Justice League 3000 #1

See, Aquaman lovers? That jerk didn't have any staying power!

Does this story take place in the year 3000 or is this the 3000th incarnation of the Justice League? Perhaps this takes place on Earth 3000? It's by Giffen and Dematteis but I have a feeling it's going to have far less Oreos than their old version of the Justice League.

The year is 3013 or something. The world is Bradbury Seven. The solar system is the Hanuman System. That sounds a lot like Human System! And the destroyed moon looks a lot like Earth's moon. And Earth is the seventh planet inward in our system if Pluto or one of its twins regains planetary status at some point. Or maybe on the way into our Solar System, it's quite obvious that Planet X exists out past Pluto and its brothers and sisters. The language is practically English except backwards as you can see from the beggar's board:

"Please feed me. Starving Artist."

Apparently ten years ago, everything was wonderful. But then, the narrator goes on to explain, The Five came. Right on everybody's faces. BLOOOORT! Party. Over.

When I say the party was over, I mean the power went out and the cake was left in the fucking rain. And it wasn't just on Bradbury 7. This happened across a thousand worlds! That's a lot of worlds. Although, on a universal scale, it's practically nothing. So I guess this is just a small time story about a scant few billion people affected by five big jerko cosmic terrorists.

It's also about one lone woman on the run: Ariel Masters! She has access to something called a Holo-Suit but she's been tracked down by agents of Cadmus who run something called The Project which, it sounds like, Ariel started but now refuses to be a part of. It's all very first issue and mysterious! Hopefully it remains this way as the story builds instead of dropping a "five years earlier" box on us.

Her ex-partners, The Twins, lay some more history out for the reader. Someone called The Convert seems to be the big fascist whatsit that had all the trains running on time and everybody living a life of peace. But not happiness which seems to be why Ariel and The Project and Cadmus came along. Maybe. To create heroes to liberate everyone. But those heroes seem to have caused more trouble than Ariel expected by destroying important infrastructure in The Convert's Commenwealth, causing lots and lots of collateral damage which means dead innocents but sounds better. So Ariel ran while the Twins, Teri and Terry, still believed in the cause.

Unless I got most of that wrong! I'm only five pages in and trying to put together all of the clues from the dialogue! Keith Giffen never makes anything super easy to understand. He's not getting paid to hold your stupid, cute hand.

This is Teri and she's trying her best to make me forget about Tig.

Meanwhile JL3K (which almost looks like "jerko" if you poke yourself in the eye and read it through your salty, salty tears) are busy beating the crap out of a bunch of people that are supposedly possessed by The Convert. I think "possessed" might be too strong a word. I think "were shown a better way of living and decided to side with The Convert" is probably more accurate. But then I'm only like eight pages into this comic book, so what the fuck do I know? Plus I keep thinking about Teri kissing me softly and handing me a big basket of tater tots. Man, Tig would never have done that for me! And after I let her suck my blood and eat my soul every time she needed a little something something!

Oh, I forgive you, Tig! I can never stay pretend mad at her!

Here are Superman and Batman picking up their rivalry right where they left off one thousand years ago.

JL3K have been programmed to be copies of the old Justice League that existed before "The Great Disaster." That was probably when Tim Drake as Vampire Harvest time traveled one too many times and blew one of the universe's chronological fuses, thus destroying nearly all sentient life in the universe. But Terry (not the Teri I love with all of my heart! Except the part that belongs to Tig!) believes they're not just programmed but somehow are the originals. Let's see...Wonder Woman full of passionate intensity. Batman calling Superman a jackass. Superman smug and full of himself. The Flash doubting his own thoughts. Green Lantern being called Hal. Yeah, they seem exactly like the originals to me! I bet after they're done with this mission, they'll go out for hotdogs and have a good laugh about their old friend, Arthur Curry.

Okay, so these guys aren't the five that fucked everything up. They're the five that were created to save the Commonwealth from the five but Ariel seems to think they're worse than the other five which is why she wants no part of them anymore. Maybe?

So Cadmus had samples of the Justice League's DNA on hand for a thousand years. And Ariel Masters came up with the idea to bring back the Justice League using the genetic samples. So now Cadmus has five super heroes that sort of vaguely remember who they were and act somewhat like the people they were but in exaggerated ways. JL3K were brought back to defeat The Five, one of which is The Convert. Were The Five also Cadmus experiments in bringing back heroes (or villains) from the past using genetic samples? Yeah, probably. So who would The Convert be? Who can control people using only their minds? Oh! Aquaman! Maybe that's where he is!

