Thursday, October 27, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #6

Hal Jordan pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

I considered trying to be more earnest while discussing the comic books I read because does the world really need another cynical voice to add to the cacophony? Sure, my cynical voice is the best cynical voice when it comes to comic books and putting your penis inside of things (that's a different blog! A secret blog!). Although it's a written cynical voice so technically, in this day and age, it isn't even better than even the most boring voice posting YouTube videos about the stupid comic books somebody jerked off on earlier in the day. Plus, whenever I see anybody raving about how awesome a terrible or mediocre comic book was, I involuntary start making the international sign for jerking off. Sometimes with both hands. I realize that too many earnest voices want to somehow ingratiate themselves into the professional comic book community by putting up videos where they show the comic book they read and then measure the erection it gave them (or the amount of vaginal juices it got flowing. I'm not sexist! I mean, I probably am. But right now I'm pretending I'm not!). People get so excited when a professional comments on the undeserved glowing review they may have given them. I'll tell you what I felt when I first realized comic book professionals knew about my blog: fucking terrified! I was all, "Wait. These are real people who actually search the Internet for comments about their work?! What are they? Masochists?!" And then my next thought was, "Oh shit. Most of them won't feel good about what I've written! Especially Cullen Bunn!" I didn't really mind if it hurt their feelings. I did mind that they might respond in a way that hurt my feelings! So, you know, maybe I should be nicer? And more earnest! Really get into a mindset where I feel the comic books are speaking to my sense of wonder and hope! Except, since those are dead, I realized fairly quickly that it just wouldn't be possible.

In other words, Robert Venditti's mother? If you're reading this? You probably shouldn't. I might not say any terrible things about your son! But it's also possible that I might say the most terrible things about him! Sorry!

Currently, John Stewart is ready to wage war on Sinestro's Warworld. Already, I can see the flaw in that plan! One side seems a whole lot more ready to fight a war than the other! You can probably figure it out if you think about it a little bit. Also, John Stewart isn't really known for winning wars. He's more known for committing genocide and failing himself over and over again.

Also waging war on Warworld? Hal Jordan and his army of light constructs! Now there's a guy who might possibly be stubborn enough to defeat Warworld single-handed.

Sinestro has to remove his dick from the Book of Parallax and turn his attention to Hal Jordan's attack. Lyssa is all, "The Book of Parallax told me I wouldn't be reaching climax tonight! Why did I even bother?! Oh, that's right. Because the Book of Parallax said I would! And then it said I would grumble about it! And then it said I would say how I said it said I would say it said I would grumble about it saying the thing it said I would say! Somebody kill me!" But Sinestro is all, "Darn it! It's my best friend and worst enemy! Hal Stupidface Jordan! That can mean only one thing: I'm about to be utterly humiliated! Again!"

If a woman ever said "What purpose would you have me serve, my lord?", I would say, "Hee hee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" There's probably a reason I'm a virgin.

That last caption was fictional! It was just a joke! I've totally done it with at least two ladies! Possibly even three!

While Sinestro tries to shake the last of the semen out of his penis before putting on his uniform (otherwise he'll wind up with a sticky, slippery patch that smells like a blooming Callery Pear tree), Lyssa heads down to the Fear Engine to make sure it's pumping out enough fear to beat Hal Jordan. While down there, Guy Gardner gets a glimpse of her Parallaxes and hits on her. He uses words to hit on her but he's also hanging there naked, so I'm sure Lyssa would have noticed other clues as to Guy's interest in her.

I had to ask Lord Google for the name of the trees that smell like semen for that last paragraph. I first noticed the smell in my home town when I was in my late teens or early twenties. A neighbor had three of them growing on the patch of ground between the sidewalk and the street. I started referring to them as the semen trees. So when I asked Lord Google about the "trees that smell like semen," Lord Google responded with these great headlines from around the Internet: "Your Street Probably Smells Like Semen Right Now," "Meet the tree that's making your neighborhood smell like Semenville," "Spring is here! And so are the semen trees," and "the blooming of the jizz trees." I feel so much better knowing that everybody is walking around with the realization that trees are spooging all over their faces.

Here is a David Mitchell and Robert Webb skit about semen trees!

Guy Gardner is baptised in fear and shoved inside the Fear Machine. The reason is that Lyssa and the Administrator believe the fear of a Green Lantern will make it all the more powerful. But I have a feeling they're simply putting a wrench right up inside next to the most sensitive gears and whatnot. It might be different if they were powering an Asshole Machine or an Arrogance Machine or a Male Chauvinist Pig Machine. I don't see how Guy Gardner is going to help fuel a Fear Machine!

The Fear Engine powers up Sinestro to 1000%. That's a lot of percents! He then sends the rest of his army off to watch the battle between him and Hal Jordan. I don't get it! Sinestro always loses to Hal Jordan! Every single time! Doesn't he remember all of his humiliating defeats at Hal's hands? Why would he risk another one?! Just let your army defeat Hal as you take pot shots with your 1000% powered ring from the sidelines, Sinestro! Don't be a huge dum-dum! Bah. Oh well. Sinestro is sure to lose now. He might get close to defeating Hal but then Guy will probably rebel and screw up the Fear Machine and John Stewart will arrive with Mogo and the other Lanterns and the posse of intergalactic citizens. It's all going to fall apart! I mean, of course it is! You can't write a story that contradicts age old wisdom like "Pride Goeth Before Offal!"

The Rankings!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)

It's going to start getting hard to really rank the comic books as I read them. Is this comic book really better than Suicide Squad? It's a tough call although Suicide Squad is basically a twelve page comic book while this one is more or less twenty pages. So it's doing more work and maintaining a coherent story while doing so. It probably has too many characters but when has that ever not been true for a comic book with "Green Lantern Corps" in its title? But both comics are doing things I like and also doing some things that bore the shit out of me. By the time the rankings are fully filled out, I imagine this comic will be right smack dab in the middle, maybe a little bit on the better than most side.

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