Superman Unchained #5

Is Blue Kryptonite like Viagra?

Last issue, Superman was shot in the ass. I have a feeling that won't be dealt with in this issue at all. Also, Jimmy Olsen was given a Kryptonite Implant in his hand although Superman probably won't even notice since he always feels a little bit sick when Jimmy Olsen is around anyway. More importantly, other shit was going down. Really intense shit judging by the amount of lines Jim Lee has applied to everybody's faces. But it was overly complicated and involved guys in masks and dying blind monks and blue Kryptonite and the American military and I really don't want to get into it all. So hopefully y'all remember what was going on better than I do.

But before we get back to the main story, how about a flashback recounting how pervy Clark Kent was?!

Not that any growing boy (or grown man (or overgrown old guy)) wouldn't be using his X-ray vision on a daily basis. I mean, obviously we'd all respect everyone's privacy and never use it to act pervy ever!

In his flashback, Clark and Lana fall off the silo but Clark saves them by floating in midair. Which is odd because he actually won't be able to fly for many years later. Perhaps he can accidentally fly in times of stress but he never really learns how to control it. When he realizes what he's doing, he probably plummets to the ground. Luckily Lana has fainted so she doesn't get to learn his secret identity yet. Just wait until she learns about his X-ray Vision! Suddenly her mom's going to wonder why the fuck she's asking for lead-lined undergarments for Christmas.

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Ascension, and Wraith and Superman are on the hunt for her. But before they continue looking for her, Superman decides to take Wraith back to his place. He's really getting awfully chummy with this guy who already said he's going to kill him. Superman might be kind of stupid.

Lois has been kept alive by Ascension so that they can tell her their story and she can get a front page headline at the Daily Planet, impressing everybody except the one person she desperately needs to impress: her father. Speaking of her father, Sam Lane, he's the head of a top secret military branch called The Machine.

Look at that intense face on the leader! Jim Lee really is a master of the Art of the Scribbles!

After this speech, the leader of Ascension decides to reveal his true self to Lois Lane.

Isn't that the same guy? Shouldn't his facial scribbles be different?

Jonathan Rudolph's reason for attacking the world and the military and technology and just being a dick in general is because a crazy, senile old man told him crazy, senile things. At least Jonathan Rudolph spells his name better than Lois's boyfriend Jonathon Whats-his-name. Here's the problem with a senile person spouting crazed nonsense and truth: how the fuck do you know what's what? Well, apparently Jonathan here could tell. It was probably a certain clarity in his grandfather's eye. Or the fact that his grandfather wasn't pulling out his cock every few minutes while telling stories about The Machine. I guess it doesn't matter now if his grandfather was senile or not when talking about The Machine because Jonathan is reacting to it and trying to fuck everyone up now anyway. I wonder if his grandfather ever spoke about the Nazi Warwheel!

Due to Crazy Grandad's interference, Ascension has used the alien equation better than the American Military and created Earthstone, a crystal that allows them to control all technology created by the equation! This is because Crazy Grandad altered the formula and now only Ascension knows about Earthstone (which is the Blue Kryptonite that I figured probably wasn't Kryptonite and now I know what it is!). And they're going to use it to destroy technology so that man can start over and come up with everything they've already come up with but without help because that seems like a smart idea. I suppose they believe man isn't morally capable of utilizing the things they've created because they weren't allowed to mature before they created it themselves. Except being that Ascension is composed of humans, I suppose it's more likely that they want to destroy all the technology so that they can control it themselves and get all the patents for the new technology that comes out and be the biggest group of dicks (i.e. corporation!) in the world!

Meanwhile back in the past, Clark Kent is trying to remember how to fly.

Also, Ma Kent has made a new toothless friend. Oh, farm living! That's the life for me! I bet he lost that tooth and his penis in a horrible augur accident. Those fucking augurs should be outlawed! Maximum Overdrive shouldn't have been about semi-trucks! It should have been blood-thirsty augurs laying siege to that gas station!

The most unbelievable thing about Superboy comic books across decades of Superboy comics is that Pa Kent always had all of his fingers.

Ma Kent is young and attractive. As opposed to old and attractive like I'm used to! I wonder if Ma and Pa Kent were just young in The New 52 when they found Kal-el or they've gotten that serum from the aliens that made them young again!

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman shows off his impressive collection of alien weapons to Wraith. Well, the Needler isn't that impressive. His armory is probably the reason Superman brought Wraith back here. He's just comparing offensive cocks with Wraith. "Threaten me, will you bitch? Well, look at all the shit I've got to bring to our little duel."

Now I have to believe that Jor-el didn't just choose Earth but he specifically chose America? Then that means he chose Kansas as well! And who the fuck would do that to their own son?!

Man, that last caption was spoken like a true Native Californian! When I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska for a few years, you should have heard the reactions from all of my family and friends. It was like they thought I'd time traveled to the 1500s! I, of course, didn't want to lose my bias that the midwest was full of hicks, so I just pretended that the only reason everybody was normal and spoke with less accent than I did was simply because I was in a college town. You know the best part of moving to Nebraska from California? Like, you don't have to, like, here the word "like," like, ten times in every sentence! I did enjoy learning to call Coke "pop" although I never really took to calling grocery bags "sacks." Except now that I'm in Oregon, I often refer to them as sacks because language is an insidious virus where you believe that you can use it ironically but eventually it just becomes natural. I remember first hearing a clerk at a grocery store ask me if I'd like a sack and being completely perplexed. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. And after realizing what they were referring to, the first thing I thought about was Jack Handey and his Deep Thought about always carrying around two sacks so that when somebody asks you to help with something, you can say, "Can't. Got these sacks!" And how I always pictured a guy walking around with potato sacks since that was the only way I'd ever heard that word used. But it finally made sense! The guy in the Deep Thought didn't look like a maniac at all! Just a guy out doing his shopping!

