Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Batman: The Dark Knight #6

Notice the "With Respect to Kelly Jones" on Bane's wrist? Yeah, yeah. Forget that and just keep playing the What Did Finch Plagiarize This Month?! game.

Last issue ended with Superman beating the jizzly snot out of Batman. Now where I come from (Earth), that means Batman is dead. Or at least has some serious broken bones. Maybe some internal bleeding. But this is Earth One Panel Doesn't Follow Another Panel. The ruler of this Earth is David Finch. And, I guess, if I'm a comic book fan, I'm supposed to overlook shit writing for the privilege of being allowed to read DC's super hero comics.

Of course, Superman is a goody two shoes ultimate boy scout. So he would have punched Batman in all the right places to not leave any bruises (just ask Lois) and he would have thrown him gently against the ground. And I should just read the comic instead of making up reasons to hate David Finch before even getting to the comic book. But oh boy I can't wait for some honest to goodness real reasons to hate his stupid face.

The credits appear on page two. And now Paul Jenkins name has gone from co-plotter to story with David Finch merely credited with Art. Although Dialogue Assists are being handed out to New Firestorm Writer, the racist scumbag Joe Harris (might not actually be a racist or a condom). So I guess I can only make fun of David Finch for the art now!

The first thing Paul Jenkins does is try to fix the stupid thing where Flash is trying to outrun the toxin in his body by somehow forcing himself to not metabolize shit by expending a ton of energy running. So the first thing Batman does when he regains consciousness is realize his mistake. Batman has counteracted the drug by this comic book reasoning: the drug is activated by adrenalin. But once the adrenalin in the body stops, the person hemorrhages the way Two Face (ONE FACE!) did. So when Flash stops running, he'll collapse in a bloody mess same as Two (ONE!) Face. But Batman counteracted the drug how? By having TOO much adrenaline! Yes! Superman pushed Batman past the adrenaline limit of the drug and deactivated the process! So now Batman is sending Superman to go beat up The Flash too!

Superman is drawn like a girl.

Batman really does send Superman to beat up The Flash. I thought maybe they would think up a better plan. If it were Green Lantern they were trying to save, I could see him telling Superman to not hold back anything. But what did The Flash ever do to Batman?

And why has The Flash been poisoned by the Venom toxin anyway? Batman just supposed that Poison Ivy was behind it because of the rarity of the plant needed and then he just assumed that she had put the toxin on the thorns of the plants. But Poison Ivy has been off with The Birds of Prey in a really horrible story that makes no kind of sense whatsoever, so I think Batman may have been wrong anyway and The Flash has been ping ponging around the East Coast for months for no good reason.

Back to the comic, The White Rabbit shows up and challenges Batman to follow her. She thinks he's scared. Oh yeah! There's one thing Batman isn't and that's scared! I mean, there are other things he isn't as well. But he's definitely not that. I wonder if the Scarecrow will ever show up again in this story?

Now I get it! This is a story about nonsense! And they got it exactly right!

This is less Batman than Jenkins trying to figure out an angle for The White Rabbit besides the obvious angle of having a half-naked bunny woman running around in every other panel. But Wonderland isn't full of nonsense characters. It's full of characters that seem nonsensical to an outsider invading each of their stories and lives. I would categorize the characters in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland as whimsically philosophical.

Oops! I was wrong! I forgot Jenkins is going to make sense of this thing!

And it already makes sense with this panel and the knowledge that Bane will be appearing any second now. The Scarecrow develops some toxin (Venom!) that makes people crazy strong and muscular. The toxin is tested out on inmates at Arkham by the White Rabbit. Tested and used to cause a diversion. While Gotham explodes in insanity, every single law enforcement officer and hero is busy trying to stop the wackos. But a trail is set up to get Batman to this island. I don't know why the Scarecrow gave the toxin to Batman. Maybe he just wanted to try one last time to defeat Batman himself before he gives him over to Bane. And then the culmination of the plan: Bane kills Batman! Yay! Rube Goldberg would be proud!

Ouch! Hiss! Mrowr!

Oh, and Batman admits to being afraid again. Can't he even remember that he's not afraid of anything? Except living. And the people he loves being harmed. And what his enemies can do.

He caught her! He caught her!

Meanwhile Superman catches up with The Flash and casually flies alongside him as The Flash sprints around the planet. Superman is a bad-ass! Superman casually uses the word 'venom' while describing the toxin and this, for some reason, strikes The Flash and he has a Dr. House moment of insight. He claims Batman has it all wrong and he and Superman head back to Batman. They should be back to him in a few seconds, right?

Back on the island, Batman finally meets Bane!

This should be a poster! Batman Knocked Out Under a Full Moon.

I guess Batman meets Bane again. I sometimes forget that this New DCU is really just the old DCU with some stories ejected and some new things added. But most of the old stories still somehow took place. At least whenever a writer needs one to have taken place. Which accounts for the reason The Flash reacted to the word Venom. He realized Bane was back before the stupid Dark Knight did.

Who would be? Look at the mutated idiot pinhead. Fuck, I hate Bane.

Up until Bane appeared, I was actually enjoying this of The Dark Knight. But Bane just keeps running his mouth and finally ends by letting Batman know the new mix of Venom makes him smarter. Great! So now he's got the intelligence of a below average person.

Hey Bane! Guess what! Batman's absolutely right. You may have broken your back but he's never been afraid of you because all you are is a super strong imbecile. Now you're a super strong D student. The only reason you beat Batman in Knightfall was because he was dehydrated, sleep deprived, and fatigued from beating every other Arkham villain in town in one long marathon round-up. This is nearly the exact same story just not as drawn out (remember the Plagiarizing Game?) . That's why everyone was let loose. To make Batman tired and weak again so that Bane would have a chance of defeating him. But Bane, you're an idiot and you've never been anything but a minor Batman villain with extra muscles.

Batman: The Dark Knight #6: No change. I almost gave it +1 because it was getting better. But then when Bane appeared and the first thing he says to Batman is, "Your fear is mine alone." Shut up already. Enough with the fear theme. Seven issues of "Is Batman afraid of anything?!" and it's not even explored very well. It could have been done better if the Narration Boxes were dropped and the art and dialogue were allowed to tell the story. Batman's fear in confronted by the Court of Owls and Talon and the possibility that Gotham betrayed him is communicated a whole lot better in Snyder's Batman book. This comic wasn't even needed. Just too many Batman titles in The New 52. How many books does DC have to throw in the reader's face screaming, "Look at what we created! The coolest character evar!"

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