The Flash #7

Ha ha! Captain Cold kicked your sweet scarlet ass! I mean, your gross scarlet man butt.

I like Captain Cold better when he had a freeze gun. I understand getting rid of it though. The Flash is never going to rip Captain Cold's hands off to stop him. But if Captain Cold has to rely on a freeze gun, he really shouldn't ever be able to pull the trigger before The Flash just takes it out of his hands. So giving him an innate freezing power just makes more sense. Except The Flash should still be able to tie him up and throw him in a sack before Captain Cold even knows The Flash has arrived at the scene of the crime.

I have a sneaking suspicion The Flash isn't using his powers correctly! Also, I thought the Time Travel problem was going to make for an interesting story. But the writers are really just using it to give The Flash some limits. Because The Flash really should be the most powerful super hero in the DCU. From his point of view, everyone moves so slowly that they might as well have been frozen in time. He could disrobe Batman, shove Kryptonite up Superman's ass, and hog tie Wonder Woman with her Lasso in a fraction of a second. But replace the super hero names with super villain names because he's not a bad guy. But instead of being super powerful, he's mucking around with small time crooks like the jerks in the Rogue's Gallery. I think The Flash might have a below average intelligence.

I think the fallen for her line earns a Speed Force Pun Point.

Here's where we left off last time: Patty, the Flash's sort of girlfriend, is just about to smash her face into the ice. Or the back of her head. Whatever! Who looks at the pictures in these things? But The Flash has reached critical level with his Speed Force Energy and he's got an icicle jammed in his shoulder and maybe he doesn't really love Patty after all and this is an easy way out of the relationship. Hey! It's an option!

I'm sorry. Can I be done with comics? The Flash actually calls him Captain Cold like it's his name or a respected title! It's so ridiculous! What the hell have I been reading for 25 years?! It's so silly! Oh, also, try saying both of these lines in just one second. Go ahead. I'll give you one second.

Who is this guy and why does he care where Barry went? Is this why Barry got up to use the bathroom?! Is this The Flash's real secret? Or is the letterer just a lazy fuck-up who flipped up his speech bubble?

Barry rushes off to save Patty, ignoring the warnings of the Speed Force Nag Gadget he's wearing to protect DC Continuity and to make him less effective as a super hero. But that's the way it should be! He can't do his job while listening to some stupid alarm system constantly telling him he's going to fuck up all time and space. He's got a fucking job to do and he's here to do it even if it kills everyone or pisses off long-time comic book reading racists who can't handle Firestorm being half-black. I mean, one out of the two guys who combine to make the Firestorm Fury monster is black. And the other one whines at his mom over dinner about how she they don't have any black friends. Man, I miss Firestorm! I haven't read that comic since January either! But it's up next in the queue! I hope Ronnie's mom is in the next issue. She's so funny!

Shouldn't being caught by a guy running at 500 miles per hour hurt worse than slamming into the Earth at 32 feet per second per second? Somebody do the math.

The Flash's power creates another rip in time. I guess his power ignores Flash Point! He should go run around Legion Lost and help them get home!

This rip in time creates a wormhole that sucks the other half of the ship up through it. Iris West and a couple other passengers were still on this half of the ship and they disappear into the time stream. Maybe the next title of the New 52 will be Iris West and Some Other Normal People Lost!

Whoops!

Captain Cold has also fallen into the river, revealing his weakness. Water freezes over him and he can't control his powers. He can barely even breathe. So he has the same weakness as the Wicked Witch of the West: a bucket of water! Flash is just a little bit angry about Iris West and the other people plunging into the freezing water and he takes it out on Captain Cold. Like it's his fault that The Flash causes tears in reality! How was he supposed to know? So The Flash pummels Captain Cold in the face until Captain Cold reveals that his sister is dying because of The Flash's EMP and that's why he was acting like such an ass. Aww! Forgiven?

That's better! Just call him 'Cold'. Fuck that Captain shit!

Flash heads back to Dr. Elias and that awful treadmill that I know is going to be trouble so that he can run off his excess Speed Force energy. He makes Elias promise that when he fills the batteries by running on the treadmill that the doctor will use some of that energy to help out Captain Cold's sister. But The Flash isn't going to be around for that.

Yep. The Cosmic Treadmill is back. DCU Continuity is fucked and we're only on Issue #7.

The Flash's plan to find Iris is to create another wormhole while running faster than the speed of light on his new Cosmic Treadmill. Then he'll run through it and disappears into the time stream and he'll find Iris West! Just like that! Well, maybe not just like that. But it's Time Travel, right? So he can just keep trying again and again until he finds her and he's the only one that actually ages relative to everyone else in the Time Stream. So he's just sacrificing a few years randomly hopping to different points of time and space until he finds her. It shouldn't take that long, right? How long was Quantum Leap on the air?

Meanwhile, somewhere (and some time?) in Africa, Gorilla Grodd and his super apes are awaiting the second coming of their Gorilla saviour. Will it be Barry? I don't know because I don't know if this Gorilla scene is supposed to be in the present or the future. Does Gorilla City exist right now in the DCU? Flash and Green Lantern mention working together to stop a Gorilla back in one of the Justice League comics that took place five years ago in the new continuity. Maybe The Flash will accidentally send Grodd back in time to fight himself.

Flash Point seems to have no effect on The Flash and that makes enough sense as it having any effect on anybody ever anyway. So, you know, whatever. If someone needs to travel through time in the DC Universe, they either can't because of Flash Point or they can because the writer really needs them to travel in time. But The Flash doesn't actually end up going anywhere in time. He's still somewhere in the Speed Force or the Time Stream or some other halfway space when he's grabbed from behind by some guy named Turbine who is stuck in the Speed Force and wants The Flash to get him out. But that story will have to wait until next issue.

The Flash #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like this comic because it's not afraid to be a comic. Like Mister Terrific, it doesn't really care to try to explain the nonsense with much more than a flippant line or two that is just meant to wink at the reader and say, "Yeah, yeah. I know. But here, let's pretend this excuse makes up for the silly." I appreciate that! Just like Batman being able to grapple any building and swing across town, I'll make fun of it but I don't actually mind it. It's just part of the normal course of comic events. Like The Flash running super fast and not smashing into walls constantly or exploding people's heads when he's simply trying to save them. Just like how I pointed out that Time Travel is impossible in the DCnU except when a writer wants it to be possible, I don't mind ridiculous shit in comics unless I want to mind it for a joke or because I hate J.T. Krul's writing! So there!