Batman Eternal #46

Fuck Ra's. He's more boring than Hush.

I'm not in the mood for your shit, Ra's al Ghul. So just say your piece by acting superior, point out to Batman that you're not behind all the bullshit in Gotham but even so, you certainly weren't going to fucking pass up the Wayne Enterprises Fire Sale when you saw all of their corporate assets suddenly listed on richassholes.craigslist.org.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy in her summer greenhouse talking to orchids. Unless that's Harley Quinn's vagina in her hand. No, no. It's definitely an orchid. I don't know why this scene begins the comic book. So that Poison Ivy fans know that Pam made it out of Gotham safely? Or is this just foreshadowing of a big Batman versus Poison Ivy arc in the pages of Batman which will take place after Batman Eternal is over? Poison Ivy isn't even wearing anything sexy. "What use is this scene?" comic book fans everywhere ask their limp dicks and their parched vaginas.
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Judging by the credits page, it looks like Poison Ivy might get more story on pages 7, 8, 17, and 20!

This issue is called "Batman... eternal?" because somebody thinks they're being clever.

Meanwhile, Batman is hunting down Ra's al Ghul because Batman found a bunch of clues. And being the World's Greatest Detective, he sometimes believes that he only ever finds clues and never ever finds red herrings. But I think he's on the wrong track this time. Ra's al Ghul as the big enemy? Pshaw! That's as obvious as finding raccoon turds in the kindergarten sand box.

Watch how you use this word correctly, boys and girls: "He can't mean that literally! Can he?!"

Look, what the fuck do I care? You can all keep on saying stupid shit like "I literally ate a candy bar two hours ago" or "I literally exploded from too much candy." It's literally no skin off my back.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Penitentiary, some inmate tries to pick up Selina Kyle as she passes through by saying, "Are those space pants you're wearing? 'cuz your..." but then he's cut off before he can finish. I assume the end of that line is "Because your ass can't breathe in a vacuum." My favorite pickup line is "Just touch it. Come on. Please."

Selina just ignores him because she has business with her father, Rex "Leo the Lion" Calabrese. But it's boring business so let's move on to Hush and Julia's scene.

Does Julia give Hush fresh bandages every day? Why does he need to keep his face wrapped? Did he cut off his face too?

Back in Pakistan, Ra's al Ghul proves that after living for centuries, the only thing left to say are cliches. So when Batman asks where Ra's al Ghul is, Ra's al Ghul cleverly responds, "Where I am is no longer the question. The question is...when? Ho ho ho hee hee hee. I'm so fucking clever and smarmy and evil." Ra's declares that they are now in Batman's future. So I guess Ra's built a silly funhouse to impress his favorite guest? Animatronic versions of possible future Batmans come sailing into the room on rails while Ra's describes them all for him. "Who will the future Batman be, hmm? Will you be replaced by a monkey bent on vengeance and banana lust? No? Perhaps a wee little teenaged girl with the first actual documented case of penis envy (it's a long story which I've been writing whenever I get a little bit of free time away from world domination)? Perhaps the future you will be my grandson? It will be, right? You're going to do right by that kid and not just abandon him, right! And while we're on the subject of Damian, I've got these cute little boots for him and a scabbard with a demon's head I knitted for him! Do you think he'll like it?"

Once Batman realizes he's just tripping in Ra's al Ghul's Funhouse of Bat-Terror, he notices Mr. Darrk and Lord Death Man have joined him.

I don't know what it is. I'm sure Lord Death Man gets on some people's nerves but I find I never can get enough of him. "Sally Batman"! Oh, that's rich.

Hmm. I think I'm beginning to have an inkling why I can't get enough of him. He's all, "I'm fucking wacky!" And I'm all, "Ha ha! You are, Lord Death Man! You are!"

I wasn't really feeling very good when I began this commentary but Lord Death Man has really picked up my spirits. I'm ready to go out and face the world now! Too bad it's one-thirty in the morning and there's no world to really face. Unless I want to go interact with a bunch of drunks down the street at Mulligan's.

After Batman breaks all of Lord Death Man's breakable body parts, Mister Darrk drags Lord Death Man back to his recuperation room while Ra's al Ghul gets to tell Batman that his detective work has been pretty fucking shoddy. As I pointed out earlier, he's not behind the destruction of Gotham City. If he were involved, at the very least, the Invitations would have been printed with a much fancier font.

He followed the clues! He found them all! Every last clue was his! But alas they were not clues at all. They were the humble red herrings! The humblest fish of them all! And also the detective's worst enemy.

Back in Blackgate, Rex digs up some dirt on the party being thrown in Gotham. Turns out all the local mentally ill ex-residents of Arkham have an angel. Their angel has purchased loads and loads of goodies to help them celebrate with Batman. Poison Ivy is one of them which is why she's cut down her Harley Quinn Vagina Orchids and planted a bunch of Crying Death Mask Lotus Blossoms instead.

Batman Eternal #46 Rating: No change. I was feeling rather shitty before reading this and now I'm feeling slightly less than shitty. The only problem is World's End is next and that knowledge is bringing my mood back down! Would anybody mind if my World's End #20 commentary wound up being a snapshot of it burning in a waste receptacle? I could go the extra mile and just get a picture of me taking a shit on it but I'd need another person to snap that photo and I don't think anybody wants to witness that.

Futures End #42

And lo, on the third day, Mega-Brainiac vomited forth upon Ray Palmer's face all of the universes to ever exist. And He wiped his mouth, and let out a tiny burp, and He saw that it was good.

Things are getting so exciting now that I'm not even going to write any poetry! Especially since I ended that line with the word poetry and no words in the English language rhyme with poetry! It's a fact!

Now everybody is thinking up words to rhyme with poetry. Let it go, nerds! Let it go! It was a fucking joke, okay?! You don't have to prove how smart you are by making up a rhyme. Just remember the people of Hallmark make up rhymes every single day and they only hire sentimental nitwits.

Mega-Brainiac should know better than to eat shrimp from a discount buffet. I wonder if pink light is shooting out of his asshole too?

Cyborg, how many times have you seen The Atom obliterated only to learn later that he did what he always does and shrunk down to microscopic size to escape danger? You probably have folder after folder of MPEGs littering your mental desktop all labeled Atom's Escapes. And yet, once again, you believe he's been killed. And Hawkman! How many times has Hawkman died now? I'm the one who keeps falling for that fake death. Every time he dies, I get super excited that I won't have to read another Hawkman story and then the Nth metal brings him back to life. I'm so sick of it!

Man, I sure hope he's really dead this time!

