Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Blue Beetle #1

Doesn't this comic book just scream, "Hey middle-aged mom wet for every shirtless high school baseball player she happens to run into hanging around the showers at the local high school, this comic book looks like a lot of fun for your stupid kid you wish you'd never had!"?

The Commentary!
• Blue Beetle is one of those stupid super hero names that were thought up back when people had no imagination. Every character from back then has a name that sounds like a fifth grader came up with it playing Mad Libs. No wait. If that were true, he'd be Fart Crab, or Booby Louse. I probably should have said second grader. Although I wonder how Blue Beetle got past the editor? Shouldn't the editor have been all, "Blue Beetle, hanh? Blue Beetle! Who do you think reads our funny books, hanh? Entomologists?! How them kids gonna know Blue Beetle is a man, see? They're going to think he's a beetle, ya fool! Change the name to...let's see...Beetle Man! Yeah! That's it! Beetle Man! Top notch! That's a book that'll sell like flapjacks!" Then he would have walked off puffing on a cigar to go dive in a pile of money.

• This issue is called "Deja Blue" because that's word play! But just in case it's a bit too foreign for some readers, the entire phrase is written out as "Deja Vu" and then the "Vu" is crossed out with a red X and the word "Blue" is written underneath. I don't know if that's supposed to be a cutesy touch or if the final print for this book got one last edit.

• I don't really remember how Rebirth ended and I'm not sure if it really matters. But this issue begins with the visuals showing Doctor Fate battling a huge azure insect in what looks like Ancient Egypt. Over the top of the battle is one of those banter sessions Keith Giffen's character love to engage in. This session is between Jaime and Brenda. Unless it's Ted Kord and Brenda. It's hard to tell because all of Keith Giffen's characters talk the same way. But the Blue Beetle half of the discussion makes a really lame Ted Kord joke on the first page about Brenda's nose not being an ear, so it seems like Ted. But then why is Ted hanging out with Brenda? Plus then Brenda quips back (since every other response by every other character in a Keith Giffen Dialogue is a "quip") at Blue Beetle, "How's that G.E.D. coming along?" Which sounds like something she'd definitely say to Jaime and probably not say to the billionaire inventor. Although his jokes are about equivalent to questions on a G.E.D.

• Every adult citizen of America should have to take the G.E.D. Then their scores should always be linked to all of their online identities. That way when somebody corrects me on something stupid I said for a joke, I could look at their shitty scores and think righteously to myself, "There's no way you knew that before Googling it and you've probably already forgotten it, you ass-toothed clown." Although then the Internet would be full of Hot Takes about how the tests don't measure anything substantive, really. Of course, those Hot Takes would be by know-nothings who completely flopped the stupid test because they rely on their cell phone to answer any questions that might come up which have nothing to do with themselves.

• I don't even give a shit about how well people do on things like standardized tests. One of the wittiest guys I know has only ever read three books in his life: Where the Red Fern Grows, McMahon!: The Bare Truth About Chicago's Brashest Bear, and Rambo: First Blood. He's a hilarious guy but he'd tank a G.E.D. And let's face it, all of you Mensa people! You're really just an organization of pretentious assholes who all think alike and needed some kind of official seal for your obnoxious personality!

• Um, you know, no offense, people of Mensa! Don't get your bow ties in a twist!

• Oh! So on the second page, Brenda asks Jaime, "So, was Doctor Fate in it again?" So Jaime is telling Brenda a dream! I don't have to remember what happened at the end of Rebirth to understand why this issue began like it did! Whew. My memory isn't bad enough to justify how weirdly panicked I was getting!

Why does he need to know Doctor Fate to dream about him? I dream about having sex with all sorts of people I don't actually know!

• What's up with Brenda?! She's totally not super hot like she's always been previously! She's skinny and spotty and actually looks like a kid in high school! How am I supposed to have a fantasy crush on that?! Ugh! Goodbye, Brenda! Welcome back to my dreams, Vampire Tig!

• Today at Goofball High where nobody says anything in a clear and concise way and everybody is constantly insulting the other person, it's Career Day! And speaking at Career Day is Ted Kord! He's a really great lecturer! He says stuff like, "There is no such thing as a bad idea, if you could prove the idea wasn't stupid." He didn't say it exactly like that but I think I nailed the idiotic flavor of the quote.

This third wheel is Paco. He's the only person in the Blue Beetle Universe who can't get a handle on the quick banter. I don't know who the brunette is longing to be a part of their hilarious group.

• Ted Kord's partner is Teri Magnus so she obviously has a couple of Responsometers shoved up her vagina. And a twin brother named Terry! His Responsometers are up his asshole. I suppose Teri's might be too. Who am I to judge where she likes to shove her Responsometers?

• Ted Kord has been doing some investigating because he's basically Green Arrow-lite who is basically Batman-lite and I'm sure he'd love to become the World's Greatest Wanna-be Detective. But because he has a heart problem, he needed to stop by the school to pick up Jaime to do all of the superhero work that the investigating will surely lead to. So they go out in the Bug to begin fighting crime together. After the bantering, of course. Always with the Goddamned bantering.

• At the scene of the place where the clues can be found, Blue Beetle gets in a battle outside of a bottle with a shadow creature.

Hopefully by mentioning Nightshade, it means she'll be appearing later, right? Or is Ted just going to constantly refer to his Post-Crisis days before he got fat, developed a heart problem, and was shot in the face?

• Blue Beetle battles Blot while being belittled by Ted Kord. He eventually defeats him and that's when Posse shows up. They're Blot's friends and they're the local gang who apparently aren't quite bad but aren't altogether good either. Like a local Justice League but with more petty theft and fronting. Blot's parents have been kidnapped which is why he was flipping the fuck out. I guess Blue Beetle will be working with Posse next issue. I also hope Keith Giffen works on his material next issue. He loves to use the same jokes over and over, so much so that he has two different characters say the exact same thing this issue.

If it wasn't for Giffen's penchant for repetition, I might suspect Brenda was Red Electricity Head.

The Ranking!
0! It's not bad! It's just a Keith Giffen comic book. If somebody said, "Hey! I have this comic book!", you probably wouldn't know what to expect. It could be anything! But if somebody said, "Hey! I have this Keith Giffen comic book!", you'd probably have to ask, "Written by, drawn by, or both?" After they answered "Written by!", you'd be all, "Oh, yeah. Totally know what to expect!" Also if that person had said "Drawn by!", you'd also know what to expect. Nine by nine panels and people with sort of long faces and half-closed eyes.

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