Catwoman: Election Night #1

Dammit. I only picked this up because I thought it said "Erection Night."

• I'm skipping ahead in my stack of comics to read this before it is no longer topical. It would be weird to read this three weeks from now when nobody wants to be reminded of the election. Not that anybody wants to be reminded of it now! Can you believe how the people voting for that one person can actually live with themselves?! It's shocking!

• That's enough of my intense, biting political commentary! I'm just going to read this comic book now about a sexy sex kitten who can't get enough bat-dick.

• For some reason, the story begins when Selina Kyle is a little girl which means she's missing her best two features!

• Selina is living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayard Girls, an orphanage where she pretends a cat named Ali is her best friend. They hang out in the laundry room trying not to get adopted or beaten up by the ugly orphans. It doesn't work. The ugly orphans find her anyway.

• That's enough of the flashback! It's time for Tits in Tight Leather. That's my secret name for Catwoman that I never tell anybody because I don't want them to think I'm sexist. Is it sexist to view a fictional character as a sex object? I mean, she is just an object in that she's a drawing on paper! And that object is definitely sexy because my pants are suddenly too tight in the front.

• Catwoman with her two best features appears on the credits page and I'm less interested in Catwoman's best features than I am in the credits. Not because I see Meredith Finch is writing this story and now know that I'll be wasting the next hour of my life reading something she wrote. No, what really excites me is that I don't see Russell's name in the credits but his name was on the cover. And you know what else was on the cover? A Prez billboard! Which means, using my super duper sleuthing skills taught to me by my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, Mark Russell must have written a Prez back-up story for this Erection Day Special! I think plowing my way through an inane and probably sexist Meredith Finch story might be worth it to get to the chewy Corndog Girl center!

• In the present, Catwoman is busy beating up one of the Penguin's henchmen who was trying to steal from Miss Kitty. What a hypocrite she is!

Hey! A cat's tongue is no joke! Many times, my cat Judas licked my arm raw in his overzealous taste tests!

• The next day, Catwoman picks up her copy of the Gotham Gazette which she apparently subscribes to. She also feeds Ali the Cat who is still alive somehow. He looks pretty fucking beat up, so he's probably twenty or so. You know how you can tell a cat is old just by glancing at it because it's gotten to that point where it's all, "Fuck it. I've licked myself clean with my tongue for my entire life. What the fuck do I care what I look like now?" Also, their meow becomes the sound of rusting metal scraping across more rusting metal. Sometimes they're almost blind so you can get them to run into table legs by calling them and snapping your fingers right next to a table leg. I mean, if you were a big jerk, you could do that! Who would even think of something like that? Poor kitty!

• In the Gotham Gazette is a story by Vicki Vale where she typed "ormally" instead of "formally." I hope she got fired. Oh, the article is about The Penguin running for mayor. Didn't I already see this story on that terrible Gotham television show? Is The Penguin also super gay for The Riddler in this?

• Riddle me this, Riddler: What's black and white and sucks dick all over?!

• Catwoman comes to the conclusion that The Penguin's run for mayor has something to do with Miss Kitty because of course everything is about her. The unfortunate thing for me and my commentary is that, this being a comic book by a mediocre writer, she's probably absolutely right. I don't like stories where the main character knows what's going on at all times from the fewest clues life throws at them! Life is not this easy! It's why my favorite author is Philip K. Dick! Because his theme is usually "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! HOW DO I LIFE?!"

• The Penguin speaks exactly like Donald Trump and is really concerned about putting a wall up around Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls. This is lazy satire. I can't wait to get to the Prez story! That one will be full of brilliant satire! And Corndog Girl!

• Back in the past, Selina learns that she's not supposed to hate jerks who cut up your face with a box cutter. You're supposed to go, "You know what? I don't know why that bitch tried to kill me, so how can I judge?"

• Fuck you, Miss Kitty.

• The Penguin's plan is apparently to build a wall around Gotham City to keep out all the Narrows riff-raff and suburbanites. But he also plans to knock down Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls! Selina was right! This election really does affect her and the things she cares about! I guess now she'll vote for The Penguin's opponent and he'll lose and everybody will celebrate the democratic process! Right?

• Constance Hill is The Penguin's opponent and she vows to do whatever it takes to beat The Penguin! So, like, she's going to campaign and shit? Or is vowing to do whatever it takes in front of Catwoman her whole plan? "Hey, Catwoman! We must win because I build bridges and not walls (I totally just made that up right now myself! So clever, right?! Okay fine! Somebody else said it first! But who can tell who, so it's kind of mine, right?!) So I'll do whatever it takes to win, if you get my meaning! Do you get my meaning? You're a thief. People steal elections? Do you need more hints?!"

• My guess is that Catwoman will discover an embarrassing thing about The Penguin (like how he's really still a big fat gay criminal!) and then expose the truth which will cause everybody to vote for Constance Hill in a landslide. As if voters care about truth!

