Convergence: Justice League #1

How many vile jellies do you think Mera's crown has put out?

Sorry for getting all high and mighty in my cover caption with the Shakespeare reference but it's the only line of Shakespeare that I can quote! "Out vile jelly!" Man, makes me laugh every time! King Lear was his best comedy. Daughter named after an STD, a comedian that pisses everybody off with his jokes, eyes getting gouged out and ground under foot, an old man ranting about blow jobs. Hilarious!

I finally decided to pull myself away from watching Daredevil so I wouldn't completely disappoint myself by having no more Daredevil to watch. Pretty fucking good show, right? I'll always appreciate Arrow for getting this new wave of doing super hero television shows right but boy does it suck lately. Daredevil is pretty much The Wire to Arrow's Saved by the Bell. The Flash is still the best though simply because it has actual super-powered super heroes in it. Although if Iris West is going to start pulling that "I hate you forever because you didn't tell me the truth" Arrow crap, I'm going to punch her in the throat. In my imagination, of course! I would never actually hit a woman. I only fantasize about hitting women! That's not sexist or misogynistic or violent! It's a kink! And you can't shame me for my kinks, you jerk!

Anyway, look at all the women I could punch in the throat on the cover of Convergence: Justice League! Mmmm.

The fight card for this issue on the inside front cover is the same as every other inside front cover. That's making me suspect that every issue of Convergence that came out the first week is going to highlight that battle. Because why would the Justice League be living in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? It makes no sense unless they were visiting Batman when the city was taken. Next on my stack is Nightwing/Oracle which will definitely take place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Then Speed Force which, seriously, had better take place somewhere else like Coast City or Star City or something more appropriate! And then Superman so Metropolis of some sort, right? Then the Titans so that'll be New York! And then The Question which will be I have no idea! And finally The Atom which probably takes place in Batman's scrotum. Or Giganta's vagina.

The issue begins with Supergirl flying Jesse Quick to a hospital to have her baby. So forget that thing I said about the Speed Force not taking place here. I guess everybody just happened to be in fucking Gotham when the city was taken!

I guess everybody will have an excuse to be in Gotham. What was I thinking? Of course DC isn't going to waste extra money printing up different fight cards for the inside covers of every comic each week!

Seeing Jade reminds me that I still have the final issue of She-hulk to read! I'm falling so far behind on my non-commentary comic book reading!

While the ladies are at the hospital hoping for a speedy birth (ha ha!), Gotham City is transported to Telos! And under the dome, everybody loses their super powers. Is magic a super power? I'm willing to bet just about everything is a super power except Batarangs.

Jesse gives birth to a boy, Jade loses her green coloring, and then the story jumps ahead one year later.

Kara is now into violent pornography. Look at the size of that guy's wallet chain? Rowr!

Frank Tieri is writing this and he is not a good writer. He probably wants to prove his feminist loyalties so he's sticking in this scene to prove his feminist cred. I'm going to guess that this guy touched Kara while trying to hit on her and now she's teaching him an appropriate lesson. He'll know better next time he approaches a woman that the way she dresses doesn't mean he can put his hand directly into her vagina! I mean, if he can even remember this encounter after the severe concussion and possible skull fracture he's in the process of attaining.

See? Bad man! Inappropriate! Now die!

Don't get me wrong! I'm all for a woman kicking a guy's ass for grabbing hers. If a man is physically assaulted, he's probably going to react violently. Grabbing a woman's ass is a physical assault no matter how super amazing Supergirl's bum is. I'm not criticizing Supergirl's super violent reaction. I'm just not trusting Tieri's motive for writing this scene. It feels like he's assaulting me with his need to get some of his comic book panels trending on Tumblr!

Let's look at the rest of the scene and you tell me if Tieri should be writing these women.

Tieri is forcing me to hate half of these women and I'm only on page seven!

The bouncer is doing everything possible to ensure his establishment remains a safe place for the guests and Zatanna thinks she needs to threaten him? He's been nothing but accommodating and helpful in this scene and she's being a jerk. Then I suppose this is supposed to be friendly banter but it just sounds like they don't really like each other very much. At least they share a good laugh over the fact that Congorilla has to deal with Jess's baby's dirty diapers while he babysits so she can enjoy a night out with...um...friends, I guess?

I think the whole scene is ruined for me because Zatanna just looks sad or upset in every panel. Have you tried smiling, Zatanna?

Ow! Ow! OW! I'M SORRY, KARA! I WAS JUST JOKING!

