Prez #6

I'm all for Corndog Girl on the twenty dollar bill.

Some people have been wondering why I put my reviews behind a pay wall so I thought I'd answer them now. Because they're worth it. Oh, and actually they're not--and never have been--real reviews. I'm not concerned with pointing out how the letterer perfectly captured the feeling of a vampire growling out sex commands. Or how the colorist created a cheerful and bright tone which contrasted poignantly with the sorrow and despair of the characters in the book. Occasionally I'll point out how David Finch somehow fucked up so badly that he put six fingers on Wonder Woman (not hyperbole!) or I'll defend Rob Liefeld's ability to draw feet by pointing out they're just as good as everything else he draws. I definitely do concern myself with the writing though. But is that really much of a review when I'm discussing a comic book? That's probably not even 50% of the final product! So, no, I am not writing reviews. I'm writing spontaneous essays based on whatever the fuck digressions the comic book's plot points send me spiraling into. If you're into reading fucked up ephemeral tidbits loosely based around DC Comic books, you might actually be interested in getting your ass behind the paywall. If you're not, well fuck it, right? You've got an infinite amount of free internet to peruse at your leisure. Hell, even most of the porn is free!

But if you're interested in discovering just how big my crush on Corndog Girl is, you might want to keep reading!

It's pretty fucking big, I tell you what.

Corndog Girl thought the biggest crisis of her presidency was apologizing for America's bullying, Imperialistic, self-righteous, know-it-all, narcissistic attitude! But she was totally and completely wrong if she thought that which she might not have actually thought because I may have just assumed it. The next big crisis on her plate is the Cat Flu! It's killing thousands of Americans a week because good for it! I'm pro anything that has cat in the name! Go cat flu! You're so fucking adorable! Although have you thought about maybe changing your name to Kitten Flu because, seriously, come on? How cute would that be?

These assholes are actually a bigger problem than the Cat Flu.

This paragraph is where I discuss why people who hate the government but are okay with big business doing whatever the fuck they want are complete and utter morons so if you're one of those morons, you might want to skip this paragraph and pretend I called you all geniuses instead. I feel living with lies is probably the most enjoyable way to get through life anyway. The basic premise of government is that it is of the people. People have the means to participate in government (no matter how shitty those means currently are because corporations have convinced the government to stop listening to people and, at the same time, have purchased dozens of talking heads to convince people that the government is evil and corporations are good) and to change it. No matter how crappy the system seems to work, it's at least possible to change the government. It's actually quite possible and reasonable to change local government which is how you begin to change state and national government as well. But people are allowed zero participation in corporations. No, I don't count owning a fucking stock as participating and you shouldn't either, you--what did I call you earlier? Oh yeah!--utter moron. The more you hate government and try to destroy it in favor of corporations and rich people doing whatever the fuck they want, the less ability you have to change anything. Don't trust the government? Try to change it. If the government changes in a way you don't like because other people have convinced it to change for the better, whine and pout. Oh, and try to change it, I guess. Whatever. I mean, does voting even work? Maybe the utter morons are right! In that case, I guess the best way to change the government is to start a small business, then grow that business into a bigger business, then keep growing that business into a major corporation, then avoid being bought out or subsumed into another business or destroyed by your investors, then become a nationally renowned corporation, then hire a lobbying firm, then donate millions upon millions of dollars to politicians who will reside in your pocket, then ask them to piggyback all the really shitty and selfish changes in laws to bills that the opposition party really needs to pass and voila! You've changed the system! Congratulations, you bastard.

Meanwhile Tina (formerly known as--and I only bring this up for clarification with my readers and not to try to pin her to her past--War Beast) is being harassed by the government because they want her back in their armory.

President Corndog Girl decides to seek help in finding a Cat Flu Vaccine from Fred Wayne.

The cat e-mail thing is a good gag but absolutely not the reason I scanned this page. My lust is squarely to blame.

Fred Wayne has a top secret project that he says can help save the world. He hasn't revealed it to anybody yet because Corndog Girl is the first politician who seriously wants to change the world for the better as opposed to changing the world for the richer (and by "richer," I obviously don't mean everyone! Don't make the tiny few who profit from most of the government's decisions laugh!).

President Corndog Girl's horrible congress override her veto and give Boss Smiley and his stupidly nicknamed cohorts everything they want. Once again, it's a win for nobody! I mean, it's technically a win for some people but that portion of the population for whom the win matters is so small that it's effectively zero. Therefore nobody wins. Nobody.

Well, maybe the cutest person in this futuristic version of America wins because she's as smart as she is fuckable. That was supposed to be a compliment!

