The Flash #4

Godspeed can create wormholes!

The Review!
In this issue, Barry Allen learns...um...does he learn anything? I wonder if I would have noticed he learned anything if I were reading this comic book seriously instead of looking for opportunities to make stupid jokes about it? I know what I've learned while reading it! I've learned that other people try so hard to figure out who they are that they pour a sort of foundation of ethics and beliefs to stabilize the house of themselves. So when I say something that I totally don't mean because I think it's funny--or because maybe I do mean it, to a certain degree, in that it's a thing that makes sense which is what makes it funny, whether or not it's true--people read it as my final statement on the subject. When I say superspeed is a stupid power for assholes who always think of themselves as too busy, that's just a thought I had at the time that was funny and made sense. But it doesn't mean I can't or don't have other thoughts about why people would want superspeed. It just means I made a statement, not that I live by that statement. I find many people seem less malleable about the things they say because they want other people to know exactly who they are. Their statements express their selves. I suppose the more secure somebody is with who they are, the less they care about saying something which might be misinterpreted by somebody else. And boy howdy do people love to purposefully misinterpret everything said by everybody else forever! And I just realized something else that I learned! Or maybe something that I've just reconnected with that I knew all along and have probably mentioned once or twice before: this blog isn't about reviewing comic books! It's about reviewing me! So it's apt that I don't know what Barry learned in this issue (except maybe how to kiss somebody while in spandex and then hide the subsequent boner) but I know what I learned from it! Is that a good review of Flash #4? "I read it and learned something about myself"? I suppose it's better than "Joshua Williamson writes yet another mediocre Flash story where The Flash battles other speedsters and hangs out with other speedsters. I'm sure there will be time travel soon too!"

The Commentary!
Currently in Flashtown, just about everybody who is anybody can run at superspeed. It's like the city has turned into two different worlds. One where a bunch of jerks are running around doing things at superspeed as if their time is so fucking important and other people who are just walking about and doing things at a normal, reasonable pace. In my last commentary, I pointed out how superspeed would be wasted on me because I couldn't be bothered to exert the extra effort. But I think I'd change my mind if I could sleep and dream at superspeed! Then I'd have more time to do stuff at normal speed while awake!

The Flash is now conducting speed training classes at STAR Labs. I wonder if while training them how to use their powers, he's also telling them exactly how they should use their powers? Remember, Barry Allen is a micro-managing asshat!

How come I have yet to see a scene of Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor and Etta Candy discussing nuking Keystone City because it's become a threat to national security and the world? You can't have this many people with superspeed! It's irresponsible!

How do you train somebody to think fast? Throw things at them when they aren't looking?

The Flash is also investigating the new speedsters because he thinks one of them might be Godspeed. Why isn't he investigating the least likely person it would be? August Heart! Too bad The Flash doesn't know he's in a comic book where the most unlikely answer is the likely answer because SURPRISE TWIST!

Racist.

The Flash tries to make a dumb joke to Doctor Dhawan and she instantly thinks he's flirting with her. Just because your super hot and have super speed and your brain can calculate in an instant just how stupid my brain is, that doesn't mean everybody wants to fuck you, Doctor! Geez! You think you're such hot shit! I mean, unless you were just making a joke too! To make Barry feel uncomfortable because it's always funny to make somebody feel uncomfortable! Unless that person is one of those people who is all, "But I have a medical issue that makes it wrong for you to make me feel slightly uncomfortable! That's not a joke at all! It's a trauma!" Ugh! Maybe I have a medical condition where I'll die if I'm not slightly mean to other people! Have you ever thought about that?!

August Heart shows up at STAR Labs and is all, "I'm totally not Godspeed! Don't even think it! Name is August Heart! That's not the name of a bad guy!" And then Iris West shows up and is all, "I may be a blogger journalist but I've got ethics! So even though I could be totally famous and get lots of money and maybe a sweet ass Pulitzer to put that stupid Lois Lane in her stupid place, I'm going to share my news with you first Flash! Integrity!"

While Barry Allen is investigating Godspeed and flirting with Dr. Dhawan and listening to Iris yammer on about some conspiracy, he's being fired from his job with the police. And he knows he is! But he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "A Flash has got to do what a Flash has got to do!" Then he winks at Dr. Dhawan and Iris at the same time. So he blinks. And they don't know he's trying to flirt.