At least the women express that they're having a good time unwinding on ladies' night. At least everybody except Mera. She looks even sadder than Zatanna! It's because Aquaman didn't happen to be in Gotham City when the city was taken. Which means he's dead. Ha ha!

"I told you you're going to have a good time and you're going to have a good time goddammit! Look at how much fun I'm having! Whee dee fucking dee!"

Look at how angry Zee looks in that middle panel on the right side of the page! It would be one thing if she were being drawn to match the tone of her joking and trying to cheer up a friend. But this feels like she's just chastising her for being fucking sad!

Did Gotham City not arrive on Telos with clothing stores? Why is Mera still wearing her Atlantean armor for a night out? Sure, it makes her ass look fantastic but it seems like an awkward choice. Also, does an Atlantean's strength count as a super power? I would think that she's still super strong since it's just part of her physiology.

Zatanna is interrupted by Planet Brainiac explaining the rules of Multiversal Thunderdome. Let's get ready to...no? I can't finish that without paying royalties? Sorry.

Meanwhile on the other side of the other Gotham, Flashpoint Aquaman watches Planet Brainiac explain the rules. Guess who's probably going to have to fight whom?! Let the fuckfight commence!

Mera is kidnapped by Arthur's people but Jade spots them even though Jess looked "everywhere." I bet she really just ran home to check on her baby, have a quickie with Congorilla, and return to shrug her shoulders and admit that Mera is probably dead.

The Atlantean spots a bunch of women in their clubbing outfits headed toward him so he does the only rational thing to do in that situation: blow his fucking conch shell to summon the mighty Kraken! Supergirl punches it and it flies out somewhere in the wastes of Telos. I hope it lands on another battle taking place in a future Convergence comic book. Frank Tieri is writing more than just this book. Hopefully he'll act like a real writer and land this Kraken in one of his other books since this is all happening simultaneously.

Meanwhile in Aquaman's throne room, Aquaman is all, "Hey! You look just like my old wife. We're practically married!" Then he kisses her and Mera punches him in the face because it was hard enough falling for one loser named Aquaman. You really think she's going to accept an even shittier version?

I'm not even going to bother wondering how Aquaman was in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham Harbor ready to attack the city because I'm sure I must be reading this incorrectly and it actually makes sense.

The final page shows all the crazy sea life and mermen that Aquaman is summoning with his powers. And it ends with this blurb: "Lionfish, Tiger Sharks, and Aquamen--oh my! There're plenty of fish in the sea--and next, our girls are practically fighting all of 'em! Join us as the JLA take on Aquaman and his seemingly limitless Aqua-army!"

What the fuck was that bullshit? First the rehashing of The Wizard of Oz quote which is practically the most boring thing that one could say whilst playing Monopoly. But then the whole patronizing "our girls" thing and comparing their fight to finding a boyfriend with the whole "plenty of fish in the sea" thing? Not to mention why the fuck did he even end the issue with this stupid blurb?! Maybe that's the way Pre-Flashpoint comic books always ended! By the way, when does Pre-Pre-Flashpoint begin? What's the event that begins the Pre-Flashpoint DC Universe? Do we go all the way back to Zero Hour for that?

Convergence: Justice League #1 Rating: I like the roster of this team but I can't say I like the way they've been handled. But I'm probably wrong. What the fuck do I know? I'm probably just looking for reasons to complain because Frank Tieri did long term damage to my psyche with his issues of Savage Hawkman and Grifter. Does anybody know how to purposefully repress memories?

Convergence: Harley Quinn #1

My pants are tremendously excited for this comic book!

Big surprise revelation coming: this issue, which has criminals known for making Gotham their home on the cover, takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! I can't wait until I read a comic book with a different match-up than this. The home field advantage goes to the biggest world listed on the fight card (in this case, Pre-Flashpoint Gotham) which means the reader should probably be rooting for that world to win. I guess you can root for Captain Carrot or The Extremists but you're going to be disappointed when your team loses. I bet the other cities with home field advantage who we're supposed to be rooting for are all from the Pre-Flashpoint Universe. We'll probably have Pre-Flashpoint Central City and Pre-Flashpoint Metropolis and Pre-Flashpoint Star City and Pre-Flashpoint Coast City and Pre-Flashpoint Keystone City which might be the same thing as Pre-Flashpoint Central City. I might not be as good a detective as The Jeezly Crow Batman but I have a feeling the Pre-Flashpoint Universe is going to get a second chance alongside The New 52 universe. It's possible by the end of this, seven timelines will actually get a chance to exist and they'll replace the seven question mark universes in the Multiverse Guidebook. Although if that happens, I don't know where the Monitors are going to keep their porn.

