Harley's Little Black Book #3

It would be funnier if the bunnies were beavers and cocks!

The Review!
Some times I read a comic book and I don't have anything to say about it and don't feel like spending any time trying to come up with something to say about it. This was one of those times. Anyway, y'all know what to expect from a Harley Quinn book. Zany antics. Mildly risqué jokes. At least one panel of Harley in her underwear. It's all here! Just like last time!

The Commentary!
Just so the record will show, I am at least one male who loves the Supergirl television show without any caveats or exceptions or covers to compensate for my masculinity. Supergirl is the kind of hero I expect all super heroes to be. She's compassionate, happy, and excited to use her powers to help make the world a better place. Although I do get disappointed every time she rips her shirt off at the beginning that she's wearing her costume underneath. See? I'm still a big hairy man with manly needs! Like wanting to see lacy bras and stuff! You know the stuff I mean! Like lacy boxer shorts! And maybe the stuff under those!

My biggest complaint about the show is that Kara doesn't have any female friends. Her sister doesn't count because that's family. And Cat obviously doesn't count because that's her boss. Kara's friends are just a bunch of guys. Or maybe just two guys and a martian. When she finally does get a woman in the office, Siobhan becomes her rival which is exactly the wrong direction to take. Hopefully the second season rectifies this bullshit and Kara makes a friend, preferably a peer (meaning super hero! Like Batwoman!). I suppose Siobhan can still make the switch and become Kara's friend next season. And hopefully she's not one of those competitive friends either! I want Kara to have a totally fun and carefree and meaningful female friend she can share everything with. Like kisses!

Damn male gaze! I just can't turn it off!

Too bad Supergirl wasn't guest starring in this comic book so that my introduction wouldn't be out of place.

Boy, Harley's Beaver and Mike Cock are a never ending source of jokes! Or the same joke!

Big Tony has booked Zatanna to play his burlesque show for three nights. I bet that means she's going to get into some crazy shenanigans with Harley Quinn! I hope they're sexy!

The London Legion of Superheroes are also currently staying in Harley's Wax Museum/Hotel/Apartment Building/Animal Sanctuary. And on top of all of that, some freak show ghosts move into the building!

Zatanna sleeps in her bra? This is the worst mistake DC ever made!

Zatanna and Harley join forces to get rid of the ghosts and a bunch of "funny" things happen and then the comic book is over!

Legends of Tomorrow #2

This thing is thick like a proper magazine.

The Review!
This is a weird book. What is DC thinking publishing a magazine like this? Who besides me is going to keep buying a book that costs eight dollars and might only have one character they're interested in? Are fans of Firestorm, Metamorpho, and The Metal Men big enough fans to pay that price for one regular sized story about the character they love? Maybe with an eight dollar cover price, DC can afford to put out a book like this even when it doesn't sell many units. Even though I'm a huge Metamorpho fan and I love the concept of Giffen's New 52 Sugar and Spike, I'm still disappointed with this book. I was really hoping for a format that brings at least two new characters to the table each month. But we're headed into the third month with the exact same lineup! If I'm going to read some kind of throwback super-sized anthology series for more than one dollar, I at least want some fucking variety! Or maybe just fucking! I'll forgive everything if Rex and Sapphire have a sex scene next issue. Although I'll also accept a sex scene between Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rausch. And maybe Sugar and Spike. And definitely Platinum and Superman! Or--and this is my last exception to the Rex/Saph fuckfest--a full page panel of Doc Magnus shoving Responsometers up his ass. Do you want my eight dollars or not, DC Comics?!

The Commentary!
It's fat books like these that take up all of my time and energy so I'm not going to digress much with this one. This one is going to be bullet points all the way down!

• The Firestorm issue begins with Martin Stein forbidding Jason and Ronald from engaging in homosexual sex. He explains that it's unhealthy for them and their community. What an ignorant bigot! He's as bad as Ronnie's mom!

• Jason and Ronnie discover that their beard is gay. Great! Now maybe they can accept their obscene desires for one another! I don't mean that gay love is obscene. I just mean Ronnie and Jason are into some weird Matrix Merging Firestorm shit.

• Jason blows his internship interview because he decides to reenact that urban legend about Rod Stewart. You know the one involving the stomach pump! Being younger, you may have heard it about Bon Jovi, or maybe one of the Backstreet Boys. I wonder if it's been resurrected about Drake yet. He seems the type that people would believe would collapse at a concert with his stomach full of semen.