Flash learns from Iris that Dr. Carver, the leader of the Black Holes, was fired from STAR Labs for trying to weaponize the Speed Force. Somehow he retrieved a sample of the Speed Force which makes no sense to me. Is the Speed Force like pie? Can you just hack off a slice to do delicious experiments on? The Flash and Dr. Dhawan gear up to go find Dr. Carver but Godspeed...I mean, August is told to stay behind because he's still injured from his absorption of other people's Speed Force. I mean, from being beaten by Godspeed. Blink! I mean wink! Good thing Barry didn't let him come along because now Godspeed can appear at the warehouse to try to steal more Speed Force so he can avenge his brother while also yelling, "I'm not August Heart at all! Nobody think that!"

No technology Dr. Dhawan has ever seen?! But she's an über genius!

Dr. Carver is a mad scientist that is more mad than scientist. He claims he was trying to harness the powers of lightning like Benjamin Franklin before him. What kind of a scientist would make that claim about Ben Franklin? Okay, maybe Carver's sentence is a bit muddled and he only meant he was experimenting like Ben Franklin. Anyway, his slipshod knowledge of Ben Franklin's reasons for experimenting with lightning aside, Carver explains that being struck by lightning was what made him realize that The Flash shouldn't be allowed to keep the Speed Force to himself. And, of course, none of that makes sense. How come everybody knows The Flash got his powers from being struck by lightning but they don't know his secret identity? Is it because the idiot wears a lightning bolt symbol on his chest? Did Doctor Carver, the supposed scientist, base all of his claims on an assumption? How does anybody know that Speed Force is gained from some kind of lightning?!

You know what? I'm just getting myself worked up here! I should just remember Carver is a mad scientist and leave it at that. Godspeed will kill him soon anyway.

Carver activates a machine he wears called The Speed Machine and seriously fucks himself up.

Barry is an expert on Speed Force nonsense.

August Heart shows up with two disposable new speedsters to help stop Carver. Because August thinks Carver has answers to his brother's death years ago. He still doesn't have a catchy speed name. At least not one he can reveal to Flash without all of his plans falling apart.

I didn't want August Heart to become the bad guy but I'm pretty much all in on him winding up being Godspeed! I'm going to look like a fool if it isn't him! Or I can just point out that the writer messed up and never revealed the real secret plan of August being Godspeed. You know, like how Lobdell and DeFalco never got around to explaining how Harvest was really Tim Drake from the future after he'd been turned into a vampire.

Barry, Dr. Dhawan, and August steal Carver's powers using the same trick Godspeed used to steal the powers of the kids in Iron Heights. But they do it in a kinder way that doesn't leave Carver dead. Plus his lab is destroyed after the battle so now they have no more leads! Barry points out that it all seems too convenient. As if there's another villain pulling the strings! Like, um, you know: Godspeed!

But the comic book isn't over yet! Wally West still needs some story! Although he only gets half a page where he decides to go train at STAR Labs. Then it gets back to Meena Dhawan and The Flash who are in Boner City, Population: Barry's boner. I mean, Meena kisses him and, well, he's wearing spandex. It would probably be insulting to Meena if nothing moved down there. And because of the kiss (and probably because Barry has totally lost his job at this point), he reveals his secret identity to Meena! Which is probably a stupid move because she was hot for The Flash, not Barry Allen. What if she was already kind of grossed out by Barry? Now she's going to be all, "Oh, well, hey. Look at that. Is it too late to pretend I tripped and accidentally kissed you?"

The Flash #26

This cover really draws you in because you can't help thinking, "How did The Flash's body get so distorted and mangled?!"

I cooked actual food on Friday night which is not something I do a lot but something I generally feel I'd like to do more of. I've got a vegetarian recipe book with about a thousand recipes in it. Occasionally, I'll take out my gaming dice and randomly pick a recipe to cook. This time I came up with Tamale Pie and my first reaction was, "Great. A recipe where I have to do cooking and baking!" Although in the end, it wasn't very hard at all. Chop an onion. Chop a bell pepper. Cook them up in my wok. Add all the other shit. Throw it in a baking pan. Mix the corn bread topping. Drizzle it on. Throw it in the oven. Eat!

Don't look at my dirty kitchen floor! My business is cleaning floors and I hate to bring my work home with me!

