Rogues Rebellion #1

Mirror Master, that gun doesn't fit your theme! Unless it shoots mirror bullets that only kill people when you shoot their reflections! That would actually be a cool gun! Albeit of limited use.

When the Crime Syndicate decided to take over Earth Prime (or Earth Zero (or New Earth Prime (or New Earth Prime Zero Hour Year Infinity 52))), some super villains decided not to join their stupid Secret Society of Super-villains. Or maybe some of them just didn't receive an invite via Fancy Latin Coin. And, of course, Monocle just got his head blown off instead of joining which really seems, to me, like a poor decision. To each his own, I guess!

The Rogues decided to protect what is theirs in Keystral City because they have a motto: "Bros over nightmare assholes from another dimension." It's not a great motto but it's easy to understand! I guess this comic book is their story!

After returning from the Secret Society meet-up in Happy Harbor, The Rogues return to Keystral City to find it in ruins. That's because they helped stop the city from being destroyed by apes but then left for a few hours and forgot to lock the doors and the apes got back in while they were away.

The apes did that to him! I hope they didn't get The Folded Man!

After finding Girder crushed because he was a stupid one panel villain from The Flash's early run and destined to become cannon fodder, The Rogues wander into the Forest of Chained Up Cops. It's beginning to feel like The Wizard of Oz! Captain Cold is Dorothy because he's the main character and he wears blue. Mirror Master is The Tin Man because he spent so many years trapped inside a prison unable to love. Weather Wizard is the Lion because fuck you, he just is. Heatwave is the Scarecrow because their names have two syllables and they both have an issue with fire. And The Trickster is Toto because they're both annoying! They're all perfectly analogous to each of the other characters! Only stupid dumb internet monsters that love to argue couldn't see it! It's so blatantly obvious!

So Captain Cold must find a way to return to his beautiful Keystone Kansas as opposed to this war-torn realm full of non-flying apes and evil pig trees. But to save his home, he must first find Glider the Good Witch and make sure she's okay.

Yep! She's fine! Next on the agenda?

The Rogues stand around Glider's room in their ridiculous costumes trying to have a seriously emotional moment. "How is she? What do we do?" asks the green hooded guy in the half-face mask with the dumb orange body suit, desperate to save the woman he loves. "I don't know," says the man in the furry hoodie with the Devo glasses and yellow cummerbund and the white ski boots, sick with worry for his comatose sister.

Before the tone gets too depressing and serious and super hilarious seeing as how they all look so goofy while crying and being emotional jerks, Firestorm's Rogues Gallery arrives to bring them a message from the Crime Syndicate.

Since Grodd and his apes represented the motorcycle riding monkeys, these guys must be the subway trashcans full of teeth.

Should we play a guessing game? Who would best match up with whom? Captain Cold versus Typhoon should be over immediately although I have a feeling Typhoon will end up comparing weather phenomena with Weather Wizard. The Hyena obviously wants The Trickster, so I guess I have to give them that one. Captain Cold (since I stole Typhoon from him) will match up with Multiplex so he can freeze his various aspects. Heatwave can set Black Bison's headdress and magic staff on fire. And Mirror Master can hide himself and Glider inside the Mirror World, away from Plastique's explosions. Or maybe Captain Cold will just defeat them all because Captain Cold is the greatest Rogue ever.

Hearing is definitely a sense!

Heatwave begins by calling out the "hot little ginger." At first I thought he meant Hyena but it seems like he's going after Plastique. My gut reaction when calling the pairs was to put these two together but it just seemed too dangerous! I don't think anybody is going to win this fight because they're all going to become trapped in a burning building whose structure has been weakened by dozens of explosions!

See!? Remember, this is all going down in a hospital corridor!

It turns out I was slightly wrong. For some reason, Plastique and Heatwave took their fight outside. Safety first! I noticed because on the next page, Weather Wizard and Typhoon are measuring their tidal waves out by a fire hydrant.

Weather Wizard's is bigger.

Trickster matches teeny, tiny wits with The Hyena while Captain Cold battles Black Bison because they're the leaders of each group. Captain Cold also has to battle Multiplex because why not? Put down the guy giving orders and the rest of them won't have to listen to any more orders! I think that helps in battle somehow. Although Mirror Master isn't listening to Captain Cold's orders anyway since he leaves Lisa's side to help Captain Cold with Multiplex.

Ha ha! Mirror Master is going to kill all of Multiplex's clones by starving them to death!

Since Mirror Master was supposed to be watching over Lisa, that means Black Bison probably now has her and is going to threaten her life to get the Rogues to stand down. That's just the kind of wacky thing that usually happens during gang fights.

Except Black Bison never reappears with Glider because there are only two more pages left. One page is used for Captain Cold to yell at Mirror Master for not following orders and the other page deals with the appearance of Deathstorm and Power Ring. They're here to kill the Rogues because what else can you do to those assholes that click "decline" on your party evites? Fuckers.

Rogues Rebellion #1 Rating: I'm going to start this at Rank #26 because it was a pretty decent comic-book comic book (can you use a noun as an adjective to describe the exact same noun? Is that allowed anywhere besides my commentaries? It's more than allowed here!) but there really wasn't anything extra special sauce about it. The worst part of the entire experience was having to look at that advert for Scott Lobdell's next big story arc, KRYPTON RETURNS! Can't he just fucking write his comic book without rubbing his stink glands all over the other Superbooks? Stop uniting them with ridiculous "alternate timelines" stories. Why couldn't he leave his X-men shit at the door to DC's offices?

Superboy #24

Do you think the Psycho Pirate already owned that suit when he stole the Medusa Mask or do you suppose he had it tailor-made afterward? I like to think it was his casual Friday outfit.

