Wonder Woman #40

I hope we're having Tater Tot Casserole.

After I read this issue, I have the fucking annuals to read. I despise doing commentary on most annuals because nobody cares about annuals! Even the writers don't care about the annuals! The only people who care about annuals are the newbie artists that get to draw them because none of the pros give enough fucks to take on the assignment. This batch of annuals looks to have a bunch of artists that have done work for The New 52 but haven't had any steady work on a title, or are coming back after having been away for a bit. Except for the exceptions. And maybe the writers care! Tomasi usually puts together a Batman and Robin story that tugs at the tear ducts. But I bet the others don't give a shit.

The worst part is that the annuals are so long! When I first came back to comics, I was surprised that they had dropped to just twenty pages. But after doing the commentaries for a few months, I was glad they were so short. Annuals are a pain in the ass.

This issue of Wonder Woman is going to be a pain in the ass too. I can already tell because it begins with Diana attacking Donna Troy. And while she's attacking her, she's talking about how crazy everybody is acting because they've given in to fear. Stop it, Diana. You're the one acting crazy! You're attacking the Amazons newly chosen leader. You've been ignoring their problems and they solved the problem of you ignoring the problem where you ignore their problems. Maybe you should talk with their new leader and decide if she'll do a good job. You're so stressed! Let some of your responsibilities go! Maybe go take a hot bath. I bet David Finch would love to draw that!

The fight is broken up so that everybody can discuss the situation in the way that the situation should have been discussed in the first place. It's when the discussion starts going against you that you pull out the sword, Diana! That's just simple logic!

Wonder Woman isn't doing what's best for anybody! Send the brothers back to Hephaestus. They seemed to enjoy that life. Stop trying to make some kind of political point, Diana, and just let the boys go.

The only female Amazons left on the island, besides that really old lady in that previous scan, are all about thirteen years old. I'm just going by the artwork! Although they must be drinking cows full of growth hormone because...HOO-BOY!...do they all have great big bosoms! And just like a bunch of bossy teenagers that think they know better than every adult ever (obvs! Because the adults are all racists hypocritical dickmunches, amirite?!), they challenge Diana to prove her loyalty to them. Jesus fucking Xmas! Why is everybody in comics drama loving buttholes with no ability to remember anything. Diana fucking just saved you clowns against the armies of the First Born! How can you forget that shit? All these fucking Amazons can just go eat a big bag of dicks! Why not? They won't even know what they're eating, right?

Amazon #1: "Is this a mushroom?"
Amazon #2: "Mine is covered in frosting!"
Amazon #3: "I put mine in my butt!"

"Not like you, you filthy man-mutt!"

Diana points out how the kids used to call her "Jugs" and not because of her large breasts. They constantly teased her for being made out of clay but now they desire a Queen made from clay? Amazons are so fickle! The main thing the ancient philosophers gossiped about when discussing the Amazons was how fickle they were! That and the secret location where they bathed.

Wonder Woman, like Oliver Queen, thinks she knows what's best for the people living in the place where she lives. She sees the flaws they don't know they have. If she could just get them all to change and agree with her and think just like her, everything would be fine! Although I wonder if she's thought about maybe not painting every Amazon with the same broad brush when discussing them? Learn to trust, Diana.

Wonder Woman decides to discuss her problems with Superman while they save some children in a bus about to fall off of a bridge. He's a man! He should have some really good insights into solving the problems of a city full of women!

Why does Superman look like Rob Liefeld in a dark wig?

Wonder Woman admits to Superman that she wasn't comfortable going back to Themyscira after her mother died. Why won't she say those things to the Amazons? That's the kind of shit they need to hear from their Queen! They feel Diana isn't spending enough time on the island and it's affecting her ability to lead. Isn't the fact that she's hurting every time she has to go back part of the problem? She needs to admit it to her fellow Amazons! It would go a long way towards fixing the rift if they knew how her mother's death was interfering with her ability to lead.

I'm starting to suspect Diana should let somebody else lead! She knows it already. She can't split her attention between ruling a small island nation and being a member of the Justice League with an apartment in London and a dangerous plant to take care of. Just let it go, Di!

Who's going to war? If the Amazons want the men off the island, send them back to Hephaestus. The experiment didn't work. Once again: let it motherfucking go!

Superman and Wonder Woman are headed toward that cave where the insect people who were stealing small villages live. Now it's time for Wonder Woman to confront the Insect Queen and learn a little something about the responsibilities of being a Queen! I bet she makes her decision on what to do about Themyscira based on this confrontation!

The Justice League have found the Queen's lair and Wonder Woman declares this may be the only chance they have to stop the Insect People.

What the fuck does that mean? Is he taking a shot at Aquaman somehow?

Before Diana leads them into the cave, Batman takes a moment to get handsy with Diana. He's all, "Diana! I hope you don't mind I've put my hand on your bare shoulder! I know you can feel my manly manliness leaking through my glove (that's also partially the Kryptonite underlining)! But I just wanted to make sure we were okay. I mean, I accused you of being a murdering murderer last issue and I just wanted you to know: I'm still fucking pissed that you turned it around on me and said I had blood on my hands! That's wrong! I do not have any blood on my hands! Take it back!" And Wonder Woman is all, "We're good! Trust me!"

The Justice League encounter the Bug Queen on her non-Buggy throne and they let Wonder Woman speak with her because The Flash cracks too many jokes, Superman is an idiot, and Batman would just scowl and answer every question with "I'm The Batman!" They don't let Cyborg speak because they're all racist. Or it could just be Wonder Woman is kind of an ambassador and also more than kind of a queen herself. So she should know how to talk to the Queen of the Bug People.

I have no idea why Diana flips that guy. I guess David Finch was just all, "Talking is so boring!"