What surprised me the most was that the corn bread topping actually tasted like corn bread! Cooking is magic! But now I have a huge amount of cornmeal sitting around that I probably won't need for any other recipes ever, so I guess I need to make corn bread muffins or something. I should probably do it before the other four eggs in the half dozen I bought go bad because I'll forget I actually have real food in the fridge.

I think the last time I cooked a new recipe was about a year ago. It was Spinach-Rice-Cheese Balls and I documented it in one of my Batgirl commentaries. So at the rate I'm going, I'll work through this recipe book in just over one thousand years! How's that immortality serum coming along, Science?!

So I should probably comment on the dead horse's head sitting on the cover of The Flash this month. Namely, the change in the creative team. Gage and Googe. Is this some kind of a joke? I can't take my Flash comic book seriously if it's written and drawn by the team of Gage and Googe! I was really hoping Manapul and Buccellato would remain tethered to this comic book for a really long time. Fuck their wants and needs and desires, DC! Make them stick with The Flash! Can't you force writers and artists to remain on a book as long as you want? What kind of impotent company are you running over there? Oh yeah. The kind without the sacks to fire Lobdell and Nocenti for failing to perform the duties in their job description. I'm pretty sure their job description is "writing comic books" and that is certainly something they are not doing. Although if "stringing together random phrases" and "ruining fan favorite characters" is actually what they were hired to do, then I apologize for calling them out and accusing them of failing to do their job.

The Flash begins on a positive note because the art falls under the category of "Arousing Tess's Subjective Aesthetic Sense Organs."

I'm easily confused so I like my comic books to look comic booky or else I sometimes begin to think I'm reading a history of past European political conflicts.

This opening page has been partially Lobdelled but I can forgive that because it's this creative team's first book. So if they want to approach it by beginning with The Flash stating who he is, that's cool. Just don't do it every issue after that! Plus, "Lobdelling" the first page actually calls for a full page, static image that bores the fuck out of the reader. And this image isn't boring at all! It's exciting! Look at all the bullet casings flying out of that gun as the woman laughs uproariously at the impending death of her foe! Also, it's educational! The Flash is answering trivia questions for the fanboys that are most assuredly listening to his thoughts as he battles this woman who may or may not go by the name "Spitfire" (according to the cover)! I'm so excited at the possibilities of this comic book that I have man lady-wood! That's an imaginary boner for anybody that needs to know that I'm not actually aroused at reading this comic book because it would have made them queasy to think that I actually had an erection as I was typing this. And even if I did have one, why would I tell you? My body parts are my business!

Spitfire has apparently murdered somebody close to The Flash but he's not letting me know who yet because he wants me to worry about Patty before he finally lets me know that it's his father figure at the police station. She gets away because The Flash can't fly and he apparently can't dodge Spitfire's bullets and still catch up to the plane before it takes off so he has to vibrate through the bullets which causes him to vibrate through the plane as he tries to grab on. Wouldn't it also cause him to vibrate through the ground so he'd lose traction and his feet would sink beneath the surface of the Earth and he'd have no way to get back above ground and if he went solid he'd die so he'd really be fucked? Maybe he's just really good at timing things so he's solid when his feet hit the ground but vibrating when the bullets pass through him and he never allows those two events to occur simultaneously. Which probably means he runs like a total spaz.

It turns out the person Spitfire and her crew hurt was Doctor Carlson. Oh yeah, that was my other guess! That it would be somebody I'd never fucking ever heard of.

Doctor Carlson was also Barry's first big crush although he isn't quite ready to admit that yet because he's still trying to be in love with boring old safe Patty.

Spitfire and her Sky-Gang are stealing deadly pathogens to sell on the Black Market. They probably chose to do their crimes in Central City because The Flash can't follow them into the sky. But they're wrong! The Flash is going to get a lift from the air force! Also, can't he do that tornado thing where he rides funnel clouds into the sky or something? Can't he spin his arms around really fast and act like a helicopter?

Spitfire is just so happy all the time! She's the best.

I hope The Flash can do that helicopter thing with his arms now that the pilot said, "Fuck you, The Flash! I'm outta here!" I suppose Barry will run along the fuselage and leap to Spitfire's plane now. Hopefully nobody will shoot at him so that he has to vibrate through the bullets which will cause him to phase through the plane again. Although I've seen the cover and it doesn't look too good for Barry! Although covers often lie to exaggerate the excitement and to keep the reader guessing. Unless they actually just lie to sell more copies because readers see the cover and think, "Oh my God! Look how fucked up The Flash's body is as he's falling out of that airplane? I wonder if he was caught up in a taffy pulling machine!"