Teri and Terry's assessment of JL3K.

Justice League 3000 Rating: Oh, I liked this so I'll start it at Rank 20. It's got just enough tie to The New 52 to use that continuity to keep the characters interesting by playing off the dynamic of who they were but it's also got a heaping helping of Elseworlds to it so that Giffen and Dematteis can really do anything they want. And I like that aspect of it. I hope they go crazy with the possibilities.

In Which Baron Bedlam accidentally says, "Inukchuk!"

Justice League #25

It's hard to write a decent synopsis of the story so far when the story has been split up in a bunch of other comic books. So I guess I'll trust that the cover is portraying the main event in this book and just update what was happening in Dick Grayson's life: he had the ever loving fuck beaten out of him and he was being held prisoner by The Crime Syndicate. The only reason he was alive was because Owlman was acting sentimental. Everybody in the world also found out that Bruce Wayne's first ward, Dick Grayson, was Nightwing's secret identity. But nobody has moved on from "I wonder if Bruce Wayne knew about this?" to "Holy fuck! Alfred Pennyworth must be The Goddamned Batman!"

Last issue began showing the origin of the little shit Ultraman and how his dickbag parents sent him to Earth 3 to become the all-powerful ruler of everything. It was romantic and sad as Jor-il looked over at Lara as they realized they would never see their son again and yelled, "Shut up, Lara!" Now we get to see how little Owlman's life began.

Hmm. Nothing out of the ordinary.

That little shit Bruce pusses out of the plan to kill their parents and wrestles the gun away from his brother Thomas. While they're wrestling, good old Alfred Pennyworth walks up, picks up the gun, and shoots Martha and Thomas Wayne. Then he chastises Bruce and puts a bullet in him too. He may have gone a bit further than New Earth Alfred but he seems to maintain the same sense of loyalty and willingness to get the job done. But since this is backwards world, he probably makes a shit cup of tea.

Alfred, always knowing exactly what his Master wants, made sure not to kill Bruce outright. Now, Thomas puts a bullet in his head as he hears an owl in the distance saying, "What the fuck? Seriously?!"

Back on New Earth, is that fucking Plastic Man?!

That was a rhetorical question because how many people can there possibly be named "Eel?"

Eel is hanging out with all of the Chicago mob families as they discuss how they're going to get in on The Crime Syndicate action. Being normal, everyday, regular criminals, they realize they don't really have much to offer which means they have to get creative. Ha! I bet the last time a mafia guy was creative was when he let his wife fuck on top. I hope no mafia guys are reading this and thinking I just called them all unimaginative because of the way they consistently use violence and force to get what they want! What I meant was they're more cerebral and intellectual than they are whimsical and creative! Don't shoot me in the head and drown me in concrete shoes just because you misinterpreted my words, you stupid lunkheads! I mean, um, all of these comments are only meant to describe the criminal masterminds of New Earth! All you mafia guys on Earth Prime, you're all right! Keep up the good work! Don't mind me!

What am I worried about? Like mob guys can read or use computers! Pshaw!

Owlman, Narration Boxing from who the fuck knows where (a tree limb hanging over the proceedings? But upright on the limb! Not upside down like a stupid bat!) mentions how he likes to use the infrastructure already in place in a city. So you'd think he'd like to work with these Mob guys and continue to let them run things! But I sense a but coming up! And probably some explosions!

No wonder I sensed a "but" coming up! Because I'd already read it on the previous page where he says, "But sometimes that doesn't work!" The explosions I did guess though!

Oh! Oh! And look at those oil drums in the warehouse! I bet they house the chemicals that Eel will become doused in to become Plastic Man! This story isn't about Owlman at all! It's about that big fucking goofball, Plas!

Okay, okay. I guess it can be about both of them in equal measures. Speaking of equal measures, maybe I think I'm going to pick a random recipe tomorrow and do some cooking! Look out, stomach! And colon! And toilet!

See! Do I get some experience points for recognizing Eel O'Brian's nearly identical origin from the pre-Crisis universe?! Sure I do! But not enough to gain another rank. I'm still a Brother Comic Book Reader, brother!

