Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book One

Yes! A lusty Gothic romance!

The Commentary!
• I only purchased this comic book because it looks like it contains scenes of boinking.

• I was wondering if the kids still use the cool slang like "boinking" so I checked with Urban Dictionary. The main definition says it's a word your parents use. I'm assuming a young person wrote that entry since it's Urban Dictionary and since my parents, who are in their sixties, used the word "fucking." But then they were teenagers in the sixties and grew up in the seventies. Shit was raw back then! "To Boink" sounds like an 80s television reference to fucking since Alex P. Keaton needed a word to describe what he didn't want his sister doing! Alex's parents were hippies so they probably fucked all over the house. And since today's young people's parents grew up in the 80s, they probably did boink! Could it be Urban Dictionary has a crack staff of researchers and copy editors making sure all of their definitions make sense?!

• Although why couldn't television characters in the 80s say fucking? Mike Seaver's friend on Growing Pains was named Boner! Which is why I couldn't watch that show. I mean, come on! "Growing Pains." "Boner." I was hoping to come up with more evidence but that's all I have!

• While looking up how to spell the Seaver family name online, I found an online New York Post article about the death of the actor who played Boner. This was the headline: "'Boner' Found Dead in Canada". Seriously, guys? I mean...seriously? They even caption one of the photos as "Gorwing Pains". Although thanks to the article, I just discovered Boner was Star Trek's Chekov's son. It's possible I knew that at an earlier point in my life. That's the kind of information my brain, thankfully, knows it doesn't need to retain.

• Hopefully that won't be the last time I discuss a boner in this commentary! I mean, this comic book is called "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love"! That at least hints at some serious sodomy!

• I wonder how quickly I'll regret my excitement over sexy time forbidden love when it turns out the story is about incest and sexual assault! I'll especially regret my excitement if the sex scenes aren't explicit!

• I probably won't be scanning any of the art because this is one of those prestige format books and I'll have to break the spine to get a good scan. Although if the sex scenes are any good, I'm willing to destroy my copy of this comic book for digital scans to add to my research library.

• A woman named Berenice has moved into a haunted house with her manpumpkin, Nathan. Was that Halloweeny enough? I figure I should make my commentaries extra spooky this month! Anyway, Berenice is psychic so she notices Deadman hanging about her house trying to solve the mystery of the Forbidden Love.

• Nathan is a writer trying to finish a book who has suddenly found himself in a large, empty, haunted hotel. I mean manskeleton. I mean mansion! But that was scary, right? You didn't expect the skeleton! Boo!

• Nathan keeps getting possessed by the bad ghost that lives in the house. Deadman is trying to help the good ghost who lives in the house. And Berenice is desperately pretending that she isn't falling out of love with Nathan and totally wants to bone Sam, the neighbor, while the ghosts watch.

• I haven't mentioned Sam because I wanted the reveal of the antagonist to be a surprise! You see, Sam couldn't be possessed by Deadman. That means Sam is either the bad guy or the ghost of the secret forbidden lover. He's probably a ghost! I mean she's a ghost! Maybe that's the forbidden love! Sam, who was probably born Samantha, was in love with the woman in the white dress whose portrait is over the fireplace! But the Woman in the White Dress's husband was all, "No no no! Nope! Unh-uh! No way! Not on my watch! Unless...I mean...can I watch?" Then he killed Sam and the Woman in the White Dress.

• It's also possible that Sam is real and that thing about boning the neighbor is where this story is going. You see, the ghostly activity only just began, even though Berenice and Nathan have been in the house for a few months. That's probably because Berenice has just realized she wants Sam's thighs wrapped around her face while Nathan just fucks off with his stupid book that probably isn't even scary or sexy anyway. So the ghost that died of a broken heart is all, "No way! No true love is going to happen in my house! Especially between two women! Unless, you know, I can watch?"

• While Sam and Berenice are talking about paintings (which I wish was a euphemism for doing it), Deadman enters the room and gets into a fist fight with the real ghost. It's at that point when the story enters Chapter Two! What's so special about Chapter Two? The narrator changes from Berenice to Deadman! Wow. A writer who actually knows how to tell a story!

• Deadman possesses Berenice again so that he can use her to open a door he's having trouble phasing through. While he's inside of her, he gets to experience one of her memories (this happened earlier as well but I didn't comment on it. What am I supposed to do? Just retell the entire story but worse and without pictures?!).

*GASP!* Forbidden love!

• Sam begins to worry about Berenice acting strangely because LOOK OUT! WITCHES! Deadman is making her run all over the house looking for the other ghost. When Sam grabs Berenice's hand, it forces Deadman out of her body. And then they almost kiss! Forbidden Love!

• It's probably too early to call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader but I'm definitely preparing for the moment.

• Berenice asks Sam to leave before they wind up Forbidden Loving all over the house. Afterward, she decides to yell at Deadman for making things weird. What if Sam never wants to talk to her again because she was acting like a nutcase? Oh wait. Nutcase is probably offensive. Um, how about, "Because she was acting like a spaz"? Much better!

• Berenice is also upset that Boston keeps entering her without her consent. He goes all bro-douche on her and is all, "But what if I can't give consent and I totally need to enter somebody?! How fair is that to me?!" And she's all, "Ick! Gross!" So Boston gives up on possessing people for this adventure since he doesn't want to seem like a jerk. Besides, he can talk to Berenice and get her to do all the things he'd do on his own if he were inside of her.

• Berenice and Boston discover a ring owned by the Woman in the White Dress. They also discover her name is Adelia Ruskin. After calling for her a bit, she appears. To explain about Forbidden Love, I hope?! I bet she's all, "I loved Forbidden Love but my stupid patriarchal husband was all, 'You can't do that! You have to do me!' And then he probably killed me or something." How should I know what she says?! Oh! I know how! I should keep reading!

• Darn it! Keeping reading wasn't any help! She didn't say anything except that she doesn't remember! And then Adelia and Boston disappear in a flash of ectoplasm! At least, I hope that's ectoplasm!

The Ranking!
BOO! Scared you, didn't I?!

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