Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Savage Hawkman #8

Was this something the fans were demanding? I'm already bored.

Last issue, Askana the Lizard Babe appeared out of nowhere to continue beating up Hawkman. Although I think they were helping to save each others' lives last they encountered each other. Bah, who can remember?!

Having a character us the phrase, "Is that all you've got?" is a quick way to drop in the rankings.

What is going on with Hawkman's arm?

And here's another way to drop your ranking: have someone start a fight when they really just want to ask for help. Things are looking good for Captain Atom gaining another rank by default as Hawkman plunges toward the bottom of the New 52. Most of this bullshit comes from a writer's need to end a story on some type of conflict. But when the resolution is bullshit like this where the fight never should have started in the first place, all it does is waste space in the beginning of the next issue as the bullshit is resolved in a stupid and meaningless way. If your plan is to keep people reading by making them curious as to how a cliffhanger is resolved, it's not going to work with this fuckery. Learn to write a good, interesting story and people will want to keep picking up your comic. Pull shit like this and they'll stop reading this comic and probably avoid comics with your name on them in the future.

I really should be making a list of all of the writers' Twitter accounts so I can send them my thoughts. Because my thoughts matter more than other peoples' thoughts!


How about we just agree to disagree? I'm right and you're wrong and we'll just leave it at that.

Is this how madness sets in? Arguing with imaginary people on the other side of a computer connection? No, that's just a symptom of the madness. The madness sets in by continually reading stories written by Tony S. Daniel! Oh! A burning zing!

Ah ha! I remembered something correctly! Although I should be laughing at myself. Fucking memory space in my brain being taken up by Tony Daniel's shit.

Askana needs help because some aliens from her home planet are hunting her for a crime she didn't commit. She attacked Hawkman to test him. Yeah, okay. He reluctantly agrees to help her because her other option is to just let him kill her.

The aliens that are hunting her speak in three different colors: red, blue and green. I remember aliens like that in a previous comic where they all answered YES at one point and each letter of yes was a different color. But I can't remember which comic book that was. Probably one with Daemonites in it. And since I already thought Askana was Voodoo when I first saw the cover of Issue #8, Askana is probably a Daemonite and those are the things hunting her.

Hey, DC! Enough with the fucking Daemonites. They am stupidest.

Hawkman meets up with Askana later when she finds out where the three hunters are located. There's a big fight with Carter Hall constantly, incessantly Narration Boxing. Hey! Guess what the three worst comics in the New 52 have in common?! Constant Narration Boxing! [Narration Boxing is the weird thought bubbles that aren't quite thought bubbles but also aren't quite an omniscient narrator but share aspects of the two and make no fucking Goddamn sense at all. Well, they can make sense. But generally not in context and mostly only if you read them as if the protagonist is telling his grandchildren the story you're reading.]

During the fight, Hawkman realizes that he was the target and not Askana. It was a trap! No, no. I'm not going to stick a picture of Ackbar here.

Although maybe I should since I'm done reading the comic book! Yeah, that was a short one. Here's what we learned: Hawkman is full of hatred and rage. But somewhere in him is a yearning to help people. So he still wants to be a Super Hero but he's really mother fucking angry all of the time. He also can't tell that Emma loves him and he continues to run from her even though he seems sort of interested. That could be interesting if more time were spent on actual character development instead of giant panels full of brawling with the Narration Boxing trying to cover up the lack of actual character development by telling the reader stuff they should know. Lazy lazy.

The Savage Hawkman #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Yep. That's right! Fuck you, Hawkman! This comic was less interesting than that last story which didn't even need you as a character!

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