Gotham Academy: Endgame #1

This cover is so adorable that I'm having trouble expressing how adorable it is. I want to say it is come-in-my-pants adorable but even though that adequately describes the crazy high levels of adorable this is, it's also inappropriate, pervy, and possibly illegal.

I don't know why all of these comic books needed an Endgame tie-in except to maybe pad DC Comics' super fat wallet but if it means I get an extra issue of Maps Mizoguchi's Gotham Academy, I'm not going to complain too much.

I wonder how many Americans in colleges across the country wind up writing a term paper that compares Batman to Jesus Christ. It's probably so overdone. I would compare Jesus Christ to Jason Todd because Batman is God. Also the other stuff that totally fits like how Jesus was killed by The Joker and then came back to life by soaking in Lazarus's piss. I should go back to college now that I have the confidence to write the papers that I really want to write! I had one college professor tell me one time that he thought my papers were refreshing because I wasn't afraid to be funny in them. If he only knew how much I was holding back! I could have been come-in-his-pants funny!

I didn't mean I would come in his pants! Don't be gross!

This issue begins with the girls talking with each other but their voices are only in Narration Boxes. So Pom and Olive have to use each other's names to identify each other.

Maps identifies herself based on the subject matter.

All the students in Gotham Academy are camping out in the gymnasium. I could have just typed "gym" but I'm a go-getter! Pomeline, Olive, and Maps are sharing a tent and scary stories. Maps mentions an urban legend about somebody called The Custodian that stalks the campus of Gotham Academy battling monsters and unclogging toilets. I bet Maps clogs the fuck out of toilets. And not because she uses too much toilet paper! She just seems like a healthy shitter.

Pomeline takes the first scary story shift to tell the tale of The Night of The Joker! Or maybe something else. Perhaps The Noonday Joker Happenstance! Or The Morning The Joker Came For Coffee!

I get annoyed when people act overly enthusiastic about something simply to prove to everybody how they're like the biggest fan of the whatever. But there's no faking it in Maps! Her head is going to explode at the idea of hearing some scary stories. And then she might wind down with a Tunnels and Trolls solo adventure while Pom and Olive (PomOlive!) make out in their sleeping bag.

Pom's story is about a kid that fell ten cents short on the price of a Halloween mask he needed for his costume so he was forced to steal it! Why that no good business owner! I hope he pays for being the antagonist of this story! When Jimmy tried on the mask, he heard a voice say, "LOTS OF HAs!" and "You've stolen my heart, Jimmy!!" Which is odd because he'd actually stolen a mask of a face and not a heart. I wonder if it was The Joker's real face?! GASP!

And then Pom said, "And Jimmy is standing right behind you!" No wait. We're not to that shocking twist campfire ending yet.

Jimmy, frightened, decided to return the mask. But the store was empty and abandoned and full of cobwebs! Jimmy thought he would return the mask and then engage in a song with the stern yet understanding owner who was just happy that Jimmy had told the truth. Instead he found himself in a nightmare of Twilight Zonian proportions! He threw the mask away and ran home only to find the mask waiting for him in the closet! And then he buried it but he soon found it on top of his collection of fifteen dozen baseballs! So then he burned it! And the next day...he woke up with it as his own face!

BOO!

I can't wait to hear Maps's story!

Professor MacPherson hears the girls telling stories and pops in to see if any of them need some inappropriate teacher/student cuddling. Just for morale, of course! But they're all fine. And Maps even wants to hear more Joker stories. So MacPherson decides to tell her an old myth about a wandering jester from the highlands of North Scotland! And it's probably a real Joker story since The Joker is immortal! Remember? He's like Pennywise now!

Those who didn't act entertained were turned into props for his next act!

That was a pretty gruesome story for this comic book! And it totally freaks Pomeline out! But Maps is still running on scary story adrenaline and she needs another fix. So it's Olive's turn to tell a real Joker story because her mother has spent time in Arkham. If there's going to be a true Joker story tonight, it'll be this one! And you know how hard true Joker stories are to come by! I've been reading comic books for thirty years and I don't think I've read one yet!

