Robin, Son of Batman #13

The Review!
Ray Fawkes finally convinces me that he's capable of writing Damian well. He may have done it an issue or two but I'm only now publicly acknowledging the fact. He had a lot of help from my crush on Maya. Without that, I might not have cared enough to finish reading this series. That's a lie. I would have finished reading this series whether I cared about it or not. Having horribly inappropriate feelings for an underaged fictional character just helped! The important word in that last sentence was "fictional". Now I'm wondering if Nabokov wrote Lolita so he could look at every man who ever read it and think, "You probably got aroused reading that, didn't you? You pervert!" It is a pretty awesome accomplishment to write something that should so horribly offend the social and cultural norms of the reader but still allows them to get all hot and heavy about the sexy bits. They're just as disgusting as the protagonist of the novel! Whose name I can't remember because his name wasn't used as the title! I would also like to say that I totally didn't find any bits of Lolita sexy. Maybe my penis did. But my mind was all, "Ew! Who would want a relationship with a young girl?! I can't even imagine having a relationship with somebody in their twenties at this point in my life! And I'm not even sure I could deal with somebody in their thirties! To me, they're all just unwashed twelve-year olds playing Dungeons and Dragons around their parents' kitchen table! No matter how hot they might look!" Also, A+ or 8 out of 10 or 77% or whatever rating you want to choose for this issue. What do you care if I liked it?! Formulate your own opinions!

The Commentary!
Damian has decided that to truly atone for his wickedness and bad behavior, he's going to rehabilitate Naimad! Err, Suren! Suren is currently the physical manifestation of Damian's bad attitude. Maya probably totally thinks he's hot. Except she's way older than him, by like two years or something. That might not seem like a lot but it's vast when you're eleven and thirteen. Or ten and twelve. Or thirteen and fifteen (although maybe not so much there). I really don't know how old any of these kids are!

Maya is super cute so if I write anything disgusting involving her and my seedy desires, just remember that it isn't my old, perverse man desires talking! It's the naive, innocent longing that still lives in my head which allows me to remember being that age! Boy, the things I would do to Maya if I were her age again! I'd sit and stare at her creepily! I'd avoid eye contact! I'd develop several different spontaneous speech impediments if I were somehow forced into a situation where we had to speak! I'd write down the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" on a sheet of paper and think about giving it to her! After I was through with Maya, she'd never even know I existed!

Oh Maya! You're so dreamy!

Sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to know if I wanted to be with a girl (in an innocent, I have no idea what to do around a girl but my heart is dying kind of way) or if I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power to allure boys like me! For some reason, I associated that power to capture hearts as only one that girls had. But I'm sure there were just as many girls my age (probably more!) wishing they could also be the cute girl I was pining for. So it wasn't so much being a girl as being a cute girl! And that thought just made my mind think of doing a parody Robert Frost poem that I probably shouldn't type but will anyway.

Bitches By Grunion Frost

When I see hot bitches bend to left and right,
Across the lines of taller, uglier girls,
I like to think some boy's been doing it to them.
But doing it to them doesn't bend them down to stay
As text-books do. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with books a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They clique upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored
As the stares watch the wind lift their hemlines.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed fuzzy sweaters
Plopping and tumbling on the snowy bench--
Such heaps of frilly warmth abandoned
You'd think a passing Gap truck lost its merch.
They are dragged from class to class by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bored
So bad for so long, they never write themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the mall
Years afterwards, trailing their jackets on the ground
Like birches bent over by ice from an ice-storm, their limbs
Before them on the ground, leaves darkening in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the text-books
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to "fetch the cows"--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only porn was porn he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could jerk alone.
One by one he subdued his school's 'B's
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not propositioning too soon
And so not driving the girl away
Clear to her home. He always kept his poise
With the hot bitches, escalating carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he swung forward, lips first, with a swish,
Groping his way down through the clothes to the mound.
So was I once myself a doer of bitches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a loveless bang
Where your face burns and tickles with MDMA
Racing across it, and one eye is weeping (if you get my meaning)
From a "twig's" having jacked it off across the room.
I'd like to get away from maleness awhile
And then come back to it after being a hot bitch.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
To return me an ugly girl. Hot bitches are right for love:
I don't know who it's like to go better with.
I'd like to go by climbing a bitch
And climb black limbs up a chocolate trunk
Toward heaven, till the girl could bear no more,
But doffed her top and got me off again.
That would be good both going and coming and coming and coming.
One could do worse than be a doer of bitches.

