Gotham Academy #11

Scary!

Thank goodness this issue isn't about Shakespeare so I don't have to pretend not to know anything about Shakespeare while discussing it. Hopefully it's about William Butler Yeats because I really don't know anything about William Butler Yeats. At least not about his poems from the young version of himself. I prefer when he gets older and writes poems discussing how, since he's old, he's forgotten all of the mysterious symbols he used throughout his career that caused most of his poetry to not make any sense at all unless you had dozens of supplementary materials like letters Yeats wrote telling people what the fuck he was talking about. Some people probably think William Butler Yeats is their favorite poet because they heard "The Second Coming" once read at the beginning of an episode of Heroes but they're wrong. Because William Butler Yeats is incomprehensible to anybody not willing to study him for four or five years straight. Occasionally he'll write five or six lines in a row that don't have anything to do with gyres or a local news story that time has forgotten or the history of the architecture of a tower or lions or Irish mythic heroes and they'll actually make me cry (except not really because Pshaw! Boys don't cry!). Stupid Yeats. What a jerko!

The Pizza Detective Club are headed into Downtown Gotham to skip a Gotham Academy tennis tournament against Metropolis High. Instead of watching Kyle get his ass kicked by Alexander Luthor or whatever robot kid they're going to use to cheat, the Pizza Detective Club are going to look for clues to the Mystery of Calamity Silverlock! Is she dead? Is she alive? Is she just a hallucination brought on by Olive's pent-up sexual frustration causing her to lash out with pyrokinetic lust blasts? That's probably the problem.

Maps has come up with a plan to discover more clues to the mystery.

The plan's not really that good. It doesn't even have any practice kissing in it.

The girls almost get caught breaking into City Hall by a security guard practicing to be a radio personality. True Story That May or May Not Be True Because The Caveat May Be All I Have To Save My Dignity When Somebody Asks Me If The Masturbating In The Sink Story Was True: You know those "tests" they give kids in high school to determine what career they might best be suited for? I got radio DJ. Fuck you, test. That was an insulting answer! I suppose I only got Radio DJ because Arrogant Internet Blogger wasn't a potential career when I took that test.

Olive and Maps make it to the records room where Olive instantly finds the files on her family because nobody wants to read three pages of the girls searching through files. While Olive searches for clues, Maps makes a new friend.

Just put Maps in a Robin costume already. Preferably the original one.

Red Robin reveals to Maps that practically every kid in Gotham is now calling themselves a Robin. I guess Maps could go the generic route and just slap an "R" on her chest and pretend she's part of the movement. But she has a real Batarang! She's now been acknowledged by two actual Robins that she has what it takes! When Batman returns, he'd better give Maps a chance to kick at his side! Maps isn't the type of person that can keep a secret about anything she's super excited about, so she mentions that Olive is currently stealing records on Calamity. Red Robin was about to steal some records too, so he isn't too concerned with that part of the story. But he does warn Maps to be careful around Calamity and then tells her a story about how Dick Grayson was totally almost killed by Calamity because he wasn't as good a Robin as Tim Drake was.

In Tim's story, Dick is actually kind of a hero so I guess I was thinking of the way Damian would tell the story. Anyway, Batman and Robin stopped Calamity, discovered she was Sybil Silverlock, threw her in Arkham to keep everybody safe, and then realized they'd orphaned her kid. So they stuck Olive in Gotham Academy where Batman could keep an eye on her to make sure she didn't turn into the next Calamity.

Olive discovers that more than just her mom went about burning Gotham as Calamity. Pretty much all of her relatives gave it a go at one time or another. And then Olive makes a new friend.

What rough beast slouches toward...oh, you know it's a lion!