It turns out it's not a story about how Sybil ran into The Joker during an Arkham riot at all. It's just a story from Sybil's childhood so it's probably as untrue as all the rest of them. But it doesn't even matter because The Joker isn't in it! It's just a story about a dumb kid that played Bloody Mary wrong and accidentally summoned the Candyman and then played with a Rubik's Cube that turned into the Hellraiser puzzle after he had a scary dream where Freddy Krueger chased him into Michael Myers' house where he got trapped in the attic by Jason Voorhees. Pshaw! Everybody's heard that story!

But Maps loves it anyway and declares it the best scary story ever! My favorite scary story is the one where Jesus keeps calling Peter up on the cross but the Roman guards keep kicking the ladder out from under him before he can hear what Jesus has to say. Man, that one is killer!

And as the girls tuck themselves into bed for the night, The Custodian keeps watch on the school keeping it safe from Joker-faced people! And The Custodian turns out to be...Headmaster Hammer!?! He's so much cooler than I thought!

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1 Rating: Did you all see how cute Maps was in this issue? What a doll! She's a breath of fresh breath! A wind in the willows! A cherry Pez after four lemon Pez! A Grandmaster of Flowers in a 2nd Edition game of Dungeons and Dragons! A real, living goat that actually turns the tables on that fucking Rachael Rosen! Maps! She deserves five songs and a bag of pineapple Lifesavers!

Gotham Academy #6

How many Experience Points is Batman worth? I'd say he's about a 12 Hit Dice creature.

When's the last time anybody else has gone to a Fry's Electronics? When did soft soap, candy, and body pillows become "electronics"? That place is like walking into a flea market now. My favorite display is for the digital cameras. It's more empty spaces and security wires connected to nothing then it is cameras. Who would have guessed the cell phone market would kill the digital camera market?

Last issue ended with Maps and her friends hanging out with Killer Croc as he told them funny Batman stories. But then Batman dropped in because his Bat-Ears were burning and he was all, "Lies! Take it back! I never once said Jason Todd had it coming and I in no way financed that pub calling itself the Crow Bar!"

This is what happens when you talk about Batman behind his back.

While Maps heroically leads Pomeline and Colton to safety during the Batman/Killer Croc throwdown, Olive Silverlock stays behind to manifest some super powers. She ignites Colton's fireworks with the power of her mind. That might be conclusive proof that she is the one that burned down the North Hall last summer. Or it might just be proof that she time traveled.

With the North Hall burning around them (again!) and the ceiling about to cave in on top of Olive (again!), Killer Croc scoops Olive up and heads into the secret passage that Maps bravely retreated into to make sure it was clear. Batman remains behind in the fire because nothing can kill him. The kids get split up and Olive winds up alone with Croc. That's probably a good thing because now he can tell her secret stories about her mother.

Croc's cell was right across from Sybil's but none of his stories are, sadly, about her using the toilet in her cell. Instead he just mentions that she could be scary and when she was scary, she'd talk about how Gotham Academy and Arkham Asylum were connected by more than just tunnels. They're also connected to Wayne Manor too!

Croc leaves Olive at the edge of the swamp and disappears telling her she's always welcome to come visit him. Then she heads back to school to join up with this comic book's real main character, Maps.

I wonder when Maps's secret power will be revealed?

Later Batman appears to Olive so that he can lecture her. Why is Batman the favorite of so many people? He's a douchey killjoy buttpoo. And then after his lecture when Olive thinks she gets to ask him some questions, he does the fucking disappearing act. He's such a coward!

The next day, Pomeline and Olive (PomOlive?) give their Millie Jane Cobblepot report. It's all about how Millie Jane was made a captive of Arkham to ensure that she wouldn't expose the Cobblepot family secrets. She was kept in the building that's currently the girls' dorm. She later escaped using the secret tunnels but her freedom led to her death and the death of her father. In mysterious circumstances! Also she might not have died since she wasn't buried in the Cobblepot family tomb.

