Sunday, October 9, 2016

Wonder Woman #7

Why are Wonder Woman and that guy with the knife attacking Steve Trevor?

The Commentary!
Why are people even watching the presidential debates this year? I mean aside from getting material to write hilarious jokes on Twitter? Especially in this election, you have to already know where you stand. Either you want four years of a terribly hard to cancel version of The Apprentice (with the added potential that if it is cancelled, the evil guy from Stephen King's The Dead Zone will take over), or you're going to vote for a woman more than qualified to do the job and who is no worse, ethically or personally, than any man that was ever voted into the office (probably, in many ways even, a lot better). Of course, if you're undecided at this point and watching the debates, how did you figure out how to turn your television on? I suppose there are also the people who are voting third party or not voting at all. I won't say that's not a valid choice because I once heard Rush say, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." And, I mean, how can you not totally agree with anything Rush says? Especially from their Ayn Rand phase!

But the debates? Why would anybody need to watch an intelligent person who actually has context and information about the kinds of issues that matter in government and foreign relations completely and utterly humiliate a dumbass blowhard? Donald Trump is the type of guy who will say something mean-spirited and when the other person comes back at him with an intelligent, scathing, witty burn, his next tactic is to punch them in the face. He doesn't have the ability to be clever. He isn't smart. He talks like a third grader who has been skipping his speech therapy classes. And who would want to skip early elementary speech therapy class? You got out of regular class to sit in a room with one of your friends while an old man whom you readily accept as an alternate father figure plays word games with you? Best times of my life! I mean, they'd probably have been the best times of Donald Trump's life!

I used to watch Celebrity Apprentice whenever I saw it was on. Not because of Donald Trump. He was the worst part! Just terrible! Awful! (Okay, that's my only Trump-speak moment of this entire blog. It's been done constantly everywhere and I was bound to break down and do it. It's so much fun! The best!) Which is probably why he stopped doing the regular version of the show and eventually just did the celebrity version. The meat of the show was the egos of the celebrities rubbing up against each other. Donald Trump was just the horrible asshole, obviously smelling like rotting carrots and bad cologne, who yelled at them for fifteen minutes at the end of the show while stroking his raging power boner under the table.

If this election were decided on the probable performance of the candidate in office and their intelligence, who would be voting for Trump? Wait. Let me ask that question the proper way: if people had to vote on two candidates who were hidden under sheets with two eye-holes cut out, how would they pick? I mean, what if one of the candidates under the sheet was a woman?! And what if one of those Politi-ghosts wasn't a racist, misogynist white male? It would be just like the government to give us two non-white, non-heterosexual non-males under those ghost costumes! I'm outraged just thinking about how I would choose my next president if I couldn't see that they were a heterosexual white male who is also pretending to be Christian! I'd probably have to vote for a third party ghost candidate who made even less sense than the weird blowhard narcissistic ghost candidate with the power boner.

I should probably stop with the savvy political facts (if you disagreed with anything I said, you're wrong and should probably do some soul-searching to see...oh wait. The people this is meant for left before the third paragraph) since I should probably be discussing Wonder Woman being bisexual. I mean, she's always been bisexual, right? Who didn't already know that? I mean, even Wonder Woman didn't know it since there was no dick on Paradise Island until Steve Trevor's dick showed up and Diana was all, "Oh! This is intriguing!" But I guess it's the kind of thing that needs to be stated on occasion, otherwise the people who have no reading comprehension can still proclaim that Wonder Woman isn't bisexual. I suppose there must have been trans men on Paradise Island, and Wonder Woman may have dated one of them. At least until they were kicked off the Island for being men. Still, that doesn't change my Steve Trevor's dick scenario! Because even though he probably wasn't the first man on Paradise Island, he almost certainly had the first penis.

I was trying to find a way into the comic book but the story wasn't doing it for me. And then Liam Sharp drew the soldier's face in that fifth panel. So perfect.

Wonder Woman and Cheetah rescue a bunch of the kidnapped women and send them off to safety with the soldiers. Then they begin searching for the ritual that will bring Urzkarwhatever to life at the expense of Steve Trevor's. I've always found Steve Trevor particularly boring and Urzkarsomething looks pretty cool, so I'm okay with the trade.

Unfortunately, Wonder Woman stops the ritual and destroys Urzkarblahblah. Then she has a conversation with Trevor that's even more confusing than an interaction written by Keith Giffen.

Why does Wonder Woman answer questions not yet asked? Is Steve asking if everybody has had breakfast? I guess this is good writing because Greg Rucka wrote it and god forbid somebody criticize the great Greg Rucka!

Cheetah pins Cadulo to the ground and everybody in the cavern and everybody reading realize Cadulo just got his ass handed to him by Wonder Woman and Cheetah. Cadulo is the only one who doesn't realize his statement, "Weak. You are both weak, like all women," makes no sense. Unless, of course, he's admitting that all men are weaker than all those weak women since he's a man and was just beaten by two women whose actions he projected onto all of the women so now his defeat should be projected onto all men. Right? Also, I'm realizing this was the perfect comic book to discuss the debate! What synchronicity! What timing! What a third thing that's funny!

Urzkashambles reveals he has yet to be defeated! He still has to punish Wonder Woman for having sex with the woman he eventually wanted to marry. At least that's why I assume he's so angry since Cheetah mentioned earlier that he was upset that her body had been defiled by another's touch before she became Urza's fiance. And it makes sense to express Diana's bisexuality through her having had relationships with men and women since leaving Paradise Island. It's too easy for somebody to argue that she only had sex with women on the island because that was her only choice for intimacy. It just means more if she was in a place where she had her choice and she realized Steve Trevor's dick, no matter how intriguing it might be, didn't exactly fulfill all of her needs.

Wonder Woman realizes that the girls, whom she and Steve made sure had breakfast already, were the means to defeat Urza. They were never his prisoners but his wardens. And so, with the revelation expressed, they destroy the Jungle God and turn him into an umbrella. Or a flamingo croquet mallet. Maybe an orchid?

Anyway, Cheetah turns back into a naked woman and realizes she's been lied to. Just like Wonder Woman! Just like the name of this story! Just like everybody who's been told Wonder Woman isn't heterosexual! Also, I thought that everybody was talking about her being bisexual because it was in this issue. Apparently Greg Rucka just stated it outright outside of the story and now it's officially canon because he said it. So it's no different than how it's always been! She's obviously bisexual but the story has yet to explicitly state it. Forgive me if I wait for the story to say it and not just the writer telling everybody. Big fucking difference, people.

Not that I don't expect Rucka to ignore making it explicit! I'm sure that'll happen soon. It's just I'm annoyed that, once again, people are talking about shit outside of the covers of the comic books as if it were already expressed in the comic book! Fucking spoilers! I wanted to be surprised by Diana's bisexual revelation (that really wouldn't be a revelation to anybody paying actual fucking attention).

The Ranking!
+0! This story is still pretty boring except this half didn't even have Nicola Scott's art to keep me interested.

1 comment:

  1. Actually the bride of Urza was supposed to be a virgin. Barbara was not a virgin when the got the Cheetah powers from the God Killer blade so the plant god is upset. Not sure why the plant god cares about human virginity since it obviously cannot pollinate her and once even gave the cheetah powers to a guy. I guess that means Urza is bi? I dunno. Plants are weird.