I don't know why Wraith is so wrapped up in America and its military especially. I'm guessing it was some kind of Manchurian Candidate level brainwashing. Too bad he didn't land in Canada or Jamaica. He'd sure have a different view of Earth if he had.

Wraith asks Superman to consider the future and how everybody is going to get old around him while he stays young. What the fuck is Superman? A vampire? I'd guess he'd be more like an over-tanner! All that yellow sun energy can't be healthy for a guy to absorb day in and day out. Anyway, people get older and shit while Clark continues to look fuckable.

The most unbelievable part of Clark's vision of the future is that newspapers still exist in 2024.

More than anybody on Earth, Wraith and Superman should be above national boundaries and religious differences and national identities based on cultural pride and arrogance. Wraith is just trying to pull Superman down into some nationalist bullshit that will just make him less effective when it comes to protecting the world. That might be the main difference. Superman is about protecting people; Wraith is about policing them.

Also, Wraith decides to pull a weapon off of Superman's wall and threaten him with it. What a dick.

Back in the past, Ma Kent gets shotgun-whipped while Mr. Colder prepares to blast the fuck out of Superboy. He's in for a big surprise! Although I bet Pa Kent beats the crap out of him before Mr. Colder ever finds out that Superboy is invulnerable.

And then Ascension decides this must be the 80s because they launch all the nuclear missiles in the world. All of them. Every single one! Because fuck it, you know? That'll teach them! Nobody knows who "them" is but Crazy Grandad couldn't be wrong, right? Things will be better this way! Instead of having a world controlled by people who are going to destroy it, just destroy the world yourself! Problem solved! I think.

And then in the past, Mr. Colder unloads his shotgun into young Clark. He screams something about no more hiding because, I guess, that was the entire theme of this issue. Somehow Superman is hiding. Sure, he's hiding if you think he ought to be following your agenda. But he's not. He's doing what he thinks is right and living his life the best way he knows how. He's got a complicated life and how dare everybody, from Wraith to Mr. Colder, try to tell Superman who he should be. They can all just go fuck themselves. Right in their own Goddamned faces.

Superman Unchained #5 Rating: No change. This comic book has too much America in it. It's making me uncomfortable. I especially like that Scott Snyder has basically created a Superman that would really be American as opposed to Clark Kent's version that America has accepted as its poster child for truth, justice, and the American Way. Wraith is the actual poster child for the American Way which really has no room for truth or justice.

Aquaman #26

This comic book hasn't been cancelled yet?

Who would have guessed the Aquaman Fanbase could support two years worth of an Aquaman series! Especially since they've mostly been getting the same old fucking stories they've always gotten! Except he didn't get a stupid new uniform, so that's a change in a normal Aquaman reboot. He did get a beard for a bit but his evil twin got the fucking hook. And he hasn't been riding gigantic seahorses (at least not personally) nor has he been defeating undersea villains with Twinkies. But he has battled for the throne of Atlantis and he's fought with his brother Orm and he's had to deal with ignorant land dwellers and he battled whaling ships. What more is there? Hopefully Jeff Parker has some new Aquaman stories ready to go! And I hope they're funny! And I hope we get to see Aquaman in a fucking suit. Maybe a suit is too casual for somebody who's used to wearing Royal Atlantean Battle Armor everywhere he fucking goes.

The issue begins with the Yellow Submarine penetrating deep into the Atlantic Ocean's nether regions. Holy shit, I just got horny! Now I'm hoping when Aquaman appears, he'll be in a Speedo! With one extra high pressure testicles sticking out. I wonder if Aquaman's balls hurt when he walks around on land? They're used to the high pressures in the depths of Atlantis, so wouldn't they be aching to burst in the lower pressures at sea level? I bet they swell right up! Maybe that's why Arthur constantly wears the battle armor! Perhaps it exerts a comfortable pressure across his entire body so he feels as if he's still under the ocean?

I was watching Dexter earlier and he used Arthur Curry as an alias! Also I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm watching Dexter because people might be tempted to talk about it and drop spoilers all over the place. Well don't! If you've read my warning story about what happens to people that spoil shit for me, you'll know to keep your fucking trap shut! Gail Simone is really pushing the boundaries on her Tumblr by posting Batgirl and The Movement shit that I have to skip quickly past! I may just have to leer at her evilly next time I see her at a convention! Or maybe I should just read that shit as quickly as possible since I'm following her on Tumblr! I know how she is! Always self-promoting! Good for her. Self-promotion is the hardest part of being creative.

Oh! An explanation as to why Arthur's testicles behave normally on land!

The Yellow Submarine is eventually eaten by the Godzilla of Atlantis. I will call him Atlzilla because there's no way I could have come up with something easier to say. My fucking hands were tied. Atlzilla or nothing, really.

Some reporter named Evans is wandering around Amnesty Bay trying to get a story on Aquaman but everybody is too embarrassed to admit that he lives nearby. I wonder if the police chief has built a high-powered spotlight with a fish on it that he can shine into the ocean when he needs help with backed up toilets and, umm, other problems that you wouldn't want to waste an actual super hero's time with.

Down in Atlantis, Aquaman is failing to do his kingly duties (not sex! Bureaucratic nonsense!).

What do you mean by "that girl," Mera? You mean responsible and helpful? "Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you that you suck as the King of Atlantis but none of these other Atlantean losers is going to." Oh wait! I know what Mera means! She doesn't want to be his Goddamned Secretary!

Meanwhile the council adjourns once again without getting any business done because they apparently need the King of Atlantis to dot all of their fucking "i"s. Why the hell did Arthur decide to take on the job of King again? His dog must have had the smelliest farts ever if he wanted to get away from it this badly.

Oh man! I hope there will occasionally be Aquadog back-up stories!