This story makes me giddy and not just because all of my blood flow has been redirected to a certain area of the body due to fantasizing about my future life with President Corn Dog girl. I constantly wish logic were being used in courts and congressional hearings and house votes all across this nation. I'm tired of the answer to any ethical dilemma being determined by which side throws the most money at something. When Monsanto was suing small farmers for stealing their patents because some of Monsanto's patented soybeans were found on their farms due to natural pollen distribution, I couldn't understand how the small farmers didn't have a suit against Monsanto for contaminating their farms! I mean, logically I couldn't understand it! Monetarily, I knew exactly why the farms were getting screwed by Monsanto. I get that there are strict controls in place to keep judges from having too much power but I think we need some kind of common sense law where a judge can simply look at a suit and proclaim, "Fuck you!" Then he'd bang his gavel and the bringer of the offending lawsuit would have to pay a bajillion dollar fine.

Maybe the answer is to stop having judges who are voted into power or appointed and have a jury system for judges. But the judge jury pool would only be full of accredited scientists who are fucking smart enough to not listen to lawyers when they're entire case amounts to four truckloads of manure.

President Corndog Girl's maneuver works and congress repeals the law that gave Boss Smiley and his friends the rights to whatever DNA they could register. Her new plan to stop the spread of Cat Flu is to airlift all of the cats into New Mexico where they'd remain quarantined for a number of weeks. People are predictably angered at their cats getting a vacation while they continue to have to work fifty-two weeks per year.

Bad comic book! Bad! Pulling the putting a pet down scene is tantamount to terrorism!

Prez #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I fucking love this comic book! I hope DC Comics doesn't forget to publish Part Two sometime in the future! Although if they don't use the same creative team, I don't really care if they never publish it again. At that point, it'll be a crap shoot as to whether it's worth reading or not. I think Mark and Ben have created a really special six issue mini-series here with potential for more wild satire and cute Corndog Girl predicaments. Plus Boss Smiley is only getting started! He was practically just a bit player in this series. I'm sure he's going to be real trouble in the near future! I bet he and his cohorts do really wild and unbelievably greedy things like maybe Pharmaduke will raise the price of prescription pills by 7000%! Oh man, that would totally be hilariously unrealistic! I love you, Corndog Girl!

Prez #5

That "Teen" tattoo seems like it'll be a bad idea for a high percentage of her life.

Teenagers, right?! 'nuff said!

So a teenager has become the president of the United States of America! That is some crazy shit right there! You can't make that stuff up! Hilarious! And of course she's doing a better job than any other president in the entire history of presidents! Mostly because she's one smart cookie with super cute freckles. Her hair is cute too. And she's got a tight body and a cool sense of fashion. She probably has like some skills or something too but who cares?! She's adorable!

The issue begins by pointing out how conservative news reporters and talk show hosts are idiots. That's a smart observation! It makes me think as I read it, "Yeah! I've totally thought how vacuous and simple-minded their arguments are! Right on, comic book!" It's too bad that stupid idiots who enjoy conservative news programs won't read this and think, "Yeah! I am a super huge idiot for swallowing this pap and disinformation! Der!" Hopefully nobody reading this right now is applauding what I've written and saying, "Right on!", while high-fiving their stupid friend who follows them around just in case there's a high-fiving moment. I'm just saying be careful about cheering me on because I'll probably be lampooning your beliefs unfairly in a few paragraphs and then you'll feel a bit awkward and embarrassed and won't be able to look your high-five friend directly in the eyes.

Corn Dog Girl is all, "America is terrible and I'm here to apologize for all the terrible stuff we've done!" And the ditz who somehow has a job interviewing politicians says, "You hate America because you don't support sending young men to their deaths or to be horribly wounded so that when they return to the United States from a corporate sponsored war you can feel good by referring to them as heroes!" And I'm reading this comic book and thinking, "I wonder if President Ross gives lap dances?"

Corn Dog Girl decides to travel the world apologizing in person for America's past abuses of practically whatever you can think of. Do you have a dictionary nearby? Open it up. Point to a word. Whatever it is, America took advantage of it while probably killing a bunch of people who couldn't speak English. Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm exaggerating. Of course they spoke English although it was only as a second language.

In the future, fashionable lady's underwear is just mummy bandages. So fucking hot.

Meanwhile the newest model of American imperialist violence has escaped from the lab. It's name is War Beast and it loves musicals where women don't love men but the men keep pushing and pushing and singing and just hanging around and never taking no for an answer until finally the woman sighs and shrugs her shoulders and marries him and cries herself to sleep every night for the rest of her life. Musicals are so romantic!

