Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Future Quest #5

More old cartoon characters I don't remember! Where's Hong Kong Phooie?! Or Speed Buggy?! Or the Hair Bears?!

The Review!
When last we left our heroes--I mean, your heroes! They certainly aren't my heroes! Where the fuck is Blue Falcon?!--they had found themselves in some kind of Time Vagina. That's an actual scientific term! Look it up! No wait! Don't look it up! I'm going to name my first published novel Time Vagina!. Hmm, I wonder if I should use two exclamation points?

Luckily they met a caveman who seemed to be able to help them by leading them back to his cave where they could plan their next course of action. Although, what kind of plan can you really come up with when you've fallen into a Time Vagina? It's not like you have any control of your own life at that point!

And, let's face it, how much help are they going to get from a caveman who paints dinosaurs pulling trains on his home? Disgusting.

The painting on Ug's home is actually just his Mightor fanfiction. It's heavy on the homosexual dinosaur gang bangs.

The eight year old member of the heroic team translates the cave paintings for the group. Oh, come on! What does an eight year old know about homosexual dinosaur gang bangs?! I mean, aside from the names of all of the dinosaurs!

This Time Vagina has teeth!

After the eight year old kid deconstructs the ancient slash fanfic, he says, "My dad has been pulling fossils out of a tar pit for months--they take a long time to clear off." I've never heard anything so disgustingly filthy before! Sicko perv!

Nope. Wait. There we go. Hadji is even more disgusting. Unless that's me who is more disgusting because I read too much into that statement. Eh, tomato, tomato.

The Quest Team (which is, I suppose, what they're officially called since that's how FEAR refers to them) stumble upon a gang of FEAR thugs opening crates in a clearing. Of course, Race Bannon immediately opens fire on them. What a fucking dick! No warning shots or anything! They could just be camping, asshole! Or cosplayers! Luckily for Race, Jade X doesn't have the same kind of bloodthirsty murder monsters running through her veins, and she simply knocks him unconscious. Then she ass rapes him with her gun. Probably. That's totally off camera. Also, it's not really rape because she knows Race is into getting knocked out and then having a pistol shoved into his anus. They used to date.

Birdman is flying to their rescue as he screams into his wrist wrappings. He might be a little bit insane.

Suddenly, from out of the prehistoric jungle (aka the Time Vagina Bush), stampedes a host of dinosaurs! Also a Woolly Mammoth. I don't want anybody thinking I think a Woolly Mammoth is a dinosaur! I almost said "a host of prehistoric creatures but then I'd get criticism over that too. So instead, I have an awkward sentence just to keep Internet trolls off of my dick. The dinosaurs (and Mammoth!) are being mind-controlled by Doctor Zin! I guess he didn't trust Jade X to get the job done. Or maybe he did and he just sent the dinosaurs (and Mammoth!) in too early. I think they were meant to kill Jade so he wouldn't have to pay her. Perhaps this is the point where she switches teams! As a mercenary, that's her prerogative! Possibly. I know the best comic book mercenaries stake their entire reputation on getting every paid job done. But sometimes, the mercenary can flip flop jobs! So as long as Jonny Quest gives Jade a buck or two, she can probably switch sides without completely destroying her reputation.

As the battle rages around them, Jonny and the other kids begin looting FEAR's campsite.

Holy shit! Look at how angry Jonny is at this kid! "Fucking amateur! Go back to the Louisiana swamps, you dolt!"

I'd be annoyed if I were Jonny too! He's a professional kid adventurer and suddenly he's been teamed up with all of these nobodies. Just behind him, Jan is picking up an old skull and remarking, "I'm glad these aren't alive!" Meanwhile, a bunch of alive ones are tearing through the camp! Holy fuck. Now I'm getting annoyed! I hope Jonny snaps and murders some of these fools.

Maybe Jonny won't have to snap. It looks like FEAR can take care of a few pesky kids and their menagerie!

What saying is that? "Curiosity in children should be crushed and discouraged until they stop fucking annoying you with constant questions"?

The dumb kid who thought a tusk was the club touches the actual club and becomes the new Mightor. Plus the skull comes to life and becomes a raging sabretooth tiger sidekick. I hope it mauls Jan!

It totally makes sense that this new kid gets to be one of the old cartoon characters since all of the old cartoon characters were either white or racist stereotypes. No offense, Hadji!

That's the end of the main story! Next, the readers are introduced to The Impossibles! They learn one of them can control magnetic fields and one of them can turn into more of them and one of them can bounce around and one of them can become really moist. Then they fight a guy who wants to recruit them into FEAR. But they're already working with Deva, Birdfuckingman's manager! So, um, that's that! I guess!

The Ranking!
+1! This issue was either more entertaining than the last few or I found myself more entertaining writing about it. Either way, I had fun reading it! Or writing about it! Whatever!

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