So far in this issue, the art has been "enh" for me. Not "meh" though! I hate "meh!" I distinctly meant "enh!" But I really fucking love Mera's look in this panel. Aquaman's okay too. But Mera is pushing adorable here.

I suppose this is a different artist than the previous pages seeing as how there were a shitload of artists credited. Shitload being the appropriate amount of hyperbole for the more specific number "four".

Aquaman gets wind of Atlzilla off the coast of Greenland or Iceland or somewhere. I just read it last page and I've forgotten. Plus, I'm too lazy to turn the page back to fact check. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, Lobdell and DeFalco spent months moving the base of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. between Antarctica and the Arctic and nobody fucking gave a shit! So I'm guessing it doesn't matter what country Atlzilla is about to fuck up.

Aquaman and Mera have devised a new way for Aquaman to travel. That's what's going on on the cover. That was a fucking weird sentence, wasn't it? Anyway, Mera does this low pressure thing that causes Aquaman to shoot out of the ocean like shit out of a hippo, sending him into orbit where he takes a look around, angles himself just right, and dives back down to whatever location needs the help of a guy that can speak with fish. I don't know why he doesn't just get on his Justice League communicator and tell Batman there's something Batman needs to take care of in Greenland. Or Iceland. Bah, Batman can figure it out.

Aquaman lands on the beast that looks like one of those crabmen from the Fallout games. Except it's super huge. Bigger even! So Aquaman fights it for awhile while Superman is busy making Rhubarb Soup for Wonder Woman. Where are the cosmic heroes of this sector when you need them? Where the fuck are the Red Lanterns?!

The Atlantean Council recognizes this beast as something called the Karaqan. The Greeks must have pidginized it into Kraken! Mera says the Xebel version of the mythic beast is Antiarhk. When I was twelve, I probably would have recognized what that's a reference to. But now that I'm older and more mature, I pretend not to know mythology because I'm into stocks and suits and not into flying kites and skipping and masturbating whenever the slightest breeze turns me on. Nope! No way! I take care of man business now! I shake hands and look people in the eye! I talk about portfolios and future investments! I score with the ladies in that way that ladies like! I think it involves fixing cars and paying for meals or something. I forget. It's late or else I'd really go into detail about my super promiscuous romantic life!

Supposedly the Karaqan was a guardian beast of Atlantis that could be controlled by Atlantean Royalty. Arthur doesn't know that but he tries to telepathically control it anyway. With strange results.

That white text on a lilac background is really hard to read. Unless that's lavender and not lilac.

Aquaman #26 Rating: No change. I'm not going to change the rankings on any comic books from here on out! They're all going to remain exactly where they are, day in and more days in! Unless they really move me in some way. I mean personally! They have to affect me in the same way that Slingblade affects me! Or the last paragraph in the novel Cujo! Or that moment when my tongue is in somebody's butthole and I just can't hold out any longer! Anything that makes me feel like one of those things will move up in rank! And anything that makes me think "Did Ann Nocenti write this?" will lose a rank! Also, I'll probably change my mind about all of this by the time I finish reading my next comic book.

Superman #26

More psychic shit? Did Lobdell run out of ways to challenge Superman as soon as he came onto the book so he's just going to resort to psychic shit and magic?

I am so fucking glad to be reading Superman #26! Krypton Returns was bad enough having to read it the first time! But I had to reread all of my commentaries on the story this last month and be reminded how awful the entire thing was. But that's in my past now. Finally and forever! Never again will I have to think about it! Except maybe when Krypton Returns Again!

This issue begins with Clark Kent cooking dinner for Wonder Woman in his apartment in Metropolis. No, no. I didn't mean Diana Prince. I meant Wonder Woman!

I'm not a genuis (heck, I can't even spell "genius!") but I'm fairly certain this is a bad idea, what with secret identities being important to some people and all that.

Seriously though. What the fuck is up with this? Diana doesn't have a pair of Capris? A cute little sun dress? Acid washed jean skirt? Why the fuck is she having dinner in her work clothes? Come on, Clark! This is your significant other! Let her keep a pair of sweats and a Mountain Dew T-shirt in one of your fucking drawers, you cock.

So none of the editors had a problem with this scene? Clark gets to be dressed like a regular fucking person while they have a nice evening in but Diana has to remain in her sweaty, disgusting fighting clothes? I'm sure there was a lot of rationalizing going on like how it's Clark's home and maybe Wonder Woman is really busy and a whole bunch of other bullshit that doesn't really make any sense. But the world knows that Superman and Wonder Woman are an item thanks to Clarkcatropolis.com (unless that story hasn't hit the digital presses yet. Still, Clark probably shouldn't be seen with Wonder Woman), so if anybody notices, they're going to think one of two things: Clark is Superman or Wonder Woman is throwing Clark a pity fuck. Maybe they might think one or two other things as well but I don't have time to think up what those might be. Perhaps Clark hired Wonder Woman to clean his apartment?

Luckily Lois Lane (who just now astrally projected herself into the Rhubarb Soup and the middle of the date) already knows Superman's secret identity because she gained psychic powers. I'm sure Scott Lobdell was sitting in his office one night jerking off to videos of dogs sniffing each other's butts when he was struck with a brilliant* idea (*brilliant in his own mind but not in anybody else's mind): Lois Lane would be the greatest reporter to ever live if she had psychic powers! He probably jumped up with his pants around his ankles while spraying his seed across his desk, over the walls, atop his Subway sandwich, and into his scotch (neat and on the rocks at the same time somehow). Of course Scott Lobdell wouldn't (couldn't?) realize that this entire idea undercuts Lois's true power as a reporter that will do anything to break a story and always seems to manage to get some groundbreaking ink. Is that journalistic jargon? "Ink?" It's hard to know anything about journalism seeing that it's a fucking joke career at this point in time.

