Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Death of Hawkman #1


Featuring Adam Strange?! Deal!

The Commentary!
• I can't wait until this comic book ends! Not because I hate Hawkman! Because the title indicates that at the end of this comic book, Hawkman will die and I hate Hawkman! It's a subtle difference.

• Here's another thing I don't exactly hate but I certainly don't care much about: the relationship between Rann and Thanagar! I've had enough space pulp fiction this year thanks to Cullen Bunn's Aquaman. If that statement makes your head hurt, complain to that jerk Colon Bunn! And his stupid editor, Brian Cuntingham.

• Ho boy! The DC You Aquaman retooling was terrible! So awful! Criminal almost! I'm talking to a lawyer about a lawsuit! I mean, if I buy a comic book with Aquaman on the cover, I expect a useless idiot talking to fish and fighting for ocean rights! But what did I get with Bunn's Aquaman?! An Aquaman with every super power you can think of and traveling to another planet with lots of Swords and Sorcery bullshit thrown in! Plus his new costume made him look like he was suffering from priapism! Half the time I was reading the comic book, I kept thinking, "Is he going to fight that alien barbarian or fuck him?!"

• The story begins with Hawkman and Adam Strange in the thick of battle! Or just after the thick of battle, anyway. So, you know, it starts in a lull in the action with Hawkman and Adam Strange skulking in debris. Adam Strange mentions this battle began a few weeks ago so I hope this comic book doesn't suddenly go, "A few weeks ago!" Just once, I'd like to read a comic book that begins in the middle of the action and just fucking stays there!

• I noticed the first couple episodes of Luke Cage began like that. They definitely want you to know you're watching a comic book!


Goddammit!

• The story actually begins in the DMV which is at least a little bit more exciting than beginning with Hawkman. At least in the DMV, I'm prepared for interesting characters conquering the mundane battles of a weary world one form at a time! I suppose beginning with Hawkman doesn't mean that's not something that can happen. It just means that instead of thinking about how we're all constant heroes by facing the hardships of adulthood in a society that desperately hates the idea of individuality, I'll be thinking, "Hawkman sucks!"

• Speaking of Hawkman, where the hell is he? This comic book is about his death! You'd think he'd be in the stupid thing for more then three pages! Let me skip ahead a bit while Adam Strange is having trouble with the Zeta Beam and see when he gets back into the story. Ten pages...twelve...sixteen...twenty...oh man. Hawkman isn't even in the rest of this thing! No wonder somebody forced somebody else to put "Featuring Adam Strange" on the cover! Otherwise they might have thought this was a Hawkman comic book! I mean, I'm sure they still thought it was a Hawkman comic book and not an Adam Strange comic book. But it's totally an Adam Strange comic book! Instead of "Featuring Adam Strange", it would have been more honest to put, above "Death of Hawkman", "Adam Strange in..."!

• I think I might have another lawsuit! I'm going to call my pretend lawyer!

• Yes! My pretend lawyer says he thinks we have a case! He seemed a little perturbed that I didn't want to sue for money. If I win, I get to put my scrotum in Dan Didio's mouth for fifteen seconds!

• Luckily Adam Strange's Zeta Beam didn't work because moments after not appearing in front of Alanna and her father, two Thanagarians walk into the lab and say, "Excuse me, do you serve Birdmen here?" Also they ignite the bombs on their chests and blow everything up. Including Alanna and her father. Although probably not.

• How embarrassing would it be to blow yourself up with another guy and then later when you appear in heaven, you go to high-five each other and realize the people you blew up aren't there in heaven with you! Or would it be more embarrassing to high-five in front of the people you just killed? That's kind of tacky, right?


Is this canon?!

• After the DMV and missing his ride to Rann, Adam Strange consults books and maps and does math as he tries to figure out how to get back to Rann. It's so exciting! Who wouldn't have decided the best option when telling this story wasn't to keep telling the story about the battle of Rann but to go back in time when Adam Strange was lost and had to look for directions back home! What a smart choice, Marc Andreyko!

• Adam can't figure out that map I scanned earlier. I guess it has too much information for him to process. So he takes it to Cyborg aboard the Justice League Watchtower. Who gave him a Justice League Identity Card and Teleport Key?!

• Apparently Adam needed to visit those five cities minus New York which makes it four cities so shut up. That's why he needed Cyborg's help! Cyborg, excited to be of some use to some member of the Justice League (even if it's Adam Strange of Justice League Canada), steps up and does the heroic thing! He operates the teleporter! Way to go, Cyborg! That's some of the best work you've done in years!

• Adam flashes his Justice League Identity Card to guards at all the locations he visits (WayneTech, LexCorps, Ferris Air, and Belle Reve) and they all let him in. Nobody says, "We haven't seen your stupid Zeta beam here!" Nobody says, "Get the fuck out! Justice League Canada! Ha ha!" Nobody says, "What's Batman really like?" It's all so unbelievable!

• Adam Strange is on the most boring adventure I've ever read in a comic book. I have to find my "This is totally unbelievable!" moments even in mundane bullshit like this!

• At Belle Reve, Adam asks if any prisoners have disappeared. You know, because of the Zeta Beam misfire! The guards assure him that nobody is missing as they walk by a cell with the name Despero on it. It's in the stasis wing where prisoners are kept in stasis (how is that for an unnecessary explanation?!) if you were wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK IS DESPERO DOING IN A CELL IN BELLE REVE?! HOLY SHIT! OH WAIT! WHY AM I GETTING SO EXCITED OVER A COMIC BOOK?!" I know, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, that that's a clue! The Zeta Beam must have grabbed Despero! Also, um, Despero is on the cover looking prison-escape smug!

• If Despero is missing from Belle Reve, that means other things from the other locations are probably missing too! So maybe Adam Strange and Hawkman will find a WayneTech accountant on Rann who will help them with a numbers puzzle! And then they'll run into a LexCorps Bizarro janitor who has some kind of deadly laser mop that will help them defeat a monster! And then they'll find Carol Ferris's underwear in a tree which they'll have to sniff because they're only human. Oh, and Thanagarian!

• Eventually, through no actions of his own, Adam is picked up by the Zeta Beam and returns to Rann to find it destroyed!


This is an unfortunate place to cut off Adam's statement. I mean, unfortunate in that I didn't feel like being aroused right now!

The Ranking!
-10! Okay, I guess that's a little harsh. For a comic book where Adam Strange goes to the DMV and then visits a few places on Earth and does nothing to solve the mystery or advance the plot in any way, it wasn't that bad! I mean, the comic is called Death of Hawkman! Somebody made that choice so I don't feel bad ranking that choice quite poorly. When you see the phrase "Death of Hawkman," you immediately think of Thanagarian space battles and hard, well-oiled pectoral muscles, and veiny, throbbing wings, and epic space battles with lasers, and racism! You don't think "Adam Strange having the most boring day ever!" I mean, that's reason enough to rank this comic book like shit! Even though, I mean, Adam Strange's boring day wasn't that terrible a read. If this had been called A Regular Day in the Life of Adam Strange (on Earth Without His Laser or Space Adventures, Just So You Know What You're Getting Into), I probably would have given it a +1!

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