• Because Jason's stomach is full of Ronnie's cream filling, he can't become Firestorm anymore. Martin Stein was against two teenage boys having sex so he takes away Jason's power. Instead he gives it to himself because I guess he's a member of NAMBLA where it's okay for a teenage boy to consent to sex as long as it's with a grown man.

• I'm disappointed that this might be the end of Jason Rausch and Ronnie Raymond's love story! Now I've got to read about an icky old pervert scientist slobbering all over the high school quarterback? No thanks!

• The issue ends with General Eiling sending Major Force to take care of Multiplex and probably Firestorm too.

• The Metamorpho story begins with Rex Mason calling Java a super derogatory word for a caveman! It's the M-word, if you're not sure which word I'm talking about. If you're still not sure, don't fucking blame me. I'm not the one that decided adults should speak to other adults like they're speaking to children because a bunch of people are afraid of language. You'll just have to be perplexed because nobody is going to trick me into saying "Monkey"!

• By tricking Java (which is easy because he's such a stupid M-word), Rex escapes from Simon Stagg's clutches. Sapphire decides to escape along with him. Probably because of his titanium cock.

• The Yeti story is true.

• Kanjar Ro has come to Earth to retrieve the power source he loaned Simon Stagg. It may or may not be the Orb of Ra. If it is, I'm guessing it should actually be called the Orb of Ro.

• The power source is actually Metamorpho. Kanjar Ro wants to pour him in his ship's gas tank.

• Rex and Sapphire return the Orb of Ra to its original resting place in the pyramid in Egypt and are taken back in time with the other Outsiders. I mean, um, they're transported to another planet. Probably the one where the ancient aliens who built the pyramids are from!

• Do you realize there are people in this world who both believe the pyramids were built by ancient aliens and believe we never actually went to the moon. Pretty much anybody who calls into Coast to Coast AM or is named Clyde Lewis believe everything that is opposite what anybody of any kind of authority believe. So a scientist says something? Bullshit! He's got an agenda! An expert on ancient architecture explains in a rational way how ancient civilizations built things? Bullshit! She's got an agenda! Anybody says anything that doesn't have anything to do with the paranormal or aliens or hoodoo? Bullshit! It's a great big disinformative lie to obfuscate, inveigle, and deceive.

• The next story is the Sugar and Spike story! It's the one I've been waiting for because I love the premise! Two detectives run a business doing jobs for superheroes to clean up possibly embarrassing (and probably Golden Age) past situations in their lives.

• Come on! How can you not love this concept?! Plus it's reintegrating all of that lost Preboot history! You thought the story about Superman creating an island that looked like himself where he hid all of his Kryptonite was obliterated from the canon?! WRONG, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that story is still true, why can't they all still be true! ALL OF THEM! EVERY SINGLE STUPID FUCKING ONE! YES!

• Sugar and Spike is Keith Giffen's next Ambush Bug and Cheeks the Toy Wonder. Frankly, this idea is genius and I don't think I could ever get enough of it.

• Superman Island has been taken over by a young girl and her evil robot toys. And Sugar and Spike's weapons only shoot tranq darts which probably don't affect robots.

• See?

• Sugar and Spike defeat the toys, get the Kryptonite, and escape from Superman Island. But not before they've made a mortal enemy of the robot toys boss, Toywoman!

• The Metal Men are the last story and I've said everything there is to say about them like how they all want to fuck Superman and how Doctor Magnus keeps the Responsometers up his ass and how Mercury covers every field of battle in toxic waste. I think I'll just end my bullet points here. Unless, of course, somebody gets fucked by a Metal Man.

• Or if a fantastic guest star manages to worm his way into the story!

• Red Tornado also guest stars as a villain since he was hacked by the bad guy. Which I probably didn't need to state because isn't Red Tornado constantly getting hacked by the bad guy? It doesn't really matter since he's going to end this story with his limbs torn off. Just like always! Only losers like Red Tornado!

• No offense meant, The Angry Hero!

Aquaman #51

Pickle Boy Comic Book Fact #1: Covers with Aquaman being beaten to a pulp sell more copies than covers where he looks triumphant.