Then Colton arrives with a big clue to the mysterious symbol they've been seeing everywhere. The one with the "W" on top of the "M" denoting "Wayne Manor"? Well, Maps sees Colton's "A"s on his assignment and realizes the symbol could be an "A" with another "A" inverted on top of the first one. And that could stand for Arkham Asylum! Too bad they're wrong because the symbol was already shown at Wayne Manor when it was renovated to become Arkham Manor! But they're just junior detectives who have yet to begin the Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Course like I have. And anyway, Arkham Asylum, Wayne Manor, and Gotham Academy are all linked to some greater mystery anyway, so at least they're on the right track.

I hope they call their detective club "Maps'sses Dicks."

I think instead they're calling it Pizza Club which is stupid and dumb because it isn't what I suggested.

But wait! There's one of those "meanwhiles" I love to throw around my commentaries! This one involves Damian Wayne hunting down The Diary of Millie Jane Cobblepot and taking it back from Maps'sses Dicks. He does this because it was inscribed to Bruce from his mother Martha. Aww! And I thought Bruce was just being a pushy asshole when he tried to get the diary back from Olive! But the best part about the Meanwhile Epilogue is that Damian Wayne is being enrolled in Gotham Academy! Yay!

Stay away from Maps, you ten year old pervert!

Gotham Academy #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. What a twist! I never saw the Damian thing coming! Could this book get any better or any more like an episode of Degrassi Junior High? The good series with Caitlin and Joey and Snake and Wheels and The Zit Remedy. Although I'm not a hater about the new version with Drake and all the other people whose names I've forgotten (like the kid that gets shot in an alley and the kid that shoots Jimmy and the hot girl and the other hot girl and the hot boy and Liberty and the other hot boy) since I only watched it through the one time thanks to Netflix and its old fashioned method of sending disks through the mail. Degrassi the Next Generation is good stuff too but since I grew up alongside the first series, I have to love that one more. Gotham Academy really does need a theme song that I can play each month before I read it. DC Comics, get to work on that!

Gotham Academy #5

Stop copping a feel, Mister Grey!

I just finished watching the third season of American Horror Story, "Coven." It was basically just the X-men! A school for gifted children with special powers? A headmaster that wants to teach the children to fit in and pass among the rest while another, more powerful mutant witch wants to train them to fight. At first I thought Cordelia was Charles but then she has all of those eye problems and it's obvious she's Cyclops. Her mother Fiona seemed to be Magneto but then maybe she was just Charles Xavier when he was a big jerk. He was a big jerk at some point, right? Marie Laveau later turned out to be Magneto with her Brotherhood of Evil. Plus she and Fiona were like Fremeses which is totally the Magneto/Professor X relationship. Madison was kind of like Emma Snow although Nan had all the proper mind powers. Zoe was Kitty Pryde. Kyle was, I don't know, Wolverine or Deadshot or something. The Witchhunters were kind of like X-Factor but for real and not for show. I'm sure there were more similarities, like who Queenie and Misty represented, but I don't know as much about the X-men as I should. And I probably never will since Scott Lobdell wrote so much of it in the nineties.

The biggest problem with Coven is that Maps wasn't in it. It's time to read something with Maps in it!

It turns out the escaped Arkham inmate in the walls of Olive's dorm is Killer Croc although he drops the "killer" when he introduces himself to Olive. Smart!

Oh my god, Maps! You're breaking my heart! Oh, to be young again! And fictional!