Owlman kills all the leaders and then chooses the one that doesn't insult the fuck out of him. After that, he's off to speak with Nightwing about a job offer. One that Nightwing can't accept!

Hunh. I guess he needs the money more than I realized. This is why you should avoid debt at all cost! Because when you're desperate, you wind up working for a prick like Owlman! Or me! I should get some interns!

Maybe before Batman died, he told Dick Grayson, "Keep your enemies close and your friends closer. Because who wants to fucking hang out with their enemies all of the time? But if your enemies want to like, go get pizza or something and they're willing to pick up the tab, why would you refuse? Hang out! Enjoy it! You know how many times I've gone to the local porn theater with The Joker? Ha! Good times. Although better times when I go with Alfred! So remember, friends closer, enemies close, your left hand closest."

So Richard joins up with Thomas in the hopes that he can defeat Ultraman. Since that guy seems to be the biggest threat (simply because nobody wants to think about how threatening Deathstorm and Johny Quick might be), it seems like a good plan. Plus he can learn all of Owlman's weaknesses by bonding with him, like how Owlman loves Superwoman, and how Owlman has helped make a baby inside of her. I bet Ultraman would be plenty angry to find out about that! Which is, you know, why Owlman needs to build this plan to defeat Ultraman. Before Ultraman notices the fetus isn't half-Asshole Kryptonian and he decides to crush Owlman's head. And Superwoman's too, for good measure.

Justice League #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if Plastic Man is going to become all dark and gritty for The New 52! Maybe he'll have a really black sense of humor and he'll turn himself into torture devices invented by The Inquisition and shove himself up bad guy anuses so he can expand ever so slowly until all of their insides fall out through their ass. That's the kind of Plastic Man I want to see! Who needs that goofy guy always cracking jokes and turning into gigantic paper airplanes?! Comic books don't have a place for that kind of silliness anymore, Plas!

Stormwatch #26

Which Earth's?

I think this issue is going to give us the background on the Crayola Timelords. But I think a lot of things that aren't true. And this comic book has just sort of been throwing plot points at the wall to see if any of them are done. Most of them have not been done and wind up sliding down behind the stove to be forgotten. So I'm not even going to try to remember what the fuck has been happening. The main thing to remember is that Lobo has been trying to put out the universe's pilot light while the Crayola Timelords watch and shrug their Red-Orange shoulders. Or Orange-red. I forget which one of those was my favorite Crayola Crayon!

I wonder how much acid Jim Starlin dropped while writing this issue?

I miss doing acid and mushrooms. I bet they would make writing this blog interminable! You'd probably get commentaries that go on for hundreds of paragraphs as they continuously spiral around the same set of words that I've suddenly become fascinated by typing. The last time I did mushrooms was about ten or eleven years ago by myself and they weren't very potent. I watched Run Lola Run and played some Wizardry 8. I had not mind-blowing experiences. I did not see Gumby and nearly die from laughter, nor did I meet Data from Star Trek's look-a-like. The Data experience was one of the saddest moments in my entire life when I realized the truly horrible weight that existence puts on even the most perky and upbeat of us.

My friend Mike and I used to drop acid or eat mushrooms and spend the day at Great America Amusement Park in Santa Clara, California. One time in line for that stupid Viking ship that swings back and forth while everyone sits staring at each other with stupid grins on their faces expecting a fuck-load more excitement than is actually delivered, we saw a guy a few lines over that was nearly the spitting image of Data. Not Brent Spiner. Data. He had the sallow skin with the odd, painted or greasy texture that I always imagine Data's skin must have. Our friend Brad decided to go up to him and ask for a picture. We couldn't hear him as he talked to the Data look-a-like but you could see the moment of recognition in Data's eyes as Brad got the message across. His shoulders began to sag, his expression changed to despair and resignation, and a dead pall dropped down across his eyes. All of the happiness and exuberance that had been on display before Brad interrupted him drained away into the aether. He looked up for the camera without a smile and...and this is the part that crushed my entire outlook on the future and any optimism I had left that the universe was not a harsh, unrelenting destroyer of hope...he slowly, as if his arms were weighted with the decaying dreams of all parents who have lost their babies to randomness and disease, raised up one hand to display the Vulcan Salute. I have no idea what may have happened to that photograph that Brad took. I, for one, have never seen it nor been inclined to seek it out. I can only imagine that it holds a Ring-like Curse for whoever views it, causing their death to unfold in exactly seven days after looking at the image.