The Flash runs along the clouds because of course! He's a scientist! He knows exactly the right vibrations to vibrate and speeds to move and which numbers to carry when doing the math in his head. He's very good at the technical mumbo-jumbo that's really very boring and not at all as exciting as seeing The Flash run along clouds. Unless you're into science and stuff and then it would be more interesting to see a show that proves how this could theoretically be possible.

This time The Flash is able to time his vibrating and his bullet dodging so that he can remain inside the plane. But he only remains for a few seconds before Spitfire convinces him he should leave.

I bet it's time for the helicopter hands trick!

Barry lands safely, gets the deadly vials to the authorities, and then rushes back out to find Spitfire. Meanwhile Spitfire machine guns her crew and takes off on her rocket-pack with her canister of deadly pathogens. All the while with a great big grin on her face! Are amoral people always this happy? Maybe I should give amorality a chance!

The Flash manages to guide the crashing plane into Walter Payton Memorial Stadium (unless it's still called Soldier Field for some stupid reason. What do soldiers have to do with Football?! I'm surprised it's not called Pizza Hut Park) and still has time to run back and capture Spitfire before she gets away in the greasy as fuck Chicago River.

Well, well. I guess she isn't always grinning like a fucking maniac. Although this look is adorable too.

The Flash #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was like an old school comic book with modern sensibilities. A fairly sub-standard villain with a crazy scheme stopped by the hero in a story that begins and ends in a single issue. Plus it does that thing that people say should be done in comic book stories but actually isn't really done as often as it should be where the story gives you a knew perspective on the hero or shows an aspect of the hero you haven't seen before or whatever. You know that old advice that professionals tell amateurs looking to break into the business but usually ignore themselves because they already have the job so they just tell another story where Batman breaks a guy's jaw and Alfred shakes his head and Catwoman sighs. So in this issue, we see how Barry Allen has the intelligence and scientific wherewithal to follow criminals wherever they may go even when they think they've got his chumpy old number! The Flash only good on the ground?! WRONGO, BUTTHOLE! Uh-oh. Now I'm picturing Spitfire's butthole. Excuse me while I take care of something.

Harley Quinn #1

Another cover with legless Batman! I'm starting to suspect he lost his legs below the knees in his battle against the Crime Syndicate.

Just for safety's sake, I'm going to hate this issue no matter what I think about it.

The stupid issue begins with Sex Kitten Harley (although I found the old costume way sexier and more kitteny) bailing on the Secret Society of Super-Villains meet and greet. Why would she want to work with another group after the shitty experience she had with Waller's Suicide Squad? And who wants to work for a bunch of Justice League wannabes anyway? So she heads back to Gotham, probably in the hopes of running into Mr. J. She hasn't had a really good berating in a long time now.

Her first order of business is to sit on the ledge of a building and contemplate her past. Her family was a disorganized bunch of screaming yahoos, so she decided to stay in college for as long as possible which meant getting her Doctorate in Criminal Psychology. She also must have realized that the best way to become a super villain was to go to college. Once in college, she had her choice of learning science or dating a professor until the professor broke her heart. She chose science! I think that's because comic book women in college only used to pick the professor back in the Silver Age when women only wanted to be wives and housekeepers.

Eventually, Harleen Quinzel accepted a job at the prestigious Arkham Asylum!

Didn't she take gymnastics in college or something? They just glossed over her entire academic career in one page!

Isn't about-to-go-crazy Harley simply the most adorable thing you've ever seen? No? I didn't think so either! Stupid bad artist that is getting everything wrong by making everybody so cute! The Joker doesn't look menacing at all! I just want to hug his face off!

While working undercover as a crazy time girl so that she could see the world through the crazy time peoples' eyes, Harleen discovers her love for The Joker. And when she gets yelled at by a superior, Harleen decides to fuck the entire place! How dare her manager point out how unprofessional she was being! It's time to get even!

Harleen may also have been a little bit crazy because of something the Joker did when he kissed her. There was a "clk"ing sound which could have been their teeth knocking together or it could have been the Joker biting her lip or it could have been the Joker's tongue working a hypodermic needle that injected Harleen Quinzel with crazy time juice. Or Harleen simply snapped because she was so good at compartmentalizing her ordered and her chaotic side. Maybe the "clk" was the Joker's crazy time charm locking away Harleen's ordered side for all time! It might be some kind of metaphor is what I mean. I don't mean he had a key on his tongue and he locked Harley's throat when he rammed it down the back.