The Review!
I hope Cullen Bunn's friend doesn't comment on my review of this comic book because he's so fucking boring! He's always all, "Pretentious bullshit, pretentious bullshit, defend Cullen Bunn's version of Twat Lobo and Aquacarter of Mars." It's like he doesn't understand satire, sarcasm, parody, and whatever the fuck I'm actually doing which isn't any of those things I just wrote but I'd like to think are those things because they sound intelligent. He's a total bummer! Not a bummer like a UK Slang bummer! I mean a bummer like an American Slang bummer which is a downer! Every time I see he's commented on a commentary, I groan really loudly and kick my feet and roll my eyes and yell, "I don't wanna read this garbage!" Then I usually don't respond because I did respond once in a funny manner but he took it totally the wrong way and flipped the fuck out in the way that online commenters love to do! You know, I don't even have a proper review of this issue because I expect the boring fuck to tell me what I should have thought when reading this. Which will probably be something like, "This story is nowhere as exciting as Cullen Bunn's story! His ass tastes so good! Mmmm!"

The Commentary!
If I were the editor of Aquaman at DC Comics, I would insist that he be left in a worse position than he was in when the comic book began every fucking issue. It would be editorially mandated that Aquaman never have anything go right for him. I bet it would be a terrific seller! People would begin picking it up because they couldn't resist seeing how far Aquaman could still fall. Not every month would be something hugely dramatic though. Sometimes he might just have severe diarrhea while trying to attend a Justice League meeting. Maybe one issue he would be proudly sporting a new fedora while everybody snickered behind his back. What I'm saying is Aquaman shouldn't pretend to be anything but the laughingstock he was meant to be! Bad-ass doesn't look good on Arthur. Riding on the back of a gigantic seahorse does!

This issue begins twelve hours before it should since on page three the narration box says "Twelve Hours Earlier." It begins in the future with Scavenger and his gang of scavengers scavenging on the bottom of the ocean. But they get news that Aquaman is hunting them which totally sounds like an exciting time! But then the whole twelve hours earlier thing happens and now I have to slog through a bunch of boring prologue before getting back to the chase. Come on, comic book! If I wanted boring story and setup, I'd be reading a real book!

The first half of the comic is just Aquaman questioning the guy who transforms into the sea beast, Dead Water. If you're into Aquaman being boring like he usually is, this is totally the comic book for you. But at least he doesn't have every super power in the world and traveling into outer space! At least Mera looks hot in her new Aquaman costume.

Although she's acting really boring too!

Ten pages of boring conversation with the man who can transform into Dead Water later and the comic book returns to the present where all of the excitement was about to happen before it was interrupted by boredom and more boredom. That's the problem with flashing back to the beginning of a story! All of that explication was unnecessary! I don't care what Dead Water's motives were for killing the people he killed! Aquaman could have simply found out the name of his previous employer, realized it was The Scavenger, and begun the chase! Maybe I really should be editing this comic book!

The chase is pretty boring too. Basically Aquaman searches Scavenger's old bases until he finds him and then the comic book ends with the cover image. Also Dead Water got out of the dehydration chamber by crying. See, he wasn't really able to cry but he finally got so sad that he managed it. So Aquaman is having trouble with Scavenger and Mera is having trouble with Dead Water and I'm having trouble liking Aquaman.

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

Robin, Son of Batman #11

Why is Robin's doublet covered in semen?

The Review!
Tom Napolitano just nails the lettering in this issue. Every "A" looks like an "A"! And his "C"s look totally like "C"s! Not once did he make an "L" and an "I" run together so that they look like a "U"! He did his job so well that not once did I think that somebody was responsible for the lettering! His word balloon placements were par excellence! At one point, he even managed to use lowercase letters! I fucking thought that was impossible in a DC Comic! My mind was fucking blown! If you're into lettering as much as I am not, you will love his use of letters. They're just all over the place! It made me think, "You know? Without letters, how would the story be told?! What an important job Tom has!" Then I realized there's probably a sexual fetish where people become aroused when they see certain letters and I began to wonder if Tom would work in the porn industry. Then I searched the NSFW tag on Tumblr. Then I had a nap. This was an entertaining issue well lettered! Kudos, Tom!