I just answered the phone and said, "Hello." There was a five second pause when a robotic, female voice on the other end said, "Goodbye." I then imagined my house blew up as I threw myself onto the bed in slow motion. True story as opposed to some of the other stories I tell here which aren't true or, at least, I try to make them seem like they're not true because they're too embarrassing to fully embrace.

Have you ever wondered where Scott Lobdell gets his ideas? Well, let me tell you! I try to avoid spoilers but every now and then one catches me right in the mouth. So I know Lobdell has said that he's killing Superboy in Issue #25 to replace him with Hel's son, Experiment #1. The first thing this tells me is I'm fucked because Scott Lobdell is once again writing Superboy. He is also continuing to write Superman which proves something else: DC doesn't care about Superman anymore. They've hung all their monetary hopes on Batman and are just letting Superman rot in a field as Scott Lobdell defecates on him again and again. But getting back to Scott Lobdell's ideas! Where does he get them?!

The cover of Superboy #23 had Superboy fighting Superboy. It wound up that one of the Superboys was merely Psycho Pirate playing games. But Scott Lobdell probably saw it and thought, "Oh yeah! Superboy should fight Superboy! And he should lose! That would garner some attention for me and maybe bump up my royalty check!" Of course, the cover probably came out long after the script for Superboy #25 was written so I'm not saying he actually walked into a comic book store and saw the cover and had his great idea. He was obviously working with Justin Jordan (why else would Jordan walk?) on the H.I.V.E. psionic wars bullshit, so he would have known that Superboy was seemingly fighting another Superboy. Lobdell simply gets ideas from his own (or others but usually his own because I don't think he makes a habit of reading other people's stories) ideas and cannibalizes them. Which is why he had three or four different versions of his Hector Hammond story in Superman over the last half year.

Superman #18-20: Hector Hammond almost destroys Omnithing by taking over Superman's mind. But Orion saves the day by erasing Hector's memory with Mother Box. Threat averted!

Superman #21-23 and some Action Comics as well: Hector Hammond returns to save Omnithing by battling H.I.V.E. because his motivations are different now. That's because Lobdell thought up a different story to write while writing the first story and had to write it. And since Mother Box fucked with Hammond's memory, everything can be different now somehow for some reason.

Action Comics #22-23: Hector Hammond is now best friends with Superman and working for H.I.V.E. because this story takes place before Action Comics #24 and the other Psi-Wars stories. Does anybody want to bet me that the conclusion to the Psi-Wars story doesn't wind up with Hector Hammond working for H.I.V.E. and being on decent enough terms with Superman that Superman just lets him float around in space doing fuck knows what with H.I.V.E.?

Lobdell has done the same type of thing in Teen Titans and Superboy as well. He begins a story going one way which veers a totally different direction in the next issue. He doesn't seem to have a handle on cause and effect. He also doesn't understand writing consistent characters with organic and well-thought out motivations that make sense to each individual character. But why should he care when he can always blame everything on demonic possession or mind control or time travel or computer simulations? It's easy to write yourself out of a dead end when you can't fucking write.

I should probably have an intervention to help me deal with my Scott Lobdell Hatred.

This issue begins with the confrontation between Psycho Pirate and Superboy instantly fizzling out.

The Justice League should hire Psycho Pirate to just hang around to deescalate any hero on hero violence that might crop up every fucking month.

Quiz time! Why is that second panel so fucked up? Send your answers to: DC's Shitty Editors, 1700 Broadway, Gotham City, New Jersey.

Psycho Pirate's manifestation tells Superboy that he knows something that Superboy doesn't know and that, in just a second, he's going to tell Superboy this thing because that's why he manifested all the way out here while battling Superman! Because he had a really important thing to tell Superboy that he's just about to get to after a nice, long dramatic reveal that his super secret is going to be super important! And that secret is...

Never mind. It was too important to reveal only four pages into the comic book.

Doctor Psycho explodes Psycho Pirate's manifestation so that Psycho Pirate can't reveal his secret. So if Superboy were paying attention to pop culture media at all over his entire two years or less of life, he'd realize that Psycho Pirate's secret probably would have exposed something that Doctor Psycho didn't want people knowing. Like maybe he's crazy?!

Or, as the actual secret is revealed quite quickly despite Doctor Psycho's attempts to stop it, Doctor Psycho is siphoning power from Superboy to enhance his powers while draining the strength from Superboy. Doctor Psycho's argument is that Psycho Pirate is a liar. And Psycho Pirate's rebuttal is "Nuh-uh, you are!" Which inevitably leads to a recounting of Doctor Psycho's origin story.

There it is! Some jerk gave him a nickname! He can't help to grow up and become a Psycho now.

Before reading Doctor Psycho's origin, I wandered over to Facebook where my friend, Soy Rakelson (you might remember him from past commentaries!) posted this quote from Oscar Wilde: "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." I don't think he did it ironically. I wonder if Oscar Wilde wrote that line in response to being quoted by people while knowing that people would quote it and he would laugh his dick off.

And now, The Super Secret Origin of Doctor Psycho! Doctor Psycho was not named Doctor Psycho before he became Doctor Psycho. He was Edgar! Edgar something or other. I forget. But that part doesn't matter! What matters is that he was erased from existence! No, wait. That's not quite right. He still existed but nobody else knew that he existed. It was all a fabulous plan by H.I.V.E. to kidnap him without having to deal with the pesky consequences of kidnapping. But Doctor Psycho engineered an escape which allowed him to escape! He was free! But now he hated H.I.V.E. and wanted to destroy them but he couldn't destroy them because he sucked at having psychic powers. What he needed was a battery to make him more powerful! And then he found Superboy and rode that fucker until his penis popped! The end!

Ha ha ha! Nice jab at Tott Dedell, Jordan! Again! This is the second time he's called out Tott Dedell on their fucking stupid bullshit Superboy opening pages.