Man, acid was the best!

So Stormwatch has traveled far out in space so that they can learn the truth of the Crayola Timelords. I suppose A-I had to get them really, really far away from every other living thing so that nobody could overhear the truest truths of who they are. The Shadow Lords agree that this is the best course of action because nobody actually cares what happens to this Earth. It's probably Earth Wildstorm and DC is finally just throwing in the towel on the Wildstorm characters. I hope Grifter makes a return written by Charles Soule so that my head can explode as I suddenly find myself loving the character!

I still have to wonder if Milligan was going to make the Shadow Lords turn out to be Planetary. Now we'll never know! Unless somebody asks him!

I just asked him! Although it was via a submit box on his website that didn't take any of my information. So I don't know who he's going to answer me! But I can't worry about that. What do I know about technology? Maybe Peter Milligan will respond directly into my mindscape! I hope he doesn't do that because then I won't have any idea if I imagined it or it was a real response. Oh well, if I randomly believe that he answered me later, I'll let you guys know what he said!

Meanwhile, Apollo has a nice dream about how he met Midnighter. Or bad dream. Nice nightmare? Anyway, he wakes up with a start and provides one of the most scandalous pictures I've ever seen in a DC comic book.

Seriously? Lavender bedding? Midnighter and Apollo, I am fucking shocked and appalled.

Midnighter and Apollo have a touching moment of shared insecurities before they're called on to be productive members of Stormwatch as opposed to the lazy layabouts they usually are. What is this? Their honeymoon vacation in the Magenta Timeline? I wonder what's going to become of these guys once this book is cancelled. Will this whole Crayola Timelords Universe just cease to exist? What other comic book would be most likely to feature these guys? Because, really, I can give or take Stormwatch since DC seems to want to concentrate on throwing the gigantic cosmic crises at Justice League. But I'll miss these guys if they don't find another place to crash.

I'll probably miss Jenny Quantum too but I'm already missing her because we've got this imposter Jenny Soul to deal with right now! You know who else I miss? Jack Hawksmoor!

A-I informs Stormwatch that the Crayola Timelords are just a bunch of Luddites trying to mold at least one other race in the universe into beings like them. I suppose playing Bridge against other people that are part of your "Kollective" kind of takes out the surprise of your opponent's plays. So they need another race of aliens that will be able to manipulate time and space as well. Which just seems dangerous to me. You don't want anybody but yourself being able to change time or you're going to be pretty well fucked. Just look at the movie Primer!

Meanwhile, The Frog Navigator tries to give Lobo an attitude adjustment so he'll stop being so violent and erratic! See how he throws glasses? Look at him use the harsh words, "Fat chance!" I'm starting to suspect this isn't the guy that has committed genocide against several alien races. Perhaps Twat Lobo is the real Lobo!

"You'll feel much happier once you accept that you're a prisoner and not a slave. World of difference, 'Bo Bro!"

As Midnighter and Apollo explore another planet, A-I begins to speak of the Crayola Timelords as if they're religious fundamentalists. A-I points out how all of their beliefs are ignorant and harmful unlike A-I's beliefs which are the best because they're backed by computers and scientific theory! How ridiculous! How can science save your soul?! How can theory based on evidence be better than belief and faith?! Seriously, do you want to live forever or understand the workings of the universe? Your pick!

What? Fundamentalists are destroying the human race with their ignorance?! Ludicrous! How can a bunch of people that believe in an everlasting life in a faraway place and that the end times are nigh be a threat to our existence?!

Back in Earth Orbit, Mordak and Excremax the Ohmergerd decide to wait and see what Stormwatch does next. That's not a bad plan because if they wait long enough (four issues to be exact!), the problem will take care of itself!

Over in the Crayola Timelords' dimension, they have come to a decision. It's the decision they always eventually come to. They can never actually tackle their problems head on, so this is what they always do: go back in time and change the past. Can't deal with Jenny Soul being able to kill them? Go back in time and destroy the Earth before Jenny Soul is ever born. Problem solved!