The Commentary!
I'm angry that I have the John Romita Jr. cover for this issue because the regular cover has a gorilla and a pun on it and that pun is not "Gorilla Warfare"! It's "Gorilla in the Midst". Ha ha! So good. Although it also brings to mind the death of Dian Fossey so maybe it isn't the funniest pun. Perhaps DC should have just gone with Gorilla Warfare.

Last issue ended with Damian off to Gorilla City. Is Gorilla City still something fans find exciting? That seems like something that should have been left to the Silver Age when kids were still fascinated by talking Gorillas. Now that science has taught at least one of them to use sign language, the world has discovered how boring and kitten obsessed they are. They're just like us! How about if Gorilla City were invaded and destroyed by a bunch of Magic the Gathering playing nerds who masturbate to their Chandra Nalaar cards? Now that would be a scary and mysterious city. It would also be full of boring arguments about rules by people who think they're consistently logical but are almost always simply interpreting rules to favor their style of gameplay. God how I don't miss playing Magic the Gathering with strangers. Especially the assholes who would play all of their cards super fast so that if they played a card you weren't familiar with, they might be able to get past your hand full of counterspells. I suppose that's my fault for never finding the time to memorize every fucking card and what that fucking card does. Fucking Feldon's Cane. Piece of shit asshole should have lost if I'd known what that card did but the fucker was already shuffling his graveyard into his hand and by then I didn't want to have to punch him in the face in the argument that would ensue if I declared I countered it. Dick.

You know what? I'm going to say it! All Magic the Gathering players are dicks. They're fucking piece of shit monsters who should not be allowed out in public! Win at all costs nerds are my bane! No, they're my Bane! They may not have broken my back but they definitely broke my spirit. I'm a white male and they drove me away from their tournaments and their collector's shops backroom gaming tables! Christ they're assholes.

I suppose I could chalk up most of my bad experiences playing Magic to my own ignorance. Like when a player cast Winter Blast, a sorcery, as an instant to tap and kill my flying creatures that were about to attack on my turn to win the game. I only had one card left in my deck at that point so I was sure to lose. Except my final card was Ball Lightning which was able to attack the same turn it was summoned and trampled all over his cheating fucking ass! Once again though, I should have memorized every fucking card and I wouldn't have been manipulated like that! This was back when The Dark had just come out, so there weren't nearly as many cards to memorize. But this was also in the early days of the internet so even finding out about all the Legends and Antiquities and Arabian Nights cards that were out there was a bit of a chore. Which explains why I'm being so sarcastic about having to memorize every card, and yet not being sarcastic in that it's the only way to make sure your fucking asshole opponent doesn't take advantage of you.

I shouldn't act as if Magic the Gathering and its players are the problem. The problem is playing against strangers. Also the problem is assholes. Also the problem is asshole strangers who love to play Magic the Gathering.

I know, I know. I know what you're all thinking: #notallMagicplayers. But in this case, yes, yes indeed. All Magic players. Every last one of the stinking twats. And probably all the Yu-Gi-Oh players too!

That gorilla really hates it when somebody touches his weapon!

Robin has gone to Gorilla City to stop the Lu'un Darga from destroying the world. But he's trying to stop them from doing exactly what he was doing during the Year of Retribution. I'm not sure if Ray Fawkes completely understood the story he was taking over.

But isn't that exactly what you were doing during your Year of Retribution? Undoing your Year of Blood work? And, I might add, helping the Lu'un Darga while doing it! I guess once Damian's brothers were killed, he realized undoing the Year of Blood was ultimately a bad thing?

Also in the raid on Gorilla City? Talia and Nobody's Daughter!

Worst human in the world? Talia plays Magic?!

Damian, son of Batman and Talia al Ghul, discovers that his enemy is Bad Son, Son of Lu'un Darga and Mrs. Lu'un Darga. I wonder if the Bad Son's real name is Naimad! It would help make the point so ridiculously unsubtle that it ceases to be annoying for how unsubtle the whole "Damian versus a version of himself he could have become" plot is. I suppose Batman has had about five gamillion of these types of stories, so Damian needs a few too.

I don't know if this scene is supposed to show that Naimad is less witty than a high-schooler who thinks constantly quoting Oscar Wilde is the height of wit, or it's merely Ray Fawkes who has been exposed.

I already forgot that Naimad had mentioned his name was Suren earlier. I'll probably just keep referring to him as Naimad.

As Damian bickers with his new little playmate, Bruce arrives to send somebody into a timeout. A Bat-timeout!