Cyborg tells Equinox to freeze Mega-Brainiac, as if she has any other super powered choices. And then he tells Dawnstar and Wildfire to retreat because they're boring up the page. And then Cyborg decides he's the baddest ass on the body and he declares, "I've got this." Fucking tough guy now, eh?!

Meanwhile in New York, Shazam puts an end to his reenactment of DC Comics Presents #33.

This is nearly exactly what it was like in Futures End when Superman found Billy masquerading as himself. Except for the Mile High Comics watermark!

After Shazam puts his old costume back on, he's ready to team up with Superman to save New York from Mega-Brainiac. But since this is a Futures End comic book, we have to flip through five or six more plots before we can get back to Superman and Shazam and see how they save New York.

The first plot digression involves Batman confronting Mister Terrific. Michael Holt has obviously gone insane because he's bragging about having spoken with God. What happened to the big bad atheist?! Did he finally realize being an atheist in a comic book is about as dumb as believing in God in real life? There's just too much proof in comic books to deny the existence of some kind of heavenly being. Okay, maybe the angels and devils and gods that appear in comic books are really just super advanced robots made from alien technology. And maybe all of the sorceresses and magicians are really just scientists on the cutting edge of scientific breakthroughs and wild, unquantifiable theories. And maybe when Batman went to Heaven, he was really just in an extra-dimensional theme park. I mean, imagine if a raccoon were set loose in Dollywood! It wouldn't be able to comprehend what it was seeing but it sure would think it was in heaven with all the churro bits lying around.

Surprise! Only a recently hacked, virus laden Engineer would fall for this old trick!

Now that The Atom is entering Brainiac's face, are we finally going to get that scene with Tara Markov in it?! Hurry up and get to some Preboot Universe shit, Futures End!

The Atom zips by a bunch of images of everybody's Preboot origins and a few other scenes, like the cover of The Flash #123 and Terra peeing in the bushes on a camping trip or something. But The Atom is absorbing too much information too quickly and it's making his face fall off! Don't die yet, Ray! At least rescue Preboot Lobo!

Oh hey! You can stop right there, Ray! Pull Hitman out of there before he's killed!

The Atom finds The Engineer at the center of Mega-Brainiac's skull. Her body is simply processing information and The Atom decides that it's probably a good idea to cut her free. And it probably is because then she'll leak Preboot information all over The New 52 and DC Comics will be like Reese's Peanut Butter cups! "You got your New 52 in my Preboot!" "You got your Preboot in my New 52!" And then both people grab up a piece of chocolate coated in peanut butter and slurp up each other's germs. Gross.

Atom removes The Engineer from Mega-Brainiac's skull and it shuts down the ship and the Pink Manhattan Transfer. Baby Mega-Brainiaczilla, realizing his scheme has been terminated, begins pitching a fucking fit. In the chaos and destruction, Lois Lane stumbles upon an unconscious Superman, knocked silly by Baby Mega-Brainiaczilla. Unless, I guess, this is just Mega-Brainiac. I suppose that was just his ship he left in orbit with The Engineer in charge. That was a bad idea. She's constantly switching sides.

I've been ignoring Terry McBatman as he battles Joker McBatman because they're just jumping around chasing each other. But with the help of A.L.F.R.E.D., Terry McBatman lures Joker McBatman into the path of one of Brainiac's pink uSpheres, smashing the everloving hell out of Joker McBatman's face. And that's when Brother Eye decides to come out of retirement and declare himself the savior of everybody. I bet that is going to piss off Fifty Sue.

Futures End #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. Whether or not I liked this issue doesn't matter. I have to drop it one rank because I increased its rank by two last week because two people died. I figured it wouldn't stick but I had to hope! I'm truly an optimist! At least I am when I say I am and decide to lie to everybody. But now only Hawkman is dead and I bet even he'll be back soon. There can't be many issues of this thing left, right? It's got to end when the weekly Convergence title begins, right?

Justice League United #9

What does Harley have against Justice League United? Is she anti-Canada like the rest of us?

Hey Canadians? You don't mind if I make fun of you guys, do you? Since we all know you're all really polite and likeable, it should be obvious that I don't really have anything against you. But sometimes it's fun to make fun of other people simply because of where they're born and you guys are really the only ones left which works in a humorous way. If I make fun of Americans, I actually mean it because I am American and I've been in the same locker room as America for forty years and I've seen its dirty asshole and it's fucking disgusting. And I can't make fun of Britain because they're irrelevant to the world at large now. And I can't make fun of Germany because they're on their best behavior and I probably shouldn't provoke them. You know, just in case. And I can't make fun of France because they're all better than me, being American and all. And I can't make fun of the Fjordick countries (you know? the Nordic ones with fjords that look like dicks?) because they've got like the biggest happiness index of any country in the history of countries and it would just look like petty jealousy and envy if I made fun of them (which it would be). And I can't make fun of any other countries because they're not white and I am white and that would look horribly racist. So Canada is the only country left which I can poke fun at in a good-natured, heartfelt, no offense meant kind of way, right? But I need to ask your permission first because I don't want to be a douchebag about it! So any Canadians out there reading this, send me a message giving me your approval to turn Canada into my lovable spittoon! Don't send me any mean messages though because I'm quite sensitive.

I might be a little bit bitter while writing this commentary because this issue was supposed to be the final issue of The Infinitus Saga but it was extended last issue. So now I have to read another issue of poorly written time travel starring the Legion of Super-heroes! Thanks a lot, Jeff Lemire! Although I'm sure it was DC's fault with their whole Convolution Event happening in April and May. You probably figured it would be better to extend this story by one month than to start a new story in March which would be interrupted by Convalescence.

Who can remember all of these characters?!

Infinitus has been birthed from a cosmic asshole created by Byth. Now it us up to all of those faces to defeat Infinitus and save the universe! Or they could just let him go and destroy the future. Then they can change the present so that some other future occurs and Infinitus disappears in the now non-existent future! Why am I not leading this team?!

Inside Byth's Cosmic Asshole, Supergirl battles Byth to regain control of Ace Ultra. Ace Ultra is the mind creating and controlling Infinitus, so if somebody can just put him on a time-out, everything should be okay. Byth and Supergirl have a Buffy moment but nobody rhymes "regal" with "illegal."

Wait. What?! Sixteen?! But sixteen in Kryptonian years is twenty-four in Earth years, right?!

Byth mistakes Supergirl's greeting for violence which is totally understandable because it seems only on Krypton did people greet each other with a punch to the jaw. Or maybe it's only Supergirl's misunderstanding of Earth culture since Superman never punches people in the face when he just meets them. Of course, he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and they never punched anything ever. Anyway, Byth decides to show Supergirl his true face which is basically an asshole with teeth.

