Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.

Harley's Little Black Book #3

It would be funnier if the bunnies were beavers and cocks!

The Review!
Some times I read a comic book and I don't have anything to say about it and don't feel like spending any time trying to come up with something to say about it. This was one of those times. Anyway, y'all know what to expect from a Harley Quinn book. Zany antics. Mildly risqué jokes. At least one panel of Harley in her underwear. It's all here! Just like last time!

The Commentary!
Just so the record will show, I am at least one male who loves the Supergirl television show without any caveats or exceptions or covers to compensate for my masculinity. Supergirl is the kind of hero I expect all super heroes to be. She's compassionate, happy, and excited to use her powers to help make the world a better place. Although I do get disappointed every time she rips her shirt off at the beginning that she's wearing her costume underneath. See? I'm still a big hairy man with manly needs! Like wanting to see lacy bras and stuff! You know the stuff I mean! Like lacy boxer shorts! And maybe the stuff under those!

My biggest complaint about the show is that Kara doesn't have any female friends. Her sister doesn't count because that's family. And Cat obviously doesn't count because that's her boss. Kara's friends are just a bunch of guys. Or maybe just two guys and a martian. When she finally does get a woman in the office, Siobhan becomes her rival which is exactly the wrong direction to take. Hopefully the second season rectifies this bullshit and Kara makes a friend, preferably a peer (meaning super hero! Like Batwoman!). I suppose Siobhan can still make the switch and become Kara's friend next season. And hopefully she's not one of those competitive friends either! I want Kara to have a totally fun and carefree and meaningful female friend she can share everything with. Like kisses!

Damn male gaze! I just can't turn it off!

Too bad Supergirl wasn't guest starring in this comic book so that my introduction wouldn't be out of place.

Boy, Harley's Beaver and Mike Cock are a never ending source of jokes! Or the same joke!

Big Tony has booked Zatanna to play his burlesque show for three nights. I bet that means she's going to get into some crazy shenanigans with Harley Quinn! I hope they're sexy!

The London Legion of Superheroes are also currently staying in Harley's Wax Museum/Hotel/Apartment Building/Animal Sanctuary. And on top of all of that, some freak show ghosts move into the building!

Zatanna sleeps in her bra? This is the worst mistake DC ever made!

Zatanna and Harley join forces to get rid of the ghosts and a bunch of "funny" things happen and then the comic book is over!

Harley's Little Black Book #2

It's okay for Harley to pinch Hal's ass without consent because she's pinching up.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

You Harley Quinn fans know you're being fleeced for every dollar DC Comics can wring out of you, right? I mean, I am too because I keep buying all of DC's comic books! But if I weren't buying them all, I certainly wouldn't be buying all of these Harley Quinn books. No matter how likeable the character may be, these books are all the same fluffy bullshit. It's like cotton candy! There's no substance to it! I mean, it does what it's supposed to do which is give you a moment's respite from the inevitability of your eventual death! And I suppose if you enjoy Harley reacting in the exact same way but with a slight variation on the words she uses, all of these Harley Quinn stories must make your underwear sticky. See? That's the kind of thing she would say! Over and over and over again! I don't like to think of myself as mature but I'm suddenly thinking I'm too mature for Amanda and Jimmy's Harley Quinn. If I have to have a cartoonish Harley, I'll take the original from the Batman animated series. I want my comic book Harley to be dark and dangerous and insane. Instead of playing with her beaver and Mike Cock, I'd rather she were fucking corpses and throwing babies off of skyscrapers.

Harley's Little Black Book #1

Am I allowed to open this without ruining my comic book collector cred?

That question was completely facetious because I already know the answer. Of course I'm going to open it! When I got the Death of Superman, I tore right into that sucker! And of course it's going to ruin my cred! When I tore into the Death of Superman, people fainted around me and I was almost banned from my comic book store!