This "living organ" is a nice bit of foreshadowing for the coming of Experiment #1 whom I just remembered I was calling Jon-el. Will he just take over the Superboy name and be Jon-el instead of Kon-el? I wonder where Jordan was going to take the Superboy story if he'd stuck around? I posted an excerpt from an interview with him where he said this comic would have less Harvest and H'el and then he laughed. But if Jon-el is coming back, that means Harvest is going to come back as well. No wonder Jordan left. He was probably being pulled into all of Scott Lobdell's shit stories and who would want to be stuck writing shit that makes no sense?

Oh fuck you! My shit does to make sense! Does too? Dammit, I'm not making any sense!

Everybody wants a piece of that superass.

Pyscho Pirate gets Superboy and Doctor Psycho to begin a gigantic Psychic Brawl while he sits back and absorbs all of the Psychic Shrapnel. I'm beginning to think he wouldn't be a good fit in the Justice League organization at all. They fight amongst each other enough without him sitting in the corner manipulating them so he can get his psychic rocks off. Also, his non-psychic rocks as well.

Pyscho Pirate removes Doctor Psycho's knowledge of Superboy from him because nobody wants too many people knowing Superboy's secret: that, after countless issues (or maybe a dozen or two. Some people can count that high, I suppose) of being told that Superboy is a living weapon, it turns out that he is not a living weapon at all! He is an organ incubator so when Jon-el needs a new kidney or penis, he'll have one waiting for him in Experiment #2. Too bad their organ bank spontaneously generated awareness and escaped with all the yummy organs.

Doctor Psycho tries to steal too much energy and causes a Psychic Explosion which sends Superboy into a Psychic Blackout. He probably would have woken up in a puddle of his own puke except Krypto was there to eat it. And then the comic returns to the beginning of Superboy #20 when Justin Jordan took over. Superboy's powers have been stolen by Psycho Pirate and he's being held prisoner. Next issue: The Return of Krypton!

Oh fuck. Boooo! Suck it, H'el and Lobdell and Oracle!

Superboy #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I predict this was the last well-written, understandable issue of Superboy for a long time. It's a shame because I think Justin Jordan would have done this series justice. Can we go back in time and put him on board for Superboy #1? Oh! Maybe he can write a New 52 Kon-el Superboy once Jon-el takes over the role next issue!

Constantine #7

He can have my soul! Along with my unicorn and my Tooth Fairy and my virginity and my sense of childlike wonder!

How many people picked up this issue and couldn't remember what had happened in Issue #6? Well, probably nobody that reads this handy reference blog where they can just click on the Constantine link in the sidebar to get a list of commentaries on all the issues and have a quick read about Issue #6! Of course, you'd have to wade through all of my bullshit about Godzilla battling Superman. But it's still easier than digging through your comic book boxes to give #6 a quick flip thru.

Also, you could just wait until this paragraph where I say, "Last issue, Constantine almost died but he didn't because he was saved by his new best friend: Mister Voodoo! I mean Papa Midnite! I don't know which name is more offensive! Probably because I have no idea what is offensive and what isn't offensive and I often just try to pretend to understand.

Oh yeah. The Cult of the Cold Flame also ransacked his New York Apartment. And judging from this panel, turned his landlady into some kind of vengeful guardian demon spirit that pushes hard candies and 7-Up onto her guests.

Meanwhile Mister E is using Constantine's magic items to discover the location of all the other mages in the world so he can, as the cover says, steal their souls. He also talks like Foghorn Leghorn so forgive me if I don't find him threatening in the least.

I'm not sure if this panel is supposed to make me believe Mister E is less like Foghorn Leghorn than I originally thought because it's actually strengthening my opinion.

If Mister E is Foghorn Leghorn, who is John Constantine? The Chicken Hawk or the Barnyard Dog? I suppose he plays both roles depending on the situation. Sometimes he's the victim and sometimes he's the other thing. Whatever you're called when you're not the victim. The Man?

While Mister E steals the power from The Witch of Deepwater, John Constantine heads up to make sure Dotty his landlady is okay. She hasn't been turned into a demon or anything. She's just had a minor Fake Visit From Your Dead Husband Cantrip placed on her, so she's all happy and sad at the same time. John decides he needs to remove the spell so she's just sad. But at least she won't be under the influence of a spell anymore! That was a close call.

Also meanwhile elsewhere as well, Tannarak the leader of the Cold Flame performs a ritual that will...well, I don't know what it will do. Probably make him really powerful while leaving all of the Cold Flame officers and recruits powerless and betrayed.

Here's how the ritual is done just in case you wanted to become all-powerful. First, litter your yard with shit acquired at garage sales. Then hold your replica Stormbringer sword into the air and yell, "These are magic symbols. Abraca dabra hocus pocus abraca dabra hocus dabra. Newport news Walla Walla Washington. By the power of this magic junk, I have the power!" Congratulations! You now rule the world!

Sargon travels to New York to mock Constantine while she waits for Mister E to return with a couple sackful of mage's powers which she'll absorb to become powerful enough to kill Zatanna. Hopefully she doesn't gloat to John that she's about to do that because I'm nearly positive he'll jam a lit cigarette in her eye if she does. She's also absorbing one-third of the power from Tannarak's ritual. So I guess Tannarak didn't betray his buddies. Looks like The Cold Flame actually cares about three of its hundreds of members. That's refreshing!

If he actually winds up shoving that thing in Sargon's eye, I'm changing my title to Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

Sargon continues to mock John because that's the only reason she came by to visit. She tells him Mister E will be around to kill him so why the fuck is she here? Oh yeah. To see the look on his face when she tells John that he lost and that everything he accomplished in the last five years all ended up serving the purpose of The Cold Flame. She also decides to get extra close to John so she can wrap her extra long finger around his neck because she used to dream of choking him. Is her secret identity Princess Unicorn Pants?

