Batman Loves Superman #25

I don't remember this Weird-Ohs Kit.

Let me be up front about my feelings for this comic book: I hate it. I can't stand it. It hurts my stomach to have to read it. It might be giving me pancreatic cancer. It's an abomination. It should be rated G for Garbage. The world is worse off for its existence.

The major problem with this comic book is that it shouldn't exist anymore. Commissioner Gordon has no reason to deal with Superman, and Superman has no reason to interact with Commissioner Gordon. But since both of their names are on the cover, some ridiculous premise needs to be maintained to keep them both in the comic book. I present to you the ridiculous premise:

It's not now, nor has it ever been, your job to babysit Superman, Commissioner Gordon.

Commissioner Gordon has ordered Clark Kent out of Gotham because that's something a police officer is apparently allowed to do. Now Gordon is paranoid that Clark hasn't left Gotham at all! Although why would Clark want to stay? It's not his home. The only person he really hangs out with has forgotten all about him. Everybody in the world hates him. So why would he remain in Gotham and why would Gordon be so insistent that Clark hasn't left? Oh yeah! I forgot about how the cover has both of their names on it.

Superman is currently on his own mission flying around in a hang-glider that's invisible to radar because fuck you. I mean comic books. I mean Waynetech. He's flying around thinking, "Who the hell needs Batman anyway?" And yet he's hacked into Commissioner Gordon's comm device because he just wants to badger Gordon.

Throw you off of what?! You just wanted him out of Gotham. But you also desperately need to find him. Go fuck yourself, Commissioner Pak. I mean Gordon.

Since somebody had the great idea to take away Superman's powers, Superman now must get around like a normal person and do regular detective work to solve his crimes. No, just kidding! He can't fly but he now gets some kind of rocket powered hang-glider. He doesn't have x-ray vision but--you know what?--he's now got some Waynetech glasses that scan people for weapons. Basically anything that he could have done with his old powers, he can still do via some Waynetech gadget. But it's important that he can't always do those things because then he'd be too powerful and boring and Marvel Fanboys might criticize DC Comics for having such a powerful hero. It's much better this way!

Jesus Christ. Just make him omnipotent already.

Hey! Why would Superman even bother to ask if the weapons are reproductions? Oh, I know why! Because it will be important later to realize that Vandal Savage has a whole army of immortal beings on his side! Or he's at least equipping them with ancient weapons that are still in peak condition and just perfect for battling superheroes.

The Dawn Command "barbarians" have just recently been thawed which is why they have ancient weapons that, thankfully, Superman figured out were authentic right off the bat. They're still trying to remember what burritos are but they can drive armored cars without any problem. They also have trouble fighting depowered Superman because he's invisible. Thanks, Waynetech! You make omnipotence a reality!

Superman even has a "refitted, computer piloted Bat-chopper." Because of course Superman had the capability of putting that shit together. I think Batman installed a switch on all of his computer technology that could be flipped to allow Superman to take over by using his voice commands. That's probably something Batman would have bothered with.

As Superman is about to hook up his new Dawn Command armored truck to his Bat-chopper, he's hit by a rocket. Don't worry! Even though he just reminded us on the previous page that he doesn't have his full powers, he still manages to survive. That's because he's got enough of his powers to survive whatever happens but not enough for people to know he's going to survive. And by "people" I mean "idiots."

Has Superman really ever been known for his smarts though?

A panel like the previous scan isn't one that most people would think too much about. But it's one of the things that drives me absolutely crazy. It points to some of the basic problems with the structure of certain comic books and why I can't stand them while other people don't seem to mind them. The problem is that the only reason this new antagonist (Vandal Savage, I'm sure) mentions somebody always being smarter than Superman is because Superman spent the last page thinking about how he has a plan that he thought through completely without Batman's help and how everything was going exactly as planned. Basically this antagonist's first words to Superman are a response to what Superman was just previously thinking. The antagonist continues by pointing out Clark has made up for his mental deficiency by partnering with brilliant minds because Superman was just thinking about how he doesn't need Bruce. It's dialogue and Narration Boxes that are written to the "Batman/Superman" theme instead of feeling organic to the story. It's crap.

Vandal makes sure to point out that he's Vandal Savage so that Superman knows who kills him. And I guess Vandal likes killing people using blunt force trauma because that's what he's most familiar with. So instead of shooting Superman over and over again to kill him, he walks up on him so he can smash Clark in the face with the butt of his gun. Superman takes the gun away proving that Vandal isn't as smart as he thinks he is.

So Vandal's plan was to wait two thousand years until a baby from Krypton landed on Earth and then wait about thirty more until that Kryptonian lost most of his powers and to then get in a fist fight with him?

Oh yes! I love when the good guy turns the tables on the bad guy by not giving in and using the bad guy's arrogance against him! Too bad this time, Clark is in over his head. And he's acting stupid. But I guess throwing your life away in a hopeless cause is the best representation of truth, justice, and the American way.

Vandal punches Superman into a tree and then gets distracted. That's when Superman slips away and Vandal's plan falls apart. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Foiled again! Lucky for Superman, Batgirl was on hand to save him. She'll probably have to take him back to her apartment and remove his clothing to make sure he isn't bleeding out somewhere vital.

Dear Diary,
Today I totally rescued Superman. He got his ass handed to him by some long haired weirdo but I was keeping an eye on him. He should have expected it, you know? Did he really think he reprogrammed all of Batman's equipment so that it would listen to him?! He's a reporter, not a programmer! AnySwayze, I pulled him from the scene just before he became Kryptonian Flambe. Does Flambe need an accent? I don't know, Diary. Maybe if Dad had ever been able to take us out to a real restaurant instead of Wendy's every night, I might have some kind of food culture. So I took Superman back to the Batcave where he was unconscious for eight hours. Mmm. Eight hours of bandaging his naked body. I didn't realize unconscious people near death could pop boners while getting sponged off but hoo boy! That one's definitely going in the Slap Trap. I did manage to get his pants back on him after the erection subsided, so hopefully he'll never know I got a sneak Bat-peek at the Kryptoboner.

Batgirl puts all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that gets the plot moving but makes the comic book terrible. At least it's just one more page of terrible amid the other twenty-one so it's not like it really matters. By figuring out that Vandal Savage is working with freeze-dried barbarians, they find where Vandal Savage has been hanging out with his ancient warriors who speak relatively good English and love burritos. Unless the people digging up nuclear warheards are just the standard locals. It's hard to tell since Batgirl just spouted a bunch of nonsense to explain how she found where Savage would be.

Batgirl decides that they'll speak with the locals being threatened by Savage and help to turn them against him. And she brought along Dick Grayson and Jason Todd to help because they weren't busy with much of anything else and somebody might need to be shot in the face and/or mesmerized by a hot ass.

Batman Loves Superman #25 Rating: -1 Ranking. I currently have a cold which had me sneezing the entire time I was reading this comic book. Half the time, I simply wiped my nose with this comic book because it was closer than the box of Kleenex. So at least I got some money's worth out of it.