The Bug Queen sure has done her research on the Greek Gods! Although I'm not sure how "We're just killing humans because it's our nature!" is a valid defense for having killed all of the humans. Sure, it's the reason they killed them. They need to feed on humans so they eat humans. But that doesn't mean the humans have to accept it! They have a right to kill the Bug People when the Bug People are murdering them. Then Diana can act all uppity and tell the Bug Queen, "It's in our nature to defend ourselves with violence!" Then the Bug Queen can just be all, "Oh! Okay then. We'll just starve. Sorry about that!"

And then David Finch finally gets his double page splash in! I was wondering if he was going to get around to one. It's a picture of the Amazons slaughtering their brothers while Diana is off debating the Bug Queen. See, Donna Troy and her old patron don't want the men on the island. And apparently all of the other Amazons are dopey enough to go along with killing the men. Forget that they just helped save Paradise Island from the First Born. They're icky men! They deserve to be murdered before they can have a chance to leave peacefully. I guess Donna Troy is just a charismatic, convincing leader.

And that's where this issue ends! The conclusion to the story will take place in the Wonder Woman Annual in two months. That's just bad planning, DC. You should never use the annuals to finish story arcs. If you are going to do that, you really should number the annuals so that they fall in line with the numbering of the regular series. This coming annual should be Wonder Woman Annual #40.5. That way when somebody is picking up back issues of this comic book, they'll know they need to read the annual and they'll know exactly where it fits in.

Wonder Woman #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book just makes the Amazons look like assholes and makes Wonder Woman seem incompetent. I suppose when it all wraps up, Meredith Finch can have Strife lowered down from the ceiling saying, "Surprise! Nobody was acting in the manner they should have been acting because I was influencing them! Any horrible characterizations are totally explained away because of the influence of the Gods! Please do not write letters of complaint!" If fans thought The New 52 Wonder Woman was bad before, they should get a load of this skidmark named Diana! What a joke! I hope it's a joke. This is all a joke, right Meredith?

Harley Quinn #16

Everybody in the whole cell block was doing something that's too vulgar to type that rhymes with "block"!

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy have decided to take in a movie. Harley Quinn lies to Pamela and tries to tell her that Mad Max was "sooo cool." No! Wrong! Mad Max was boring shit with a sort of interesting idea that led to two of the greatest movie sequels to ever be made! But Mad Max was a boring piece of shit! If you're currently arguing with me, then you're probably only remembering the five or six minutes of Mad Max that weren't a total snorefest!

Even for its time it wasn't amazing! But she did say "in the first film," so I'm going to assume that she's just mentioning the first movie to set up her description of the beauty that was The Road Warrior and the orgy of action sadness and Tina Turner's chainmail tits that was Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome!

More important than telling everybody that they're wrong in their opinions if they thought Mad Max was a decent film is this conundrum: How the fuck did Harley and Pamela get tickets to see a screening of the new Road Warrior movie!? Do movies come out sooner in the DC Universe? Because this is the first time that I've ever wanted to truly be a comic book character! Let me see the movie now!

Harley and Pamela walk out of the movies because Harley needs to take a breath after not beating somebody's ass because they told her to shut the fuck up. Good for Harley! Fucking loud ass movie assholes. I mean she was being one of those so it would have been wrong for her to pretend that the people asking her to be quiet were being the dicks. They decide to duck into the DC version of Fifty Shades of Grey.

I'm pretty sure it's coming from the lap of the blond lady on the end of the aisle.

I don't get why anybody chose to go see Fifty Shades of Grey. Wasn't the allure of the novel that it had graphic sex scenes? So shouldn't the movie have been pornographic? Not the typical porn that the porn industry produces, of course. That's all built on the male gaze. This movie should have been a porn for females. Not a titillating Rated-R movie about two people who fuck and stuff. Not erotica. Just plain old porn! Was the movie porn? I have no idea!

Actually, since I know pretty much nothing about the book or the movie, I'll just shut up about it and move on.

Everybody clears the theater when one of the women's vibrators explodes, so Harley and Pam head off to get something to eat.

I hope it's a gang like the Warriors! Then they can all wear clown paint and drive around in a tiny clown car and have weapons like a bucket full of confetti and razorblades or cream pies full of nitroglycerin or seltzer bottles that shoot bullets!

Harley explains how she's going to buy another building nearby her current building. It will be the headquarters for her gang of Harley riding sexpots! And the name of the building (which was an old hotel) is The Dreamin' Seaman because Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti have the sense of humor of four eighth grade boys.

Pamela goes back to Gotham because she has to file a long overdue rape report on Clayface but she promises to come back in a week to see how badly Harley has fucked everything up and to hear Harley make a joke about washing her beaver.

And then it's time for Harley to interview her prospective assistants! I bet she hires all the women that were spotlighted last issue! And maybe a few more!

A bunch of candidates answer questions in totally hilarious ways for a few pages. One is like "I'm blind and in a wheelchair and I can smell your beaver!" And another one is all "I hate ghosts!" And another one is five girls. And another one is all "I'm a gay man and not a woman!" And another one is "I'm the super cute girl with the chopsticks in the hair from last issue so you know you're going to hire me!" And one is all "I'm the super cute Indian girl from last issue so I'll be hired too!" And one of them is all "I'm the big strappin' black lady who loves to flip people off and look super cute so I'll be hired too!" And one of them is all "I hate clowns and kill babies!" And one of them is all "I'm stuck up!" And one of them is all "ROCK AND ROLL, BITCHES!" And one of them is all "Kids are sucking my tits during the interview. Ha!" And one of them is all "I'm Syborg's niece! Tee hee!" And one of them is all "I'm pregnant Gail Simone!" And one of them is all "I can lick my own asshole!" And one of them is all "I do podcasts where I podcast and I have like so many downloads and likes and reblogs and shizzlenit!" And the last one is all "I have sores all over my body and am obsessed with death!" Woo-ee! It's gonna be tough to pick just twelve of these ladies!

And that's why Harley is going to turn off the lights and make them fight to the death for the job! Or near-death, more probably.

There's the beaver joke! Pam is going to be sorry she missed it.