Sargon's father said her dream meant she would one day choose John's fate. And it seems he may have been right because Sargon winds up kissing John and then taking off with him. I guess she's in love! I have a feeling she just fell in love suddenly because it was John's last trick. Or John could actually be surprised by this weird turn of events. It's hard to tell when magic is involved. I am sad that I won't be referring to myself as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader though.

While John and Sargon are off fucking, Mister E gets Constantine's ex-wife to join the Cult of the Cold Flame. It's either that or Mister E kills her. I'm not sure what happens to their daughter. Does The Cult of the Cold Flame have a daycare?

This sex ends how most sex ends with a blind man smashing Constantine in the back of his head with a magic rod.

Constantine #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Hopefully Constantine can keep away from the non-magic superheroes for awhile, at least in his own comic book. I liked this much better than some of the earlier issues. It feels like Fawkes might have finally found his footing in the story and knows what he wants to do with Constantine and the Cult and the big three magic baddies in that cult. Plus Etrigan had a cameo! And this story didn't take place in Chicago!

Nightwing #24

At the end of last issue, Zucco gave Nightwing a choice: team up with him or watch Chicago burn. Hmm. Looks like we know Dick's decision!

I just spent a few days in Las Vegas, my lips are super chapped, and I can barely speak. So I guess I'll read a few comic books to decompress.

Being that Nightwing was in the middle of a story when he was kidnapped by The Crime Syndicate over in Forever Evil, I'm sure they'll finish that plot up here before heading to Nightwing's Zero Year episode next month. After that, maybe Dick will be free from the grasp of his Earth 3 Bestie and allowed to continue with his own life. Hopefully in Gotham. Can we please leave Chicago far behind for a very long time now? Besides, DC, it's weird when you decide to have real cities next to their fake cities. Isn't Central City supposed to be a Chicago or Indianapolis analog? Was Coast City supposed to be Seattle? As a student of DC Comic Book Geography, I might just be at the bottom of the class. The only student beneath me is DC Comics themselves. I still can't believe Green Lantern flew over Detroit while heading from Gotham to Metropolis way back in Justice League #1.

Nightwing and his new sidekick, Finally Apprehended for Murder Boy.

Tony Zucco explains that The Prankster isn't some revolutionary out to change the city or to bring down unethical politicians or to feed stupid homeless people that aren't smart enough to have homes. It's simply about a son that lost his dad and now has severe Super-Villain Causing Daddy Issues. The Mayor and his brother killed an engineer that they had worked with on Halloween and the man's son found him dead on the lawn. The son was wearing a Prankster outfit. Too bad the man didn't have a daughter so that Nightwing could be battling a sexy construction worker right now.

I think I met a stripper super villain in Vegas this weekend. She told me her name was Princess Unicorn Pants and for $25, she'd stab me in the face and choke me. All that for $25?! How could I refuse! I wonder if that's why I can barely speak now? It could also be the cause of my spontaneous loss of depth perception.

It is nice to finally have a Daddy Issue Header for this blog since 95% of DC's characters are motivated by them.

"Where's Mommy?"

Tony Zucco points out to Nightwing that tonight is Halloween and that everybody is going to die. Are kids allowed to Trick or Treat in Chicago since they have a no masks policy? I suppose they can still go as somebody who doesn't wear a mask. Which, metaphorically speaking, leaves no costumes to choose from.

The Prankster sets the Mayor loose with the means to stop a bomb that will level part of the city. But he drops him off in a neighborhood filled with people that would like to kill him for the damage he's seemingly caused the city. I suppose that could be any neighborhood, actually. But The Prankster makes sure it's a neighborhood with people rough enough to feel no qualms hitting a guy in the face with a baseball bat. Luckily for the Mayor, Nightwing and Finally Apprehended for Murder Boy come to the rescue.

I'm almost certain Finally Apprehended for Murder Boy's battle cry is "Say you like dick! Say it! SAY IT!"

Nightwing stops the mob and sends the Mayor off to safety with FAM Boy while Nightwing runs off to stop the bomb. Thankfully The Prankster put the bomb on a subway car so it can easily be moved and dropped in the harbor. Nightwing rides the train to its destination (because he needs to be there to throw some Batarangabombs at the bridge over the harbor), jumps from the train at the last second, swims away from the blast, and climbs back on dry land just in time to be choked by Princess Unicorn Pants The Prankster.

Instead of choking to death, Nightwing decides to save himself by having Finally Apprehended for Murder Boy show up in the nick of time to shoot The Prankster in the back. Great plan, Dick Grayson! The second part of Nightwing's plan is to leave the scene before the police get there because who wants to deal with a misdemeanor fine of wearing a mask in the city? He leaves Finally Apprehended for Murder Boy to deal with the aftermath and take the credit for shooting The Prankster and saving the city.

Fine. So he doesn't take any credit. He just takes it like a good Sidekick would. There may be hope for him yet! But not for his son who will become a major Super Villain when he gets older because his father wasn't there for him.

Dick Grayson heads back to his apartment to tell his roommates that the reason he came to Chicago has come to a resolution and he's ready to head back home to Gotham City.

Oh Goddammit!

Foul temptress! Don't tell him a story that equates to Dick Grayson having found Chicago to be his new favorite place! I hate you, Joey the Roommate! You're the worst character in The New 52 so far! And while I can't remember most of the worst characters I've hated, I'm still fairly confident that I'm making an accurate assessment of your suckitude. I hope this apartment has a large enough refrigerator for you!

Meanwhile, Tony Zucco probably isn't going to jail even if he wants to because The Mayor and his lawyers want him free. So they make his family disappear so that he doesn't have a son to worry about anymore and put him back to work.

Double Meanwhile, Dick's other roommate Michael has a friend that wants to keep Chicago free of heroes. He believes Nightwing will bring Gotham's madness to it and he's prepared to stop it "by any means necessary." And "by any means," he means putting on his Ghostwalker costume and kicking Dick's ass out of Chicago. So he's got my support!