Besides Infinitus and Byth, a bunch of fiery space wraiths have appeared and are attacking Thanagar. Mostly they're here because the Legion has too many members to participate in the Infinitus fight, so Lemire sends them on a wild fiery wraith chase. Animal Man and Green Arrow and Alanna Strange also go along because how effective are they going to be in a huge space battle?

Turns out they're really not that useful in planetary defense either.

Brainiac5 has created a weapon he's named The Infinitus Bomb because he lacks creativity and imagination. But he does have a 12th Level Intellect! Too bad he didn't have a 13th Level Intellect because he apparently miscalculated his time travel word problems. Instead of saving the future, he's only doomed everybody in the present as well. Infinitus is about to be born not in the 31st century but in the 21st century. And only his Infinitus Bomb can stop Infinitus. But before he can launch it, Martian Manhunter must enter Byth's Cosmic Butthole to save Supergirl and Ace Ultra.

Using some of the various Legion powers in combinations that have probably never been used before because there are just so Goddamned many of them, the Legion and the Justice League United rescue Supergirl and get Byth to surrender. Now they just need to get Ace Ultra to stop Infinitusiting up the universe.

Oh. Okay. That was easy.

At this point, Brainiac 5 is beginning to wish he had a 14 Level Intellect because he launches the Infinitus Bomb just as the target disappears. Whoops! Now who's the big fucking asshole who's doomed them all?!

The bomb opens up a black hole which begins sucking everybody inside and gives Justice League United an excuse to continue this story for one more issue.

Justice League United #9 Rating: No change. Will the black hole tie in to the Convocation Event in April? Or will it just crush every member of the Legion of Super-heroes except for Dawnstar and Wildfire who will eventually join the Justice League? Or maybe Wildfire will save them all since his containment suit was torn and now he's just some kind of free floating energy vortex that might have the power to reverse the gravity on a black hole. Or maybe Gates can just zap it to some barren space on the edge of the universe! Or maybe Colossal Boy can grab it and throw it into a bigger black hole? Or maybe Duplicate Damsel (or Triplicate Lass?) can create a string of herselves to use as a chain to pull everybody out of the black hole's range? Or maybe Polar Boy can make a big ice block around it (with Equinox's help, of course!)? Or maybe Mon-el can punch it into teeny tiny less dense bits of dust? Or maybe Phantom Girl can grab everybody in a big bear hug and phase them all through it, using the black hole's gravity to launch them out the other side? Or maybe Martian Manhunter can read its mind and find out its motivations? Or maybe Green Arrow can hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow while Animal Man chirps like a Bluebird? Or maybe Ultra-Kid can throw Bouncing Guy as hard as he can into the Black Hole which Bouncing Guy will bounce off of, sending the black hole careening into deep space while he bounces back out of its gravity well? Or maybe Invisible Kid can eat a baguette and say, "Mon friere!" Unless you spell French differently than that. Or maybe all of the others can do something with their super unique and special powers!

Green Lantern Corps #39

Oh no! What's his name is in trouble!

I've been staring at the cover of Green Lantern Corps #39 off and on for over twelve hours now. Sort of. I mean, I slept for part of that time. But I was thinking about the book because I can't get past an image in my head and just begin reading and commenting on the book. I want to take a big black Sharpie and draw a cartoon version of John Stewart standing with his hands on his hips and looking out at the viewer. He would say something about knowing he wanted to be an architect because he found so much joy in drawing dungeon layouts for the Dungeons and Dragons games he ran throughout junior high. Behind him and his speech bubble, still in dark black ink, would be an intricate dungeon layout on graph paper with numbered rooms, an ornamental compass rose, and tiny monsters drawn here and there. So that image, an image I know I would fail to draw to my satisfaction, has been clogging up the neural pathways. You see, when I get an idea into my head, I need to pursue it. It's why some of my commentaries are in weird or offensive voices at times, or why a few, here or there, might not make much sense to anybody but me and the driving need in my brain. I'm hoping that talking this out will get me past it but my brain keeps trying to make the idea more and more complex.

Brain: "Wait. Get this. What if you draw a maze with lots of little rooms which can be clicked on to open a new window with a short story about one of the Green Lantern Corps members relating to decisions they've made within this issue?"
Me (which is somehow different from my brain. Some of you understand): "No. That's too much work and most of the people visiting the page won't even notice that you can click on different parts of the image for different links."
Brain: "Bullshit! People know how the web works!"
Me: "Right. That's why nobody ever figured out how my Superball Web Comic worked so I just abandoned it almost immediately after I created it."
Brain: "Bah! That was over a decade ago! Web uses are smarter now!"
Me: "Seriously, Brain? You're an idiot. If anything, they're less savvy because they browse everything on tiny screens and expect UIs to take their hand, put it on their genitalia, and move it around in a rapid, somewhat erotic manner. If a website doesn't do everything for them, they blame the fucking creator instead of their own limited imagination."
Brain: "You're lazy."
Me: "Fuck you! Eat a bullet!"
Brain: "You don't have the guts!"
Me: "I know. Bastard. Just wait until I'm motivated enough to get some anti-psychotics. That'll fucking teach you."
Brain: "Come on now! Let's be cool. Just draw that Stewart picture with the dungeon behind him and we'll go get some Oreos, okay? Would you like that? Some nice, fat Double Stuf Oreos?"
Me: "Well...okay."

"See, brain? This is why I didn't want to do it! There's no payoff! Now give me my fucking Oreos, bitch."

Forget the Oreos! Just having the weight of needing to do that gone from my head is all the reward I need. Life sure would be simpler if my brain would stop coming up with stupid shit to do.

Meanwhile on the planet Zarox, a bunch of Green Lantern Corps member whose names I should learn go about Green Lantern Corps business. Actually, I know most of their names and one or two personality traits. There's Jruk, the one-armed warrior monster from the planet Killdeathmaim. And there's Feska, the mother and thief from Zarox. And there's John Stewart, architect and Dungeons and Dragons nerd. And there's the little pink guy that doesn't talk which is probably why I forgot his name. He's super into philosophy but not very into gossip and he loves to not say anything. People at parties are always, "Who's the little pink guy? He's so mysterious! And he looks like a Tic Tac. I bet he's got one of those super thick Coke can cocks, right?" Is that how people talk at parties?