War Beast travels America living in a port-o-potty. I hope he's also writing poetry which is competent at best but really sends a message to bourgeois adults who just don't fucking get it at all, man.

War Beast's mouth is an asshole!

The definition of maturity is when you stop thinking about assholes as gross or funny and begin masturbating to them.

Oh my god. Hottest president ever after Garfield.

The CEOs all have holographic projections covering their heads to maintain anonymity. The guy in the previous scan is Big Pharma. They call him Pharmaduke. Get it?! Ha ha! That dog was crazy. Although I think 97% of the jokes in a Marmaduke comic were "The dog is really big."

Pharmaduke is all, "We're working on a cat flu vaccine that is guaranteed not to cause morons to think it causes autism. But we need more money to buy bigger facilities because I'm just so big!" Corn Dog Girl is all, "I have freckles! Cute ones and not disgusting ones! Imagine my naked booby, Tess! Imagine it!" This comic book is really good!

Then it's time to explore the jet Corn Dog Girl will be taking on her Sorry America Stepped On All Of Your Toes Tour!

Duh. It's a meat generator. Who would masculinize it? Also look how easily its feelings were hurt! Zing!

Zinging the entire female gender is probably not a great idea in this social climate where we're all currently pretending everybody is equal. Look, I warned you earlier that you were going to regret high-fiving your high-five friend!

Let the apologies begin!

That Iraqi guy's English is spectacular! But that Japanese guy? What does he want from America? We never bombed them with two atomic bombs again! Meaning!

Corn Dog Girl...shit! Excuse me! I keep calling her that. I'm such a dick. President Corn Dog Girl visits Pakistan next. She wants to meet with the insurgents as well as the Pakistan government although she should probably call them freedom fighters in their presence. But the Pakistan government is all, "Fuck those dicks! If you give them one ounce of apology, we'll let loose our Russian Automated Sentry Robots! And you know how poorly programmed those pieces of shit are!" But President Corn Dog Girl is all, "We must make peace no matter the risk to ourselves!" Then she looks around to see how many people are clapping but only finds lots of people working on eulogies for her funeral.

Back in church, War Beast continues to seek redemption.

Based on the last issue mention of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, I would have liked to have seen War Beast choose the name Dorcas.

Pharmaduke tells his assistant Candi that the stock market doesn't work at all because it's just a popularity contest. The stock market is exactly like the comic book market in the 90s. Blue Chip stocks are those that are too expensive to be battered by speculation. They're the Amazing Fantasy #15s and the Action Comic #1s of the market. But most of the stock market is composed of variant covers, holographic card inserts, chrome covers, and horrible looking but mind-boggingly popular 90s Image comics. They're only of any real value while everybody believes they have value. Stock market analysts have to tell people that "bubbles" aren't really part of the stock market and that nobody should worry about them because people need to keep investing in the market or the whole thing collapses. Money isn't simply generated in the market if it's left alone, no matter how many moronic, ignorant assholes tell you that. People make money in the stock market because new money constantly flows into the stock market. And it only does that if people are convinced that it's some plodding machine that continually grows money over the years no matter what happens. But bubbles are part of the market. And the market can suffer a catastrophic collapse if all you millenials just decided to give the finger to all of the generations before you (who deserve it because they've given you the finger every day of your lives) and just completely ignored the stock market. Don't even bother with it. Just let it die! You have the power! Just like Sailor Moon!

What was the comic book talking about before I remembered how much I hated Image Comics in the 90s? Oh yeah! Pharmaduke is being a real dick about releasing the cat flue vaccine. Somebody is going to make him pay! Probably those Anonymous Hacker guys who are like the greatest Joes and Janes in the world! Totally doing a good job! Pip pip! Keep doing what you're doing which is mostly ignoring me!

Back in Pakistan, President Corn Dog Girl is all, "I'm saying important things and looking cute while doing it!"

This is only Page Sixteen and I feel like I've already read three comic books! More comic books should have this much story. Stupid decompression. I blame the millenials!

The Millenials should really consider changing their label to The Scapegoat Generation. Goats are cool.

As President Corn Dog Girl leaves her meeting with the insurgents (who are only surging for water!), the Russian Robots attack! They kill everyone which, you have to admit, solves the problem. You know what also solves the problem? Giving everybody water, food, and basic necessities. During the attack, President Corn Dog Girl's Tour Jet is shot down! The Ambassador almost dies from cardiac arrest but President Corn Dog Girl thinks fast and has Tabitha the Meat Maker create a heart to use as a transplant! It totally makes sense because the future! It also allows for an awesome cameo!