Stormwatch #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know that the story in this issue actually jives with the stories in previous issues but I'm not willing to spend any more time thinking about the cohesiveness of this comic book's plotlines. This issue, standing alone, away from its peers, way out in the Magenta Timeline, tells a decent enough story and presents a nice conflict for Stormwatch to try and resolve. Sure, some of the players in the story had to just stand around waiting for next issue when something will actually happen. But that's because Jim Starlin might have created too many issues that he wasn't totally sure what to do with previously. But I think it's all coming together nicely for a big end of the Magenta Earth Extravaganza! Although Lobo was, once again, disappointing.

Action Comics #26

I hope before battling this creature, Superman made sure it wasn't just a misunderstood alien creature, the last of its race, looking for asylum on Earth.

Last issue, Clark Kent was having lunch in Metropolis when he heard Lana Lang and a bunch of miners scream for help as they were attacked by a monster. Instead of being annoyed and ignoring it because he still has ten minutes left on his lunch break like the rest of us would do, Superman flies off to the rescue! Although he might only be making this special trip because he heard Lana Lang scream, "Clark by God if you don't save me right now you will never again get a look at this perfect ass!"

I'm also not entirely sure when this story takes place. I think it's a bit earlier in Superman's career not long after Zero Year. Maybe two years at most? When does he meet Lois Lane and completely forget he ever dated a girl named Lana?

Squat thrusts? Picking up a penny? Imitating The Beast?

Since these miners have dug too deep and released a monster, can I accuse Greg Pak of stealing this story from Lord of the Rings? You know, in the same way that every weeaboo in the world scoffs that The Hunger Games are a rip off of Battle Royale? I just like to go around pointing out that everything was stolen from The Bible. "Meh. Jacob did that first." "*scoff* Can you say King David, anyone?" "Please, that was old when Jesus did it."

Look, I admit it! When I first heard of The Hunger Games, I said, "Oh, like Battle Royale?" But I didn't condemn it and decide it was the worst thing in the world and went around feeling superior because I already knew of a story where kids killed each other in some kind of government sponsored contest of gore. Or I might have gone around feeling superior about that. It's hard to tell since I feel superior all the time about almost everything.

Anyway, Superman arrives to save Lana from the gigantic monster. Yay!

Greg Pak must be stuck in his Batman Loves Superman mode because this and last issue do the same thing where we alternate between the inner minds of the protagonists. This time though we have Lana Lang's thoughts instead of crabby old Batman's. As Superman is worried by the monster (you know "worried," right? When an animal grabs another animal with its teeth and shakes the fuck out of it?), he thinks about how he still feels the need to impress Lana even though he's dating Wonder Woman. Well, that clears up that timeline shit! This is taking place in DC's NOW!

Also, Greg Pak uses "literally" again. He really likes that word. Which was the first inkling that he might not be the best writer in comic book history. My second inkling that he might not be the best was Batman Loves Superman #6. Ugh. What the fuck happened there? I was enjoying it so much up until that Batman becoming a Laser-Eyed Robotic mess controlled by Jimmy Olsen while trying to battle Mongul and high as fuck on Fury Blossoms.

Suzanne Collins also uses literally in places it never needs to be. See how I avoided saying she literally uses literally too much?! That's just the kind of responsible writing you'll find on this blog! It shows my grave restraint and self-control. Although I don't have that much self-control because I still typed it to point out how I avoided typing it.

Who cares if it's Lana's truck, Supes. Perhaps you should think twice before destroying anybody's property while battling the bad guys. You're perfectly capable of using fists and laser eyes.

Superman throws the truck at the monster because it's too late to salvage it simply because Lana is going to be supremely pissed at him. But Superman misses because he's no Arsenal. Why would Superman think he could make a weapon out of a stupid cargo truck? But something odd happens when Superman misses the monster.

I'd like to point you to the caption I placed under the cover of this issue. Thank you. I think I'll allow myself a Level Up for making the call that not everything is always as it would seem. That means I've gone from Initiate Comic Book Reader to Brother Comic Book Reader. Which sounds a bit strange. But that's the next title, dammit! Anyway, I won't be a Brother for long because a little pájaro has mentioned that I'll be leveling up again real soon when I read Vibe #10! I can't wait! I bet it's because we're finally introduced to Purgatorio!

I have the feeling "pájaro" probably has a slang connotation with which I'm unfamiliar. I just meant a little bird told me!

I do prefer it when strangers I meet call me "brother" though. It gives me that thrill that Charlie must have always felt when Desmond was about to save his life again.