Oh, that's bullshit, Grandmother Feska. That's just the standard, old person rigmarole! "Things were better in my day when we shamed people into all acting exactly alike and never discussed the rights of the slaves we kept and also we castrated nine out of every ten boys when they were born. So much better, those days!"

Feska's son says the monsters are to blame for turning all of the Zaroxians into "Darkness Falls" spouting zombies. She tells her son that there are no such things as monsters as she uses her ring to turn Jruk into a cute little kitten. Depending on how racist Feska's son is, Feska might also turn John's skin pink. "See? No monsters in here," she says as she slaps Maro's hand away from his pants as he tries to unleash his trouser Kraken.

I didn't spontaneously remember Maro's name. I had to consult Lord Google to figure it out because "slaps the pink mute guy's hand away" didn't work as well as just using his name.

As soon as Feska tells her son that their are no monsters, an Owlbear crashes through the wall. Typical. I mean, you give an Owlbear an opening like that, no saving throw in the rules will stop her from taking it.

Grandmother is killed in the attacks and Feska can't help feeling a little bit relieved that she's not going to have to pay for her care anymore and then she feels guilty and then she feels annoyed that she's going to have to find a new caretaker for her son and then she feels guilty again. You know, the standard emotions when a parent dies. Also, Maro is kidnapped by the Owlbears. What can they say? They love Coke!

"Again!" Or what about, "Unless it's by my own hands!"

Meanwhile on the moon above Ungara, Green Lanterns: The Lost Army continues to prelude up the place. Maybe. It might be something altogether different, actually. Daggle finally finds his old partner acting as a slave master overseeing a mysterious building project. Probably a new color Lantern Corps! I'm hoping for a Fuchsia Corps!

It seems the Shadow Empire (hey! Those are the same guys on Zarox! Coincidence?!) is building a contraption to spread shadow seeds all over the universe. The Shadow Empire is run by a woman that was poisoned by the Inversions to bring the Empire of Tears back to fruition. The woman was saved by Abin Sur and taken back to Ungara where she began to resurrect the Empire of Tears. I guess that's a bad thing. I mean, the Guardians fought a long war against them, so maybe the Empire of Tears are the good guys? It's sometimes hard to tell which side, good or evil, the Guardians support in any conflict.

Back on Zarox, Stewart wills up a light construct of something he's quite familiar with from years as an architect: a double headed lower back "massager." Leaning over the drawing table really does a number on the lower back. Just ask Mike Brady.

Once underground, the group are attacked by more Owlbears. That's when John Stewart creates a few more contraptions he's quite familiar with: a Gatling strap-on and an over the shoulder dildo holder.

Shoulder mounted pocket rocket?

My entire office smells like Sharpie now. Huff on that, Brain!

As you can see, this is one of those times when John Stewart deems killing is okay. I don't know how he decides when it's okay and when it's not. It must be a very tricky equation because most of the situations all seem the same to me. Sometimes he meets up with an incomprehensible alien and he decides it's just an incomprehensible alien that shouldn't be killed. Sometimes he meets up with an incomprehensible alien and he decides it's a slavering, growling monster that needs to be put down before it kills again!

Stewart and his Lanterns discover a cavern deep within Zarox with a large bomb inside of it. It's vaguely familiar to Stewart, having seen it once before in real life and then over and over again every time he falls asleep only to wake up screaming.

No problem! This thing can be filled with yellow wires now and it's not going to stop him!

Green Lantern Corps #39 Rating: No change. It's time for John Stewart to get some closure or something. I guess he'll save this world from the bomb then realize that he could have saved the other world too. I mean, he'll realize he can only do what he can do and he can't save everybody but sometimes he can. Or something. Then he'll cry for three days straight before waking up, have four slices of bacon, some sourdough toast with half a pat of melted butter on each slice, exactly one scrambled egg (heavy on the pepper), and a cup of pulpy orange juice. He'll smack his mouth through the entire meal, relishing it with, um, relish! And then he'll stand up, stretch, make a huge bowel movement (in the toilet! Not in his pajamas in the middle of the kitchen), and he'll be thoroughly cleansed of his guilt and sorrow. A new day will begin for John Stewart! And that day will not be recorded in any comic books because, well, pretty much all of the Green Lantern titles are ending next month. Sorry, John!

Justice League 3000 #14

I bet the next cover has Fire in a mirror image pose!

Some people think you can't be socially conscious while simultaneously having fun. To that, I say, "What is social consciousness?"

I just made up those "some people." It's a trick other people whom I've made up use to manipulate still more made up people into thinking that there is a debate that doesn't really exist. But the existence of the debate helps convince the still more made up people that they had better start acting or else the world is going to get really fucked up or something. I think it's called a scarecrow or something.

I make stuff up all the time to suit my purposes. It's easy to do and nobody on the internet knows about checking facts. Well, they sort of know about it. But they always suspect that somebody with more time has already done the fact checking and that they wouldn't have heard the thing they're hearing unless it were already true because why would people pass on false knowledge?

People not on the internet also don't know how to check facts. It's just that they don't see as many fake facts in the same amount of time. Oh, to be sure, the percentage of incorrect facts non-internet users hear is probably higher but they just aren't bombarded with as many. Especially if they've taken a shotgun and blown out the tube on their television. I'm assuming that if they aren't on the internet, they still own an old fashioned television. And a shotgun.

As some of you may have noticed already, I'm rambling and Howard Porter isn't doing the art for this issue of Justice League 3000. That's too bad because I like his style. And his mustache.

Last issue, the Justice League 3000 were reunited with Preboot Ice (as much as you can call it a reunion since the Justice League 3000 are kind of zombie reanimated clone type things of the originals). This issue, everybody wants to know what Ice has been up to for one thousand years. And Etrigan was summoning Fire (probably the Preboot version as well) to join the fun. And Preboot Blue Beetle and Preboot Booster Gold were also out there somewhere. So it looks like fairly soon (probably June?), Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis will once again be writing Justice League International. Except in the future. I wonder if they're going to dig up the Dibnys? And Oberon! And L-Ron!

That's Oberon! They remember Oberon!

So according to Ariel's knowledge, this future is definitely a New 52 version of the future. But the DNA they're using for the Justice League 3000 must have been lost out of Mega-Braniac's Multiversal Collection. And that would explain how Takron-Galtos can be so far away from where Earth-Main-Earth was located! Because it's the Preboot Earth that Mega-Brainiac probably left on the top of his spaceship as he was loading it up and then flew off with it still up there! So it tumbled off way out on the edge of nowhere where Cadmus discovered a DNA bank of super heroes that never belonged in this universe.

Knowing Giffen and DeMatties, my supposition is actually probable!

