Friday, October 7, 2016

Batgirl #3


"Taste my thumb! TASTE IT!"

The Commentary!
• I used to write reviews of Batgirl in the voice of Batgirl writing her diary. I think it's only fair to Batgirl to let her take a stab at writing my diary for Thusday!

Dear Diary,
I have a penis! Look at my penis, Diary! It makes a lot of my decisions! Or stops me from making decisions, even! Basically every decision I make, the first question I have to ask is, "Will there be a possibility that somebody will gaze upon my flaccid member?" If there is then I don't do that thing! I mean, if they were going to look at my erect penis, no problem! It looks good! And, sure, sometimes my flaccid penis looks okay too! It looks normal adult-like! But sometimes, it looks like a little boy's penis! Not that I spend a lot of time looking at little boy penises! But I was a little boy once and sometimes I think my penis forgets that I'm not a little boy anymore! Sometimes it's like, "Here I am naked! Nothing remarkable or unremarkable to see here! Just a guy and his penis!" And then sometimes it's like, "Don't look at me! I look like the statue of David! Why couldn't the ideal flaccid penis size have remained the same as in Greek and Roman times! I'm a monster!" But luckily, this being Thursday, I didn't have to make any decisions like that!

AnySwayze, me and my penis woke up around four in the afternoon. We ate Burgerville for breakfast and then watched American Horror Story Hotel until about eleven at night. At first we were all, "I don't know if I'm going to care for this one. A hotel? Whatever!" And then I was all, "This one might be the best put together AHS series yet! I mean, if you like throats being slashed and butts. I'm pretty sure this season is 50% throats being slashed and 50% butts. It's pretty good!" Then I read a couple of comic books. Then I went to Taco Bell to get dinner because I am a mad nutritious eater. After that, I watched the first episode of Luke Cage and now I have a secret crush on Luke Cage. That motherfucker is one motherfucking charming motherfucker.

That's about all I did so far today! It's now four in the morning and I'm writing a diary entry in the voice of a girl obsessed with the idea that I have a penis. That is all!

• This issue begins with Batgirl knocked the fuck out because she got knocked out by The Moth. Batgirl might be great at kicking ass when she's fighting thugs in Gotham but she's not so great against professional fighters, it seems. I hope no professional fighters ever become Gotham criminals!

• When I use the word "thug", I'm using it in the comic book vernacular. That's a totally acceptable word to use to describe anybody Batgirl is kicking in the face. I am most certainly not using it like conservative politicians and their lackey talking heads use it! You know how they use it! They use it as a synonym for another word that I'm totally not going to type even though to type it in this context where I'm simply discussing it would certainly be appropriate! I'm even going to simply move on to something else before I make a wildly inappropriate joke about it!

• I didn't mean to suggest that I have a joke in mind! I just meant that I write these things in a stream of consciousness fashion and sometimes my unconscious speaks up louder than my conscious and before you know it, I've typed something truly terrible into the commentary! And apparently I love everything I write so much that I never use the backspace key.

• Speaking of the unconscious, I was dreaming last night the way that I dream every night. In my dream, somebody mentioned the word "stairs" in the title of something and I pictured a staircase before realizing that the person meant the word "stares". And in the dream, I thought about how that could happen when I was dreaming and realized that it totally made sense because my unconscious comes up with the dream and then surprises my conscious with it. So it's like my conscious mind is a little kid being read to be my unconscious mind. Then I continued to dream forgetting that I was dreaming.


My friend Paul once knocked himself out jumping off of a train trestle into a river. He almost drowned but was rescued by two teens doing mushrooms who were hanging out on the bank of the river. Afterward, he repeatedly asked me what happened. I was worried he was severely concussed so I asked him, "Do you know who you are?" He answered, "I'm Batman!" That's how I knew he was fine.

• Paul is the friend I mentioned previously who has only ever read three books in his life. Of course, he may have read more since high school. I should ask him! Although if he only read three in school, I can't imagine he really got interested in it afterward!

• Barbara learns that The Moth is deaf which was totally obvious to anybody who read last issue and who has also had an experience in their life where they completely embarrassed themselves by screaming at a deaf person because they were upset that the person wasn't paying any attention to them.

• Two girls come up to Babs after the fight and scream about how cool she was. I guess they love watching people get humiliated in the ring! I know I do!

• Barbara can't remember the fight because she got knocked out and she probably has a concussion. That's kind of how those things work. But apparently, in the world of comic books, she can remember the fight by purposely bypassing her short term memory to check the fight on her long term memory which is totally okay because she has that eidetic memory thing. Yeah, that's how that works! I mean, it might be! What am I? A neurologist? I don't even know how to spell that!


This translation isn't accurate. I don't see any punctuation in that tattoo! Stupid American rules about punctuation and quotation marks!

• For some reason, Batgirl realizes Kai is in danger. I thought he was on an airplane headed for China? I guess Batgirl wasn't knocked out long enough to miss him. I still don't know why she knows he's in danger! Just because The Moth had the same tattoo that the Sailor Geisha had? I guess her realization is better than suddenly seeing a news story on a television set in a department store window that was describing Kai being attacked by ninjas.

• Just as Batgirl surmised, The Moth, dressed up like a ninja, is attacking Kai! Or locked him in a closet, anyway. I guess she just wanted him to miss his flight?

• Batgirl punches The Moth out of a window of the skyscraper. I guess she assumed that The Moth could fly because her name is The Moth. Luckily, her assumption was right and The Moth glides to safety, even if it's by a completely insane circuitous route where she bounces off of a bunch of well-lit windows on her way to the ground.

• Barbara gets annoyed at Kai because he won't tell her that he's really a supervillain. I'm not saying he is one! But Babs only gets angry because he won't admit to being one.

• Batgirl does a lot of thinking in thought bubbles which makes her look way old. Doesn't she know that the cool thing to do is to think in Narration Boxes now? What an old timey loser!

• I actually prefer the thought bubbles. They make more sense. You never get a character using thought bubbles to think, "My name is Barbara Gordon. I'm Batgirl. You might remember me from television and comic books."

• Batgirl figures out what Kai is up to when some guy on the plane to Korea tries to sell her some probiotic additive. She realizes Kai is working with somebody who majored in bioencryption so he must be smuggling information in his gut flora! Or something. It totally made sense to Batgirl when she miraculously made the connections.

• Once in South Korea, Batgirl's first stop is to search The Moth's locker at the gym without a search warrant!


Yeah! What's a stupid blockheaded fighter doing learning science!? So suspicious!

• Batgirl heads over to the other location she was investigating due to the clues she was following so she could solve the mystery. But the only mystery she solves is The Case of the Batgirl Who Fell Into A Trap! But at least one of the Students setting the trap for her tells her where teacher is: Shanghai! But that's where Kai went! OH NO!

The Ranking!
0! I have no feelings at all for this issue. I didn't hate it or like it. I bet if I ran into the wall headfirst and completely forgot about having read it, I wouldn't feel any different than I do right now!

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