I think Damian's dialogue should read "Faaaaaaaatheeeeeeer...!"

I suppose since this is the first time Damian has seen his dad since he became Batman again, he's toning down the whining and just trying to be happy to see him. Although Batman is still interrupting Damian's big day.

Naimad completes his task which means his family will soon be resurrected and the world will end. He disappears but not before Maya can hop on his back and go with him. Damian witnesses his mother and father getting along (a bit) and has sitcom dreams of his parents getting back together. As if Alfred would allow Talia to live under his roof.

Naimad has one last Year of Blood item to replace before Damian's Year of Retribution can be complete. Although by completing it, the world will end, so Damian needs to kind of stop it from happening. Even though he did most of the work himself. The last item to be replaced is something from Dinosaur Island!

Gorilla City? Dinosaur Island? Ray Fawkes does know he's writing modern comic books, right?

Lois and Clark #7

This reminds me of a skin tag story I've yet to tell but probably won't have time to get to in this commentary. So forget I even mentioned it.

The Review!
Are we still pretending that I actually give a damn about reviewing these comic books?! I'm just an old person trying to remember the plot of fifty or more comic books every month and this is how I do it! But some people think review sites should actually review comic books so I keep up the fucking pretense! Here I go. This comic book is about Superman and Lois Lane and their son, Stupidfuck. It is probably not worth spending any amount of your finite life reading but then what actually is? If you like comic books with Superman written by a robot built in 1986 that hasn't been updated since, you may feel this is adequate distraction from your helter-skelter, headlong sprint toward the grave. I do know that I won't regret having read it if I'm given any time to have regrets because I'm languishing with some mortal illness. But that's just because I also read Ann Nocenti's Katana. That will be the thing I'll be regretting on my day of death. That and probably not dropping more LSD.

The Commentary!
My battle with the Weird Science Comics Blog is really heating up now! One of them has come at me really aggressively with all of this "Let's Play Nice" bullshit that I'm totally seeing right through! He saw that my plan was to forget about them and then he followed me on Twitter and commented on some of my Tumblr posts just to remind me that he exists and to pretend that he's a nice guy! And yet he purposefully and consciously foiled my plan of forgetting about them! What an evil genius mastermind of evil! Now I must forget about my plan to forget about them and work to destroy them forever! But first I'm going to read Lois and Clark #7!

Although do I really have time to read comics now that I must work to wipe pure evil off of the face of the Earth? Oh, of course I do! Even the mightiest of paladins must take the occasional break from their righteous quests! And who's a more mighty paladin than me?! So I'll take some really mighty breaks! After I read Lois and Clark #7, I'll probably play some Call of Duty!

Why must parents always lie to their children?

Two of the stupidest things DC has tried to convince their readers are unanswerable questions are who's fastest between Flash and Superman and who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. We all know that Flash is faster no matter how DC wants to present Superman as the most powerful person ever and in every way imaginable. And we all know that Batman could never actually match Superman. Sure, Batman might reduce his heart rate and respiration and fall to the ground as if dead and Superman will be all "No! I didn't mean to kill you!" as he rushes to Batman's side where Batman proceeds to shove a Kryptonite shiv into Superman's liver. But if it were a life and death battle for Lois Lane's life, Superman might just have to fry Bruce with his heat vision from orbit. Better not to take any chances. And now that I think about it, I suppose if Superman were allowed to run the race against Flash in the same way Dick Dastardly was always allowed to run in the Wacky Races, he could probably beat The Flash. Right before the starter gun goes off, Superman can use his FWASH power to incinerate The Flash. Sure, Superman would lose his powers for 24 hours but at that point, he could just walk to the finish line. Although if The Flash is paying attention, he can outrun the FWASH explosion (by running backwards so he doesn't get a false start and get disqualified) and then run back to beat Superman easily. So I think The Flash would win no matter what. Or he could just time travel after losing, put some Kryptonite Marshmallows in Superman's breakfast before the race, and then beat Superman because Superman is dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it depends on the writer and the editor telling the story but if Superman beat Flash or Batman beat Superman, readers that day would set the world record for most people doing the Hand Jive at the same time. Although technically they'd just be making jerking off motions but nobody would have to tell Guinness that.

