Harley Quinn #4

Normally a Harley Quinn comic on the top of the stack drives me away from the blog for about 24 hours. This time, I'm just going to power right through!

The Commentary!
What do you think Harley's nipples look like? I bet they're green. Her butthole too! If they are, it's probably less likely staining from the ACE Chemicals vat and more likely Poison Ivy's lipstick.

This issue is called "108 Million Ways to Die!" That's probably an exaggeration because even in the smallest legible font, I doubt they could list that many ways in twenty pages. Maybe if they hadn't wasted the first page with a James Bond style Harley pose in front of a Choose Your Own Adventure book cover. There might be clues to the upcoming story because it has buildings that look like swirly ice cream cones, Too Fast For Furious cars racing, and bullets flying out of Harley's vagina. There's also that famous crypt in India that people love to talk about seeing in person after they spent a lot of money to go see it in person.

The issue begins in New York with Harley making wiener comments and some guy adding a "That's what she said!" joke. I mean, it's not really a joke, is it? It's just something you say after anything because you're not witty enough to come up with any material of your own. I know a lot of people say it because it's a stupid thing to say and it's particularly more entertaining when said after something that makes no sense. I mean, my favorite response to everything is "You're an X!" where X is just some noun the other person used in the previous sentence which probably had nothing to do with me.

Harley meets some guy named Frank Frank who amazes her by saying the most obvious shit. Who the fuck is Frank Frank? Why did he make an appearance here? Stop writing your stupid friends into the comic book, Jimmy and Amanda!

When is the first way to die of 108 million going to take place? I'm getting bored!

Harley discovers she has a mission to shut down some scam phone callers in India. She takes Bolly Quinn with her on their adventure. Hopefully she likes showering with Harley Quinn as much as Poison Ivy does.

I never find out about Holly's love of shared showers because the changing scene happens off-panel. But that's the only reason I purchased this comic book? So I could see Harley Quinn in her underwear! I mean, the rest of the story wasn't worth the cover price at all! Harley kills some Russian thugs and stops the international phone scammers. Did Jimmy and Amanda write this story simply because they were sick of getting voice messages about how the IRS was about to sue their asses? Maybe they had a relative who was taken in by the scam! If that did happen to them, it wasn't interesting enough to make a comic book out of. If it didn't happen to them, why the fuck did they make an uninteresting comic book out of it? And just when I thought I was okay with Harley Quinn comics! I guess Frank Frank's declaration at the beginning that life is meaningless was a big hint that this comic book was also going to be meaningless.

The Ranking!
-1! I was so bored with this comic book that I kept saying out loud "That's what she said!" after reading every speech bubble.

Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.

Harley's Little Black Book #3

It would be funnier if the bunnies were beavers and cocks!

The Review!
Some times I read a comic book and I don't have anything to say about it and don't feel like spending any time trying to come up with something to say about it. This was one of those times. Anyway, y'all know what to expect from a Harley Quinn book. Zany antics. Mildly risqué jokes. At least one panel of Harley in her underwear. It's all here! Just like last time!

The Commentary!
Just so the record will show, I am at least one male who loves the Supergirl television show without any caveats or exceptions or covers to compensate for my masculinity. Supergirl is the kind of hero I expect all super heroes to be. She's compassionate, happy, and excited to use her powers to help make the world a better place. Although I do get disappointed every time she rips her shirt off at the beginning that she's wearing her costume underneath. See? I'm still a big hairy man with manly needs! Like wanting to see lacy bras and stuff! You know the stuff I mean! Like lacy boxer shorts! And maybe the stuff under those!

My biggest complaint about the show is that Kara doesn't have any female friends. Her sister doesn't count because that's family. And Cat obviously doesn't count because that's her boss. Kara's friends are just a bunch of guys. Or maybe just two guys and a martian. When she finally does get a woman in the office, Siobhan becomes her rival which is exactly the wrong direction to take. Hopefully the second season rectifies this bullshit and Kara makes a friend, preferably a peer (meaning super hero! Like Batwoman!). I suppose Siobhan can still make the switch and become Kara's friend next season. And hopefully she's not one of those competitive friends either! I want Kara to have a totally fun and carefree and meaningful female friend she can share everything with. Like kisses!

Damn male gaze! I just can't turn it off!

Too bad Supergirl wasn't guest starring in this comic book so that my introduction wouldn't be out of place.

Boy, Harley's Beaver and Mike Cock are a never ending source of jokes! Or the same joke!

Big Tony has booked Zatanna to play his burlesque show for three nights. I bet that means she's going to get into some crazy shenanigans with Harley Quinn! I hope they're sexy!

The London Legion of Superheroes are also currently staying in Harley's Wax Museum/Hotel/Apartment Building/Animal Sanctuary. And on top of all of that, some freak show ghosts move into the building!

Zatanna sleeps in her bra? This is the worst mistake DC ever made!

Zatanna and Harley join forces to get rid of the ghosts and a bunch of "funny" things happen and then the comic book is over!