Nightwing #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. Every issue that Dick is still in Chicago, I'm going to subtract a rank from the comic book. Dick Grayson had better hope his future adventures in Chicago are super extra duper fun to counteract the automatic drop in ranks each month!

Suicide Squad #24

Will this be another Forever Evil tie-in where we catch a glimpse of the eclipse? The somehow permanent, world-encompassing eclipse?

The advertisement on the back of this issue just looks like a joke show from NBC about Dracula coming out this fall. But even better, look what happens when you cover up a little bit of the image:

At least Dracula's catchphrase can still begin with "I want to suck you..."! I also added some pubes for effect.

I'm leaving that in for my Blogspot readers since I couldn't wait to share it with my Tumblr readers and have already posted it! Now I'll read about Deadshot getting manhandled by Power Girl, Captain Boomerang getting his shit smashed to pieces by Steel, and Harley Quinn looking super fucking cute in her Harley Quinn Winter Attire.

The issue begins with Amanda Waller using a new piece of bait to get Deadshot motivated to do one last mission for her. I thought she had just given him ten million dollars to come save her but when she contacts Deadshot, he tells her he and Harley are busy doing her mission. So I guess she felt fine trapped in Belle Reve with her Team 7 training and her huge fucking sack of bad ass courage. I don't mean sack as in testicles. I mean sack as in a bag in which you carry things. But now she has a new mission for him and to get him to go, she tells Floyd she has intel on a girl Floyd has been seeking. I'd guess that it was his little girl but we already saw that he gets visits from her when he does good. Maybe he lost contact with her due to the eclipse and the power outage. Or maybe Floyd just couldn't find his junior high school crush on Facebook so he told Amanda about her in the hopes Waller would seek her out for him. But now Cobra is about to get their hands on the Weather Weapon and she needs Deadshot to get a team together, head to Colorado, and find the weapon first! Shit, Amanda. No problem! The power is only out everywhere and nobody Floyd knows has the power of flight or teleportation! I'm sure he'll get right on that!

Surprise! Their first recruit is Broome Beer! I mean, Boomer! Also note that Carmine Infantino has his own ale.

Deadshot recruits Boomer for his "general underhandedness" and because he can somehow use that to get them to Colorado by the next day. Perhaps he has a Boomerang ship! Except that would just get them back to Gotham.

The guy tending bar looks kind of like Sean Noonan! But the bar is named The Manhole which, I think, is also the name of the third episode from season one of Star Trek!

Meanwhile on the roof of Belle Reve, The Thinker has a crew of ex-super-inmates working on some Super-Villainy device. King Shark is the taskmaster and if you slack, you get eaten! Jim Gordon, Jr is curious about this device, so he kidnaps some guy named Hippogriff that I've never heard of which means, being the pages of the Suicide Squad, he's in big fucking trouble.

Oh. And much sooner than I expected!

Gordon mentions that he knows why he stays while he chops up Hippogriff. This is such better motivation for him to hang around Belle Reve than because he's in love with Amanda Waller. Although he could be referencing his love for Amanda as the reason he's hanging around and he just happens to be killing a guy at the same time. I choose to believe that Matt Kindt will be doing some subtle shifting of characters around here since Ales Kot really didn't seem to give a shit about who the characters had been and just wanted to inject his ideas and story elements into them. His run wasn't bad but his characters were way off base.

King Shark is helping The Thinker and sticking around Belle Reve so he can hunt down Amanda and eat her even though he was just recently on a path of spiritual enlightenment and kombucha. So hope that shit is over and he goes back to saying very little and eating very lots. But Amanda Waller doesn't seem as stuck in Belle Reve as it seems.

See? Out on the streets recruiting some shitty little Extreme to the Max Dude, Warrant.

Amanda seems to be setting up her old team which means there probably isn't a weapon and she's simply using this chance to get control of them again. Who do they fucking think they are, running loose and free and acting on their own wants and desires? Fuck that! Their souls belong to Amanda and she will devour have them!

Amanda has also been in Australia recruiting Steel! How is she doing it?! How can she...oh yeah. The Unknown Soldier still works for her. So is that really Power Girl on the cover?! Or is it the Unknown Soldier in disguise?

The Unknown Soldier meets Steel and Warrant atop a snowy mountain because why meet in an easy location? If a hero can't get there, they aren't much of a hero, are they? When The Soldier announces that he's the leader, Warrant suddenly acts less interested in being on a team if he has to follow orders and shit. "Fuck you, Cherry Pie! I'm going to go..." Hmm. That's all the dialogue I could come up with since "Cherry Pie" is the only Warrant song title I know and why bother with the rest of the dialogue if I can't make it all about Warrant songs? Wasn't there one about a well or something?

Both teams arrive at the same time and I realize I'm just as a big an idiot as The Unknown Soldier.

We've actually seen Waller in Belle Reve speaking to Deadshot, so I believe the real Suicide Squad is working for the real Amanda. The newly formed group working under The Unknown Soldier (and me!) must have all been duped by a shapechanging Crime Syndicate member. And everybody is after OMAC! Stupid, fucking, lousy, shitty OMAC. Why such love for OMAC? Has Dan DiDio declared OMAC must be found a place somewhere or every writer at DC is going to pay by having to use plot ideas by Scott Lobdell? Was it the original OMAC comic books that brought the only joy to a young DiDio's life, ruined by bikers and clowns?

Oh, and then the page after the two Suicide Squad's rush in to kill each other, we find out that The Thinker is The Unknown Soldier's Amanda Waller. So maybe it still was the Soldier acting as Amanda but on The Thinker's orders. He probably thought Amanda was stuck in Belle Reve so he took over her job (and face) as recruiter. Amanda is stuck in Belle Reve because The Thinker's thugs have managed to get one of Amanda's collars on her. So her head will explode if she tries to leave Belle Reve. And King Shark is going to begin hunting her while Amanda's only ally inside the prison is James Gordon, Jr.

Suicide Squad #24 Rating: +3 Ranking. So far, I like the change! Forever Evil actually helped this book to easily adjust between writers. Villains Month and Forever Evil gave a nice bit of story for this thing to jump off where the Squad has been disbanded and things are really starting over from scratch. Also, is The Thinker building a new Brother Eye? What happened to the old Brother Eye? Will the Brothers Eye fight for control of OMAC?

Katana #8

This fight is still taking place? It's been on repeat since Issue #1. I guess that's what Coil meant by "Welcome to the Tight Rope." Except I think he meant Merry-Go-Round. At least they labeled the characters correctly on this cover.

Why am I still doing commentary on Katana? I should just link back to Issue #1 since that's where the story keeps winding up anyway. The worst part of all of this is that there is no consistency in the story. Katana wants to kill Coil. Then she lets Coil go. Now she wants to kill Coil again. Katana doesn't want to join the Sword Clan. Then she wants to infiltrate. Then she gets an offer and refuses. Then she wants to infiltrate. But first she has to defeat Coil. Nice job making the story as crazy as Coil's sword, Nocenti. Very artistic. It's shit to read but the form is nice!

The issue begins with Shuntouchable displaying her 1000 years of Outsider history tattoos. That's a pretty amazing tattoo artist to fit 1000 years of history on the skin of one person. Especially when the tattoo of Katana teabagging a dragon takes up her whole front torso! That hardly leaves any room for the other 1000 years! I say "the other 1000 years" because the tattoo of Katana is prophecy and not history. She is hoping that Katana kills Coil. So am I!

Katana and Coil are about to fight each other while both using coil swords. It's in the Sword Clan bylaws. The only way to join is to beat somebody with the weapon that they're named after. So to defeat me, you'd have to best me at insulting Scott Lobdell. "Scott Lobdell is so fat that when he sits around the house, he really feels unmotivated to do much of anything else for the rest of the day."

And the wicked banter begins!

Coil begins his next verbal assault with a grammatically questionable statement which I understand but it could still be confusing. He begins to attack Katana's abilities as a wife. Really great zings like "you burned toast" and "you were good at sex but not very good at housekeeping." It's all just stunningly hilarious and apt because she's a woman! I would probably add a few more like "You are very poor at doing calculations!" and "You have a peculiar female odor!" After Coil mocks Katana for being a terrible 1950s American ideal housewife, Katana responds with "Don't talk about my husband!"

*sigh*

Katana, Katana, Katana. He wasn't talking about your husband. Sure, he was pretending to be Maseo when making the bad at being a wife cracks. But his comments had nothing to do with your dead husband. The one you killed. Oh man. She killed her husband. She really was a horrible wife!

The only mistake she made last time you fought her was having you pinned to a tree with a sword at your throat and then running away saying, "I can't fight him yet! He's too powerful!"

Next it's time for Coil to shut up and let Katana insult him for a few panels! Katana is just brutal in her verbal assault. She calls him a gossiping gossiper who gossips. She says he whispers then calls him a gossip then says he whispers and that he deals in gossip and then mentions how he gossips again. Hello? DC? Is there an editor on this book? I guess for people who love awkward dialogue that constantly repeats itself, this book is for them! Might I also recommend Gertrude Stein to those people? Although I like Gertrude Stein. Nocenti just doesn't pull off the tortured emotion that comes through with the reading of Stein's best spiraling repetition as you constantly come nearer and nearer to the point yet always just seem to miss the mark and have to prepare yourself for another pass at actual movement.

Next Coil reminds Katana about everything that has happened so far in this comic book to try to tie it together in a kind of Macbethian-themed blood soaking. Unless it's more like trying to take an elevator at the Overlook. So listen to Coil. Forget that nothing in this comic book has made sense. Forget that cause and effect have been thrown out the window. Don't you dare remember that bit where Katana was welcomed to the tightrope. Because now it's about all the blood that Katana has drawn to get here to where she is now: nowhere. See? She's made no forward movement! She's just spiraled around and around and around like Coil's weapon and it's gotten her nowhere. Nocenti really is writing the Gertrude Stein version of a comic book. That still doesn't mean it's any good. It may have been good if, thematically, this shit actually existed from Issue #1 instead of being fudged to seem like something else here. But at least I can look at it and pretend it's something more than it actually is. Exactly how life should be!

This is why I'm convinced the Owl is the seventh mystery weapon. Because they have the same agenda. Maybe, with the introduction of The Falconer last issue, the seventh mystery weapon is simply Birds! And they have different factions that have split due to the belief of which bird is best suited for their prime weapon.

I just asked Lord Google about Coil and Katana since Katana references memories from when they were kids and I don't remember how they know each other. I suppose Coil was friends with Maseo and Sickle and Tatsu but have no memory of it. I did find a recent interview with Nocenti which I read some of before they began talking about Issue #8 and I stopped reading. What I learned from the interview is that the comic book Nocenti has in her mind is much, much better than what she's actually putting down on the page. None of what she says Katana is about comes through in her storytelling. And even some of the things she says to justify her choices don't make sense since the context is entirely different in the comic book than the way she presents it in her interview. Like she says Katana's mind is hard and humorless so sometimes she needs to be teased which is her explanation for The Falconer saying that swords can't kill falcons. Except The Falconer didn't fucking say that to Katana, did he? So how was that teasing her? How is that helping put a thought into Katana's mind, as Nocenti says it was meant to do?

After reading the interview (It was here so you can reference it if you haven't already read it being that it's on a site that people probably read a lot because they advertise in the comic book I'm currently holding in my hand and all the others as well), I'm beginning to understand why people say they like Ann Nocenti's writing. I think it's because they read her authorial interpretation of her own stuff and they believe what she says. They then read the horribly executed version of what she says she's trying to do and see it through the lens of her explanation. Perhaps her comic books make sense at that point. Maybe. It's a theory!

But even if people read Katana and believe it's the masterpiece Nocenti says it is, they still have to deny moments like these two panels back to back:

Here Katana has beaten Coil and tells him how much she likes the blood and violence and defeating all those men.

And, very next panel, here is Coil telling Katana she's lying about liking the violence and learning to like it.

In the interview, Nocenti describes the comic book and what she means by the weapons and the people and how it fits and, if I hadn't read it, I'd think, "That sounds really interesting and well put together! I'd read that!" And then I'd read this poorly written, awkward dialogue piece of shit and wonder what the fuck happened to Ann Nocenti's grand story.

After Katana beats Coil, she still has to pass another test to become leader of the Sword Clan. That's another thing you have to ignore if you want to enjoy this comic book! The fact that Katana went from wanting to infiltrate the Sword Clan to wanting to lead it. Katana went from wanting to get vengeance against Coil for something he did to her husband (maybe that's where some of their previous history was mentioned) to defeating him to gain control over his Sword Clan. Changing your character's motivation from issue to issue isn't the best way to write a superior story.

So Katana's next challenge is to defeat Mona Shard who escaped from Katana's sword when it was broken, stole Shuntouchable's left foot, and is now trying to take over the Dagger Clan. I'm not sure how this became a traditional part of the challenge to lead the Sword Clan since Mona just recently escaped the Soulbringer after being trapped there for hundreds of years. Perhaps it's an addendum challenge: "If Mona Shard is currently free, she must be killed. Also, her name is Mona Shard because she uses a shard of the Soultaker as her weapon and it's always been Mona Shard because of reasons."

Let me take a break from reading Katana for this unimportant thought out of my stupid fucking head:

You know what kind of people I hate? The ones that lose their shit if you refer to Frankenstein's Monster as Frankenstein.

Great, asshole. You know something we all know and, while the rest of us have decided that it's certainly culturally acceptable to refer to the monster as Frankenstein because it just makes it easier, you have decided to turn it into a crusade and make sure everybody knows that you know how things really are. Why don't you just go back to fucking tube socks.

Except you know that Frankenstein shit is the type of shit I'd flip out over in my comic book commentary voice! Also, I actually have nothing against fucking tube socks.

We now return to Katana starring a bunch of people with weapons for names.

Mona Shard meets the most ruthless little girl in San Francisco.

This kid passes Mona Shard's "Viciousness Litmus Test." She can be killed.

Mona Shard possesses the girl's body (although I'm not convinced she's a little girl. Maybe an undersized adult thug). She goes back to her hideout at the wharf and starts karate chopping a bucket of sand in preparation for taking over the Dagger Clan. Are the Dagger Clan just an offshoot of the Sword Clan? Maybe the drunken rejects? Because they are drunks! Nocenti made sure to characterize them as enjoying whiskey in two separate speech bubbles by two different characters. See? That's independent witness verification or something legal like that.

Later Katana has a meeting with The Falconer because her hard and humorless mind needs teasing. See how easy it is to understand Nocenti's complex story when you've got Nocenti feeding you lines!

The Falconer tells Katana that she shouldn't rely on killing but on offering sanctuary to her foe. Or maybe he was saying that if she wants to kill something, she needs to get it to trust her first! Just like she did with Maseo! So she already knows that lesson! But she's apparently forgotten it because she asks The Falconer, "What are you trying to tell me?" Oh, how cute. She's just like one of Jesus's disciples! The Falconer responds, "Ask again later." Apparently ambiguous wisdom only comes out of him a few lines at a time and then he's exhausted.

Later the Mad Samurai that once hunted The Creeper but is now free from the Soultaker decides he wants to possess a Sumo Wrestler. I mean ride! He wants to ride a Sumo Wrestler! I'm up for that!

I scanned this because it's the best written bit in everything Nocenti has produced for The New 52 so far.

I've been bitching a bit about Shuntouchable's body being both a history text and a prophetic text but I'm fairly certain it's always been a little bit of both. But mostly it's concerned with prophecy. That's why Katana kept visiting it so she could get clues to the path she was on. The earlier mention at the beginning of this issue where it said she had 1000 years of Outsider history on her body was stupid and that's the thing I've been joking about. You know, just to clarify why I don't have a problem with her saying the thing here about everything on her body being possible. The bits where Katana kind of repeats herself (corral/tame, bucked me/threw me) edge into the weirdness of Nocenti's dialogue to always overstate things but it works here, sounds fine. Saying the tattoos were burned into Shuntouchable sounds stupid but why would I even bring that up when this is the best scene Nocenti has written?! Am I a complete and utter and hopeless cunt?

That was a rhetorical question! The answer is obviously no. Jerko!

The final page is also a winner because it has a monkey joke!

Now I would actually love for Nocenti to write a Dagger Clan book that is a complete whimsical farce. I think I could love that book. I think. I might be daring the universe to do something stupid but I think I've got good instincts for projects that will never be done but I can claim would have been wonderful.

Katana #8 Rating: No change. Those last two pages saved this thing. I can't completely hate on a book when the writer has finally turned in something that passes my harsh critiques. Anyway, that's Katana! Better in Ann Nocenti's head than out!

Batgirl #24

Don't worry, Jim. No jury of fathers in America will convict you.

I didn't realize until just now that Batgirl has been living a stereotypical junior high school girl's life. She's been mallratting with her best friend forever. She's got a gang of mean girls giving her trouble. She's been acting super crushy over a boy. And her father has been trying to ground her for fighting with her brother. And now her father just came through on a father's favorite threat and shot her boyfriend. Next her father will probably find the fake diary she keeps hidden in plain sight just to piss him off if he ever gets snoopy.

