Justice League United #5

What use are gloves like those?!

Now that Judas has moved from my comic book boxes to a hole in the backyard, I was finally able to put away about six months worth of comic books! I had to buy two new short boxes and I still didn't have enough room to organize all of the comic books I've purchased since The New 52 began. I believe I've filled nearly ten short boxes, not accounting for the extra space I've left in the six boxes that currently contain the continuing titles. My Marvel comics are in a pile waiting for a new box as are all the comic books I've purchased that aren't part of the New 52 and all of the Futures End September One Shots. That's a lot of shitty reading I've had to endure!

Oh, okay! I'll admit that it wasn't all shitty reading! Mostly because I don't want all the New 52 haters to think I'm on their side. As if DC had been shitting gold and frankincense before The New 52 and everything was all newborn messiahs and salvation! Although I do think DC has lost sight of what will truly keep their comic books fresh and interesting: the writers. They seem to not mind keeping shitty writers on staff while letting some of the best writers go sign up exclusively with Marvel. I bet Marvel has less editorial interference! That's probably why they have to constantly explain continuity issues with clones. Although is it better to have a universe riddled with clones or to have a universe that keeps exploding into a brand new universe? That's a philosophical question that isn't meant to have an answer! Like why are nice guys never actually nice, or why are men that think they're smarter than women always angry, virgin monsters that nobody can stand to listen to? And why won't women give them a chance?

I don't have any more unanswerable questions because those two probably already got me in enough trouble with my reading base as it is. How are things going, nice guys? You guys sure are nice!

I bet I actually have more female readers than male readers because, truth of the matter (my truth, anyway!), I don't think I've clearly stated my position on hating women in a way that loathsome male comic book fans can understand. Probably because I don't hate women but I don't want them to know that I don't hate women because then I'd lose a bunch of readers! And I'll say anything not to lose readers!

If anything I said previously makes you want to stop reading, I'm sorry I said it and I totally didn't mean it and I actually meant the complete opposite!

Look at that thigh gap on Stargirl!

This whole thigh gap thing is so out of control. I have a feeling that the thigh gap is going to be something so cherished and expected by Millennials that they're going to create devices that will deform and mutilate their daughters as they grow to force a thigh gap on them. Like binding feet in China! Hmm. If it's something that's probably going to happen anyway, maybe I should invent the device! And sell it to Suzanne Somers to sell during syndicated television programs! "The Thighgapper! Don't mind the screams of your dearest child! That only indicates she's going to be hot!"

It looks like Justice League United has their first mission! Destroy the Canadian Wampa: the White Dago! Those First Nations people are racist!

Also Justice League United has their second mission: locate Hawkman's corpse! For some reason, Hawkman and Green Arrow are still using their JLA Beepers and Green Arrow has received a warning that Hawkman's corpse is in trouble. For some reason, Justice League America was still using beeper technology.

Martian Manhunter splits the team into two groups. Green Arrow, Animal Man, Stargirl, and Supergirl will go into space to find Hawkman's corpse because you always want the people that love to bicker with each other on the same team. In Canada, Alanna Strange, Mii, and Heather will hunt the Whitago. Martian Manhunter is stuck babysitting Ace Ultra. Unless he's going to help with the Yeti (which he probably should since I don't think Heather is really going to be much help unless they need photos of the encounter to put up on the Justice League United Instagram account).

I smell an 80s sitcom in the works! No, seriously though. Why did 80s sitcoms smell so bad?

Miiyahbin goes off to ask her Grandmother about this whole Keewhatin/Whitago business. Her grandmother pretends to tell her the truth but actually just tells her the plot to Star Wars.

Well, I guess it's time to strike down your father in anger!

Mii goes off to confront her father-monster to save Canada! Since it's winter, she has ice powers. I guess in spring she has flower powers and in summer she has heat powers and in fall she has lazy Sunday powers.

Mii meets the Whitago and defeats it by not being scared. It changes back into her father and he's all, "Really? That's it? That was the power of darkness? Why the fuck did I cross over to the bad side?! I thought I was going to be filled with all consuming power?! Stupid lying dark side!" Then he dissipates and floats away to join his ghostly relatives and friends so they can stand around watching the Ewoks party.