So I guess this guy in Pre-Flashpoint Britain sent the skull to his exhibition and then the world ended but Pre-Flashpoint Gotham was whisked away to Telos where, with everything in chaos, the museum still decided to hold the art show. For morale, probably!

It's also possible this is the moment of transference. It makes sense since there's an awful lot of that funny colored portal smoke wafting about the battle. There's also a cop or two that, just like always, forgets that guns are long range weapons. They shoot one of Harley's henchmen from a distance but when it comes to drawing down on Harley, the police officer does it close enough so that she kicks him in the stomach and he drops his gun. Then the next cop gets close enough to be beat down by her mallet. And then everybody begins staring at the sky and the newly formed dome that just appeared overhead.

So Harley had super strength?

The dome negates super powers so Harley Quinn must have some super power that I never knew about. I don't think she had super strength so I guess she had some kind of Cartoon Physics Field surrounding her. That's why she can kill people in crazy, whimsical ways that seem cute rather than violent.

This issue is called "Down the Rabbit Hole" because Gotham has a weird obsession with Alice in Wonderland. I wonder how many stories that have taken place in Gotham have been called "Down the Rabbit Hole"? I bet like 25% of them.

After this opening, the story flashes forward to Harleen without any face paint and in regular, non-harlequin clothes. She seems upbeat and happy about living under the dome. While some people see it as a prison, she views it as a safe haven and proof that something greater is looking out for the people of Gotham. She's right! I'm glad at least one panda in the zoo sees it for the good it's accomplishing!

Is Vicki Vale still publishing new news stories? "LIFE UNDER DOME BORING AS HELL" "BATMAN CAUGHT IN INFLATABLE JOKER SCANDAL" "LOIS LANE STILL DEAD"

Harley is currently living with the police officer she nearly killed the day the dome arrived. She's also run out of medication so she's starting to hear The Joker again. But Louie the Cop fucks her and she forgets all about it.

Meanwhile, some common thugs are trying to steal Poison Ivy's garden. What is it with her garden? Everybody wants a piece of it. One of the thugs mentions that she no longer has her powers so she's just another common crook. But she still has her botanical know-how! So she can still create all of her special concoctions that blew minds and hypnotized people with kisses and poisoned them with a touch. It just takes a little more work than secreting that shit out of her skin, right?

I guess Pamela is less interested in mixing chemicals than just growing plants because, once again, she needs rescuing. This time Catwoman saves her garden. During the fight, Planet Brainiac gets on the loudspeaker and informs Gotham that they need some champions to fight for their city. So that means Pamela's garden was attacked by The Penguin during the day and then later that night by these thugs, if I've got my timeline straight. Harley mentions earlier that there are always strawberries available so why is everybody after Pamela's garden? I'm beginning to think that's just a creepy euphemism and everybody is still being affected by Poison Ivy's pheromones.

Planet Brainiac informs the populace that one of the main match-ups is Harley Quinn versus Captain Carrot! Cartoon physics versus cartoon physics! This outta be good! Too bad Catwoman and Poison Ivy don't exactly have much faith in their girl.

Batman and Robin wear capes and they don't fucking fly! I think wearing a cape just indicates a hero's penchant for feeling fancy. Also, I'm fairly certain Nightwing can do a perfect Harley imitation.

Catwoman and Poison Ivy pay Harley a visit to make sure she's completely insane again so that she can beat Captain Carrot at his own game. Although the rabbit almost always beats the hunter so they need to come up with a better plan than the usual cartoon plan that just winds up with the non-bunny shooting themselves in the face.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #1 Rating: Who's the asshole at DC Comics that thought this match-up would be awesome, hunh?! I get the joke! Hell, I mentioned it when I speculated on Harley maybe having cartoon physics powers that she lost because of the dome. But now who am I supposed to root for?! I can't root against Captain Carrot! Although we all know Captain Carrot never really had a chance to beat everybody else in Multiversal Thunderdome. And anyway, a fairly normal version of him already exists in The New 52. So who needs the old one anyway? I guess anybody who can't get enough puns in their lives.

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1

Oh boy! Ron Marz writing! I have not been kind to Ron Marz in the past.