Ariel asks Ice to clear up the last thousand years of history because obviously she must have been paying attention to all of it. I bet the focus of her story is how she and Bea had a falling out over one of those stupid things friends sometimes have fallings out over. And then they just stopped talking and lost contact with each other and Ice went to sit in an ice castle while Fire went to Hell.

But before Ice can clear up all of this wacky doodle nonsense, we need to see how Booster and Beetle are doing.

Looks like they're having one of those fine messes they enjoy so much.

Ice tells one of the Super Buddies adventures from "I Can't Believe It's Not The Justice League." You know the one. The one where they wind up in Hell (through no fault of Booster Gold's at all! Except the part that was totally his fault) and realize their good friend Ice has been there burning away for years! So for everybody keeping score, Stephanie Brown and Cassandra Cain's lives are not canon but the Super Buddies are. Seems fair to me!

Ice was not rescued that time but later Fire came back and traded her life for Ice's freedom. After many fruitless attempts to rescue Fire from Hell, Ice gave up on everything and locked herself away in a stasis pod. She was only awakened by The Great Disaster which apparently destroyed much of Earth. That was probably The Flash's fault for trying to change time and save his mom. Again.

One of her adventures with Kamandi after waking up from stasis. This looks like it was probably only a two issue Kamandi story.

I wonder if after April and May's big Convertible Event, DC Comics will just let The New 52 remain at the five years in the future of Futures End timeline and just back fill the five previous years with Preboot history? That would allow them to do a kind of soft merge of the universes. And then all of this shit about Booster and Beetle and the Justice League International and the Super Buddies which all happened in Preboot history could have happened during the five years prior to Futures End? It's messy but who the fuck cares? DC's Reboots are always messy in some way they hadn't thought of when they rush into fixing things.

Ice has some other adventures where she defeats the Atomic Knights because they're dicks. Then she escapes Earth in a space ark with a bunch of talking animals and left them on another planet while she headed to Camelot Nine. Her animal planet is probably where Captain Carrot and his crew live. And then after seemingly finding peace, Etrigan came to visit. For some reason she wasn't happy about it. Come on, Ice! It's Etrigan! How can two of my favorite characters not be friends?!

See? Fire learned to love him! You should too, Ice!

I think my infatuation with Ice Maiden was what led me to sympathize and really like Guy Gardner. If Tora saw something worthy of love in him, I knew I could accept him as well. Or maybe I just like guys who can take a punch from Batman. Okay, he was knocked out immediately and completely changed personalities. But his jaw didn't break! That's more than most people can say, right?

Meanwhile, Fire never once appears in this comic book (except in flashbacks) even though she was kind of promised at the end of last issue. Liars! Bastards! But Etrigan has another recognizable old friend at his side who's revealed on the final page.

Yes! Out of all the DC Characters across all time, Etrigan was the one to defeat Darkseid! That's my boy!

Justice League 3000 #14 Rating: +2 Ranking. See? This comic book shows that DC is finally slackening up on their whole continuity is king thing. Because it doesn't make any kind of sense at all with Etrigan in space and characters from the Preboot Era and Darkseid's head in a jar and the Super Buddies being mentioned in The New 52 and Superman being a total douchebag and Wonder Woman being a bloodthirsty cockgobbler and the Legion of Super-heroes not existing and Kid Flash and Solstice nowhere to be found on Takron-Galtos! I don't mind continuity but not when everything else is a slave to it. I like continuity where I can read a comic book like this and even if it doesn't make any sense in any kind of timeline, it makes sense to me as a fan of the characters. Etrigan in space? Cool because it's Etrigan. Maybe a bit different from Cornell's Etrigan who was different from Grant's Etrigan who was different from Wagner's Etrigan who was different from Kirby's Etrigan and so on and so forth. But essentially, I understand him and his motivations. I understand what makes him tick. It doesn't matter if he never interacted with a Pillow version of Uncle Harry. Or if he ever had a relationship with Madame Xanadu. Or if he ever possessed some squatter in London which he seemed to have done in Stormwatch but now that seems to not have happened in Batwoman. See? Even from writer to writer and within the same "universe," stories are lost and retconned and expanded upon and simply discarded when they aren't needed anymore. Between crises and reboots and cancellations and differing writers, characters go through a lot. At times, as fans, we find we have to abandon them, like when Nocenti was writing Catwoman. But they'll always, eventually, come back to a place where we can love them again (mostly due to a good writer at their back, no matter which universe they're in). I want more stories that are fun and carefree, and less stories that are dark and hamstrung by continuity. I have high hopes for the June Mini-Relaunch.

Klarion #5

Ooh! This issue looks promising!

I just found out today about mortality! Did anybody mention this to you guys? How come only Tumblr is talking about this?! It's so important! We're all, like, going to die one day! Think about it! It's like one minute we're here and then eighty years later, not here! What the fuck?! How come nobody's mentioned this to me before? Why isn't the media reporting on this?! It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you leave out. I would begin every newscast with incomprehensible screaming and blubbering followed by an in-depth consumer report about how to keep death from happening. If I'd known about this whole mortality bullshit, I wouldn't have wasted the first half of my life! How does one start this thing over?!

I mean, I'm not totally stupid and naive. I knew other people died! Heck, I've even killed some of them (don't worry! They were assholes and misgenderers). But me?! That's crazy! Me? Not existing?! How does that even work? I'm the center of the universe? If the center falls out, it all collapses in on itself! I'm sorry to inform you all that one day I will die and that'll be it for all of you. Poof! Out like a candle! Just like that fat guy with the fat brother once said.

Maybe nobody told me because look at how terrified I was right from the beginning. Also, I apparently was born wearing gloves made out of human skin. I guess I should have had a twin?

Now that I've learned the most important truth there is, I think I need to turn over several new leafs. I should probably stop being mean to other human beings just because they are terrible at writing and I keep wasting $2.99 every month buying their comic books. I mean, that's on me. That's my fault. So, Ann Nocenti, I'm sorry for treating you like garbage. From now on, you will get nothing but respect from me. That doesn't mean I'm going to be kind to your writing, of course. But I won't say things like, "If I had a time machine and a shrink ray and a pistol with only one bullet and some scuba gear, I'd go back in time and assassinate Ann Nocenti's father's fastest sperm on the day she was conceived." I will try to be encouraging! I will say things like, "Come on, Ann Nocenti! I know you can write dialogue that's coherent. That can be understood. That makes sense!" Or maybe, "Ann, you write like Shakespeare. Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Trite. Predictable. Full of cliches." Or even, "Go Ann Nocenti! You're burning up the quarter mile! Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! You're postal from the hip hop child! Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! You are supreme! The dicks will scream! For Ann Nocenti! Go GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!"