Meanwhile, Martian Manhunter teaches one week old Ultra how to speak while babysitting him. That's some babysitter! But then, as usually happens in a story about babysitting but rarely ever happens in actual real babysitting, a man from the future crashes through the ceiling claiming that the baby has to die or one of an infinite amount of futures will be destroyed. Who fucking cares? What's so special about your future, Mon-el?! Get the fuck out and stop trying to wipe out infinity minus one futures by killing Ace Ultra! Selfish prick.

Justice League United #5 Rating: Goddammit! I thought the Legion of Super-heroes were wiped out of existence! No fair that they get to continue to exist in a possible future to come back in time to ensure that their possible future winds up existing! How about billions of other sentient creatures suddenly appear to try to save their futures which Mon-el is going to wipe out?! How about that, Jeff Lemire?! Oh, I forgot to give a ranking because I was so upset! Um, how about -2 Rankings simply because of the stupid time travel story that's about to begin? Also, it might not be stupid but I'm just playing the odds!

Judas Soliloquy Velociraptor Iscarycat, alias Franklin Krenshaw. My best friend for nearly fifteen years. So long, buddy.

Batman #35

Fuck you, The Batman! Take your $4.99 and shove it up your Bat-ass! You fucking thief!

I wasn't really hungry yesterday but I figured I should probably go get a burrito from the local cheap Mexican take-out place because I'd probably get hungry during the wee hours of the morning and I didn't want to be stuck having to eat some stupid Munchie Meal from a clown puppet. The clerk that took my order asked me how my day was going, so I lied and told him it was okay. Then he asked if I was staying out of the rain and I smirked and said I was trying. Because when clerks are just trying to be polite and earn their minimum wage, they don't want to hear that your cat died and you got soaked while digging its fucking grave, do they?

Judas didn't exactly die. He was euthanized. He'd gotten a blood clot that broke loose and lodged in his left hind leg, causing it to swell and produce crazy amounts of pain. He was at the point where he was dragging his hindquarters around while screaming and hissing. He was okay when he was lying down but I think he was a bit tired of pissing all over himself. I knew Tuesday night that he'd had enough. He just kept looking at me as if to say, "Fix it, you stupid monkey." But I couldn't fix it. I would have traded years off of my life to fix it. But we don't get magic and wishes, do we? Stupid world. So we, the Non-Certified Spouse and I, took him to the vet where he got fucked up on opium and finally felt safe and content and free from his pain.

This picture is only fourteen years old even though it's a Polaroid and Judas is on a turntable.

Judas was really good with car rides for many years. But then he was in a car accident on the way home from the vet with the Non-Certified Spouse (another occasion, one of about half a dozen, where he was on death's door) and he never took to riding in the car or visiting the vet ever again. But yesterday, he was calm and serene and his old, curious self. He was relaxed and watching the cars and the scenery go by. After getting doped, he lay his head on the edge of the bottom half of the carrier and just drooled. After he had the stint put in his arm (where the euthanasia drugs would finally be administered), he lay on his side with his head in my hand as I scratched his ear. He drooled, and pushed against my hand, and tried to purr but he only produced a slight rumble. And he was kneading bread dough. You know, making biscuits? His big old front paws were just kneading the air like when he was a much younger man. He hadn't done that for years. But now, he was safe, and he was comfortable, and he was content. It was a good death. And then I took him home (even though I wasn't supposed to because he was now filled with poison!) and I buried him in the backyard under an angel statue from my Grandmother, and a peace sign made from concrete and bottle caps from an ex-neighbor, and a giant, colorful fish statue, and a faceless human head. It's a nice, cozy place. And he was buried in a Sailor Moon box my mother made for me along with a tiny alien head necklace I used to wear, which he would constantly chew on, and a handful of sticky toys, which he loved more than anything. Although I think he probably loved opium more, there at the end.

I can't remember the last time I cried as hard or as much as this. He was my best friend for almost fifteen years. We'd tamed each other. He was my familiar. Or I was his. Sometimes it's hard to say. I love you, Jupelo. Go tear ass over the rainbow bridge, buddy.

One last thing! I used to call him Jupelo (as well as about twenty thousand other nicknames. His alias was Franklin Krenshaw). But yesterday, the Non-Certified Spouse reminded me that I used to sing it to the Nick Cave song, "Tupelo." I'd sing, "Jupelo! Big black cat comin' down! Big black cat comin' down! Jupelo!"