Maps and Red Robin drive off Calamity even though Olive would have preferred if they'd left her alone so she could hug her. Calamity drops a piece of a key before fleeing before the wrath of Maps. Red Robin leaves but not before giving Maps false hope about her chances of working with Batman. Not because she isn't good enough but because Batman is on a mental vacation right now. Meanwhile, Pom and Colton have discovered that Kyle disappeared before the tournament. The only clue to his disappearance is another piece of a key left in his locker. The pieces fit together to create a key to Arkham Asylum. Too bad Arkham Asylum is just debris at the bottom of a huge sinkhole! Otherwise the key might have been a good clue!

Gotham Academy #11 Rating: No change. I get it, Becky and Brenden. Maps is enthusiastic. Maps is overly enthusiastic even! It's adorable. But it's more adorable in small doses. Don't make me burn out on Maps because you realize she's the surprise hit of the DC Season. Don't turn Gotham Academy into all Urkel episodes of Family Matters. She should be treated as a limited resource. Fill up a bunch of pages with Pomeline and Olive flirting nastily before throwing in a few panels of Maps getting super excited about playing Dungeons and Dragons. Seriously. Why are you holding back with the Olive/Pomeline loss of innocence story? The Maps thing is a cute smokescreen to distract the prudes away from the real meat of this comic book but you've used too much smoke! I can't see the horny older teens experimenting with their newly found feelings full of erotic overtones! I know it's there! I know it's happening! Stop turning the camera on Maps (even though she's totally cute and adorable and not into Yeats' poetry). Give me some PomOlive already!

Batgirl Annual #3

Finally! Dead Dick is going to interact with somebody other than Batman, Julia Pennyworth, or The Joker!

Batgirl is about to get mixed up in Spyral business which she can probably handle since Qadir's technology is on par with Spyral's. The best part will be the scene where she recognizes Dick Grayson by his ass and then gets super embarrassed. Then Dick will ask Babs why she looks ten years younger than she really is. I hope her explanation satisfies me as a reader! I'm having a really tough time understanding why new Batgirl is so different from Simone Batgirl! I desperately need an in-canon explanation or I'm going to die!

The first Spyralee Batgirl meets is Helena Bertinelli who she's never, ever met before ever in the whole wide ever world ever.

I bet 95% of the residents of Burnside would never be thought of as a "hipster" and yet when a population becomes 5% Hipster, it's over! Mostly because when 5% of your population looks exactly alike, it's hard not to notice.

I've lived just off of Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon, for about twelve years now. I moved closer to Hawthorne because it was my favorite place, mostly due to my comic book store and Marco's Deli which had great meatball subs and Mr. Pibb on tap. It had a bit of a Bohemian flair, I guess. It was a little bit hippy, a little bit artsy, a little bit shitty. It was the kind of street that once had an Arby's but when it didn't get enough business, it closed down and McDonald's tried to set up shop there only to be beaten back by petitions. Mostly it was residents who claimed they didn't want the extra traffic generated by a fast food place but I think mostly it was a bunch of snobby assholes who only ever ate McDonald's when people they knew weren't looking. Anyway, the street lost a lot of its charm as the swarm of Hipster Gentrification (which is really the only kind of gentrification seen in Portland). And it's been going on for longer than Portlandia has been on the air, so the people who blame Portlandia are putting the cart before the bearded assholes. Although, really, the show hasn't helped. It's seen by many not as a satire of the city but more of a promotional video for like minded people. Long before Fred Armisen said that Portland was where young people go to retire, I was constantly asking the Non-Certified Wife, "Doesn't anybody in this town work?!"