Killer Croc gets spooked by Maps'sses (is that the proper way to make her name possessive?) voice and hightails it out of the attic. Hmm, was that insensitive? Since, you know, crocodiles can't actually raise their tails? I don't mean to be insensitive! I mean, I'm not racist or anything in all the ways white people think matter when it comes to racism. Like I don't oppress and hate groups of people based on generalizations and stereotypes about their race or ethnicity or gender or sex or overall level of sexual promiscuity (unless the level is low and then why am I wasting my time, amirite?!)! But I'm pretty sure my sarcasm and cynicism make me racist in my own head! My mind can't help but Mind-Tweet career ending comments at my own behaviors and actions whenever I deal with anybody. It's just that when my mind adds hilarious commentary about a white person, I don't think, "Fuck, dude, that was wrong." So when an old girlfriend of mine once told an extremely old lady who had just had hip surgery that it will be worth it in the long run, my mind goes, "Never say 'in the long run' to an old person!" A couple of nights ago, I was cleaning the floor of a grocery store which is closed. But a delivery guy comes by to drop off fruits and veg while I'm there. As he was leaving, I told him to feel free to move my ramp if it's ever blocking his way. Then he left and I thought, "Hmm, should I have used the phrase 'feel free' to a black guy?" I blame the media for my racism!

Didn't I say she'd only be concerned about how many experience points he was worth? Okay, she's pretty concerned about its Treasure Type as well. I didn't realize Maps was such a gold-digger.

As Olive and Maps continue to explore, Maps fantasizes about finding a treasure chest or a gelatinous cube. Maps would have been so in love with my junior high school self!

Eventually they find themselves in a large antechamber (unless it's just a chamber!) with the Wayne Manor insignia carved into the floor and doors leading in every compass direction. They hear some movement to the north but it leads to a blocked passage under the North Hall. Olive decides to call the expedition for the night and Maps places a question mark and a little doodle of a collapsed passage on her map before heading back to the dorms.

The next day, they regroup in Maps'sses room to brief their new party members, Pomeline and Colton.

I was wrong about the question mark but look at the collapsed passage! I think Maps and I are soulmates!

While they're making plans, Kyle, Olive's ex and Maps'sses brother, butts in.

Literally! Who enters a room this way?

Kyle acts all pissy that Olive might be putting Maps in danger by taking her on dungeon expeditions of the North Hall because he apparently doesn't know his sister at all. But Olive changes the subject and asks Kyle to the school dance even though she has hot pants for The Guy Who Reads. But taking Kyle to the dance is just her cover! Pomeline's cover is Heathcliff and Maps'sses cover is her roommate Katherine who has a bit of an Alice in Wonderland vibe going on. I think that whole dorm room is just full of win!

The adventurers ditch their dates as quickly as possible and head out on their expedition to find Killer Croc and ask him about Olive's mother. And if they happen to find a few potions and magic weapons, that's just gravy. And experience points for treasure found, of course!

Before they can set out, they need to retrieve Colton's thieves tools. Their first hurdle is a locked door to Hammer's office that can only be answered by finding the right combination on a rune lock.

I can't believe Maps missed the mimic! She'd be so disappointed! Also, Pomeline drops a Ghostbusters' reference on the next panel. She might be a bit geekier than she lets on!

Maps opens the lock easily because she knows her runes just like I do! I once had a dungeon master in high school (Welson Niggins! Friend of Soy Rakelson!) draw up a map for our party and he labeled a bunch of places with the runes used for Dwarfish in Tolkein's books. I took the map and began reading the place names as he looked on in surprise that such a cool looking dude as me could read runes. I'd learned them from the map that came with Ultima III!

I know all the stories I tell about my life make it sound like I looked exactly like the kind of person that would be able to read runes. But I offer this abridged, mostly true story in defense of my Cooleptitude! One time at a party, I flipped back my hair and said, "Hi, my name's Tess." And later that night, women (maybe just a woman) were (was?) yanking down my pants in front of a library near the house we'd been in earlier. I probably have tons more proof like that but I don't want to brag or make them up right now. I mean try to remember them.

Once past the door, the party of adventurers raid the place and pick out the weapons that will help establish their characters for the campaign to come.

See? Maps knows the importance of this initial outfitting ritual.

After they're all outfitted, they head to the Girls' Dormitory to slip back into the secret passageway. But before they can get there, Olive has a completely separate adventure all on her own! Or while the others watch from a distance? Anyway, she sees a Man-bat flying through the sky and brings it down with her new crossbow that she should probably name Batfeller. I'm super excited to see Man-bat shot out of the sky until it's revealed that he's not dead and that he's also The Guy Who Reads. He points out the obvious, that he has the Langstrom Virus, and then tells Olive about a day in the summer when he first saw her.

