Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2 (October 1992)

I wanted to call it "The Many Tits and Asses of Evil" but that was a bit too much work in Corel Photopaint.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2 (October 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Mark Pennington, Randy Elliott, Raymond Kryssing, Gaspar, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Bart Sears and Mark Pennington
Edited by Eddie Berganza and Michael Eury

• I know I can use a bunch of modern applications that would basically change the cover for me with a quick suggestion to a machine but where's the fun in that? Most of my artistic endeavours¹ have come from my brain suggesting something fucking ridiculous and my body having to figure out how to comply. Besides, I've been using Corel Photopaint for over 25 years so it's practically like breathing or keeping my heart beating. Plus I purchased it once² and that was it! No fucking subscription. I just have to make sure I don't lose the Install CD which, um, I've done so, well, there's always eBay, I guess? No, no. I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

• Okay. Right. Nobody cares about my Corel Photopaint career. If I thought anybody did, I'd send you to the Internet Archive of my old site to see all the great work I did with it: 8-bit buttons, moving advert banners, Dwarflover, and so, so much more. It's on Internet Archive because Doom Bunny stopped paying the miniscule hosting bill. He also pays the miniscule hosting bill for the site which houses all of my comic book scans. I just mention that so when that day eventually comes where the links to all of my comic books scans are broken, you'll know who to blame! I really need to get control of that payment!

• Not only does this cover have Lobo and Guy Gardner, it also has Klarion the Witch Boy! You might not have noticed him because you were staring at Starfire's ass and Black Canary's ass and the L.E.G.I.O.N. lady's ass. Sorry, I don't recognize most of the L.E.G.I.O.N. characters by name and I'm less interested in figuring their names out than I am in figuring out the names of the Legion of Super-hero horndogs.

• The characters possessed by Eclipso when this issue begins: Valor, Lady Quark, Star Sapphire, Starfire, Flash, Green Lantern, Changeling, The Creeper, Hawkwoman, Wonder Woman, Deathstork, Maxima, Power Girl, Red Star, Pantha, Starman, Mona Bennett, and Klarion the Witch Boy³. This issue begins with all of them (minus Valor and Starman) battling a bunch of heroes and Lobo in that crater in Arizona. Judging by all the newly Eclipsed characters on the cover, they're going to lose. That makes sense because Bruce Gordon, his team of geniuses, and Science Itself will need to rise up to save the world from the moon.

• Before the battle can take place, the moon becomes completely devoid of reflected sunlight as the Earth's shadow fully eclipses it, at least from the perspective of the crater in Arizona. A massive purple beam shoots down from the moon to transport all of the Eclipsed characters to the moon. Instead of cheering and celebrating because how can Eclipso take over the Earth when his entire army is on the moon, the heroes figure they need to somehow go to the moon to beat them up. Not one of them remarks, "Yay! They fled! We win! Earth is saved!" They might be stupid. Or I'm super ignorant of military tactics? I shouldn't have made that a question because it's true: I am super ignorant of military tactics. The question mark was just meant to convey that I don't know if that has any pertinence to the current story.

• Eclipso has used Starman's shapechanging power to make his face not have an Eclipso tattoo and to change his voice from purple gravel to normal old black type in white bubble speak. He's pretending to be one of the heroes by constantly screaming, "We need to follow the Eclipsed heroes to the moon! We need to go to the moon! Hurry, don't even think about it for a second! We have to get to the moon! Staying on Earth is the real trap when you think about it! But don't think about it! Just get to the trap! I mean moon!"

• I knew Eclipso's plan was to somehow absorb the powers of the people he possessed during the eclipse of the moon but it turns out to be far more literal than I expected.

"Um, uh, why do I have the urge to fuck underage girls? Can somebody help me unabsorb this guy?!"

• I don't know why Deathstork was "an easy one" but I'm going to assume it has to do with his age. It's like how old people are so easily absorbed by Fox News. They just turn to the channel and they're all, "Oh no! I'm scared of everything now! Kill brown people!"

For some reason, Blue Devil makes an appearance. Did he drop by to proclaim he wasn't a hero so he wouldn't be able to help out?

• Maybe Blue Devil appeared in The Demon annual. Although Bronze Tiger and Nightshade have also made an appearance and I don't remember a Suicide Squad tie-in annual. I think some of the Challengers of the Unknown are also at the big Let's Murder Eclipso Conference. Perhaps Giffen and Fleming just told Bart Sears to add whoever the fuck he wanted to draw.