Jon agrees with me that Flash should be faster but for stupid kid reasons like things being fair and shit. What a little jerk! I hope he's forced to go on a play date with New 52 Danny Chase.

So, Jon discovered he has super powers last issue because he's got to be ready for joining the Teen Titans in Rebirth. He should fit in great because I already hate the little noseminer. Just to be clear, I don't hate him for any actual reason. It's pure bias on my part.

Meanwhile, Superman finally deals with the reality television drama that was only in the plot to delay him so that Jon could show off his powers and he's off to help save his family.

Welp, the Superman is out of the bag.

While Clark and Lois explain where they're from to their son, Clark mentions that their old universe is gone. Well, that can't be right! I thought they went back in time with Parallax and Flash and they stopped the Crisis on Infinite Earths from happening. I figured they chose to live in the New 52 universe because Golden Age Superman, after surviving Crisis thanks to the current retcon, decided to take up living on silver age Superman's Earth. Oh, who can tell! Hopefully Rebirth #1 is just a long note telling the fans that all of the stories ever told by DC are true and if any of them contradict any others then it's the fault of the reader's inability to see how they don't actually contradict.

The issue ends with Hyathis searching for half of the Oblivion Stone which is in Superman's Prison of Semi-Solitude. I guess that fight should end this series and then it's on to Rebirth where bearded, experienced, acts-like-Superman Superman will take over for fresh corpse Superman?

Action Comics #51

In this issue, Superman borrows The Atom's technology to learn what it's like to be a spermatozoa.

The Review!
This month's issue is a bit light on story but it gets across everything it needs to before bringing Wonder Woman into the story since the next installment takes place in Superman Loves Wonder Woman. Since Tomasi is handling every aspect of this story, it's been consistent and well-paced which is something the Superman titles have sorely lacked. Although some might argue the "well-paced" part since there wasn't any punches thrown this issue. Which is weird because Supergirl hasn't seen her cousin in some time. You'd think she would have greeted him like she used to with a nice right cross to the jaw.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Superman planning a trip to famed National City in search of his cousin, Supergirl. This issue begins with him immediately finding her shoved into an overly complicated La-Z-Boy recliner inside a secret lab of the DEO (Department of Extra-Normal Operations (which is a pretty stupid name, really. And for what? An acronym that doesn't have any kind of wink-wink meaning like ARGUS?)). I know the Supergirl television show decided to go the Martian Manhunter as director route but this being a comic book, can we please get Mister Bones back? He was still running the thing in Batwoman but Batwoman was one of those weird New 52 titles that clung heavily to Preboot history and material. Plus a lot of it seemed to have been scrapped when Blackman and Williams had their falling out with DC.

Superman doesn't ask anybody why Supergirl is in the chair. He doesn't think, "Maybe she's hurt or sick and the DEO are helping?" He just kicks in the door, says, "Fuck you, assholes!", destroys their equipment, and flies off with Supergirl. I suppose I don't blame him since Supergirl has been missing for so long and the DEO doesn't have the best reputation. But he is Superman which means he actually can take a moment to consider that his actions might hurt Supergirl more than help her. Although the DEO is so shitty that that moment could turn into Superman being enveloped in a cloud of Kryptonite dust. Double although, maybe that would cure him? Oh! Or maybe the DEO is curing Supergirl of her Kryptonite poisoning that perhaps was worse than she thought! Maybe she's in some kind of Kryptonite Dialysis machine! I'm not exactly clear on what Dialysis does but I think it takes the pee out of people and puts in not pee. Or something. So it might be analogous to a Kryptonite Removing Machine.

Oh Supergirl's bum, how I've missed you!

Supergirl explains where she's been and how she was losing her powers too and how that led her to team up with Cameron Chase (no relation to Danny Chase. I think? But also played by Charisma Carpenter in the Supergirl television show! I think) and the DEO.

Meanwhile, the Wanna-be Superman decides to also pose as Clark Kent. Well, it's less of a decision and more of a can't help himself from doing it. So he invades the Daily Planet and winds up killing a few security guards before Lois Lane takes him down with a Taser. Perry decides to send the guy to ARGUS to figure out what the hell's going on.

Superman wills the Fortress of Solitude over to Supergirl just before Wonder Woman shows up armed for a fight. She's a bit miffed that Superman found out he was dying and decided to tell Batman first. As if Batman doesn't get to find out everything first!