I wonder how Krypto is going to feel about Superman bringing home a stray? And how the fuck is Superman going to keep this rescue animal fed? Hopefully it feeds off of sunlight just like Clark does. The whole playing fetch thing sends Superman into a moment of remembrance when he was a young boy in Smallville learning to ride a bike with no hands. Or wheels. Or ground.

The memory is also of Clark's first use of his heat vision when he nearly burned down Smallville. He could tell by his dad's voice that Pa was, even if just a moment, afraid of his son. Clark was a monster.

And then back to the present where Superman realizes the big monster keeps yelling "Stupid!" at everybody.

No, you're a weeaboo!

Superman destroys the Drone Planes firing on the monster. Lang and Sanchez react accordingly to the realization that Superman is helping the monster. Sanchez thinks he's a jerk but Lana trusts him. Even if he did destroy her truck and laugh about it. Dick.

If there wasn't already enough going on, Superman is suddenly attacked by some guy named Ghost Soldier. He wields two knives and a deadly mohawk. He also seems to create rings of fire as he flies. Probably because ghosts aren't supposed to fly that quickly because their ectoplasm reacts to the friction induced by high velocities through the atmosphere.

Ghost Soldier is able to make his knives intangible at will. This allows him to leave one stuck in Superman's chest, probably where his heart would have been if he wasn't Kryptonian. Superman can't control the creature and fight Ghost Soldier while a knife is sticking out of his chest, so he flies the monster back to the Kennel of Solitude before returning to figure out what the fuck is Ghost Soldier's problem.

Except Superman doesn't say anything. He just returns the knife and flies away. Lana realizes Clark was helping the creature so she decides to investigate the hole they were drilling to see if she can't find a clue to this mystery.

Now Pak is stealing from Lovecraft!

Superman feeds the beast back at home and sits back to watch it sleep. That's when it transforms into a little humanoid using Supe's cape as a binkie. Aww.

He should have fucking killed it.

Action Comics #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's probably all that needs to be said about this comic but I have something else to say. This was a $3.99 comic book and it only had 22 pages of story! The usual $2.99 books have 20 pages! Those were two very expensive pages, DC! I suppose it could be argued that the book didn't have any advertisements interrupting those twenty two pages of story which, I must say, was nice. But I wonder how much that stupid Mad Magazine insert played into the shortage of pages? Hopefully this is the last time I see that fucking thing! Although I doubt it since it's been infiltrating the December books now.

Green Lantern #26

Ha ha ha ha! What an asshole.

Last issue, Hal Jordan decided that there wasn't enough Spectrum Power to go around and the Green Lanterns should be in control of it all. That was the dumb decision he made. The good decision he made was to go after rogue Spectrum Users that have proven themselves to be criminals and all around dick dicking dicks. The first Ring Bearer he went after was a Star Sapphire named PB Anj. He promptly got his ass kicked by her and her gang. Serves him right!

Surrounded by dozens of laser wielding bad guys on a planet far out in the outer rim of the solar system, Hal Jordan believes he's in a position to make demands.

Uh oh! Now she's angry! Better add an additional charge of unlawful use of emotions!

Now that she's angry and being accused of emotions (as opposed to murder which is the real crime Hal should be throwing in her face), PB Anj and her crew really begin to kick Hal's ass. Kilowog's too. If he has one. He might poo out of his mouth for all I know. It would be offensive to simply assume he shit like a human.

Hal decides they need back-up, so he sends out a message to the rest of the Green Lantern Corps. This moment is so incredibly amazing and awesome that it had to be covered by Channel 52. Except the opposite of amazing and exciting. Which is par for the course for local news programs, you know? The cable news networks lie and guess and vamp because they have so much time to fill. The local news programs simply read press releases and show internet videos. I hate them all. I hope Ambush Bug can escape the Channel 52 Newsroom in the future.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Get over it already! Peak Emotion is a myth!

I know I've said it before and you know I'll say it again and it might seem like hyperbole when I say it but it's Jesus Christ's Gospel Truth: Hal Jordan is a fucking douchebag motherfucking idiot narcissistic asshole frat boy bastard piece of shit. He has decided to arrest anybody that he judges is abusing the emotional spectrum. So he hunts down one space female using one ring to commit some crime in the outer rim. But when she gets the upper hand on him, what does he do? He mobilizes every fucking Green Lantern in the Universe to come save his ass! If that isn't abusing the emotional spectrum, I'll find somebody with a hat and make them eat it!

