Grifter #6

Were backpack buckles the only things the aliens had lying around with which to tie up Grifter?

I believe I've said this before: Nathan Edmondson's Narration Boxes are horrible. Vile. Despicable? They don't actually say anything. Here's what he does: he makes a statement. Then he makes a second statement that uses a word from the first statement to tie the two statements together even if it doesn't follow. Then he tangles a few more statements together while repeating words so it sounds like the statements make some kind of sense.

But they don't. They're weaving a spell. A spell to make you stupid. A spell to lull you into a false sense that something profound is being said. But nothing is being said. Absolutely nothing. And you're spending $2.99 to read obfuscation and legerdemain.

Case in point: The opening page to Grifter #6. Sofia is heading to board a sea plane to catch up to Cole Cash on a spaceship. As she's running, Cole Cash (Grifter) is Narration Boxing.

Simple statement. Cole doesn't trust anyone. He's a hardened street urchin full of self-reliance and a grim perception of the way things are.

A joke! He's poor and can't afford anything! But he also can't afford to be let down. Again, a strong sense of self-reliance.

Here's some of that sleight of hand. Now that we've established the word trust in the monologue, let's slip it out and replace it with faith! Now instead of something that can be earned and relied upon (trust), we've exchanged it for something that must be utterly believed without any evidence. But since Nathan uses the words interchangeably, we barely notice the difference. Tricky!

And now faith, having replaced trust, is itself replaced by hope! It's like the cup and ball trick! Are you watching carefully?

And what the fuck? Where'd the ball go?!

And the big finish! A statement that has nothing to do with anything and how the fuck did we get here? But it feels like it fits because he said that unseen thing earlier and then he said that bit about what he was seeing not inspiring much hope. And trust and faith are gone but remember those basically equaled hope and now he's saying that part about being hopeless! But this statement has nothing to do with trust or faith or, actually, hope. It's just a confusing lead-in to Grifter seeing something scary.

The hopelessness Cole feels came on because he's tied up on a spaceship surrounded by Daemonites and he's about to be sacrificed to summon the Black Frigate Curate. I'm not sure why he was rambling on about never trusting anyone at this moment. Maybe it was supposed to tie in with Sofia and how Cole doesn't trust that she'll save him. Although why should she save him? They just fucking met! And does he expect her to jump her motorcycle onto a spaceship?

Cole notices his girlfriend Gretchen in a cage on the ship and he gets mad at this. He calls the Daemonites animals but doesn't ask them if they've had enough yet. Maybe he needs to be shackled as well as tied before they start to worry that he's got the upper hand.

Oh yeah. I heard them say that once. So we're back to faith, are we? Let's see where this goes.

The ramblings of a mad man! So we discard faith because decisions don't use faith? They're based on logic, right? Is that where we're going with this?

Are you insinuating that mathematicians use faith when they need to solve for X and Y and Z and A all at the same time?

So when you have to solve a complicated equation with many variables, you "leap without looking"? You just leave it up to fate? You trust in faith? You trust your guts? How about you do the fucking math, you lazy bastard?!

Your motivations for what? Solving equations? Making decisions? Trusting someone? Having faith? What the fuck are you talking about?

Meanwhile, Sofia is jumping out of an airplane because the tracker she put on Cole has declared hat he is just under her airplane even though there is nothing there. So she jumps out and lands on the invisible spaceship. So you see, Cole's narration is related to what Sofia is doing even though he has no idea what she's up to. But in his case, where he's kneeling on the ground waiting to be killed so a Daemonite God can be called forth, I'm not sure it applies.

And then Cole escapes from being bound in the same way that he escaped the tape and bandages he put around his hand and gun in that issue where he sparred with Green Arrow.

As you can see in the top panel, his hands are completely bound. Beneath that, completely free.

Grifter runs to Gretchen and gives her his mask with a knife hidden in it. It must be a Mask of Holding. And Sofia somehow gets inside the ship even though she was outside on the invisible hull. I suppose she scrounged around, got lucky, and found a doorknob. She also brought some grenades to set off in the first room she entered on the ship which probably houses some really critical engines or gas tanks or anti-matter compartments or something. You know, like doors leading on to a ship would open into.

Carver begins summoning the Black Curate while Gretchen begins the easy enough task of breaking out of a high tech alien prison using a Swiss Army knife. And then Sofia's grenades explode causing just the distraction Grifter knew would happen because he doesn't trust anyone and he has no faith in anything and he trusts his guts to solve complex math equations with too many variables. The only thing he wasn't prepared for was the witty repartee.

I have no idea why he says this! He isn't punning on anything!

I'm beginning to suspect that Grifter is schizophrenic. If I could just see the world the way he sees it, maybe his ramblings, mutterings, and heat of the battle one-liners would make some kind of sense. I would allow for the say cheese line if he already had the gun and was about to shoot people with it. But he hasn't even picked it up when he utters this garbage.

Then the Black Curate arrives through the portal and shows that the good guys aren't the only side with assholes who turn on each other. Even though Carver is about to take care of Cole, the Curate is angry with her for calling him forth while chaos and violence is happening. So he kills her. Not quite as bad as Batgirl's detective but close enough.

And then Sofia arrives to save them while she jabbers on in English with the occasional Spanish phrase or word because that's the way bilingual people speak! Cabra de Dios!

Because hatches from outside always lead to the Engine Room. And shouldn't she have said, "We're not long for el cielo"?

The Portal begins to collapse and the Black Curate falls back inside it. Gretchen, Sofia, and Cole run in a random direction because the ship is collapsing and they need to find a way off the ship. Or an escape pod! But Gretchen doesn't make it because she doesn't listen to Cole's advice.

Yeah! Stop fucking around with that Daemonite and get away from the fucking portal, you dumb broad!

The portal and the ship crash all around Sofia and Cole so they dive out of a convenient hole in the bottom of the ship and parachute safely to the ground while holding hands in a perfectly and reasonable scientific way.

They'll be okay. They're going to land in snow! It's soft!

And then Grifter finishes his Narration Boxing but I'm not going to scan these. I'll just type them out:

Grifter: If Faith is leaping without looking...
Grifter: If faith is believing in things unseen, and trusting in what you don't know...
Grifter: ...then I guess I'm a believer. [Fuck you.]
Grifter: But they killed my brother Max [Really? The Cover of Issue #8 would like a word with you.], and now the love of my life...[Highly doubtful. Both that they've killed her and that she's the love of your life.]
Grifter: ...They've taken everything from me. Believing left me with this. [He's holding his stupid mask.]

And that's it. He supposes he's a believer now instead of a gut truster. I don't know why. But then he ends as if believing is bad and look at what it left him? Like I said, the ramblings of a mad man. But they're trying their hardest to make you believe that they make sense.

The issue ends with Grifter getting a psychic call for help from the piece of the Eye of the Storm (Stormwatch HQ) that crashed in the Himalayas. I guess he's headed there to get his ass kicked by Midnighter. If he defeats Midnighter in a fight, I will swallow my tongue. That's a promise!

Grifter Issue #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. It can't fall much further but fuck it! This was horrible! Lousy narration. Unbelievable action even for a comic book. How'd she get in the ship from the outside? How'd she trace him in the sky with the bug she put on him while flying a small plane? Where was Grifter hiding his knife?! Why would the Black Curate kill his head priest? How did Sofia end up in the engine room? How did Grifter undo the ropes binding him? How did Gretchen take down a Daemonite with a Swiss Army Knife?! This comic is stupid. I wish it were done in the style of Family Circus. Then I'd only have to read one panel.