Convergence: Batgirl #2

In 75 years of Batman, there has to have been at least one appearance of Batgorilla, right?

Last issue, Catman made an appearance and nobody was sexed up to the rafters which was surprising. I used to think the main thing a person had to know about Catman was that he was a man and he liked cats. But apparently his most outstanding feature and the only reason he's popular is because he fucks everybody. His 1982 Who's Who entry actually reads, "History: Goes both ways, 'natch. 'nuff said. Excelsior!"

It's possible Catman was about to bite Batgirl on the back of the neck while shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other and struggling to undo her utility belt while she howled like a cat in heat. I mean like something that wasn't a cat in heat but was an awful lot like a cat in heat. Something which you would use to describe a cat in heat when "cat in heat" was too on the nose. Before any funtime shenanigans could happen, Grodd stomped on the scene and growled, "I'm a monkey!" Then shit got real.

Improvisers love to believe that nothing goes as planned because it justifies their fly by the seat of their pants mentality. I am thankful (or at least hopeful?) that those in charge of city infrastructure are planners.

Batgirl should have planned to be trapped inside a dome and transported to an alien planet only to be released one year later so that she could be attacked by a telepathic gorilla. Batman would have had at least three plans in place for this eventuality.

The monkey attacking action is too exciting to continue on page two so, thankfully, the scene changes to the previous day when Tim, Cassandra, and Stephanie were standing around in a desert going, "Duh!" and "Nuh uh! Duh!" and, finally, "Duh duh duh, QED!"

It was quite the informative look back at Stephanie Brown's recent past! I learned that...well, never mind what I learned. It was probably super important to the ending of the story though.

Back in the present, Grodd is about to break Cassandra in half when Catman suggests they all work together to defeat Grodd. That's at least a better idea than fighting amongst themselves while Grodd eats each one of their brains. But even as a team, their chances of defeating Grodd are so dangerously slim that Tumblr would provide a warning page on eating disorders if one were to search Tumblr for "Batgirl and friends' chances against Grodd."

Well, you do have to choose which one to eat first, Grodd.

Grodd knocks out Cass and Tim and is ready to bite Steph's skull open when she remembers the previous day. She remembers an earthquake which means Convergence is long over and these guys still think they need to continue with this ridiculous fight because they're lost in a desert. During the earthquake, Tim hugs her and Steph is all, "Gooooosh!" And Tim is all, "Did you say something?" Maybe Grodd will read her mind and come to the conclusion that he cannot kill true love because it's the only thing worth living for! He'll have come to that conclusion because he probably fell in love with Zelda, the female ape at the zoo where he was kept while in the dome.

No, no! That's crazy! The story is called "The Love Song of J. Stephanie Brown," not "The Love Song of a Big Dumb Ape Named Grodd."

"Let us go then, Zelda! Grodd!
When zoo closed and day get all quiet and odd
Like dead human spread out on dinner table;
Let us go! By penguin pond! By farmyard friends,
Peanut shelled dead-ends
Where gathering crowds all day stood rooted.
Make monkey sounds, they hollered! Hooted
Bad words! Mean words! Words like sticks! Words like stones!
Had they known
Grodd understand all hurtful things said...
No ask what Grodd feel!
Let us go! Make humans meal!

In room females come! go!
Talk! Talk! Michelangelo!

When Grodd get to line about peach!?
Grodd hungry!"

Red Robin decides it's time to talk to Steph about their relationship. Steph is all, "Oh really? Now that I'm back in the suit, you want to hit dat ass again?"

That's not what she meant at all! Not at all!

Steph gets away from Grodd by pulling out his face hairs while Catman stabs Grodd in the back. That's when Batgirl is all, "Um, hey, Catman? I quit! You win! Or maybe, you know, you should surrender to me, maybe?" And Catman is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea! Because if one of us loses, that will obviously open up a portal because that's how things must work! This is probably where one of us says that we have just one last chance!" Catman decides to lose because his Gotham has been devastated by Grodd. Batgirl knocks him out and dances on his face. She has to make sure her victory is believable!

Telos is convinced and everybody heads back to their respective homes. It's a good thing she decided to trick Telos because Grodd was about to eat everybody's brains and maybe their soft, delicious genitalia as well. He's a gross monkey. Unless he's only problematic?

Afterward, Tim and Steph celebrate by doing it! Or trying to do it. They are unsuccessful because they forget to take their clothes off. Even I know at least some of the clothes need to come off to do it correctly! Like the...um...bottom parts?

Convergence: Batgirl #2 Rating: I forgot to rank the book in Batarangs as I read it! Let me see. It began as a five and then it received plus two for Batgirl knowing Grodd could kill them all so she didn't even try. It gets +1 for Steph punching Tim Drake in his dumb face. It gets -1 for nobody being eaten by Grodd because that would have been nice. It gets -1 for the Guinea Pig being drawn like a chipmunk. It gets +1 for Grodd's mate being named Zelda. It gets +2 for Cass being so cool and sexy cool and sexy. It gets...oh, who cares. I lost count! It was like 7.5 Batarangs or something!

Divergence: Prez
"Meet Beth Ross, the first teenaged President of the United States...a nation where corporations can run for office, the poor are used as human billboards, and tacos are delivered by drone, our only hope is this nineteen-year-old Twitter sensation!"

I don't think that sentence made any sense! I think it need an "in" after the ellipsis.

I'm already nervous about this comic book when the main character is a "Twitter sensation." Ugh. Fuck everybody who puts "Twitter" and "sensation" next to each other in a sentence! I hope she's one of those "Twitter sensations" who steal everybody else's jokes and posts them as her own! She is the president which makes her dishonest automatically. Although I have a feeling the point of this comic book is that she's the first truly honest president and she's super groovy cool to boot!

The story begins with hep cat and bees knees Beth Ross begin all cute and bored on Airforce Uno. But her boredom doesn't last long as insurgent robots shoot down her plane and it crashes on Fiji. Or an island near Fiji. Or somewhere else. I don't think it's too important where they are. Just remember about the robots with missiles.

Whoops! I guess the American robots are the sentries! I knew we needed to make sure we pay machines at least minimum wage!

I'm going to stop telling the grocery store checkout robots to shut up when they tell me to take my items because I don't want to be blamed for riling them up any more than they're already riled.

The big surprise is that the robots are being controlled by video game testers at Secrui-tech. They don't know they're controlling real robots and shooting at the soon-to-be inaugurated President of the United States.

Prez uses her SAT Phone to call the United Nations where she gets in touch with Anonymous (who have become a "nation" and have been given a seat on the UN) who hack the security robots so that they blow each other up. Prez is rescued and taken to the United Nations where the Indian delegate is all, "Why are you so late? Ha cha cha cha cha!"

I was excited for Prez because I was thinking it was going to be a goofy throwback to the original Prez. But it's about modern young people and I can't stand modern young people! Doesn't DC have enough modern young people with Burnside Batgirl?! Oh wait. I really like that title. Maybe this one will be good too. I hope Prez does a lot of Boob/Butt Showcases while politicking!

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?