised for Rent-a-Bat and already got millions of views and blew all of the money in about 24 hours.

There's also a typo in the Detroit scene. Ha ha! Dumb editors! I'm glad I don't hire editors so when somebody points out one of my typos, I can blame it on not having an editor and then nobody is at fault at all! Especially not me in any way!

It turns out they meet the old guy later that evening. So Roy did spend all of their money quicker than you can say some thing that's really easy to say quickly. Something like, "I love to suck dicks!" Did you try to say it quickly? Ha ha! You like to suck dicks! That's funny if you don't actually like to suck dicks. If you do actually like to suck dicks, send me a message!

This is the guy who wanted to hire them. I think maybe he didn't even see the commercial. He's probably been trying to hire himself "The Outlaws" for some time now.

Underbelly kills his assistant and Red Hood unloads his guns into Underbelly. Underbelly just told them that he's paranormal though so he's probably okay. But Jason Todd points out that only bad guys like this will probably be calling them for "freelance vigilante" work because that's just the stupid way of saying mercenary, remember?! I guess they're going to have to go apologize to Tara Battleworth now. They'd better or else why the fuck was she even introduced into this story?

Underbelly recovers long enough to point out that he can't be killed because he's an allegory. You can't kill an allegory! Well, usually you can't kill an allegory. But I bet a rockabilly genius can come up with a way to kill an allegory!

Roy blows him up for now but he'll probably come up with a permanent solution later. Maybe some cuffed jeans and some hair wax along with an arrow that can kill allegories. "An arrow that can kill allegories" is probably all the explanation you'll get and you'll be glad for it because you're already 95% certain that Roy is a genius, so why can't he come up with something cool like that? Anyway, Jason decides Rent-a-Bat is a good idea now because they'll probably get calls from assholes and then Roy and Jay can kill those assholes. I'm sure the "profit" part of the corporation will manifest after every murder somehow.

Although I still think Tara Battleworth needs to get involved because she was super good at bluffing and research and why else would she have been introduced?

The epilogue for this issue/prologue for next issue has Roy and Jason in Gotham battling Commissioner Batman. I bet that'll be cause for a lot of yucks!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #3 Rating: No change. There are writers working at DC Comics who used the extra couple of months during Convergence to plan out some interesting stories when the DC Youniverse got back on its feet. And then there are writers who knew they were going to be writing Red Hood Loves Arsenal (I'm not going to name names) and came up with an idea for a story where Jay and Roy would go legit by working for Tara Battleworth's organization. But then two months into building that story, he decided, for whatever reason, to trash it for the Rent-a-Bat Comedy Hour. I actually think the Rent-a-Bat idea should work well for Lobdell's target audience of fourteen year old boys. I'm just a bit annoyed when writers don't even try to hide their incompetence behind the emerald curtain. Does nobody hold Lobdell to anything he pitches? Or does he even need to pitch anything? I suppose he's just got the Red Hood job for as long as he wants it at this point no matter how much of a mess he's making of the character. Not that the character was really very interesting in the first place. Aside from angry petulant youth who think everybody is against them, who cares about this piece of shit and his asshole friend? People who want to hug and kiss away his crowbar-induced tears?! Fans who look at Batman and see his image replaced by their father's instead?! Kids who just want to fuck his rock hard body until they're too sore to care?! I suppose in a different Youniverse where Jason and Roy were being written by somebody other than Mister Lobdell, I might care for them. Maybe. I doubt it though. I'd rather read an Aqualad comic book. And not the Aqualad from the cartoons! I'm talking Sixties Aqualad!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1

Oh! The pitter patter of my beating boner!

This comic book might be titled "Red Hood Loves Arsenal" but I highly doubt it's going to satisfy anybody's slash fiction needs. No throbbing cocks will be entering any puckering anuses here. Jason Todd will not be guzzling Roy Harper's cum. Roman face masks will not be seen anywhere. If you're looking for that kind of 21st Century family entertainment, you won't find it written by Scott Lobdell. Although you might find some of it written by me as I write about Scott Lobdell's comic book. So, um, welcome! I'll try to write an erotic felching scene later.

Can felching be erotic?

The issue begins with Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is of greater or equal value to a death knell. Roy Harper thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. That's because Scott Lobdell thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. He's one of those guys who thinks he's being funny when people are just putting up with him and looking at their watches and hoping he has somewhere to be soon. Typing that makes me nervous because I sometimes think I'm funny and I've often seen the way people look at their wrists when I enter the room.