How am I supposed to remember the names of the different Green Lantern Corps members when they're all orange and they all have one syllable names with the same vowel sound?

Look at these fucking dicks! They refuse to use their own rings so they can feel righteous in their belief that they're not draining the spectrum but their refusal to use their rings means somebody else has to use their rings to transport them! This is like somebody that loves to eat meat bragging about how they've never hurt an animal in their life!

Meanwhile on whatever planet Hal and Kilowog were on, Hal curbstomps one of the Braidmen. Except he does it against a bar and he uses his hands and not his feet. So he barsmashes his teeth out which is probably much better for some reason. The guy is the Lead Braidman and his son takes issue with Hal beating on him. Hal's advice to the kid?

Holy fuck, Hal. You're definitely not Indigo material.

"Better you grow up on the street with no guidance or care from an adult that probably loves you than have to be subjected to a life of ill-gotten material goods and shelter paid for by illicit means!" Maybe you should just kill the kid, Hal? Just put him out of his misery if his life is so awful with his criminal father.

The rest of the planet Dekann's civilians begin attacking Hal and Kilowog as well. But help arrives in the form of Iath the Tree Lantern and Gorin-Sunn the Flame Lantern. Not long after, the rest of the Lantern Corps arrives with Mogo following. Why did they have to expend all of their ring energy by flying when they could have just rode along with Mogo? At least 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 gets a cameo.

Le Sigh.

The Corps has a tough time getting the civilians of Dekann to give up. And it's not like they can just kill them. Can they? I've seen Green Lanterns kill various alien beings before. What's the policy on killing? Maybe I just thought I saw them kill aliens! I suppose it's a bit like every day police. They aren't supposed to kill people but as soon as they think there might possibly be the slightest hint that maybe their life might imaginably be sort of in danger, they feel justified in killing. Hal does command Mogo to drop down near the planet so that the planet is nearly torn apart by gravitational forces. I bet Mogo derives sexual pleasure from this maneuver.

Granack, PB Anj's head Braidman, decides to surrender himself and all of his men but only if PB Anj is allowed to go free. Hal reluctantly agrees because there are too many Green Lantern witnesses to get away with slaughtering everyone. But he forces PB Anj to give up her Star Sapphire ring. And since that's all he really cares about, Hal probably feels he won. Except then PB Anj lets him know that she's going to begin telling everybody she meets how the Green Lantern Corps are destroying the universe by using their rings. Whoops!

The Universe needs a fucking Snopes.com because this Peak Emotion is just a bullshit urban legend that's really getting out of control.

After Hal and the other Lanterns leave, the child from earlier and another civilian reveal that they are Durlans and that their plan is going better than expected. Some Four Armed somebody with a Fortress and a bunch of ancients are also part of their plan. That might mean something to Green Lantern fans but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Green Lantern #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. Hal Jordan is such a fucking prick. But at least he's consistent! I like consistency in my comic book characters and Hal never fucking disappoints! Nice fuck up this month, pal!

The Phantom Stranger #14

Can you find all the sexual imagery and innuendo on this cover?

You've got the anus represented by the eclipse. Zauriel has a flaming phallus as well as the word "sodomy" encoded in his shoulder pad. The Phantom Stranger is getting fucked from behind plus his name has "strange" in it. The number 52 is a sexual position where two people don't know what they're doing. Trinity of Sin is another name for a threesome. The material at Nightmare Nurse's waste is gathered in such a way as to spell out "rimbjob" if you squint hard enough and have faith. The Nightmare Nurse's thong is showing. John Constantine is thinking about sticking his cock in the back of The Phantom Stranger's head because he's totally into Sexual Position #52. Zauriel's wings are tinted red, so he's got his red wings. The punctuation in the title is called a "colon." They are standing on a Pentagram and Pentagram literally means five penises forming an asshole. Dematteis's initials stand for "jizz master." "The Stranger" is a masturbation technique. "The Phantom Stranger" is a paranormal masturbation technique. And that's all that I can see! If only I knew what the female secret place looked like, I might be able to find more!

I'm sure y'all can point out the ones I missed! Although I didn't actually miss them! I just want to give you a chance to find them and then I'll say, "Yep. Yep. I saw that one too. Good eye!"