This will be my first Convergence issue that isn't the weekly mini-series so I'll find out how it's going to work here. Besides the whole Multiversal Thunderdome plot, I don't really know how these stories are supposed to work. Is Red Hood from DC Comics in 2007 going to wander over and bump into 1990 Tim Drake Robin while 1987 Batman watches creepily? The only thing I know for sure is that a whole lot of writers whose writing I have described in many horrible ways have come back to be a part of the fun. Marz. Nicieza. Wolfman. Tieri. Lobdell. Maybe this whole Convergence thing isn't just a competition to see which characters get to come back into the DC Universe but also a second chance for crappy writers. I wish Liefeld wasn't so butthurt by DC Comics because I'd love to comment on more of his books. He's terrible! And I'm talking about his writing!

I notice Howard Mackie's name isn't on any of the Convergence titles. I guess DC Comics actually has some standards when it comes to hiring writers.

Now I feel bad for saying that about Howard Mackie. No, wait! Inspecting my feelings a little closer and I feel bad for Howard Mackie because he's such a crappy writer.

The inside cover of the issue has the fight card on it.

The sure bet for overall winner is the Pre-Flashpoint Universe so look for Batman (Bruce Wayne version with underwear) to beat ass on Batman (Thomas Wayne version). Unless this story takes place after Batman read his dad's letter and then maybe look for tears and hugs.

I don't know anything about El Inferno. But I am looking forward to the Extremists murdering every single member of the Amazing Zoo Crew. Of course, they'll just spring back to life due to cartoon physics and then pelt the Extremists with pies and carrots.

The issue begins with Mr. Freeze stomping on Poison Ivy's berries. I guess it's Arkham's annual field trip to the farm since alongside Mr. Freeze are Black Mask, Killer Croc, Man-Bat, and The Penguin. The Penguin wants to control the food production here in Gotham's new home on Telos. But he must have Space Madness because instead of working with a bunch of his usual thugs, Oswald thinks it's a good idea to use the Arkham crew as his gang. If there's one criminal in Gotham I would think was smart enough to avoid working with these guys, it's The Penguin. But what can you do? It's a new world! But then Oswald makes another mistake by having Man-Bat fly Poison Ivy out of her garden. How do you think the food is being produced out here, you idiot? Good luck getting anything to grow without Poison Ivy around. Besides, isn't Planet Brainiac supposed to be providing everybody with everything they need? It seems like a lot of work and hassle to make a bunch of useless money, Penguin.

But then Batman and Robin appear to save Poison Ivy's farm! Hooray!

Batman's flying vehicle was an ugly piece of shit back before Flashpoint!

Wow! I forgot how much better Pre-Flashpoint Batman and Robin were! This is so different! See how Damian Wayne has a big stick and he's mouthing off to his father?! You can just feel the sense of history tied to these characters after being told which version they are! How could DC Comics have thrown this magic away for The New 52!? And by "magic," I mean Batman's outside underwear.

"Or is that a batarang in your pocket?"

Mister Freeze gives up immediately because he's got my attitude if Portland were ever transported to a mystery planet and trapped beneath a dome. Who fucking cares about anything anymore after that? Time to just get drunk and read shit until I died.

Damian's really improved his one-liners while battling villains. When he sees Black Mask, Damian is all, "Why did they invite you?", which is a major burn. Good one! Then he follows that up with "Trick-or-treating?" Ha! See, because Black Mask wears a mask! Okay fine. Those were terrible lines and it proves that Damian is as enthusiastic about this bullshit existence as Mister Freeze is. Maybe Damian will regain his love of battling super villains once he realizes he's battling for his timeline's survival. Or maybe he just can't help sounding like an unimaginative clod because he's being written by Ron Marz.

Red Hood arrives to help subdue Killer Croc while Batman and Robin decide to ignore the fact that he's wearing a Red Hood not just to rub his death in Batman's face every time he sees him but to probably obscure his identity as well. So they're all, "Jason? Jason Todd?" And he's all, "Yup! That's me! The Red Hood!" Meanwhile Mr. Freeze is scribbling furiously into his notebook from behind a bush.

Red Hood leaves as quickly as he dropped by, letting Batman know that he and some woman named Scarlet who flies a helicopter will still be around.

Back at the Batcave, Damian loses his shit because he's a little asshole and he's also not being written by Peter J. Tomasi.

To be fair to Damian, Bruce did shake Jason Todd's hand which is more intimacy and fatherly love than he's ever shown to Damian. Usually when Bruce gets emotional towards Damian, he lets it out by telling Alfred how he could hug Damian right about now.

Alfred drops by and I'd forgotten how tiny he was Pre-Flashpoint!

"Master Bruce, can I touch up your mascara and rouge?"