• Some of the more loserish heroes have a problem with the "Murder" part of the Conference title but Vril Dox just tells them to shut up. They seem to take the Batman approach and decide that if they don't take part in the actual stabbing on the Senate floor, they won't have any blood on their hands. Even though they know the plan and they know what's about to happen. It's like when you own a cat that you let outside. You can easily take the stance that the bird your cat ripped up isn't on your conscience but you were the one who made the choice to let the cat out of the door.⁴ This doesn't apply to people whose cats can unlock and open doors.

• Meanwhile on the moon, Eclipso is absorbing all of the possessed heroes. I guess that'll be the argument against Vril Dox murdering Eclipso. Saving Eclipso will simply be an act of saving all of their friends. Not that Vril Dox will care. He's super logical which means that if he sees a goal as needing to be accomplished, it doesn't matter how many people will have to die to accomplish that goal. Even if that goal is to kill one person. You can't allow one person to not die just because it would mean seventeen other people will die! Are you crazy?! What kind of hippie peacenik thinks like that?!⁵

• The panel where Eclipso absorbs all of the other heroes is so gross I'm not going to scan it. Mostly because it's hard to use the scanner when I keep retching.

• Lobo decided not to take part in this mission because then it would go too easily. Instead, he stayed behind in Circus, Circus to play craps. I'm not kidding. He stayed behind to gamble. He's just like me! I also would rather gamble than risk my life to save the world!

• Starman continues to be way too insistent on walking into Eclipso's trap. Still, nobody suspects he's a double agent working for Eclipso. Unless they do. This story was called "Brilliant Men" and unless it was ironic, Vril Dox must know Starman is a traitor, right? Also, nobody has yet asked, "What happened to Superman?"

I don't even know who this guy is⁶ and yet he's the smartest guy currently on the moon!

• Everybody follows Starman into the palace where he reveals he's actually Eclipso. Everybody is shocked at the revelation! But more importantly, they're all slightly irritated that he fooled them. And since irritation is the precursor to murderous rage, they all become possessed by the God of Vengeance! But I guess the rules set down through the rest of the series where the possessed have to destroy the thing that caused them rage doesn't apply in the foyer of Eclipso's moon palace because they don't immediately descend on Starman and tear him to bits.

• While Eclipso's in the middle of taunting Mona by showing her how he's disgustingly absorbing everybody into his body, a portal opens with a flash of sunlight and Bruce Gordon appears with Team Solar Flare! Superman was recruited because he could probably destroy Eclipso just by pissing on him. That's not how this issue ends, is it? Did I just guess how it ends? I bet I did!

• I think this is where the big fight was but, once again, I've ripped out most of the pages and replaced them with pictures of Lobo fucking chicks at the Bunny Ranch. I guess twenty year old me found that more interesting than a huge fight between Superman and Valor meant to show how awesome Valor is so that everybody would buy up his new series just hitting the shelves after this series wrapped up. It must have worked because I own at least the first issue of that series. But I also would have purchased this series where Lobo blows all his cash at a legal brothel in Las Vegas.

• Anyway, the good guys unEclipse everybody and make their way out of the palace just in the nick of time because the palace turns into the God Eclipso.

Yes! Massive shirtless Eclipso on the moon! Twelve year old me's dream of being an astronaut has returned! Get me on the next Artemis mission!

• Bruce Gordon and Starman are still inside Eclipso with a Sun Bomb. I'll assume they're in the urethra for mostly logical reasons and not pornographic fantasy ones.

• Massive Shirtless Eclipso somehow has a massive Black Diamond which he's going to look through so he can murder everybody with Black Diamond Laser Beams. I don't know where this massive Black Diamond came from. I guess if you think about it logically, it was in his urethra.

• Bruce Gordon's taking too long to set off the bomb so Starman goes, "Fuck it! I'm a human bomb! I'll kill him myself!" And Bruce Gordon yells, "Wait! What are you doing? How am I going to get out of this urethra alive if you blow yourself up!" And Starman is all, "You should have thought about that when you were attaching a timer to your bomb that takes fifteen minutes to fucking set up!"

See? The explosion was centered in the urethra.⁷

• Starman is the only person who died to make way for James Robinson's Starman. Bruce Gordon survives to set up the Eclipso comic series. Superman tells Lar Gand that he accomplished an amazing feat of "valor" to set up his comic book series. And my 20 year old self thought, "I'm going to buy all of these series! Except for James Robinson's Starman because I'll have forgotten all about this Starman in the two years it takes to relaunch Starman!" Eclipso isn't dead because he has to come back for that series I just mentioned so instead of being dead, he picks himself up off the surface of the moon and quotes Winston Churchill for some reason. Was Churchill one of Eclipso's possessed puppet people?