Some of the previous story may have been an exaggeration of the truth. I wasn't even reading any Superman titles at the time when the Death of Superman was published. But my local comic book store held a copy for me anyway. That's how awesome I am! It's also the reason why, no matter how introverted and shy you are, it's smart to get in good with the clerks at your comic book store. That was back in Santa Clara, California, at Brian's Books (their second location! I'd been going there since before they moved!). The clerk's name was the same as mine (Jeff. Not Tess. I only constantly refer to myself as "Tess" because I figure, by the name of my site, people will understand that I'm talking about myself. If I suddenly mentioned the mysterious "Jeff", it might confuse some readers) and I think he might have had a crush on me. I'm also certain that years later, long after I stopped going to Brian's Books because I moved, he became a huge Mythbusters' fan. That's just speculation on my part. But he seemed like that kind of guy. We also talked Magic the Gathering a lot, so that might be why he wanted to see me naked so much.

Okay! I'm about to tear open my Black Bagged Harley book! I hope I get something exciting in it! What are the possibilities? A sketched cover, an inked cover, and a color cover?! Which one is the best? Probably the cover color, right? Is that the Rare one? Because I really only want the rare one. They obviously have different rarities, right? Everything inside sealed bags has rarities!

Oh. I got the color one. That must mean the other ones are rarer! I would have been disappointed with whatever one I got. Probably.

Do we really need a new Harley Quinn comic book? I'm fairly certain I'm up to my synapses in enough Harley Quinn. Hopefully this series will explain how she's in so many places at once: prison, California, Brooklyn, space. It's probably because she's a clone. I mean clown. No, wait. I was right the first time.

Harley Quinn has just defeated some thugs (comic book thugs and not the thugs that the Fox News guys want you to picture when you think of the word thugs. You know? Like the people Heroclix chose to use for their Thug Heroclix figure? Hmm. What is wrong with you, Heroclix?) and found evidence that Wonder Woman might be in trouble in London. That means Harley Quinn needs to team up with Wonder Woman! I already knew that because Wonder Woman is on the cover about eighteen times. I'm a pretty thorough reader.

Harley Quinn is super excited to team up with Wonder Woman because she has a shrine devoted to her.

I have a closet like this but it's for Aubrey Plaza.

This comic book is really thick and I don't want to wind up writing six pages of commentary on it, so I'm going to have to keep my thoughts brief. Although that's really nothing. I'm only forty-six pages into Genesis and I've managed to write 288 pages of commentary on that alone! If I ever fucking finish my commentary on the last eighteen pages of Genesis, I'll finally get around to publishing Lyle’s Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs by Grunion Guy! And then it'll be on to Exodus where I think a baby topples a civilization or something. It might sound ridiculous but remember that he gets help from frogs and insects.

Harley usually goes into hallucinations to pad the pages on her special comic books but this time she just has a flashback to when she was a little kid and was beaten on by bullies. Boy, those bullies sure are cool! I wish this comic book was about them! They're all like, "We don't give no fucks! We'll kick little girls in the stomach no problem! We probably do other cool things too like smoke cigarettes and talk back to our single parents working two jobs and probably even play doctor with stray cats." Being a bully is awesome!

Harley is forced to do the bullies' homework which is another cool reason to be a bully! You never have to do any homework! It is kind of weird that the star of the comic book is being kicked around by cool characters. It would almost seem like the bullies are actually the...oh. Um. What I meant to say is bullying is awful and nobody should ever do bullying of any kind and I hope Harley Quinn defeats them!

Whoa. That was close. I wish I understood social dynamics better! I almost rooted for the bad guys! Except isn't Harley Quinn also a bad guy? Fuck. I'm so confused!

Violent retaliation against bullies is not the fault of the victim; it's the fault of society and the grown-ups who continue to believe in a kids will be kids attitude.

When I was in fifth grade, I was in a bowling league. I was also extremely...unsociable? Maybe more a-sociable? I've never cared about any kind of diagnosis for how I've never quite fit in and I never really thought much about it until Ray Romano's character appeared on Parenthood. When people claim nobody in television or books or movies seems to represent them, realize that I'm a white male who never thought of any "white males" as being representative of who I was. Not until Parenthood and then not even until he begins to realize that maybe he's on the spectrum. But my life has paralleled that characters in ways all the way up to and including having my own business in which I only interact with people when I absolutely have to. I'm just trying to paint the picture that I didn't really fit in in many odd and quirky ways and sometimes people smelled that and didn't like it.