Fuck me. Batman didn't do anything wrong! Jason Todd kicked Killer Croc off of Batman's shoulder and incapacitated the beast. Then he shook Batman's hand and said he'd be around. And Batman was all, "Hey, Damian, you little shit. Stop worrying about that asshole and ask me if my shoulder wound is okay, you fucking prick!" Oh wait. Yeah, that was probably a bit harsh.

Batman heads into the study to speak with a picture of his father, Thomas Wayne. That's probably why Bruce is such a horrible father. He's taking fatherly advice from an inanimate object. He's all, "I don't know how to be a dad because you were never there for me! I mean, you were totally there for me for a few years so much so that I could never cope with your death when you were killed. But after that, where were you?! Now because of that, I don't know how to raise Damian! Boo hoo!" It's not like Bruce didn't have years to learn how to be a father with Dick and Jason and Tim! That wasn't practice enough? I think the real problem is that Bruce just doesn't like Damian enough to try being a good father to him.

Where the fuck is Captain Carrot already?! I'm starting to think he might not ever appear in this book. Shouldn't the other worlds be intruding on this one? Where are the Extremists? Where's Thomas Wayne to hug Bruce and say, "You will be the best father ever!" And then Bruce will be all, "Thanks dad! That's all I ever wanted to hear!" Meanwhile within hearing range, Alfred starts pulling out his hair and punching holes in all of the Bruce portraits around the house.

"While you were busy speaking to ghosts, your son was busy trying to get your attention. Now he's probably dead in a ditch. Good job, sir."

I hope Damian has run off to join the Amazing Zoo Crew. Or the Extremists! Maybe he'll run into his grandfather who will introduce him to Miraclo or Venom!

Batman chases after Damian and finds him attacking Red Hood. Scarlet stands nearby while Jason Todd yells at her, "Stay out of this, Scarlet! And don't say any lines! And don't be interesting at all!"

Batman arrives to break up the fight and Damian continues to act like an uninteresting little shit and asks which one of them Batman came to save. What an insecure little fuck. Pre-Flashpoint Damian is the worst! Although it could be that Ron Marz's writing is the worst! I really can't figure out which is at fault. According to Tumblr, Preboot characters were all so much better than their Reboot counterparts, right? So it must be Ron Marz's writing that's to blame.

Batman doesn't have a chance to answer that he was obviously going to save Jason Todd because Damian would probably murder him if he gets the chance. He's interrupted by Planet Brainiac saying, "Welcome to Multiversal Thunderdome, bitches!" That's the abridged version which you'll be seeing me type a lot in the next month.

That's when The Extremists (minus Lord Havok. I am disappoint) arrive! More importantly, Scarlet gets to say something super boring!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1 Rating: Awful. What a piece of shit. I now know that I'll have at least one regret on my deathbed. This issue was just a shitty version of The New 52 Batman and Robin except with some different costumes and a woman named Scarlet. Damian and Bruce are having trouble getting along. Damian is jealous and angry at Jason Todd. Jason Todd is all, "What the fuck, kid?" Alfred is keeping a better eye on Damian than Bruce is. The portrait of Thomas Wayne is all, "...". The Extremists appear and are all, "We're probably not all robots!" Okay, that part wasn't just a crappier version of Tomasi's comic book for The New 52. But even when that happened, I was less than impressed by the Extremists' roster.

Convergence #1

Jesus Christ. I still have to read World's End? And even worse, Scott Lobdell is co-writing it!

Now that the back story has been explained in Convergence #0, I hope we dive right into the different realities battling each other. It's Hunger Royale but better because I know all of the combatants. I have to hope that Batman and the Outsiders take the title because Halo is dreamy. Although I don't even really know how the realities are going to compete with each other. I think they're just going to mix and match so that fans can see some of their favorite characters interact with some of their other favorite characters that they normally, under normal DC Rules, wouldn't be able to interact with.

And by "interact," of course I mean fuck.

Convergence begins with Planet Brainiac destroying the heroes of Injustice Gods Among Us. I think. That's one comic book I haven't been reading because I've been avoiding the video game tie-ins, no matter how good they are. Look, I'm not reading comic books based on how good they are! I'm just reading a whole bunch of arbitrarily grouped comic books because I'm a masochist and an idiot. If I was into well-written comic books, do you think I would have picked up this one with Scott Lobdell's name right there on the cover? I'm, at the very least, smart enough to know he's a horrible writer. Don't anybody tell him I said that, though. I don't want him to be a horrible writer and sad that people know he's a horrible writer. It's bad enough he has to live with the knowledge every day. I'm sure his garage full of X-men money helps console him.