This issue of Batman begins with the residents of Gotham, once again, getting fucked up.

Stop saying "literally," people. It doesn't add anything. Unless you're describing something that people would take as a metaphor if you just left it on it's own, it's not needed! It's not making your story any more exciting and it only makes it sound like you're usually lying if you have to add "literally" or "honestly" to every stupid Goddamn mundane sentence you utter.

The gas that everybody flees in terror from is just harmless gas. I don't know what gas is harmless because I only took Chemistry in 11th Grade from a new teacher from Australia named Ms. Quayle. She really tried to teach the class as if we were responsible college students and thus everybody cheated ruthlessly. Not me, of course! I was too smart to need to cheat! Although I guess allowing the seniors who sat near me to copy my answers was cheating as well. But I didn't want them to think I was uncool! I wanted them to think, "That Tess! Boy, is he a great guy or what? We should probably invite him to one of our gigantic senior kegger parties where everybody fucks everybody and we all do tons of blow and play Russian Roulette!" But they never did invite me to their orgies. They never even talked to me in the halls. They just sat in class going, "Psst! Psst! Tess! Tess! What did you get for all of the answers?!" And I would pretend I didn't hear them and hunch over my test so they couldn't see the answers. Oh yeah! I didn't let them cheat off me! That's why I never got the invites to their orgies!

The gas was Bat-gas (which is harmless but smell's of waffles) and it was released simply to clear downtown Gotham so that Batman could battle with some unseen enemy. Also so he can probably break lots and lots of windows for Wayne Window Repair to come through and rake in the cash later.

Also, the events in this issue take place after Batman Eternal. So Batman lives?! I guess I can stop reading that! I guess the $4.99 cover price was worth it in the long run! It's going to save me $2.99 per week for months!

Alfred lives as well! And Julia! And a new Bat-base! But who's the owl?! I guess I have to keep reading Batman Eternal just to find out about the owl! Also, I said, "Who's the owl?" Get it?!

Oh. I guess I don't have to keep reading Batman Eternal! Because the owl is just part of the tawdry decorations from the previous owners, an obscure group called The Court of Owls. After Alfred and Bruce share a laugh the way they always do, Wonder Woman crashes through the window and smashes Bruce's face into the floor. You know, the way she always does. I didn't know one of her super powers was being able to see through the wrong side of one-way glass! I guess she probably heard Bruce laughing. Although I don't know how she would have recognized that sound.

It turns out the person Batman is fighting when the issue begins is Wonder Woman. I guess that's why he needed his battle armor. She wants to kill him for some reason. I say "for some reason" because I don't know which of the dozens of reasons to kill Bruce she's acting on.

Wonder Woman isn't the only member of the Justice League trying to kill Batman. The Flash tries to run Batman down too. Sorry but you have to mention "running" in some way whenever you talk about The Flash. I suppose Lex Luthor must have drugged their potato salad because why else would the Justice League attack Batman? They know they can't defeat him!

Batman defeats Aquaman with gum. I think tangling him in the plastic rings of a six-pack would have been more fitting.

Next, Superman arrives and punches Batman into next issue. But first, he smiles and laughs which means only one person can be behind this: umm, wait. What was his name? You know the guy! The Kidder? Enh, whatever. It's that guy! The jerko or something!

The cover price means that James Tynion IV wrote a back-up story that I now need to read. It takes place near Arkham Manor which is a new comic book that came out this week which I won't be reading for a few weeks now at the rate I'm falling behind. I guess it's a consequence of Batman Eternal as well and possibly the reason Bruce and Alfred have fled the Batcave to live in the Owl Townhouse. The story is called "The Pale Man" so it must be about Dream of The Endless.

It's about five escaped Arkham inmates that have five different stories that The Joker supposedly told them. And they need to tell the stories to Doctor Zaheer. But only one story is true and the other stories are not! And the stories that aren't true will kill the people that tell them! Or something. I'm sure it will all become clear in about sixteen months.

Batman #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I liked it even though good guys battled other good guys! And the back-up story was nice and creepy and confusing too! And confusing must mean that it's intellectual, right? So I have to like it or people might think I'm a dumby! Boy, it was super good and I totally understood it and everything!