The Ranking
I mean, it was okay, I guess. Retconning the whole idea of Eclipso was a nice idea for a big DC Summer Event. He's much better as the God of Vengeance than some two-bit villainous paranormal spirit possessing a guy named after Batman and Commission Gordon. Did I need to purchase all of the annuals? Obviously not but FOMO drove a ton of my comic book purchases back in the day. Not all of them because I just couldn't afford to follow as many series as I would have liked. But a one-time blockbuster summer event? Sure, why not! Plus in the '90s these massive annuals were cheaper than a modern twenty page monthly! You could just walk into a comic book shop, sweep a whole row of new comics off the shelf and into your backpack, and maybe just skip lunch for a few days. People will try to point out that the cheap prices were balanced out by lower wages but that's just theory coming out of the mouths of people who don't know any better. The cost of living was much more balanced back in the '90s. You might have had a lower wage but you could buy way more for that wage than you can buy with a much higher wage now. That was a good thing for comic books! Companies and indie publishers could experiment and try loads of different shit while people wouldn't mind risking a buck and a half to check it out. Now you can't risk shit if you're asking people to buy your comic at a five dollar cover price! Who would dare?! You can get a hit of LSD for that price! Can't you? I don't know how much LSD costs anymore. But back in my youth, you could get a tab for the price of a comic book!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Yes, I consider changing the word "FACES" to "ASSES" art.
² At least, somebody purchased it. I just wound up with the Install CD.
³ He must have been possessed in The Demon annual which I have yet to read.
⁴ I'm not making a judgment on people who let their cats outside. I'm just making a judgment on people who can manage to feel that any mayhem their cat does while outside isn't somehow their responsibility.
⁵ Me, actually. I'm that hippie peacenik!
⁶ If I had to guess, it's either Doctor Light or Keith Giffen. Maybe it's a Challenger of the Unknown because I don't know why Keith Giffen or a suspected pedo would have come on the mission.
⁷ What am I? A doctor?

Bonus Book! #7 (Justice League International #18) (1988)

"Don't anger the wife" was the top plot point of every sitcom until Seinfeld.

Booster Gold's butt looks super weird on this "cover." That's probably because it was drawn by an amateur artist who has never seen an actual butt before.

The issue begins with a quote from the autobiography of the original Mister Miracle, Thaddeus Brown: "A stable home life is essential for escape artists. It's very hard to concentrate on death-defying feats while you're wondering where you'll hang your hat that evening."

What a fucking stupid quote. It's pure bullshit! I'm not an escape artist myself but I like to think I'm capable of reasoning and simple thought! This is so obviously a crutch by the writer of this story, Mark Askwith, to wedge his theme into the reader's mind immediately. Not that anybody needed this trite short cut! We already knew from that terrible cover, especially since we were reading it in 1988! "Oh ho ho," my sixteen year old self probably chortled when getting to the Bonus Book! cover, "Looks like they made the wife angry! That's sure to cause some hilarious conflict full of nagging and impromptu mothering of the child-like husband!"

Where the hell does this idiot think Barda was raised?! If she could learn to iron since leaving the Female Furies, he can fucking learn too!

Immediately after asking Barda if she'll do the ironing simply because she's a woman, Scott Free makes a joke about Oberon's height. I guess the character portfolio DC gave Mark Askwith on Mister Miracle just read, "He's a royal douchebag."

While Barda and Scott discuss who should be doing what chores, Oberon is goofing around downstairs accidentally arming strange machines left by Thaddeus Brown. The device blows up and completely destroys Scott and Barda's house in a huge display of fireworks that light up the neighborhood with the glowing words, "Mister Miracle." A picture of it makes the front page of the Daily Post which means somebody must have been walking by with their camera as soon as it happened. That might not seem ludicrous now but this was 1988!

Barda, Scott, and Oberon are forced to move into the JLI Embassy until their house can be rebuilt. I think all of the other members of the team already live there because they're bachelors. Also they're not escape artists so they don't have to worry about a stable home life interfering with their day job.

Barda tries to fit in by helping out around the place. She cleans and buys groceries and cooks. But instead of thanking her, everybody just gets annoyed because I guess she should just sit around in filth doing nothing while eating junk food? Damn Barda! Always trying to keep everybody alive and clean! Although, she did eat J'onn's Oreos. On one hand, I get it. Oreo's are delicious! I would eat J'onn's Oreos too! On the other hand, if they were my Oreo's, Barda is a fucking asshole who needs to be stopped!