When the lights go out, the Letterer John J. Hill makes an appearance to whine about how hard his job is. I might be sympathetic to his plight but on the page where the lights go out and he letters all of the Batman Fight Sound Effects for the unseen battle, he adds "FONDLE!" That's just going too far. I'll accept chaos and violence and endless murder and mayhem! But to suggest that one of these women took advantage of one of the other women when the lights were out?! That's just too much. Offense taken, sir. OFFENSE. TAKEN.

I wonder who fondled who's what? Tee hee! Maybe the blind girl accidentally groped a gay guy's nutsack.

When Harley turns the lights back on, every woman still standing gets a job! Even the gay guy!

The blind woman wasn't "still standing" at the end of the fight because she's sitting in her wheelchair but Harley hires her anyway or else she's going to face a lawsuit. And I bet Matt Murdock represents this woman. Not because she's blind and he's blind! Because he's the best Goddamned lawyer in New York! After She-hulk! Also I don't think he practices law in New York anymore. So she's probably represented by She-hulk.

Are any of DC's characters lawyers? I can't think of any! That makes me a bad comic book fan!

And here they are! Your 2015 New York Harleys!

Harley Quinn #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art is always terrific and the whimsy is always whimsical. If I were smarter, I would wax philosophical about Harley's life in this closing paragraph but I'm no good at philosophy and I used all of my sex wax on my board earlier this morning. I guess I could leave you with a Jerry Seinfeldian observation? What's the deal with French fries? They're neither French nor fried. Hmm, I think that joke needs a little more work. I hope I didn't offend anybody by it! But I've got to workshop my humor somewhere! Please be kind in your criticisms.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17

Um. Isn't this the rape scene?

So back in 1834 or whenever this movie came out, a graphic artist thought the most iconic image, the moment that could most sell this movie, is the moment Rhett Butler sweeps old Whats'ername up in his arms and hauls her up the stairs to fuck her. I suppose back when the film was made, this scene was showing a man finally taking control and putting his overly independent wife in her place. Rhett was all, "Look here! I'm tired of you talking down to me! Just because I'm good looking and have a terrifically fine mustache, that doesn't mean I'm stupid! You really should treat me better, you! Do you think you're ever going to find another man to love you? This is your last chance at true love! Sure, you're just about the most attractive woman that ever lived and holy shit those eyes and you're fiercely independent and stubborn in a life-affirming way and you've got wealth beyond imagining (at least for now), and any man would think you're just about the greatest catch in the whole world! But I'm tired of not fucking you just because you don't want to fuck me! So we're going to do it and you're going to like it like a good woman of this day and age would! You'll be all, 'Oh, Rhett! I'm so innocent and virginal and I would never put your cock in my mouth!' But you're going to, missy! I'm not spending another night out in the slave barracks raping your slaves! We're married, dagnabbit, and we're going to do the sloppy sheet dance!" And Scarlet was all, "But I don't have any more sheets because I made them into underwear!"

When I first saw Gone With the Wind, I thought Scarlet O'Hara was just the greatest character of any film ever. I still might although it's been years since I've seen the film, so I don't really know how I'd feel about it now. She knew what she wanted and she made plans to get it. I just remember wishing she would have shot Rhett in the ass on his way out the door instead of acting like she finally wanted him. Fuck that prick! She should have been standing on his shallow grave when she made the Tara speech!

Now that I've lost a bunch of readers for flippantly talking about a possible rape scene and the violent history of rape and racism in the plantation lifestyle in a nearly hundred year old movie, let's talk about how Superman was busy being a mind controlled dickhead yet again! That's right! Superman, champion of truth, justice, and the way that might be American although the people that think they're being American probably wouldn't do a thing Superman's way anymore because they're all fucking selfish pieces of shit, has once again let himself fall victim to magic brainwashing. If he can't stop this from happening, he's too dangerous to be allowed on Earth. That's the bottom line. Until he can protect himself from being used for evil, he can't protect anybody. For the good of everybody, Superman, please leave Earth posthaste.

"Frankly my dear, NRAGHH!"

Diana beats the shit out of Clark because duh. She's trained in combat her whole life while Superman has never needed to know the amount of knowledge gained from the first ten minutes in a beginner's Karate class. When you're invulnerable and raised on a farm, why do you need to learn any combat techniques? Diana is invulnerable too but she was raised in a warrior's society. So she's got the moves to kick Superman's ass while he knows how to milk a cow.

Whoa now Nellie! Let's not go throwing the H-B-derogatory-slander-slur-humiliation-word around willy-nilly! Got a slight case of the self-hatesies, do yeh?

I really find it odd that Wonder Woman is using a term like half-breed here. Peter J. Tomasi is really kind of fucking this comic book up, isn't he?

Also, should I discuss Circe's comment about Diana's "clay-baked mother"? Oh wait! I just got it. I thought maybe Hippolyta was going to be the character formed out of clay. But Circe is making a comment about how Hippolyta was turned into clay! Ouch! Burn!

Last issue Circe said she was going to have Superman kill a bunch of humans for kicks. But she seems to have changed her mind. Now she just wants to taunt Diana while Magog goes on a rampage somewhere in America. Circe gives Diana a choice: enter the portal to stop Magog or try to break the spell on Superman before it becomes permanent. Wonder Woman enters the portal because Superman can take care of himself, even if magic or Kryptonite or The Batman is involved.

Let me guess: this is where Ed Benes took over the penciling job?

Magog notices that Diana's lasso is missing when he threatens to string her up with it. That's because she left it somewhere else! Um...oh! She probably gave it to Superman to help him know the truth of who he is so that he can break Circe's spell! She's so smart and sneaky and sexually competent.

Superman breaks the spell but is unable to stop Circe because she still knows enough magic to teleport him away from her. Then she uses the H-B-serious-negative-connotations-and-historically-used-to-denigrate-and-try-to-shame-a-whole-race-of-people-word against Wonder Woman. See? That's why I mentioned Wonder Woman must be self-hating. Also, the word works in Circe's mouth because it's hateful. I don't think Wonder Woman would ever let that word pass over her tongue. And through those full, gorgeous lips. And maybe dribble out and down her chin to drip across her bare, heaving bosom. And then it would slide slowly between her...uh...where am I? I sort of got lost in a daydream there.