So this bully at the bowling alley told me one Friday night at league that if I showed up the next week, he was going to kick my ass. I don't remember why. I don't know what I did. It boggles me to this day. It's quite possible I said something awful about him out loud when I thought I was thinking it because he was a huge dick to everybody. But the next week, I didn't know what else to do except to bring a knife to protect myself. If he had bothered me, I would have stabbed him. That's it. That's all there was. Try to fuck with me and I will end it. But I brought the knife to school that day, some kid ratted on me, and I wound up crying in the Principal's Office. The principal could not have been cooler or more understanding, trying to find the root of what was going on and why I had the knife and what he could do to help. He even called my cousin, who was a year younger than me, in to ask him questions. But I wouldn't say anything. In the end, he took the knife away and had my grandmother pick me up. She, as always, was sweet and kind and understanding. But I was also stubborn and unable to truly articulate my frustrations with how the world works. And I also didn't want to miss bowling. So I went. Without my knife. And Brian (the stereotypical red-headed bully asshole with the short sidekick named Maurice) picked a fight with me. I flew into my usual tantrum when at my wits end and just flailed my arms like crazy while crying and screaming. I think I scared the shit out of him because he just kind of backed off and left me alone. I'm pretty sure he got in trouble and was kicked off the league after other people came forth to relate how horrible he was to everybody. But if I had had that knife, I have no doubt I would have pulled it out and one of us would have been wounded by it.

Bullied kids will find their power wherever they can. And bullied kids that already don't fucking understand how and why everything around them works the way it does? They're just powder kegs waiting for society to fail them. Because everybody thinks everybody else should just buck up and fit in. But some of us truly don't fucking know how.

So no matter how terrible Columbine was, there was always a piece of me that couldn't help but empathize with the monsters who perpetrated it. I know violence is no answer to violence. But you back people up to the wall long enough--and I'm not saying the Columbine kids were that. I'm saying they could have been and I would have understood it--and they'll find their power any way they know how. You treat people like shit long enough and they'll forget they're human. And then they won't care that you're human. And then you'll have the monsters you expect them all to be. You'll reap what you sow.

I'm not saying murderous action should be taken against our white cis-het male overlords! What I'm saying is that the white cis-het male overlords should realize that they wouldn't have to fear everybody else becoming murderous monsters if they just fucking stopped treating them like they already were!

Hmm. I feel like I went too deeply into the defense of mass shootings! I totally don't mean it that way at all! I'm a fucking conscientious object-or (thanks, e.e. cummings!) and a pacifist and mostly a huge pussy to boot! Also I'm fucking terrified of having conversations on the phone so I can't even organize a protest of anything! All I can do is write shit on the internet and cry about my cat who died a year ago. Actually I don't cry that often about Judas anymore although if I think too deeply about my last moments with him, it's all fucking over. Like now! Stupid brain! Stop sandbagging me!

Oh shit. Speaking of Judas! The universe is an awesome place sometimes and we owe it all to coincidence. Not everything has meaning outside of what you bring to it or is a sign teaching you how to save your son from aliens invading your farm.

Here's one easy way that I know I will not like a person! If they use the phrase "It is what it is" or "Everything happens for a reason." And if they say them both, I have to murder them. No, seriously. I know I mentioned I was a pacifist not two paragraphs ago but sometimes you have to forgo your ethics and just save the world from serious douchebaggery.

Anyway, enough about not Harley Quinn! Didn't I say something about keeping this shit short?! Fuck. Maybe that Brian asshole was right. Even I'm starting to hate myself.

Harley Quinn is stowing away with the chemical goodies so that she'll arrive in London to warn Wonder Woman about Barmy Bugger's plot to kill her. And while Harley's visiting, maybe she'll get to meet the London Legion, London's premier super hero group!