Constantine #18

I can't believe Constantine won't be allowed to smoke in his new show on NBC. I bet he doesn't get to say "cunt" either. Lame.

I should probably wait to do this commentary after Constantine airs this Friday but it was next in my stack and who am I to argue with The Stack? Somebody probably organized these comic books to be read in the most entertaining order. Or somebody just pulled them out of a paper sack and shoved them in a drawer. Who can remember what somebody was thinking two weeks ago?

I always think of my past self as some other person. It makes it easier to deny responsibility for all of those horrible things I did as a teenager.

I bet if I had psoriasis, I'd never get anything done. The skin under my sideburns is patchy and flaky right now and I just spent the last fifteen minutes carefully picking flakes out of my sideburn and carefully examining each one's size and texture. Nothing compares to the feeling of slowly pulling a flake of skin from one's scalp (or cheek or whatever!), being careful so it doesn't break apart as you drag it through your hair, admiring it's size, and then, if it's big and beautiful, weirdly keeping it on the windowsill near your shaving mirror for months. That may or may not have been a favorite hobby of mine in junior high.

That previous paragraph was all just speculative fiction for your enjoyment. I never really did any of that! Ha! Ha ha! Heh heh. Yeah.

Last issue, Constantine was propelled into the future by Dr. Occult, losing his Foghorn Leghorn sword in the process. But he wasn't just blasted forward in time! He was knocked across universes as well. He arrives on Earth-2 on his doppelganger's birthday where he meets up with Wonton.

Sorry! Sorry! Geez. Wotan. He meets up with Wotan.

Since John is now on Earth-2, I have to think up a nickname for the Twofer version of himself. How about...Johnny Constantwin?

Johnny Constantwin is hanging out with his Vertigo friends and his wife. And none of them are dead! This world is too weird for me. I hope John gets back to Old Standby Earth soon.

Wotan just wants to use Constantine as a ferry to Old Standby Earth where he'll be the most powerful mage ever! After all the other ones that John doesn't tell him live there. You know which ones I'm talking about! Like Zatara! Or that other one!

While John battles Wotan, Johnny Constantwin feels the fight. It's like he's a Corsican Constantwin.

Eventually, I'm sure, Constantine uses some humble street magician's trick to win the day and then he returns home with Doctor Fate's helmet for some reason. I probably shouldn't trust the cover! This could be one of those Silver Age covers where the cover made the story look way more exciting to an eight year old kid with a dime burning a hole in his pocket. Or her pocket if the cover was a Night Nurse Romance comic book!

I can't resist translating the Runespeak whenever it appears. I don't even have to check my cheat sheet anymore. The main thing I've learned from translating Runespeak? You should never bother translating the Runespeak.

I'll translate the Runespeak in the above panels for all you students that were always told you were wasting your potential but always knew, deep in your heart, that was a lie and, if anything, you were exceeding your potential in the hopes that one of your parents would notice and throw a praise or two in your direction.

In the first panel, Wotan says, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Constantine replies, "Their like it's better than mine." That's exactly what he said so don't tell me I'm an idiot! Don't shoot the translator! In the second panel, Wotan says, "Anything you can do I can do better." And then little Johnny Howard says, "I can do anything better than you." In the third panel, Wotan says, "What's the guys name on first base?" And John replies, "What's the guy on second, who is on first!" They're such cut ups!

That's my fair warning to resist translating DC's Runespeak. It's nearly always bullshit that pulls you right out of the story. Occasionally the letter will take the instructions literally like in the most recent issue of Action Comics where Superman speaks Krypton and his Kryptonese says, "Three Kryptonian Words." Once, the letters were written backwards and it was a secret message to the letterer's fuck buddy.

Wotan uses Constantine as a portal but since two Constantines currently exist on Earth-2, Wotan is ripped in half and dies forever, never to be seen in The New 52 ever again. I might be exaggerating.

Now Constantine needs to find Constantwin so they can safely devise a spell to get Constantine back to Old Standby Earth.