Superman winds up where Wonder Woman is and they break Magog's neck together.

Seriously. He may be near invulnerable but both of these heroes punching him in the chin at the same time? I don't buy it. How hard do they each know to punch so that he's knocked out but not killed when they don't know how hard the other one is punching? I suppose I'm expected to believe that Magog can only be knocked out by the combined, full strength of these two? That's one tough goatboy. That means Magog is stronger than Doomsday, right?

After Diana cleans up and Clark takes Magog (back in little boy form) to ARGUS to lock him up for life because fuck the law, Diana decides to write a series of Young Adult novels about the people that are attacked by super villains. She really plays up how the super villains are to blame so nobody ever again thinks the super heroes are to blame. And then she shows how the super heroes save every life they can because they're super awesome. Then there's a chapter where some young girl that won the Nobel Prize for poetry and is dying of cancer gets her first kiss from a teenage astronaut that solved every unsolvable math problem by the time he was eight and has one magic testicle. She's probably going to spin them off in their own series later!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't know. I make some pretty horrible jokes and never take anything seriously, so I probably shouldn't give a shit that Wonder Woman called the Animen "half-breeds." But nobody expects decency out of me! We all expect Diana to be the most decent and kind and loving person on the planet! So, man, that just really struck a chord. A bad chord! One of those chords you hear that makes your spine tingle and you grit your teeth and your spleen explodes. Truly awful and so unlike Peter's other New 52 work. Hey Pete? What the fuck is going on, dude? You need a cup of coffee or something? Maybe a nap? Go take a weekend off to recharge because you're not killing this book at all. I mean in a good way! You're totally killing this book in a bad way!

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1

This cover is so adorable that I'm having trouble expressing how adorable it is. I want to say it is come-in-my-pants adorable but even though that adequately describes the crazy high levels of adorable this is, it's also inappropriate, pervy, and possibly illegal.

I don't know why all of these comic books needed an Endgame tie-in except to maybe pad DC Comics' super fat wallet but if it means I get an extra issue of Maps Mizoguchi's Gotham Academy, I'm not going to complain too much.

I wonder how many Americans in colleges across the country wind up writing a term paper that compares Batman to Jesus Christ. It's probably so overdone. I would compare Jesus Christ to Jason Todd because Batman is God. Also the other stuff that totally fits like how Jesus was killed by The Joker and then came back to life by soaking in Lazarus's piss. I should go back to college now that I have the confidence to write the papers that I really want to write! I had one college professor tell me one time that he thought my papers were refreshing because I wasn't afraid to be funny in them. If he only knew how much I was holding back! I could have been come-in-his-pants funny!

I didn't mean I would come in his pants! Don't be gross!

This issue begins with the girls talking with each other but their voices are only in Narration Boxes. So Pom and Olive have to use each other's names to identify each other.

Maps identifies herself based on the subject matter.

All the students in Gotham Academy are camping out in the gymnasium. I could have just typed "gym" but I'm a go-getter! Pomeline, Olive, and Maps are sharing a tent and scary stories. Maps mentions an urban legend about somebody called The Custodian that stalks the campus of Gotham Academy battling monsters and unclogging toilets. I bet Maps clogs the fuck out of toilets. And not because she uses too much toilet paper! She just seems like a healthy shitter.

Pomeline takes the first scary story shift to tell the tale of The Night of The Joker! Or maybe something else. Perhaps The Noonday Joker Happenstance! Or The Morning The Joker Came For Coffee!

I get annoyed when people act overly enthusiastic about something simply to prove to everybody how they're like the biggest fan of the whatever. But there's no faking it in Maps! Her head is going to explode at the idea of hearing some scary stories. And then she might wind down with a Tunnels and Trolls solo adventure while Pom and Olive (PomOlive!) make out in their sleeping bag.

Pom's story is about a kid that fell ten cents short on the price of a Halloween mask he needed for his costume so he was forced to steal it! Why that no good business owner! I hope he pays for being the antagonist of this story! When Jimmy tried on the mask, he heard a voice say, "LOTS OF HAs!" and "You've stolen my heart, Jimmy!!" Which is odd because he'd actually stolen a mask of a face and not a heart. I wonder if it was The Joker's real face?! GASP!

And then Pom said, "And Jimmy is standing right behind you!" No wait. We're not to that shocking twist campfire ending yet.

Jimmy, frightened, decided to return the mask. But the store was empty and abandoned and full of cobwebs! Jimmy thought he would return the mask and then engage in a song with the stern yet understanding owner who was just happy that Jimmy had told the truth. Instead he found himself in a nightmare of Twilight Zonian proportions! He threw the mask away and ran home only to find the mask waiting for him in the closet! And then he buried it but he soon found it on top of his collection of fifteen dozen baseballs! So then he burned it! And the next day...he woke up with it as his own face!

BOO!

I can't wait to hear Maps's story!

Professor MacPherson hears the girls telling stories and pops in to see if any of them need some inappropriate teacher/student cuddling. Just for morale, of course! But they're all fine. And Maps even wants to hear more Joker stories. So MacPherson decides to tell her an old myth about a wandering jester from the highlands of North Scotland! And it's probably a real Joker story since The Joker is immortal! Remember? He's like Pennywise now!

Those who didn't act entertained were turned into props for his next act!

That was a pretty gruesome story for this comic book! And it totally freaks Pomeline out! But Maps is still running on scary story adrenaline and she needs another fix. So it's Olive's turn to tell a real Joker story because her mother has spent time in Arkham. If there's going to be a true Joker story tonight, it'll be this one! And you know how hard true Joker stories are to come by! I've been reading comic books for thirty years and I don't think I've read one yet!

