Friday, October 28, 2016

The Flash #8

This is how toddlers stand when they're pooping themselves.

I had a dream last night that I was putting together a Peter Sellers/Inspector Clouseau tribute band called Dead Ant. The singer I was trying to lure into the band suggested the name and it was the greatest A-ha! moment I've ever experienced. I hate to include that part because it feels like somebody else came up with the name even though that somebody was created by my brain which thought up the name. Another band somehow associated with the dream was called Mad Mechs.

This issue begins with Barry Allen remembering a conversation he had during lunch with August Heart where August was all, "If I had your speed powers, I'd probably kill the bad guys and get away with it!" This conversation took place after Barry knew August Heart had manifested speed powers. Barry Allen is the worst investigator in the world! Hell, I knew August Heart was the bad guy as soon as I learned his name was August Heart! Also he was introduced as having a huge vengeance boner for the killer of his brother. That's always bad news! But he practically confesses to Barry and Barry is all, "Mmm, this shake sure is thick! So good!"

Now, The Flash is trying to stop Godspeed from killing all of the prisoners in Iron Heights. But The Flash is too slow! Oh no! Drama! The one thing that makes The Flash interesting suddenly has no impact on the story! Now he's got to use his brain to figure out how to stop Godspeed! But how will that work? He can't call for back-up because everybody will be dead before the message even arrives! Maybe he can fire a gun at Godspeed as they're both running and the bullet will be able to overtake Godspeed! Or maybe he can go back in time so that he's waiting for Godspeed at the prison! Or maybe he can yell, "Oh no! I totally tripped! I'm not chasing you any more so you can totally slow down if you want so that you conserve energy!" Oh! I know what I would do! I would definitely use time travel to go back to however long before this moment it takes for Ex-Lax to kick in and stick some in August Heart's lunch! I bet you can't run at top speed while shitting yourself!

Here's Barry's take on the situation: "I can't outrun Godspeed...but I can outsmart him!" Oh, can you? I'd like to see how you do that without pulling the Ex-Lax trick! Maybe he will use the fake tripping scheme I came up with!

Barry outsmarts Godspeed by drafting him to catch up. So dumb! How does drafting work when just running at the speeds they're running they're breaking every single law of physics in the known universe? If I'm to believe that using the Speed Force still creates the same kind of wake behind a runner as a race car then I also have to believe that the atmosphere in front of a speedster isn't able to displace itself fast enough and would build up into incredible pressures causing intense heat which would make every speedster into a fireball racing through the city. But just catching up to Godspeed by drafting him isn't the only trick in Barry's book! The other trick is to scrape his feet along the carpet and build up some static electricity so that when he touches Godspeed's shoulder, both speedsters will short-circuit!

Oh, fuck you. Just run faster.

Remember when The Flash was just about running really fast and wasn't also an analogy on batteries and electrical systems?! Maybe The Flash should change his name to The Human Defibrillator?

Godspeed is aghast that Barry would hurt a friend and Barry figures there isn't enough time right now to bring up all of the "friends" Godspeed has killed in his pursuit of more power. Instead, Barry just watches as Godspeed turns into two separate people because speed force powers weren't already ridiculous enough. I guess if you're fast enough, you can just become two people now! Totally makes sense.

Luckily Wally West shows up. Unluckily, Wally West didn't bring a gun.

It turns out Flash and Kid Flash don't need a gun because they're faster than Godspeed and Kid Godspeed. They run around the Godspeeds really fast until Wally West gets a stupid uniform and the fight is over for some reason. I guess Flash outsmarted me too! What just happened?!

Apparently Wally earned his ugly yellow Flash suit by, um, using the speed force correctly or something. Anyway, Godspeed is sent to Iron Heights where he'll probably never go to trial because the guards at Iron Heights trust that The Flash would only bring them people who were totally guilty of whatever The Flash said they were guilty of.

Barry goes to see August in prison a few days later to hit him with a super shocker: Billy Parks didn't kill August's brother. August--GASP--killed an innocent man in his zealous pursuit of justice! August looks upset for one panel and then just goes back to being fine with everything because he's a supervillain. Also because he can be in two places at once. So while he's in prison, he's probably also out of prison. I know we're supposed to believe that he can't do the two places at once thing for long but he's probably mastered it by now. So his other self has probably taken over the Black Hole Gang and he'll return in another few months to bore the fuck out of me again.

The epitome of shitty cop work: bragging about ignoring the evidence in favor of making assumptions about possible suspects and jumping to unsupported conclusions.

Later, Wally tells Iris that she's his hero because we're all supposed to accept that she's a crazy great investigative journalist who wants to help people by discovering the truth instead of relying on the evidence from past issues that she's really just into selling papers. I mean, that whole time she helped turn the citizens against The Flash with her unsubstantiated stories of rumor and cop gossip? I suppose that was Pre-Rebirth Iris and I should cut her some slack. Maybe she will prove to be a shining beacon on a hill of decaying corpses and dog shit that is journalism today.

The issue ends with Meena running into Flash's training facility and whispering "Thank you" into Barry's ear (and probably blowing out his eardrums too). Barry doesn't catch sight of her but she leaves gouges in the floor and all of that shitty lightning that apparently has to surround speedsters constantly now.

The Ranking!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)
5. The Flash (*)

The Flash is terrible and boring. This was eight issues of The Flash learning a lesson about needing a sidekick. In other words, the first eight issues have been used to integrate Wally West into the world of The Flash because DC Comics decided five years ago that Wally West shouldn't exist and then they rethought that because people got so angry and they reintroduced a new Wally West which didn't make anybody any happier and who never really fit into the Flash's world. So now that this story is over, DC Comics is probably patting themselves on the back and thinking, "Finally! All of the Wally West nonsense is sorted!" Except I guess it isn't because the next issue is about "The Wally of Two Worlds" which will probably be about how Wally West and Wally West need to get to know each other. Hopefully original Wally West will just say, "Do we really need you?" And then new Wally West will pop out of existence. Not that I really care! But DC Comics definitely cares! They just don't know it yet. But pretty soon some higher up who isn't that creative will enter a meeting saying, "What's with the two Wally Wests? Isn't that confusing for fans? Here's an idea that can sort that!" And he'll write "CRISIS ON INFINITE CENTRAL CITIES" on the white board and smile smugly.

No comments:

Post a Comment