Just remember as you judge me that that was a playful parody of a poem I love very much! It never even occurred to me to turn "Birches" into "Bitches" or how it might be manipulated to, um, sort of work. Kind of. Not really but remember, it was playful! The only reason it sprang to mind was the line about some fate half granting the wish to leave and come back to Earth when I said I sometimes fantasized about being a girl but, of course, realized what I wanted was to be an adorable girl. I mean, who doesn't?! Anyway, you either forgive me for that playful bent or you don't. Either way, let's get back to Robin, Son of Batman!

While eating dessert, the kids are attacked by some Lu'un Darga Ninjas. They're a little bit angry that Suren fucked up the world ending ritual because they had already told all of the people they owe money to fuck off. Now imagine how embarrassed they are to have to deal with those people again, seeing as how the world didn't end! I'd be mad too.

The Ninjas drop down dead, killed by some energy draining power from one of Suren's still living relatives. He or she probably should have coordinated the attack with the ninjas so that the ninjas weren't accidentally killed. Maya is able to trace the energy drain to beneath the crater in Tunguska, Russia.

Even in the face of unspeakable evil, they're adorable!

Deep under Tunguska, Damian, Maya, Goliath, and Suren encounter Suren's father, Den Darga! That probably means this story is almost over! Suren is about to come to term with his Daddy Issues! That's always the ultimate story in any DC character's character arc. I think Marvel must deal with the Mommy Issues. Is that why DC begins with a "D" and Marvel begins with an "M"? Did I just crack the comic book equivalent of the Da Vinci Code?!

Den Darga is surprised to see his son alive while the world yet lives. But I'm glad they had this encounter so I can point out another great moment in Grandmaster Comic Book Readerdom!

As I said in the commentary on Issue #12: "His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn’t love him now, the little failure!"

Robin's great big plan to stop Den Darga is one of his dad's favorite plans: play the martyr! That always gets the girl! So Damian destroys Den Darga's Apocalyptic Battery of Souls but, in so doing, collapses from the strain. He's probably dead, right? Totally dead. It's not like Gotham and Gotham Girl could be bothered to save a fricking Robin.

Damian is only mostly dead and his spirit is able to reenter his body through the encouragement of his friends and the obliteration of Daddy Issues. I would scan the page where Robin cries (not letting his friends see his joy in being loved so well) but there's a really cute picture of Maya's butt on that page and I fear I might get creepy talking about it. I think it's okay to talk about it in this paragraph where you can't actually look at it. Also she's a fictional character and I'm going to believe she's thirty-eight years old. And you know what they say about thirty-eight year olds and their butts! Yeah, you know what. I don't either. I think maybe nobody says anything about that.

So, you know, that's it! The end! The kids win! Suren has defeated his father just like every child must if they're going to become an adult. I think that's why I'm still not much of an adult. I should probably get on solving all of those Daddy Issues and/or destroying my father.

I wanted to end with this picture saying, "So cute!" But the cynical, disgusting part of my brain keeps screaming, "Suren has a boner!"

Robin, Son of Batman #12

You know, it's been quite awhile since a hero was swallowed whole to explode out of the stomach of their attacker!

The Review!
Damian and his reflection battle with the entire world up for grabs. In the process, Damian learns that he's already learned everything that needs to be learned about family. He knows parents argue, pets are better than people, and cute girls in tattered dresses are the best kind of friends to have. He also remembers that he was once a terror, so maybe if he can take his evil reflection under his wing, he'll be able to teach him to not need his parents' approval too. Damian seems to have found a place where he can accept the relationship he has with his mother and father, and accept that they'll continue to argue and beat the shit out of each other on a fairly regular basis, and that none of that has anything to do with him or how much he loves each of them. He also realizes he can keep them both at arm's length because they're so annoying and he will probably go off on his own to form a team of kid superheroes.

The Commentary!
Last issue, everybody was headed to Dinosaur Island. That's the island that has dinosaurs where Superboy and Wonder Girl engaged in some really awkward flirting. Unless I mean disgusting when I say awkward. If you don't remember it, let me remind you in an inexact but probably close to the truth reenactment.

Superboy: (punching Wonder Girl in the face) "You're so cute!"
Wonder Girl: (kicking Superboy in the balls) "I hate you but I'm so wet!"
Superboy: (choking Wonder Girl) "If I didn't dislike you so much I would totally do it with you!"
Wonder Girl: (knocking out Superboy's teeth) "I would never do you in a million years even though I totally want to because you're so hot!"
Superboy: (orgasming in his pants) "I'm tired of fighting now, you whore!"
Wonder Girl: (not quite reaching orgasm) "You're such a typical guy, you bastard!"