This comic book starts off completely awesome if you're illiterate!

I hope Ann Nocenti looked up the definition of "uncanny valley" since last issue. Not that it matters. She can write whatever she wants to write! This is a work of fiction. Even if its untrue that crocodiles love rotten meat, Katana is still free to say that because Katana is a character that believes things that may sometimes not be true. It's not like Ann Nocenti actually believes that nonsense. Or one of her characters might say that cats can't swim. Perfectly reasonable for a character to think that even if it's false. It's not like Ann Nocenti, an experienced, wise, world traveler, would actually believe that nonsense. So when the characters in Klarion misunderstand what the uncanny valley is, it's just part of their characterization. They're just dullards that don't know how to crack open a dictionary (or type the word "dictionary" into a search engine). And Rasp really is kind of dumb as you can see from the above conversation between Klarion and big, fat, chubby Zell. Rasp will put anything in his mouth!

Before Klarion can pop the Future Swag Buddybot into his face, he asks Swag if it's magic. He already knows it's future tech! The only reason he asks that is so Ann Nocenti can have Swag say, "Magic is nothing but a future we haven't met yet." Yay! So when I feel like I have to poop, is that my body casting a poop spell that will conjure poop in the future? I knew there was an explanation for why we poop!

After Zell was warning Klarion about eating a strange, future Buddybot, she tells him to not be scared when he hesitates. That girl sure does like to send mixed messages! Firs she's all, "I'm going to kill you with my hair!" and then she's all, "No wait, kiss me, you man!" Now she's all, "Don't eat that gross thing!" and then she's all, "You're scared to eat it, you chickenshit bastard fuckhole!" Then she's all, "I love to eat! Tee hee! That's why I'm so disgustingly out of shape! Boo hoo!"

Trevor McCarthy does know he's drawing Zell super hot and skinny, right? Even though his character designs looked exactly the same way and yet she was labeled as "chubby"? Does Trevor McCarthy not know what "chubby" means? Maybe he and Ann should split the cost of a dictionary.

After some wacky goings on in which Ann Nocenti is able to say something the same way but differently three times at least twice, everybody is expelled from Klarion's Every Kiss Begins With K-Verse. And they all lived happily ever after. Unless you all really want me to read the last thirteen pages. It's just going to be more of the same! Pretty pictures with lots of purple and blue colors surrounded by a bunch of words that make the pictures less interesting. Sigh. I guess I've come this far. I'll keep trudging along.

"Ann Nocenti, you're doing great! Keep up the good work! Love what you're doing with Klarion! Greased Lightning!"

Meanwhile at The Neapolitan Club, Rasp is getting his junk all up inside the Uncanny Valley.

Rasp: "Eww! Eww! You're so fucking hideously freaky, Contessa!"
Contessa: "Wouldn't having three nipples be fun?"
Rasp: "I'm so put off by your near human but not quite human looks!"
Contessa: "Let us exchange junk so that we can feel each others orgasms."
Rasp: "Don't look at me while I fuck you because you're freaking me out!"
Contessa: "Inna future, wes does not needs any secrets acause we all share da same infomations! We just fink, 'I wanna tell dat knocks knocks joke' and da pooter download da knock knock jokes right inta our brains and we's all laughs and laughs!"
Rasp: "Did I just put my dick in your vagina or did you just put my dick in your vagina?"

I think it's more like masturbation than incest. She's just an extension of the palm of his hand, after all.

Coal (the bad guy. I think?) gets a couple pages of back story. Apparently he walked in on his father just as his dad was about to blow his own brains out because some people stole his patents. The bullet blew off his father's hair and a piece of his skull which lodged into Coal's heart. I think this is some kind of metaphor for Coal's daddy issues. His father's failures weigh heavy on Coal's heart or something. I don't really care because the entire conflict of this comic book makes no sense. Klarion is only in the middle of it all because his name is on the cover. Also, I guess he's super powerful at magic (which is just the future that hasn't become the present yet, remember!).

I think Zell and Klarion are in a romantic entanglement as well? The only thing I'm sure of is that Teekl should be the costar and she's been nothing but a whiff of a monster in the K-Zone.

"Let's go live now to Rachael O'Rachael live on the streets talking a man who fears new technology. 'Sir? What do you have to say about the onslaught of technology on your life?' 'Get off my lawn!' 'You heard it hear first!' Now let's go to Simon O'Simon who has found a member of the embrace technology crowd! Simon? 'So, how do you feel about Luddites?' 'Fuck old people! What the fuck is a Luddite?' Ha ha! Good interview, Simon! Perhaps we should 'Google that for her,' right?"

My fake conversation isn't nearly as bad as the actual conversation that continues on the radio broadcast. One thing I know I'll never be any good at: faking Ann Nocenti dialogue. Here's a good moment from the radio debate: "Robots have rights. Just like sentient beings." "Really, Chuck? Even if we're scared of them?" That's hard hitting journalism right there! Apparently fear negates intelligence! I mean, I knew fear within an intelligent person negated their own intelligence. Happens all the time. Just look at the war on terror. But I didn't know that fear of somebody else negated the feared person's intelligence! I'm going to try that sometime.

Sometimes we get sad glimpses into Ann Nocenti's real life like this panel here. Friends hate all of their friends a little bit? Does that make me her friend?

Klarion's Future Swag Buddybot is birthed from his palm and he instantly abandons it to Zell because it's a girl. Plus it's a burden. Also it's no fun and needy and gross and a baby. On the news in the background where the mandatory television set showing news always appears in every comic book panel ever printed, a tornado warning is given for the surrounding area. But Klarion realizes it isn't a tornado at all! It's Coal's Buddybots flying off the shelves!

Klarion abandons his baby and Zell and heads off to battle Coal for some reason. I don't know why he's battling Coal. What does he have against Coal and the Neapolitan Club? Anyway, Klarion claims, for the first time ever, that his magic is from nature so it's going to destroy Coal's techno-magic. Although Klarion's entire motivation for the last two issues was to gain as much techno-magic as possible to kick all the asses forever. I guess once he had his Techno-Baby, he changed his mind. What a dick.