Lois is going crazy in her coma because she's inadvertently reading all the minds. She just needs to hug Superman (astrally, of course!) in the middle of his date with Wonder Woman. Convenient!

She has a key but not a change of clothes? Does she have to sneak in and out of Clark's apartment so nobody notices? Does Clark spend most of the time with her playing Sega Hockey?

Superman has to help walk an astral projection home? This doesn't sound a bit iffy to you, Diana? I think Superman is getting a little mental poontang on the side! And not just from Lois! Don't forget he has Lana Lang living inside his head doing God knows what?!

Meanwhile over in Suicide Slum where "hope doesn't live," The Parasite has decided he's still really fucking hungry. And on the other meanwhile, General Lane is visiting Lois's useless body simply so he can tell her about one of Scott Lobdell's fantasy plot points that he doesn't really have any story ideas for but he thought up a number or glanced at a Tarot Card or his semen landed on a specific word in the open thesaurus he likes to masturbate into. This time his "vague reference for a future plot point" is called...THE TOWER!

Thanks for the information, Mister Lane! We'll see you whenever Lobdell gets around to your stupid ass fucking story! I bet they're doing Time Travel experiments in The Tower! Or it's a building from the future!

Now all of Lobdell's fans can rave about how much tension he's just created by dropping a hint about a future story arc that, according to Scott Lobdell's own words on how he writes stories, hasn't even revealed itself to Lobdell.

Oh! Oh! Look at the next page!

Fucking Clark Kent took the bait! Idiot.

I guess Lois can't reveal her psychic powers to her father or else he'll use her as a military weapon, so she just keeps quiet and dances about naked in his head.

After all the shit about Lois and Clark being best friends and Lois reaching out to Clark because she's scared, she threatens to fucking out Superman as soon as she's out of the coma. Holy fucking shit. She's a monster!

Jonathon decides to visit Lois but he's all sad and pouty because she happened to mention Superman when she was briefly out of her coma instead of sucking his dick. So now he doesn't believe she loves him at all and instead loves Superman. But Clark talks him down off his asshole pity ledge and assures Jonathon that Lois loves him. Although why the fuck would Clark Kent know that for sure? Because he's such a great reporter?

But after Clark helps boost Jonathon's esteem, he walks off feeling sad for himself because Lois doesn't love him and she's going to rat him out to the world to boot. I guess Wonder Woman isn't enough for him. And he's going to fuck up his own secret identity by dating Wonder Woman as Clark Kent anyway, so who cares what Lois does?

Clark heads home to do some research on General Lane while The Parasite wanders around the hospital looking to accidentally cure Lois Lane of her psychic ability. And also make her forget about Superman's secret identity!

Of course the Doctor Truth swam in God's eye! She's done omnithing and been omniwhere!

Superman has to cut his research short and head back to the hospital to battle Parasite. They have a fight consisting of some really hip and groovy meta-commentary and then a part where Parasite uses his freezing breath to freeze Superman but he doesn't say "cool" like you might expect but he says how hard it is not to say "cool" because that's hipper and groovier dialogue. And then he does a "this is where I get off" elevator joke which I don't think was ever hip and cool in my lifetime. Unless he meant "this is where I come in my pants" because he was so turned on smashing Superman straight down an elevator shaft. And finally Superman realizes Parasite is there to suck on Lois Lane for a bit. Superman wants to stop it although he might not try super hard because he really can't have her wandering around exposing his secret self to the entire world.

Superman #26 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a good review simply because it isn't fucking Krypton Returns. Also, it actually had characters doing things that the characters wanted to do instead of being told something cryptic like "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and then reacting to that. So maybe it deserves at least a +1 Ranking? No, no. What am I thinking? It was still written by Scott Lobdell.

Talon #14

I can see right up Calvin's nose!

At the end of last issue, all hell was breaking loose at the Gotham City Orchard Hotel. The most surprising thing about it is that Batman was not involved. Nobody even invited him to the chaos even though he left explicit instructions that he be sent an invite. Here's hoping the entire building explodes, killing most of the cast of this comic book. The only person I hope doesn't die is The Gotham Butcher. Anybody else, including Calvin Rose, is expendable.

While Casey tangles with The Gotham Butcher, Calvin makes one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the entire history of making mistakes! He believes a child with one hand behind its back is innocent and not dangerous at all. Well, Calvin Rose, those that don't remember history are doomed to repeat it or something to that effect. It's your own fault if you want to ignore what happened to Julius Caesar, Charles Foster Kane, Sauron, and Jesus too! They also ignored the innocent kid with one hand behind his or her back and look where it got them!

"I went to Owl School and it only took a few months! While all my friends are working dead end jobs or still in school, I got a job right out of Owl School using my training to kill Talons!"

Little Sarah Washington, Valedictorian of Owl School, merely slits Calvin's throat. It doesn't kill him but it seems the Putrefying Serum that was injected into his system wasn't enough to kill him but was enough to disable his healing powers. So that slit throat could be trouble. She didn't slit his throat deep enough to severe the piano cords in his throat that enable him to speak, so it's really just a superficial cut. Sarah leaves with Grandmaster Flash so that The Butcher of Gotham can clean up. Except that bomb is going to go off and kill everybody soon, so The Butcher should probably just head out now. I'm sure everyone will die and the comic book will be over soon.

Casey decides that she doesn't want Calvin to die because she loves his undead penis going in and out of her cybernetic vagina, so she shoots The Gotham Butcher's arm off. Unless she shoots off the Gotham Butcher's arm. Whichever one is most grammatically appropriate.

She also shoots off some of his other parts, like his top part and his bottom part.

