Sunday, October 16, 2016

Aquaman #8

Dammit! I forgot to photoshop a long, stringy fish poop coming out of Aquaman's butt!

The Commentary!
This issue begins strangely enough that I had to put it down for a few seconds. Thankfully taking that momentary respite helped me clear my head and I quickly realized what was happening. See, the first page of this issue has a woman with a drop cloth on her head and huge baggy sleeves standing in front of an upside down tower called the Tower of Widowhood. Her outfit is bizarre! The drop cloth on her head with the pull ropes probably serves some function but the huge, baggy sleeves? How do those function underwater? Shouldn't they be floating all around her face and getting in the way? Oh! They're probably weighted, right? I bet a lot of Atlantean clothing is weighted in the hems. Otherwise everybody in a dress would be walking around like Marilyn Monroe in that movie where you almost get to see her vagina!

I was thinking about starting a line of motivational YOLO posters. They would all have a black border around a picture with big white block letters in the lower band of black that read YOLO. The images on the first two posters would be the picture of Marilyn Monroe found dead in her bed and the picture of James Dean's crashed car. I'm not sure how they would be motivational but then I can't be responsible for every little thing! I'm the idea person! I need somebody else to deal with the spin, the angry reaction, the fallout, and procuring the papers for my eventual change of identity!

Before headphones and reading books were invented, this was a woman's go-to universal sign for "Leave me alone."

Oh! Before I got sidetracked, I was going to point out how I realized this first page was the beginning of the ritual to determine if Mera's vagina is good enough for the King's Penis. How could it not be?! Mera manipulates water! Imagine what she could do to a man's prostate with her super powers!

So Mera has to attend a secret meeting of elderly Atlantean widows to prove her worth. I bet there aren't any rituals at all! I bet they just go into the Tower of Widowhood, where men aren't allowed, and just talk shit about all the patriarchal fuckery that takes place in the kingdom. The Widows will probably serve tea and biscuits and tell Mera if she ever has an issue with Arthur, she can go to them and they'll create trouble for the king. Not young people trouble like vandalism and violence. Old people trouble like crashing their giant seahorses into the front window of convenience stores and "accidentally" urinating in public, preferably around the King's Palace. Eventually a widow close to the King, probably some kind of adviser or seer, will point out that all of his troubles began when he refused to let Mera do something, or treated her poorly, or wasn't satisfying her needs. Then he'll change his behavior and suddenly all of the old women will revert back to being decent, continent citizens.

Meanwhile, some rough beast stomps toward Atlantis to remind people that it was once born.

Aquaman tries communicating with the monstrosity using his fish talking super powers for the first time in many, many months. The creature punches him in the face. I think either Aquaman is out of practice and said something rude, or the beast is from Krypton and is just saying hello.

The monster takes damage from the Atlantean's laser guns but only the first time. After that, it's immune to them. Then it gets stabbed by Aquaman's trident but just once before it's immune to it. Oh! Oh! I know what this disgusting brown sludge covered in seaweed is! It must be Doomsday's poo!

While Aquaman is being killed, Mera is failing her Royal Wifely Duty Classes.

The real test is whether or not Mera finds saving her husband's life more important than some stodgy old traditions. My guess is she rushes out to save Aquaman and forfeits the marriage. That way, DC Comics has a plot driven reason for keeping the two unwed. And neither one will care because they'll be all, "We really love each other and we don't have to prove that to anybody!" Too bad. I wanted Mera to have an army of widows at her command.

After all of the mud and seaweed are knocked off the monster attacking Atlantis, Aquaman realizes it's The Shaggy Man. Yep. That's one of Amazo's robots! I think. It has all the same properties as Doomsday but it doesn't need to die after every injury to overcome the method of attack. Come to think of it, The Shaggy Man may as well have killed Superman! That probably would have made a better story than some unknown alien from space who just looks cool and has an apocalyptic name.

I bet The Shaggy Man has never been defeated by a giant hand of water stroking him off after which he'd fall into a deep sleep, right? Or is that how they captured him last time? Maybe Mera can do that prostate thing I mentioned earlier?

The Shaggy Man is headed for Amnesty Bay and Atlantis just happens to be in its path. So while Aquaman was just sort of casually concerned before that it might destroy Atlantis, he's suddenly terrified when he learns it might destroy the town where his dog is living! I bet Arthur defeats it by impaling it on his lighthouse. That's not a euphemism. Unless it got you excited reading it. Then I guess it's an inadvertent euphemism and you can jerk to it if you want.

The Ranking!
+0! I think with this biweekly schedule, every so often a writer just has to present a story that's mostly a fist fight with no real plot progression. That's going to get old quick, especially when they all take place about the same time as seems to be happening the last few weeks.

No comments:

Post a Comment