Did Catwoman just give that guard a handy to get into the casino?! He doesn't look very pleased about it!

Batman is waiting for Catwoman in an empty room of the Iceberg Casino. He's also super jealous. He's all, "What took you so long? What are those stains on your gloves I'm picking up through my Bat-Semen-Detecting Goggles?!" Actually, it kind of looks like Catwoman's suit is covered in semen stains.

What's up with this suggestive dick-sucking framing?

• At first I thought Batman and Catwoman were working together on something. Why else would Batman be waiting for her inside the casino? It's the only thing that makes sense, right?! Nope. Batman is just trying to stop Catwoman from doing things Catwoman's way. AGAIN! Doesn't this fucking jerk get it yet? He might be able to control all the little orphans he adopts but why does he keep thinking he can tell a grown-ass woman how to live her life?! Why's he always trying to Daddy her? And I don't mean in a sexy way. Wait. Is it sexy to call some guy Daddy when you fuck him? Ugh. I think I'm going to throw up.

• Batman hands over some of The Penguin's recent real estate transactions because he somehow knows what Catwoman was after. That's disturbing. The only conclusion is that he's bugged her Catsuit or her vagina. And why did he even need to show up to hand over the documents? Couldn't Catwoman have done it herself? And if he was planning on helping her with the documents, why the fuck was he waiting for her inside the casino?! Now Penguin might be on alert because people broke into his place!

• I suppose it's possible Batman was in disguise as the guard who got the handy. That would explain the guard's sour expression. So risking meeting Catwoman inside the Iceberg was the only way to get the handy and get her the information!

• The next flashback makes it apparent that one of the horrible kids became Constance Hill. And that she also murdered another horrible kid so that she could take the girl's place in her upcoming adoption. Which would also explain why she doesn't want Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls knocked down since they'll find the skeletal remains of her murder victim. So, once again, Catwoman was right because earlier she said she didn't trust Constance Hill, the perfect candidate!

• Is this story going to end with a big "VOTE FOR JILL STEIN!" banner?

• Catwoman has grown into her ability to jump to the perfect conclusion because as a kid, she was a complete fucking idiot. All of the evidence of murder were right in front of her and she couldn't put the pieces together. But when she sees one of The Penguin's henchmen fucking around outside Miss Kitty's and then sees he's running for mayor the next day, she immediately knows the two are connected!

• Now that Catwoman's an adult, she finally figures out the murder. You can't get anything past older Catwoman! Younger Catwoman though? Please. What an idiot!

• Catwoman breaks into the debates to destroy all of the candidates. She's in a hurry this time so she trades handies for kicks to the face and the tired old "cat got your tongue" line.

• Catwoman exposes Constance's decade old murder and Batman exposes The Penguin's shady real estate dealings and nobody becomes mayor. But Batman does get a good idea to make more money buying up properties!

• The story ends with Corndog Girl living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls, for some reason. Continuity be damned! This probably works or something. Whatever, it's a segue!

• Next up is a Prez story by Mark Russell called "Trigger Warnings". Shouldn't there have been a Content Warning before using the term Trigger Warning?

• Remember when I said there would be brilliant satire in the Prez comic? I take that back! It's lacking in subtlety and the humor doesn't quite make up for the bluntness of the message. Maybe it was tweaked so that the typical voter would understand the message. What good is satire if audience bias can simply interpret the story however they want?

• So after the more guns is dangerous and confusing segment, we get the men discussing women's health issue bit.

It's still screaming to the choir but at least it's funnier.

• Juxtaposing the two issues of gun control and legislating women's bodies winds up being much smarter than I realized. Mostly because I'm stupid and stubborn. So when you write a story showing how dumb open and carry is and make it super obvious that it's dumb with a lot of dumb characters, I just want to think, "Duh! That's dumb!" But then when you sit the issue of guns and how many people die from them and how Congress will do nothing about it right up next to women's health issues like birth control and abortion, issues which Congress are stampeding to legislate, I finally see the genius of the story. Again, though, not like this isn't shit that isn't super obvious to the people who agree with it.

What?! But that sounds like a Win/Win Situation!

• After finishing the story, I'm super sorry that I ever doubted Mark Russell's ability due to the lack of subtlety in the gun nuts shooting up a burger joint scene! Everything wraps up in such a way that I'm super jealous of Mark Russell and might have to one day stalk him, kidnap him, and shove him in the well I've dug in the basement. Can people exist only on semen caught on their tongue like snowflakes?

The Ranking!
I'm not ranking this! Are you crazy?! It's a one-shot! It'll clutter up my rankings! Also, I forgot to add Nightwing to the list! I should fix that!

Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!

Telos #2

Wait a second. I'm still reading this?!

Captain K'rot has been called in from the bench to make this comic book interesting! He must be part of the rebellion on Colu trying to overthrow Validus and Computo. Hopefully I'll remember who all of his friends are as I begin reading the comic book but it's unlikely. I was mostly drunk while reading Threshold because I had turned it into a drinking game.

Telos has decided to reenact The Odyssey because it has so many exciting chapters. There's the part with the cyclops and the part with the dog and the part with the shooting contest and the part with the sirens and the part with the Scylla and Charybdis and the part with Xena and the part with the blind man and the part with the Nemean Lion and the part with the hydra and the part with the cockatrice and the part with the kraken and the part with the Trojan War and the part where the ghost says "GET OUT!" I may have gotten some of those parts mixed up because I read every single book on myths I could get my hands on in elementary school as well as The Amityville Horror. I also read all of the Oz books and all of the Mouse and the Motorcycle books but I can tell when I'm thinking of one of those stories and not a myth. Because I just ask myself, "Now, Tess, was there a big round mechanical man in that story? Did he fall through the center of the Earth? Were there flying monkeys and evil gnome kings? Was there a mouse riding around on a toy motorcycle? Then it probably wasn't one of Hercules's twelve labors." I also read The Hobbit in elementary school because my sister checked it out of the library (who fucking knows why?! She's never been into fantasy literature at all! Come to think of it, I'm not even sure she can read!) and I saw it had pictures of monsters in it.

On the second page of this issue, Telos reveals his real identity: Arak, Son of Thunder! Ooh! Ooh! That's so fucking exciting I just pulled a bladder muscle! Is that a believable excuse for pissing myself? I wish I'd taken an anatomy class in college.

I'll talk about Arak, Son of Thunder in a Who's Who Update Special Spectacular after this since I haven't done one of those in a long time. I really should stop taking on projects only to completely forget about them because I'd rather just waste time by thinking about nonsense and naked women. When I first began doing New 52 Who's Who Updates, I had meant to keep up with all of the characters as they were reintroduced into The New 52. I sure have failed at that! At least I did most of the Villains Month characters.

Telos allows himself to become a prisoner on Colu because that seems like the best way to infiltrate Computo's fortress. Remember the prison in Lost Army #5? Remember how the cells were connected to all of the important places that could help the inmates escape? I guess Colu prisons are the same way! Once Telos is inside, he'll meet the rebels who are bad at their revolting and were caught. Then they'll devise some kind of plan that probably involves Captain K'rot digging a tunnel and missing that left turn at Albuquerque.

Telos remembers fucking his wife when he was Arak, Son of Thunder! I wish he'd remembered a different moment with less blanket.

Telos tells himself his origin story because I guess he forgot most of it until just recently so he just wanted to make sure he had it all straight. Brainiac came to steal his planet and to save his family and his people, Arak surrendered to Brainiac. He'd hoped to betray Brainiac but Brainiac wiped his memories and turned him into a much more boring character. Maybe this book should just be about Telos remembering stories from when he was Arak because his life as a shaman is more interesting than his life as Odysseus.

Captain K'rot is in prison with his partner Stealth and Captain Comet. I don't know how Captain Comet wound up here but he's like super evolved so I guess he can go wherever he wants to go. K'rot lost his ship as Telos arrived on Colu in a meteor swarm and now K'rot thinks Telos owes him a new one.

What a conveniently placed service shaft! Comic book prison architects must accept huge bribes to build their prisons so that the prisoners have access to everything they need.

The plan (which is actually a trap) goes off without a hitch except for the one hitch where Captain Comet doesn't do what he's supposed to do because he's distracted by evidence that the Psions are conducting eugenics experiments on Colu. Telos insists that they find his family before they destroy the Psions. But when Techne argues that if Psions are on Colu then his family might not exist, he relents immediately and decides to destroy the Psions first. I suppose he's smart enough to know better than to argue with a Twelfth-Level Intellect! Although he doesn't actually listen to her either because after she finds the location of the Psions, he decides to lead everybody back to Brainiac before going on the mission to kill the Psions. I thought Kyle Rayner killed them all but I guess the dirty little bastards are hard to wipe out.

Too bad on the way to Brainiac, Validus attacks! Validus is like a big baby that's evil and strong. I know most babies aren't strong but I think maybe the "evil" part was redundant.

Telos #2 Rating: No change. I suppose I could have raised the ranking this month because this issue was much better than the previous one which wasn't universe shattering at all. But it's still about a character I don't care about at all! Maybe I'd care a little bit more about him if I had been a fan of Warlord in the seventies and early eighties. But he gained a retinue which makes the book more interesting because a few of the characters from Threshold have found a new home. I'm much more interested in Stealth and Captain K'rot than I'll ever be in Telos. Plus Captain Comet reappears and there have to be at least a dozen people who love a good Captain Comet comic book.