Batman's solution to get the person actually doing chores and cooking and buying food (meaning Oreo's) out of the house? Rebuild Scott and Barda's house! That'll solve the huge problem of having somebody who actually lifts the slightest finger out of all the lazy assholes' hair!

Things do not progress swiftly with Barda gone because the rest of the JLI are huge fuckups.

I think the joke is supposed to be that even though Barda tries to help, she's a big klutz or is always in the way or something. Like she vacuums but nobody says, "Oh, she's incompetent at vacuuming!" Instead, it's "Oh the vacuum is making the television staticky!" (That's a thing that actually used to happen back before technology got good.) And it's not like, "Oh, thanks for buying all of the groceries, Barda!" because she drops one egg on Beetle's head and it's all, "Why doesn't she stop being helpful, dammit?!" And then she cooks "Beef Flambé" but it's on fire, as per the name, which causes Martian Manhunter to freak the fuck out. It's not like she throws it at him?! Calm down, you pussy! The only real complaint any of them should have is J'onn because she does eat his Oreos.

But see, the joke doesn't work because Barda is actually being quite helpful in all of these situations and it's the guys who just aren't grateful and, actually, are huge assholes about her living with them. So when they're all, "We should be able to build a house without Barda fucking it up," it's not funny at all! I was thinking, "Wait. She would be a big help, wouldn't she?!" But then I went back to scrutinize all the ways in which the story tried to prove she was a klutz and I was left thinking, "This story is terrible at proving she's a klutz!" Anyway, Guy Gardner uses his ring to make the nails and then his ring runs out of charge and the house collapses. I'm pretty sure Barda would have been happy to purchase actual nails and nail them into actual lumber. Fucking assholes.

Bonus Book! #7 Rating: F-. The only good thing about this Bonus Book! is that it gave Mark Pennington his start, I guess? His job before this was thinking up new G.I. Joe's like "Razor Clam" and "Billy Hoodinks." Hmm, I wonder if I could get a job thinking up new G.I. Joes?

Convergence: Batgirl #2

In 75 years of Batman, there has to have been at least one appearance of Batgorilla, right?

Last issue, Catman made an appearance and nobody was sexed up to the rafters which was surprising. I used to think the main thing a person had to know about Catman was that he was a man and he liked cats. But apparently his most outstanding feature and the only reason he's popular is because he fucks everybody. His 1982 Who's Who entry actually reads, "History: Goes both ways, 'natch. 'nuff said. Excelsior!"

It's possible Catman was about to bite Batgirl on the back of the neck while shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other and struggling to undo her utility belt while she howled like a cat in heat. I mean like something that wasn't a cat in heat but was an awful lot like a cat in heat. Something which you would use to describe a cat in heat when "cat in heat" was too on the nose. Before any funtime shenanigans could happen, Grodd stomped on the scene and growled, "I'm a monkey!" Then shit got real.

Improvisers love to believe that nothing goes as planned because it justifies their fly by the seat of their pants mentality. I am thankful (or at least hopeful?) that those in charge of city infrastructure are planners.

Batgirl should have planned to be trapped inside a dome and transported to an alien planet only to be released one year later so that she could be attacked by a telepathic gorilla. Batman would have had at least three plans in place for this eventuality.

The monkey attacking action is too exciting to continue on page two so, thankfully, the scene changes to the previous day when Tim, Cassandra, and Stephanie were standing around in a desert going, "Duh!" and "Nuh uh! Duh!" and, finally, "Duh duh duh, QED!"

It was quite the informative look back at Stephanie Brown's recent past! I learned that...well, never mind what I learned. It was probably super important to the ending of the story though.

Back in the present, Grodd is about to break Cassandra in half when Catman suggests they all work together to defeat Grodd. That's at least a better idea than fighting amongst themselves while Grodd eats each one of their brains. But even as a team, their chances of defeating Grodd are so dangerously slim that Tumblr would provide a warning page on eating disorders if one were to search Tumblr for "Batgirl and friends' chances against Grodd."

Well, you do have to choose which one to eat first, Grodd.

Grodd knocks out Cass and Tim and is ready to bite Steph's skull open when she remembers the previous day. She remembers an earthquake which means Convergence is long over and these guys still think they need to continue with this ridiculous fight because they're lost in a desert. During the earthquake, Tim hugs her and Steph is all, "Gooooosh!" And Tim is all, "Did you say something?" Maybe Grodd will read her mind and come to the conclusion that he cannot kill true love because it's the only thing worth living for! He'll have come to that conclusion because he probably fell in love with Zelda, the female ape at the zoo where he was kept while in the dome.