Constantine #18 Rating: No change. I've got bigger problems right now than caring if Constantine is as good as it used to be. I don't think my cat Judas has much more time left in him. I can't even read one comic book without having to help him with something or clean him up or help him eat or help him drink or make him purr for a half an hour with chin scratches. Maybe for my next commentary, it'll just read, "Batman acts condescending and self-righteous. The end."

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

Batgirl #35

Dear Diary, eat your heart out!

Dear Diary,
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I've got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I'm not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn't give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he's dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, "No more secrets." Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn't be reading this, "BW" is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the "M" looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!

So here's the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia's place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn't see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia's Scrabble buddy! So now I'm living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy's name! I think she's a skank too! In fact, I'm counting on it! LOL!

The next big news that is kind of small news (although it was really BIG news if you get my drift diary which you won't get until I tell you more!) is that I saw my first real penis! Okay, it was a photo of some junk but holy moses was it real! I think it was real. It gave me real feelings in the panties! But I pretended to be grossed out because it was an unsolicited peen and that's grosser than gross. But it was kind of not gross, you know? *sigh*

Don't I totally fit in with my new specks?!

The next totally big thing that happened which might be bigger than moving but I can't remember it so it's only the third big thing that happened to me since last time we had a nice chat, Diary. I totally got felt up by some hot guy named Troy! Swoon! Double Swoon! I don't think I can Triple Swoon until he gets into my undies though! I don't want to swoon ahead of myself.

Wait. I wonder if he got into my undies? You know what? I have an eidetic memory and I can't remember the best part of my week! Stupid alcohol! I woke up still wearing the same pair, so that's a pretty good clue that they stayed on! And they were practically grafted to me, so I'm pretty sure I slept in my puddle of joy. I'm the world's greatest detective!

Also, I caught my first Burnside criminal!

I hope busting guys in hoodies isn't as exciting as it gets out here over the bridges.

I was kinda proud of my Troy game from the night before so I referred to myself as "legal" during the fight. I totally objectified myself! LOL!

I wish Dick had objectified me more often! He sure missed out on some sweet, sweet Bat-muffin!

Oh! Diary! Did I tell you that I think Jason Todd is going for the bat-muffin now?! Ugh! I mean, he's hot enough and all. But I just don't know if I can get past his zombie status! What if his wiener falls off in my butthole? Okay, so what, Diary? So I've thought about it enough times that we're already doing butt stuff in my fantasies! Don't judge me! You know how much of his sweat I've gotten in my mouth while sparring with him shirtless? He was shirtless! Not me! Scandal! Even at fourteen, he was a rippling mass of manly ripples. Whoa! I need to be careful. I almost Triple Swooned there just thinking about it!

And then guess who came back into my life like a long lost black canary! Dina...Black Canary? What kind of stupid name is that? Why haven't I ever thought about that before?! Is that some kind of rare canary that shrieks obscenities at people? I guess she took the name canary because of her canary yellow hair and her ability to smell gas! LOL! Anyswayze, Dinah came back into my life even though I practically called her a cunt the last time we were together. See, her dojo was burned down which totally sucked because that's where I'd left my mobile Batgirlcave! And guess what, Diary?! You can't insure Batgirl stuff without giving away your secret identity! So I'm like shit out of fuck luck to coin a dirty, dirty phrase! I'd like to say that in front of Batman! I bet steam would come out of his butthole! That guy is so pent up. I wonder if Alfred gives him happy ending massages! For therapeutic reasons, of course!

So Dinah suddenly doesn't have any place to stay so she comes to me? Why me?! How did she even get my new address?! Grrr! That Alysia is going to pay! I guess I'm happy that Dinah still thought of me first rather than that creepy date-rapist Condor. Looking at his stupid costume with that stupid helmet, I'm fairly certain he meant to call himself Condom. LOL!

Anyswayze, long story short, I lost my laptop! I guess that was also "long story, conclusion that makes no sense!" Ha ha! It was all part of my plan to solve the mystery of Dinah's life going up in flames and taking my Batgirl stuff along with it! I should probably think up shorter names for the mysteries I'm going to solve if they're going to fit on the cover of young adult books that will detail my life and ensure I have lots and lots of money when I retire in like 80 years!

So more big news, Diary! I joined an online dating site! For research and investigative purposes, of course!

I am so going to get fucked! KAIJU SIZED SMILEY FACE!