Klarion #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book really doesn't make any fucking sense. Ann Nocenti may have ideas she wants to write about, to debate, and to discuss, but she doesn't know how to form them into a coherent piece of fiction. Her characters are just things which speech bubbles come out of and whatever is in the speech bubble generally has no relation to the character at whom the speech bubble is pointing. I think she'd be better off just writing an essay on technology versus nature rather than trying to force whatever points she's trying to bring up into an entertaining comic book. She's proven four times now that she just can't do it with any skill at all. Perhaps earlier in her career, she did some good work at Marvel. I don't know. I've never read it. But so far in The New 52, I just don't think her return to comics has been very successful. But there are some reviewers elsewhere on the internet who do, so what do I know (besides knowing that those other reviewers have no dignity, sense, or intelligence)?

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #7

How convenient that Harley Quinn blows up in such a way that I can still look down her top! Thanks, DC Comics! I wonder if the "DC" stands for Male Gaze? No wait. Those letters are different.

Welcome back, Kiddies! Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is getting shit ratings, so we're going to change up the program. Like how I just said "shit." You kids are old enough to learn that sometimes the world spreads its cheeks and releases a flood of stinking diarrhea right into your face and shouting out words that make old people's anal sphincters pucker is the only way to feel any better. You also have to learn that when the money isn't rolling in, heads are going to roll. So empty your little fucking pockets and ante up for Mister Fuzzy, you got it? Chimps and Mopps will pass around the collection sack and if they don't see at least a few coins fall, you're gonna spend a few minutes in the dunk tank, you hear? And don't think it's going to be a happy fuzzy warm funtime in there because Chimps has been using it as an outhouse for the past two weeks.

I bet you're wondering why our ratings are falling, aren't you, you little shits? Well, it's a problem with the human condition, you see? Philosophically, we all like to think we're intellectually superior to the next bastard. But in reality, we're all just walking around on the verge of either crying, mentally breaking down, or bringing ourselves to orgasm for one brief moment of respite from the endless awful bleakness of existence. Most people don't want other people to see them in these moments. Most people want to avoid feeling in such a way that brings them to these moments. And the best way to do this is to stay distracted. And the best way to stay distracted is to engage in the most popular forms of entertainment. And the most popular forms of entertainment are sex and violence, sometimes together (unless you're in Germany). And guess what Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad has been lacking for several issues? That's right, Kiddies! Sex and violence!

I admit, there has been a little violence. But not enough! We want to see a recognizable super villain get his or her head blown off, don't we Kids?! Um, Kids? Stop looking so terrified, you little shits. Fucking cheer when Mister Fuzzy's voice raises to an exultant, jubilant fevered pitch and he throws his arms up in the air! You fucking got that?!

How about we watch some fucking cartoons while Mister Fuzzy takes a smoke break?

See Mister Deadshot pull his pee-pee out of his pants? See how it flips and flops around no matter how lovingly he caresses it? Poor Mister Deadshot! Deathstroke emotionally castrated him a few issues ago and now his gun just doesn't fire at all.

Oh no! See how the animators of this cartoon decided to go for a racist joke? Look at how fervently they enjoy their racism! "See how poorly Mister Red Goldstar flies!" they say! "Look at how he cannot fly straight at all because he is Chinese," they say! Boo! Hiss! Nobody supports your racist jokes, animators! We are all looking down our noses at you because statistically young, white males are the worst flyers! Probably. If that fact is wrong, then maybe you should not be relying on a children's show for your facts, Chuck Einstein.

Let me tell you a little story about maybe how the stereotype that Chinese drivers are horrible drivers may possibly have come about. Some years ago, your old pal Mister Fuzzy was trying to find work overseas. The kinds of circus acts I'm into aren't always "legal" here in the states. But China has some less than rigorous safety regulations, if you know who to bribe. So I was in Shanghai and let me tell you, Kiddies, you ain't probably never seen so many Goddamned people in all your life. Cars, cars, and more cars just trying to get from Point Yī to Point B. And the people! Holy fuck all of the people walking and on bikes! Well, you'd better believe that any point on the street where cars, people, and bikes all wanted to cross was going to be a fucking clusterfuck nightmare. If you had no balls at all, Kiddies, you weren't fucking making it to wherever the hell you wanted to go. So what did the pedestrians do? They just looked straight ahead and fucking went for it. Cars stopped and would never fucking go unless they just looked straight ahead and just fucking went. When the pedestrians chickened out, the cars went for awhile. Eventually some brave bastard would step out in front of the cars and force them to stop. And those brave bastards never once tried to make eye contact with the drivers. You make eye contact to see if you can go, you've already lost your chance. So it's just a day long game of chicken, pedestrians and drivers, just fucking hoping to get a chance to go. Meanwhile, bicyclists everywhere just kept fucking ringing those Goddamned bike bells! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING!

Oh fuck you, Timmy! That wasn't meant to be racist, you little prick! That was the noise the fucking bells made! Yeah, you little creep? You know what your name is now, you shit? Timmy Dunktank! Let's hear it for little Timmy Dunktank, Kiddies! Clap you mother fuckers. Show Mister Dunktank some love as he's escorted to his new seat.

Let's get back to the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad now! Where the fuck were they?

See Black Manta drive the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad to one of China's biggest economical mistakes! "I am driving," says Black Manta. "The Chinese Superhero crashed into the ground," says Boomerang. "Do you think that is racist?" "Ouch! My knee is sore," says Reverse-Flash. "I am cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Being mentally ill is fun and funny!" says Harley Quinn and all of her fans fall instantly in love with her. "It is sad that she has changed costumes and is not being abused by The Joker," they say as they sigh in their pants and cry.

The Funtime Squad enters the brand new, never inhabited Chinese city of Metropolis. Yes, Kiddies! An exact replica of Superman's favorite city! I wonder what adventures they'll have here? Maybe The Parasite has decided to start living here and he will approach them and say, "I would like to be on the team because it looks like fun and it seems like, according to the roster I am looking at with my own eyes, it must be very safe because DC's editors will never give the go ahead to kill any of you!"

Ha ha! Look, Kiddies, look! Amanda Waller is eating food! "Mmm! I love to eat food! Maybe I will eat a lot of food and become fat!" says Amanda. "We hope so!" say her fans because they love fat Amanda Waller. But it is too late, fans. It is too late! Fat or skinny, Amanda Waller has already been ruined by making her a bad-ass fighter with many martial arts skills and gun skills and killing techniques known only by master ninjas who only pass on the secrets of their killing techniques just prior to being killed by their students practicing the techniques. Just because she is fat it does not make her the old Amanda Waller. That Amanda Waller garnered respect by being a strong willed, tough as nails, in your face leader. People feared her attitude and the hell she could put them through. This Amanda can kill and has. So when she says, "Jump high!", her followers say, "Please do not kill me!" That is not the same. That is very different.

