The Flash #6

The cover would garner the comic 1 Speed Force Point if I were still grading it on puns.

Last issue, The Flash learned that his super power of running fast is going to fuck up the Time Continuum once again. And he just screwed it up in Flashpoint so that the New 52 could happen. I bet old DC fans are hoping he'll try time travel some more so they can finally purchase Detective Comics #882, which hopefully won't be written by Tony Daniel.

The comic begins with The Flash battling Captain Cold.

This shouldn't be too hard! He's been drinking and he's out of shape!

The Flash realizes that Captain Cold somehow doesn't need his freeze pistols anymore. And he's somehow stronger. And The Flash is somehow slower? Whatever is going on, The Flash isn't up against the Captain Cold he's been used to fighting. But the reader will find out all about that later. First, the comic has to go back in time like most comics do. It's an anomaly in the way time works in comic books. It begins during a fight so that teenagers and younger kids and immature men overloaded with testosterone won't put the book down. And then time moves backwards to explain why the fight happened in the first place. Sure, this is taking the chance that the reader will become bored trying to read a bunch of words while people act rationally and go about their daily lives. But the reader knows (because of the first few pages) that a fight is about to break out and that keeps him interested! Eventually time snaps back to the place it left off before zipping back in time and then it usually continues smoothly until the end where it stops for a full month.

Back to the past, Barry and Patty are returning from an intimate vacation. Wasn't he having trouble connecting with Patty up until now? I thought maybe they were sort of dating but it turns out their fairly serious. She even flies dangerously with her head in his lap instead of in a full, upright position with her lap belt fastened. Fucking daredevil, that woman.

Let me just say before I forget say anything about it, I love ice cream. Also, the art in this comic is fucking gorgeous. Just, just, really well done. Kudos to you, Manapaul. Mmm, kudos and Manapaul sound like types of ice cream. Okay, Manapaul doesn't. Unless it's a gay, existentialist flavour.

Hmm, that's an odd shape for an airplane.

Okay, okay. They were on a bus and not an airplane. I guess I should have realized it when the kids were running back and forth in the aisle and their white trash parents couldn't give a fuck to make them stop annoying everyone else. Plus, Barry and Patty are just lousy Central City cops. They probably can't afford to fly. And they also aren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend until this exact moment. As you can see, I make a lot of assumptions. But I'm been very up front about that! If you're just finding that out now, you haven't read every single gem I've written. I'm not saying all the commentaries are gems! But the one that explained how I make assumptions all of the time was a gem and you should read it. But I've forgotten which one that was, so just go read them all.

Look at that! Someone's trying to explain one of the bigger problems I have with The Flash's super power! Isn't it cute?! Sure it doesn't make any sense! But I'll buy into it because sometimes I'm too cynical and I want to be a better person. No, wait. A worse, more naive and gullible person.

That guy, Dr. Elias, just reminded me of Mr. Pibb. I haven't had any soda in 14 months. Just water, unsweetened Iced Tea, the occasional coffee and the obligatory alcohol (very rarely though). I don't crave it as much as I thought I would. But I do often feel nostalgic for it. I miss having a giant liter of Pepsi while I write. I think I need to create a holiday for myself so that one day a year, I can go wild and drink as much soda as I want! Maybe I'll celebrate at Fizz over on Belmont here in Portland when I finally catch up on reading all of these stupid comic books. I'll take the new comics and my laptop and my scanner and sit at the soda bar while drinking soda after soda! Or maybe I'll just get drunk.

Oh, wait. I meant to say that Dr. Elias is forcing Barry to have sex. No. Stop it. Dr. Elias is forcing Barry to wear a monitor which measures Barry's output of Speed Force. So it measures puns? Oh shit! That thing is going to break the fuck right down. Barry understands the importance of the gadget though because if he isn't careful, he's going to renumber all of DC's comics again.

Dr. Elias also built Barry a big treadmill that helps siphon off his excess energy and stores it. This is not looking good for the DC Universe. This thing is too much like the Cosmic Treadmill that started every continuity error ever!

Back to the present where Patty is on that boat way up on that ice pillar.

I don't know why Captain Cold froze all the ships way up in the air. Or how exactly he managed it. But there must be a payoff there somewhere.

Or maybe there isn't any payoff except to kill The Flash! Captain Cold is angry because he stole an experimental laser to save his sister who is dying from a brain tumor and the hospital can't run it on the generators. The power grid is currently down because of the EMP blast from Issue #2 (or 3?). The papers are speculating that The Flash caused it so Captain Cold decides it's The Flash's fault that his sister is going to die. And he decides to kill The Flash.

So that's why all the boats are up on ice pillars. Captain Cold was trying to lure The Flash out for a fight. And it worked pretty easily since Barry just happened to be on one of those boats with Patty and Iris West. Luckily he's in the bathroom when the disaster strikes so he doesn't have to make up a cowardly excuse to become The Flash.

If he slows down your powers when you're near him, then that should drop your Energy Level as well. Problem solved! Unless he kills you. And still, problem solved!

The Flash is too distracted trying to keep his energy levels down below 80%. He's not paying any attention to the number anyway. He's still doing his thing as his Energy Levels rise and rise and rise. All the monitor is doing is distracting him and making him hesitate. Because he's worried about screwing up time, he's unable to save Patty as the part of the ship she's on comes crashing to the ground. So now Patty is smashed to bits, Captain Cold has the upper hand, and Barry's energy level is at 98%. Is he going to try to make the ship with Patty go back in time? Would that work or would her smashed corpse just end up twenty years in the past? I suppose it was just Patty's time to go.

The Flash #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like the story and I love the art. Although the exploded time narration was a little bit stupid and overdone.