Yay Carl!

Prez #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is worth more than most comic books because it tells 300% more story. Also the art is fantastic. Also the jokes are funny. Also it comments on our culture and probably makes fun of all the correct people. Insults are so funny but you have to be careful who they're directed at or else they become bullying which is bad. Only bully the people it is socially acceptable to bully! And remember: President Corn Dog Girl is my favorite so you should just move on to somebody else. Oh, who am I kidding? Hardly anybody is reading this comic book so I'm definitely the biggest fan of Corn Dog Girl.

Wasn't this some great entertainment?! And just think: it's only one of fifty pieces that you'll be missing out on once Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea goes Membership Only! Don't think I won't do it! I pretty much write these for myself anyway. What do I care if you're not getting them for free anymore?! Cough up one dollar per month already before you begin missing out! Go to my Patreon site and sign up today! Or later this month. Whatever!

Prez #4

Free Selina!

I think it's about time I give it up and move on. I'm not willing to do videos or podcasts which means I've about reached the limit of my audience for this thing where I string bunches and bunches of words together. Besides, everybody really believes that thing Bacon or Marlowe said about brevity being the soul of wit since it justifies their shitty attention spans. The only issue with quitting the long-winded review format is figuring out what to do with all of the extra time I'll have. I guess there are always video games.

This issue has a different artist than the previous artist whose work I enjoyed so much that I can't remember his name. Was it Ben Caldwell? I think it was Ben Caldwell! Good job, brain! Have a molly! Good boy or girl!

On the second page, Prez Rickard mentions "Tinder" and I breathe a sigh of relief knowing this comic is totally modern. I can't stand those old comics by people like Dan Jurgens and other people like Dan Jurgens that don't realize time has moved past 1987. Granted, I might be one of those people seeing as how I'm still using the written format to express myself. I really should learn how to smile and maybe clean the blood stains off of my teeth so I at least have the option of appearing on camera. Although most of those YouTube videos use that quick cut editing because nobody is actually that upbeat in real life, right? Maybe I would fit right in with the proper editing! "Hey hey FUCK OFF YOU ASSHOLES this comic book was HOLY SHITFIRE decent!" See? I can make that work with a few cuts!

Well, at least the perceptive people now know what happened to Caldwell.

The previous scan shows the first really weak point in Mark Russell's vision of the future. He's finally shown a flaw in his writing. Twitter won the social media wars? Twitter is shit. Twitter is the illusion of interaction. Somebody tweets something funny and then dozens of their followers tweet horribly unfunny jokes back at them. Or they tweet mean-spirited shit in the hopes of getting noticed by the more famous person who then responds, thus inundating the mean person with loads and loads of unfunny and desperate tweets from the more famous person's idiotic fans. Some people on Twitter use it as a way to seemingly really interact with their fans, people like Sail Gimone (name changed to protect the innocent (me!) from angry rampaging Oregon androids (Sail Gimone!)). But that's just because she (or he!) has to maintain the illusion that he (or she!) is not actually a murderous android who has enslaved all of the residents of the small Oregon town where she (or he!) lives. And I can't support a social media site whose best feature is the ability to help evil monsters maintain their illusions of upstanding, hilarious, good-hearted personage.

Beth recruits her old boss as her new chief of staff. I bet she does it so she can make her do embarrassing things like speak in front of Congress or answer interviewer questions on live television!

While American service men (nerds in recliners remote controlling big robots with bigger guns) murder non-Americans to protect your freedom which you'll thank them for because you're whatever sheep call their version of sheep, Beth has a chat with Senator Thorn during the inaugural ball. Do I have to point out how his name is "thorn" or is that patently obvious? Did I use "patently" correctly there? How about "obvious"? Maybe I should do podcasts where I can't second guess my word choices after every sentence I utter.

Saying things are as dead as Jheri curl is as dead as Jheri curl. Jheri curl is so dead that I should probably stick a picture of eighties Lionel Richie here so that people know what the fuck it is.

While Beth deals with the repercussions of American robot-controlled soldiers killing brown people around the world, Fred Wayne is introduced to the readers. In his biography, it's mentioned that he bought the state of Delaware in 2029. That's only fourteen years away! I guess Bruce must have already gotten Madison pregnant because no way is Damian going to have a kid soon enough for Fred Wayne's existence to make sense. Unless time travel was involved! I bet that's it!

Oh man. This whole pig-fucking subplot couldn't be any more timely! Don't you think, David "Bae of Pigs" Cameron?