Now that's how you force a romantic subplot into existence!

I don't think there will be a romantic subplot this time around on Dinosaur Island. Damian and Maya should just remain friends and Batman and Talia will totally remain enemies. So unless Titus has hitched a ride and winds up humping somebody's leg, this is probably going to be a violence only issue. Darn! I always like sex and violence together! That's a better match than chocolate and peanut butter.

Naimad and Maya arrive on Dinosaur Island first. But that was six hours ago and they're early because the ritual to end the world doesn't begin until midnight. That gives Damian and his family plenty of time to get to the island and the "NOW" narration box.

See? Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Maya has been turned into a booty trap. I know it's booby trap but she doesn't have any boobies yet. Batman remains behind to disarm her while Damian and Talia rush off to stop Naimad from doing whatever he has to do to end the world.

The ritual takes place at the bottom of a volcano. That's because there's some kind of Lazarus Well inside the volcano that reaches to the center of the Earth and keeps the dinosaurs on dinosaur island from dying. But apparently if you throw a goofy eyeball into it, it will erupt and destroy all life on Earth. Who built that feature into the Lazarus Well? That just sounds like trouble. And now it is because Damian fails to stop the ritual. Hopefully there's a second part of the ritual that can still be stopped or else this disaster might be the reason the DC You needed a Rebirth.

There doesn't seem to be any more to the ritual but there's still enough time left for Naimad to stop it if Damian can convince him that his father doesn't love him because he waited so long to bring Naimad back from the dead. Although how would Naimad know how much time had passed since he died? Wouldn't it just seem like he woke up from a short nap?

It's probably a good thing he didn't add "My father resurrected me almost immediately!"

Naimad has no confidence in his plan and is easily talked out of it at the last minute by Damian. His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn't love him now, the little failure! After Naimad believes he's made a friend in Damian, Damian punches him in the face and knocks him out. I don't know if the rational side was from his dad or the punching side was! Maybe both parts were a little bit Talia and a little bit Bruce.

Speaking of Bruce and Talia, they have a nice bitter ex argument after the day is saved which drives Damian into the arms of a monster. Oh, and Goliath too!

Talia plans to keep Naimad for her own nefarious al Ghul purposes but Damian has other plans. Those plans are breaking him free and teaching him to be his sidekick. Those plans will also take place in the final issue next month.

Robin, Son of Batman #11

Why is Robin's doublet covered in semen?

The Review!
Tom Napolitano just nails the lettering in this issue. Every "A" looks like an "A"! And his "C"s look totally like "C"s! Not once did he make an "L" and an "I" run together so that they look like a "U"! He did his job so well that not once did I think that somebody was responsible for the lettering! His word balloon placements were par excellence! At one point, he even managed to use lowercase letters! I fucking thought that was impossible in a DC Comic! My mind was fucking blown! If you're into lettering as much as I am not, you will love his use of letters. They're just all over the place! It made me think, "You know? Without letters, how would the story be told?! What an important job Tom has!" Then I realized there's probably a sexual fetish where people become aroused when they see certain letters and I began to wonder if Tom would work in the porn industry. Then I searched the NSFW tag on Tumblr. Then I had a nap. This was an entertaining issue well lettered! Kudos, Tom!

The Commentary!
I'm angry that I have the John Romita Jr. cover for this issue because the regular cover has a gorilla and a pun on it and that pun is not "Gorilla Warfare"! It's "Gorilla in the Midst". Ha ha! So good. Although it also brings to mind the death of Dian Fossey so maybe it isn't the funniest pun. Perhaps DC should have just gone with Gorilla Warfare.

Last issue ended with Damian off to Gorilla City. Is Gorilla City still something fans find exciting? That seems like something that should have been left to the Silver Age when kids were still fascinated by talking Gorillas. Now that science has taught at least one of them to use sign language, the world has discovered how boring and kitten obsessed they are. They're just like us! How about if Gorilla City were invaded and destroyed by a bunch of Magic the Gathering playing nerds who masturbate to their Chandra Nalaar cards? Now that would be a scary and mysterious city. It would also be full of boring arguments about rules by people who think they're consistently logical but are almost always simply interpreting rules to favor their style of gameplay. God how I don't miss playing Magic the Gathering with strangers. Especially the assholes who would play all of their cards super fast so that if they played a card you weren't familiar with, they might be able to get past your hand full of counterspells. I suppose that's my fault for never finding the time to memorize every fucking card and what that fucking card does. Fucking Feldon's Cane. Piece of shit asshole should have lost if I'd known what that card did but the fucker was already shuffling his graveyard into his hand and by then I didn't want to have to punch him in the face in the argument that would ensue if I declared I countered it. Dick.

