Friday, October 28, 2016

Wonder Woman #8

Remember in junior high school how learning the different types of Greek columns seemed super important? Was junior high simply preparing everybody for the day they might appear on Jeopardy?

Here are the three most important things that happened in my 7th grade history class: I tried a date for the first time; my teacher told me a terrible story about keeping your arms inside the windows of moving vehicles lest they get sheared off at the elbow; and Midori Moody took off her sweater in front of me and her shirt went up with it. Also I guess I learned that there was some kind of superficial difference between Ionic, Doric, and Corinthian columns.

I hope this is the issue that sets down in canon that Diana is bisexual. I hope it sets it down for like seven or eight egregiously detailed pictures. I'm using the archaic definition of egregious! Also, possibly, some of the modern definition.

Cheetah is a polyglot?! Sexy!

Apparently biweekly comic books make it difficult to tell a coherent story with a cohesive look. So not only has every other issue been about Wonder Woman's past, and every other other issue has been about Wonder Woman trying to figure out her past, now it's time for an interlude so everybody telling those other stories can catch their breath! This issue is about Cheetah. But since the cover said Wonder Woman and not Cheetah, I'm still hoping that eight or nine pages of it will star Diana Prince's tongue and fist and Amazonian strap-on.

Early in Cheetah's life, her father forbade her from using her imagination. From that point on, it was all serious business! That's the only real defining moment of Cheetah's childhood, so the story move on to many years later when Cheetah is much older and has much more polyglot experience. It's also possible that Cheetah had some other formative moments from her childhood but this is only a twenty page stories and eight or nine pages of it have been reserved for the sex scene.

In these early years, Cheetah wasn't Cheetah yet but I'm going to keep calling her Cheetah because fuck you. Sorry, sorry. That was probably more aggressive than it should have been. It probably shouldn't have been aggressive at all! It sounds like I know I'm doing a disservice to the character but sticking defensively to my guns because I'd rather double down on ineptitude than admit that I'm being disrespectful to the character of Barbara Ann Whatever.

Anyway, Cheetah believes the Amazons weren't myths at all but a real civilization that threatened the patriarchies of their day. Amazons were so good with bows that suddenly men couldn't show their erect penises in public for fear of getting an arrow through their shaft. They probably went around grumbling how women were ruining everything with their vocal demands for individual respect! I bet they were all, "Women are ruining our leisure activities! All of the games down at the Greek Game Spot were always about fucking as many women as possible! But did you see what was on the shelves last week?! A game about women having successful businesses! How am I supposed to enjoy Vagina Tallies or Breast Who or Titillation Town when I know there's a game that doesn't treat women as prizes! Outrageous!" Cheetah's peers are all, "You're probably wrong for man reasons. Also, how did you get a degree in man's work?"

On this expedition where another man was telling her, yet again, to stuff her imagination, Cheetah discovers the tomb of a queen of the Amazons. But immediately after discovering the tomb that only her eyes saw, the mountain collapses on it, sealing it forever. Her peer, Dr. Martin, is all, "That's too bad! I told you the Amazons were a myth!"

Dr. Martin scolds Cheetah for trying to fake up evidence and then clears the camp and leaves the site. But Cheetah wasn't the one to break into the tomb first! Somebody else broke in before her! Unless they broke out? The rubble was lying in the wrong direction for somebody to knock the wall into the tomb!

Cheetah spends the next few months trying to learn more. She realizes part of the one picture she took showed a star map and so she spends more time looking for the place on Earth where one could see the stars in her map. Eventually she discovers Paradise Island but finds no Amazons upon it. So they disappeared after Diana left. But at least Cheetah knows where the island is, so she can help Diana get back to find out what happened to the Amazons. It also might help Wonder Woman figure out her own history. Are the Amazons missing because of Crisis on Infinite Earths? Infinity Crisis? Identity Crisis? Convergence? Zero Hour? Bloodlines?! The New 52?! Rebirth?! What's real?!

The Rankings!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Wonder Woman (*)
4. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
5. Suicide Squad (*)
6. The Flash (*)

I don't think this book is much for me. I recognize that it isn't terrible but I'm just not quite interested in the story it's telling. I suppose at this point, I just want DC to figure itself the fuck out and stick with something. Of course, that will never happen. But they really screwed up by erasing their entire history with The New 52. Now they've got to figure out a way to sneak it all back in while continuing to tell stories in The New 52 universe.

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