Casey and Calvin and Casey's thugs still have a bunch of Talon's to destroy. But Calvin has come up with a great three step plan! Step one: Set himself on fire! Step two: Group hug all of the talons. Step Three: Blow everybody up with a cryo-bomb! That's a pretty good plan because usually three step plans have one step that is just a bunch of question marks and another step that is just the word "profit" followed by an exclamation point. Two or three exclamation points if the creator of the plan is overly optimistic!

I suppose the setting himself on fire part of the plan was to keep him from being flash frozen by the cryo-bomb. But now Calvin Rose is a disgusting, melty, burning, throat-slit, moldy old walking corpse. He doesn't have much Talon left in him. Seeing him in such a state of disrepair makes me feel a little better about the Gotham Butcher being butchered.

Eww. Stop being so gross, Calvin. I don't even think Alfred can whip up enough tea to save you now.

Eventually Batman comes to save the day because Calvin Rose is only good at escaping. He can't solve problems. He can only run away from them. So Daddy Batman arrives to stop the bomb and to apprehend Sebastian Clark. Batman still has some questions for him like where the fuck did Lincoln March go? Maybe after Calvin turns into a soupy blob of blech, Lincoln March will return to be Gotham City's Talon! Which, I mean, really, Gotham City doesn't fucking need, does it? The Court of Owls have kind of overstayed their welcome being that they're all just a bunch of snobby bureaucrats anyway. Can't Batman turn them back into a nursery school rhyme and an Urban Legend?

You're going to fix that?! I think Casey must have lost both eyes.

Casey pleads with Batman to save Calvin's life as the serum begins to liquify him. I can understand that Batman's legend is so great that it would seem he's capable of miracles but I don't think he's a healer and he probably doesn't know any magic. Hell, Batman doesn't kill so he can't even put him out of his misery! What the fuck is Batman supposed to do? I guess he could shove him in the cryo-tank until somebody else can come up with a cure. Hopefully that will be never though because I think I've read enough stories about Calvin Rose. I'm good here. Check!

Oh fuck. Apparently I'm being forced to have dessert because Calvin Rose is all better three weeks later. Batman's big idea was to put Calvin on dialysis which removed the Death Serum and allowed Calvin's Talon power to regenerate his body. He even got back his face! Also, it might not have been Batman's idea. Batman may have just shrugged his shoulders and went home after Casey asked for help. But Bruce Wayne helped by buying Casey's father's company and putting her in charge!

Sebastian Clark wound up in prison. The Gotham Butcher began putting himself back together so he was locked up in a new cell in the Securitus Building which is kept at Absolute Zero. Or, you know, as close to absolute zero as they can get. I predict Wayne Enterprises goes bankrupt within the year trying to pay the power bill to keep The Gotham Butcher frozen at that temperature! Maybe they should just shoot his body into space and keep his head on the end of a pole in the Gotham Police Department's break room freezer. And finally, Sarah has begun attending Bat School which is the opposite of Owl School. Unless Lark School is the opposite of Owl School.

Finally finally (I should probably have planned my words better), Calvin Rose discovers that Casey Washington is being allowed to continue her organization that helps thugs leave criminal organizations and make better persons of themselves. Except she's been forced to change the name of her organization to Batman, Incorporated. Dark Ranger and Nightrunner are also still members. And everybody probably has to make sure they don't accidentally mention any of this to Commissioner Gordon.

Talon #14 Rating: No change. I am so Court of Owlsed out, I can't even finish thi

Batman: The Dark Knight #26

Batman Incorporated #14?

So in-between reading The Flash and picking up The Dark Knight, I cooked my cornbread muffins. I thought about putting an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but I'm not sure cooking muffins ever really needs an exclamation point. Perhaps if the subject of the sentence were different, an exclamation point would be called for. "My dead grandmother clawed her way through the gates of hell to cook me some cornbread muffins!" See? Much better. Oh, I should probably include the food shot since it's something I created and it desperately needs to be posted for posterity. The people of the future are going to want to experience all of the things their long dead God created.

My muffin tin that makes muffins shaped like asses is entirely appropriate.

Hopefully, the Clayface story arc is finally over now that he's been shoved into Arkham Asylum's version of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake and Highly Pressurized Oven. The cover doesn't really tell me anything except that it can't be true because Batman will never be chained! It's probably some kind of metaphor about taxes and how they're keeping Bruce Wayne from providing living wages to most of Wayne Enterprises employees. Thanks a lot, Comic Book Version of Obama!

The issue begins with a Mexican woman getting fired from her job of putting heads on angels. She also gets to the pharmacy too late to pick up the medicine which her baby needs. Also, I don't think she has enough money to buy it because she doesn't have a job. And then the baby dies and everyone is sad. And because of Sesame Street and the pharmacy being closed, all that keeps running through my head now is the word "ceh-rah-do!" "Ceeeeerrrrrraaaaaaadddddoooo!" "Cerrado!" "Abierto!" "Cerrado!"

This is only issue one of two so it looks like we're not going to get any dialogue for two full issues? This will be a quick read! Or maybe once the woman heads to the United States (probably Gotham!), we'll get some dialogue but she won't be able to understand it and she won't be able to respond. That way she's still voiceless but I'll feel like I didn't waste all that time learning to read just so I can look at stupid pictures! I want to show off my skills!

The woman's other child gets sick which is when she makes the desperate decision to leave her homeland and try her chance at America. But things go south while going north because the coyote or whatever they call the guy that takes the groups across the border double crosses them all and sells them out to The Masked Skull Gang! They separate the women from the children and the elderly because The Masked Skull Gang is probably into sex trafficking and/or age discrimination.

I could be wrong about this entire story though because without Narration Boxes, I'm thoroughly confused!