Dear Diary,
I'm not a virgin anymore. A guy totally put his penis into my vagina and it felt so much like the way sex feels. Oh yeah. It was totally the way sex feels. And more! When I pulled his pants down, his thingy was all thingy shaped and springy. Then we got the vagina funnel out and maneuvered our parts into the position they should be in when babies are made. You know the one, Diary? Where the man is on top? I think? If that's how it's done, that's what we did. I'm a woman now! And it was incredible! Or melancholy. Maybe it was both. If it sounds like I got some stuff wrong about the sexual act of sexing, it's because it was so incredible that I've forgotten the details. But I'm totally not a virgin anymore, dad. What a great day! I mean night. We totally did it at night.

Sorry, Ginger Ninja. But Commissioner Gordon has to think about all the families. And in this case, he was mostly concerned about his own and how Ricky was trying to defile it with his penis. Also I think Ricky was threatening to kill some one and Gordon is probably trained to stop that from happening.

When did the term "ginger" become the de rigueur term for redheads? It seemed to me that it was an insult for about 5% of its use before it was accepted by the ginger community and its insulting power taken away. At least in America. Maybe it has harsher connotations in England where it probably has more potential to be abused as a marker of ethnicity. When I first became aware of the term (I'm horrible with time so I can't put any kind of date on it), it seemed to be specifically about a lighter shade of red, almost an orange or a color between blond and red. So I learned it as a descriptor to help specify shade rather than an insult. Now people seem to, more and more, use it for any red head as I did here and in my previous commentary simply because the name "Ginger Ninja" just sounds too sweet to my ears. Anyway, ginger has lost its power as a derogatory term so whenever I meet any of the devil's spawns wandering the streets flaunting their freedom in the face of God's almighty will, I will usually call them "tomato goblins." But not out loud! I don't want to suffer one of their various curses!

Back to the comic book, Harvey Bullock backs up Gordon's shooting because that's what cops do. You don't go against one of your own! Gordon may very well have been justified in the shooting but it's not like he'd ever be investigated like a civilian would. But that's the civilian's own fault anyway! If you want to be able to shoot people and not worry about going to jail, you should have joined the police force! Or the marines!

Good thing Babs decided not to wear the Batgirl suit tonight. It'll just look like she was trying to stop her boyfriend from doing something stupid.

Instead of just allowing herself to be unmasked, Barbara begins to kick cop ass. I guess she's more afraid of what her father might say than getting a dozen bullets lodged in her torso. She takes down three cops and not one of the dozen or more officers on the scene begins shooting. These guys have a lot of self-control! Barbara takes down a few more while making plans for later that week. She's really good at multi-tasking! Remember that issue where she was thinking about her shopping list while being drowned by an assailant? Her powers of concentration are amazing!

So Barbara's plans are to take down Knightfall once and for all since she believes Knightfall is behind all of this. Her evidence is that Tyrell had an expensive laser gun. Right! The police often need less evidence than that to determine which suspect to hound until they confess, so Babs is already a better detective than her father. She did train under the World's Darkest Knight! Who is also a master detective!

Oh yeah. That's the last half of her plan. Hopefully she can accomplish it all before a cop shoots her.

Barbara Gordon flees the scene screaming, "I hate you, Daddy! I hate you hate you hate you!" But she doesn't get very far before Detective McKenna (who doesn't have a debilitating neck injury after all) stops her and freely hands over all of her information on Knightfall. That must be Barbara's Oracle skills coming out. The best retriever of information in the business, computer or no computer. And then McKenna, suspecting the Ginger Ninja might actually be a Batgirl alias, lets her go to hunt down Knightfall. McKenna was desperate to bring down Charise Carnes but the police just don't have enough evidence to identify her as Knightfall. So McKenna's best bet is probably to let the Bats take care of it.

Also, Ricky isn't dead yet. He's clinging to life. So maybe Babs can forgive him later, and maybe Jim can forgive Batgirl later, and maybe some hugs will be distributed.

Babs feels like her life is falling apart and she's blaming her father for more and more of the chaos. But it's not like Jim's life is full of roses and candy bars.

This panel makes me feel so sad for Commissioner Gordon. And then I remember it was his choice to drive his wife away, shoot his daughter's boyfriend, and give birth to a serial killer. Maybe he should have thought of the consequences of his actions!

You know that Sesame Street song that goes, "These are the people in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neigh-bor-hoo-ood!"? Am I the only one that walks around my neighborhood singing, "I am the people in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neigh-bor-hoo-ood!"?

Jim keeps trying to get in contact with Babs but she's avoiding his calls. Until she decides she needs to speak with him to help Ricky's mom be able to see her son who is in a coma in the hospital. On the night she finally heads over to dad's place to keep lying to him about her life, Commissioner Gordon is attacked by The Mirror. Oh no. Not that idiot! I hope he's come up with a new schtick other than "Look in a mirror! See your true self! Ah ha ha!" Meanwhile his victim just goes, "Hmm, I didn't realize I was getting a zit on my chin."

Turns out The Mirror isn't the only one there. Knightfall's entire Team B is there. She calls them the Disgraced because they were all beaten by Batgirl: Mirror, Gretel, Grotesque. Maybe her Team A is also part of the Disgraced since Bleak Michael is standing guard and Bonebreaker is inside. They all got their asses handed to them too although Batgirl had Batwoman's help that time. And obviously Katharsis isn't going to be there. But you know who is going to be there?!

Good thing her van doubles as the Batgirl Cave.

Batgirl #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this storyline is when Barbara is dealing with her family problems. Hopefully when the third part finally comes out in December, half of the issue will be Barbara kicking The Disgraced's asses and the other half will be her and her father forgiving each other. I really wouldn't mind if she told him that she was Batgirl. I think the main reason she's kept the secret is because of the need to keep Batman's identity safe. But now that he's shown that he hardly cares about keeping everybody's identities safe with his Joker secrets and tying Bruce Wayne so closely to Batman with Batman Incorporated, she might as well go for it!