Saturday, October 1, 2016

Superman #7

I don't think the Smiths raise cattle so what the fuck is up with the barbed wire?

The Review!
I wasn't going to do any running commentary while reading this comic book (that's why it says "The Review!" up there and not "The Commentary!") but since I already mentioned the barbed wire on the cover, I thought I should point out, to myself, that the Smiths' neighbors have cattle. So I guess they put up the barbed wire and Jon probably defaced it because he's a little asshole. Also, the Smiths live in Hamilton County. So the Location Box in Justice League should have said "Smith Farm, Hamilton County." I suppose Hamilton County and Metropolis can still be the same place. It's not like DC Comics has a good grip on where Metropolis is anyway. Besides, they're the company that couldn't remember that the Arctic and the Antarctic were two different places. I guess nobody ever said you needed a geography degree to write comic books.

Maybe I'll just go back to bullet points for these comics that I want to read quickly but still might have stupid comments to make.

• Kathy, Jon's neighbor, thinks Jon is totally adorable in his new glasses. Mostly she's flirting with him because he's the only other kid she knows. Her first kiss has got to come from somewhere and it's either Jon or one of the cows.

• Some ugly guys are standing around outside the entrance to the fair so of course they're going to rob it. It's not like society expects better of ugly people. Sure, we all just wish they'd stay inside and stop bumming us all out but that would be unkind. It's much more kind to look at them and interact with them without showing that you're holding in your vomit. But just because we pretend they don't make us sick, it doesn't mean we have to give them jobs! So what else can they do except engage in petty crime? It's probably for the best. If they're in jail, nobody else has to look at them and think, "Oh god. I'm so glad I'm attractive!"

• No, I am not typing this from inside a prison cell! How dare you!

• The Smiths are having a nice day at the fair and Clark has promised Lois that tonight he wouldn't be Superman at all. Not even a smidgen! I mean, not at the fair! He'll definitely be Superman when they get home, if you get my meaning! I mean he's going to bang her good!

• Lois decides to ask about any jobs at the Hamilton Horn since there's a woman passing out Hamilton Horn papers at the fair for some reason. I probably shouldn't think about it too hard or I'll expose the delicate framework of contrivance needed to get certain plot points out of the way in the quickest manner. Lois needs a job at a paper and this is a good time to get that started! Plus it separates her from Clark and Jon so they can do some superheroing behind her back.

• Clark manages to restrain himself but he uses his powers to listen in on the ugly people's plan. Now he knows they'll be robbing the box office when the fireworks start so he can feign an attack of diarrhea and rush off to stop the crime without Lois being upset that he Supermanned without her permission.

Pshaw! That ribbon isn't blue!

• Clark meets the town pediatrician whom he'll never let near his son. That's probably going to be an awkward conversation. I suppose Clark can fall back on stupid religious beliefs as to why he doesn't give a shit about his kid's health.

• And then it's time for the fireworks!

Ha! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Clark makes it back in time to ride the coaster with his wife and son but his diarrhea cover is blown when the kids running the ride leave the microphone on as they talk about the guy with heat vision who stopped the ticket booth robbery. Lois acts like she's mad but I'm sure her labia majora are fully swollen. Unless Labia Majora is a character from Final Fantasy. I'm not that good with women's anatomy!

The Ranking!
+3! Now this was a Superman story! Hooboy, this is how a Superman story should be written! Save the big end of the world bullshit for Justice League. Make Superman about how he lies to Lois and his son so that he can fight crime without being scolded or whined at! Plus this is simply how you do a Superman story. You don't need an opponent who punches hard enough for Superman to say "Hey! I felt that!" You just need a B Story that interferes with Superman's ability to bring the A Story to an easy conclusion! This is fucking textbook, man! And it's far better than Superman pummeling a space beast for ten out of the twenty pages where he wins out in the end by thinking, "I just have to believe I can!" Then his punches get better and he wins! Fuck that shit. I like stories where Superman can easily defeat the antagonist because, you know, he's FUCKING SUPERMAN! So the actual conflict needs to come from another source. I suppose occasionally he can fight a Doomsday or something. But even then, make him use his fucking head more often than simply beating the shit out of the thing. Fucking loved this story! Bees knees! Triple Plus Good!

But I haven't forgotten that Peter J. Tomasi and Patick Gleason are fucking cat murderers. Bastards.

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