It could be I have the entire story wrong! The woman could have been working at a warehouse that creates actual angels. Then she inadvertently killed one which meant her child would be possessed by a demon. So the warehouse manager insists that she take the day off to deal with her demon child. But she arrives too late at the pharmacy to pick up the poison to kill the horrible monster. She comes back home to tell her family and weep in fear as the child curses them from the crib. Later they attend the funeral of her baby's first victim and while there, a man approaches her and says she should flee to Gotham. But she gets angry because there is nowhere to run from her demon child. Eventually her oldest child also begins succumbing to demonic possession because the woman must have gone back to work and killed another angel. She heads to the trash pile outside of town where God lives and asks him for forgiveness. God, of course, is a bald, tattooed man in a wife-beater. I'd normally call it a tank top but I think if the guy wearing it lives in a trash heap, you have to call it a wife-beater.

So God tells the woman there is nothing she can do. She must try to get her child as far away as possible before the child becomes completely possessed. So she loads up in a truck and heads to America. But on the way there, the truck is pulled over by America's Border Guard. Also it is Halloween which is why they have masks. They separate the adult women from the children and the elderly because they're all being taken to check out the Border Patrol's haunted house and it's too scary for small children and people with heart conditions. As the trucks are pulling away, the mother screams at them to kill her child because it has succumbed to the demon's will! But the guard thinks she's playing a Halloween prank so he smashes her in the face with the butt of his rifle because he hates Halloween pranks. The cars head off into the night.

While mother enjoys the haunted house, the children and elderly must prepare the Christmas decorations to be put up on the haunted house a few days after Halloween.

Grandmother is still trying to warn them about the devil child.

The mother is too frightened to visit the haunted house so she tries to get away. But she's forced back by gunpoint because she's going to enjoy the frightful festivities, dammit!

Meanwhile grandmother checks on the devil child and is perturbed that she still lives.

Grandmother is going to end this right the fuck now, by God!

While Grandmother tries to head out the window so she can find a weapon to kill the spawn of Satan, one of the border patrol tries to catch up to her to give her a knife. He believes her story unlike the rest of his coworkers! But he trips on some jingle bells on the ground and accidentally stabs her and knocks her out the window. Confused and disoriented from the fall, Grandmother wanders away into the night. The worker reports back to The Penguin who must be running the haunted house. He tries to explain how they have a devil child amongst them but The Penguin has a sudden panic attack from his Bat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flips the fuck out on the guy.

Whoops!

Later, Batman finds the Grandmother dead on the street. In her hand, he finds a flyer for The Penguin's upcoming Santa's Workshop Themed House (not haunted!) and Batman gets really fucking pissed off because Damian would have loved to visit this but he can't because he's dead! And if Damian can't enjoy it, then fuck everyone! It's time to close this beloved yearly event down for good!

Batman pulls the fire alarm on the workshop preparing the decorations for the event and all the workers rush outside. When Batman runs inside to destroy everything, he finds the little devil girl praying for Jesus's head to explode.

Halo of light? More like Halo of Brains!

Batman realizes immediately how dangerous this little girl is so he takes her to a veterinarian to have her put to sleep. He watches from the window to make sure that she's been put on the drip that will ease her safely into oblivion without her realizing she's dying. If she knew what was happening, she'd destroy Gotham in hellfire!

By the time Batman has taken care of that problem, the Christmas Decoration Factory has recovered from the pulled fire alarm and they're back in business. This time, Batman decides to forgo the subtle approach and smashes through a skylight, raining explosives down on the warehouse to destroy all of the beautiful and heart-warming decorations that Damian would have loved so much! You know, as soon as Batman taught Damian to love Christmas which I'm sure he had almost done before Damian was killed. Who doesn't love Christmas?! Even I love Christmas and I'm a Goddamned atheist!

Batman destroys everything and beats up the staff while telling the children they'd better get the fuck out and find a new job if they know what's good for them! The kids run screaming into the night as more of Penguin's employees pull up for their shift to find Batman out front shitting all over their shit.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY YULE LOG, BITCHES!?"

The employees newly arrived on the scene have their tinsel guns handy (they're not actual weapons! They're just used for firing strings of tinsel over the house and large trees) and fire them at Batman, tangling him up in a web of glittery festivity. He's carted off, shoved in a cage, and kept away from The Penguin's Holiday House Extravaganza. Christmas is saved!

God bless us! Every one!

Batman: The Dark Knight #26 Rating: No change. I think I've gotten the gist of this thing! It could be I'm supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from it but I'm hard pressed to see what devil children and Penguin's Christmas Party have got to do with being voiceless!

The Flash #26

This cover really draws you in because you can't help thinking, "How did The Flash's body get so distorted and mangled?!"

I cooked actual food on Friday night which is not something I do a lot but something I generally feel I'd like to do more of. I've got a vegetarian recipe book with about a thousand recipes in it. Occasionally, I'll take out my gaming dice and randomly pick a recipe to cook. This time I came up with Tamale Pie and my first reaction was, "Great. A recipe where I have to do cooking and baking!" Although in the end, it wasn't very hard at all. Chop an onion. Chop a bell pepper. Cook them up in my wok. Add all the other shit. Throw it in a baking pan. Mix the corn bread topping. Drizzle it on. Throw it in the oven. Eat!

Don't look at my dirty kitchen floor! My business is cleaning floors and I hate to bring my work home with me!

What surprised me the most was that the corn bread topping actually tasted like corn bread! Cooking is magic! But now I have a huge amount of cornmeal sitting around that I probably won't need for any other recipes ever, so I guess I need to make corn bread muffins or something. I should probably do it before the other four eggs in the half dozen I bought go bad because I'll forget I actually have real food in the fridge.

I think the last time I cooked a new recipe was about a year ago. It was Spinach-Rice-Cheese Balls and I documented it in one of my Batgirl commentaries. So at the rate I'm going, I'll work through this recipe book in just over one thousand years! How's that immortality serum coming along, Science?!