Which is very nearly the way 95% of all super heroes do things. Even Superman is breaking the law every time he flies through Metropolis. Probably. I mean, doesn't he need a license or air clearance or something?

Roy Harper is sitting in a desert in Arizona telling jokes to himself. Or he's telling them to the reader. But he shouldn't be talking to the reader so I'm going to assume he's explaining his own jokes to himself for some reason. It doesn't make any sense but neither does having him talk directly to the reader to explain his jokes.

See? It's funny because it's not funny at all but then he explains it which makes it funny!

Roy continues to talk to himself after which he Narration Boxes to himself. I don't know what the difference is. At one point he Narration Boxes, "When I say 'me' I mean Roy Harper." Does he often have to remind himself who he is?

The title of this issue is "Desert First, Then Dinner! Get It? Because It Takes Place In The Desert!" I very much doubt the title matters. I'm almost certain that Scott Lobdell wrote it without any knowledge of how the story was going to progress but he began it with Roy in a desert so at least it works on the shallowest of levels. And I bet later he has dinner with Tara Battleworth. No way that's a real name.

Why does he have a framed picture of the Outlaws when he's got a cell phone right in the other hand? What kid today views photos in any way except on phones?! The framed picture must be a bomb.

I'm only on the fourth page and I just threw the comic book down and yelled, "FUCK!" Will somebody please stop allowing Scott Lobdell to write young people?! There's only one thing I can't stand more than young people and that's old people trying to act like young people! See the panel above? That "me/not me" bit began the bubbling blood and the throbbing vein on the forehead. But then on the next page, Roy contacts Tara Battleworth to let her know that her covert secret desert meetup between drug dealers and a state senator probably isn't going to end as well as she'd like it to. She only gives him ten seconds to explain himself so he says (choking back vomit while typing this), "#setup. #turnaroundandgetout." Fuck you. I wouldn't have been pleased with it but at least have the letterer type out "Hashtag setup. Hashtag turnaroundandgetout." Also saying "hashtag" in front of everything isn't cute. Trigger Warning: Old Man. Hashtag fuck you all.

Tara hangs up on Roy so Roy goes back to surveillance and talking to himself. He seems really bitter about his past job as Red Hood's sidekick.

Tara Battleworth's deal with some drug runner named Palette (because he's covered in paint, I guess?) goes south which means it's time for Roy Harper to save the day! Or Red Hood because I bet Red Hood is on the other side of the deal telling jokes to himself too.

Roy Harper shoots a bunch of trick arrows into the deal gone bad and references The Name Song which is a totally timely reference I often hear used among the crowd that sorries not sorries and hashtags the brains out of each other. I know Tiny Toons brought it back but even that was over twenty years ago. Although I like that part during the song where Plucky says, "Now do me!" and everybody screams, "NO!"

Can we get back to the cover for second? I don't get why Arsenal's name is written the way it's written! Is the "A" supposed to be a bow shooting a doorstop?

Roy Harper saves the day and lectures everybody while saving it because they're stupid adults who don't know anything. He's a genius (although he's not written by one so it's really fucking hard to tell sometimes)!

Oh! Oh! I know where Red Hood is now! It was this page that gave it away!

He's disguised as Nick Lachey! I mean the senator!

One and a half pages of story and half a page of Twix ads later, the Senator sits up double fisting some pistols and blowing the poorly mixed paint out of Palette. I allowed myself to be so distracted by my hatred and anger that I almost forgot Red Hood always turns up in disguise!

It was so awesome! Red Hood as an old man was all, "BLAM BLAM BLAM EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" And Roy Harper was all, "Whoa! Cool!" And Palette was all, "I'VE BEEN BESTED BY THE TWO GREATEST HEROES IN THE WORLD!" So fucking cool!

Get! Get out of here! Fucking thirteen year old sat down and began typing on my computer while I was straining to pee! Hashtag Old Man Problems.

Jason Todd tells Roy Harper that they're working together again and Roy Harper accepts the sidekick position once again. They also get a job offer from Ms. Battleworth. That way they can not be outlaws anymore and the other adult super heroes will have to accept them!

Also they take the job! Spoiler alert! Is that what the kids say?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1 Rating: I suppose if I had the meager mental capacity of a thirteen year old boy, this would be a fucking awesome comic book! But I'm not so I didn't have any fun reading it. Plus I forgot to write the felching scene. I hope nobody is disappointed.