So Hawthorne began to get the Hipster Gentrification treatment which seemed to be flowing southward from Alberta. It hit Belmont pretty hard back when Paninis, Cupcakes, and Artsy Toy Stores were the beginning signs of a Hipster Neighborhood taking root (the record stores were already there!). Later it became organic grass-fed beef hamburgers and "artisinal" pizza (the cupcakes survived although they probably began serving macaroons as well). The artsy toy store moved to Hawthorne and lots of businesses began changing on Hawthorne. It seemed the time had come for Hawthorne's transformation. Hawthorne lost their Blockbuster (who didn't though, amirite?!) and I told the Non-Certified Wife when we were guessing what it would become that it would be a bank or a thrift store. It became both! The deli became Thai, the corner store which I can't even remember what it was became an upscale hipster clothing store (for when you need something other than your Mr. Bubble shirt and skinny jeans) which has in-store cocktail events every few months. But the transmogrification of the neighborhood never totally took. Instead it moved on south to Division which went from a sunny, mostly one-story building stretch of barber shops and food carts and a Whole Foods (you know, your "average" Portland neighborhood!) to a shady Death Star trench of five or six story condominiums with businesses in the ground floor. Businesses like "artisinal" ice cream and...well, I can't really remember and I think "artisinal" ice cream says enough. I'm sure some place is still riding the last of the Pork Belly wave as well. I mostly avoid the place. Although the Bollywood Indian restaurant demands my patronage because Indian food, duh!

Back to Batgirl, Helena and Babs decide to work together because they both seem to be on the same mission. It doesn't matter what the mission is. This is an annual. The only thing that matters is that Babs and Dick need to meet up with each other. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those stories where Grayson narrowly avoids being seen by Gordon four or five times before the story ends with Batgirl none the wiser. Or maybe she will have noticed and she'll walk off with a quirky grin because she now knows Dick isn't dead.

"Body language." Dick is being modest about his ass.

The mission is to infiltrate an impenetrable tower which has a large open courtyard and balconies on every floor overlooking the empty space in the center. It's a lot like the latest Judge Dredd movie but with Dick Grayson as Judge Dredd and Babs and Helen as whatever other Judges helped out.

Near Miss #1!

Barbara and Damian must shop at the same shoelace store which sells the longest, loosest shoelaces they possibly can.

Near Miss #2!

Helena shouts something which prevents Babs running into Dick and making this an interesting story! Instead, the chase up the tower continues as the reader waits expectantly for the inevitable encounter (which will probably wind up being evitable).

Dick gets caught up battling the only really buff member of Gladius (the evil organization!) and Helena has to help him out. Batgirl goes on ahead and now Dick fears she's going to wind up seeing him. It's time to put on a disguise! Like maybe a sundress and a nice long blonde wig? Then maybe he can play Yakety Sax while they all run around beating up guards and Dick tries to constantly hide his face demurely behind a handkerchief. And maybe at some point Helena can stand behind a table full of fruit so it looks like a couple of cantaloupes are her breasts!

Batgirl makes it to the top of the tower first and comes face to face with Gladius's leader. But the leader has planted a bomb and makes her escape while Batgirl turns back to try to disarm the bomb (although Babs does stick a Bat-tracker on the fleeing terrorist). Dick Grayson arrives to help Barbara disarm the bomb although he's got his Spyral Hypnos running so Babs thinks she sees an old guy named Christian Kroger. I think now that we had the near misses, we're getting to the part where Babs will realize it's Dick without Dick realizing she realized it. Then she'll walk off with that smile I mentioned and maybe a pair of ruined underwear.

The bomb can't be deactivated (or else Helena doesn't really try to deactivate it because she thinks like Frankie who suggested blowing up the building earlier) and they have to jump from the tower with the UN diplomats who were hostages of Gladius. I know Batgirl didn't want to kill anybody but I think a lot of those guards she kept alive are now burning to death.

Oh, and of course, the recognition by butt shot. This is where the ruined underwear comes into play.

And this is the smile after possibly thinking it could have been Dick.

So that was the first part of the story. I think a bit of Yakety Sax would have improved the whole Benny Hill tone of it all.

The second part of the story has Batgirl chasing after the woman she placed the tracker on. While following the trace, Batgirl runs into Catwoman's sidekick, Spoiler. So now these two can have a fun adventure with each other and become best friends and make Frankie totally jealous! Unless Batgirl doesn't like being out-pepped by another young female hero.