And while I was busy making my new costume (I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW IT TO YOU, DIARY! IT'S FUDGING ADORBZ!), I got my first potential hymen breaker! I mean suspect!

Mmm! My ass looks tasty in my new Bat-pants! OMG! I'd eat my own ass! Gross!

I could tell by his message that Brad was an asshole. He couldn't be bothered to hit the shift arrow on his phone? And he used the apostrophe once so he knows where it's at? Why not use it in every proper instance, Brad? But he could spend the time typing way too many exclamation points? Nobody is that exciting, Brad. And using "your" instead of "you're"? Unacceptable! Also, it was total foreshadowing when he typed "hit me back"! LOL!

Anyswayze, I totally yoinked "Brad's" data as Batgirl when Gordon Barbara Gordon couldn't show up for the date. Although I guess I can't use that trick anymore or else people might figure out the connection, amirite?! Pretty soon, Babs will be getting messages like "Riddle me this, hottie! What's three inches long and ends with a bang?!" or "It's feeding time at the zoo, my fishy sweet! Waah waah waah!" or "Didn't I shoot you in the spine? How come we never got a second date? We should meet BACK up! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Turns out "Brad" aka Freddy Buttboy has been stealing phones and laptops so Riot Black can get his hands on the information and blackmail people with it. And now he had my laptop! With all of my secrets on it! And the possible footage of Probably Condor burning down Canary's dojo! That creep didn't know who he was messing with! Unless he had already gotten his fat hands on my laptop and then he knew exactly who he was messing with! Eeep!

You wouldn't believe how long I had to stare down through that skylight before he said something that I could turn into a cool one-liner!

I'm totally rocking that new costume, right Diary?! BAM! You just got your ass kicked by one hot little mama, criminals! BAM! Look at this ass! BAM! Now look at this fist! BAM! Check out these perky sweet boobs! BAM! Now look at my foot! BAM! Look at my crotch from the back as I bend over and sexily look over my shoulder at you! BAM! Batgirlarang to your boner, bitch!

My plan wasn't to totally kick Black's ass that night although ramming his head into a dirty urinal was maybe the best part of my week. LOL. My plan was just to take away all the data he'd stolen. And since having an eidetic memory is so rare, I figured he was using some kind of Batman-Villain Cyber-Crap to steal the info. And that's when my super sweet plan that even Tim Drake would bow to me over was put into motion!

I'm such a friggin' genius that I should have an army of Oompa Loompas.

And then, well, I guess I should probably tell you how my week ended although it's really kind of embarrassing. Remember how I was rigging my van to explode if anybody tried to mess with it? I know! I know! It was totally irresponsible because I could have killed some kids just breaking in to steal change out of the ashtray! But even worse? I'm totally to blame for burning down Dinah's dojo because of that stupid incendiary device! Now Dinah totally hates me and is never going to forgive me and we're never going to be friends again. Just like all the other times, right Diary! LOL! She's my bestie!

Batgirl #35 Rating: +5 Ranking. I love new Batgirl. I think I love new Batgirl because I'm pretty sure she's based on my earlier Batgirl Diary entries! They totally ripped off my Batgirl!

Klarion #1

Fuck.

This might be my secret origin. It was bad enough that I had to read Ann Nocenti while writing a character I never cared about, Green Arrow. When DC saw just how awful her Green Arrow stories were, they thought, "Gee! Maybe we can get Ann to ruin Catwoman as well!" And Catwoman fans spent the next two years learning how to shoot heroin because something had to dull the pain. Meanwhile, I sat by and laughed and laughed and poked fun at the horrible plots and crazy characterizations of other people's favorite comic book characters. I sat back and I pointed and I laughed and I pretended to feel sorry for Catwoman fans but I was having so much fun commenting on Ann Nocenti's strange turns of phrase and inexplicable characters that I never gave a thought to the ruin Nocenti was bringing down upon the Green Arrow and Catwoman fandoms. And then I heard Nocenti was going to be writing Katana. That's when I stopped laughing. Not Katana! She had finally extricated herself from that bowel movement that was Swierczynski's Birds of Prey and I was full of hope about her future! One of my favorite characters since I first began reading comic books was suddenly under attack! Maybe I shouldn't have laughed so hard at other people's misfortunes, I thought, uncharacteristically, to myself. Perhaps I should have empathized with their pain and took action to stop this insufferable writer from ruining everybody's good time! But I did not. And so I suffered as the others suffered. Thankfully, Ann Nocenti's Katana did not last long and she went back to exclusively destroying Catwo-man. It was sad but everybody was numb to that travesty by this time (thanks, in large part, to the heroin). And then good news! Catwoman was getting a new creative team! The internet shook with the sighs of the relieved. Rehab centers overflowed as Catwoman fans rushed to get off the dope so that they could experience the new Catwoman with their full ability to feel! Celebrations were celebrated! DC Comics was free of Ann Nocenti!