So I should probably comment on the dead horse's head sitting on the cover of The Flash this month. Namely, the change in the creative team. Gage and Googe. Is this some kind of a joke? I can't take my Flash comic book seriously if it's written and drawn by the team of Gage and Googe! I was really hoping Manapul and Buccellato would remain tethered to this comic book for a really long time. Fuck their wants and needs and desires, DC! Make them stick with The Flash! Can't you force writers and artists to remain on a book as long as you want? What kind of impotent company are you running over there? Oh yeah. The kind without the sacks to fire Lobdell and Nocenti for failing to perform the duties in their job description. I'm pretty sure their job description is "writing comic books" and that is certainly something they are not doing. Although if "stringing together random phrases" and "ruining fan favorite characters" is actually what they were hired to do, then I apologize for calling them out and accusing them of failing to do their job.

The Flash begins on a positive note because the art falls under the category of "Arousing Tess's Subjective Aesthetic Sense Organs."

I'm easily confused so I like my comic books to look comic booky or else I sometimes begin to think I'm reading a history of past European political conflicts.

This opening page has been partially Lobdelled but I can forgive that because it's this creative team's first book. So if they want to approach it by beginning with The Flash stating who he is, that's cool. Just don't do it every issue after that! Plus, "Lobdelling" the first page actually calls for a full page, static image that bores the fuck out of the reader. And this image isn't boring at all! It's exciting! Look at all the bullet casings flying out of that gun as the woman laughs uproariously at the impending death of her foe! Also, it's educational! The Flash is answering trivia questions for the fanboys that are most assuredly listening to his thoughts as he battles this woman who may or may not go by the name "Spitfire" (according to the cover)! I'm so excited at the possibilities of this comic book that I have man lady-wood! That's an imaginary boner for anybody that needs to know that I'm not actually aroused at reading this comic book because it would have made them queasy to think that I actually had an erection as I was typing this. And even if I did have one, why would I tell you? My body parts are my business!

Spitfire has apparently murdered somebody close to The Flash but he's not letting me know who yet because he wants me to worry about Patty before he finally lets me know that it's his father figure at the police station. She gets away because The Flash can't fly and he apparently can't dodge Spitfire's bullets and still catch up to the plane before it takes off so he has to vibrate through the bullets which causes him to vibrate through the plane as he tries to grab on. Wouldn't it also cause him to vibrate through the ground so he'd lose traction and his feet would sink beneath the surface of the Earth and he'd have no way to get back above ground and if he went solid he'd die so he'd really be fucked? Maybe he's just really good at timing things so he's solid when his feet hit the ground but vibrating when the bullets pass through him and he never allows those two events to occur simultaneously. Which probably means he runs like a total spaz.

It turns out the person Spitfire and her crew hurt was Doctor Carlson. Oh yeah, that was my other guess! That it would be somebody I'd never fucking ever heard of.

Doctor Carlson was also Barry's first big crush although he isn't quite ready to admit that yet because he's still trying to be in love with boring old safe Patty.

Spitfire and her Sky-Gang are stealing deadly pathogens to sell on the Black Market. They probably chose to do their crimes in Central City because The Flash can't follow them into the sky. But they're wrong! The Flash is going to get a lift from the air force! Also, can't he do that tornado thing where he rides funnel clouds into the sky or something? Can't he spin his arms around really fast and act like a helicopter?

Spitfire is just so happy all the time! She's the best.

I hope The Flash can do that helicopter thing with his arms now that the pilot said, "Fuck you, The Flash! I'm outta here!" I suppose Barry will run along the fuselage and leap to Spitfire's plane now. Hopefully nobody will shoot at him so that he has to vibrate through the bullets which will cause him to phase through the plane again. Although I've seen the cover and it doesn't look too good for Barry! Although covers often lie to exaggerate the excitement and to keep the reader guessing. Unless they actually just lie to sell more copies because readers see the cover and think, "Oh my God! Look how fucked up The Flash's body is as he's falling out of that airplane? I wonder if he was caught up in a taffy pulling machine!"

The Flash runs along the clouds because of course! He's a scientist! He knows exactly the right vibrations to vibrate and speeds to move and which numbers to carry when doing the math in his head. He's very good at the technical mumbo-jumbo that's really very boring and not at all as exciting as seeing The Flash run along clouds. Unless you're into science and stuff and then it would be more interesting to see a show that proves how this could theoretically be possible.

This time The Flash is able to time his vibrating and his bullet dodging so that he can remain inside the plane. But he only remains for a few seconds before Spitfire convinces him he should leave.

I bet it's time for the helicopter hands trick!

Barry lands safely, gets the deadly vials to the authorities, and then rushes back out to find Spitfire. Meanwhile Spitfire machine guns her crew and takes off on her rocket-pack with her canister of deadly pathogens. All the while with a great big grin on her face! Are amoral people always this happy? Maybe I should give amorality a chance!

The Flash manages to guide the crashing plane into Walter Payton Memorial Stadium (unless it's still called Soldier Field for some stupid reason. What do soldiers have to do with Football?! I'm surprised it's not called Pizza Hut Park) and still has time to run back and capture Spitfire before she gets away in the greasy as fuck Chicago River.

Well, well. I guess she isn't always grinning like a fucking maniac. Although this look is adorable too.

The Flash #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was like an old school comic book with modern sensibilities. A fairly sub-standard villain with a crazy scheme stopped by the hero in a story that begins and ends in a single issue. Plus it does that thing that people say should be done in comic book stories but actually isn't really done as often as it should be where the story gives you a knew perspective on the hero or shows an aspect of the hero you haven't seen before or whatever. You know that old advice that professionals tell amateurs looking to break into the business but usually ignore themselves because they already have the job so they just tell another story where Batman breaks a guy's jaw and Alfred shakes his head and Catwoman sighs. So in this issue, we see how Barry Allen has the intelligence and scientific wherewithal to follow criminals wherever they may go even when they think they've got his chumpy old number! The Flash only good on the ground?! WRONGO, BUTTHOLE! Uh-oh. Now I'm picturing Spitfire's butthole. Excuse me while I take care of something.