Here we see the Joker turning Harley Quinn into an object that only he could love. Although I suppose it didn't really work since Floyd enjoys spending time in her clown car as well.

After the Joker gives her her permanent makeover, Harley hits the streets of Gotham to put together her outfit.

Oh crap. Women on women violence. I shouldn't be finding this so sexy! Dammit, Neil Googe! Why do you have to draw beat up women so hot!? I'm getting mixed messages that I'm too stupid to ignore! You're as bad as Jeff Johnson drawing nearly dead female Legionnaires in drop dead sexy positions!

Those stockings are pretty fucking cute though. But what game are they playing that uses a cane? Old person field hockey? Disabled in one leg cricket? Oh, who cares! Look at the stockings!

Harley manages to find enough other women with clothing that matches her new hair, so she beats them all up and builds her outfit. She also finds a novelty over-sized mallet in a pawn shop window that she just falls in love with. And that's how Harleen Quinzel became the Harley Quinn everybody fucking hates! Although I think she's totally adorable. She just needs better writers, is all.

Oh gee whiz!

This issue would be so much like the Lobo issue if they'd put Harley in her old costume on the cover and then have Harley hunting down the other Harley wearing her face and using her name and acting like Harley Quinn would ever join the Suicide Squad!

Harley begins to judge everybody for the way they choose to live their lives just because it's not the way she now chooses to live her life. She thinks that breaking free from the life she had been living makes her better than everybody else. As if everybody is living a shit life because they aren't making the choices she made. Everybody thinks they're on the road less traveled when they're really all just bunched together; everybody thinks they're the wolf among the sheep; everybody wants to think they're making the most out of life. Harley, you're just one of everybody.

Guess what, doll. Living outside of the box still puts you in a box of people living outside of the box.

Back in college, my creative writing teacher read aloud a story written by one of the students. The story was about how he had risen above the rest of the sheep by doing mushrooms. He was above the rules society had made and had ventured out further than most would dare to go! I believe he even used the phrase "a wolf amongst sheep." Yes, I sat there thinking that he was an idiot because it felt, to me, that the act of taking mushrooms was for him a way to step outside the box that everybody else lives in. And yet there I sat having only done mushrooms for the rip-roaring good times, the special effects, and the wonderful, exhilarating loss of ego that, if lucky, sometimes accompanied the trip. How could I have missed what a profound leap in the social hierarchy I was making? How could I not have documented such a grand step to rise above the other sheep in the world?! How could he think he was the only fucking jerk to ever do drugs? And to assume that the people who chose not to do drugs were meeker or worse at life than he was? At least his positive take on the experience was better than the negative cliche about people just using drugs to escape. I always described it like playing tennis. Some days I want to play tennis, some days I want to explore text adventure games on the computer, and some days I want to hallucinate. If taking drugs is an escape, so is every other fucking thing we do. But you can paint your activities in the light of avoidance or you can partake of them in the pure bliss of partaking in them. Or, like the creative writer, you can do them to be better than everybody else, I guess.

Harley seems to be reacting to all the pressure she felt while going through her college courses. Order comes from working and thinking, thinking and working. Those were two out of three of her main activities. The other was trying to ignore the chaos in her house.

Harley has done an awful lot of Narration Boxing in this thing.

After skipping out on the Super Secret Society of Super-Villains, Harley sets her free Gameboy plan in motion and blows the heads off a bunch of children in Gotham. She's still trying to win him back, isn't she?

Deadshot meets up with her because he's trying to keep an eye on her before she winds up back in the Joker's arms. Also, he's inviting her back to the Suicide Squad to help save Amanda Waller. He doesn't mention the ten million dollars she paid him though. He's probably just going to get her in on the action for free. Because getting paid is so in the fucking box.

Harley Quinn #1 Rating: I really did try to hate it but I actually kind of liked it. Even with all the Narration Boxing. I can't fault it for not revealing much of her relationship with the Joker because I'm sure that will be told somewhere at some time (like maybe in her comic book?). It was mostly the story of how she got her New 52 look. So the cover really should have read, "Harley Quinn's Uniform #1." Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't hate it. The art style was just too adorable. Cutesy animation style is my kryptonite.