Spoiler catches Gladius's leader when Batgirl points her out except it wasn't Gladius's leader! It was just another underling doing grunt work and spilling secrets about the Negahedron and how it's going to be used to destroy Gotham! Batgirl leaves Spoiler to take care of the terrorist and rushes off to play with Batwoman.

Batwoman and Batgirl beat up Gladius and learn more about the Negahedron. But Gladius gets away which leads Batgirl to the Gotham Academy Library where she's going to team up with Maps, probably! It won't be Olive because why would Batgirl team up with one of the Gotham Academy supporting cast instead of its main character?

Well, I guess Olive can appear as Maps' sidekick.

The Pizza Club with Guest Detective Batgirl find the head of the statue containing the blueprints of the Negahedron but the head is stolen by Gladius! She and Batgirl wind up on the roof ready to battle when Maps hits Gladius in the chin with her Batarang and saves the day! Of course. I would expect nothing less from Maps and her sidekick Olive Silverlock.

Gladius is captured and the microfiche is nearly destroyed and the librarian Mr. Scarlet shows up to declare some mysteries should remain mysteries. Maps rushes off to form Superhero Club. Olive goes off to pout. And Batgirl decides to spy on Maps for a bit because Maps would make an excellent date for Alysia's wedding and/or a superb sidekick!

Batgirl Annual #3 Rating: This annual should be held up as an example for all annuals everywhere. It was a superb annual with lots of guest stars that really should be part of Batgirl's world. Loved every second of it except for the seconds which weren't added which maybe could have had Batwoman making out with somebody. Hey, I'm still a man with inappropriate fantasies which co-opt the lesbian lifestyle for my own pleasure and gaze! Sue me!

Gotham Academy #7

Oh great. This is going to be trouble.

I'm not totally jealous of Damian Wayne right now at all and I'm not crying or nothing either. Maps is probably just excited to have another potential player in her "Serpents and Spells" campaign world she's created. Or maybe she's excited to have the child of billionaire Bruce Wayne join the Pizza Club because somebody has to be able to afford the pizza. Unless she's just super excited to have a boy her age finally going to Gotham Academy.

I guess the art duties are being taken over by Mingjue Helen Chen who did the art in the Gotham Academy Sneak Peek. I'm disappointed because I really loved Karl Kerschl's work on this comic book but I'm not that disappointed because I think Mingjue's style fits well with this book.

This issue is called "Curse of the Inishtree Quill" because it's basically just become a Trixie Belden book, or Encyclopedia Brown, or the Baby-Sitters Club. I think. Was that last one about solving mysteries or fending off the unwanted attentions of straying husbands?

Maps is currently ignoring her teacher reading "The Raven" because she's creating new party members for her "Serpents and Spells" game. She's adding some classmate named Eric Jorgensen because she hasn't met Damian Wayne yet. Her character sheet looks something like this:

When the teacher, Mr. Scarlet, asks Maps about the madness and despair of the speaker in any poem by Poe, Eric stands up and screams, "Raven!" He's about to attack the teacher when Damian tackles him and saves the day. I don't know what he saved the day from but it was definitely a day saving move. Having learned a little something from living with Batman for the last few years, he lectures everybody on his way out. Maps kicks Eric off the team and decides Damian is the guy the Pizza Club needs. Wasn't that covered on the Cover?

Olive is gone for a few days so this is just a Maps story. I don't hear anybody complaining, right?

Later while Maps is spying on Damian, she writes in her notebook, "Ultimate Power Team: Maps Mizoguchi + Damian Wayne." As soon as she does this, she and Damian are compelled to hold hands and not let go. You see, her quill has been infused with the magic of Mr. Scarlet smashing Poe's The Raven down upon it. Perfectly reasonable explanation. But now Damian and Maps need help getting their hands unstuck. Well, Damian does but I think Maps probably doesn't mind all the touching and finger caresses.