All Star Western #26

As far as sidekicks go, I prefer Amadeus over Gina. Also as far as romantic foils go.

My 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Thorne, had a record player in her classroom. She had a case for holding records in the back of the class. I'm not sure who stocked the records but I can't imagine it was her. I suppose she let people bring in records and she didn't really pay them much heed because one of those records was an AC/DC record. In my mind, I've always thought it was "Highway to Hell" but when I just tried to find the image I remember from way back when I was eight or nine years old, "Highway to Hell" was not it. I've always known the cover to "Highway to Hell" was the one with Angus having horns and shit but I assumed the image I remembered was from the back cover or an inside sleeve. But now Lord Google has allowed me to correct my memory and realize the album was "If You Want Blood." So for those of you that don't know the back cover to "If You Want Blood," this was the image burned into my little kid brain thanks to my 4th Grade teacher and whoever brought in this record.

The front image isn't any better but this is what I specifically recall!

So if you ever really want to know the major difference between elementary school in the 1970s and now, realize that this wasn't a big fucking deal back then. I also learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons in my 5th Grade Gifted and Talented Education class. I wonder if I went to a Satanic Elementary School? That would make sense! No wonder I had Speech Therapy in 1st and 2nd Grade where they taught me the correct pronunciation of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

So anyhoot and otter-holler, All Star Western #26 begins back in the past where the comic book forgot it was supposed to be taking place for the last few months. It seems we're due a glimpse into what's been happening with Tallulah Black if'n ya don't think too linear-like about time or nothin'.

Looks like she's been hittin' the vittles something hard.

The title of this issue (which you can read for yourself in the above scan) puts doubt in my mind as to the veracity of the tale I'm about to read. Perhaps Tallulah is pregnant with Jonah's child. Or maybe she was but then won't be once things go back to the way they should. Meaning Jonah returns to the old west. Or perhaps this is just one little secret that Jonah will learn about once the Swamp Thing stops attacking him and Jonah sets foot in the House of Secrets. Or maybe Jonah will get to meet his future progeny!

Tallulah is off to get married (which is why she needs a preacher, I reckon!) and the groom just happens to be Jonah Hex. Hmm. Remember that title! Something weird is going on here!

Yes indeedy. Something a might bit strange and peculiar.

As the ceremony is coming to a close, the bride, the groom, and the Strangel wind up in a Mexican standoff. Although each participant has two guns and so has one gun trained on each of the other members, so it's not quite as standoffish as one where each participant only has one gun. I mean, in this case, you can kill both of the other members at the same time! Although everybody is likely to probably get shot in the face as soon as one person panics and everything goes to hell. So I think calling this a Mexican Standoff is still apt.

Tallulah and Jonah kill everybody in the church, and then Jonah kills Tallulah, and then Jonah wakes up from the hellish nightmare (what else would you call your own wedding?) to find he's once again being drawn by Moritat. He's also covered in Swamp Thing's Purple Blossoms. Yes, that's just as disgustingly sexy as it sounds.

Swamp Thing continues to remain in a fugue state so Jonah has to go fetch Constantine who's nearby having sex with a woman he met at Burning Man.

Not everything is a reference to Little Shop of Horrors, John. Most everything. But not everything.

Apparently this is a bit of a tie-in to Batman Loves Superman. These are Mongul's Purple Mercy Monster Blossoms that have caused that comic book series to go sideways. I hope that doesn't happen here because I already have a hard enough time comfortably reading a comic book the normal way up. I just want them to enter The House of Secrets already! I wonder if Rain is still witnessing there? I hope so! *swoon*

Constantine stomps the Ever Lovin' Purple Mercy Shit out of The Swamp Thing and he recovers just fine. That's when Swamp Thing goes, "Oh yeah! The House of Secrets, right? It's in Metropolis. I probably should have said that earlier before we got hung up in a mini-crossover with Batman Loves Superman. Sorry! Anyway, on your way!"

So Jonah Hex and Gina head on their way. But Jonah is being a dick to Gina because I think he's feeling a bit guilty about ditching Tallulah who might be pregnant, now that he's been forced to think about it a bit. But Gina puts him in his place like the women other than Tallulah Black from the 19th Century never would and he remembers why he likes Tallulah so much. And, of course, why he likes Gina as well.

See, Amadeus? This is what you could have had if you hadn't been so mousey and whiny!

So after however long sex with Jonah Hex takes (one week?), the duo find themselves in a shoot-out in Metropolis. But nobody gets hit by any bullets because there's this guy living there that is supposedly faster than those.

Yeah! This guy!

All Star Western #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. So while it would have felt like the first half of this comic book was just a waste of space in a comic book I don't like, it was enjoyable to see Jonah Hex's fevered Space Opium Dream. Besides, Mongul's little flowers supposedly show people their fondest dreams and they usually keep that person encased in them forever. But Jonah Hex actually broke their spell which I'm not sure has ever happened before because I don't know a fuck-lot about Mongul and his Special Flowers. I think they were featured prominently in Mongul #1 but fuck if I can completely remember! Plus, his fondest wishes are to have a baby and marry Tallulah and killing murderers together? That seems reasonable. Also, I'm enjoying Jonah Hex's whirlwind tour of the New 52 Universe. It's a nice change of pace from the usual western. I'm still really looking forward to The New 52's House of Secrets though! It didn't get much on-panel time in its brief appearance in Justice League Dark. I hope it gets a really nice treatment here when it finally shows up.