Except one person still needed to be punished. One supposed fan had sinned a sin greater than Judas Iscariot's! One DC Comics lover had sat back and laughed while Ann Nocenti worked her terrible black magic on other people's favorite characters. Comic book Jesus looked down and shook his majestic lion head and said, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Your sins are unforgivable. You shall be punished greatly." The next day, comic book news sites were reporting that Ann Nocenti would be taking over her next project: Klarion the Witchboy.

I was devastated. I was ripped asunder. Okay, okay. It wasn't like she was actually writing Etrigan which would have been just slightly worse. But Klarion?! And Teekl?! She'll probably turn Teekl into some kind of iPad! And if she's writing Klarion, doesn't that mean she'll eventually wind up bringing Etrigan into one of her plots? Was I going to have to endure rhyming dialogue by Ann Nocenti?! I ran to my comic book collection, tears of rage and sadness welling up in my eyes, and I hugged my collection of Klarion comic books.

I may or may not have ruined the value of this issue with untoward stains.

And so, my secret origin begins. I must take up a new name, disguise myself in a gaudy costume, and defend DC Comics from the most despicable evil to ever put pen to paper. I shall do what I've been doing! Only more so! I shall become Super Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, hero of fandoms! Or, at the very least, defender of my own fandoms. With sharp words and indefensible turns of phrase, I shall drive Nocenti from the stewardship of Klarion the Witchboy! She shall flee screaming into the night, my words haunting her dreams until she finally lies down and dreams no more.

I should apologize in advance to the fandom of the character that she winds up writing next. Please don't let it be Black Lightning or Metamorpho or Halo!

An infinity of choice but Klarion is really just considering a few places on Earth. Because it's super special, I'm sure. The only place in the multiverse where people feel love or something.

You know, it's possible I might like this comic book, right? All things are possible in comic book Jesus Christ! RAAWWWRRR!

Klarion thinks back to why he's on this cosmic magical road trip with a kitty cat in his bindle. Turns out he cast a spell on one of his magic teachers and then skipped out on Witchworld. The reason he blasted his teacher was because the teacher told him that if his fingers weren't in the proper positions when casting a spell, the spell could go horribly awry. And to teach Klarion a lesson, the teacher smashed Klarion's hands with a ruler, thus ensuring that Klarion will have no ability to keep his fingers in the correct positions. That teacher deserved to get disintegrated by Klarion.

Klarion hitches a ride to Earth by a demon that says, "Meh." So he's an asshole. He also drives a big American muscle car. So, you know, asshole. Not that American muscle cars don't look great! And they're fun to drive if you've ever wanted to drive a boat really quickly on dry land. Not quite as boatlike an experience as driving a big old Oldsmobile or Buick but more speed boaty! You bounce off speed bumps just like bouncing off the wake! Anyway, Klarion hitches a ride to Earth where he's going to live out his runaway dreams away from Witchworld which is a world full of phoneys! So he's a modern day Holden Caulfield. Probably. Maybe. I'm just projecting that onto him because I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing and I can't stand The Catcher in the Rye.

From this conversation, I can't tell which one was thinking the other one was going to blow him.

The "meh" demon introduces himself as Beelzebub the barber. He might not actually be a barber. He offers to shave Klarion because that's weird. He gives Klarion his card when Klarion tells him he doesn't shave and says, "You will."

This is all sexual tension, right?

Yep. Sexual tension. Vroom vroomity vroom vroom vroom!

Hey! Remember when Selina Kyle said somebody stank like burnt rubber? Maybe she was talking about her suit. It was something! I think Ann Nocenti has a neurological problem that causes her to continuously smell burning rubber.