Planet Brainiac mentioned one of the experiments of Mega-Brainiac being a failure and then said it was an injustice last issue. So this must be the collected timeline that he was talking about. It's probably a failure because, within it, Superman hasn't sacrificed himself for a kitten stuck in a tree.

After the Injustice Gods Among Us world is destroyed, Planet Brainiac returns to an empty expanse of dirt and rocks. But then a super gay portal opens up in the sky and a Dick falls out! It's Dick Grayson of Earth-2! I really don't think he's going to find his son way out here. Replacement Batman also falls out of the portal which, as you might be able to tell because I called it "super gay," was probably opened by Alan Scott in a last ditch desperate attempt to flee from Darkseid. Especially since the Mister Misters ditched these guys. I imagine Alan, Val, The Flash, and Barbara Grayson won't be far behind.

Everybody but Babs appears (she'll be a big surprise to Dick so they can't bring her immediately along with everybody else) and Val wonders where they are. Replacement Batman, who, I suppose now that the whole Earth-2/World's End thing is over, I'll just start calling Batman, has some thoughts about that!

Those aren't thoughts about where y'all are! That's just a restating of events with a pretty flimsy speculation tacked onto the end!

Dick Grayson punches Batman in the face for expressing that opinion. While it might not have been very informative, I don't think it deserved a sock to the jaw. I wouldn't be blaming Batman because you lost your stupid kid, Dick! That's on you for constantly abandoning him and then three seconds later regretting your decision. Don't make me start hating Dick Grayson again! I thought those years of my life were over now that Dick finally matured and became a peer to Batman. I know this Dick Grayson doesn't have anything going for him because he's a hack writer and a crappy father and even worse husband who just sat back and watched his wife get shot. At least he won't have to live with that failure for much longer since Babs is right there on the cover waiting to ask him where their son is.

After Dick blames everybody except Darkseid for the death of all of the Twofers, Jay Garrick punches him in the throat. He's all, "I lost my fucking mother, you asshole! And by 'fucking mother,' yes I mean I was fucking her!" I wonder if Val is going to get caught up in all the punching and decide violence looks fun.

Whoops! Wrong red head. I guess Babs is still taking her dirt nap. You can see how I would have been mistaken since the colorist has kind of gotten the skin tone wrong.

I bet Jay Garrick begins zipping around digging at the ground hoping he'll find his mom to reenact this scene.

Alan Scott knows nothing about the portal that brought them here even though it looked just like all the colored light shows he created once he integrated all of the other Avatars. I guess Planet Brainiac collected them himself but since he's new at it, he was only able to capture a few people instead of a whole city. Or maybe that stupid fucking Oracle works for Mega-Brainiac and it transfers timelines to Mega-Brainiac's collection. I'm sure Planet Brainiac will be along in a page or two to explain everything.

Planet Brainiac is just new at his job and totally incompetent.

Planet Brainiac might be a little Space Mad. I think he's just making shit up now because he's been isolated from everything (including time and space) for so long. So he takes it as a sign that collecting these people without a city means they're the last of the objects to ever be collected. The fact that his Master has disappeared is probably a pretty good sign too. But since these are the last occupants of Hunger Royale World (aka Telos), it's time for some motherfuckin' MULTIVERSAL THUNDERDOME!

Apparently, just like Thunderdome and all of the other Thunderdome knock-offs, two (or more!) cities enter and just one city leaves. The winning city gets to be reinstated into the DC Universe. Come on, Batman and the Outsiders! Kick some ass!

This issue ends with ten more comic book worlds that will make an appearance in Convergence. My personal favorite in this grouping is the League of Shadow Universe from Doom Patrol #53. That's basically another Marvel satire universe. If I remember correctly, that story was a parody of "This Man...This Monster!" And even though the Doom Patrol universe is going up against some pretty good competition like Reverse Gender Universe and New Frontiers Universe and Animal Man's Dreamworld, I've got to root for the good old Doom Patrol!

Convergence #0

Time for some repressed memories, Superman!

I have a confession to make: I'm not a very good comic book fan. I read how angry and disappointed fans have been of DC Comics and their New 52 and I realize that I don't share their passion for these characters. I can point out how horribly a character is currently being written and can generally point out where the writer has failed, but I definitely don't have the passion to declare that the character is forever ruined and that only one specific writer can ever do justice to that character. Perhaps it's just my age. I've been around since Crisis on Infinite Earths so I know how these things work. People fall in love with the first version of the character they read. And then things inevitably change because writers change and editors have stupid ideas but mostly just because comic books aren't about telling stories about characters whose lives will finally culminate in an ending that gives justice to their origin and their middle adventures. Comic books are about characters in stasis. They, generally, have a solid beginning and then that's about it for them. The rest of their stories are based on and around that origin. Batman continues to do what he does because he saw his parents murdered in an alley. Peter Parker does what he does because he failed his Uncle Ben. Superman does what is right because his parents were overly nice farmers without a hateful bone in their bodies.