It turns out it's not a story about how Sybil ran into The Joker during an Arkham riot at all. It's just a story from Sybil's childhood so it's probably as untrue as all the rest of them. But it doesn't even matter because The Joker isn't in it! It's just a story about a dumb kid that played Bloody Mary wrong and accidentally summoned the Candyman and then played with a Rubik's Cube that turned into the Hellraiser puzzle after he had a scary dream where Freddy Krueger chased him into Michael Myers' house where he got trapped in the attic by Jason Voorhees. Pshaw! Everybody's heard that story!

But Maps loves it anyway and declares it the best scary story ever! My favorite scary story is the one where Jesus keeps calling Peter up on the cross but the Roman guards keep kicking the ladder out from under him before he can hear what Jesus has to say. Man, that one is killer!

And as the girls tuck themselves into bed for the night, The Custodian keeps watch on the school keeping it safe from Joker-faced people! And The Custodian turns out to be...Headmaster Hammer!?! He's so much cooler than I thought!

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1 Rating: Did you all see how cute Maps was in this issue? What a doll! She's a breath of fresh breath! A wind in the willows! A cherry Pez after four lemon Pez! A Grandmaster of Flowers in a 2nd Edition game of Dungeons and Dragons! A real, living goat that actually turns the tables on that fucking Rachael Rosen! Maps! She deserves five songs and a bag of pineapple Lifesavers!

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1

Didn't Arkham already deal with Jokerface?

Hey remember in Detective Comics #15 when Clayface raped Poison Ivy and nobody fucking said "Boo!" about it? What a missed opportunity for outrage! It was even a Death in the Family tie-in! Maybe I just never saw any posts about it. It seems like something people would have been concerned about plus they would have felt righteously indignant at something DC Comics put out. Win-win!

Endgame is that story in Batman that has yet to come to a conclusion even though the first week of Convergence books shipped. I think Batman is late! I'm sure they planned it this way for some reason but I'd rather be reading Batman #40 by Scott Snyder than Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 by Frank Tieri. Frank Tieri?! Are you kidding? Didn't he take over on Deathstroke or Team 7 or something? Whatever he wrote so far in The New 52, I wasn't a fan! But then, I'm not a fan of much of anything if it doesn't involve a hand on my penis. Usually my hand but I'll take a raccoon paw with a near thumb if one is free and available.

The issue begins with Harvey Bullock interrogating some guy named Stone about something horrible that happened at Arkham Manor. Let me guess! There was a riot and a bunch of inmates escaped! Nailed it! Probably.

Oh, and this is an Endgame book so they were all Jokerized. Jokerised for my British friends.

I don't actually have any British friends. Although I do have two friends currently living in Britain! Hi Ron and Rob! Smoke a kipper for me or whatever they do over there that isn't too weird.

This is the beginning of the story! Why is Eric Border wearing an inmate's jumpsuit?

I think Stone is lying to Harvey to cover up something horrible Stone did. It's so obvious because that's what Harvey thinks too. And Harvey has a mug that says World's Greatest Detective on it.

Joker opens all the cells and throws a Joker smoke bomb that give great big grins to all of the escapees. Zsasz makes an appearance! And then Bane! And then Clayface! And then Poison Ivy! And then Mr. Freeze! It's an all star cast! All of those Arkhamites except Zsasz were unaffected by the Joker Gas and were looking to find an easy way out. So they recruited Stone to get them out of the Manor. Bane probably should have stayed inside Arkham because he's going to get his ass beat by Killer Croc on the outside. Oh wait. That's Batman Eternal not Endgame. I really need a timeline for this shit!

Also, what is Bane doing in Arkham? Isn't he more of a Blackgate kind of guy?

They try to fight their way to the exit but it's no use because STONE IS FUCKING LYING HIS ASS OFF! I just know it! Bane in Arkham? Ridiculous! When did Arkham start providing rehab?

Where is Jack Shaw when you need him?

The Joker was actually Jeremiah Arkham in a Joker wig. Stone knocks him out cold and all the Jokerized victims stop acting like crazed Jokerized victims. Were they all pretending just to get in good with The Joker? I think this Arkham riot was just a serious case of peer pressure. Bullock and the Gotham SWAT Team show up to get things under control. Which isn't something that would have happened if everybody was truly Jokerized. So I think my peer pressure theory stands.

During the ordeal, Bane and Poison Ivy and Clayface and Mr. Freeze escape. And that's why Harvey's grilling Stone because he thinks Stone helped set them free for some payola. But Harvey figures he can't prove anything and lets him go. But Jeremiah Arkham gets fitted for a straight jacket and shoved into a cell. Who's going to run this place now?

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 Rating: I don't really rate these one-shots or the annuals or any of these extraneous titles. I like that it starred Harvey Bullock. He should always be the investigator when Arkham Manor returns for more stories. And let him prove to be a great detective at times! But also one that relies on his gut too often and tends to make his own investigations harder than they need to be by ignoring the clues because his gut is all, "Don't worry about evidence, Harvey! Get me a danish! Also, that ugly fucker that looked at you squint-eyed probably did it. And even if he didn't do it, wouldn't you like to rough him up a bit, Harvey? Also, wouldn't you like to put a Kit-Kat in me? Come on! I'm stahvin' 'ere!"

Batman Eternal #52

This is the end! The end of our super fucking Goddamned long story! This is the end!

I hope every other page of this comic is a new super villain revealing that they were really behind it all! And then on the last page, Bat-mite will will reveal himself as King of Gotham! The end of Issue #50 revealed Cluemaster as the person behind all of the chaos. Then at the ending of Issue #51, Owlman (Lincoln March Version) took advantage of the situation and killed Cluemaster so that he could have a friendly chat with his brother. I'm pretty sure the last time these two saw each other, they left on friendly terms. Or it could have been the opposite of that with Lincoln March stamping his foot and yelling "Mom always loved you best!" before bursting into tears and disappearing into the sewers. I have no idea what he's been up to since then.