Back in Chinese Metropolis, Red Goldstar finds the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad and attacks! Pow! Bang! Such action, right Kiddies?! Raise your hands if you think somebody is going to die! Oh, put your cute little fucking hands down, you idiots. Maybe the final Man-Bat will die but that hardly counts. Unless it's Kirk Langstrom, it's just a fucking red shirt. We want to see one of the officers go down this episode! And there ain't no fucking Tasha Yar in this group!

While most of the team runs from Red Goldstar, Man-Bat attacks him. Of course he does! But why should he? Do Men-Bat not have any sense of self-preservation? Kids, the best thing you can have is a sense of self-preservation. You know those romantic ideas movies and television feed you about jumping in the path of a speeding car to shove a loved one out of the way? Nonsense! Let them get hit! What good does saving them do when you're dead? You don't get the satisfaction of knowing they lived! And now they have to live the life you supposedly couldn't live without them. You just resigned them to the hell that supposedly you were avoiding by saving their life! See how that kind of makes you a dick? Just let them get hit and then you can live with the misery and guilt. They're better off that way!

"I am a subtle critique of American military personnel," says the Man-Bat! "I am completely delusional," confesses Black Manta. "Put another shrimp on the Barbie. It's Australian for beer, Mate! That's a knife," stereotypes Boomerang.

All the team members decide to have some heart to heart conversations. That's part of being an adult, Kiddies! You're supposed to act interested in other adults. "Hello! I am an adult. You seem to be an adult as well! What is your occupation? Oh, that sounds interesting. I have always wanted to try that. You must enjoy it very much. I am dying to talk about the things that interest me but that would look rude so I must finish asking about you before we can talk about me which will hold my interest much better than this boring bullshit about your stupid life."

Reverse-Flash angers Harley by asking about The Joker. Harley makes more stupid faces and says The Joker sucks. But she doesn't really think that at all. I have seen the way she masturbates thinking about Mister J. Haven't I? Wasn't that in the Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special? Was that my fanfic? Oh, I think it was. Do you want to hear my Harley Quinn masturbation fanfic, Kiddies?

What? Masturbation is where you manipulate your genitals until you reach orgasm. Women jerk off their clitoris. Men do the same thing but their clitoris is called a boner. It's all very messy and essentially unsatisfying. Don't get me wrong, Kiddies! It's more satisfying than sex with a partner. But still, it leaves one feeling empty, exhausted, and drained of Qi.

Oh, my fanfic! Thanks for reminding me, Sally.

"Harley Quinn sauntered dreamily down the corridor leading to the bathroom. She caught a glimpse of her evening lover as she abandoned her slippers haphazardly in the hall. "Oh, Mistah Showa Nozzle," she whispered, hooking her index fingers into her black and red cotton panties. "Oim jus' drippin' loike a seive fer ya!" Her panties dropped around her feet and she cupped her pudenda shyly, turning slightly so Mister Shower Nozzle couldn't get a decent look at her budding flower of fragrant womanhood. She slipped a finger between her engorged outer labia, sliding it slowly into and down along her love clam before pulling it back out. A long strand of love juice dangled from her finger and glinted in the light as she reached up to switch the shower head to pulse. "Oh, I am gonna show you such a good toime, Mista S!" Harley Quinn bent over to turn on the faucet, paused for a second to glance back and admire her full, pale buttocks in the bathroom mirror. "Oh, Mistah Soap on tha rope! Yer makin' me blush with that suggestion! Although my tender derriere longs fer it!" As she turned the faucet, she heard the familiar clanking and screaming and whining of the pipes and then one single blast of rusty, muddy water shot out of the faucet, splashing the pale white porcelain of her face and the tub. "Christ on a fucking Segway! Some plumba is about ta die!" Harley slipped her panties back on, marched into her bedroom, found her oversized mallet and went in search of a head to obliterate. As she slammed the front door, the shower nozzle, frustrated, quickly rubbed one out before falling asleep."

Stop crying, you stupid brats. That was fucking beautiful!

"See, Tess, see? Somebody died? Can you please go back to calling this comic book the Suicide Squad?" says the comic book formerly known as Suicide Squad. Tess glances down at his fingernails, carefully adjusts the gold threaded purple robe covering his muscular, naked body, and glances down from where he sits upon his ivory throne atop a pedestal of black onyx. He narrows his eyes and replies, "No."

Red Goldstar goes crazy after Man-Bat's head explodes in his face. Apparently he's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being born amidst the death of his siblings. Bah, get used to it, Red Goldstar. If you don't have traumatic stress from some previous life experience, you haven't been paying attention. Isn't that how that bumper sticker goes, kids? Kids? Why are you looking so shocked and horrified now?

Oh. Um, yeah. I guess Timmy Dunktank don't swim too well, does he? Somebody throw a blanket over the tank please? I still have quite a lot of comic book to get through yet and I can't do it with a bunch of mewling, crying kids distracting me.

Red Goldstar decides he doesn't want to be like Man-Bat or the rest of the Funtime Squad. He doesn't want to follow orders. He doesn't want to follow commands. He wants to be his own person. Yeah, yeah. Capitalism and Democracy are better than Communism and Communism. Hey, Sean Ryan? Next time you jerk off on me, can you try to not be so direct because I can't stand getting semen in my eyes. Okay? Thanks.

The Chinese Military open fire on Red Goldstar because they're told to kill and they don't have a conscience, apparently. So Red Goldstar gets blasted through the replica Daily Planet causing the Daily Planet world logo to plummet to the ground.

"Oh no! I am sure to die," says Harley Quinn. "Oh my! Aquaman is about to be smashed to pieces," gloats Black Manta. "Ha ha! Someone other than me is going to die," jokes Boomerang. "I am die!" dies Red Goldstar. "Good bye, Clown! You had a good run!" puns Reverse-Flash backwardly. "Gasp!" gasps the audience who believe that DC Comics is really willing to kill off their Cash Clown of Comics!

New Suicide Squad #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I've been giving this comic book a hard time. With good reason, of course! But I thought this issue was fun and Victor Sage wasn't in it just confusing everybody, so that was good. Amanda blowing up Man-Bat's head was completely out of character and just vicious and mean. That was Sean Ryan writing Amanda as servant to the plot as oppose to writing her to her character. Maybe she's going crazy from eating too much Pulled Pork. Here is a great opportunity for Sean Ryan though! Red Goldstar really needs to join the team for a few issues before he's killed spectacularly. Maybe if that happens, I might think about changing the name of the commentary back to Suicide Squad. Or at least sticking "Suicide" somewhere in "Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime."