Rogues Rebellion #1

Mirror Master, that gun doesn't fit your theme! Unless it shoots mirror bullets that only kill people when you shoot their reflections! That would actually be a cool gun! Albeit of limited use.

When the Crime Syndicate decided to take over Earth Prime (or Earth Zero (or New Earth Prime (or New Earth Prime Zero Hour Year Infinity 52))), some super villains decided not to join their stupid Secret Society of Super-villains. Or maybe some of them just didn't receive an invite via Fancy Latin Coin. And, of course, Monocle just got his head blown off instead of joining which really seems, to me, like a poor decision. To each his own, I guess!

The Rogues decided to protect what is theirs in Keystral City because they have a motto: "Bros over nightmare assholes from another dimension." It's not a great motto but it's easy to understand! I guess this comic book is their story!

After returning from the Secret Society meet-up in Happy Harbor, The Rogues return to Keystral City to find it in ruins. That's because they helped stop the city from being destroyed by apes but then left for a few hours and forgot to lock the doors and the apes got back in while they were away.

The apes did that to him! I hope they didn't get The Folded Man!

After finding Girder crushed because he was a stupid one panel villain from The Flash's early run and destined to become cannon fodder, The Rogues wander into the Forest of Chained Up Cops. It's beginning to feel like The Wizard of Oz! Captain Cold is Dorothy because he's the main character and he wears blue. Mirror Master is The Tin Man because he spent so many years trapped inside a prison unable to love. Weather Wizard is the Lion because fuck you, he just is. Heatwave is the Scarecrow because their names have two syllables and they both have an issue with fire. And The Trickster is Toto because they're both annoying! They're all perfectly analogous to each of the other characters! Only stupid dumb internet monsters that love to argue couldn't see it! It's so blatantly obvious!

So Captain Cold must find a way to return to his beautiful Keystone Kansas as opposed to this war-torn realm full of non-flying apes and evil pig trees. But to save his home, he must first find Glider the Good Witch and make sure she's okay.

Yep! She's fine! Next on the agenda?

The Rogues stand around Glider's room in their ridiculous costumes trying to have a seriously emotional moment. "How is she? What do we do?" asks the green hooded guy in the half-face mask with the dumb orange body suit, desperate to save the woman he loves. "I don't know," says the man in the furry hoodie with the Devo glasses and yellow cummerbund and the white ski boots, sick with worry for his comatose sister.

Before the tone gets too depressing and serious and super hilarious seeing as how they all look so goofy while crying and being emotional jerks, Firestorm's Rogues Gallery arrives to bring them a message from the Crime Syndicate.

Since Grodd and his apes represented the motorcycle riding monkeys, these guys must be the subway trashcans full of teeth.

Should we play a guessing game? Who would best match up with whom? Captain Cold versus Typhoon should be over immediately although I have a feeling Typhoon will end up comparing weather phenomena with Weather Wizard. The Hyena obviously wants The Trickster, so I guess I have to give them that one. Captain Cold (since I stole Typhoon from him) will match up with Multiplex so he can freeze his various aspects. Heatwave can set Black Bison's headdress and magic staff on fire. And Mirror Master can hide himself and Glider inside the Mirror World, away from Plastique's explosions. Or maybe Captain Cold will just defeat them all because Captain Cold is the greatest Rogue ever.

Hearing is definitely a sense!

Heatwave begins by calling out the "hot little ginger." At first I thought he meant Hyena but it seems like he's going after Plastique. My gut reaction when calling the pairs was to put these two together but it just seemed too dangerous! I don't think anybody is going to win this fight because they're all going to become trapped in a burning building whose structure has been weakened by dozens of explosions!

See!? Remember, this is all going down in a hospital corridor!

It turns out I was slightly wrong. For some reason, Plastique and Heatwave took their fight outside. Safety first! I noticed because on the next page, Weather Wizard and Typhoon are measuring their tidal waves out by a fire hydrant.

Weather Wizard's is bigger.

Trickster matches teeny, tiny wits with The Hyena while Captain Cold battles Black Bison because they're the leaders of each group. Captain Cold also has to battle Multiplex because why not? Put down the guy giving orders and the rest of them won't have to listen to any more orders! I think that helps in battle somehow. Although Mirror Master isn't listening to Captain Cold's orders anyway since he leaves Lisa's side to help Captain Cold with Multiplex.

Ha ha! Mirror Master is going to kill all of Multiplex's clones by starving them to death!

Since Mirror Master was supposed to be watching over Lisa, that means Black Bison probably now has her and is going to threaten her life to get the Rogues to stand down. That's just the kind of wacky thing that usually happens during gang fights.

Except Black Bison never reappears with Glider because there are only two more pages left. One page is used for Captain Cold to yell at Mirror Master for not following orders and the other page deals with the appearance of Deathstorm and Power Ring. They're here to kill the Rogues because what else can you do to those assholes that click "decline" on your party evites? Fuckers.

Rogues Rebellion #1 Rating: I'm going to start this at Rank #26 because it was a pretty decent comic-book comic book (can you use a noun as an adjective to describe the exact same noun? Is that allowed anywhere besides my commentaries? It's more than allowed here!) but there really wasn't anything extra special sauce about it. The worst part of the entire experience was having to look at that advert for Scott Lobdell's next big story arc, KRYPTON RETURNS! Can't he just fucking write his comic book without rubbing his stink glands all over the other Superbooks? Stop uniting them with ridiculous "alternate timelines" stories. Why couldn't he leave his X-men shit at the door to DC's offices?

The Flash #14

Is "Grodd Gone Mad" a pun? I must be missing something. Everything is a pun in a The Flash comic book!

At some point in the future, the pun "Gorilla Warfare" is going to be used so many times in comic books that it will become the norm. At that point, writers will begin writing comic books about Gorillas in camouflage overthrowing small third world countries and calling the story "Guerrilla Warfare" as the punning title.

I wish I had some old Flash comic books to see how he dealt with talking apes and the Rogue's Gallery back when comics didn't have such a cynical audience. The Flash is the most powerful super hero in comic books (after The Batman and Superman and Green Lantern and Aquaman and...ha ha, no, no. Not Aquaman. He's a fucking joke! (Seriously! All of you people jumping on the Aquaman bandwagon and saying you've always liked him are going to be really embarrassed when you realize you've been fooled by the Emperor's New Clothes of DC's Reboot. Aquaman still isn't cool)) and his enemies were gorillas and people with hand weapons. You're telling me he had trouble defeating these guys? Well, the Reboot has come along and changed all of that to make it more believable! Every member of the Rogue's Gallery has had their power incorporated into their being so they can't be instantly disarmed. And Grodd and his monkeys were born of the Speed Force, so they have a tactical advantage against The Flash and can react to his super speed.

Isn't it nice to read stories about a man that can run faster than light that are finally believable?

Last issue, Gorilla Grodd had been infused with some kind of power that is going to make him an actual threat to The Flash. I think maybe he did a few miles on The Flash's cosmic treadmill.

This statement is incorrect. If you haven't accepted evolution as fact, you're not a rational thinker. Therefore, ALL rational thinkers have accepted evolution as fact.

The continued discussion of evolution in the Narration Boxes on the first page make me long for the days of Rob Liefeld!

History shows that, over time, species change on a genetic level to adapt to the conditions of the world they inhabit.

It's not a new concept. Darwin called it "natural selection."