These guys totally won't get in the way at all and won't almost get Wonder Woman and Harley killed!

The London Legion never get a chance to work with Harley or to screw up her plans because they're knocked unconscious by some of Barmy Bugger's special knock-out gas. You know the kind? It knocks people out in gas form. They're taken hostage and Harley stows away in the van back to Barmy's hideout.

I'm at the halfway point in this comic book and Harley and Wonder Woman haven't even engaged in any finger banging. That's British for shaking hands, right?

Eventually Harley winds up with the knock out gas meant for Wonder Woman and heads on over to give Wonder Woman a dose because Harley comes up with strange plans that almost certainly don't involve removing Wonder Woman's underwear once she's unconscious. That would be unconscionable! Although a little bit sexy because it's fictional, right? That makes it okay? Maybe?

See! I knew it was okay! And it is a little bit sexy! It's like my pants suddenly don't fit right!

Harley Quinn puts on Wonder Woman's costume and throws on a wig so she can pretend to be Wonder Woman and capture Barmy Bugger!

She looks exactly like her!

Okay, I admit it. That's not really Harley Quinn as Wonder Woman. If you squint just right, you'll see it's my friend Doom Bunny who none of you know.

Barmy Bugger ambushes Wonder Woman's apartment and while Harley tries to battle his minions, Wonder Woman wakes up naked in the tub. I hope all of her towels are dirty! Her hair isn't long enough to hide her ass so I hope there's a panel where our perspective is from behind her! And maybe her legs are slightly parted. And maybe she's bending over! And maybe I should have been editor on this comic book!

Wonder Woman decides not to show me any of her mystical goodies. She'd rather risk whatever weird viruses and microbes Harley Quinn has in her underwear and wear Harley's costume to stay modest.

This comic is really getting good!

After a few more pages of what I think was the conclusion to the Barmy Bugger caper but might just have been a bunch of pages I masturbated to, Harley informs Wonder Woman that the London Legion have been taken captive and need to be rescued! So they totally didn't get in the way at all! They were completely useless throughout the entire fight! I wonder what they talked about while waiting to be rescued? No wait! I don't wonder that! I don't need to know that! It would be just like DC to believe that comic book fans were clamoring for a six issue mini-series about their time manacled to the wall of a dungeon.

The London Legion is rescued and everybody goes out to celebrate at the pub! I bet they have a few pints and skitter some chipwhiskers until they're conklin' on the shrub-tumpers!

At the pub, Harley eagerly ties herself up with Wonder Woman's lasso and asks everybody to ask her any question at all! Any question?! Oh boy! Or not oh boy since the scene cuts away before she can answer any kinky questions. But at least when they're done drinking and they're all on the way out of the pub, Harley gets a little tiny bit of Wonder Woman action.

Oi that hand!

Harley's Little Black Book #1 Rating: I enjoyed this comic book but I have some serious misgivings about it. It costs five dollars and also costs five dollars. At first I thought it was going to come out twice a month because DC loves inundating fans with tons and tons of Harley Quinn. But I can't see how a book this size and with a character already headlining her own title can feasibly be published that often. It would really help if the term "bimonthly" wasn't so fucking ambiguous! Can somebody get to work on fixing that bullshit? Also, about that clone thing! This series (along with Harley's regular title) obviously take place sometime after Harley finishes her contract with the Suicide Squad and is released from Belle Reve. That's why none of the superheroes she encounters try to arrest her for being a huge criminal. She's already served her time and as long as none of them look too closely at her cartoon violence that occasionally ends with corpses being thrown into shallow graves by Harley's employees, she's free to commit all of the chaos. So I think it works that Harley is currently in the Suicide Squad setting up these stories which take place at some future date. But don't get too wrapped up in what happens when. These are comic books and being too much of a stickler for continuity will only drive you mad.

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It'll be mostly weeklies, first issues, and special issues that have just come out. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: "Funniest stuff on comics right now." I think she meant "right now" as in over the last few years and continuing on into the future as opposed to just this second and now they're not funny anymore because something funnier came along. If you'd like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you're a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It's totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!