Here's one thing I do know that has zero chance of happening! Batman needs to take responsibility for his part in the devastation of Gotham. This was all about getting revenge on the Dark Knight. And while I'm not one to usually blame the victim, I think Batman needs to realize that perhaps killing his enemies might not be such a bad idea! What's one Cluemaster versus all of the people who died recently thanks to Cluemaster's plot? I'm not even pro-death penalty! But Batman might want to do a little soul searching before he points out to yet another person that he doesn't kill. Did his explosives that he doesn't kill with kill any police officers during this riot? Oh, you know what? I think they did! Perhaps it's irresponsible to leave dangerous weapons lying around all over the city! It's probably also not a great idea to have rockets and machine guns on your vehicles that you just spray all over the goddamned place. You know how much collateral damage he might have caused if the missiles he shot into that ghost in Gotham By Midnight #5 would have simply passed right through the ghost and into a skyscraper behind it? My god, man! Perhaps it's time to go back to just the simple, non-explosive Batarangs, you know what I mean? Take it down a notch! Breathe, buddy!

This issue begins "many months ago" so that we can see how Cluemaster got the money together to pull a scheme like this. And also who he got to work Pagemaker to get those invitations looking as boring a possible.

Anyway, it's the Night of the Owls or whatever and Cluemaster has just parked his car and is walking down the street on his phone. I haven't read any of this but I suddenly had to look a page ahead to see if Lincoln March was going to come crashing down on the hood of Cluemaster's car. That would have been a cool way for them to meet! Unless Lincoln fell on an ambulance back during the Evening of Talons. It's been awhile and I don't rightly recall all the pertinent details.

Arthur has come looking for the Court of Owls to finance his plan to destroy Batman. He's figured out that they're at Harbor House (which makes him about as good a detective as ten year old Bruce Wayne) and he pays them a visit. Too bad they're all dead already.

Ha ha! That whole "who?" thing never gets old when you're a member of the Court!

So Lincoln March becomes Cluemaster's angel investor for the Kill Batman Dead App. It turns out not to work as planned since it gets right up to the moment where Batman dies and then it crashes. So Lincoln March kills the app (and its creator) and takes matters into his own talons.

While Lincoln and Bruce go crashing off the Beacon Tower and into a video billboard, the Batfamily continues to save people from the fires. They're probably thinking that they'll be able to rest after this and not have to battle an endless waves of Jokerfied citizens. But the jokes on them because!

Everybody is doing fine except for Jason Todd who gets his ass trapped under a bunch of rubble. The building he's in is collapsing and he's not being written by Scott Lobdell so he's actually fallible. He even thinks he's in trouble instead of acting like an arrogant big shot with no fear! Maybe that's not actually Jason Todd under the mask. Or else Tynion IV doesn't know how to write him! According to all the idiots who like Lobdell's version of Red Hood and the Outlaws, they'd agree that Tynion can't write him or Harper worth shit.

Jason wants to tell Bruce something and I bet it begins with Ilo and ends with ou and has vey in the middle!

Bah! I've read this speech before, Lincoln. It's what that fucking Buster Friendly tried to pull to get everybody to stop believing in Mercerism in that book about androids counting sheep. Proving the thing they believe in isn't what they thought doesn't stop them from believing in the thing! Hell, Batman will have so many imitators once people find out that he was billionaire Bruce Wayne!

Just as Lincoln March is trying to convince himself that Batman will be forgotten (because Bruce isn't going to buy into that idea), monitors all over the city begin displaying the bat signal. And Commissioner Gordon begins speaking over the apparently city-wide sound system rigged up for...I don't know...amber alerts?

Gordon fires up a bunch of Bat-signals and asks that everybody become Batman for the night! Throw on whatever leather gear you've got lying around (except the gimp suit with the ball gag. Just...just leave that in the footlocker at the end of your bed, okay?) and rush out into the burning streets to save the day! Gordon is all, "Somebody thinks they can kill the Batman?! We're all Batman!"

I hate you Barbara. You know how Red Hood is going to thank you for saving his life? He's going to continue to appear in Scott Lobdell comic books. Ugh.

It's about time Calvin Rose turned up again. But just for a brief visit. I'm not ready to once again start reading a monthly title with him as the lead.

Talon isn't the only person helping out. There's also Batwoman and Black Canary and Katana and Killer Croc and that nobody who saves Spoiler's life and probably a lot more nobodies who decided to take Gordon literally and become Batman for the night.

Bruce Wayne is about to be killed even after Lincoln March realizes the city is a little bit more enamored with the bat than he realized. But that's when Spoiler comes back to kick his ass! Somehow. I mean, she's just a young woman and he's an immortal killing machine. But she does sucker punch him with a can of paint followed by a right hook. I bet it causes him to have a flashback to that night she walked in on Lincoln meeting with Cluemaster and his pals.

Or he just looks up and comes face to face with the entire Bat-Family. Except for Nightwing. He's dead, remember? Wink wink!

Kate's doing the Nightwing squat in honor of Dick. You'd think she'd be the last person to care about Dick, if you know what I mean! You know, because she hardly knew him.

Lincoln March escapes into the sewers where he'll probably be eaten by Killer Croc. The end!

Except it's only the end of the madness. The comic continues a week later with a few shots of Vicki Vale's ass. I should probably read the word balloons and see why she and Jason Bard are talking so much. I bet it has to do with her tight pants.

Vicki wrote an undergraduate thesis on James Joyce and then went into journalism? I hope that means something so that I sound super smart!

Jason Bard decides to come clean so that when Vicki Vale publishes the tell-all story of Jason Bard, he'll look a little bit better on account he cooperated. Plus everybody will know his name after that and he can open up a private investigations business.

And then Selina gives Batman a call on the Bat-Signal so that she can let him know, once and for all, to fuck off with his Goddamned stupid motherfucking lectures every other fucking night.

I really hope Selina's done with him but Batman keeps pining for her. That's the relationship I've wanted between these two since they fucked in Catwoman Issue #1. Why can't Batman be the chaser for awhile?