You know what? I'm going to say it! All Magic the Gathering players are dicks. They're fucking piece of shit monsters who should not be allowed out in public! Win at all costs nerds are my bane! No, they're my Bane! They may not have broken my back but they definitely broke my spirit. I'm a white male and they drove me away from their tournaments and their collector's shops backroom gaming tables! Christ they're assholes.

I suppose I could chalk up most of my bad experiences playing Magic to my own ignorance. Like when a player cast Winter Blast, a sorcery, as an instant to tap and kill my flying creatures that were about to attack on my turn to win the game. I only had one card left in my deck at that point so I was sure to lose. Except my final card was Ball Lightning which was able to attack the same turn it was summoned and trampled all over his cheating fucking ass! Once again though, I should have memorized every fucking card and I wouldn't have been manipulated like that! This was back when The Dark had just come out, so there weren't nearly as many cards to memorize. But this was also in the early days of the internet so even finding out about all the Legends and Antiquities and Arabian Nights cards that were out there was a bit of a chore. Which explains why I'm being so sarcastic about having to memorize every card, and yet not being sarcastic in that it's the only way to make sure your fucking asshole opponent doesn't take advantage of you.

I shouldn't act as if Magic the Gathering and its players are the problem. The problem is playing against strangers. Also the problem is assholes. Also the problem is asshole strangers who love to play Magic the Gathering.

I know, I know. I know what you're all thinking: #notallMagicplayers. But in this case, yes, yes indeed. All Magic players. Every last one of the stinking twats. And probably all the Yu-Gi-Oh players too!

That gorilla really hates it when somebody touches his weapon!

Robin has gone to Gorilla City to stop the Lu'un Darga from destroying the world. But he's trying to stop them from doing exactly what he was doing during the Year of Retribution. I'm not sure if Ray Fawkes completely understood the story he was taking over.

But isn't that exactly what you were doing during your Year of Retribution? Undoing your Year of Blood work? And, I might add, helping the Lu'un Darga while doing it! I guess once Damian's brothers were killed, he realized undoing the Year of Blood was ultimately a bad thing?

Also in the raid on Gorilla City? Talia and Nobody's Daughter!

Worst human in the world? Talia plays Magic?!

Damian, son of Batman and Talia al Ghul, discovers that his enemy is Bad Son, Son of Lu'un Darga and Mrs. Lu'un Darga. I wonder if the Bad Son's real name is Naimad! It would help make the point so ridiculously unsubtle that it ceases to be annoying for how unsubtle the whole "Damian versus a version of himself he could have become" plot is. I suppose Batman has had about five gamillion of these types of stories, so Damian needs a few too.

I don't know if this scene is supposed to show that Naimad is less witty than a high-schooler who thinks constantly quoting Oscar Wilde is the height of wit, or it's merely Ray Fawkes who has been exposed.

I already forgot that Naimad had mentioned his name was Suren earlier. I'll probably just keep referring to him as Naimad.

As Damian bickers with his new little playmate, Bruce arrives to send somebody into a timeout. A Bat-timeout!

I think Damian's dialogue should read "Faaaaaaaatheeeeeeer...!"

I suppose since this is the first time Damian has seen his dad since he became Batman again, he's toning down the whining and just trying to be happy to see him. Although Batman is still interrupting Damian's big day.

Naimad completes his task which means his family will soon be resurrected and the world will end. He disappears but not before Maya can hop on his back and go with him. Damian witnesses his mother and father getting along (a bit) and has sitcom dreams of his parents getting back together. As if Alfred would allow Talia to live under his roof.

Naimad has one last Year of Blood item to replace before Damian's Year of Retribution can be complete. Although by completing it, the world will end, so Damian needs to kind of stop it from happening. Even though he did most of the work himself. The last item to be replaced is something from Dinosaur Island!

Gorilla City? Dinosaur Island? Ray Fawkes does know he's writing modern comic books, right?

Robin, Son of Batman #10

Having wings that are an extra set of limbs is just weird. It's insectile!

Rating: Unchanged at 8 of 51 DC Comics. That means it's a decent way to spend a few minutes of your finite life. You know, if you're not busy doing something important like curing cancer or perfecting a Super Mario Speed Run.

• Does Batman disapprove of bullet points? Does he call them Bat-Dots? He probably shapes them like little bats, doesn't he?

