Saturday, October 8, 2016

Deathstork #3

If you're going to copy Deathstork's outfit, at least improve on the flaws. Like the colors. And the excessive pouches. And the flared boots. Oh wait. She did fix those. Good start!

The Commentary!
• I'm feeling a bit underappreciated as a Writer lately. It's been making me think: why am I wasting my talents on comic book readers?! They're the most unsophisticated readers in the library! It's like, "Have you checked out anything with words while you're waiting for every single comic book trade to become available?" I mean, I write stuff like "The first short story is called 'Home Alone'. It's about how Joseph Wilson was constantly being left home by himself due to his mercenary parents constantly rushing off to other countries to assassinate people and his older brother throwing temper tantrums and running away because he didn't feel like his dad loved him enough. Joseph apparently doesn't feel loved enough either because when the house is empty, he invites a bunch of strange teenagers over to party on the off chance that a few of them might think, 'Jake Wilbur is the coolest!'" and who responds with, "Holy shit! What a way with words! What an elegantly heartbreaking example of mankind's unending loneliness due to our inability to connect with others!"? Nobody, that's who! Not one person! And yet people cream their corduroys over Hemingway!

• I guess I'm destined to be discovered after I'm dead, Emily Dickinson style. That's probably the usual fate of shut-ins without any real ambition for fame or money but who just want to write. Although I wouldn't mind some of that sweet money! Just enough to keep me in Oreos until I'm too fat to leave the house and I die of heart disease. Then my obituary can read, "Local Fat Man Who Thought He Could Write Dies Lonely Death. Jake Wilbur Will Be Missed. By No One! BURN!"

• Don't bother trying to pay me compliments now that I've pointed out you're all unsophisticated dum-dums! It's too late for that! I know you're all terrible Readers anyway! It's why you're reading my thoughts on the comic books you've already read! So you can think things like, "Oh yeah! I totally knew that's what that was about! Themes and stuff!"! I should probably start a commentary blog for this commentary blog.

• This issue (unless it's just the first story?) is called "By Any Other Name." Most of you uncouth chowderheads probably don't get why it's called that! Pshaw! It's so obvious! I bet a monkey that was taught how to press the button on a game show buzzer could answer a question on this if it were on Jeopardy. Although the monkey would probably forget to say the answer in the form of a question because it's just a stupid monkey.

• Don't you hate how on Jeopardy, when a contestant says the answer without making it a question, they still have time to correct the error, spurred on by Alex Trebek looking at them as if they're the biggest idiots on the planet. They're all, "Rose!" And then Alex Trebek's eyes roll back in his head and spittle forms on his lips and he starts looking around for a gun to shoot himself in the face with but when he can't find one, he just starts screaming, "YOU FUCKING CAME ON JEOPARDY OF YOUR OWN ACCORD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING SMART BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAIN TWIST TO THIS STUPID QUIZ SHOW!" Instead of letting them rephrase the question, they should deduct five hundred dollars from their score and throw a pub dart into their neck.

• The second short story is called "33". Who wants to take a Jeopardy guess as to why that's the title of this story? "What is the age Jesus's best friend went all smoochy face on him so that the Roman Guards would be all, 'That's the one! The dude kissing the other dude! Not the one with his pockets bulging with silver! The other one! The poor one!'"

• "33" might also be an emoticon of a blinking pirate with a harelip. Oh! Or Deathstork blinking! And with a harelip!

• Oh wait! Before I get to the second story, I had a question about the first story!

"There can only be one reason Rose Wilson takes two hour showers." "What is masturbation, Alex?"

• I also had the answer to my question! Jeopardy style!

• Rose is just like her father but with a different name. Except instead of having super reflexes, she has super intuition. Or maybe it's just straight up precognition. She sees how a hit might go wrong and then changes the way the hit goes. So she's like Midnighter if Midnighter were actually terrible. Compared to Midnighter, she has a fraction of his ability and that fraction is one over infinity. Although is that really a fraction? That's really just zero, right? I can't do the proof but I'm sure there's a proof that proves it.

• The "33" of the title is the number of bullets in the magazine of an Uzi plus one in the chamber. But why would there be one in the chamber? Do people often fire off thirty-one bullets and then stick a new clip on before firing that last bullet? I don't know anything about guns but I do play Call of Duty!