In the what about all that weird shit in Arkham epilogue, Corrigan lets Batwing know that shit is about to get freaky in Gotham for awhile thanks to all that Deacon Blackfire bullshit. He also invites Batwing to join the Midnight Shift. He obviously didn't sign up for their first adventure but now that Sister Justine has taken one for the team, there's an opening!

Barbara hangs out with her dad for awhile while Jason Todd takes a break at the best bar in Gotham City, Noonan's. He's totally pining over Babs now. What a sap!

Stephanie moves in with Harper and Cullen so that she can have awkward moments with Red Robin when he climbs though a window. He just came to check up on the news Bat-kids and to give Stephanie the only information they have on Lincoln March. They found some of his costume in the sewers but that's it. Somebody else got to him first. And since they didn't find pieces of Lincoln in his costume, it wasn't Killer Croc.

It was, of course, the Court of Owls.

One rule, Lincoln! One rule! "Do not shit where you fucking sleep!" You hike that ass up over the nest's edge and projectile shit, buddy!

Jim Gordon is no longer commissioner. Maggie Sawyer has that job now. But now Jim gets to be a vigilante and fight side by side with Batman! And Jim gets to use a gun! I wonder if Batman forces him to load it with tiny little Batarangs?

Batman Eternal #52 Rating: No change. And that's the end! Cluemaster was the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants and Lincoln March was just his financial backer. But, like most financial backers, he just couldn't keep his hands off of the project. It's too bad, really. Because that idiot Lincoln March saved Batman's life by killing Cluemaster before he could pull the trigger. Oh well. Now Lincoln March has been locked up in an ice coffin by the Court of Owls.

So what are the big changes to the Bat-Family after this year long spectacle? Jason Todd finds himself in love with Barbara Gordon. Babs may or may not love him but I bet she wouldn't mind him being her first fuck. Harper Row and Stephanie Brown are the newest additions to the little group as Bluebird and Spoiler. Red Robin and Spoiler have a flirtation beginning. Alfred lost his hand. Oh wait. That was the other big Batman thing going on. Um, Alfred's daughter has learned the ropes good enough that she can take her dad's place anytime he wants to take a vacation to Thailand. Maggie Sawyer is now the commissioner. Jason Bard is going to become a Private Eye. Selina is sick to fuck of Batman and his holier than thou attitude. She's embracing her means of helping the city which is, really, about as illegal as all the shit Batman pulls so what the fuck is his problem? I don't know where Damian was. Maybe the Batman and Robin Annual will clear up the timeline a bit.

Oh, and Gotham is fucking screwed. I hope Bruce Wayne donates a good chunk of his cash to the city to help rebuild. Wait, did he lose all of his money in this thing? Goddammit Bruce!

The Multiversity: Ultra Comics #1

Yay! I finally have a copy of a cursed comic book! Come and get me, Gentry!

This issue takes place on Earth-33 which is Earth Prime which is the fictional Earth of the DC Universe that represents the real Earth in which the DC Universe was created. I'm sure this entire plot will just be as confusing as that last sentence.

In my commentary on the first issue of The Multiversity (and a slight revisionist tweaking of them in the second issue), I pointed out that we, the readers, were going to be the heroes of this series. Because the only way the heroes could win the day and defeat The Gentry is if we continue reading the story to the ultimately heroic conclusion. That's why The Gentry want us to stop reading the comic book by writing "NOT" in big red letters on the cover of the comic book. They don't want us fucking up their plans by putting eyes to paper and setting the probable into the palpable.

I hope this is a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book! Or a Mad Lib! I want to be more than just a passive observer! I suppose I could get a pen and just draw dicks on everybody.

The issue begins with Ultra Comics telling me that he's from 38 pages and 24 hours into my future. Is that an insult? I may read slow but it doesn't take me a full day to read a forty page comic book! Asshole. He then tells me not to turn to the last page or "it's all over." Really?!

Ha ha ha! Fuck you, Ultra Comics!

Ultra also mentions that the comic book is indeed cursed. But with my help, he thinks he can stop the curse from spreading. But not the rest of you jerks! He tells the rest of you jerks not to turn the page or else your worlds will become infected too! And you don't want that because you can't handle it the way that I can. I'm a hero!

Except then some vines or centipedes or guts or something grab Ultra by the brain and he screams that the comic book is a trap called The Oblivion Machine and that I shouldn't turn the page.

I wonder if by "YOU!" he means me because I turned to the last page of the comic book when he told me not to? Maybe I'm the opposite of a hero! Whatever that is!

Ultra Comics says, "Do not turn the page for it is a trap, sir!" What do you do? If you turn the page, turn the page. If you choose not to turn the page, punch yourself in the genitals for wasting five dollars.

I choose to turn the page because I don't want to hit myself in the genitals again!

I wonder if I could have just given Grant Morrison five bucks to jerk off directly into my mouth?

Holy shit! This comic book is blowing my mind! There's a comic book character speaking directly to me! And everything he's saying is true! When I read his word balloon, it is like his voice is right in my head! And the comic book is a physical object! I've never had such a real and meaningful comic book experience in my whole entire life! Except maybe that time Groo ate some cheese dip. Ha ha! That was hilarious! Then somebody called him a mulcher and he got offended! Classic!

This guy tells me that I'm the secret identity of Ultra Comics. Me! He also says Ultra Comics has "thousands of secret identities" which kind of ruins the whole effect for me. I don't want to share this hero business with anybody with five bucks to blow on this comic book! I mean, one of those people could have been a girl! Eww!

On the next page, Ultra Comics rises out of a Four Color Printing Machine. He also has a big tube attached to his crotch because his cock must be massive! People are going to look at that and think, "Holy smokes! His secret identity must be that one guy with the massive cock!" They'll never guess it's me! I mean, they'll probably guess it's me!

