Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Action Comics #964


This issue, Superman and Clark Kent fall into a vat of Red Kryptonite!

The Review!
Superman discovers, through the use of alien gadgets that are probably harmful to human cellular structures, that Clark Kent is really just Clark Kent. He's the human version of Superman without any of the super. Pretty much every other detail of his life is the same as Preboot Superman's life as Clark Kent. That would mean that one of the main differences between The New 52 Earth and the Preboot Earth is that New 52 Superman never actually had a secret identity. Which seems weird because why would he pretend he's Clark Kent to the woman who was putting three fingers up his ass as she sucked his cock?

You know what? I could go on like this for pages (theoretical pages since this is the Internet) pointing out all the ways that it doesn't make sense. Or I can just accept Clark Kent's story at face value! This Earth had a Clark Kent and a Superman who looked exactly alike and had the same fingerprints. I suppose I can believe that Superman was pretending to be Clark Kent for five years while Clark Kent vacationed in the Colorado mountains and Superman was simply lying to everybody about everything. I suppose it's not that hard to realize this is Dan Jurgen's way of offering the audience a premise that blatantly makes Scott Lobdell's run on Superman broken which means it can be thrown out entirely! The Rebirth version of New 52 Superman simply wasn't Clark Kent and that's that.

At least now when Clark Kent writes editorials where he completely sucks Superman's dick, it's less awkward than when Superman was actually writing those articles about himself. Although if Clark Kent isn't Superman, who the fuck cares about him? He can fuck off completely! Especially since Clark Smith has an interview with a local paper in Hamilton County! Although I'm now looking forward to the comic book "Superman's Pal Clark Kent's Pal Jimmy Olsen!"

After discovering the "truth" and returning Clark Kent to Metropolis, Superman discovers the Geneticron building has disappeared. Probably because it had all of the evidence that Clark Kent is actually a clone that somehow only retained the Clark Kent memories. Superman did get some information that Geneticron not only had the Doomsday clone that was released on Metropolis, it also had another unidentified body. That was probably released that day as well so it could get the scoop on the Doomsday story.

The issue ends with some guy in a red cap returning to his hotel room where he's living with a miniature version of Apokolips with a Superman tattoo on its chest. The guy in the red cap tells his roommate, Apokolips, "The only answer is death!" It looks like he's going to be an annoying twat in an upcoming issue.

The Ranking
0! Hey DC! Just let all of the bullshit be true because nobody wants a Clark Kent clone running around the DC Universe. Remember what happened to Spider-man when his comic book decided clones were a good answer to every fucking mystery? I don't really remember but I don't think it was great. Maybe that's why you had Geneticron disappear! Just get the one perfect clone and get rid of the process so hack writers can't use it to solve all of their plot problems.

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