• Rose was only paid to stop a hit and, with her mental abilities, realized she was going to die as the hit went south. So she knocked everybody out because she's apparently a disappointment to her father. He's all, "Oh, so we're in the knock men out game, are we?!" And Rose is all, "FUCK YOU, DAD!"

The "you" in Wintergreen's statement obviously refers to Slade.

• The third story is called "Ready". That probably rhymes with Teddy and not seedy, right? Although I hope it rhymes with seedy because a story called "Ready" (rhymes with seedy!) is right up the alley of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (rhymes with seeder).

• We all know Rose has serious Daddy Issues because she's a character in the DC Universe. But boy howdy does she have Daddy Issues! She's constantly trying to assure Slade that her vagina is closed for business! She's all, "I'm not stripping!" and "I'm not doing it to Richard!" And then she gets really gross and starts discussing "owning her own sexuality" and how "it's none of Slade's business." Then why do you keep bringing it up?! I know why! She's withholding sex with men she's intimate with because, in a way, she feels like she's withholding her love for her daddy! Because he never gave her any. So now she isn't going to give any to her Daddy Substitutes! Boom! Psychotherapized!

• Deathstork decides Rose isn't ready to have sex since she tells her dad that she isn't having sex. Unless what they're actually talking about is murder! Are they talking about murder? Am I supposed to understand that Rose is a Murder Virgin?!

• The fourth story is called "Closure" and it's the one where Adeline shoots out Slade's eye. You know that story! I'm sure you've read it before. There's this kid, Jake or something, who gets his throat cut and Adeline is all, "Dammit! Why did you let that kid, what's-his-name, get his throat cut, you dum-dum!" Then Slade is all, "What do you want me to do? I can't even remember his name!" Then Adeline is all "BANG" and Slade is all "Why won't my eye heal?! Stupid powers!"

• Christopher Priest or the Letterer spell Qurac wrong. But I blame the Editor! The editor is supposed to catch that mundane stuff. Writers can't be bothered with spelling things correctly! They're busy baring their souls to an uncompromising universe! They're busy flinging their seed into the barren wombs of the masses! They're busy metaphoring up similes to analogize their pain!

• Rose tells her dad she was "trained" by Nightwing. So she has had sex! And she's definitely a Murder Virgin! Mystery solved! Although the boy she was sleeping with was named Richard and she said she wasn't actually "sleeping" with him and Dick's name is Richard so was that Nightwing sharing the bed with her and not having sex?

Christopher Priest wrote it! I didn't write it! He said it! Not me! He's the one calling out stupid teenagers! I may or may not agree but I do know I didn't say it!

• I don't think "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" actually means anything. Unless what he's getting at is that she's deconstructed sex in such a way as to explain that by not having sex she is somehow controlling others using a negative action while denying herself the pleasure of sex in a bullshit attempt to empower herself. Or Deathstork is the one spouting the B.S. philosophy that is neither Faustian nor postmodern!

• Although the phrase "like every other empty-headed nitwit teenager, you're too immature to know how stupid you are" is pure poetry.

• Deathstork figures out Ricky, the person who paid Ravager to stop Leon from killing Ricky's boys, took the papers for the hit on Ravager. Deathstork lets Ricky live but takes some of the cash to trace it back to whoever paid Ricky. I guess Deathstork doesn't like people taking hits out on his daughter.

• Ricky is a grandmother. I think.

• Deathstork analyzes the money and has a realization: Batman has money! Lots of it! The person who put the hit out on Rose must be Batman! And it's off to Gotham City so Slade can get his ass handed to him in his own comic book! What a dumby!

The Ranking!
+2! Whattya know?! A good Deathstork comic book! It's like that time that I believed something that didn't exist might actually exist and then pretended that it did exist even though it didn't! Except this time, it does exist! I think. This book is real, right? Or did I just hallucinate it? It's possible I hallucinated it because I seem to remember something about a "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" and that sounds like something that I'd make up trying to sound smart!

1 comment:

  1. Why did they put Rose back in that hideous costume. The one she had back in Ravagers was so much better. Why isn't Rose a stripper? Nothing says "owning your sexuality" like displaying your body to horny, desperate men while knowing they are never going to get laid.

    I'd rather see Rose in her own comic than Slade who is just an idiot anymore.