That's the perfect ice breaker! "When I first saw you, I witnessed you burn down a school. Now kiss me!"

Angsty Teenaged Boy-bat (Tristan is going to get a lot of nicknames as I avoid calling him anything but Tristan Grey) rescued Olive from the fire and then Old Lady MacPherson took her to the infirmary and asked The Guy Who Reads if he could keep an eye on Olive. And he said "I'll keep more than an eye on her!" while waggling an imaginary cigar.

Maps comes running out of nowhere and manages to scare away yet another monster worth valuable XP. Apparently Olive did lose the rest of her group as she went on her Man-boy adventure.

I don't think there's enough comic left for a dungeon crawl. Maybe just a page or two to cover Kyle's anger when he realizes he's been ditched at the Valentine's Day Dance.

Except fuck Kyle and the dance apparently because the action picks up with the party crawling up out of the pit and into the North Hall where they lure Killer Croc to them with snack cakes! Killer Croc tells some good stories about how he threw rocks at Batman and how he almost bit Batman's balls off and how the new Robin totally almost killed him like eighteen times already. Everybody is having a good time and just as he begins to open up about Sybil Silverlock and her knowledge of secret tunnels connecting Arkham with Gotham Academy, Batbuzzkilljoywrecker crashes the party. Fuck you, Batman! Aren't you in enough books each month?!

Gotham Academy #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've always wanted a DC Comic book that combines all of my favorite things like the DC Universe and Dungeons and Dragons and Degrassi Junior High and Sailor Moon all in one package. Now if this comic book were sold with a free package of Oreos, it would be the most perfect thing ever.

Gotham Academy #4

Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps!

Previously in Maps Goes To Gotham Academy With A Bunch Of Other Characters That Don't Matter Except Maybe Pomeline Fritch Because I Can Remember Her Full Name For Some Reason. Maybe it's because I really like this comic book! I also know Maps Mizoguchi and Olive Silverlock! And Kyle Mizoguchi but that's cheating because he has the same last name as the best character in all of comicdom so how could I ever forget it?

So far, Maps has been having a lot of scary adventures with her friend Olive. They've hunted ghosts and played Dungeons and Dragons and broke into the North Hall where they were forbidden to go and hung from a rope which interrupted Bruce Wayne's rich guy speech to the school. She's also invented the next huge catch phrase: "Oh my crap!" I'm waiting for Maps to get her own comic book now, DC. Don't make me start writing serious fan fiction!

This issue does not begin with Olive Silverlock's funeral for some reason. She was grabbed by a monster inside the North Hall when last issue ended but now she and her love interest, Pomeline Fritch, are standing outside of the North Hall's crime scene remembering how Olive didn't die. I hate when comic books begin with minor characters. Let's see what Maps is up to!

Olive is called into the Headmaster's office for mysterious reasons. She's probably going to be told that her mother escaped from Arkham Manor! Although that happened in the snow and it doesn't look like it's been snowing lately at Gotham Academy. So maybe that won't happen for a few issues yet. While waiting for the Headmaster to yell at her, she witnesses Bruce Wayne and Isla MacPherson talking about their date from the other night. So I guess Bruce Wayne has been sexing it up since Natalya's death! Maybe they're not discussing a date but it really seems like Bruce is trying to apologize for being such a greedy, selfish lover and Isla is trying to just forget the entire experience. Before Olive can hear any sweet details, Headmaster Hammer Head nearly scares the shit out of her. Why does he have to look so creepy? Doesn't he know Gotham Academy looks like the kind of place where creepy old man monsters roam the halls looking for sweet, young innocent flesh? Hmm, that describes every high school in America, I think!

Olive has also been noticing a symbol that looks like somebody typed an "A" on a typewriter and then moved the carriage back one space and typed a "V" over the "A" and then moved the carriage back one space and typed an "O" on top of that. What it is is a "W" on top of an "M" which is the symbol for Wayne Manor as seen in Arkham Manor when the workers were converting the place into an asylum. One of the workers just knocked the ends off of the "W" to turn it into an "A" and voila! Arkham Manor!