• Robin has been trying to prove that he's not a disappointment. You know the kinds of people who worry about being disappointments? People with demanding father figures! I may or may not be a disappointment. Don't know. Don't care!

• The Robin of the title is Damian Wayne (just to clarify in case a Marvel Comics fan wandered in to this blog on accident. Although why the fuck am I clarifying that when, if they didn't know it, they're only going to have a boatload of butts more questions about it! Like "Who the fuck is Damian Wayne?" And "People actually like the Robin character?" And "What is the phone number I call to get this kid killed?"). Some people like Damian Wayne and other people don't like Damian Wayne. There are tons of other options but why should I list them all?

• Don't you hate when people say they're the kind of person that people either love or hate? They're so right! I hate them all.

• Robin has a new little friend named Maya. I think. Her non-secret identity is Nobody. She's a little cutie pat-her-booty. Is that how the saying goes? I'm also just going to assume that she's of the appropriate age to think of as a sexual being, depending, logically, what country she's in. I'm also reminding myself that she's fictional so she actually is an object and I don't have to worry about treating her like a real person. In other words, Nobody is a sex object. Powerful!

• Damian has returned to Gotham to hang out with his pets while the Son of Lu'un Darga has been resurrected by Damian's efforts to fix the things he broke during the Year of Blood. This is a common theme in comic books. The villain always has to be some kind of twisted reflection of the hero. Although, as of yet, I'm not sure which son is the hero in this story.

• I'm fairly certain Machiavelli came up with this quote while playing chess with a seven year old.

• People who are oft quoted aren't necessarily the geniuses the people quoting them think they are. They're just people who have been so oft quoted that other people think they should read the things those people wrote and then quote them to seem intelligent. If I were quoted more often, I'd totally be quoted more often! Somebody should quote me on that.

• The title of this issue is "Son is Rising." This marks the 18,000th time that that pun has been used as a title in a comic book. Probably. I'll fact check that later.

• Why did co-creator of Batman Bill Finger go by the name Bill? Do you think he introduced himself to single ladies as "Will Finger"?

• I sometimes wish I were female simply so I could wear this exact outfit. I would probably spontaneously orgasm from feeling so sexy. I mean, I suppose this outfit is just a sheet with a rope cinching the waist. I might be assuming that women feel sexy all of the time no matter what they're wearing because I've relegated them to being sex objects. I mean, the fictional ones, of course! Ha ha.

• I watched last night's Walking Dead today. There was a scene where Rosita is pulling up her pants and it shows her bare belly and upper pubic area. The scene begins with that shot and the viewer doesn't know it's Rosita. My first thought was "That's a really sexy shot of Carl putting on his jeans." Seriously. I thought it was Carl.

• Some people might not think I'm a feminist because I still joke about treating women like sex objects. On the other hand, I'm reading comic books which are 85% treating women as sex objects. So you just have to laugh about it! Remember that shot in Deathstroke of Rose's dead female friend? Remember how sexual it was? That's pretty much comic books. Even when they're corpses, women need to look fuckable.

• Damian has taken a trip to Bald Headed Mexican, Mexico. That's a reference to Leave it to Beaver.

• In the earlier seasons, Leave it to Beaver had more continuity problems than DC's New 52.

• Oh! I was supposed to be writing a bullet point about Robin in Mexico. He's gone there to save the world! Meanwhile, Maya's beach in Bronisia is being attacked by Jet-Skiing Ninjas.

• I guess Robin would have been upset if somebody else returned the thing he stole during the Year of Blood. It's his Year of Redemption! Not some artifact stealing thief's!

• Robin didn't know the kind of chaos he was causing by returning the items he stole during the Year of Blood. But now he seems to know that returning certain items will cause all kinds of chaos. Well, one specific kind of chaos which is the end of the world.

• Talia is the leader of the ninjas attacking Maya. Is it weird that I want Talia and Maya to kiss? I hope the next DC movie is Talia vs Maya. Then I know it's okay to want them to kiss because that's all I see people hoping for in Batman vs Superman.

• Talia's yacht is called the Hunky Dory. I don't think she has the sense of humor to own a yacht like that. There's a reason she fell in love with that sourpuss Batman.

• Talia, like Damian, is trying to stop the three artifacts stolen from Damian's vault from being returned to their rightful, world-ending places.

• Damian's thematic doppelganger (and quite possibly his literal doppelganger!) is headed to the next location: Gorilla City! Oh man! I hope next issue is called "Gorilla Warfare"!