Oh yeah. That concept has been around for ages! Darwin just simply picked up on it and casually referred to it as "natural selection." And everyone went, "What are you on about, Darwin?" And he would respond, "You know? That thing history has taught us? That idea that isn't new at all and wasn't my insight and grand scientific breakthrough at all? The thing about adapting to the environment at a genetic level." And everyone would say, "What is 'the genetic level'? Are you winding us up? You havin' a laugh?" And Darwin would say, "You may not have heard about it yet, but Gregor Mendel is coming up with some really radical ideas about smooth and wrinkled peas that will tie right in with my belief that we're all walking, talking, civilized monkey men!" And everyone went, "What's that now?" And the Church of England lifted up an eyebrow and said, "Hey now. What's going on over there?" And Darwin said, "Oh, nothing, nothing. Never mind. I'm probably wrong about all of this anyway." And everyone else sighed a big sigh of relief because they didn't want to think about things that might be disturbing no matter how true they were.

Anyway, all of the Narration Boxing on the first page giving the reader a nice elementary school summary of evolution is told simply to say this: Evolution is a gradual process except when it isn't.

Except when it isn't a gradual process it isn't evolution. It's mutation. But that might trouble with the copyright lawyers, so we'll stick with the idea that Grodd's apes "evolved in a flash" and move right along. Nothing to sue over here!

Back to the comic book, Grodd has indeed gotten his hands on the Speed Force. I don't know how he did it though. Maybe the evolution in a flash explanation on the first page was the actual explanation. Perhaps Grodd simply evolved. But probably only after running on the Cosmic Treadmill.

This is the monkeys' plan to keep the real heroes away from Central City.

Turbine the whirligig also has a plan! As does Captain Cold! The only one without a plan is Barry. But that's because he has yet to take his mother's advice to "slow down and think things through." He's just been running around in circles going ape.

Turbine's plan is to visit the Central City Zoo where a talking ape has been in captivity ever since it appeared out of thin air and attacked Barry Allen's safari tour bus twenty years ago. This ape's name is Solovar and he's probably an ape I would remember if I had ever been interested in The Flash. Turbine knows about him because Turbine lived in the Speed Force for eighty years or more.

Speaking of people living in the Speed Force, Iris West and her companions are still having a wonderful time there.

Wish you were here!

Captain Cold's plan is never revealed but it has something to do with Mirror Master. The Rogues will probably end up defeating Grodd's apes at the stadium that are creating the illusion of a ruined Central City while The Flash fights Grodd. It seems Solovar's sole purpose in coming to the future and being rescued by Turbine was to die.

Nooooo! After knowing Solovar for a total of two pages, I'm emotionally attached to him! How dare you kill my favorite character in The New 52?!

I think this is what is referred to as "Gorilla Ex Machina."

The Flash #14 Rating: No change. I don't think I care all that much about The Flash fighting Gorilla Grodd. I prefer my comic book gorillas French who is best friends with a brain in a jar.

The Flash #13

Wasn't the Gorilla Warfare title already used? Like a million times? Can we please lay this pun to rest?

The Flash had just been defeated by his Rogue's Gallery when an army of monkeys in pods dropped out of the sky to take over Central City. It was at that moment that the Rogue's Gallery began questioning the wisdom of their actions. Because when your city is suddenly invaded by hundreds of six hundred pound gorillas (unless they're heavier!), you really want the guy that can defeat them all in the time it takes to tell one monkey joke conscious.

But the big monkey fight can wait since this issue begins with a flashback scene from ten years ago.

The slow down and take your time line was so good, it had to be used two issues in a row.

And that was all that needed to be said about the past. It seems like a pretty weak moment. Maybe it was done to get Barry's mother's slow down advice into the normal run since that advice was given to him in the Zero Issue. Also Darryl's role as Barry's father figure was highlighted in the Zero Issue as well. So maybe this moment was mainly to get some of the main Zero Issue points across to the not very loyal Flash readers that skipped the Zero Issue.

And then two minutes from ten years later, Patty breaks into Darryl's office to declare that Barry is alive! Her new buddy Turbine told her all about it. Turbine also seems to know a secret about Captain Darryl! But then their two minutes are up and it's exactly ten years after the initial scene and the monkeys come crashing down into Central City.

How is Weather Wizard going to wake him up? Blast him with lightning?

Oh, turns out he just douses him with water. I've always figured the best way to bring someone back to consciousness after a concussion was with water. Or maybe a slap to the face. It probably works because The Flash's speedy system has already healed himself and then the water brings him around. It's all very comic book scientific. But enough with the unbelievable bullshit the writers are trying to pass off on the readers. Let's get to the talking monkeys!

The Rogues don't seem to be too keen on talking monkeys, so they try to retreat while The Flash deals with them. But seeing as how an army of monkeys landed all around them, they're forced to take part in the monkey business.

Where are all the good monkey puns? I at least expect a no more monkeying around comment at some point.

The Flash has trouble beating up the gorillas because these are the special kind of gorillas that were born out of the Speed Force. So they are quicker and able to react to The Flash no matter how fast he goes. Plus there are a lot of them. And they smell bad. Luckily he's got the Rogues to help him out for awhile. But just for awhile! As soon as the tide turns and The Flash has the upper hand against the apes, I'm sure they'll switch sides again. And for some of them, it doesn't even take that long. The Trickster has decided to strike up a deal with Grodd. But the partnership doesn't go anywhere past the handshake.

Hopefully that was just a trick arm.

Grodd is up to something. He sneaks off to look for something powerful he feels within the city while his ape army distract The Flash.

Which they don't do for long.

But apparently they do it for long enough because when The Flash finally rushes off to find Grodd, he discovers Grodd looking a lot like Mr. Hyde from Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

I have no idea what happened here. But it looks like he got a little bit of speed force in him.

The Flash #13 Rating: No change. Manapul's art seemed a bit rushed and sketchy throughout the issue. The issue itself was mostly just a big battle against talking monkeys. And while the Trickster getting his arm torn off was a nice surprise, the fact that this was another fucking comic book called "Gorilla Warfare" erodes any good feelings I had toward the issue. I wish I could remember which other comic in The New 52 was called Gorilla Warfare so I could link to it and my feeble research on that pun being used throughout comic book history. Oh well!

The Flash Annual #1

The Rogues were created by thinking up possible one-liners to use against The Flash and then building a super villain around the line.

Captain Cold: "Flash! I didn't leave you out in the cold! Let's cold cock these cold-hearted snakes!"
Heatwave: "You'll drop the cold puns cold, Captain Cold, when I bring the heat!"
Captain Cold: "Put your puns on ice, Heatwave, or your goose is cooked!"
Weather Wizard: "Blow it out your arse, Captain Cold! I'm here to rain on your parade!"
Flash: "Jesus fucking christ, you guys can give me a migraine faster than you can say, 'Where's Captain Boomerang?'"
Mirror Master: "Let me reflect on that! No! I have a better idea! How about you reflect on this!"
Glider: "Really, Mirror Master? You just going to breeze through this fight with mediocre lines like that?"
Turbine: "WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEE!"
Mirror Master: "We'll see about that! Get it? Seeing? Like in a mirror?"
Flash: "Did the puns get rebooted right out of you guys after Flashpoint?"
Captain Cold: "Don't make me sCOLD you!"
Heatwave: "I'm going to SCALD you!"
Weather Wizard: "Did I make a blowing pun already?"
Flash: "Ugh. I'm just going to end this now. You'll all be in prison in less than a second. See you next time!"

I always felt the Rogue's Gallery could use an Aboriginal villain named Didgeridoom who would play his instrument and invade your dreams. Unless that's too subtle. Then maybe he'd just shove his Didgeridoo up your ass and scream, "Squeal like a wallaby!"

Chapter One involves The Flash running around some salt flats and speaking directly to me. He shoves his analogy straight up my ass instead of playing it softly and letting it filter into my subconscious. His analogy is that racing across the Bonneville Salt Flats is a lot like life. His analogy starts off shaky just like the people in the analogy trying to race on salt. That's pretty creative! But when he finally gets to his point, he's merely saying he misses his dad. Oh, and that he was pretty surprised that Dr. Elias betrayed him!

Chapter One was decent but would have been better if The Flash's narration boxes weren't addressing a listener. He really should be speaking to himself in his own head and not directing his comments at some mysterious "you." Beautiful art though. So we'll just call this first chapter a misstep.

Chapter Two is a flashback to the Rogue's Gallery of a year and a half ago.

Telling Captain Cold to "freeze" is like telling an old person that it'll pay off "in the long run." I don't know how they're alike! You figure it out. I'm done shoving analogies up people's rectums.

That's so funny I had to use it twice! "Analogy." "Ass." "Rectum." Hee hee hee.

The Rogues end up in a conflict with The Flash. They manage to escape into Mirror Master's mirror world but not before The Flash takes back the cash. Another score gone wrong because of The Scarlet Speedster! Everyone is fed up with The Flash always stopping them. Trickster has the right idea: maybe they should relocate! Seriously! Why commit crime in a city where the hero can practically be everywhere at once? But Captain Cold doesn't like that idea and he kicks everyone out so he can drown his sorrows in whisky. And then he meets a stranger (unless the stranger is Dr. Elias!).

Ah ha! So this guy is the one to internalize all of the Rogue's weapons! No more high tech guns for The Flash to grab out of their hands. And also why Heatwave and the others are pissed at Captain Cold.

Chapter Two more than made up for Chapter One. Nice little mini-story about the Rogues with the first hints about why everyone hates Cold and how The Rogues' powers were internalized. The art is far less polished than the first chapter but that's on purpose. It looks ragged and beat just like the Rogues. Really nice style here.

Chapter Three is called The Price and looks like it'll deal with the deal Captain Cold just made without asking anyone else. He just brings them all to the magic machine and tells them it'll give them super powers! They go through with it and it works although the drawbacks are substantial.

What is the mirror world like? Is it an empty duplicate world with a hodge-podge of Hollywood movie sets placed wherever a mirror is set up in the real world to look like whatever images can be reflected in that mirror?

Chapter Three details the creation of the Rogues of the New 52. I like this origin story. Now to just find out who set them up and I believe it must have been Dr. Elias since Glider wanted to get even with him so badly.

Chapter Four is very short. It has Patty meeting with Turbine in the hospital to take his blood sample. She's going to try to help him figure out who he is. And then they see a news report about the Flash and the mayhem at the monorail grand opening. Turbine grabs Patty and tells her that he knows where Barry Allen is

This could cause some problems since Barry decided to let Patty believe he was dead. Is Patty going to learn the truth and force Barry to resurrect himself? Turbine knows all of this crap because he lived in the Speed Force for years watching movies play out of Barry Allen's life.

Chapter Five returns to where Issue #12 left off. Captain Cold joins The Flash to help defeat the Rogues. Glider grabs Flash Godiva style with her hair and flings him into a glass door. He phases right through and enters the mirror world!

Oh, it's boring. BOOO! HISSS!

They battle for awhile until Flash gets the upper hand and escapes. Once outside the Mirrorworld, Captain Cold gets the drop on him and takes him down. Captain Cold and his sister, Glider, had a little chat and it seems everything is cool with them again. He's proud of the work his sister did leading the Rogues but she's breaking some major rules he set up. She went for revenge. Cold always said to keep it about the score. Keep it simple. Plus she nearly killed Dr. Elias and the Rogues don't kill. So The Flash is unconscious and the Rogues are a happy family again when a bunch of strange pods drop out of the sky and crash in the streets of Central City.

Monkeys!

The Flash Annual #1 did a lot of comic book stuff right. The art, by a variety of artists, was excellent across the board. The Rogues are a group of villains that aren't interested in fighting heroes at all. Now that's what a super villain should be! They're in it for the money and because they really can't do anything else. Or don't want to work too hard at anything else, anyway. It had a good mix of action and dialogue. And all of the characters were properly motivated! Plus monkeys! And Patty is about to find out Barry Allen is The Flash because of that spinning retard Turbine!