Klarion saves some kid from being beaten up by two other kids. He remarks that his world was like that too. Big guys always beating up little guys. I can see Nocenti is tackling some huge issues here! Jerks should stop being jerks! At least Klarion knows how to scare off bullies!

I don't know what just happened there but it worked! Look at them run!

I guess turning blue and making something you're holding glow while staring up at a damsel in a tower is just about the scariest thing a couple of bullies can witness. Isn't this how the bullies were defeated in A Christmas Story?

The kid that just got his ass beat's main concern is that nobody saw him get his ass beat. But Klarion tells him that "just a cute girl in the window" saw and the guy is all, "Oh shit! Zell ain't never gonna touch my penis now!" Cause he knows that women only like penises that are attached to guys that can defend them. Or guys that at least excel in some superior fashion while they're watching. Maybe this guy is a master of falling into the fetal position and covering up his tender bits. She might have swooned over that.

The boy Klarion saved is named Rasp and he's a witch too. His big goal is to become stronger! And for his first feat of mystic strength, he's going to change up the playlist on the "heavy metal tech band" featuring the guys that just kicked his ass. Although he thinks the band is pretty good so he probably won't fuck with them too much. He might even let them finish the ass kicking later because they're the tops.

Rasp asks Klarion to move in with him at a place called The Moody Museum. Eww! That Moody Museum! Always stealing all the new recruits so that The Necropolitan Club doesn't have any fresh blood! Well, that's going to change because Necrot's buddy has a plan that can't fail!

Seriously, Necrot? That's the memory that's at the tip of your tongue and always on your mind? Fucking loser.

I guess the story is all set up now? Klarion has fallen into the middle of a witch rivalry between some old Gothic place full of magic witches versus a bunch of loser asshole technomancers that are trying to fill their ranks with even bigger losers? Why aren't they trying to recruit the kid that can turn blue and make street signs glow? Oh yeah. Because The Necropolitan Club is full of members that are limited by the humiliating moments in their lives.

Rasp also told Klarion he could crash at The Moody Museum in his room but I understand why Klarion wouldn't want to be associated with that failure.

So Klarion has now run away from the excitement of Witchworld and now has an apartment and a job as a chef on Earth. Oh god, this is so fucking exciting.

Teekl has died and been stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde. Whee.

So how else is he supposed to announce his presence when your back is to the door, you stupid cunt. Sorry! Sorry! I should really watch my language. I'm just really upset over Teekl.

Later Klarion learns, from his new landlord, that the first rule of magic is "don't hurt anyone. Not even a bird." Well why bother learning magic then? After learning this important lesson, he follows some hair up into Room 9 of the tower. Unless it's room 6! Or 69! Or 96! "96" is representative of two frat guys sharing a bed and mumbling "no homo" all night.

Meanwhile at the Neapolitan Club, plans are being laid to seduce more jerks.

He asked what she was ashamed of! Not what she was obsessed with! Besides, who isn't obsessed with ruin porn?

Rasp is named Rasp because he's related to Rasputin. He also has a hard time dying! He also eats anything given to him by strange assholes who brag about their illegal retinal implants when the discussion is about earphones. We were talking audio, douchebag! That's like somebody telling you stories about your cat and you deciding it was time to give them the length of your dick.

Klarion meets Zell and then discusses karma with her by pointing out it doesn't exist because Jesus Christ fed some people and then died. How does Klarion know so much about Jesus Christ? And American billionaires? And blues!? And gospel?! He must have majored in American Studies back on Witchworld. Zell is really cute though! And no way is she going to fall for Klarion when he answers "Black is slimming. Works for me" when she asks him what she should wear!

At the club, Rasp and Klarion get into a fight over Zell because she's obviously somebody's property. She can't be the reason for her own existence. And while they fight, Noah and Piper (the cook and the landlady!) discuss the probability that Klarion and Zell are going to be a couple because Klarion's name is on the cover of the comic book and Zell is the only female in the book of appropriate age. So it's, you know, inevitable!

Klarion #1 Rating: I hate it. It's stupid. And boring! And it's full of Ann Nocenti dialogue! I wished I'd been murdered in an alley before reading this.