Beth and her friends relax in the presidential movie theater watching a show about Night Justice!

Fucking brilliant.

Why am I even writing "commentary" to this comic book? My entire "review" should simply read "Go read this, you ignorant assholes!" Reading my writing on Mark Russell's Prez is like looking at a turd left by somebody who just ate a meal at a Michelin Star restaurant.

Beth runs from the theater crying as "art" makes her realize "truth." Has anybody ever pointed that out before? That seems like something somebody should have written an essay about by now.

Meanwhile, the man who shot the boy playing soccer getting shot by an American service man video is about to be tortured in Guantanamo Bay. He's treated like crap because that's what happens when you train soldiers to battle. They need enemies and now they have them. Muslims! Just like American police believe that black people are enemies! Yay for training people who are supposed to be protectors to view the world as us versus them, thus making them aggressors instead! USA! USA!

Um, anyway, over in Guantanamo, the Powers That Wannabe test out a new security bot with its own artificial intelligence on some of the captives. It murders them all. Success! It's almost as clever as the Panopticon invented twenty two years earlier but lost in the Sound thanks to Oliver Queen!

Oh shit. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?! He's going to learn how to kidnap and rape!

I can't be the only one who refers to that movie as Seven Brides for Seven Kidnapping Rapists, can I?

Meanwhile, Fred Wayne is fighting injustice in the Fred Wayne way! He saw all that pig farm pork bill bullshit and has decided to buy properties next to politicians who helped pass the law. He's then turning those properties into pig farms. Using an old trick from the horror movie Hotel Hell, Fred has set up a sign for his Hello Farms with a bunch of the lights out so that the sign reads, "Welcome to Hell".

Beth decides she wants to shut down the American Robot Sentry program all over the world. So that discussion is being waged by people who actually think about things because Beth's cabinet is full of people with thoughts as opposed to people with open mouths ready to orally pleasure the person who gave them the job. While that meeting takes place, War Beast escapes and heads to Miami. Probably to sing and dance and kidnap a bunch of women.

Prez #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. Go read this, you ignorant assholes!

Prez #3

How adorable is Corndog Girl?

I've always had a secret fantasy about being an adorable, perky, cute young girl. It's probably why I was so into Sailor Moon during college. Sometimes I'm not sure if I have a crush on somebody like Corndog Girl or if I just really wish I could be Corndog Girl. Because it's not like I would want to date her or have sex with her or do much more than just look at her and read her comic book adventures. But I definitely would love to be her and then sit in my room for a week exploring my adorable body. So I'm basically doing something worse than objectifying her. I want to be her so that I can ravage myself!

When I think of the weirdness created by sexuality and crushes and growing up and just plain enjoying some cute aspect of another person, I can't help but think of Michelle Trachtenberg. If I watch something like old episodes of Degrassi Junior High, my crush on fourteen year old Caitlin isn't gross because I was fourteen years old back when the show aired. I'm reliving the nostalgia of the crush. Now that she's a forty year old woman, I have a crush on the forty year old Stacie Mistysyn. But I was in my early twenties when I discovered Michelle Trachtenberg on The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Not in a weird pedo way! I thought she was cute and hilarious and adorable! I saw Harriet the Spy because this kid charmed the pants off of me. Then I discovered she was in Buffy one season and I was happy to see Nona was continuing to get work. And now I see her and she's an adorable and sexy grown-ass adult and it's weird because I can't not see that little girl in the cast. It's also weird because I just wish I were Michelle Trachtenberg! Unless that's not weird? That's probably not weird, right?

Um, anyway, last issue, Corndog Girl was elected to the presidency of the United States. Also her father died which is too bad because she could probably have done something about his Cat Flu as the president. We were also introduced to Carl the End-of-Life Bear which is a brilliant idea and would go a long way to cure everyone's fear of death. Unless it just increases everybody's fear of bears.

This issue begins (right after a few pages portraying Smiley Enterprises as an unfeeling, horrible corporation which seems a bit unfair, really) with the President-Elect taking meetings with people suddenly super interested in Corndog Girl.

Based on this alone, she's the best president the United States will ever have.

Prez Rickard stops by to run off the venture capitalist and then usher Beth out of Eugene and into the real world where hemp bracelets can't be used as a down payment on college text books. Rickard is going to be Corndog Girl's vice-president as insurance against assassination since nobody in power wants Rickard in control of anything. He's the comic book version of Bernie Sanders, I guess.