Man, just think if Ma and Pa Kent had been racist! Sorry, I'm digressing! Back to the point!

The main reason I can't be completely passionate about comic books and their characters is because they are not living any kind of typical arc you find in literature. Their story will never have an ending. There will be no lesson learned, no happily ever after, no return home after a lengthy journey. It is all simply journey and journey and more journey. And because of this lack of ending, their middle parts (which is everything in comic books) can only play off of where they've been with just a hint of a shadow of where their current (and current (and current)) actions may eventually lead them. Nothing is ever going to be wrapped up in a nice little bow so every character will eventually disappoint their fans. Maybe it will be because the writer doesn't understand the character's basic motivations that have been in existence for over fifty years. Perhaps the problem will be that the writer has just simply come up with an idea that doesn't quite work. Although a lot of the time, a writer just sucks fucking balls. Sometimes a company needs to find a way to modernize their heroes. Or they pull something like The New 52. It's all pretty much the same thing. Comic book characters stay the same age but times change around them. Finding a way to keep them relevant while staying loyal to their roots is something with which comic book companies must continuously struggle. And no matter what they do, a passionate fan base is going to be angry with them.

I'm not a good fan because I, apparently, look forward to the big changes instead of being angry that my familiar world has been rent asunder (with the exception of making Amanda Waller a deadly fighter and skinny. Fuck that shit, assholes!). I first really got into comic books when I heard about Crisis on Infinite Earths. Big changes and exciting times. I then eventually left comics for about eight years before returning for The New 52. Taking a chance like this was an exciting idea. And, of course, it was a gimmick. But the only people still complaining about comic book gimmicks are probably people new to the fandom. Gimmicks are a staple. Death and resurrection is a staple. New writers and artists and attempted (often aborted) retcons to add excitement to old characters is a staple. Change is a fucking staple of this industry. If you can't handle constant change, you should probably not be a comic book fan (or a Star Wars fan!). You should probably read Lord of the Rings because that isn't changing at all. Although I guess those fans have had quite a time bitching about the movies, amirite?!

And now Convergence. Whatever the hell this is, I know one thing about it! It's change in a big way. Maybe. Oh, how the fuck should I know? I don't read solicits or interviews so the only thing I really know about this series is that DC is moving to the West Coast (change!) and so they needed time to recover and to slap a new face on The New 52 (change!). And it all starts here with Superman and Brainiac and a shared moment in a black hole a few months back.

Technically, Brainiac, "universe" and "timeline" are synonyms for the same thing. And when I said "Brainiac" I wasn't calling him by name. That was an insult!

Brainiac lets Superman know that this has all been a test. Vril Dox (who was just an extension of this Brainiac) wanted to "break Superman's famous resolve" by getting Superman to kill him. It apparently worked although Superman is shocked to hear that he killed somebody. I mean, sure, he killed Doomsday just before Vril Dox came to Earth but does that really count? And even if Superman did kill Vril Dox, didn't Brainiac just point out that every Brainiac is just an extension of Outside of Time and Space Brainiac? So nobody was really killed by Superman at all, right?

Obviously I mean besides Doomsday.

Judging by Superman's sudden five o'clock shadow and that he's now chained to a huge machine, I take it Superman passed out from the shock of hearing he killed somebody. Brainiac continues to explain his reasons for luring Superman into his black hole. He's simply a huge fan, and a bit of a stalker, and pretty decent voyeur. He has watched every Superman in every timeline across the vast, infinite multiverse and he's reached a conclusion: Superman loves to sacrifice himself for other people. But he never seems to do it when Brainiac is the antagonist. So I think Brainiac is a little bit butthurt. But he's going to change that this time! Or all times? Or this no time?

Brainiac leaves Superman chained up while he goes to pay Superman's universe a visit (or all of Superman's universes. Convergence!). But Superman, being, you know, super, escapes! Although he doesn't have any clue where he might be. He did fly into a black hole recently.

Ugh, Superman! You didn't see that water before because it's that stranger's urine!