Pomeline knows more about magic and making up reasons for Damian and Maps to hold hands than I do. Mind control feather quill! Of course! Duh!

This could all be fixed except the stupid raven stole the quill because he was all, "This isn't my feather but I'm taking it back! I'm taking them all back! Nevermore!"

Do you think ravens are completely confused why every human in the world looks at them and says, "Nevermore! Nevermore!" I bet they love going to trailer parks where nobody knows the poem and they just shoot at the ravens instead. It's just a nice change of pace.

Yes, I just equated poverty with ignorance and violence! You would too if you'd spent as many weekends as I have at a Karaoke Bar in Lincoln, Nebraska, just down the road from a trailer park!

Pomeline screams, "The quill!", and shoves Damian out of the window. Maps follows being that they're stuck in the pre-kissing handholding phase. Damian manages to grab the window ledge because he's Robin and thus has plot immunity. At least I think Robins that have been killed once already and returned from the dead have plot immunity!

Maps is going to rock that grapple slut's world on their wedding night.

Maps and Damian swing across the courtyard and crash through a window, landing at Kyle Mizoguchi's feet. Kyle, just like everybody else, attacks them but Damian uses Maps as a weapon and knocks out Kyle. Typical guy! He's got a terrific girl at hand (who probably isn't interested in him at all except for his terrific fighting abilities) and he uses her as a mace. In retribution, Maps uses Damian as a Kleenex (tm!).

How is Damian going to explain the Grapple Gun later? I suppose it's easy enough to believe that the son of the owner of WayneTech can throw a big enough tantrum to earn himself a Grapple Gun.

This story is more believable than Endgame and I get the feeling it's going to wind up being the daydream!

Okay, it isn't really more believable than Endgame. I wish you nerds didn't force me to feel like I needed to clarify that. Fucking nerds! Why can't dumb people appreciate my site?

Maps and Damian decide maybe Professor MacPherson can help them out since her dog barked at a bird which totally probably wouldn't have happened under anything except magical circumstances.

That sounds plausible. But it's also possible that this is a masturbation fantasy because Maps really needs this kind of convoluted, mystical fantasy mystery to get off.

Professor MacPherson takes the kids out to the cemetery where they find the Pizza Club doing weirdo zombie things. Damian and Maps tie them up and then they see the raven with the quill in its mouth. Damian pulls out a Batarang to knock its block off and Maps gets that much closer to coming.

The raven drops the feather which is when Mister Scarlet appears and warns them all not to touch the Inishtree Quill because it carries Avian Demon Flu. That's why all the other kids were acting so crazy. Mister Scarlet takes them to the infirmary right after he points out that Damian and Maps can release their grip on each other. Which they do because this must be the denouement part of the masturbation fantasy which means Maps, you know, is, um, done.

Well, I guess Damian doesn't really have time for school anyway, what with a dead father to bury and a pet gargoyle to take care of and helping Alfred open jars.

Before leaving the school, Damian gives Maps a Batarang. I have a feeling that, from here on out, whenever we see future stories where Damian has taken over the role of Batman, Maps should be his Robin. But I don't think we have to worry about Maps figuring out Damian is Robin and Bruce is Batman because she's no Lex Luthor.

After Damian leaves, Maps falls asleep with her hand still stuffed in her underwear.

Gotham Academy #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is actually the kind of thing I've been wanting from DC Comics! Fun stories which you can let be and ignore their unintended consequences on the rest of the DC Universe. Although I'm sure it bugs the shit out of a lot of readers that Damian would be so careless with his (and thus his father's!) secret identity. And so what if Maps, not being a complete moron, figures it all out? She'll tell Olive and Olive will say, "You're nuts." She'll tell Pomeline and Pomeline will say, "Stop spazzing off, retard." She'll tell Kyle and Kyle will say, "That's nice, sis." She'll tell...well, that's probably all she'll tell before deciding it's her little secret which she'll someday parlay into becoming Robin.