This is how I've always thought of work. Not as how much I'm making but in how much time they're stealing from me. Now that I have my own business, I'm stealing from myself. Fucking bastard.

Manny, an employee of Boss Smiley (who was speaking in that panel up there), is turning out to be a main character or something. It's possible he was in a previous issue but since I didn't develop a crush on him, I can't remember. He'll probably become a member of Beth's cabinet since the scene after Manny goes home with a hurt ankle, betraying Boss Smiley's loyalty for his own concerns over his health, Prez Rickard tells Beth that she can actually fill her presidential cabinet with smart people instead of people to whom she owes favors.

I wonder if Neils deGrasse Tyson knows he's in this comic book?

One thing I find strange about how much Americans seem to hate smart people whom they constantly label as arrogant is that the smart people are usually overly polite and kind even in the face of blatant stupidity. Sagan. Tyson. Bill Nye. Also they're so smart that they can burn the fuck out of somebody without the person realizing how insulted they should suddenly feel. Maybe that's why they get called arrogant? If I were in their position, I'd have a worse reputation as a know-it-all dickface than Richard Dawkins.

Even if this is the version of Gargamel that just needed some mashed up smurf juice so he could turn shit into gold, the premise still holds true.

Meanwhile there's some satire about how dumb Americans are. Although is that really satire at this point?

Manny loses his job because he doesn't take big enough shits to justify his bathroom breaks. That Boss Smiley is a real hard-ass!

And then it's time for the inauguration where Beth meets her biggest government rival, Senator Old Guy Who Has Been Plotting Her Demise!

Oh Beth Ross! If you don't win over the hearts and minds of comic book fans everywhere, comic book fans everywhere have no hearts and minds.

The Bible which Senator Thorn uses to swear Beth into the presidency is Mark Russell's book, God is Disappointed In You. That would work for me. Any book would work for me since the whole swearing on some random holy book means about as much as swearing on a Judy Blume novel.

After Beth is officially the president, she gives a speech that would shame nearly every actual elected government official if they were capable of feeling shame. Then some Open Carry asshole tries to kill her but he's turned into a red smear on the sidewalk because Anonymous hacked into the security bot that was, to Senator Thorn's knowledge, going to be just for show. Suck it, Senator!

And lastly, Beth's grandma sends her a Sexy Frog as a gift for her new job.

Prez #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is an entertaining book that didn't go the route I completely thought it was going to go based on how DC Comics believes "young and hip" stories should be told. You know, throw in a lot of last week's slang and tons of references to doing things online. Instead of trying to be glitzy cool, it's smart and funny and a shame it's only going to be a limited run and missed by a lot of people. I hope word of mouth helps Prez sell a ton of Trades when it's collected because I'd love for this series to be extended into a whole mess of six shots. That would be a good format for DC to continue to use. I'd feel more confident buying a Prez six issue series than picking up a continuously running Superman comic book because it would assure me that an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end is being told. Continuous comics will always, at some point, meander into boring territory or horrible story lines. But if a comic book pitch for a six shot is accepted for publication, it usually means the story impressed enough people to take a chance on it. I hope DC Comics takes a lot of chances on Mark Russell's Beth Ross because this is some fun and intelligent story telling. I think it's what the kids were calling "some sick shit right here" a few weeks ago? Um, also the art is fantastic! Sorry, Ben, if it seems at times I'm ignoring you but realize you're at least 60% of the reason I have a crush on Corndog Girl.

Prez #2

Taco Soldiers are the best soldiers.

This issue begins with Corndog Girl Beth Ross still not president of the United States. She'd better hurry up and win the election because this series only has ten issues left after this! It really can't spend more than two issues getting her elected! Since she isn't in the White House yet, she still has to attend classes at Paris Hilton Community College. That's hot.

While learning about why Rome fell because it probably fits in to the story thematically, her asshole classmates take pictures of her because she's Youtube Famous. Also she's a candidate for the presidency but I have a feeling that's less important.

She's the most adorable character since Maps who was the most adorable character since 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 who was the most adorable character since Vampire Tig (who I still haven't forgotten! I love you Vampire Tig! Please suck me!).

Beth is wearing a Trans-Vaginal Mesh shirt which I'm sure is a band. It's also something that I dare not ask Lord Google about! I probably know enough about it from the constant commercials about how trans-vaginal meshes have destroyed billions of lives and somebody needs to be sued over them.

Beth's father has the dreaded Cat Flu which is worse than Cat Scratch Fever which is actually a real thing and not just a Ted Nugent song. My cousin Jason had it once and he thought he had cancer because it creates a hard lump in your lymph nodes under your chin or on your neck or something. He was really scared until he found out it was Cat Scratch Fever. Everybody was relieved that they didn't have to be sad and could make fun of him instead.