Last issue, The Phantom Stranger and his best friends forever, The Question and Pandora, found themselves kidnapped by John Constantine and the Mini-Justice League Dark. I bet he spends most of this issue angry and whining.

Oh look! He doesn't disappoint!

"Waa! Waa! Waa! You have no right! You can't do this! This goes against the very nature of nature!" Boo fucking hoo, you stupid twat. Maybe you should have thought about some of these consequences before sucking face with Jesus Christ for some spare fucking silver!

So John Constantine hates to kill a few goats (which is what really makes me angry. Couldn't he have used dogs?!) but he hardly thinks twice when he has to sacrifice one of his best friends. Real winner, that chap. I hope he gets lung cancer. Again!

Apparently John didn't sacrifice enough goats because the Trinity of Sin escape from their shackles after about two minutes of captivity. I bet he would have gotten better results if he'd have used dogs.

The two groups brawl but it doesn't last long before The Phantom Stranger stops everyone so that he can suck the truth of their kidnapping out of Constantine's mind.

That's a lot of shit I don't have to summarize.

The Phantom Stranger finishes the thought with, "You failed." Well duh he failed! That's why he called on your crabby ass! He needs you to save Zatanna the world! Now fall in line or he's going to tell Dog on you!

Meanwhile, Dr. Thirteen loses his sidekick, Chris Hope. Instead of hanging around with the pervert Terrence Thirteen, Chris the Babysitter had decided to go home. But first he has to take a nap and be possessed by the Blight. Well, it's a job and I don't think he's going to be getting anymore babysitting gigs after his last couple of kids were murdered and sent to Hell.

The Phantom Stranger tries to walk away from Constantine but The House of Mystery is John's buddy and it's not letting The Stranger go so easily. It sends him to the Golgotha Room where The Stranger has to face the reality of Jesus seeing Peter's house.

That's what I've been telling him for fourteen issues now, Pandora! He doesn't fucking listen.

I think Judas was punished because he set all that shit in motion that got Christianity up and running. God had probably just sent Jesus down for summer camp and then he got all wrapped up in the Jewish fight for freedom and their own land when he was supposed to simply just be learning how to make a nice chest for his dad to keep his holy shit in.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles where we hardly ever get to see super heroes, Black Lightning watches his buddy, Blue Devil, sucked down into Hell by a gang of demons. Or a demon gang. Whatever. I'm sure it will be important later!

The House of Mystery returns The Stranger and Pandora to John's fake Rock of Eternity/Foyer so that he can agree to help them on his own terms.

The passing of the coin along to Asa is a really nice and interesting touch. And what will it portend for the future, the coin being in The Nightmare Nurse's hands?

Back at Terrence Thirteen's place, The Blight has finished possessing Chris the Babysitter. What that means is that Chris the Babysitter, now Chris the Blight, looks like a medieval douchebag covered in scales and bone armor. Chris the Blight figures it's time to punish Constantine for attacking him in the nice, cozy recesses of the collective unconscious. He smashes into The House of Mystery, causing it to crash into the bay along with the Mini-Justice League Dark.

The Phantom Stranger #14 Rating: +4 Ranking. This comic book made me feel things for Constantine and The Stranger that I haven't been feeling lately. Much the same way that Charles Soule has made me feel about the Swamp Thing. I'm beginning to care for some of DC's Rebooted characters! It's only taken about two years for me to get emotionally attached to some of them and, I admit, it's not many. There's Tig and Nightmare Nurse and Naomi and Alysia and Swamp Thing and Constantine and Wesley Willis and Damian Wayne and Socks and Mera and Aquadog and Mouse and several dozen of Mouse's rats and Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham and Captain Cold and The Folded Man and Abby Arcane and Power Girl and The Huntress and Kate Kane and Bette Kane and Mr. Bones and Maggie Sawyer and Agent Gunn and Agent Gunn's husband and Black Orchid and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Dyrge and Supergirl and Silver Banshee and Bleez and Guy Gardner and the Anguished Fat Guy and The Mad Hatter and Dick Grayson and Deadshot and The Butcher of Gotham and Ugly Cat and Lobo and Twat Lobo and Jenny Freedom and Doctor Thirteen (the older one!) and Midnighter and Dex-Starr and I think that's all.