No, no! That's crazy! The story is called "The Love Song of J. Stephanie Brown," not "The Love Song of a Big Dumb Ape Named Grodd."

"Let us go then, Zelda! Grodd!
When zoo closed and day get all quiet and odd
Like dead human spread out on dinner table;
Let us go! By penguin pond! By farmyard friends,
Peanut shelled dead-ends
Where gathering crowds all day stood rooted.
Make monkey sounds, they hollered! Hooted
Bad words! Mean words! Words like sticks! Words like stones!
Had they known
Grodd understand all hurtful things said...
No ask what Grodd feel!
Let us go! Make humans meal!

In room females come! go!
Talk! Talk! Michelangelo!

When Grodd get to line about peach!?
Grodd hungry!"

Red Robin decides it's time to talk to Steph about their relationship. Steph is all, "Oh really? Now that I'm back in the suit, you want to hit dat ass again?"

That's not what she meant at all! Not at all!

Steph gets away from Grodd by pulling out his face hairs while Catman stabs Grodd in the back. That's when Batgirl is all, "Um, hey, Catman? I quit! You win! Or maybe, you know, you should surrender to me, maybe?" And Catman is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea! Because if one of us loses, that will obviously open up a portal because that's how things must work! This is probably where one of us says that we have just one last chance!" Catman decides to lose because his Gotham has been devastated by Grodd. Batgirl knocks him out and dances on his face. She has to make sure her victory is believable!

Telos is convinced and everybody heads back to their respective homes. It's a good thing she decided to trick Telos because Grodd was about to eat everybody's brains and maybe their soft, delicious genitalia as well. He's a gross monkey. Unless he's only problematic?

Afterward, Tim and Steph celebrate by doing it! Or trying to do it. They are unsuccessful because they forget to take their clothes off. Even I know at least some of the clothes need to come off to do it correctly! Like the...um...bottom parts?

Convergence: Batgirl #2 Rating: I forgot to rank the book in Batarangs as I read it! Let me see. It began as a five and then it received plus two for Batgirl knowing Grodd could kill them all so she didn't even try. It gets +1 for Steph punching Tim Drake in his dumb face. It gets -1 for nobody being eaten by Grodd because that would have been nice. It gets -1 for the Guinea Pig being drawn like a chipmunk. It gets +1 for Grodd's mate being named Zelda. It gets +2 for Cass being so cool and sexy cool and sexy. It gets...oh, who cares. I lost count! It was like 7.5 Batarangs or something!

Divergence: Prez
"Meet Beth Ross, the first teenaged President of the United States...a nation where corporations can run for office, the poor are used as human billboards, and tacos are delivered by drone, our only hope is this nineteen-year-old Twitter sensation!"

I don't think that sentence made any sense! I think it need an "in" after the ellipsis.

I'm already nervous about this comic book when the main character is a "Twitter sensation." Ugh. Fuck everybody who puts "Twitter" and "sensation" next to each other in a sentence! I hope she's one of those "Twitter sensations" who steal everybody else's jokes and posts them as her own! She is the president which makes her dishonest automatically. Although I have a feeling the point of this comic book is that she's the first truly honest president and she's super groovy cool to boot!

The story begins with hep cat and bees knees Beth Ross begin all cute and bored on Airforce Uno. But her boredom doesn't last long as insurgent robots shoot down her plane and it crashes on Fiji. Or an island near Fiji. Or somewhere else. I don't think it's too important where they are. Just remember about the robots with missiles.

Whoops! I guess the American robots are the sentries! I knew we needed to make sure we pay machines at least minimum wage!

I'm going to stop telling the grocery store checkout robots to shut up when they tell me to take my items because I don't want to be blamed for riling them up any more than they're already riled.

The big surprise is that the robots are being controlled by video game testers at Secrui-tech. They don't know they're controlling real robots and shooting at the soon-to-be inaugurated President of the United States.

Prez uses her SAT Phone to call the United Nations where she gets in touch with Anonymous (who have become a "nation" and have been given a seat on the UN) who hack the security robots so that they blow each other up. Prez is rescued and taken to the United Nations where the Indian delegate is all, "Why are you so late? Ha cha cha cha cha!"

I was excited for Prez because I was thinking it was going to be a goofy throwback to the original Prez. But it's about modern young people and I can't stand modern young people! Doesn't DC have enough modern young people with Burnside Batgirl?! Oh wait. I really like that title. Maybe this one will be good too. I hope Prez does a lot of Boob/Butt Showcases while politicking!

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?