I wish Carl would become the main character in Action Comics.

Carl the End-of-Life Bear appears for a total of six panels and he's way more interesting than Superman has been for two and a half years! I think I might want to fuck him.

Beth's father begins to hallucinate but it sounds a lot like wisdom and encouragement so Carl the End-of-Life Bear holds off on mauling him to death. Dad is all, "Beth! Your brain is brainy! Go get it!" Then Carl the End-of-Life Bear gives Beth's dad some Banana Pudding and Beth's dad dies. I think maybe Beth has a lawsuit against the hospital! Although I think if you eat anything from somebody with the title "End-of-Life," it's your own fault. No lawyer in the world can defend that kind of stupidity. Although I would probably smoke some of Carl's Mary Juana. I bet Carl would be the best friend ever. I'd totally suck his dick.

Why don't animal peeners have hair on them? That's probably proof of Intelligent Design. God was all, "I can't hide those hot little pink lipsticks with hair! Will Pablo Picasso cover his masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, in feces?! No way!" Then God remembered Picasso will be hanging around that Gertrude person a lot and decide that the Mona Lisa probably needed a better model and decided that other guy would paint it. Whatever his name was. Probably one of the Ninja Turtles, right?

Man, if you believe in God, I probably think you're dumb. Now hold on! I know that sounds arrogant! But just wait until you stop believing in God! You'll realize how stupid you were to believe in God and you'll think, "Oh yeah! Hey! Tess was right!"

You know the best way to get somebody to believe in God? Destroy their life when they don't believe in God! You know the best way to get somebody to stop believing in God? Destroy their life when they do believe in God!

Meanwhile in the House of Representatives, the vote for president continues to fail to pick a winner. But Corndog Girl is gaining ground because all the representatives have begun to vote for Corndog Girl so they can negotiate with the other candidates for their votes. But they hold out too long and Corndog Girl winds up president of the United States. Tacos for everyone!

Carl! Make that seven panels he appears in!

A guy named Preston Rickard picks up Beth before she can be mobbed by reporters at the grave of her dad. He's going to be Beth's Yoda because he's been through this before. I mean almost been through this before! Sometimes fans of certain comic books have to forget that they know things because of those comic books. They have to shut their stupid holes and just take it. Prez offers to be Beth's vice president because everybody apparently hates Preston Rickard more than Corndog Girl. Although they don't really hate Corndog Girl! They just hate the idea of her being president. I don't know why! If she were giving a State of the Union speech, I'd finally sit through one!

Also, I bet Preston "Prez" Rickards is working for Boss Smiley! Somebody has to be!

Prez #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Guess how many Narration Boxes this comic book has? Zero! Now guess how good it is? The opposite of zero! I think that math proves that using Narration Boxes is lazy and never, ever needed to write a good comic book. The art is super duper cute. And the story is actually story-like! If you are not reading this comic book, I weep for humanity.

Prez #1

I can't wait for all of the references to social media and apps and constant cell phone usage! That means youth!

The writer, Mark Russell, is my age and seems to be as fascinated with The Bible as I am. He has a book out called God is Disappointed in You which is a casual retelling of The Bible with cartoons by Too Much Coffee Man's Shannon Wheeler. I will (most likely) soon have an ebook out tentatively titled "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs." That will probably change. It goes a bit more in-depth in my reading of The Bible since Mark Russell's book retells the entire Bible in about three hundred pages. I've got three hundred pages alone on Genesis. But that's good for me! Because I can publish one study guide for each book of The Bible which means more money! Although I don't have Shannon Wheeler doing any art for it. Maybe I can get Gerhard to do some stuff. What's he been doing since Cerebus wrapped up?

My point is that Mark Russell is writing a teenager and he's my age. Which means he'll be pretty good at it because I'm excellent at catching the flavor and nuance of teenage language! Here's an example:

Teen #1: "I was talking with this guy the other night."
Teen #2: "What did you talk about?"
Teen #1: "No. We were talking talking."
Teen #2: "Oh right! Did you use protection?"
Teen #1: "No! We were talking talking talking!"
Teen #2: "I'm confused. Can we just go back to using language that actually describes what we were doing instead of describing something we were not doing which winds up being something different every time?"
Teen #1: "Hashtag no."

Spot on, right?! I hope Mark Russell captures the majesty and wonder of being a teenager the way I do!