Superman catches up to the mysterious figure. It turns out to be...surprise!...Brainiac! It's the green one with the ineffectual hairnet on top of his bald head. The one with the speedo and the knee-high white Go-Go boots and the riveted belt and the pink shirt with the preppy collar? He's shocked to discover that Superman escaped his master and says, "In every timeline, it always ends with you." Instead of Superman saying "What does that mean?! What are you talking about?! Give me some answers!", he says, "He was heading for my city, my Earth. I need you to take me there." He doesn't even punch him in the face or break any of his bones. Has he learned nothing from Batman?

Since Dan Jurgens is co-writing this story, I wonder if there will be a nuclear threat by a communistic state?

Superman points out that he'd like to go back to Metropolis. That's when Brainiac turns into full robot body Brainiac. You know the one! The one with the Power Action Computer Kick! Robot Brainiac is all, "Metropolis? You want a Metropolis? I got a ton of Metropolises! Pick a Metropolis! Any Metropolis!" And Superman is all, "Do you have the one from Superman XXX? I want to go to that one please."

Next, Superman meets this Brainiac that I don't remember so I'm not going to describe him to you:

Well, he beat him up and helped trick him into a uSphere, I think. Or he stopped him during that trouble with Vyndktvx.

Finally Superman remembers the lessons he learned from Batman and he punches Brainiac in the jaw. That should change Brainiac's attitude!

Actually, Brainiac doesn't even notice. I guess it's like when I punch my computer for being too slow. It just keeps right on being slow and may even get slower due to the damage from the punch. But it doesn't know I've punched it at all! Stop making me feel so impotent, computer!

Brainiac sticks his finger in Superman's USB port and downloads some information. Damn. That sentence just made me horny.

Brainiac points out that this planet had all the right conditions to become Mega-Brainiac's trophy rack. It just needed a few alterations, a paint job, and a new spot along a different wall.

Does it really explain his parlor tricks, Superman? Really?

Brainiac decides to show Superman all of the cities he cares for and Superman gets upset for some reason. He screams, "You're running a zoo!", and then punches Brainiac. Why did that deserve a punch? He's running a conservationist zoo! He already explained that these were cities on the brink of destruction saved by Mega-Brainiac! Superman would rather all of these people died? I don't know why I asked that. Of course he would! Live free or die, right Superman!?

There it is.

I've never been so proud of Superman than at this moment! He's never embodied "The American Way" better! "Do it my way or I'll destroy you!" So proud!

Conveniently, Superman is sent packing by Brainiac in a way that will erase his memory of this place. But only for a certain amount of time! When Planet Brainiac wants him to remember, he will. And then he can come back and have lots and lots of Convergent Adventures with his new friends, The Brainiacs.

After Superman is gone, The Brainiacs merge into Futures End Symbol Brainiac with Penis Forearms. He declares that one of his Master's experiments was a failure (The New 52 Earth-Main-Earth? Or maybe just Earth-2?) and, as such, he needs to fix things. So he's going to make all of the cities fight for their survival. For some reason. Look, I don't think it's totally clear why this Brainiac has suddenly decided that some of the cities in his collection need to be set free. I guess Superman convinced him with his strong logic and stronger punches? Anyway, it's time for DC Multiverse Thunderdome! Two universes enter; one universe leaves!

Next time on Convergence: More stuff happens which I won't be ranking in any appreciable form! I'm just going to point out stuff that I find funny and write enough of a synopsis of each issue so that I can reread it from week to week to remember what's happening before I read the new issues. And I'll probably totally ignore the art.

The end of the issue has a listing of 41 different DC Comic books whose worlds will appear in Convergence. My quick pick for favorite world appearing in Convergence is New York City, Angor, with The Extremists. I'm also interested in WildC.A.T.s but only if it's drawn the way Jim Lee drew it back then. So awful.

Thoughts From My Reviewer Pants: The story being set up is pretty much what I thought it was going to be and begins exactly where I started to wonder what was going on with all of the Pre-Flashpoint images appearing in Doomed. At the time, I surmised that there was a greater Brainiac that didn't just collect worlds but universes. And that's pretty much what's been set up here. Using Superman's experience while he was away in the black hole to set it up fits nicely with the little bit of story that has been established so far. As for the motivation of Planet Brainiac? I reread the ending and I'm unclear as to why he's making the cities fight now. Maybe because his Master hasn't returned and the ultimate plan was to see which cities were "worthy"? Or maybe Superman convinced him that the ones that deserve it should be set free? In the end, I don't really care about the motivation because MULTIVERSE THUNDERDOME BITCHES!

"Justice League Spooky" is a much better name than "Justice League Dark."