Oh look! It's the guy who reads!

The Guy Who Reads knows Olive. It seems he helped her over the summer which is still fuzzy in her memory. She should go ask Maps what Maps knows about him because Maps! She hasn't even been in this yet!

Oh wait! I just turned the page and there she was! Best character ever!

I hope Wizards of the Coast doesn't sue over this! I guess as long as Maps doesn't also paint a Mind Flayer and a Rust Monster, she'll be okay.

Eric, the boy who had better stay away from Maps if he knows what's good for him, is also in Maps's painting class. Apparently Maps and Olive saw the symbol in his sketchbook, so they head over to make him really uncomfortable in that way that only teenaged boys can feel uncomfortable when two cute girls approach him out of nowhere and want to talk to him and he didn't have any time to prepare what he should say so the only authentic response becomes to run away screaming.

Sigh. Maps is perfect! Except for the part where Eric's painting looks nothing like Tiamat. But I'll just blame Karl Kerschl for not getting that detail correct! Maps would never get a Tiamat fact wrong!

Even before the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon made the Dungeons and Dragons version of Tiamat a household name, I bet every Dungeons and Dragons Campaign in the late seventies and early eighties culminated in a battle against Tiamat (if not Orcus or Demogorgon or Juiblex).

Eric leaves a scattering of script pages to Macbeth in his wake as he flees from the attention of the cute girls. So Olive and Maps decide to stake out the drama nerds. They discover Eric designs the props and trap him in the backroom so they can get some answers out of him. Eric panics and tells them everywhere on campus that he's seen the symbol. One of them is in the girls' dorm, so Maps and Olive prepare to explore it by getting their fifty feet of rope, their ten foot pole, their iron spikes, and their iron rations together for the journey.

Also torches! They probably need torches! Fuck, I always forget the torches and then the Dungeon Master is all, "You can't see anything." And then I'm all, "But I'm an elf! I have infravision!" And then he scoffs and says, "That hardly works here in the cold depths of a forgotten barrow!" And then we spend another hour role playing going back into town to buy torches and a tinder box because fuck you, Dungeon Master, you won't laugh at me again when I can't light the torches!

While packing, Maps and Olive have a run in with the Ghost of Millie Jane! Oh my crap!

It's just a puppet operated by Heathcliff.

Olive catches Heathcliff on the roof and agrees not to tell Pomeline if he'll just knock it off. He was doing it to make Pomeline happy about summoning the ghost and not just being mean by trying to fool her. But now Olive and Heathcliff have a shared secret which will bring them closer! Pomeline isn't going to like this much.

Pomeline especially isn't going to like these mild flirtations!

Is giving the Guy Who Reads the name of "Grey" a good choice in the current Fifty Shades of Grey pop culture climate? Maybe Cloonan and Fletcher want us to make that association. They must, right? Who wouldn't? And is the name of the book "Fifty" or "50"? Do I really care? No, I don't really care.

On her way back to her dorm room, Olive stumbles upon the symbol and presses it, opening up a secret passage. Which she ventures into without her provisions or Maps! That's a bad idea! Maps is never going to forgive her for this insolence! Maps is the dungeon delving expert!

Sure, Olive breaks the window and leaves Maps to clean up while she goes gallivanting inside the walls. Typical!

While Olive waits for Maps to join her inside the walls, she runs into the monster that grabbed her leg last issue. He's a big blue version of Killer Croc! Unless he's just Karl Kerschl's version of Killer Croc bathed in blue light. Whoever he is, he has a picture of Olive and her mother taped to the wall by his makeshift bed. Olive realizes he's an escapee from Arkham and empathizes with him. She says she won't tell anybody that he's living in the walls but she also wants to know what he knows about her mother. Hopefully she'll get some answers out of him before Maps arrives and tries to kill him for two hundred experience points.

Gotham Academy #4 Rating: +1 Ranking because Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps! I really like Maps!