The story takes place in 2036 where old men still run the country but they somehow know how to use "pocket drones" and "camera eyes" and "cell phones." So far this is pure science fiction! I bet they can even pop boners without pills and they don't constantly hit on their interns! A group of senators called "The Colonels" are having a secret meeting. I bet it's to whine about how they have to take orders from a young girl whose first executive order was that everybody had to register to vote under their Hogwarts' house!

Apparently the president isn't a teenage girl yet. The Colonels are meeting to come up with a candidate whom they can manipulate and control. Most of their potential candidates have either turned out to be too gay or too well-documented while they were enjoying their youth. They eventually choose a Christian that eats hot dogs like he's fellating the other candidates. Apparently in the future, nobody can be president because our lives have become too well-documented and America is still hung up on pretending to believe their elected leaders are temptation denying, heterosexual, god-fearing teetotalers. As if that's ever been the case.

Meanwhile in Eugene, Oregon, the place furthest away from giving a fuck about politics, the future president appears!

Oh, she's adorable. I'd vote for her!

I bet I could have been president at her age too! I once threw a block of lard in an empty, still turned on Kentucky Fried Chicken deep fryer and it exploded into flames! Man, I wish that place had burned down that day!

Meanwhile on host Amber Wave's show on DCNN, Senator Jay Thorn proves that conservatives are still more worried about the fraction of people cheating the food stamp system instead of giving any fucks about the people who actually need the program. If people who claim they believe in Christian values actually believed in Christian values then they wouldn't care about the percentage of people who cheat the system. People will always cheat every system. The senators in power cheat the fucking system all the time and they just call it their job. A real Christian would simply feel sorry for those taking advantage of the system. Those people are cheating themselves out of a quality life. But that's their choice. It's not our responsibility to take the free ride away simply so that they'll pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Even without the system, they'll find some other way to cheat themselves out of living a fulfilling life. But a much higher percentage of people need the system, and use it as, a safety net to protect them from tough times and to help them get back on their feet. Those are the people Christians should be worried about. Stop trying to be the Bootstrap Police and simply concentrate on the people who need help. Oh wait. My entire argument is invalid because the real reason conservatives want to end any program that helps the needy is because they're greedy, vengeful assholes who just can't bear it if one single person in the United States of America is using their taxes in a way in which they disapprove because they fucking worked hard for that money, Goddammit!

But this Senator Thorn is suggesting Taco Drones which sounds good to me! I'm in!

In the future, people can vote via Twitter. Presidential candidates are forced to campaign on Vlogs or Videocasts or YouTube Channels or Redtube streams or whatever currently has the most viewers in every state. It's campaigning for the future! Which is probably why Beth Ross is going to win the presidency because the Corndog Girl video is hitting its viral peak during elections and she's going to get a fucktonload of write-ins. I'm sure the runner-up will still be that fucking kid whining about Charlie biting his goddamn finger.

Beth needs to make some money to save her dad who has The Future Flu. It's more deadly than even Past Flu which was pretty deadly. Heck Present Flu is no picnic either! She tries to go on a show called Double-Dare Billionaire but doesn't make it on because some other kid wins by shooting himself in the leg. It's not as gruesome as what goes on in the Big Brother house on a daily basis though, so at least entertainment has improved in the future.

This guy obviously hasn't been paying attention to the power of the internet to vote on stupid shit like the names of local bridges and flavors of potato chips.

Even Mark Russell has some misbegotten trust in the electoral system somehow being more powerful than the internet because in his fictional story, Corndog Girl (Beth Ross!) only wins Ohio. But anyway, because of her win, no candidate gets enough electoral votes to win the presidency. That means it's up to the House of Representatives to vote on the winner. Although we all know who really runs America, don't we?! Yes, Big Business! In a secret CEO Meeting at Build-a-Burger Headquarters, Boss Smiley tells the other CEOs how it's really going to be: Corndog Girl in 2036!

Prez #1 Rating: Where's the like button on this site? How do I give this comic book affirmation without a gorram like button?! I guess I have to use words? Okay then. I think Beth Ross is an adorable and likeable character. She's selfless and tenacious and her hair looks great and the freckles are really cute. I was worried about how "cool" this comic book was going to try to be but it's got quite a bit of that Transmetropolitan colorful fun wacky future flair. And I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by the appearance of Boss Smiley as the behind the scenes master manipulator who's going to be Beth's Fremesis but there I was! Surprised! And excited. This is a solid book that looks to be a lot of fun and has a platform to comment on lots of social issues. I mean, Mark Russell has already solved the food stamp problem. How soon can we get these Taco Drones in the air?