Ultra Comics is all, "You can be a hero too if you just read this comic cover to cover!" But I'm all, "You just told me not to turn the page or to read the last page or to do anything, really!" And he's all, "That was probably a future version of me that doesn't know anything! Forget about him! It'll all be different somehow now!" And I'm all, "Bullshit! Comic book pages don't spontaneously change! It takes effort and a Sharpie and a lack of care for the potential future value of the comic book!"

After Ultra Comics is created, he only gets two pages to develop a history. So he saves Bruce Wayne's parents thus defeating Batman the only way he can be defeated! Then he saves Lois Lane from some Daemonites or something. Then Ultra Comics Boy Or Girl dies in a catastrophic crisis on infinite Ultra Comics unless it was just the Death in the Ultra Comics story. And then he goes all grim and modern and pulls out the intestines of some villain. He also gets an attitude with me, his secret identity! Hey buddy! I can stop reading at any time!

NO! Fuck you, Ultra Comics! FUCK. YOU. Right in the ass bone!

Ultra Comics merges with everybody reading the comic book and we all come in our pants with our various junk. He comes gushing waves of four color ink all over the floor of the lab where he was created. And suddenly he's ready to fight crime with the power of my imagination! I'm going to get him laid!

Ultra Comics heads out on his first adventure called "Out of His Box!" Since he's powered by my imagination and I want to get him laid, I Sharpie in the rest of the title: "...And Into Hers!"

The guy in the suit interrupts my comic book to tell me that Ultra Comics has been led into a trap. And then he adds that I have been led into a trap as well. Duh! I am Ultra Comics, buddy! You told me that! Why can't this guy remember what he already said?

While searching the strange, parallel world he's been sent to for his first adventure, Ultra Comics discovers he can hear his secret identities' thoughts as they read the comic book!

Oh god! I'm so embarrassed now!

Ultra Comics hasn't been led into a trap at all! He's the fucking cursed comic that's bringing the HIT (Hostile Independent Thought-form. Or a really super successful comic book) to all the other parallel worlds and/or our brains! Kill yourself, Ultra Comics! Kill yourself now!

See, it's annoying when you have somebody yelling at you to do as they say, isn't it, Ultra Comics?

I think what Ultra Comics is trying to say is that ideas are dangerous and yet we have no great security system to protect us from ideas. But he's wrong! We have the ultimate security to protect us from ideas! It's called bigotry and prejudice and close-mindedness and adamantly believing that whatever we believe is the best thing to believe!

Ultra Comics helps save a young woman from the Jussssstissssse Sssssossssssiety. That's a hissing joke because they're lizard people. I think. They might also be part spider people but I don't know what kinds of sounds spiders make because they're always drowned out by people screaming about how hideous they are.

After saving the young woman, she introduces Ultra Comics to her friends: The Neighborhood Guard! It's a bunch of kids fighting for their lives in a dystopian future where lizard people rule the wastelands! The kids have found one of Luthor's Transmatter Cube things and Ultra Comics helps deliver it to the grownups. I hope Ultra Comics doesn't wind up cursing the box and sending copies of his cursed comic books to all of the other worlds! Oh, of course that wouldn't happen. What will probably happen is Ultra Comics will talk to me some more and then blame me for cursing all of the other worlds because he's a fucking asshole that can't take responsibility for his own actions so he's going to blame the comic book readers.

The adults on this planet are all named Ultra. Even Ace Ultra from Justice League United is here! And for once somebody besides me calls him "Ace"! I really am in this comic book!

Oh, also? They're SUPER CANNIBALS!

Ultra Comics is captured so that he can be consumed by Ultraa! Ultraa was the original one and only Earth-Prime superhero who was the only survivor of a space ark that crashed into our sun. Controlled by a super computer named Maxitron, it sent Ultraa to Earth Prime to be the last survivor of his race. Eventually he was kidnapped to Earth-one by the Justice League of America because Earth-Prime just wasn't a great place for super heroes. Plus they fucked with all of our minds and erased all knowledge of him from our history! Those bastards! What gives them the right?!

Anyway, Ultraa tries to eat Ultra's brains. Instead he just eats the Crystal of Imagination! NO! That was my creativity, you...you...Oh! You you!

Ultraa prepares the Transmatter Cube and then Ultra defeats him with the power of his imagination. He's like Eddie in It with his asthma spray that becomes acid because he thinks it into being. But it's too late because one of The Gentry has started to come through the Transmatter Cube.

Well, at least it ate the dick in the suit.

Ultra battles Intellectron by trapping it inside his comic book which he claims is subject to criticism which will help defeat Intellectron. I have to say that the in-comic criticism is pretty shitty stuff. Come on, Grant Morrison! Critics aren't just mindless assholes who can only type things like, "The big bad is an egg? DER!" and "A 5-Dimensional evil egg! LOL!! DER!" and "This guy's raped my wallet way too many times! DER!" Well, that last one might be fairly accurate. Except you're being way too hard on yourself! If you meant for this to be a completely shitty comic book so that you could laugh at the people criticizing it because they helped to defeat the bad guy by criticizing it, then you fucked up because it's not that shitty! It's got Ace Ultra and Ultraa in it! That's...okay, so that's not actually great. But it is interesting? Plus super cannibals!

Wait! I shouldn't be defending this comic book because that makes me the villain! Dammit! I want to be the hero!

And then Grant Morrison calls comic books the Oblivion Machine and that they're wasting my precious life! What a jerk! How dare he...oh wait! I bet he was just talking about Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti comic books. Yeah, I agree! Total waste of my time. I couldn't describe their comic books better than "Oblivion Machine!" And I think, ultimately, the way to defeat The Gentry is to stop reading bullshit comic books and only pick up comic books written by Grant Morrison! And I'm now infected with a HIT so I'm off to get a shot of penicillin now.

Seriously though, does this mean that the Ultra Comics comic book is cursed because it lures The Gentry to any world where the comic is read but then the comic is actually a trap to catch The Gentry that is lured to the world? And then The Gentry become a comic book character for an Earth-Prime comic book where all of the readers are fucking asshole trolls who then punish The Gentry with their ridiculous criticism?